Mr. Movietone: Go Fly a Jet

You know how sometimes you hear a song, and you think, “Hey, this song would go good with such-and-so of a movie situation!” Like, you hear “You Oughta Know” and think to yourself, “This would be well-suited to a creepy ex-girlfriend being creepy!” and then, ideally, change the channel.

You were just browsing stations, right? Tell me you weren’t listening to that crap deliberately.

Well, anyway, I movieficate songs almost compulsively; rare is the occasion that I can listen to a song and not imagine a scene to go with it. So, as a public service, and because I’m apparently expected to actually contribute something once in a while–yeah, I know, don’t get me started–I’m starting what I hope will become a regular article series, wherein I provide you, sexy reader, with a selection of songs geared toward a particular movie circumstance that you might encounter in real life. In this case, fierce dogfighting in advanced military aircraft. It could happen to any one of us, at any time.

Oh, and I realize the fact that all of my selections have already been used in movies kind of puts a damper on the whole “creating a situation to go with the song” thing, but whatever. The next article I have planned in this series is the same way. Just stick with me, though; I’m sure I’ll grow some originality eventually.

“Danger Zone” by Kenny Loggins

You can’t talk about jet-flying songs and not include this one. You really can’t.

No, seriously, it is not possible. As in, I actually tried it, and was rewarded with an angry buzzer noise and a big red “X” slapping down on my entire life. Needless to say, I capitulated. So it’s a good thing for me that it’s already such a great song in its own right, and compulsion via Universe Error isn’t really necessary for its inclusion.

I especially like its use of terminology for an aborted carrier landing as a sex metaphor. In my interpretation anyway. And possibly a very specific sex metaphor, to boot; but we’ll not delve into that any further.

The Top Gun soundtrack was one of the only cassettes I ever played to ruination, and “Danger Zone” features prominently in one of my fondest high school memories. I distinctly remember popping it in during a thunderstorm, and cruising home to its accompaniment in my ‘89 Plymouth Sundance, doing 60 mph on a highway where the speed limit was 55.

That’s right; I was exceeding the posted speed limit by a full 5 miles per hour, with quasi-hazardous road conditions and mildly limited visibility–get this–in a car with very poor front-end suspension.

Yeah, you would do well to watch your step around me.

Final Assessment: A classic, and a damn sight more pleasant than spending eternity in an endless expanse of white nothing.

“Mighty Wings” by Cheap Trick

Try as I may, I just can’t get that excited about this one. Guitars–check. Pumping tempo–got it. Devil-may-care, live-life-by-the-seat-of-your-pants lyrics incorporating words like “edge” and “fire”–yep. Ho hum.

Don’t get me wrong; it’s a fine tune. It’s just that there isn’t anything it does that “Danger Zone” doesn’t do better. I’m particularly fond of the opening riff, but it starts losing steam shortly thereafter.

Final Assessment: I’ve always though of it as “Danger Zone”’s mildly less attractive sister.

“Through the Fire” by Larry Greene

Problem: This sounds more like a training montage song than a jet-flyin’ song. Yes, they are both sub-genre’s of 80s AOR, and are similar in many respects, but not the same. “Through the Fire” is supposed to make me want to splash MiGs, and instead makes me want to get better at something in a hurry by kicking trees and pushing boulders through the snow, all while mysteriously not getting any less fat.

And do I hear it stealing riffs from “Danger Zone”? Bad form, Pan!!

Final Assessment: Again, an okay song, but not the best, and arguably not in the right genre.

“One Vision” by Queen

Okay, this one, while a fine song when taken on its own merits, is probably the least jet-flyin’ of all of these. I only included it because it’s featured prominently in Iron Eagle, and is remarkable in the arena of jet music lore–primarily, perhaps exclusively–for the implausible character flip-flop it accompanies.

A running conflict in the relevant film is that Chappy is all the time like, “I’m old, and black, and comically terse, and I don’t like Doug’s music.” And then Doug pops in “One Vision”, which is exactly like everything else he’s played up to that point, and all of the sudden its, “Hey! I like this because it’s never explained why!”

On a related note: Is it just me, or does Freddy Mercury have, like, 700 teeth? I’m not sure which concerns me more–quantity, size, or horribleness–but they’re all I can look at.

Final Assessment: It’s hard not to like a song that has “gimme fried chicken” as a closing lyric, but still, it doesn’t really belong in this neighborhood.

“Iron Eagle” by King Kobra

No points for guessing which movie this one goes with.

And on that note, it’s probably a telling relfection of the films’ respective popularity and quality that every song in Top Gun has a Top Gun relevant music video accompanying it, whereas Iron Eagle’s selections thus far have featured Queen and no jets, and in this case, footage from an old anime series starring an emo-coifed nancy flying the second or third least-cool jet ever invented.

Ah, who am I kidding? I’ll probably buy it eventually (the anime, not the jet).

As for the song itself, it suffers from “Through the Fire” syndrome, in that it seems better suited to mastering a martial art in three minutes, and on top of that it’s just way too happy, especially during the chorus.

Oh, and the lyric “I never learned the meaning of what meant stop” makes my inner grammar nazi hiss like a vampire.

Final Assessment: Bleah.

“Chasin’ the Angels” by Mike Reno/Brother Firetribe

Well, who could’ve seen this coming? After two whiffs, Top Gun’s weird cousin suddenly knocks one out of the park!

Okay, here’s a treasonous statement for you: I actually feel that “Chasin’ the Angels” is better than “Danger Zone”. Wait, there’s more! I also prefer the Brother Firetribe version, for its harder guitars, addition of comm chatter at the start, and overall increased beefiness. Me! The guy who hates covers on principle! Wild!

Final Assessment: This song pulls hard Gs of rock.