Quiet Please! Theater Etiquette

You know the feeling. You've just paid about twice as much money for a movie ticket as you did as a kid, you've settled into a seat in a slightly too crowded theater, and you're patiently waiting through the last of the army recuitment and Coke ads before your movie gets going. You mentally detach from the real world, just a little bit, and settle in for a couple hours' worth of distraction, as the lights go down and your movie starts.

Then it happens.

(You KNOW what I'm about to say, don't you?)

Some joker's cell phone rings. Or someone starts talking to their neighbour in their loudest voice. The anger most of us feel at these kind of intrusions is positively mindblowing. It's enough to throw people into a literal rage, and I've seen it firsthand. Heck, I've BEEN that guy. I can't fathom how some people build up enough mental strength to actually leave the house and inflict their presence upon me in a situation that should be calm and quiet. So join me as I proceed to deconstruct my movie theater pet peeves one by one. Better still, join me in helping get rid of these yahoos!

Talking (aka: You Should Know Everything I Think, And I'll Tell You Why)

I've sat near this guy countless times.

You've no doubt heard the expression "saving the best for last". Well today, it's "using the worst for first". People who talk in theaters irritate the living crap out of me. Whether it's commenting on how you expect the story to go, offering helpful advice to characters onscreen, or just asking your friend where they'd like to go for drinks after, I'm really not interested in hearing your voice during a movie.

Sure, there are times when you need to talk, or just want to mention something clever you thought of. This is why our caveman ancestors invented whispering! I can admit to this. It's not a crime to lean over to your friend and share a little joke or ask what time it is, so long as it's done quietly. Why is it then, that people actually feel the need to speak at a normal volume (or worse, shout) whenever they feel their need to flap their gums outweighs my need to enoy some overpriced entertainment?

Although Justin claims to be too polite for this, and normally I am too, I have indeed resorted to out and out yelling at people who violate this most precious rule. I had a moronic teenager (not necessarily redundant, but sometimes you wonder) sitting right behind me during my first theater viewing of The Two Towers. This frigging kid had spent the entire first half of the movie talking to his friends, at first at a whisper, but steadily getting louder and louder as the movie went on.

Remember the scene where all the Ents gathered, and one of them had a big nose? Yeah, Junior behind me found that to be a good time to point out, in his loudest volume so far, that "hur hur hur... that guy's got a big nose". I proceeded to turn around, thank this kid at an even louder volume for pointing out that yes, in fact, the creature on screen does indeed have a large proboscis, how wonderfully insightful of you to point that out, you little genius you! I then stayed turned around, staring at him and waiting for some acknowledgement, while he proceeded to pretend to ignore me as best as is possible with an angry 230 pound man sitting directly in front of you, daring you to so much as MOVE with his eyes. Junior was quite quiet after this incident.

I'd like to ask, on behalf of the International Committee of People With Functioning Brains, that you morons who insist on chatting during a movie please, for the love of Justin, to just give it a rest. If you do, world peace may yet be an attainable goal, but only if we work together!

General Noises (aka: I Can't Possibly Turn My Cell Off, I'm Too Important!)

"Go ahead, I'm on the hands-free!"

Space. The final frontier. Welcome to the 21st century, with all it's magnificent leaps forward in every imaginable field and technology we have yet been able to develop. It's truly a marvelous time to be alive. I'm pretty grateful for what all this technomarvel has allowed me in my life, but there's inevitably going to be a downside.

Have you ever noticed the number of cell phones in the world around you? It seems everyone from age 12 and up is important enough to need to be available for instant communication every second of their waking lives, regardless of location. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed cell usage in my time (I currently do not own a cell). But it's gotten ridiculous. People call each other from grocery stores so that they can agonize with their spouse over which kind of mustard to buy. Teens spend more time on the phone planning what they want to do than actually doing it. And perhaps most irritatingly, people leave their phones on in the theaters.

Cell phones, PDA's, beepers, watches... there are any number of gadgets that ring or beep or buzz in today's theaters, and it's driving me to drink (more than usual). I'm aware of what a hot topic this has been over the past couple of years, what with talk of installing signal jammers in theaters, bylaws, fines, and all that good stuff, but it really is simple. If you're a doctor, I forgive you if your phone rings. That's what it's for. If your wife is about to give birth, I question why you're even in the theater to begin with ("Who? Oh YEAH!"), but sure, good reason to be interrupted. But most people, like you and me, are just average Joes (or in Canada, Gords). We don't actually need constant telecommunication or alarms or reminders 24 hours a day, do we? I turn my Palm's sound off before I even get in the door of a theater, why would you do any less?

Children (aka: How To Be An Irresponsible Parent)

"This is the best part! Lookit that blood spray!"

Okay, first things first: no, I'm not a father yet. I have no dependents or diapers to deal with. So yes, this comes as a bit of an "easier said than done" complaint, but it doesn't make me wrong. YOUR children are YOUR responsibility. There, I said it.

I speak not a word of a lie when I say that I have seen children in countless movie theaters they simply shouldn't have been in, both in and out of their parents' direct supervision. I have seen children in the audience for the following movies (as just a couple of many examples): My Big Fat Greek Wedding (which maybe won't hurt a kid, but why would they even want to see it?), Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (which is not only pretty violent, it's IN CHINESE), and Kill Bill. Kill-freaking-Bill, the current record holder for "most fake blood used in a motion picture" (450 gallons, reportedly). Kill Bill features the graphic deaths of at least one hundred characters. At least that many. It features arms hacked off. Heads flying. Blood flowing in small rivers. And I saw two ten year old kids in the audience.

Now, never mind the irritation factor for me when a little girl asks her mom to constantly translate the subtitles she's too young to read in CTHD. Kids are being brought or sent into movies that they just shouldn't be seeing from incredibly young ages. And we collectively wonder why they're all depressed and angsty as they get older, or why they go beating the crap out of each other. The ratings system, like it or not, is there to warn people what the content of a movie will be like. How can you buy tickets for a child to see a movie about the mass slaughter of dozens of people, or the sex lives of Greeks? Won't someone think of the children?

Linejumping (aka: Smiling And Pretending I'm Not Really There)

Seriously, would you WANT to break into this line?

Ever since George Lucas decided the original Star Wars trilogy hadn't made him quite enough money, and he released Episode I, it has become a steadily growing social norm to wait in line for movies. Now, this isn't anything new, per se, people have been in line for sporting events, concerts, and other shows for longer than I've been alive. But for whatever reason, movies have become the next big thing that you can't possibly be second in line for.

It's kind of baffling, really. Films tend to stay in theaters for weeks at a time. It'll be the same Lord of the Rings feature next week as it will be opening night. But it's become a huge deal to be the first to see a movie. And yes, I've fallen prey to this one myself. Hey, the sacrifices of being a mutant.

But I've noticed, with a great deal of boiling, seething anger, that it's also become a common practise to jump lines for these things. I will make this very simple. If you cut into a line ahead of me for a movie that I'm dying to see, expect me to instruct you on how that makes me feel. The whole point of forming a line is that you are trading your time spent in line for a better viewing position of the movie itself. So when you sneak your buddies into line five minutes before premiere time, they have, simply put, not paid up. They have not invested their time in the line, they shouldn't be in the theater.

Food/Garbage (aka: I Live In A Pigsty, I Just Thought I'd Share)

Sorry, Brazil fans. Didn't mean to tease you.

I often find myself sadly bemusing the fate of theater employees. Yes, they've dodged the worst of teenaged jobs (fast food, gas stations), but they've still got a bad gig. The hours are bad, the work is boring, and the patrons... well, we've already covered what some movie patrons can be like. But let me ask you, if there's any one thing that probably most people I've ever seen enter a theater do that just physically grosses me out, it's the way they just toss their garbage around.

"But PoolMan!" comes the reply. "Those poor kids you just mentioned, their jobs depend on having something to clean! We're ensuring their job security by being slobs!" I have such a hard time with this argument (and yes, I've had it given to me in person). Sure, leaving garbage on, in, under, and around our seats gives them something to do, but let's be realistic here, people. The poor people cleaning the theater after you leave are usually minimum wage jockeys, and I'm pretty sure they're not individually boiling the chairs. Have you ever been in a theater where the floor was sticky? Where you probably could have walked up the walls? Take a good close look at the next movie screen you sit in front of. I'll bet you dollars to donuts there's at least ten gummi bears stuck to it.

I can't understand the whole "drop your garbage" thing, I just can't. If I buy something to eat for a movie, that bag or cup is coming out with me, and I'm putting it in a garbage can. Know why? Because I'd hate for the next person to come after me to have to live in my filth. It's astonishing.

In Conclusion... (aka: I Couldn't Think Of A Clever Way To End This)

Everyone I've ever shared my feelings with has always agreed with me that these things are terrible. It bothers every person I know that there are so many gum flinging, child toting, cell answering, loud talking mouth breathers out there in the world, and yet nobody ever owns up to these things. Come on people! Somebody's got to be doing it! Just do me a favour, and make sure it isn't you.

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