 5: Kyle Goes Bananas! |
 He's back. |
THEME: A pop psych profile as given by certified kook James Lipton, shot through a Mutant prism. Yeah!
I don’t know what that means either.
I do know that I enjoy doing these question/answer things because it’s a way to get to know the people I call “my Mutant friends.” Too often, we all only know our friends via the faceless, anonymous internet. You can find out their arrest records, credit history, and medical files, if you look hard enough, but that doesn’t tell you who they are as a person. So hopefully, with this newest look into the internal psyches and gastrointestinal processes of the staff of Mutant Reviewers from Hell, you the reader will feel like you’ve gained some insight, and will be a little more willing to spot Justin some cash or let Drew and Sue crash in your laundry room as they make their way cross-country to see the Hollywood sign with their very own eyes (p.s. – it sucks!).
Let me (Kyle!) close by saying this: it’s great to be a part of this creative, lively, and largely attractive staff, but it’s even better to be the one asking the questions and collecting the answers, so I can go last and sound like the smartest and most visibly tanned Mutant reviewers. It’s a scene, man! Plus, for that last question, even though I asked for a “few” examples of personal heroes, because I’m “edgy” and “don’t play by the rules” I myself can give up to 50 examples and it’s totally cool. I love America!
DESCRIBE YOUR TYPICAL CLOTHING ENSEMBLES FROM MORNING TO NIGHT?
JUSTIN: I'm a pretty casual guy with a dress code-relaxed work environment. Translation? Shorts, t-shirt, overshirt and sandals most of the time. I have been known — a legend as rare as the phoenix — to wear a suit for certain church occasions (sermons, funerals and weddings)... but I'll still wear sneakers as a compromise.
DREW: First outfit of the day is the dreaded work clothes, generally business-casual khakis and short-sleeve, button-down shirt. That takes me till 5:00, then I switch to an old t-shirt and basketball shorts or a Speedo (avert your eyes, children!) to do a workout. Afterward, I throw on my preferred outfit of jeans, a t-shirt and sneakers, wear that till bedtime, then strip down to the ol’ boxers (steady, ladies) and hit the sack.
SUE: For work, I dress in a fashionably understated ensemble of blue jeans and either a t-shirt, polo or long sleeved denim shirt, all with smart little embroidered logos on them. The logos are probably there in case I forget where I work and need to depend on the kindness of strangers to direct me. At last count, I owned fourteen shirts with logos, leading me to believe that my boss puts a high probability on my becoming lost. Occasionally I accessorize with a heather stone necklace to show my vulnerable and artistic side, and quite often I wear a belt resplendent with businesslike metal studs in a subtle 'mess with me and I'll break every bone in your body' message. No, I don’t see a conflict there. At home, I throw caution to the winds and wear my shirts without embroidered logos.
CLARE: If I'm going to work, it's usually, uh work clothes. Right now I'm wearing a black short sleeved v-neck t-shirt, a red and black plaid just above the knee skirt and a pair of black wedge heel toe loop sandals. After work I usually change into pajama pants, work out clothes or, if I'm not going anywhere and have the house to myself, I just sit around in my underpants.
 I like big butts. And I cannot lie. |
RICH: If I’m working – it’s black suit, shirt and tie till the evenings. Then when evening comes, or if it’s the weekend, it’s jeans or combats, plus whatever T-shit/shirt happens to be clean at the time.
LISSA: At work: old jeans, plain t-shirts, really old sneakers, and a pony tail. I work with diesel fuel, okay? Not at work: better jeans, nicer t-shirts, and nicer shoes (or if I actually have a reason to wear one, a pretty dress), and occasionally some nice jewelry. At night: you don’t need to know!
KYLE: Wake up in... well, I wake up. Throw on shorts, a tee-shirt with pithy saying and/or skateboarding company logo, and Sanuk sandals. Party till it’s swim-time, then throw on favorite blue swim trunks. Finish it off with old soccer shorts and gym shirt from junior high, which still fits and is incredibly comfortable (thanks, Arvada Junior!). Or, if it’s time for job interview or a day/night on the towns or a date, then I break out real shoes, jeans, and a black shirt with a skateboarding logo on it. Ties, sports coats, and button shirts are added as necessary.
WEIRDEST PERSONAL HABIT YOU’RE WILLING TO SHARE?
JUSTIN: I have a bedroom. With a bed. Yet I sleep on my couch every night, without fail. Couch more comfy. I also play with Silly Putty at work.
DREW: I always eat my food in an even number of bites, and I alternate which side of my mouth I’m chewing on. If I’m eating, say, M&Ms and there’s an odd number, I’ll bite the last one in half with my front teeth and chew one half on each side. But I’m not OCD, I swear.
 Sue on her stud |
CLARE: I tend to have very elaborate and extensive conversations with nobody in particular while I'm driving. I don't have a car stereo (it got stolen, oh, about 5 years ago) so I keep myself entertained by talking to myself non-stop in the car. Either that or I'll look around me in traffic and make up complex back stories for the people sitting in their cars around me.
POOLMAN: I chew my moustache. A lot.
RICH: I’ve eaten Kentucky Fried Chicken every single Sunday for about the last year and a half.
LISSA: I asked Duckie for answers to this one. The one I’m willing to share is that when I check out at the grocery store, I neatly and compulsively pack every square inch of space on the conveyer belt. Don’t ask me why.
KYLE: When I go into a movie theater, I walk over to the opposite side to go up those stairs and sit on the far side of the theater, since lazy people never make it over there (too far!). As I walk, I feel obligated to push down one or more of the fold-up arm rests on those flat seats at the front of the theater. I used to think it was a theatrical gesture designed to impress girls in the audience by appearing sullen, moody, and violent, but I find myself doing it even if I’m the first and/or only person in there. Weird!
NEW STUFF OR ANTIQUES?
JUSTIN: As a geek, I love new geeky toys (my iPod being my latest favorite). As a strange person, I love weird knickknacks, such as road signs, mannequins, and melted Slinky statues.
DREW: Old-school, baby. Except when the new stuff is better.
SUE: My decorating scheme can be best described as St. Vincent De Paul goes to Wal-Mart. This is not necessarily a reflection on financial status or taste, but perfectly illustrates life with two children and a pair of greyhounds. XXL dog crates as end tables are excellent conversation pieces and have enough surface area for a multitude of snacks, books, CD’s, lamps, guitar picks... Anyway, everything becomes an antique eventually.
CLARE: Antiques, vintage clothes, used shizz, it's all good.
POOLMAN: New stuff. Always. I like shiny silver things that play music or organize me. Pooly like toys!
 Ultra-Secretary 3000! |
LISSA: New stuff. So not an antique person.
KYLE: New stuff, definitely. The only one thing I don’t constantly feel like burning is my clothes dresser, which was my mom’s in college and is super-cool. Plus, I’m still convinced there’s a secret cache of drugs hidden somewhere, somehow, in the thing...
SHARE A COUPLE SONGS THAT PERFECTLY CAPTURE THE STATE OF YOUR LIFE RECENTLY?
JUSTIN: "Stand Up" by Everyday Sunday (a song about standing up proudly for your beliefs); "Hey Leonardo" by Blessed Union of Souls (about finding a girl who loves you for who you are); "Water Buffalo Song" by Superchic[k] (because EVERYbody's got a water buffalo!)
DREW: Wonderful Day by O.A.R. The Distance by Cake. The Joker by the Steve Miller Band [minus the smoking/midnight toking]. I Wanna Be (500 Miles) by the Proclaimers. And perpetually, It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) by REM.
SUE: "Can't Hurry Love" (Phil Collins), "Don't Worry, Be Happy" (Bobby McFerrin) and "I'm No Heroine" (Ani DiFranco). Actually to “perfectly capture” the state of my life, I suspect I’d have to start trolling through the country stations. But I have my pride. Yes I do.
CLARE: Uh, what's that one about liking big butts and not being able to lie about it? Or that one about having a milkshake that all the boys in the neighborhood would like to inquire about? Man. I'm so not cool it hurts my teeth.
POOLMAN: Going to the Chapel, The Dixie Cups (cheesy, but true) Working for the Weekend, Loverboy, The Old Apartment, Barenaked Ladies.
RICH: Talking Heads – Once In A Lifetime, as I’ve recently been asking myself “Where is my beautiful house, and beautiful wife, and why exactly aren’t I at the wheel of a large automobile?” Nine Inch Nails – Happiness In Slavery; pretty much the best “I hate my job in every way imaginable” song I could think of, which is useful, because I hate my job in every way imaginable – spooky!
LISSA: “If You’re Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands”; “How D’ya Like Me Now?” by Toby Keith; "The List”, also by Toby Keith.
KYLE: “Good Girls Don’t” by The Knack. “The Only Living Boy in New York” by Paul Simon. “I’ve Grown Accustomed to Her Face” From My Fair Lady.
BEST MOVIE SOUNDTRACK EVER?
 |
DREW: When you’re depressed, The Crow. When you’re manic, South Park. Anything in between, Empire Records and Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back.
SUE: Moulin Rouge! is beyond awesome, but I have a long-term love affair with the music from Fiddler On The Roof. Penniless writer, penniless milkman… It’s too close to call!
CLARE: Tie: Repo Man and Purple Rain.
POOLMAN: By osmosis, I’ll say Trainspotting. I used to hate techno without qualification, but many friends have turned me onto this album, and it is indeed fine. I’ll also put a healthy nod towards Pulp Fiction.
RICH: There’s a few I could pick from here; I have an abiding love for the soundtrack from The Crow, I really like the Lost Highway soundtrack, and I’ve listened to the Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack more times than I can count – however, the answer has to be the Romeo + Juliet Soundtrack, which I like so much I’ve actually bought it three separate times on CD. Why? Because it’s great.
LISSA: Moulin Rouge! Duh.
KYLE: Rocky Horror Picture Show wins in a close contest over Batman (go Prince!) and the first Austin Powers movie.
DRUG USE, GRAPHIC SEX, PROFANITY: ARE THESE NECESSSARY TO PORTRAY “REAL LIFE” IN FILMS OR JUST CINEMATIC PLEASURE PELLETS FOR LESS DISCERNING MOVIEGOERS?
JUSTIN: I was recently watching Dark City and listening to the Roger Ebert commentary for it, in which Ebert mentioned how that film really had no profanity whatsoever, because it would be very out of place for the film's atmosphere. There can be great films with those elements, there can be great films without them, and there can be a crapload of films made worse by including them for the sheer "shock" value. Generally, my feeling is that if those elements are necessary *to tell the story*, then I'm fine with them being there. Generally, they aren't necessary, but are included because Hollywood considers them staples and can't imagine most movies without them. The Princess Bride had exactly two swears — would it have been a better movie if it had more and received a PG-13 rating?
DREW: No, ideally, and yes. In that order. Honestly, I think it depends on the type of film. Drug use isn’t a part of my “real life,” but if it’s an R-rated movie set in Compton, it’d be unrealistic not to show it. Similarly, profanity is, like it or not, a part of our society, and its absence would be noticeable in more mature fare. (Just try watching TBS’s dubbed version of The Breakfast Club sometime.) And if I’ve paid my 7 bucks and don’t get to see anybody nekkid, I want my money back.
SUE: Absolutely! Totally beyond any reasonable doubt and I will adamantly defend that opinion until my keyboard spontaneously combusts or my fist gets splinters from pounding on my desk. I think it’s high time that we all take a stand! We need to become proactive, not reactive! Grab the initiative! Make a difference! Control your destiny! It’s things like this that give me hope in the future of mankind! And I really mean that!
 Aww. Don't cry for me Star Trek fans. |
POOLMAN: I don’t think they’re necessary, no. Not usually. I find it takes more creativity to make something entertaining without resorting to base tactics. Although it’s occasionally a good idea… again, look to Trainspotting. Tough to make that movie without picturing tons of drug use, but it had a point.
RICH: Well, all those things do actually exist in real life, so not to portray them in your gritty urban movie would certainly defeat the point; and personally, I think a lot of people use movies with this content as an excuse, much as video games are often used as an ‘excuse’ for juvenile violence. On the flip side of that though, I think there is a responsibility for the censors, parents, and cinemas to ensure that underage kids aren’t exposed to these kinds of movies.
LISSA: Depends. It would be really hard and probably stupid to do something like “Trainspotting” without showing drug use. But the graphic sex scene in “Matrix Reloaded” was just really bad, and totally pulled the viewer out of the story. Most of the time, not necessary, unless the movie is actually dealing with the subject in question.
KYLE: I don’t have to see them on-screen, but a movie is so completely white-washed that there isn’t a hint that these things even exist in that cinematic universe, it bothers me. It’s certainly possible to tell a story where these don’t play a major role, but we’re all only human and more often than not, paths we take are going to lead us to these roads whether we like it not: if the story and/or characters are going that way, I’ll feel cheated if there isn’t at least a snippet of dialogue to cover or deflect that movement. Just give us a nice middle-of-the-road look that at least through action or dialogue or vomiting guy in the background acknowledges that these play a role in the world, even if they don’t play any particular role in the film.
DO YOU ACTUALLY TAKE NOTES WHILE WATCHING A MOVIE?
JUSTIN: If I'm watching the DVD on my computer, then yes; if I go to the theaters, no.
DREW: If I remember to bring something to write on, yeah. I have an amazing memory for pop culture tidbits, but that leaves no room for anything else, so if it’s a non-Simpsons quote, I gotta write it down.
SUE: I've taken notes in theaters, but it's incredibly difficult when you can't actually see what you're writing. Theaters are like, you know, really dark. Besides, you're also trying to balance that big bag o' popcorn along with the notebook, the pen, napkins and the small soda that cost more than the mortgage payment. So whether I even make the attempt depends on several variables, not the least of which is whether I think the movie has serious potential to be just bursting at the seams with Groovy Quotes and Didja Notices. I took notes for The Bourne Supremacy, for instance, and I'm really glad I did. At home it's a no brainer. I have a direct line of sight from the computer desk to the television and I don't have to look at the keyboard when I type. That's gravy.
CLARE: Sometimes. But not very often.
POOLMAN: Almost never. I tend to believe that it’s not how the average person watches a movie, so why change my own experience?
RICH: Sometimes; if I’m watching a film at home, alone, specifically with the intent to review it, then yes. I’d feel like even more of a dufus than I usually do going to the cinema alone if I took a pad and pen along as well though, so I’ll just tend to hammer out a few notes on my PC when I get back if I really want to go to town on a review of a cinematic movie.
LISSA: Yes — at least at home. I’m a total geek, okay?
KYLE: Nope. Photographic memory, don’t you know. I’m a genius!
 Wild Things throws us into rapture |
JUSTIN: If the movie fits one of these categories: it's so good that it needs a champion to tout its goodness on the site; it's so absolutely horrible that I need to warn people away; it's so bad that making fun of it would be a juicy treat I couldn't resist; or it's got the odd/cult stamp of Need On MRFH on it.
DREW: When Justin flings open my cell door, zaps me with a cattle prod and barks, “Killer Klowns From Outer Space! Tomorrow!” Or just if I happen to remember one and really want to convey my thoughts about it. I forget which.
SUE: At this time, I’m still one of the New Mutants on the Block, (CD’s and posters on sale in the lobby!) so the cinematic world is my oyster. No…that’s not quite right. The cinematic world is a seabed full of oysters, and they’re all mine, but only a few have pearls, whereas others are just full of disgusting goo, grit and industrial waste, but it’s my lot in life to pry ‘em all open and hold them up for inspection. Preferably I want to feel something beyond ambivalence for a movie, but y’know, whatever. I’m also totally open to bribes, but so far no one’s tried that approach.
CLARE: If I have an opinion about it strong enough to discuss with anyone I know in my day to day affairs I'll usually put it in review form. Or if I can come up with something insanely witty to say about it regardless of it's overall merit or lack thereof.
POOLMAN: When a close, trusted friend of mine busts a gut laughing at a movie. Usually that’ll do it. But sometimes, you just see little signs. I wonder if any of the other Mutants ever see Justin hiding in the background in Three Men and a Baby…
RICH: I’m going to say ‘it’s an organic process’, which I think is posh talk for saying ‘I just do what I feel like doing’. A lot of people have influence over what I review, friends both real and online often make suggestions, as do my parents, but most of the time it’s a case of me being sat down in front of the TV, driving home from work, or just noodling around the house when my inner voice tells me “You must review Ernest Goes To Camp” – and who am I to refuse the voices in my head?
LISSA: When I’m sitting in front of my computer and trying to type a review. If it comes, a movie gets reviewed. If it doesn’t, the review molders on my desk top. And Justin’s breathing down our necks for more reviews helps. Deadlines work wonders.
KYLE: Any more, I won’t know until I’m actually sitting through the movie. The world has become a strange and confusing place, and films that you might think are easy Mutant fodder turn out D.O.A., and little character pieces and unjustly-forgotten-films are instead what clamors out for out attention.
WHAT CINEMATIC HOPES DO YOU HAVE FOR THE FUTURE TO KEEP FUELING MRFH OUTPUT? (as in, what actors/writers/directors/key grips/etc. give you hope that there will be worthwhile stuff to cover in the future)
JUSTIN: Independent films are the great hope of cult cinema, as Hollywood keeps taking less and less risks, there are more and more frustrated movie fans looking for something different, and taking the steps to make their imaginations into those different types of movies.
 J.D., reporting for duty |
SUE: Ewan McGregor has terrific range as an actor and he chooses a vast diversity of roles. To coin a phrase, I shall follow his career with great interest. The Harry Potter series continues to improve cinematically… except for the casting of Lupin, which has left me a bitter old woman. I want to see more from Baz Luhrmann. I want Revenge of the Sith not to be the unmitigated travesty of cheesy dialogue I anticipate it will be. (But that’s MRFH fuel no matter how it turns out.) I continue to hold out hope for Highlander: Methos Takes Manhattan.
CLARE: Here's a short list of actors who I will automatically go see in whatever piece of sh*te they're currently acting in simply because I think they're exceedingly talented and will, with my feeble help, become huge, huge stars. (By the way, this has never actually worked, so I just continue to just humbly love really underrated actors who never become huge, huge stars.) Giovani Ribisi, Adrien Brody, Stephen Dorff, Mark Ruffalo, James Franco, Ryan Gosling.
POOLMAN: (Pulling names out of the air) The good: Scarlett Johansson, Seth Green, Sam Raimi, Quentin Tarantino. The bad: Kevin Smith, Britney Spears, Jennifer Lopez (who I absolutely refuse to call by that stupid abbreviation). The ugly: Ben Affleck.
RICH: There are a whole bunch of people out there who continue to make me go “Well if X Person is in it/directing I’ve gotta go see it” – David Fincher, Christopher Nolan and Bryan Singer for directors, Andy Garcia, DeNiro and Pacino for actors off the top of my head. That being said, with the exception of a couple of upcoming films (Sin City and Batman Begins are what I’m looking forward too right now) I haven’t been really excited to see a film since Matrix: Revolutions – and look how that turned out. In other news, I’m considering suing the Wachowski’s for ruining my enjoyment of all upcoming films ever.
LISSA: Movies that look good - even though I should know better - and I’m still stupid enough to go see. Disappointment does wonders for inspiring reviews. So the guy who wrote Van Helsing, Josh Hartnett and George Lucas are likely to keep me fueled for quite some time.
KYLE: Argh, Drew beat me to it, but Zach Braff is officially The Man for the rest of September for the greatness not only of Garden State but also for the soundtrack (which he compiled). I still think the world of comic books has a wealth of jewels waiting to be turned into cinematic gold, especially books from the indie and small press racks. If “Street Angel” doesn’t get developed anytime soon, I’ll eat my own skateboard (once I buy a new one). The Japanese horror film industry isn’t going to stop for us to catch up, so I think America’s horror film creators are starting to feel the competition and are preparing to catch up (I can’t wait for Saw!). Other than that, we’ll have to hope that creative types who grew up watching the good films of the past couple decades (namely, any film reviewed here at MRFH) are duly inspired and start creating intelligent and witty films that start Lindsay Lohan and/or Scarlett Johansson. And Will Ferrell won’t let us down; neither will Wes Anderson. Yo ho, yo ho, a life aquatic for me!
WILL WE EVER SEE A WEALTH OF JOHN HUGHES-ESQUE COMING-OF-AGE FILMS AGAIN, OR ARE THEY GONE FOREVER?
JUSTIN: God willing, yes. There's always a market for teen flicks, and I think we've seen them pop up regularly, if not noticeably, since the 80's.
DREW: Nah… everything goes in cycles, and American Pie proved there’s still life in the genre. We’ll see a slew of ‘em again someday, but in modified forms. Maybe Eminem’ll play the next Bender.
SUE: No, they’re not gone forever. I saw them at the Movie Gallery just the other day. They’re doing fine, send their love, and would really be grateful if you could send them some baked goods, or maybe just a check.
CLARE: Gone forever. I mean, they still make movies with teenagers as the central characters. Regularly. I just find that the vast, vast, vast majority of those movies could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch with all the sucking they suck.
POOLMAN: Dude, they’re done. Done like dinner. Treasure them; there will never be another Hughes. Today’s teen comedies are too much about people drinking gross things, not about growing up.
 Let my Cameron go... |
LISSA: My Ouija board says gone forever.
KYLE: Nah, they’ll be back in some form or another. They may not be a pure breed, but people who really loved them and are in a position to do something about it will bring them back, someday. They won’t be the same and they’ll probably have a mean streak of irony running through them, but we all have to evolve. Hold out hope, people!
DESCRIBE YOUR AVERAGE TRIP TO THE MOVIE THEATER?
JUSTIN: Unless I go see a movie with friends, my big rule is that if I make the effort to go to the theater, I'm not just seeing one film. Double-headers are a must, so it takes some coordinating to find two movies I want to see, and make sure that the times suit so that I can see them back-to-back. Otherwise, it's a pretty routine experience: go during a matinee (fewer people and no talking in the audience), bring a book to read before the movies start, and chew on a bit of beef jerky.
DREW: Drive 2.6 miles to nearby AMC, walk 1.2 miles from parking space to entrance. Show counterperson old college ID (“it’s not the year I graduated, it was my freshman year, I swear”), save a buck, shamefully walk inside. Hit the snack bar for popcorn and Coke (nectar of the gods), go get seats, have someone save them while I hit the restroom, then kick back and amaze nearby patrons by answering all pre-show trivia questions correctly. Watch previews, complain that the one I wanted to see wasn’t shown, watch movie. Stick around for some of credits to see if anything good happens, relieve desperately overloaded bladder, hit snack bar to refill popcorn, and search desperately for car. Finally resort to hitting panic button, quickly locate blaring vehicle, and drive merrily away. Repeat next weekend.
SUE: I live in a relatively small town with an eight-screen cinema and my workday is finished by 2pm. I’ve long since figured out how to manipulate the system by showing up for matinees when everyone else is in school or at work, thereby scoring an entire theater for myself. I think they hate me there.
CLARE: Lately I've found that it mostly entails me working very hard not to punch, throttle, maim, injure, spit on, smack, or kick anyone around me who's acting like an utter and complete butt head.
POOLMAN: I think I already did.
RICH: If I’m going on my own, I’ll get there in plenty of time, buy popcorn and a drink, get my ticket, and be inside the movie theatre in time for the commercials, trailers, and then the film, during which I’ll give the film my full attention (if it deserves it – I’m looking at you here, Catwoman). If I’m going with my friends I’ll be waiting in the movie foyer until 5 minutes before the film starts, then they’ll show up, we’ll race to get tickets, abandon all thoughts of popcorn and take the last few seats in the cinema that are available, getting seated just before the credits roll. Yes, my friends suck at timekeeping.
LISSA: We get in the car. We drive down the highway. Duckie groans that he forgot to go around the light that takes forever. We get there incredibly early, and kill time at Lowe’s, which is really dangerous. We go in to the theater. We get tickets. We watch The Twenty. We watch the movie. We go back outside. We get in the car. We go home. What were you expecting?
KYLE: The usual trip means heading down to the Krikorian in Redlands (usually on a Friday), buying my ticket, hitting the restroom (I have the plumbing of a grape), then going in to sit down after getting a complimentary cup of ice from one of the snack stands. I sit up at the top and watch for, um, girls to come in, while running through the rest of my day and trying to guess at what previews we’re going to get. I close my eyes for the obligatory pre-theater-advertisement, keep ‘em closed for the theater-advertisement, then open them up for the trailers and the film itself. Afterward, I either hit Jazz ‘n’ Java or Jersey Pizza to talk about the movie and the girls in the audience if I’m with friends, or I’ll hit Cuca’s or Burger Town U.S.A. if I’m alone and bored. If the movie soundtrack particularly impressed me, I’ll walk over to Wherehouse Music to check it out, go into Trader Joe’s for free food and drink samples (mmm, free!) and then either go home to swim or write a review. If I’m in Los Angeles, well, things get a little crazy.
Please honestly list the first thing that pops into your head when you read the following things aloud:
 |
JUSTIN: His spoken word version of "The Real Slim Shady" in Futurama.
DREW: Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man.
SUE: Dead weasel.
CLARE: Toupee
POOLMAN: Fat lounge singer in a red Star Trek suit.
RICH: “Hey….Mr….Tambourine Man! Play! A Song! For Me!” Shatner’s music career is an inspiration to us all.
LISSA: You think I’m reading these aloud at work? Spoken Word. Will the real Slim Shady please stand up? (Futurama fans, you know what I’m talking about!)
KYLE: Jim.
MOVIE POPCORN
JUSTIN: Ick. Ack. Ptooey.
DREW: Remember to get some for Dad before leaving the theater, or don’t bother coming home.
SUE: Loved it in Big Fish. Definitely a breakthrough role for the popcorn.
CLARE: Heart attack
POOLMAN: Greasy salty bags of wasted cash. That taste good.
RICH: The only place to get good salted popcorn in the whole of the UK; costs slightly less than a mortgage. Nice with butter on.
LISSA: Butter.
KYLE: Now with free refill option that will guarantee an early death!
OPENING DAY
JUSTIN: Spatula City!
DREW: Could I get away with bringing a sword to the theater, claiming it as part of my “costume”? Might cut down on lines…
SUE: Go Pack Go! Oh, you meant with movies…
CLARE: Panic attack
POOLMAN: Standing in line to be exposed to dumb teenagers.
RICH: Roughly 6-12 months behind everyone else’s.
LISSA: Saratoga Race Track. Look, I grew up in upstate New York, okay?
KYLE: As long as it’s an early show, sure! Otherwise: madness.
EPISODES 7-9
JUSTIN: Not going to happen. Don't want them to happen. Yet, I'll go see them if they happen.
DREW: Star Wars: The Search For More Money. Coming spring 2017!
SUE: I read the books.
CLARE: F*** THAT!
POOLMAN: My worst nightmare.
RICH: A pipedream.
LISSA: NO! PLEASE GOD, NO!!!!!
KYLE: Hmm, Lindsay Lohan and Adam Brody as Han and Leia’s kids... I like it...
ELECTRIC CARS
JUSTIN: This car did not meet my eco-concerns.
DREW: “Dad! You’re about to drive off the pier!” “Oh Lisa, don’t worry - this is an electric car!”
SUE: Many accidents involving tangled extension cords.
CLARE: Begley, jr.
POOLMAN: Um… those cute little Japanese cars that would barely qualify as golf carts in North America?
RICH: Great idea, won’t be a reality in our lifetime.
LISSA: You put this on here just for me, didn’t you? Not gonna happen as a wide spread phenomenon. No infrastructure to support them, no power (the roaring down the highway type), cruddy mileage, and long battery recharge time make them unattractive to the consumer. Plus, you’re still gonna generate emissions - if not from the tailpipe then from the power plant that’s producing the electricity to power the cars. Don’t invest. Go for fuel cells for the long term, hybrids for the short.
KYLE: Sure, why not? I want a free one!
ESPRESSO
JUSTIN: What, you want to spoil coffee by shrinking it down and making it more bitter? Dumb.
DREW: If you’re giving me a shot of something, it’d darn well better be liquor.
SUE: Kyle
CLARE: Double tall please
POOLMAN: Overpriced and tiny.
RICH: Great coffee, but elusive here in the Land That Time Forgot.
LISSA: Ewww.
KYLE: Why does the cup always have to get so messy? I’ll stick with Red Bull, thanks.
SCARY MOVIE 5
JUSTIN: "Justin's Trip To The Feminine Product Aisle At The Drugstore"
DREW: More Wayans brothers than the WB.
SUE: Eventually they’ll run out of fingers to count on. And then they’ll stop.
CLARE: Whatever
POOLMAN: Scary, all right.
RICH: Haven’t seen 1-4, couldn’t care less about 5
LISSA: See above.
KYLE: After I’ve watched it, I still won’t be sure if Anna Faris is “hot” or “cute.”
ROLLING STONE
JUSTIN: Playboy Lite
DREW: Ah can’t get no… nuh nuh nuh… sa-tis-FAC-tion… nuh nuh nuh…
SUE: No Moss.
CLARE: Sell-out
POOLMAN: Jennifer Anniston’s bum.
RICH: Some kind of music magazine. I read Q and NME instead.
LISSA: Bob Dylan. (The song. I’m not that out of touch that I think he was in the band.)
KYLE: Depending where you go in SoCal, there are three different issues out at any given time: last week’s, this week’s, next week’s. Very confusing.
SILLY PUTTY
JUSTIN: Hey, it's on my desk! Right now! I'm making a fake nose with it!
DREW: Backwards comic strips! Whee!
SUE: Renée Zellweger
CLARE: Newspaper
POOLMAN: The joys of stretching Archie’s face.
RICH: Not available in the UK. We don’t get any nice things.
LISSA: Hours of entertainment in college.
KYLE: You are what you eat.
FINALLY, PLEASE SHARE A FEW OF YOUR PERSONAL HEROES AND INFLUENCES THAT INFORM YOUR LIFE AND WRITING.
JUSTIN: My big influences would be my spiritual life (you know, that Big Holy Book of Hard Sayings that gets people up in arms), Dave Barry (for humor influence), tons of other critics I read to refine movie reviewing styles, my mother (got my writing knack from her), and Canada. God save the Queen.
DREW: Dave Barry is the guy I look to and think, “If I could be doing my dream job for a living, it’d be that.” The man is clearly extremely smart and displays a great deal of insight into complex matters, yet can get away with writing about the most immature, fascinating topics under the sun. And makes it look easy. Like all good 80s nostalgists, I routinely sacrifice small animals at my shrine to John Hughes, because no one has demonstrated greater insight into the minds of young people than he has, and managed to make teen angst both serious and funny. Kevin Smith, because no one writes better dialogue, and because he gives all us Jersey kids hope for successful careers in film and comics. Neil Gaiman, for being God’s gift to writing, incredibly knowledgeable, and by all accounts one hell of a nice guy. And Matt Groening, for creating two of the most quirky, oddball, yet insanely creative, multilayered, and downright hilarious shows in history.
SUE: As far as writing humor goes, influences would definitely include the likes of Douglas Adams, Dave Barry and the ever marvelous Terry Pratchett. A reverential nod to novelist Norbert Blei who published my first book and who intimidates the heck out of me. There are also a whole lot of people I’ve written with (some in fandom, some not) who I think are about the grooviest folks in the world. I’m not always sure if they’re influences or under the influence, but they inspire me, challenge me and make me snarf Pepsi on a regular basis. Last but not least, there’re all these other Mutant Reviewers who are consistently witty, brilliant and give me a raging inferiority complex.
CLARE: Personal heroes? Geez. That's kind of a tough one. Basically everyone I surround myself with my choice is a hero or influence in some form or fashion. I'm constantly inspired by my family, my friends, my husband. I don't know how they inform my writing only than that they encourage it. And are honest with me... That's a hard question. I'll change my answer to something silly instead. Carrot Top. By far the biggest influence and my biggest hero. If for no other reason than because he is a constant reminder of the profoundly mediocre possibilities each and every one of us can find ourselves mindlessly fallen into if we don't work hard to do something, ANYTHING original and/or valuable with our time and our talents.
POOLMAN: First and foremost, Douglas Adams. The man had such a fantastic way with wordy, unnecessary branches from his main narrative… it’s a confusing treasure to read Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. This is the man who described a large spaceship hanging in midair in much the way bricks don’t. I love it. Also, Monty Python, for much the same reasons (I think I may just be a Briton trapped in a Canadian’s body). Plus Kyle, from our very own little MRFH. The guy’s got a knack for pulling laughs out of left field that just shouldn’t work, but absolutely do.
RICH: For my writing, I crib a lot of stuff from Richard Curtis, Ben Elton, Graham Linehan and Arthur Matthews (who are the writers for Blackadder and Father Ted respectively), though I think they influence my humour in general. I read whole dumptrucks worth of books, but the two authors who I most enjoy are Steven R Donaldson and George R. R. Martin, both of whom write at a level so far above mine they may as well be on a distant planet. My life influences are and will always be the people around me. My parents deserve a very special mention, my sister was an influence in a whole different way, and all my friends, from those friends who I went to school with who are still the centre of my social life, through friends I’ve met through my constant doomed relationships who have decided they like me more than my ex-girlfriend (you know who you are), and everyone I’ve met and known online (and eventually in person in some cases), including the other MRFH writers – all you people will always be bigger and better influences on me than anyone from Hollywood. Oh, and Andy Garcia, for being my hero and starring in my favourite film of all time ever.
LISSA: You know, I’ve been dying to answer this question. I was hoping on Oprah, but hey, this is a start. My top 5 influential authors would be: Maeve Binchey, Ayn Rand, Anne McCaffery, a lesser-known Midwestern author that no one has yet heard of so I won’t bother with the name, and J.K. Rowling. Interestingly, all women. Every single one of them has had a major impact on my writing style. (And if you’re good, you can always tell which one I’ve been reading right before I write a snippet.) Top 5 heroes/influences on my life: Duckie (duh), my parents and sibs, my grad school advisor, my grandmother, and J.K. Rowling, whose life story is actually really inspiring. I don’t have many famous heroes.
KYLE: Grant Morrison. My friend e. The Beatles, especially John and Paul. My family. Jim Morrison. Timothy Leary. Captain James T. Kirk. Paul Simon. Whoever invented Zippo lighters. Indiana Jones. Jim Morrison. Fletch. Batman. Jack Smith. Michael Moore. Dylan Thomas. William Shakespeare. Harold Bloom. Milton’s Satan. John Constantine. Bentley Little. Woody Allen. Blondie. James Bond. John Carpenter. The staff of MRFH. Chris Knight (Real Genius!). Phil Jackson. Lester Bangs. Emma Peel. Raoul Vaneigem. Stephen Hawking. Doctor Who. Stargirl (I’ve met her!). Aleister Crowley. The Central Intelligence Agency. Noam Chomsky. Kurt Vonnegut. Robert Pinsky. All my professors. Melissa M. Kristin T. Amber E. Justin F. The Fro Board. Foucault. S.K. Epperson. Life and Limb. Myself. Hamlet. Jack Kerouac. Managra. Kermit the Frog. King Mob. Jesse Sanchez, Street Angel. Natalie, Chris (all four of them!), and Garrett. Jack Bauer. Bleu and Clover. Girls on skateboards. Girls on surfboards. The Sex Pistols. Carl Jung. Patrick McGoohan. The Prisoner. True love.
Edited By:
Kyle
Posted On:
9.30.04
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