The Seventh Annual Mutant Awards: 2004

Whining may not be the most noble form of communication, but the truth is we all do it. Except me. I never whine. But from toddlers to teenagers to adults, it's an accepted way of expressing your frustrating with the world around you. In fact, some times it's the only way people communicate.

This year's nominees are certainly well versed in the art of whining. There's Luke Skywalker's infamous line about going to Tashi to pick up power converters, which every student at my undergrad institution could mimic perfectly. Not to be outdone in the space-whining, Aliens boasted two whiners: Newt going on about breaking the glass and Hudson whining about... well, everything. Dante bemoaned his fate and the fact he wasn't even supposed to be here today in the cult favorite Clerks, and Chris O'Donell proved that even big-shot movie stars whine too as he played Robin. Even the mainstream crew gets into the act: nominees also include Adam Sandler in the Wedding Singer and Colin Farrell in Phone Booth.

Now, let me open this envelope here... wait... it's stuck, and-

Hey! Poolman! Give that back! Justin said -I- could open the envelope!!!!! Justin! Make Pooly give me the envelope! It's MY turn to announce the winner!!!!

Ahem. Thank you.

And the Mutie goes to....

Wow. I have to admit, when I suggested this category, I fully expected Luke Skywalker to win. In fact, he was the first one I thought of. But Luke Skywalker only came in 3rd, with 20.6% of the vote. Coming in at a solid second was Hudson from Aliens, whom I pretty much blocked out because I thought he was annoying. And winning the category with 27.4% of the vote was Dante from Clerks, going on and on (and on and on) about he's not even supposed to be here today.

Congratulations Dante and all those associated with him!

FINAL TALLY:
• 27.4% - Clerks: Dante bitching about things it was totally within his power to change during the whole film.
• 21.8% - Aliens: Hudson's non-stop whine-a-thon after things go bad ("Game over man!")
• 20.6% - Star Wars: A New Hope: Luke's infamous "But I was going to Toshi station to pick up some power converters!"
• 15% - The Wedding Singer: Robbie's breakdown, "Well, I have a microphone, and you don't, so you will listen to every damn word I have to say!"
• 3.1% - Phone Booth: Stu bemoaning his life, his predicament and his immorality for 81 minutes.
• 2% - Batman and Robin: Robin's pouting, including "I want a car, chicks dig the car."
• 0.6% - Aliens: Newt's constant mewing, including "Break the glass, break it, break it"

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