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"This Ronnie Reagan wouldn’t last five minutes in the West."

1987 PG-13 / Comedy Horror

Directed by:
Ethan Wiley

Starring:
Arye Gross, Jonathan Stark, Royal Dano

Tagline

    Frightening strikes twice!

Summary Capsule

    Two idiots explore their haunted Aztec suburban home and make pals with a zombie cowboy

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Justin's Rating: Scheduled For Demolition
Justin's Review: I’m about to be very unkind to this movie, which will most likely hurt the personal feelings of director Ethan Wiley (who was also a creature technician for Return of the Jedi) and writer Ethan Wiley (who both wrote AND directed Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror). So, in order to give Mr. Wiley some time to track down a box of Kleenex and a close family member to hold in comfort, I’m going to be gracious and list House II: The Second Story’s good points:

"It’s more like House was the call from the governor giving me a reprieve from execution by boredom, and House II was the second call, ten minutes later, for the executioner to throw the switch."

    1. The title is an excellent pun.

    2. It has a cameo by Cheers alum Cliff (John Ratzenberger).

Aaaaaand that’s about it. Mr. Wiley, you back yet? Feed the cat on the way, did we?

After being led to the original House by a blind Doberman pincher with a keen smell for 80’s cult flicks, to say I felt let down by House II is an understatement. It’s more like House was the call from the governor giving me a reprieve from execution by boredom, and House II was the second call, ten minutes later, for the executioner to throw the switch. It’s really a sucky flicky, all the way through. Not that it doesn’t try, mind you, nor that it doesn’t have a couple good ideas. It just fails to do anything memorable with its few cards, and chose instead to personally irritate the living snot out of me.

House I, if you recall, was an odd little haunted house horror-comedy, a good solid second cousin to Evil Dead 2. House II shares many common ingredients, without being connected to the first movie in the least: it has a haunted house with secret passageways to other dimensions, some B-grade monsters and hand puppets, quipping heroes and a dose of submachine gun action. It’s a doggone shame that none if it gels well, even if they threw in a revived cowboy mummy named Gramps who ends up living in the basement.

The problem begins and ends with the two main leads. Jesse (Arye Gross) and Charlie (Jonathan Stark) are the standard 80’s buddy duo: Jesse is the more upright, nicer, dependable one with everything on the line, and Charlie is the raging jerk with the flapping mouth. Trust me, it’s been done a thousand times better elsewhere than with these two. Jesse is too bland to have us rooting for him, and keeps getting railroaded by arch-nemesis Bill Maher. Dude, Bill Maher! Charlie’s far worse, because he’s a dead ringer for the amalgam of a creepy touchie-feelie uncle with a smirk and a receding hairline. I could not view any scene that man was in without wanting to call Social Services to come and haul the DVD away for my protection.

It’s not that the house is much better. Supposedly some tribute to ancient Aztecs or Mayans or some such tribe, it’s toothless compared to the first movie’s troubled home. All this new place can pull in terms of artillery is a glowing skull, a big caterpillar, a baby pterodactyl, and some half-naked natives. So many of you are now thinking, "Okay, you just described my college dorm hall to a T, so what?" Well… yeah. So what?

It’s a trite, empty waste of film that didn’t even pick up after it left my brain. Not scary, not funny, not original, not endearing. I’d wish a bad fate on Ethan Wiley, but seeing as how he just fizzled after the fifth installment of a sad horror series based on a Stephen King short story, I don’t think I could really think of a worse ending.

Kyle's Rating: I think I still have the comic book adaptation somewhere. I am not proud of this fact.
Kyle's Review: When I bought my used copy of House, I was absolutely overjoyed to get it home and open it up to find it was one of the limited edition releases where you get House and House 2. Two DVDs for the price of one used one! Two childhood favorites at once; back in my life after all this time! Finally I would be able to... wait, what? "Childhood favorites"? Is that accurate?

"House 2 is just bad, plain and simple."
Only for the first House film, brother. That film is a horror comedy triumph. The second film, which was recorded courtesy of my grandma on a VHS tape following the first film, I believe only got play when I wanted to watch House in my basement while playing with Lego and I decided to just let the tape continue playing rather than get up and switch it back to normal television. Which meant once again entering the world of the second haunted house, with its crystal skull and hidden rooms and some other stuff, and the OTHER guy from Cheers. Sure. Why not?

House 2 is just bad, plain and simple. I sort of understand the motivations behind making a sequel to the successful and much more coherent first film, but I wish they hadn't. I understand that attaching "The second story" to this sequel was extremely clever (put the film title together with the tagline and bask in the humor!) for a few seconds, but then it just dissipates. Just like the film itself!

This movie deserves MST3K treatment. I can't think of a single positive thing about it. When I was a kid I was a little more forgiving because it was a sequel to a movie I really loved (and still do!) and I liked that crystal skull MacGuffin. I think the Gramps character was amusing as well, and it appealed to me to think that if my house were haunted I would be able to descend through secret passages and stuff into ancient Mayan temples and rescue damsels and have big sword fights. That part is still cool to me. The movie is not.

I just wanted to put another opinion out there to prevent you or anyone you love from wasting your time and money on House 2. Unless you want a handy glimpse at how not to make a memorable horror comedy. I'll get to the first House film in a bit, which is arguably a classic of the limited genre, but let me finish this review out by stating resoundingly: don't see this movie!


Bedfellows make strange partners


Yeah, bet that ups the property value of the neighborhood.


Indiana Jones and the Last Shred of Dignity

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

  • The house that paper mache built
  • This is not so much a freaky house as it is… really overwrought with someone’s idea of Mayan architecture
  • This girl’s a whiner from the get-go
  • You WERE cute. Were.
  • And why are you talking to yourself about your family pictures? It’s weird.

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

    No way, José.

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

    Written in two weeks, budgeted at 3 million dollars and shot in forty days.

    The house was actually a nuns monastery in downtown L.A.

Groovy Quotes

    Gramps: This Ronnie Reagan wouldn’t last five minutes in the West.

If you liked this movie, try these:

End Credits

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This review page was last updated on 10.31.06

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