8: Escape From New Jersey

What's your favorite cartoon of all time?

Justin: Any of the answers buzzing around in my mind will have to contend with the juggernaut comedy powerhouse that is The Simpsons, and while there are many that are excellent (Real Ghostbusters, Futurama, Invader Zim, Venture Bros, Family Guy, Voltron), nothing can get even close to topping Springfield's residents. It's a hell of a town.

Kyle: Tough one to start out with! I guess, in the grand scheme of things, it would have to be the original 'G.I. Joe' cartoon. I can tell you very little about it now, other than most of the iconic theme song ("Knowing is half the battle!"), but when I was a kid and my GI Joe action figures were an absolute staple in everyday battle indoors and outdoors, the cartoon was what helped feed my imagination and suggest uses for various vehicles and natural formations in the backyard (sandbox becomes a beach, the garden becomes a minefield, etc.). I would hate to watch it now and see how lame it might possibly be, but "back in the day" it was one of the most important things to watch. Although the opening mini-series of "Darkwing Duck" did its best to dethrone it in my heart, it lacks the awesome toy tie-in (the Darkwing Duck figure was awful: I HATE action features!) to really push it over the top.

Al: Well, The Simpsons pretty much has a lock on my top spot and I don't see that changing anytime soon. However, I'd be remiss if I did not mention that He-Man and the Masters of the Universe comprised a large part of my early childhood and still holds a place near and dear to my heart. Plus: The DVD boxes form a picture when you put them side by side! Sweet!

Lissa: Futurama. I suppose I should cite something I watched as a kid, but nostalgia can't save The Thundercats or The Smurfs, and Futurama has a mad scientist.

Sue: It's time for Animaniacs!

Shalen: Very hard to say. Hellsing (the whole series) is way up there, and so is the original cheesy X-men cartoon back before all the male characters became puppyish and doe-eyed.

Drew: I'd be lying if I said anything could top The Simpsons. There've been some hilarious cartoons in the last decade or so (Futurama, Animaniacs, South Park), but I don't think any have been quite as clever or hilarious as that pinnacle of cartoon sitcoms. As far as the cartoons of my youth, Voltron, Transformers, and He-Man would all rank pretty high.

What movie would've been better if you'd directed it, and why?

Justin: Alien3. If only to stop Hicks and Newt from a pointless death, and Ripley from moping around for two hours before biting the big one.

Kyle: Loaded question to hit us with second! Actually, I just brought it up in a roundtable discussion, so it's fresh in my mind: Fletch Lives. I would have kept the source novels in mind but mostly I would have kept the spirit very close to that of the first film. Fletch goes down to the south and uses his lackadaisical charm and sardonic humor to uncover corruption, land a hot southern belle, and bring every plot thread together at the end to serve justice and make sure he comes out on top (with or without Lakers tickets). Less stupid juvenile humor, a lot more subtle and wry humor. And all the disguises would have been much more useful, instead of ridiculous throwaway gags.

Al: The Fantastic Four. I did enjoy this one, but I can't look past how poorly they handled Doctor Doom. I like them going the "Ultimate" Doom route with him becoming metallic and all, but I had really great visions of the transformation slowly driving him mad. I picture him running his hands through his hair in a business meeting, only to have it come out in clumps in between his fingers. He's alone in a room lit only by a dying fire, sobbing and grunting. He drags his nails down his cheek like it's a chalkboard and the skin scrapes off underneath them to reveal metal, glistening in the flames. He sees the skin shavings trapped under his fingernails and loses it entirely, scrubbing at his face with his palms like it's dirt that won't come off and tearing the flesh from his body. Injecting a bit of darkness would be a nice counterpoint to the FF, who, for all their angsty bickering, are pretty cheery throughout it all. As is, Doom isn't threatening, just whiny. And what was *up* with the lightning bolts?

Lissa: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. (Or possibly the first two Harry Potters. But not Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.) Are any of you really going to challenge me on this one?

Sue: Star Wars - Attack of the Clones. I'd have muzzled Anakin, de-mulleted Obi-Wan and hired a real writer with a few gallons of White-Out to fix George's script.

Shalen: I'd like to have directed Flicka, because then the film could have ended with the fiery death of both the horse and the adorable blond protagonist in a burning house surrounded by ravenous zombies.

Drew: Weekend at Bernie's II. Watch as "voodoo drums reanimate corpse" becomes "voodoo drums reanimate corpse… with a craving for human flesh." I envision Shaun of the Dead-style highjinks, but on a tropical beach with babes all around. Sweet!

Celebrities like naming their kids after comic characters (Harley Quinn, Kal-El), or space exploration devices (Moon Unit), or fruit (Apple). If you were a big-shot Hollywood type, what crazy name would you inflict on your spawn?

Justin: Son Number One: He Who Must Not Be Named. Son Number Two: He Who Walks Behind The Rows. Daughter Number One: Zoe. I like Zoe.

Kyle: If it were a boy, I think I'd go with Guitar M****. For a girl, it'd be Chai Streams M****.

Al: Well, I really do know of a little girl named Abcde (pronounced "Ab-suh-dee"), which is quite possibly paving the way for a lifetime of therapy. Between that and Dweezil, I'm not sure I can come up with anything that's really of such a caliber. I suppose I could declare my love of J.R.R. Tolkien and name my child "Cellar Door". That'd be... awkward. And my mom would probably never talk to me again.

Lissa: I wouldn't. I want my kid to still speak to me in twenty years time. I actually don't have any favorite characters that I would name a kid after. I mean, the name Harry kind of sucks, and I'd never inflict the name Sirius (Are you serious? Why yes, yes I am! gets old after the second or third time). Mal is kind of… meh, and Kaylee is way too popular for my taste. I would never use a George R.R. Martin character because I don't trust him to a.) not kill them or b.) not make me hate them two books later.

But if my brother came to me and asked me to name his kid, I'd totally make something up.

Sue: *Rubbing hands together in maniacal glee* For a boy: Wile E., Plantain, Chomsky or Binky. For a girl: Toffifay (yeah, even though it is too good for kids), Seven (family tradition) or Oliphantessa. Isn't it nice I'm not a big-shot Hollywood type and my kids won't have to kill me in my sleep?

Shalen: I'd probably name my first son Latrodectus and my first daughter Portia. (Google those words and "spiders" and you'll see why.)

Drew: For a boy, Jukebox Hero or Scud the Disposable Assassin. For a girl, Pinball Wizard or Sussudio.