Now, I'm all for more people getting into movies. As an expression of art or just a way to blow off steam, film has long been a great form of entertainment, and as more and more movies come out for a broader audience, it's only natural that we start to see more and more people in the theaters. The screenings of Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter in my neck of the woods are still packed on a nightly basis, and that's becoming less and less rare. Hurrah, says I.

But for the love of Justin, people...

Is it just me, or has the once-noble tradition of shutting the hell up in the movie theater gone the way of Roger Ebert's high school waistline? It's not enough that we have to endure lineups for new movies, ads that run forever and a day before the movie shows, and (beyond any measure of comprehension) cell phones and pagers chirping out the tune of whatever Britney-clone is top of the charts this week. No, for whatever reason, the younger an audience is, the more problems it seems to have containing itself for the duration of a movie.

Sure, there's times where you expect this. I went to see Monsters Inc, a film that was great for adults but geared at kids under 10. When I'm in THAT audience, I can expect and forgive a lot. If the primary goal of a movie is to get humans under the age of 10 into seats and I choose to go with them, I should expect some noise. Kids will be kids, and in a movie where it's appropriate to bring them, it can even be quite fun listening to them react to what's going on onscreen.

However, I find myself more and more often wondering why I'm so often subjected to this same background noise when I'm going to movies for a more mature audience. There's the famous "Crouching Tutu, Hidden Ding Dong" moment I had where a little girl was brought into the theater and sat right behind us. The FIRST LINE OF THE MOVIE IS SPOKEN, and she asks her dingbat mother what the character just said. Let me clarify: the little girl is not Chinese, and apparently isn't old enough to read the subtitles. (I want to make it clear, however, that in cases like these, I blame the parents, not the kids) We moved right away.

I don't always have that option though. At the time of this writing, LotR: The Two Towers is less than a month old in theaters. This movie is still selling out almost each and every show. When the house is full, it's full; moving is just not an option. So imagine my happiness when, during my first ever viewing of this fine movie, the row of teenagers (13-15, I believe) behind me begins yapping during the movie. If you've ever been in this situation, you know my pain. These morons were commenting on EVERYTHING. Absolutely everything. They would yell "COOL" whenever something died (which, okay, I can understand), laughed at every serious moment (Gollum's wonderful speeches in particular), and made the most inane comments about the stupidest, smallest things. My breaking point came when the Ents were gathered in the forest, and the chattiest of the group behind me exclaimed quite loudly, and I quote: "Huh huh huh... that thing's got a big nose!"

Wow. Thank you, Thoreau. Such brilliant insight into the movie which I'd never have figured out on my own. I turned straight around in my chair and asked him (even louder) if the movie was perhaps too complex for him, and whether he was falling behind. He proceeded to stare at the screen, I proceeded to stare at him, and my girlfriend proceeded to desperately try to get me to turn back around before one of us started swinging. This was actually the third time I'd had to tell these guys to be quiet, but this was the first time I'd been rude back. I didn't hear much more out of them (got some classic dirty looks after the movie was over though, heh), but the effect was already there. My first viewing of what will probably end up being one of my permanent top ten favourite movies was irreparably damaged, due to something as small as a few comments made just a hair too loud and too often.

This whole trend has been on the rise for the last couple of years, but I've just hit my limit. This is far from the only such experience I've had this past year. I watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding next to four 8 year old girls who kept talking, giggling, unwrapping food, and getting up to go to the bathroom. I'm getting sick of it. It sounds so petty, I know. I'm reading my own words back, and I know how I sound. But I also know that on some level, you probably can identify and agree with me. In the moment, when you're really enjoying a movie, the last thing you want is to be snapped back to reality by some acne farm in the row behind you.

If this sounds like a rant against kids in the theater, maybe it is. I don't normally have anything against those younger than me. I actually really love children, and don't normally want to grind their bones for soup. But so often I wonder why, if they're so unable to sit still for the duration of a movie, they come to/are brought to see them. In the case of little ones, I wish parents would use their common sense every once in a while. Yes, it's nice to get the kids out of the house for a while, but why must it be at someone else's expense? As for the teens, if you consider yourself mature enough to sit in on an adult movie, so be it, but have some consideration for those around you.

Of course, kids are hardly alone. Scores of adults are guilty of the same thing, only it's almost somehow worse, given that (theoretically) the older you get, the better you should know. To our credit, adults as a whole seem to be coming around on the whole cell phone thing, though. Where I used to hear 4 or 5 rings in a given movie, I now usually only hear one. It's still an irritant, but it's calmed down a great deal.

I know the MRFH's readers are different than these unwashed masses. Call me crazy, but from what I know of you guys (particularly the Forum lurkers), you sound like an educated enough crowd to appreciate what I'm talking about without being guilty of it. I wish you all a good year in 2003, particularly in the theaters. From what I can tell, we'll need all the luck we can get.

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