Lissa does Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

“I like Ike.”

The Scoop: 2008 PG-13, directed by Steven Spielberg, starring: Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett, Shia LaBeouf

Tagline: No tagline

Summary Capsule: With the Cold War in full swing, Indiana Jones fends off the Russians and runs into old an old flame while searching South America for the mysterious Crystal Skull of Akator.

Lissa’s Rating: I can fence, too, but I doubt I could do it on the back of a moving car.

Lissa’s Review: “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”

At seven o’clock, Ducklet was just finishing watching Empire Strikes Back, his new favorite movie of all time. At ten o’clock, Duckie and I were watching Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. That’s right — in three hours, Harrison Ford aged thirty years and he was still spouting the same line.

Fortunately, we were amused.

I’ve been avoiding reading the other Mutant’s reviews on the latest (and hopefully last) installment of the Indiana Jones franchise, just because this is one of those movies where I was going to see it no matter what, and reading a lot of negative reviews beforehand would make me very cynical and almost certainly not enjoy it. Because, see, Indiana Jones is not about thinking for me. It’s brain candy, and all I expect from my Indiana Jones movies is to have fun watching it. I mean, come on. The favorite villains in the first few were Nazis. When you want someone to be indisputably evil with no shades of gray whatsoever, who do you draw on? Nazis. It’s why Godwin’s Law exists, y’know.

Despite the fact I knew I would see — good Lord, is there a shorter version of this freaking title? Let’s call it Skulls – despite the fact I knew I would see Skulls, I elected not to see it in the movie theater. I get out to the theaters rarely, and I prefer to spend my money either on a.) films that I know Duckie won’t see with me, or b.) films that I know won’t suck. It’s best if a movie combines both, but hey — we all know how often that happens. And Skulls didn’t fit either criteria.

It didn’t suck nearly as bad as I was fearing. In fact, there were parts of it I really enjoyed, and like I said before, that’s all I need in an Indy movie. The setup was just as simplistic as any of the others: weird crystal skull needs to be either replaced/put in a museum/rescued from the hands of the Russians, whatever the movie calls for at the moment. Coming along for the ride are Indy’s ex Marion and her son Mutt, which, DUH. Anyone with half a brain can figure THAT one out. (Which says a lot about Mutt and Indy that it takes them over half the movie.) That’s pretty much the whole plot summation of the movie, or at least as much as I’m going to give you.

There are some great lines and some great action, the latter as pleasantly unbelievable as the action usually is in Indy movies. Okay, at times it totally stretches into the absurd, but at least it’s really pretty. I’ve got to give Ford a lot of credit for the shape he’s in (and I mean that in a completely non-sarcastic, wow-he’s-still-awfully-hot sort of way), and the kid subplot was nowhere near as annoying as it could have been. I liked the way they just rolled with it. Indy is still Indy, and Marion was always my absolute favorite of his love interests. And it was kind of nice that the villain was played by a very attractive woman and he didn’t sleep with her. (Of course, she was a crazy dominatrix type, but that’s never stopped a man in Hollywood.) The way they explained the non-presence of Indy’s dad and Marcus was classy, perfectly done, and seamless.

My main criticism is that the movie was too easy. The thing I always liked about Indy was that, even though he was an action hero, there were always puzzles in his way. True, they might not have been the most profound or anything, but there was a reason to make this whip-swinging, Fedora-wearing adventurer a college professor. (Oh, also? The tenure joke CRACKED ME UP.) And given that our adventurer IS getting older, a few more puzzles wouldn’t have hurt, y’know? I’m not talking Mensa level or anything — just the equivalent to what used to be in the movies. Cunning traps. Snares that could be avoided by understanding the culture. Anything more complicated than holding up an artifact and winning the day just by raising your arms over your head.

Either way, the Indy movies are an era unto themselves, and it was pretty cool to get a last installment. Or hopefully a last installment, anyway. Sometimes it’s a good thing to let something end, and I think we’re at that point now. And no, George, Mutt Jones just does not have the same sort of ring.

Now give back the Fedora.

Want a second opinion? Check out Al, Kyle and Justin’s reviews here.

No one pulls off the manpurse like Indiana Jones pulls off the manpurse.

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• Drag racing the military? Those crazy kids…
• “Russians.” You can almost hear the “I hate these guys…”
• Indy tracking the warehouse crate MacGuyver-style?
• Howdy Doody on TV?
• Fake towns never get any less creepy, do they?
• Indy is still telling his students to read Michaelson twenty years later?
• Little Shia LaBeouf in the black and white picture?
• The stage business with Mutt, Indy, and the beer?
• Indy giving Mutt the Henry Jones, Sr. ‘This isn’t funny.’ look during the car chase?
• The Marcus Brody statue says he was dean of students from 1939 to 1944?
• Indy spitting at the name of Victoriano Huerta?
• Mutt’s not-so-subtle mention of being great at fencing?
• The reverse blowdart?
• Shia LeBouf getting attacked by scorpions? I’m alright with that.
• Saucer Men from Mars?
• So, you’ve found the Ark of the Covenant, been paralyzed by a voodoo doll, and drank from the Holy Grail. But aliens and psychics? Bah! A bedtime story!
• Okay, the Tarzan bit is a little much.
• Quicksand vs Dry Sand?
• The S-bomb! Is that a first for an Indy movie?
• Why are there two parallel paths through the jungle, anyway?
• How many times can you bust a guy’s nose in 48 hours?
• So the skull can find your car keys *and* keep away insects? Neat.
• OMG Mutt’s gonna be the new Ind–syke!
• My wife was absurdly pleased with the amount of “fluffies” present in this movie, including some comical prarie dogs and attack monkeys
• Indy seems to lose his hat quite a bit
• “Janitor” from Scrubs as one of the FBI interrogators
• The ending is a gallon of “Huh?”
• It’s the Ark of the Covenant! Still melting faces, Ark?
• Man-eating ants! Now, I’m happy.

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

Just for the Raiders March in Dolby Digital surround sound.

Intermission!

Sean Connery was approached for a cameo appearance as Henry Jones Sr., Indiana’s father, but he turned it down, finding retirement too enjoyable. George Lucas later stated that in retrospect it was good that Jones Sr. did not appear, as it would disappoint the audience when he would not come along for the adventure. Harrison Ford also joked that he was getting old enough to play his own father, so Sean wasn’t needed anymore.

This is the first Indiana Jones film without actor Pat Roach, who had a role in all the first three films. Roach died in 2004.

To reprise his role as the legendary explorer Indiana Jones, the 64-year-old Harrison Ford spent three hours a day at the gym, and subsisted on a high-protein diet of fish and vegetables, thus building his body into a condition where he could perform his own stunts (he always kept himself fit anyway, as he hoped to complete all the five Indiana Jones films that were originally planned in the 1980s). Steven Spielberg later stated he was so impressed with Ford’s form that he could not tell the difference between the shoots for the third and fourth films.

Groovy Quotes

Mac: Well, this isn’t going to be easy.
Indy: Not as easy as it used to be.

Spalko: No defiant last words, Doctor Jones?
Indy: I like Ike.

Indy: What’s your mom’s name, again?
Mutt: Mary. Mary Williams. You remember her?
Indy: There were a lot of Marys, kid.
Mutt: That’s my mother you’re talking about!

Mutt: She said if anyone could find the skull, it was you. You’re like some kind of graverobber or something.
Indy: I’m a tenured professor of archeology.
Mutt: Oh, you’re a teacher? Well, that’s gonna be a big help.

Mutt: You know, for an old man, you ain’t bad in a fight.
Indy: Thanks a lot.
Mutt: What are you? Like, eighty?

Mutt: You’re a… teacher?
Indy: Part time.

Marion: Are you still leaving a trail of human wreckage, or have you retired?
Indy: Why, you looking for a date?

Indy: I think we both knew that it wasn’t going to work!
Marion: You didn’t know that! Why didn’t you ever talk to me about it?
Indy: Because we never had an argument I won!

Marion: I’m sure I wasn’t the only one to go on with my life. There must have been plenty of women for you over the years.
Indy: Yeah, there were a few. But they all had the same problem.
Marion: Yeah? What’s that?
Indy: They weren’t you, honey.

Mutt: What’s he gonna do now?
Marion: I don’t think he plans that far ahead.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Raiders of the Lost Ark

• National Treasure
• The Librarian: Quest for the Spear