MRFHline 4: Mutant Musings

Mutant Clare quizzes the MRFH staff with 20 simple questions...

1. What movie(s) coming out in the next 4 months are you most looking forward to seeing? Why?

Justin: Underworld, because the vampires in there look so refreshingly carefree, skipping over the water and singing of their love for roses that grow in the dark. Scary Movie 3, great trailer, plus my love for Charlie Sheen and Leslie Neilson in these comedy roles cannot be understated. Surprisingly, Timeline, as the trailer was intriguing even though I disliked the novel. And maybe that little flick, that sequel with those manly men, the one that really ties everything together -- yeah, The Whole Ten Yards.

PoolMan: I'm not looking forward to a lot, but man, I've got a hankering goin' on for Return of the King. Peter Jackson is the MAN for not only doing the Lord of the Rings trilogy so well, but so fast! No multiyear waits, just bang, bang, bang, three movies released within two years of one another. Amazing. Also, Kill Bill (volume 1) tweaks my curiosity in a good direction, and the director's cut of Alien is coming out this fall. Booyah!

Kyle: Big Fish, because everything else sounds stupid. I'll see a lot of it, mind you, but most of it won't be as fulfilling as this one has the potential to be.

Clare: I'm still trying to catch up on all the movies that came out over the summer that I still haven't been able to see... I'm looking forward to School of Rock because, as has been well documented here, I heart Jack Black. I'm looking forward to Intolerable Cruelty because I have never seen a Cohen Brothers film I didn't love. I want to see Highwaymen only because it's got Christian Bale AND Jim Caviezel in it and I want to financially support them doing anything they damn well please. I want to see Kill Bill very much. But if it's not as good as it should be I may riot in the streets. I REALLY want to see Mystic River because I love Sean Penn and it looks like a big, juicy, harrowing part for him. I'll go see Runaway Jury even though I tend not to like John Grisham movies. John Cusack's in it. So that's all the reason I need.

Rich: Right, lets get the obvious two out of the way first: Matrix: Revolutions and Return of the King. No movie geek in his or her right mind will not know that these films are due out in November and December this year respectively. As the concluding episodes of the two biggest movie franchises of the past 3 years (oh, come on, you know that's true), I will be joining the thronging masses to see how badly they can mess up the end to the Matrix, and see exactly what Peter Jackson changes in ROTK to send all the Tolkien fans into a slavering, rabid rage of hate and vengeance. It's going to be a wonderful sight to behold.

With that done, here are the outside choices: Underworld - by the time this article is done, this film will no doubt have been out already and I will have been to see it, reviewed it, and given it the horrible lashing it deserves...and yet, I find myself inexplicably drawn to see this film, despite my firm belief that it's going to blow. Is it the attraction of a film featuring Kate Beckinsale in tight black leather? You decide...

The School of Rock - mixed feelings on whether this is going to be any good or not won't stop me from going to see it in anticipation of some quality Jack Black-style comedy antics. However, I fear it could be a sore disappointment....

Kill Bill - A Taratino made samurai revenge film? Sign me up for this bad boy; though the decision to split it into two 90 minute movies rather than edit it down means it'll cost twice as much to see as every other film this year!

The Last Samurai - I love samurai movies almost as much as I like gangster movies (as soon as someone makes a samurai-gangster film, they've got one guaranteed viewer), and a samurai movie written by the screenwriter for Gladiator and starring Tom Cruise looks like it might be a top period action film.

Paycheck; a Philip K. Dick story directed by John Woo, where Ben Affleck finds out his memory has been tampered with, and tries to piece his life together. Don't know much about the film, but the short story it's based on is really good, so I'll go see it... and probably be really disappointed.

Alex: Okay, I'm going to have slightly different answers here on some because of the delay with some American movies coming to theatres near me, and the advantage of being able to see some independent films that won't see the darkness of American theatres until five years from now... here goes:

The number one film I am looking forward to is the third installation of the Lord of the Rings trilogy: Return of the King. I've been bitten by the bug; I'm even thinking of making a costume and going to join one of those irrationally alluring line parties to buy tickets. Well, maybe I'll just wear a costume for the premier. With "elf" ears (shh, don't tell anyone that I'm really a Vulcan!). Seriously though, the grandeur that has been witnessed in the last two movies has cemented my thralldom to Peter Jackson, and there's no way I can stop myself from drooling just thinking about the third. I just want more, is that so bad??

Then there's Finding Nemo which won't arrive in theatres here until December 5th!! Why can't more film companies take example from franchises like The Lord of the Rings, or The Matrix, and do a simultaneous worldwide release? Anyway, Nemo is supposed to be fun, and my serious disgust for all things Disney has faded some since seeing Spirited Away and Pirates of the Carribean.

It's worth mentioning that I'll be going to the Copenhagen premier of Reconstruction, a Danish film that did rather well at the Cannes film festival. I've heard lots of good things about the originality of the plot, which is something I respect enormously in a movie nowadays. If you happen across it within the next decade, go ahead and give reading subtitles a try.

Of course, the season won't be complete without seeing the last Matrix movie, Matrix Revolutions although I have the distinct feeling that I'm going to be disappointed. After enough pseudo-philosophy, even I'm yawning, not to mention shuddering at the prospect of further make-out filler between Neo and Trinity. Still, curiosity will be dragging me to a cushy theatre seat so that I may feast my eyeballs upon the latest wild effects.

Lastly I want to say that I'm really looking forward to seeing Underworld now, even more so due to the recent legal actions taken by WhiteWolf et al. If the movie does indeed bear so many likenesses to the World of Darkness, you can count me in with a good bit of coal eyeliner on to boot. Kate Bekinsale has been an actress to keep an eye on for a while, and I just hope this movie, if it flops, won't sink her career.

2. What movie(s) coming out in the next 4 months are you going to avoid like the plague? Why?

Alex: First and foremost on my No-no-noooooo-for-the-love-of-all-that-is-good-in-the-world List is American Wedding, which will unfortunately appear here sometime in early October. Why do I despise these movies? Hmm, well, why do you think I might despise the experience of all my Danish friends gawking with revulsion at the idiocy displayed before them and asking me repeatedly if that's really what the life of an American teenager is like? Is it funny at times? Yes, but not enough to warrant a total of three movies utilizing endless variations of the same repulsive jokes time and time again. Grow up and let's not see this movie, together.

Next, Disney flings forth one of the uglier of the nine or more Hydra heads it seems to possess with Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas. Guaranteed to be a surefire hit with the voice talents of Brad Pitt and Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas-Tom-Dick-and-Harry on board, as well as the doubtless feel good Disney plot, this one seems more likely to guaranteed to make me permanently nauseous. When will they quit plundering honest folktales and legends and twisting them into politically-correct, easily marketed, sugar-coated capsules containing absolutely nothing of any worth? I suppose I ought to stop asking questions to which I already know the inevitably disappointing answer. They won't get my buck, though, not that way at least.

I can't really make up my mind about The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, which will be showing here in the second week of October. If it's anywhere near as bad as Justin and Pooly make it out to be, it's almost certainly worth watching it in a theatre for the MST3k experience. At the same time, the MST3k experience isn't something you can always bank on in a big theatre, and so oftentimes I play it safe and wait to pan it in the comfort of my own home. Like as not, I'll shy away until I've become more decisive (read: until the dead rise from their graves and perform a hostile takeover of Disney).

As for upcoming American movies which may not jump the pond within four months: Given that I avoid Haley Joel Osmond like the plague since sitting through AI, I will probably treat Secondhand Lions with similar deference, despite Michael Caine being in it. Also I will be ducking Under the Tuscan Sun so as to spare myself the torture that comes with seeing yet another book I love turned into a crap movie that simply rips off the core idea and changes basically all else. While it could turn out to be a good surprise, á la Chocolat, I will wait for a little bit more feedback before I allow it to tempt me. The idea of Quentin Tarantino continuing to make films disturbs me almost as much as the fact that such movies are being revered by their very own cult audience, so Kill Bill will not be seeing any money from me anytime soon.

Rich: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - Ugh! Why, why, why does Hollywood insist on doing remakes of classic cinema? I don't get it! You can count The Italian Job in this category as well, for the same reasons; the originals of these two films do not need tampering with. Scary Movie 3 - Hated the first one. Avoided the second one like the proverbial plague. Now I am thoroughly in awe of the fact that enough people like this franchise to merit a third film. You people go watch it; I'll be over here in the corner, weeping for humanity. The Cat In The Hat - There's only one reason I'm not going to see this film - I've seen some publicity stills from it, and Mike Myers dressed as the Cat is more creepy than Tim Curry as Pennywise in 'IT'. Fuel for the stuff of my nightmares, I'm going to be spending the majority of the holidays pretending this film doesn't exist.

Clare: Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star looks like ass. I'm not convinced that The Cat in the Hat isn't going to be terrifying and nightmare inducing. But we shall see. I will probably go see The Matrix: Revolutions, but only because I feel obligated to at this point. I will avoid Paycheck because I have gone on a self-imposed Ben Affleck black out. Any affinity I may have had toward him for his involvement in Good Will Hunting has finally and officially run out. He, in a word, sucks.

Kyle: Intolerable Cruelty, because that movie trailer makes George Clooney seem like the doofiest doof ever, and makes the film look like the goofiest garbage since whatever Britney did last. I'm trying to get psyched for the cool movie I'm about to see, and I have to sit through this trailer? Thanks, Coen brothers!

PoolMan: I'm already busily avoiding Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star, or whatever it's called. David Spade dropped whatever charm he once had into Chris Farley's casket. And I'm just not seeing Brother Bear, for so many reasons. Mostly, I hate Disney's cash grab marketing: "Come see our last traditionally animated movie EVER!!!". Whatever. You'll come back to paint when you bomb your next 5 CGI releases trying to be Pixar and Dreamworks.

Justin: Most definitely I shall not be seeing Kill Bill. It isn't the Tarantino brand so much as his unwillingness to edit the film into just A film, and instead is giving us only half the movie. That puts me at danger of not only disliking a movie I've paid good money to see, but only getting to dislike HALF of the movie because I'd have to pay to dislike the other half. Eh. Wait for video.

3. Please explain, in poem form, your feelings about the Academy Awards. (Before you ask, yes, limericks will be allowed to count as a form of poetry for the purposes of this exercise.)

Justin:

(my haiku)
bloated egotists
wasting four hours with dreck
bring in Police Squad!

Alex:It might have been a proper sonnet, if time allowed for such luxuries. Instead I settled for Haiku:


Oscar; how fickle
Is merit not the measure?
I wonder not why.

Rich:

For you, I present my Academy Awards Haiku:
Little Golden Man
Yet utterly meaningless
It's all a big fix

Clare:

Despite my best efforts
I love you like a junkie loves his junk
Regardless of all logic
I think Oscar is a hunk
No matter how you dress her up
Joan Rivers is a punk (-assed beotch)
It would be great if you weren't so predictable
'Cause last year's ceremony stunk.

Kyle:

I didn't watch the last one
Well, maybe I tuned in
I was rooting for Chicago
I guess I'm glad it did win
Who knows what will be up
To win this current time around
But ask me to sit through the show
And I'll laugh and run off naked

PoolMan:

Catty people, tiny clothes,
Tasteless jokes and witless prose,
If these are things you can ignore,
Then watch the Academy Awards!

4. Name the one best and the one worst film you've seen in the past 4 months. Once you have those two films picked out, name 3 things they have in common.

PoolMan: Because I'm not able to strain my brain too hard in memory exercises, I'll say the best has been Fellowship of the Ring, and worst has been Crossroads. As for common points, yikes, here goes. Both are road trip movies where the main characters involved don't necessarily start liking one another and are pursued by forces more powerful than them (in LotR, it's the Ringwraiths, Balrog, and the Uruk'Hai. In Crossroads, it's Dan Aykroyd). Both involve characters dressed in shoddy clothing and shrieking in high-pitched screams (the Ringwraiths hunting the hobbits versus Britney Spears "singing" at the roadhouse for tips). At the end of both movies, you don't feel like anything's been accomplished (Fellowship being the first of a trilogy, Crossroads being a Britney movie).

Justin: Best, Invasion! Worst, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. 3 things: both have bearded leads, both dish out putrid dialogue (but only one does so on purpose), and both feature people coming back from the dead.

Alex: One of the best: X2. One of the worst: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. One of the coolest things in each are the costumes / clothes; in the case of HtLaGi10D, the only thing I reaped even the slightest bit of enjoyment from. Their premises are equally removed from reality Both feature stunted, flat love-scenes, in the case of HtLaGi10D this is the meat of the movie.

Rich: Best: Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl; Worst: League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Three things they have in common: Non-contemporary setting, Heroines who spout terribly cheesy one-liners, People swinging on things.

Clare: Best: Identity; Worst: Shanghai Knights. Both contain confusing plot points that seem to come out of nowhere. Identity because it was written that way. Shanghai Knights because it's a muddled pile of badly edited crap. Both contain non-traditionally handsome leading men whose performances were surprising. John Cusack because does some real dramatic acting and Owen Wilson because he somehow gets himself involved a naked pillow fight with Jackie Chan. Bad weather is a central theme in both films.

Kyle: Best - Freddy versus Jason. Worst - My Big Fat Greek Wedding. They both dealt with evil monsters, there were plenty of characters I was hoping would be killed horribly, and I winced quite a few times while I watched each.

5. Should the following franchises make any further sequels? (Disregard whether sequels are already in production. Go with your gut.)

X-Men
Kyle: Definitely there should be X-Men movies until they get around to filming the Grant Morrison stories.
Justin: Of course, make a hundred more!
PoolMan: The X-Men franchise is welcome to continue spawning sequels until they start doing stories about parallel universes and duplicate Jean Greys. The movies have been done so right, it's pretty frightening. Maintaining the cast is crucial, though, so if they ever lose any of the core actors (particularly Patrick Stewart or Hugh Jackman), they may as well stop. Hope you like typecasting, gentlemen!
Clare: Hell yes
Alex: Keep 'em comin'...
Rich: Yes, with a capital Y (like it's got there) - strong cast, big following amongst comic-lovers and non comic-lovers alike, loads of source material they can still use - this can run and run as far as I'm concerned.

Hulk
Justin: Hulk? HULK? Zzzzzz... um, no.
PoolMan: Makes no difference to me. I haven't seen the first one, I probably won't see the next one. As long as somebody enjoys it. But haven't we, as a society, had enough of pointing out Stan Lee's cameos in movies?
Clare: Hell no
Alex: Please No!
Rich: Please no. Big Green Angst was a big turn off for me - we don't need no more.

The Rugrats
Justin: What do I care? Keeps kids out of my theaters.
PoolMan: You know what? Why not? I've never seen the movie(s?), but I've peeked at the cartoon from time to time, and it seems harmless enough. There are usually a couple of throwaway jokes for the adults, and lots of toilet humor for the kids. More power to 'em.
Clare: I don't care
Alex: Why was this show made into movies in the first place?
Rich: Hate. Rugrats. Hate. Rugrats. Hate. Hate. Hate.

Charlie's Angels
Justin: Not unless they can bring back Bill Murray.
PoolMan: "Oh, please, please, Hollywood, stop making really funny movies about gorgeous women in tight clothes who kick butt! Your energies are better spent elsewhere, like producing documentary after documentary on the beef industry! Love, PoolMan." Yeah, RIGHT.
Clare: Um, yeah
Alex: Meh.
Rich: Not seen 'em, don't care to. People seem to enjoy them though.

The Fast and the Furious
Justin: No. I've seen too many teen boys absolutely fawn over these mediocre flicks, and it just saddens me.
PoolMan: NO. No more Fast and Furious movies. Never mind that it's going to get seriously embarrassing to watch these idiots try and work the word "three" into the title (probably in numeric form, too), I hate the very concept that these movies exist in the first place. Yay, let's all worship lawbreaking jackasses who illegally modify their cars into weapons and endanger the public! And we wonder why there's so many teenagers racking up high-speed kills. Sorry, can't be funny about this, these flicks shouldn't even exist.
Clare: Um, no!
Alex: One was more than enough.
Rich: Hahahahahahahahahaha! Yes, more unintentional comedy please! Rubbish, should die a horrible fiery death.

Spy Kids
Justin: Nope.
PoolMan: I still haven't seen a single one of these movies, but again, quality stuff for kids that adults can get a kick out of is in short supply. I hope they keep coming, and I'm sure they will, as long as Antonio Banderas needs the work!
Clare: This ship has sailed.
Alex: Only if they promise to stop sucking.
Rich: Again, not seem 'em due to my unending apathy for any film with teenagers as secret agents. Indifferent doesn't even begin to describe my opinion.

Terminator
Justin: Definitely. With OR without Arnie. I love this franchise!
PoolMan: I remember in me and Clare's Summer 2003 preview, we blasted T3 before its release, and once I'd seen T3, I turned around 180 degrees. There's obviously blood left in the stone. I say give it one more sequel, who cares if Ahnuld participates or not? Wrap up the story, and call it a day. It'll work.
Clare: I won't go see them, but sure, why not?
Alex: Arnie's finished, go be governor already.
Rich: One more please, and then stop. My desire to see John Connor on the run from a billion Hunter-Killer robots is high, but my fear or the Terminator turning into the next Nightmare on Elm Street series is greater. We need closure, we should get a 4th film, and then they should let it rest.

Legally Blonde
Justin: Only if she dyes her hair red. Mmm... redheads.
PoolMan: Only ever saw the first one, and I liked it a lot, but I never saw the need for the sequel. From what I hear, NOBODY sees the need for another one. Quit while you're ahead.
Clare: Not necessary
Alex: The next one is sure to be soley about the dog.
Rich: No. Really, no. In fact, if possible, I'd like to see some kind of anti-sequel which somehow erases the previous films from existence.

Jeepers Creepers
Justin: How did the second one get first place at the box office anyway?
PoolMan: Jeepers whatnow? I guess. If they really feel the need. Horror/slasher flicks are always going to get made. I just kind of wish the industry would lose the sequelitis and just do more original stuff.
Clare: They shouldn't have made the first one, much less a 2nd or 3rd one.
Alex: Must I say - Yuck?!
Rich: JC1 was half a good film. JC2 was only half as good as that. If they continue to make sequels, the universe will probably explode as the writers try to fit half as much goodness as the last film into the same amount of film each time, causing some kind of paradox.

Movies Based On Rides At Disney Land
Justin: Sure, I want a feature on the People Mover! And also, "It's A Small World... OF TERROR!"
PoolMan: I'm already dead opposed to The Haunted Mansion, don't make me even consider The Dumbo Ride Movie, or having to sit through the soundtrack of It's a Small World. Pirates of the Carribean was a lucky shot, best to cut your losses with just Eddie Murphy's next upcoming failure already in the can.
Clare: As long as they all feature Johnny Depp in eye-liner, I'm all for it.
Alex: Teacups! Yes!
Rich: I'm eagerly awaiting It's A Small World After All: The Movie.

6. In 100 words or less, please explain why John Cusack is the sexiest thing to ever walk on two legs.

Clare: I don't think I can do this in 100 words or less. So I'll just stick to the basics. He's hot like fire but never stupid movie star hunk about it. He seems to have more personal integrity than most famous people. He's got a really interesting mouth. He looks great soaking wet. He had the good sense to do The Grifters. He seems like he'd be fun to play cards with over beers. He's Irish. He's got staying power. He's athletic and strong, but not a jock. He's funny. He likes good music. He's got freckles on his back. There. That's exactly 100 words.

Kyle: John Cusack is not only sexy because he is a charming actor who has real screen presence, but also with my current longer hair people say I look like John Cusack, and that is the coolest thing ever. Because he is sexy, I am sexy, and vice versa.

PoolMan: John Cusack is the sexiest (ow) thing ever, and always will (argh) be, because if I say otherwise, Clare's gonna pull (ow) harder and break my arm. Phew. Heh, and dig that underarm hair! (YEARRGH!)

Justin: Why should I do your fantasizing for you, Clare? I mean, I've heard of lazy, but...

Alex: I think it's his hair that does it for me - he's got very swank hair. Even the guys have got to give it up for his perfect locks. It's the kind of hair that would run silky-smooth through your fingers as you admire him up close, unconscious and captive in your bedroom.

Rich:
One Hundred Words? I only need three: Grosse Point Blank.

7. Billy Bob Thornton: seriously crazy or merely "eccentric"? You decide.

Rich: He filed for divorce from Angelina Jolie. That pretty much qualifies him for the famous white sweater with the wraparound arms and buckle accessories in my book.

Justin: Hey, anyone who married Angelina would need both categories in huge heapings, don't you think?

Clare: Six of one, half dozen of the other. As long as he keeps doing interesting work and nobody gets hurt, I don't really care.

Kyle: Who cares, really? I say a bit of both, with an emphasis on eccentric. Sometimes, you let these people go and they just go nuts with the blood and body parts and tattoos, blah blah blah. California girls who live in trailer parks have similar problems.

PoolMan: Crazy, but privileged, and therefore untouchable. Similar to (but not as big as) Michael Jackson. When a person is crazy, they get locked away. When a person is crazy and famous, they're considered "edgy", and given multimillion dollar contracts. Mr "I Wore Angelina's Blood Around My Neck While We Were Married And Telling The Press What Position We Used Each And Every Night" is no exception.

Alex: As long as he doesn't procreate, I'm not unduly horrified with his presence on the planet. Wait, strike that, it's too late. Woe to the species.

8. How tired are you of hearing about Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck? Be specific and use lots of big words.

Alex: I am very simply agog with the concept of the simutaneous expulsion of both these vainglorious morons from Earth. If I have to endure that egregious Loreal shampoo commercial with Affleck in it once more, I'm going defenestrate myself. Their alogy is epic in proportion, and they deserve to be victim of the same extent of mental anguish they themselves have inflicted upon the rest of us.

PoolMan: Here's the thing on Bennifer: everyone SAYS they're tired of hearing about them, and everyone surfs onto Entertainment Tonight's web page on a daily basis to see their latest wedding seating plan. Honestly people, if you want them to go away, just STOP PAYING ATTENTION. I know it's hard, but if we work together, we can do it! As for the couple themselves, I hope Ben is enjoying his public emasculation. In that sense, I can't get enough of them... it's just too funny watching Mr. Macho Chin being led around like a poodle. Wait, maybe that's why I'm always surfing to ET...

Rich: Incontrovertibly. Without question, the asinine and unctuous blatherings of the parasitic journalistic community regarding the two most banal of performers and their uninspiring and extremely ordinary relationship contretemps and jubilations are of supreme indifference to me and the entirety of my peers. I am not one for vindictiveness, but I sincerely hope that the next misbegotten paparazzi who reintroduces their likenesses to the modern newsreels perishes most agonisingly from pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcaniconiosis. (Ps. Affleck was da domb in Phantoms, yo).

Justin:
I am downright narcoleptic with every citation of this dyad.

Clare: Indubitably, these two ostentatious, egocentric buffoons direly require a tremendous number of contretemps to befall them. Hopefully, and with all due haste, they will find themselves clamoring for public distinction by partaking in picayune criminal acts so as to align themselves more facilely with celebrities possessing commensurate levels of talent (or lack thereof).

Kyle: BEFORE BREAK-UP - Extraordinarily tired of never-ending BenLo gossip. AFTER BREAK-UP - Still extremely irritated by their mere existence, but happy that pain and suffering has set in.

9. Colin Farrell: The next Steve McQueen or the next Steve Guttenburg? You make the call.

Kyle:
Colin Farrell, you're my boy!

Alex:
Yum. Definitely the next Steve McQueen.

Justin: It depends if the Stonecutters get to him and decide to make him a star or not.

Rich: His quality performances in Phone Booth and Daredevil cause me to vote McQueen, though I doubt even he will climb that high.

PoolMan: Eh, I don't know about either. Closer to McQueen, but only because Guttenburg was never worshipped or taken seriously. Farrell's got acting chops, an eye for role selection (or a good agent), and a promising future doing more than just tricking GW Bailey into leather bars for the rest of his life.

Clare: Definitely closer to McQueen. Including the alcoholism, the womanizing, the chain smoking, the constant swearing and the disheveled personal appearance. And I for one am all for it.

10. Someone's got a gun to your head. You must decide. Naked Carrot Top or naked Michael Jackson. Suicide is not an option. GO!

Clare: Naked Carrot Top. Because a) I'd like the opportunity to finally laugh at something he pulls out and b) because naked Michael Jackson is too disturbing to even imagine.

PoolMan: "Naked Carrot Top or naked Michael Jackson" WHAT? Brrr... as long as it's just looking, I'll say Carrot Top, because at least he doesn't have rumors of monkeying with children following him around.

Alex: Michael Jackson - total blindness will ensue more quickly, and thereby ease my pain somewhat.

Kyle: Carrot Top, because I could be like "hey, he said it was part of his act and I already paid to get in."

Rich: I elect Naked Carrot Top. I only assume that unless it is a blind person holding the gun to my head, the sight of Naked Carrot Top out of the corner of his eye will cause him to automatically turn the gun on the screeching red-headed loon, ridding the world of his menace, sending the maniac gunman to jail, and I am hailed as a hero, once my years of mental therapy are completed.

Justin: Michael Jackson. I'm fairly sure he's impotent, and besides, Carrot Top would probably use his wang as some sort of horribly unfunny comedic prop.

11. Complete this sentence. Working at the MRFH is the coolest and most rewarding experience of my life because...

Justin: Long hours, no pay, and typos that haunt me for life builds CHARACTER, yes indeed! And puts hair on my chest!

Clare: To quote from The Wedding Singer: "I have a microphone, and you don't, so you will listen to every damn word I have to say!"

PoolMan: ...I love being part of such a cool group of people. Every single person I've ever worked with during my time at the MRFH has been interesting, talented, and funny, and each in his or her own way. In a lot of ways, the MRFH stopped being about movies the moment I stepped into Justin's apartment in Detroit, and it became all about doing something I love with a great group of friends.

Alex: ... it's so cathartic. I get to exercise my demons with the written word, which are in turn exorcised by our all-powerful and fearless leader (who stores and pickles them very nicely, I hear- great relish!).

Kyle: I get to do what I love, and I get to know that other people are reading it, versus the two people who used to read my self-published 'zine, "Pug Reviewers from Denver."

Rich: ... everyone else who works there has been far too polite to point out what a useless hack I am, allowing me to not only indulge my ego but continue to convince myself that I'm witty.

12. Using only words that begin with the letter "D", describe Poolman's beard.

Rich: Dudes - don't dare diss da deadliest, da daringest, da dopest 'droop' dis decade. (I made up the word 'droop' as a false substitute for 'beard', because it sounds 'street'. Of course, I'm a twenty-something white boy from suburbia, so it probably doesn't)

Kyle:
Dastardly, devious, and disheartening.

PoolMan:
Damn, dude! Dashing! Doesn't disturb! Definitely dapper.

Clare:
Dude, dat's damn dapper.

Alex: Decidedly dignified decoration declaring dastardly deeds destined. (It's dignified, but it's eeeeville).

Justin:
Dirk Diggleresque

13. Justin's gigantic breasts: nightmarishly horrifying or oddly arousing? Please explain.

Justin: My therapist says if I ignore all of you people, you'll eventually vanish from reality. So be prepared.

Rich: I'm not an American citizen, but I choose to plead the 5th amendment on this question. Actually, no... really, no.

Kyle: Nightmarishly horrifying, and the number one reason I'm throwing myself headlong into a hellish yet ultimately rewarding exercise regimen as we speak.

PoolMan: Let's just say that's a much easier question to answer if you've slept within a few feet of them. And I'll leave that horribly ambiguous answer as is.

Clare:
I'm going to say 52% horrifying, 47% arousing, 1% mystifying

Alex: Does jealousy count more as arousing or horrifying? His rack's bigger than mine!

14. If you really were (or actually are) a mutant, what kind of cool mutant abilities would you most want to (or do you currently) possess?

Alex: There are times when I unintentionally become completely invisible for long periods of time, but this doesn't last forever. I always will myself back into view. It'd be cool to able to read & influence people's minds, or be able to physically morph into other shapes at will, Odo-style.

Clare: Mind control. I'd only use it for good though. I promise. Now go make me a sandwich.

PoolMan: Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be Spider Man. No, not a mutant, but if I could be mutated for super strength and agility, coupled with wall climbing and web shooting, I'd be a happy, happy freak. And an even bigger nerd than I am now just for fantasizing about it.

Rich: I'd really like the ability to instantly replicate any item in my fridge; cutting down both on my grocery bill, and ensuring that I never run out of delicious frosty treats (and beer).

Justin: I think it's be really fascinating to be able to look at someone and know, not everything, but one secret weirdness about them. Everyone's so weird wherever you go, and I'd love to just be able to walk about peeking into their lives, as if I was living a huge novel where I the author can know details that no one else knows.

Kyle: I would want the power to access another dimension via my hands, and then I would put like millions of roses in that other dimensions and pretend to do magic tricks with my hands where a rose "magically" appears and I'd give them to girls. Yeah!

15. What movie haven't we reviewed yet that you think we really, really should get to?

Kyle:
Liquid Sky. It's in the mail.

Alex:
History of the World, Part I

Clare: The list is too long to write out in detail. As of late I've been pondering writing reviews for every movie John Cusack has ever appeared in since I realized a little while ago that I've seen every single last one of them.

Justin: In my "reviews" file, I have a To Review list that takes forever getting to, mostly because of all the new movies I see. Here are a few of my To Do's: American Werewolf In London, Naked Gun 2 and 3, the rest of the Police Academys, The Sixth Sense, Muppet Treasure Island, and The Care Bears Movie (1 and 2).

Rich: I'm shocked and amazed we haven't reviewed 'Interview With A Vampire' yet. Oh, anyone who said 'Brazil' when this question was mentioned is too predictable by half :P

PoolMan: Not Brazil, oh no. Definitely one to save for the tenth anniversary bash, maybe the twentieth.

16. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Extremely cool or extremely disconcerting? Please elaborate.

PoolMan: Neither. I'm not disconcerted by it, but I just don't see the point. A guy's going to decorate his place the way he wants, until he experiences a change in life that suddenly wakes him up to the notion that stacked pizza boxes do not count as furniture (coughKylecough).

Kyle: I guess it's extremely cool. I haven't watched it much, but my parents absolutely love it!

Alex: Eh? Is this some masochistic reality show I haven't heard of yet? I find such a concept disconcerting, most assuredly!

Clare: I love it. Love. It. Loveitloveitloveitloveit. Thom, Carson, Kyan, Jai and Ted are welcome over to my place for neon colored drinks and girl gossip any day of the week and twice on Sundays. But only if Kyan wears his leather pants.

Justin:
Don't know. Don't care.

Rich: Whuh? Without access to this... show? I can't possibly comment. Therefore, I rate it an entirely cromulent entertainmenty-thing.

17. What currently popular band, singer or "musical entertainer" makes you want to crawl back into bed and weep bitter tears of disgust and hopelessness for the future? (You can name more than one, but no more than ten.)

Rich: I don't want to run on for ages here, so I'll just name one: Good Charlotte make me want to find them, take them out for a nice meal, talk politely to them, invite them back to my apartment and viciously, viciously dismember them with axes while laughing manically.

Justin: Music is just that -- music -- to me. As with most non-movie celebs, I don't really care much to learn about the artists, so I let them slip past my radar. However, Creed's attitude has always annoyed me, and also Insane Clown Possee, which has to have the world's largest collection of mentally-challenged fans.

PoolMan: You know what? Name an American Idol winner. The fact that a star is "born" at the hands of votes of millions of brainwashed, preprogrammed teens who simply want more songs that end with a dramatic piano chord and the phrase "Ohohwhoawhuhwuhuhuwhawuhuhwuawhmmmyeah..." just sickens me. The original concept of "discovering" a talented artist and bringing them out of the common life into stardom sound nice enough, but if you're blind enough to believe that it's all done honestly and with no influence by the producers, well... I have trouble believing such a mind exists.

Alex: Celine Dion, J-Kid, Brittney Spears, N-Sync, Avril Lavine, Nick & Jay (Danish rap "artists"), Justin Timberlake, Every R & B group/artist who can't write their own music and instead add, themselves overtop a repeating track of sampled 80's music. Some techno "remixes" of 80's music are just as terrible! ...to name a few.

Kyle: Hmm, um, probably just any of those young "teenage" "punk" "girls" who put out stupid packaged musical garbage and call it good. I wish they'd all just go away! Except that Avril Lavigne. She's hot!

Clare: Good Charlotte, Dashboard Confessional, Linkin Park. I could do this all day, and bad music is just too annoying to dwell on. Needless to say, whenever these yay-hoos appear on my television or radio, I scramble over things in order to make them shut the hell up.

18. Please explain your feelings about the Harry Potter series using only British colloquialisms.

Clare: All other books aren't worth a toss compared to Harry Potter. Anybody who says different can just shut their gob and snog my bum.

Rich: Apples and Pairs, How's your father, wotcha mate, cheers, stiff upper lip old bean, tally ho, that's rather jolly, wouldn't you say what what, geezer, bloke, pints down the pub, footy, telly, loo, ponce; alright, but not as good as the books.

Kyle:
Hey, I've never read the books and I dinnae plan to, eh, mate?

PoolMan: Pip pip, what a capital series of books! Why, I can guarantee I have room in the boot of my car for all these books several times over! Also, rubbers."

Alex: I shan't dally by whinging continuously about how brassed off I am by the movies - suffice to say that I feel right bamboozled by those Warner Brothers twats who by my reckoning aren't exactly batting on a full wicket. It's not that the flicks are total bollocks, but I just don't understand what everyone is banging on about; they're all mouth and no trousers. With the books, though, you can bet your baffies I'm buying them up faster than a madhatter after crumpets. Call me antwacky, but I still like to read, even if it is bigged up childrens literature. Blimey!

Justin:
v.v. good, mate!

19. This is the last season of Friends. You are a) overjoyed to be getting rid of their stupid asses b) neither overjoyed nor saddened c) a complete wreck or d) confused. What's this Friends you speak of?

Justin:
A. A. A thousand times A!

Clare: e) mostly b, but a little bit a neither of which seems to stop me from tuning in every week.

Rich:
b) It's OK; it makes me laugh in places, but I'm not sad to see it go.

Kyle: b) Don't care, but I hope they replace Friends with something cool, like William Shatner singing songs with Avril Lavigne on the moon. Sure!

PoolMan: I choose B. I liked Friends for a long time for what it used to be: a light, goofy sitcom with a bunch of funny, largely unknown actors about hanging out, finding work, and getting la-, um, dates. Now it's a big soap opera with god-knows-how-many weddings and babies and Tom Selleck and oh my HEAVENS why won't it stop? I won't miss what it is now, but I miss the way it started out.

Alex: Definitely a). 'Nuf said. I'll still be avoiding their stupid syndicated asses for a while over here.

20. What celebrity would you actually want to vote in as the next governor of the great state of California? Why?

Alex: I'm thinking of Bruce Cambell here, done up in the role of the Surgeon General of Beverly Hills in Escape from L.A. - that'd be just too funny. Vote for The Chin!

PoolMan: I'm voting for Arnold. Let him have it. I actually choose to believe that there's something to his whole "I vant to giff beck to dis state vhat it gafe mee" story. Sure, he's infamously tied to the Kennedies, an admitted womanizer and drug taker, and is unfairly well known to the population of the ENTIRE WORLD as a killer cyborg. But that doesn't make him worse than anybody else. Does it? Besides, wouldn't you rather the state slogan be "I'll be back", instead of "Watchoo talkin' bout, Willis?"

Justin: Christopher Walken. Oh, c'mon! You KNOW that would be worth living, just to witness him in real power! "Don't make me tell you again... about the scooching."

Clare: I'll pick Rip Torn. Mostly because I think he's got such a great show business name and honestly, that's as good a reason as any to vote someone into office these days.

Rich: Arnold. Because if he becomes Governor he can then run for President some day, get elected, and then Demolition Man will have come true and my friend Pete will owe me £5 in a bet we made about 6 years ago.

Kyle: Pierce Brosnan, because from what I know of him personally (next to nothing) he seems like he would be the greatest governor in the history of the world.