Out Of The Mouths Of Mutants Justin (American Pie 2): Wait, that might be "eye teeth". But do eyes truly have teeth? Andie (American Pie 2): If I was Kevin, I would've been checking Vicky's arms for track marks. DnaError (Blow): The rest of the movie is spent in silent awe of Johnny Deep's preternatural side burns. Justin (Bridget Jones's Diary): If I have to hear one more person in a current relationship verbally pat me on the head by saying, "Oh, it'll happen, Justin. Just give it time. Don't try to make it happen, it just will," I might have to start drinking blood or something to gain unholy powers. Clare (Bridget Jones's Diary): I am not a girlie girl. I have some girlie tendencies and certainly have all the right girlie equipment, but by and large I don't subscribe to most of the major girl stereotypes. DnaError (Final Fantasy): Visually it blew my geek mind. Justin (Final Fantasy): If they're killing people and they *aren't* bad, then what are we supposed to do? Hug them to death? PoolMan (Final Fantasy): This is the flick that has Mr Tom "Magic Bow Tie" Hanks' undies all in a knot, fearing his coming obsolescence to the machine could arrive at any moment. Kyle (Hannibal): Also the pigs used as man-eating boars (you’ll see) did an excellent job! Good job, pigs! Justin (Harry Potter): It's not just Hedwig who's flying, it's the human spirit. DnaError (Harry Potter): The world of a kid is fraught of evil and danger at very corner, mostly taking the form that jerk who stole your lunch money just cause you drew a picture of Link on your notebook. Justin (Jay and Silent Bob): They're not great epics of Western civilization, but they ARE important, relevant and as fun as conquering the entire world in Risk and gloating to your friends for days after that they owe you, the Royal Master of the Universe, much tribute and bowing and scraping. PoolMan (Jay and Silent Bob): Heck, when I sign my emails, I'm frequently tempted to throw a "snoogins" in there somewhere. I can't say I know why. Kyle (Josie and the Pussycats): Will Carson Daly kill the Pussycats? Justin (Josie and the Pussycats): It's McFun for the McSoul, and one of my favorite 2001 underdogs. DnaError (Joy Ride): Maybe it's just me but I do not like getting a buttfull of naco-chesse when I sit down. At the very least it should be warm. Justin (Fellowship of the Ring): The Lord of the Rings is the banner under which both the lifelong D&D addict and the typical "Ooo, let's rent that new Hugh Grant movie" filmgoer can congregate while celebrating in geek love. Clare (Made): When Columbo tells you to fly across the country to do his bidding, you damn well better listen. DnaError (Memento): But I'd pay $8 just to watch Carrie-Anne Moss read weather reports, so I can't be objective Justin (Memento): Educational tidbits this film provided me: How to tattoo yourself with two pens, a needle and some scotch tape! How to attack someone on the other side of a door! PoolMan (Monsters Inc): Yep, I teared up a bit at the end... I'm a man, I can admit it PoolMan (Moulin Rogue): I'm a big, mean looking guy with lots of facial hair, but under it all, I know full well I'm a big softy. DnaError (Moulin Rogue): This is a movie that grabs you by the molars, swings you around while slam dancing to a techno polka then drops you out the theater without a parachute. The kind of movie Andie would wet her pants over. Justin (Moulini Rogue): But, but they do NOT go as far as they should in this film. Where are the dancing monkeys? I mean, they have a midget and that's cool, but no dancing monkeys! I would have killed to see Nicole Kidman do a tango with an orangutan to the tune of, say, Tubthumping. PoolMan (Osmosis Jones): Not only sentient, but they elected Captain Kirk as Mayor! PoolMan (Planet of the Apes): It's fluffy female fighting fantasy! (that oughtta earn me Justin's "Best Alliteration Award") DnaError (Planet of the Apes): He escapes with Ms. Perky Boobs and Ari, a Liberal tree-hugging ape, trying to find away home. Justin (Planet of the Apes: The marketing campaign all but broke into my apartment and branded "SEE PLANET OF THE APES" on my forehead. Clare (Serendipity): There's really no getting around what I'm about to say. So I'm just going to come right out and say it. John Cusack is kind of losing ground in the battle for my undying, eternal love for everything he does. Justin (Shrek): I just love girls. They honestly crack me up, and I'm glad we have them in the world, because otherwise everything would smell worse. Kyle (Swordfish): There is but one constant in the universe: if critical response to a film is divided and it’s old stodgy critics saying “nay” and fresh young “hip” critics saying “yea,” then that’s a film to see. DnaError (13 Ghosts): Go see 13th Ghosts armed with sarcasm and a good amount of popcorn and you'll be safe. Kyle (Zoolander): I still love you for Mary and Flirting with Disaster, Ben! But not in a weird way or anything. And just because Andie didn't get a lot of quotes here (Masters of the Universe): This movie is so cool because it has campy action sequences, funny characters, and Dolph Lundgren in nothing but glorified underwear. I'm kidding. Dolph Lundgren is actually the weakest link in the movie because while he is nice to look at it, he's dumber than brick. His acting abilities are scary, they're so bad! At one point he asks about the whereabouts of the Cosmic Key and Julie says that Kevin has it and Dolph tries so hard to look all concerned and he goes, "He's in terrible danger." being about as convincingly concerned as if he just said, "I like green beans." Skeletor is definitely very scary, as are his little army of defenders. I was so freaked out by Skeletor when I was little, it was ridiculous. Between the Flying Monkeys in Wizard of Oz, the Wheelers and the Headless Princess in Return to Oz, and Skeletor in Masters of the Universe, I'm surprised I wasn't scarred for life by the time I was seven. 2001 Featured Articles MRFH Institute: Best Comedies MRFH Institute: Worst Skanky Movies 4th Annual Mutant Awards Trick or Death! roundtable TV to Movies roundtable Dream Soundtracks roundtable 5 Years And Counting: A MRFH Retrospective Oscars 2001

My family honestly doesn't ever like to discuss my being a movie reviewer. Most of my real life friends have yet to visit the site. I know we're probably never going to get mass public approval, and Andie has tried to kill me more times than I can count. Yet working at Stately MRFH Manor is one of my most beloved hobbies. It's a vent, it's liberating, and I get to spend hundreds of hours each year tweaking code. I'd choose nothing else. 2001 has been a smashing year at Mutant Reviewers From Hell. For one thing, we got two new people who visited us! We also got to see everyone grow up a little; DnaError got accepted to college, Andie was a star in a production of Noises Off, Clare got a choice internship at a publication, Kyle gave us photographic proof of being near a woman, PoolMan joined a band, and I... I got a dog who just pooped on my rug tonight. It's the little ways we grow. Odors aside, this is the best bunch of people to be affiliated with, and I'm mighty proud of my staff and their vast efforts to string words together to form complete thoughts.

MRFH saw a lot of highlights this year. Our new forum community banded together after the September 11th attacks to share in grief, worry and anger. We brought a new look to the front page, and just opened our long-awaited MRFH Trading Post. Dna's been slaving like a dog to provide comics and logos and designs, and you've yet to see his best work. The meat-and-potatoes of MRFH -- the reviews and articles -- grew like meat trees and potato children. We're about 425 movies covered right now, with a massive bank of articles and features for readers to peruse. The Second Mutant Summit occured in Vancouver this summer, as I contracted the Canadian Red Leaf Fever and PoolMan quietly admitted the severe limitations of the N64. We've also received dozens of letters and comments from you, our readers, and the overwhelming encouragement and shared love of strange cinema has given us new life.

As for movies, well, some people will moan at how this year was the equivilent to kidnapping their cat, shaving its body hair, and then using it as potato gun ammunition (legal note: MRFH does not condone feline projectiles). There were intelligent apes who worshipped a dumb monkey, an artificial Teddy Ruxpin kid who whined about needing to be hugged for two hours, Angelina Jolie's breasts did something, Kevin Costner had sideburns, jousting got endorsed by Nike, too many thin people donned fat suits hoping to be funny, every traditional animated movie got dominated by CGI, despite court order Martin Lawrence still was making movies, Dundee rode again, Sly Stallone dug another failed lump of blockbuster dirt for his grave, Final Fantasy never leveled up, despite therapist's orders Tom Green made a flick, rednecks rode again, some idiots got stranded with dinos again and the world just couldn't care, a claymation monkey proved way more unfunny than claymation chickens, we tried to crane our necks to see around a trite love triangle to see an overblown war story, incest and girlfriend kidnapping did not make the cut as comedy elements, someone greenlit a boorish-sequel-to-a-horrible-parody-of-a-horror-movie-parody, Keanu Reeves stepped outside of his cage to try to act and made us all run for cover, John Travolta was given way too many movie roles after the debacle of Battlefield Earth (they should have a law that will make him take two years off for each bad role), other people trying to be Adam Sandler proved even less funny, and every horror movie with that guy from Angel or Leelee Sobieski we could've done without.

Yet I feel that while pretty much every major blockbuster blew whale snot in our eager faces, 2001 was a rich year for the smaller, more well done films. Time reversal and doubted clues wrapped us in a film noir mystery, band camp was revisited in a naughty way, a pleasingly plump Brit charmed us with wit and a bunny suit, we got to see snipers in WW2 outside of a computer game, our favorite cannibal gave us a couple chills even now, Harry Potter at least didn't suck completely, we got to party down with Jay and Silent Bob one last time, pop bands were zinged by some pussycats, Harvard got a pink injection, our ears are still ringing from a musical on Overdrive, 11 proved to be a goodish number for popcorn fun, a big green ogre showed us how to make a candle from ear wax, we got a good makeup car speed movie after Gone In 60 Seconds, and our faith in grand fantasy epics returned as Frodo and Co. marched against Mordor. So all in all, I can live with this year if you can, and move on to 2002 with great gusto.

If you only judged 2001 by the big releases, Planet of the Apes, Pearl Harbor, Tomb Raider, Hannibal, any movie starring a jive-talking donkey, you'd think it was a pretty crappy year for movies (any year that gave us Joe Dirt must have something wrong with it ). Yet, lying just under the pond scum was an explosion of small, great movies not seen in years. It was the total photonic reversal of last year. In 2000 we got a lot of big-name blockbuster masterpieces (Crouching Tiger, Three Kings, American Beauty). In 2001 the weirdness retreated underground and exploded. The hauntingly old fashioned ghost-tale "The Others" brought true horror back to the screen and lingered in theaters for months on word of mouth alone.

Also fueled by mouthage was the time-twisting Momento, which had all of America going "huh?" Ditto Lynch's latest masterpiece, the sexy Mulholland Drive (which I have yet to review on the grounds that it's strangeness makes it unreviewable). The phantasmagoric Moulin Rouge! brought me to levels of singing and dancing ecstasy. A side effect of this small-scale weirdness are movies that seem destined for cult status. The Kevin-Smithy Ghost World and transsexual rock opera Hedwig and the Angry Inch look like well-worn videos in the making. I haven't seen Donnie Darko (described as "Ferris Bueller in Hell") yet but it as that air of culthood around it. (Speaking of mutant movies, do I even have to mention Jay and Silent Bob Strike back? No. Good.)

Of course Big budget movies got away with from goodness. Final Fantasy: TSW might not have been popular but it raised my HP/MP levels sure enough. The colorful, delightful and giddy Monsters.Inc should be required viewing. Harry Potter didn't move me as much as it did most people (I'm threatening disemblowment by wand by saying this) but it was enjoyable. Also, some movie about a fantasy book..something about rings was released. It seemed to be popular.

Some people would say that it’s foolish to write a retrospective on the films of 2001 before I even get to see a few major releases (Vanilla Sky, Lord of the Rings, Ali, the new Emmanuelle series). But maybe this is better in the long run, so I can be all down and negative on this fairly unmemorable year. Was it unmemorable? At this point of the night, yeah, it was. It sucked! I can’t remember a thing! Oh well. I bought a new copy of Fletch, so that’s cool.

It’s far too easy to just find some list of all the movies released this year. Then all these false memories would come back, and this would be a whole lot longer than necessary. No, best to sit here and try to determine what this year meant to me by examining what stays with me to this day.

Hmmm . . . Jurassic Park III was stupid, but kind of fun. There were a few fun but ultimately forgettable horror films, like Soul Survivors and 13 Ghosts. Ocean’s 11 was “cool” though I’m not sure I’d care to sit through it again. Still haven’t seen Harry Potter; don’t care to. Lord of the Rings will probably be fun. Vanilla Sky will be interesting, though I can already predict a lot of what will happen. Oh well.

Eh. This year blew, and I’m surprised I managed to live through it. The lack of a James Bond or Star Wars installment really affected the entertainment value of the entire year, but next year is looking up so we’ll see how that goes.

Obviously the second half of the year was cast in real-life shadows, and one of the ways we all tried to quiet our sorrows was to escape into distractions such as films. Movies helped us all a little, and hopefully with 2002 we’ll get movies that help us forget our troubles AND are actually worth seeing more than once! How about it, Hollywood? At least everyone’s favorite movie review site, Mutant Reviewers from Hell (naturally) had a stellar year! I doubt I’ll be the only one at the big New Year’s Eve party in my brand new MRFH tee-shirt and matching boxers! I may even wear pants, depending on how cold it is! Yee haw! And if you see me, come on over and we can discuss how the 2001 Mutant reviews were a notch above previous years’, especially in their subtle sexuality and clever use of profanity. Go go go, Mutants!

p.s. – never got to Vanilla Sky, heard it was stupid. Not Another Teen Movie was entertaining, though not too memorable. I’ve still got high hopes for Lord of the Rings, despite having never read the books! But forget 2001; I’ve heard there are going to be Spider-Man Lego sets! Holy snikes! 2002 rules!

So what has 2001 meant to me? Well, movie-wise, it's been a breath of fresh air. After the largely stinkerydoo performance of 2000 (a little Battlefield Earth or D&D, anyone?), 2001 has been a very cool year, particularly if you're a fantasy afficionado. We've just lived through the much anticipated Harry Potter release, and Lord of the Rings is hot on its heels. Not since the days of Willow has fantasy been so widely anticipated and accepted, and that's a cool thing to see. We also saw huge leaps forward in the CGI world of filmmaking with the detail-crazy Final Fantasy and the destined-to-be-classic Monsters Inc, and the way things are going, you know those two flicks are a sign of things to come. And of course, the cap on the View Askewniverse, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back was released, indicating a dark time ahead for Clerks fans everywhere. Overall, I found myself in theaters far more often in 2001 than in any recent year in memory, and that's a good sign.

In a MRFH light, 2001 has to be my favourite year yet with the site. To sum it up, this is the most stable year we've ever had here (no zombie queens, no missing correspondants, and no anti-Canadian rallies), and we've managed to finagle 4 of the brightest correspondants we've ever had into the staff at once. We've had the same killer staff for more than a year now, and we're all here, and all contributing. That's something we've never really been able to do before, so it's quite an accomplishment. My compliments go out to Kyle, Andie, Dna, and the ever-powerful Clare for being the most rock solid team the MRFH has ever known. No slam to our previous writers intended, it's just nice to have such a dependable group that gels so well on "paper". Of course, another highlight was the Mutant Summit 2, wherein Justin actually braved the Canadian water (and it gave him beaver fever). It was a pleasure to have him up, it gave me a chance to prove to my friends that Americans really can be housetrained (oops, here come those rallies...). Of course, I can't wait till we can fill all 6 easy chairs at the same time. And hey, only what, 2 updates to PoolMan's Picks? I'm cruising to retirement, baby!

I'm going to keep this short and sweet. In favor of speed and in honor of High Fidelity I prefer to simply provide you all with one of those wonderful year-end round up lists as opposed to a long rambling explanation about every movie I saw this year. (not that there's anything wrong with long and rambling, I'm just not in a long and rambling kind of mood at the moment).

Best Movies Clare Saw on the Big Screen 2001:

• Shrek
• The Royal Tenenbaums
• Ocean's 11

Worst Movies Clare Saw on the Big Screen 2001:

• Tomb Raider
• America's Sweethearts
• Unbreakable

Movies Clare Saw on the Big Screen but can't really decide emphatically if she liked or disliked:

• The Man Who Wasn't There
• Harry Potter
• Serendipity

Best Movies Clare Rented 2001:

• The Gift
• Pimps Up Hos Down
• Manhunter
• Ginger Snaps
• Bridget Jones's Diary
• Best in Show
• Trekkies

Worst Movies Clare Rented 2001:

• Angel Eyes
• Saving Silverman
• Battlefield Earth

Movies Clare Rented but can't really decide emphatically if she liked or disliked:

• The Claim
• The Ladies Man
• Made

Biggest Surprise:

• Pay It Forward (didn't suck nearly as bad as I thought it would)
• All The Pretty Horses (see Pay It Forward)

The "How Can I Stay Mad at You Even If You Continue to Piss Away Your Talents In Second Rate Films" Award:

• Kevin Spacey (K-PAX)
• John Cusack (America's Sweethearts)
• Jack Black (Saving Silverman)

The "Under Rated Gem Actors Who Make Me Curl Up My Toes with Glee and Wish Only Good Things For Them" Award:

• Wes Bentley (The Claim)
• Jeff Bridges (K-Pax)
• Luke Wilson (Royal Tenenbaums)
• Jim Caviezel (Pay It Forward)
• Jon Favreau (Made)
• Billy Bob Thornton (The Man Who Wasn't There)

The first thing, movie-wise, that I can really remember from 2001 is the Academy Awards. I know, I know, they're from 2000, but they don't air until March and that's almost 3 months into 2001, so it counts as a 2001 event. I thought they pretty much blew this year. Gladiator SO did not deserve to win Best Picture. I think it should've been Traffic or Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Also, Russell Crowe did not deserve to win Best Actor, it should've been Ed Harris for Pollock. I thought it was nice that Julia Roberts won for Erin Brockovich, but that's more because I just like Julia Roberts. I don't think EB was really stretching her acting muscles. I really liked her acceptance speech, though. It was cute and funny. Let's see.....Benicio Del Toro won Best Supporting, that was cool. Steven Soderbergh won Best Director, that was good too. Marcia Gay Harden won for Pollock. I'm not sure how I feel about that because she was great in Pollock but I was kind of rooting for Kate Hudson from Almost Famous. Okay, so I liked Steve Martin as the host but not as much as Billy Crystal.

Let's see...movies I saw in 2001. Enemy at the Gates was an excellent WWII movie, if they had thrown out that ridiculous love story. Make me puke. Oh, and if they hadn't been speaking English over in Russia, I would've bought it a little more. But it was a good popcorn flick. Bridget Jones' Diary was fantastic, I laughed SO hard. I really enjoy Renee Zellweger as an actress, I've loved her since Gina in Empire Records. "Well, Sinead O'Rebellion! Shock me, shock me, shock me with that deviant behavior." Hee hee

Shrek was, of course, fabulous. I wish I had gone to see a 9:50 pm showing of it, however, because my friend Danelle and I were surrounded by thousands of annoying children in the theater whose parents think that the movie theater is a babysitter and that they (the parents)don't need to accompanying the little brats. But little brats aside, Shrek was awesome. I hope it gets nominated for some stuff, cause I think it should.

I saw Legally Blonde next, I think. Actually, this movie was a whole lot better than I thought it would be. I pretty much dispise Reese Witherspoon, she annoys the crap out of me. But Legally Blonde was really very funny. It would be a fun rent sometime, I recommend getting it as a double feature with Bridget Jones' Diary.

Moulin Rouge was the next one I saw and I LOVE IT. I was just watching Grease the other day and thinking that Hollywood doesn't produce enough musicals. They could revamp some classics or, like Moulin Rouge, make some new ones. I think there's definitely an audience for them. Anyway, MR was so visually amazing, I loved the sets and the costumes and the makeup, it was all beautiful. The soundtrack is great too, but some of my favorite songs aren't on there, like Like a Virgin and the reallly fast song they sing to explain the musical to the bad guy. Of course, that is typically the way soundtracks go and it sucks. But I digress....

Let's see....after Moulin Rouge, I didn't go see many movies cause I was busy running around in my underwear being a ditzy blonde. And then I got cast in Noises Off! Go figure. No, but seriously, that show became my whole life for 2 months and then I got down to school and had to play catch up for missing the first three weeks, so I didn't see a lot of movies until later in the year.

September 11th was a horrible, horrible day and I remember feeling so out of the loop when it happened. The night before, I went out to a sports bar for Monday Night Football and then ended up playing cards with some friends of mine until the wee small hours of the morning and then finally we all crashed. I woke up around 9 am and drove home and went right to bed, where I slept til about 1 in the afternoon. When I finally did get up, I turned on the TV and could not figure out why the PM of England was offering his condolences and support to the US. And then I saw the WTC footage. I've never felt so behind in my whole life. By the time I tuned in, both towers were gone. It was surreal. However, the overwhelming feeling of patriotism and compassion and love that we've seen since then has absolutely floored me. I know this sounds weird, but in a way, this was a blessing in disguise. I'm sure you know what I mean. The way the country has pulled together and all of a sudden gotten so "Yay USA!" is amazing. Okay, enough of that....

Let's get back to the movies. I'm going to take a considerable jump here and move on to the ones I've seen recently. Ocean's 11 is marvelous, everybody should go see it. I think this world would be a better place, movie-wise, if more huge, all-star, ensemble cast movies were done. Ocean's 11 just had such a fun feel to it, it was awesome. The more I see Brad Pitt, the more I like him because he's not just a pretty face. George Clooney is funny, but the real scene stealer is Jack Gellar (I know, is name is Elliot Gould, but to me he will always be Mr. Gellar from Friends). He is so funny as this old, pimped-out millionaire, it's hysterical.

Behind Enemy Lines was much, much better than I expected. I thought it would just be some run-and-gun action flick, but it actually had a good, believable story, the acting the was good, the action was cool. Overall, definitely worth seeing.

Vanilla Sky. Weird weird weird. I'm a sucker for twist endings, I loved Usual Suspects, Sixth Sense and Fight Club, but I'm just not sure how I feel about Vanilla Sky. I'd have to see it again. It sure wasn't what I thought it would be based on the previews. I liked Tom Cruise in it and Penelope Cruz wasn't as annoying as I thought she would be. Cameron Diaz just keeps impressing me, I really like her a lot. She's really going to come into her own in these next few years, I'm sure. And it was cool to see Jason Lee, of the Kevin Smith movies, do something other than Kevin Smith. And, to his credit, I never once thought, "Hey, that's Banky or Brodie or Azreal." So that's good.

So that's what I thought about 2001. You wanna know the thing I'm most eagerly anticipating for 2002? The release of the movie version of Dave Barry's novel Big Trouble. It was supposed to be released Sept. 14th, but since the end involves a plane hijacking and a bomb, it was pushed back. I can kind of understand why, but then again I don't, because it's Dave Barry. It's not serious or realistic at all. It's mindless, inane, crazy hysterics and I can't wait to see it.