The Seventh Annual Mutant Awards: 2004

In 1998, Mutant Reviewers From Hell handed out the first Mutie awards. 52 people voted in what was called “the strangest awards since VH1 decided to do fashion,” and the world was never the same again. Seriously. Look at pictures from that time, and compare them to your surroundings now. Compare yourself to how you looked then. It’s all different, isn’t it? You know it.

There are approximately 20,098 different award ceremonies every year. The sad fact that is dawning on most of the world, however, is that 99.9% of those award ceremonies aren’t held to give out the awards. They’re held so that the presenters can be rewarded with baskets o’ swag, ranging from electric razors to iPods and U2 albums to Nerf basketball hoops encrusted with gold and diamonds. It’s sick. It’s a sham, it’s a mockery, and it lessens the prestige of the awards themselves. Often, presenters like Colin Farrell and Mischa Barton only half-heartedly read the nominees and then mumble the name of the winner, because they’re already thinking ahead to their presenters’ baskets and wondering if they’ll use the Personal Back Waxer or Nuclear-powered Revlon nail file with flesh broiler first. What sort of message does that send to the makers of film? I ask you.

Here at MRFH, though, the emphasis in placed firmly and completely on the films themselves. For each member of the staff, the year between each Annual Mutant Awards is spent in quiet contemplation, watching endless films while contorted in advanced yoga positions and compiling huge lists of potential AMA categories. Loved ones cry and fear for our safety as we stop whatever we’re doing at any given time to scribble down “best use of breakfast cereal” or “most disturbing crotch shot” on the nearest writable surface, hoping against hope that one of our category ideas will be used and that Justin will subsequently reward us with a delicious happy pellet for our hard work and dedication to creative film worship. It’s a tough gig, but someone’s got to do it.

In the grand scheme of things, the AMA's aren’t the world-ending power that other award shows are. Yet. But that’s fine, because the AMA is all about letting you, the unwashed MRFH reader, have a say in important cinematic contests, such as which film has a more disturbing sexual undertone: Tron (do electric programs dream of erotic escapades with file transfer protocols?) or The Brady Bunch Movie (self-explanatory). If this outlet wasn’t provided to you, you’d be off boring people at your local coffee shop. Admit it, will you? It’s okay, it’s true for us, too.

All the trophies are digital, none of the winners return our calls, and you’re probably mad because I implied you were “unwashed.” The AMA's don’t care. The AMA’s stand for virtue, truth, and groupthink’s consensus on what film illustrates the best all-time use of a donut. If you voted, thank you. You have contributed to the largest AMA voter turnout in the history of the world (354 voters!), and you have provided film fans around the globe with a little bit of legitimacy when they argue that certain films destroy extras better than any other. If you didn’t vote, what’s going on? Nah, it’s cool. But next year, vote or die like P. Diddy says, ya know what I’m sayin’?

Most importantly, please enjoy reading the write-ups on each of the 2004 AMA categories, and consider seeing at least the winners of each category, if not all the films nominated. Because ultimately the AMA’s are not about what films are most popular or most bloody or most likely to impress a girl/guy you meet at Hot Topic. The AMA’s are about calling attention to those special films that may not merit Academy Award or Golden Globe consideration, but instead withstand the test of time by being innovative, irreverent, noteworthy, imaginative, and largely unforgettable. MRFH can’t reward every film out there that tickles the fancy and is more about providing magic than Oscar-worthy acting, but we can try. So without further ado, here are the 2004 AMA winners!

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