The Eighth Annual Mutant Awards: 2005

They're cute. They're fluffy. Okay, sometimes only the Shalens of the world would find them cute 'n fluffy, but the fact is that we tend to really love our friends in the animal kingdom. We take them into our homes, feed them, cuddle with them and even surf eBay to buy warm jammies for them. Stop laughing, Lissa. You think I can't hear you?

Unfortunately, in our desire to share our lives with our pets, humankind is guilty of an amazing cruelty. We put animals into movies. Yes, anthropomorphic fools that we are, we took poor Spot, Fluff and their various kinfolk and we fed them into the great Cinematic Angst Machine. From the early days of Ol' Yeller rabies to the modern day shoving of wooden stakes through nice horses named Hidalgo, we have abused, misused and even tortured our friends of fur, feathers and fins. (Okay Shalen, and exoskeletons.) Therefore, it seems only right and proper that we human types occasionally become the focal point for a bit of resentment... and revenge.

So when it comes down to which beastie holds the leash in dealing out sweet violent retribution, who comes out as top dog? We put it to a vote and this is how the fur flew.

The Seeing Eye Dogs of Suspiria and Shrek's Farquaad munching dragon lagged behind with their tails between their legs. Doing a little better were Neverending Story's G'mork and the ever-tenacious Puffy from There's Something About Mary. The Chicken Run inmates served up a henpecking bucket of fear 'n biscuits with a solid fourth place. The voting was close on all of these, definite tooth and claw stuff.

But then there were three.

In third place came the hard charging raptors in Jurassic Park as they gave theatre-goers a reason to always carry a change of underwear with them. Second place goes to the reason my childhood Florida vacation was ruined - the infamous toothy grin and non-discriminating appetite of Jaws.

But for first place, I have to warn ye to read nay further, for the award goes to a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived. Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, read no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth! Indeed, it is the dreaded Killer Rabbit of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!

So there you have it. Several good reasons to keep animal actors unemployed. Now if you'll excuse me, I think one of my greyhounds just widdled in her jammies. That was one scary bunny...

FINAL TALLY:

1. 48.5% The killer rabbit - Monty Python and the Holy Grail
2. 22.7% Jaws. No question.
3. 8.3% Raptor attack on Muldoon in Jurassic Park
4. 7.6% Chicken Run, in its entirety
5. 4.9% Puffy, hopped up on Speed, attacks Ted (There's Something About Mary)
6. 4.2% G'mork (evil wolf) from the Neverending Story
7. 1.9% Farquuad getting eaten by a dragon in Shrek
8. 1.9% Seeing Eye Dogs, Suspiria

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