Yes, I’m back once again, and this time to present an award which I believe to be one of the most sought after of the evening; it’s certainly true that there were enough possible candidates for this award to fill a whole bunch of hats. Even though this award is brand new this year, there seems to have been endless preparation for it by every member of the pop world.

That’s right, it’s time to present the prestigious and important Worst Movie Starring A Pop Star. What is it that guarantees that every time someone from the world of popular music steps in front of the camera that guarantees that the movie is going to blow harder than a hurricane? Why do they do it in the first place? Is there some sort of signal to music agents across the world that when an artist reaches a certain multi-million dollar, they must immediately make a terrible film in order to have everyone lose all respect for them? I doubt we’ll get answers to any of these questions tonight, because the nominees are too busy backstage scratching at each other with their nails and pulling each others’ hair.

Yes, unsurprisingly, it’s the catfight of the century for this award, as most if not all of our nominees this year were of the female variety, proof if it were every needed that a pretty lady doesn’t necessarily mean a good film.

Least hated of all our nominees this year was Madonna’s “Who’s That Girl”. Strangely, despite appearing in several horrible films, Madonna seems to have garnered a form of acceptance as a not-terrible actress (though I haven’t seen Blown Away yet), so I think it’s fair that she gets off lightly.

Lagging behind in the nominations, pint sized popstrel Kylie Minogue’s appearance as Cammy in StreetFighter: The Movie wasn’t able to bring in much more than 6% of the vote, despite StreetFighter being the worst game to movie adaptation since Pong: The Revenge.

In a J-lowly third place is one half of everyone’s favourite couple, Jennifer Lopez, whose appearance in Gigli was enough to apparently cause spontaneous weeping and begging for forgiveness from crowds leaving showings of the Ben-nifer masterpiece. I know she’ll be devastated by not winning this award, so look out for the latest E! Entertainment Special on ‘J-LO: How Ben Helped Me Get Over Not Winning An Award’ to be repeated every single day from now to eternity.

That only leaves the top two spots, and unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last few years, I don’t doubt that you can guess our heavyweight contenders. Both pop princesses have made ‘semi-autobiographical’ ‘coming of age’ ‘movies’ (note all the quotation marks there? That because what they really meant to say was ‘medoicre to awful’ ‘wastes of your time’ ‘for the sake of publiticy’). Between Mariah Carey’s Glitter, and Britney Spears Crossroads, the cause of terrible pop films has never been celebrated more fully. These two heavyweights battled it out to the last drop of cheezy pop fluff, but in the end, Britney was left flagging behind with 26% of the vote, while Mariah stormed ahead to a proud 33%.

I’d like to congratulate Mariah on her fine achievement, and hope that she treasures this award as much as I will be avoiding every film she ever appears in like it was dangerous infective diseases.

Final Tally
1. Mariah Carey, Glitter (33.3%)
2. Britney Spears, Crossroads (25.3%)
3. Jennifer Lopez, Gigli (19.8%)
4. Kylie Minogue, Street Fighter: The Movie (6.2%)
Dead Last: Madonna, Who's That Girl? (0.6%)

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