10 Greatest Things About Rocky

Let's not mince words — the Rocky movies are awesome. Except V, but… enh. Anyway, all the important ones kick twelve kinds of ass, so much so that the sheer magnitude of their greatness and extraordinary inspiration would be virtually impossible to encapsulate. I do so in the following top ten list.

10. Rocky's pets. You can tell Rocky's the good guy because he loves animals. You think Apollo Creed has a cat? Forget it, but our hero owns not only a fish and two turtles named "Cuff" and "Link" (do you get the impression Rocky even knows what a cufflink is?), but also Butkus, played by Sylvester Stallone's bull mastiff. Sadly, the dog died sometime after the second movie, and Stallone was so heartbroken that Butkus is never mentioned in the Rocky series again. Awww.

9. Eye of the Tiger, son. Not everyone knows that the finest of Survivor's *cough* many hits didn't make its debut until the third movie, but EVERYONE recognizes its inherent greatness. Even Starbucks in that commercial. Bottom line, it's impossible to build hurtin' bombs without this song blaring through your headphones.

8. Paulie's such a jerk. Not that that's a good thing — I really, really hate him, actually — but it makes Rocky look so much better by comparison. You've got this guy, he's hired muscle for a loan shark, kind of rough around the edges… but put him next to a drunk with a habit of insulting his sister and smashing stuff with a baseball bat, and he seems like a prince. Paulie's the guy you love to loathe, and his presence helps us accept Rocky as everyman hero instead of dimwitted sidekick.

7. Rocky's unique training methods. Drinking raw eggs is one thing - apparently salmonella only came into existence in the 80s - but using giant slabs of beef as punching bags? There's a joke to be had about Rocky's adoption of this method followed immediately by his self-imposed celibacy with Adrian, but I'm not going to be the one to make it. Move along.

6. Rocky gets a robot! Now granted, it was the 80s, so it's less a "Heeeey, good looking" Terminator 3 number; more like Rosie from The Jetsons meets that Nintendo robot who'd play video games with you if you had no friends and your parents were super-rich. And yes, in many (okay, most) ways it was incredibly lame to have a bleeping robot serving Paulie drinks in a Rocky movie. But on the other hand... c'mon, ROBOT!!!

5. "I must break you." Do any four words better sum up what Americans thought the Soviets thought about us during the Cold War? I still say this a minimum of twice a month to my therapist. She loves that.

4. Rocky's fighting style. In some films he tries to spruce things up in the ring — in II he learns to fight right-handed, in III he picks up Apollo's skill and speed — but invariably it comes down to the same thing: the Rock takes a beating like he stole something for 14 rounds, then when the other guy has worn himself out from all that punching, summons up every last ounce of heart to remain on his feet and wins. Nobody ever hit people in the fist with his face like Rocky, and as a strategy it's both incredibly dumb and oddly inspiring.

3. Rocky runs up the steps of the Philadelphia Art Museum. Having done it a time or two myself, allow me to share with you — that's a lot of frigging stairs. Not so many that you can't do it without getting winded... but then, it's probably tougher if you've gone on a 108 mile run through the streets of South Philly first. No style points for reaching the top unless you jump around like a goon with your fists in the air.

2. Rocky beat communism. Don't believe me? Rocky KOs Ivan Drago, wins respect of Russians: 1985. Berlin Wall dismantled: 1989. Soviet Union collapses: 1991. You think that would have happened without a U.S. win in the ring? Pull the other one, comrade. Stay tuned in 2008 for Rocky VII: Rocky vs. China.

1. Be honest — did you EVER think you'd see Hulk Hogan and Mr. T. in the same movie?!? Outside of heaven, I mean? 'Nuff said, fool.