The Eighth Annual Mutant Awards: 2005

Before we begin, I'd just like to apologize to longtime MRFH readers for all the time I've spent in past reviews talking about, you know, hot chicks and boobies and stuff.  Not because it's sexist, but because I've come to realize that these things are just not what matters to our readers.  This zen moment of clarity occurred when I discovered that a job I thought sure would be a top contender was in fact not very popular among our core audience. 

Yes, dear readers, I was wr-... wro-... wro*coughcough*, and never let it be said we don't listen to feedback: you have voted with your hearts and clearly indicated that, left alone in a house with Eliza Dushku, Shannon Elizabeth, and Ali Larter parading around in their unmentionables, a scant 3.4% of you would be concerned with something other than the toppings on the pizza.  And because of this baffling but totally legit exercise in due process, I hereby pledge that future reviews will eschew childish remarks about cleavage and skintight daisy dukes in favor of in-depth discussions of Oprah's book club and why Barbara Streisand rules all.  All part of our tireless efforts here at MRFH to better serve you, our audience!

Moving along, let’s take a look at the rest of this year’s, ah, “honorable mentions” (losers). To no one’s surprise, readers indicated that given the choice, many would turn to a galaxy far, far away for employment opportunities, whether it be as a jack-booted member of the Jedi 5-0 or a half-witted, scruffy-looking spice smuggler. Also, Kyle and Nancy proved they have their fingers firmly on the pulse of the collective readership (that’s good, guys, but remember our talk about inappropriate touching?), as heroes James Bond and Bruce Wayne remind us that losing your parents isn’t all bad, jetting off in their luxury cars with a combined 26.2% of the votes (and several beautiful women). Meanwhile, voters indicated that they dug Li Mu Bai’s style as a Wandering Hero of Legend but would maybe prefer not to die, and the bad aftertaste of Revolutions seems to have kept people from fully embracing a life of scarfing Tastee Wheat and teaching Keanu Reeves kung fu.

Ah, but our winner this year should come as no surprise to anyone, as the readers of a website devoted to mocking old, bad movies chose as their dream job... mocking old, bad movies.  With robots, on a satellite.  (You listening, Justin?  We have that suggestion box for a reason, mister!)  Taking 28.4% of the vote, the gang at Mystery Science Theater 3000 prove that you don’t need a pretentious vocabulary and artistic delusions to be a film critic, just a sharp wit, mechanical sidekicks, and a whoooole lotta bad movies. The tireless efforts of Mike, Tom Servo, and Crow set an example for unpaid movie reviewers everywhere, while also making us just occasionally glance over our shoulders and wonder whether the Mad Scientists are watching. And despite never having watched the show myself (blasphemy!), I’m a huge fan of Todd Nuack, the comic book artist/writer who’s the biggest MST3K fan on Earth, so even I feel like I owe them a huge debt. Here’s to you, MST3K crew — without you, future generations would think movies like This Island Earth and Manos: The Hands of Fate should be taken seriously, rather than derided mercilessly as is their due. Plus, we’d never know PoolMan was geeky enough to use mock computer code as a joke… and brother, that’s just not a world I want to live in.

FINAL TALLY:

1. 28.4% Making Fun of Bad Movies on a Satellite (MST3K: The Movie)
2. 22.0% Bruce Wayne - making a career out of looking like a billionaire slacker - by being a billionaire slacker
3. 17.8% Jedi Knight, Star Wars
4. 15.5% Space Pirate, a la Han Solo
5. 8.0% Wandering Hero of Legend - Li Mu Bai from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
6. 4.2% Being 007, Die Another Day
7. 3.4% Pizza Delivery Boy in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
8. 0.8% On the Nebuchadnezzer, Matrix-style

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