The Eleventh Annual Mutant Awards: 2008

Ash's Boomstick from Army of Darkness

You know how sometimes, you think something is going to go a particular way, and it doesn't, and then you're like, "I'm somewhat surprised, but I can certainly see now why things turned out the way they did."?

...

Oh, I wasn't going anywhere with that; just trying to be all chummy and relatable.

Kidding. Of course there's a tie-in! Specifically, to the fact that I totally didn't call the boomstick's near-landslide victory (37.7%). Because I evidently forgot for a moment where I was, but more on that later.

No, my favored candidate was Dirty Harry's hand-cannon (18.4%), because it, more than any other cinema firearm I can think of, represents pure iconia, which is totally a word, regardless of what spellcheck's boorish squiggly lines are telling me right now (Incidentally, it says that "spellcheck" is also not a word). The trouble is, when I was deciding which pony to bet on, I forgot one very important truth, which you, gentle readers-every one of you absolutely beautiful; inside and in-have reminded me of: It's not about the gun.

See, the reason I didn't think much of the boomstick's chances-despite the now-realized fact that we could've replaced "Ash's Boomstick" with "Ash's You Are Covered in Invisible Tarantulas" and it would've gotten just as many votes-was that it's kind of... well... plain.

Settle down! Let me explain!

Every other choice on this list is either singularly unique -- Hellboy's Samaritan (4.8%); Han's heavily-customized BlasTech DL-44 (NERD!) (11.8%); Jimmy's unique in the sense of being a specific model, and possessed of a certain exoticism as well PPK (10.5%); Harry's Model 29 -- but the boomstick is just another shotgun. We learn that it's manufactured by Remington, but so are a lot of guns. And there's no reason to think there aren't a zillion others just like it, to be had at any one of the 6,000,000,000 S-Marts nationwide.

The reason that the boomstick won anyway is illustrated quite eloquently by a comment received from a legendary drifter known only as Participant 12, who requested a write-in vote for any of the dual pistols ever used by Chow Yun Fat in any Woo flick he's ever been in. Now, I've seen almost every Fat/Woo collaboration in existence (heard A Better Tomorrow III was kind of bleah, skipped it), and to my recollection, in none of them does Fat's character ever hold up his guns and say, "I call this one Herbie and this one Vasquez, and one drinks blood and the other fires armor-piercing ferrets!" No, they're always just off-the-shelf lead-belchers, available in practically any birdcage. But put them in the hands of Mr. Toothpick & French Shades, and they become bottomless-magazined juggernauts.

And therein lies the point: a weapon is only as good as its wielder. On its own, the boomstick is just another shotgun. But when brandished by the Almighty Chin, sovereign ruler of Cultvania, it's a veritable buckshot Excalibur, capable of a host of amazing feats. Gape in awe as it demonstrates a penchant for firing two or three times as many shells in succession as it can actually hold, materializes in a previously-empty holster, and even grows a second barrel between movies! Not to mention that its undead-slaying prowess is boosted well beyond the already considerable zombie-splattage of a normal shotgun.

So can anyone tell me the lesson we've learned today? That's right: it isn't the bore of the barrel that counts, it's who's pulling the trigger.

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