Kyle does Transformers Revenge of the Fallen

“My father was a wheel! The first wheel! And do you know what he transformed into? Nothing! But he did it with honor!”

The Scoop: 2009 PG-13, directed by Michael Bay and starring Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, and Megan Fox’s breasts in slow motion

Tagline: Revenge is coming. 

Summary Capsule: Special effects gurus secure themselves an Oscar nomination by hiding Megan Fox’s tattoos for 2 1/2 hours. Also, giant transforming robots.

Kyle’s Rating: Now I understand how people felt about POTC: Dead Man’s Chest

Kyle’s Review: There are certainly limits to how much slack one give a film. Nowadays, some will pass judgment based on the theatrical trailer alone, which I tend to think is much too overzealous, though I would be lying if I said I have any hope at all for August’s G.I. Joe film adaptation based on the ridiculous-looking previews I have had to sit through. Casting and direction can make or break a film in the eyes of many; I can surely count with only one hand the number of close trusted friends whose eyes don’t narrow almost imperceptibly every time I admit to liking Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox. Hell, I like the first Transformers! Combine that with my strange and admittedly unique aesthetic tastes (see: my recent Twilight review), and I was one of the few people over the age of 12 in southern California who looked forward to Transformers Revenge of the Fallen. If only as a loud and boisterous summer blockbuster.

I recall it taking about ten minutes for me to surrender to a sense of utter dissatisfaction, alleviated only by the huge box of popcorn Angela had me balance on my lap throughout the entire runtime. At one point about one hour in, when Erin shifted in her seat I was about to lean over and whisper “I’ll leave with you and wait for them in the parking lot if you like” until it was clear she was only getting comfortable. Sadly, when I relayed my feelings to her later, she was like “Wait, I would have left then, too!”

Yes, T:ROTF is completely awful. I was never engaged with the film in the slightest, none of the actors who were at best charming and at worst interesting in the first film had any freedom to do anything, and I HATED anything that popped up for the first time (idiotic college roommate, I’m looking at you). My only self-amusement came early on, when as has been commented on across so many blogs, it really did seem as though the Autobots were hunting down Decepticons largely minding their own business and brutally murdering them. Michael Bay would surely say that was some sort of commentary. On what, I wonder?

I’m not sure if it was irrepressible shallowness or boredom with the proceedings that made me wish the ‘surprise’ ‘hidden’ Decepticon (whose inclusion, illogic and impossibility of aside, at least raised my interest a bit, though not intellectually . . .) was the main villain of the entire film. Or even the hero! But when minor details are more enthralling than anything related to the main event, it is surely a sign of diminishing returns on the filmmakers’ parts and a polite request for a refund on yours.

The massive box office take thus far would seem to imply the third (and any future? No!) film in the series will be more of the same. I would implore to anyone involved to examine the fact that even the most strident defender of this film’s entertainment value is at a loss to disentangle most of the action scenes involving more than two robots. Anticlimactic forest battle included. More is not more here, it’s actually less when you can’t tell one fast-moving robot from another. I’m disinclined to bother commenting on the racial element of the Autobot twins when the movie itself (apparently) has the evil Decepticons who combine into the big sand-sucking thing crawling around the pyramid simultaneously fighting soldiers in the desert ruins. Summer blockbuster disregard for time and space, or a sign of not really caring when the opening weekend b.o. number promises to be HUGE?

If they, specifically YOU, Michael Bay, don’t care, why should I?

Didja Notice?

• The college scenes were shot at the University of Pennsylvania (meh) and Princeton University (woo!). Oddly, I didn’t recognize any of the architecture from Princeton. If I ever decide to see the movie again, I’ll have to look for it.
• Aaron the long-suffering presidential bodyguard from24 is the general. Has Glenn Morshower ever played a civilian?
• There’s something profoundly wrong about an Autobot ice cream truck with a decal reading “Decepticons, suck my popsicle.”
• For the second movie running, they don’t explain why the Allspark only creates evil robots.
• Spike’s pretty grateful to Bumblebee for saving his, Sparkplug’s and Judy’s lives. “Get in the garage!”
• Remember kids, that’s S-T-A-T-E F-A-R-M. Be sure to tell mommy and daddy!
• I always wondered whether Spike’s mom heard him losing his virginity. Good to finally have that answered.
• College has changed in the last seven years. Back then girls didn’t start dancing on tables until the end of the night, and it wasn’t the attractive ones.
• It is pretty hilarious that Megatron boasts to Starscream, “Even in death, there is no command but mine”… and then literally ten seconds later, calls the Fallen “my master.”
• Bad Boys II, Michael Bay? If you have to endlessly reference your own movies, keep it to the better ones, huh? Ain’t nothing wrong with Bad Boys I.
• If it’s so important that Spike be kept alive, you’d think the Decepticons might be a bit more careful than, you know, dropping him from several stories up. On purpose.
• PRIIIIIIIIIME!!!
• I’m sorry, I’m sorry… the government just supposedly covered up the events of the last movie from the general public? I guess as far as all-out assaults on L.A. in front of thousands of witnesses go, it was pretty discreet.
• The Autobot base is in New Jersey? Hell yeah.
• Bumblebee’s got a real fondness for Tom Hanks.
• Yeah, it’s probably pretty easy to drive a Camaro through the desert.
• No car chase is complete unless a fruit stand gets destroyed. I think it’s union regulations or something.
• Is it even possible for anyone born after 1978 to see a neon green dump truck and not immediately think “Devastator”?
• Arise, Rodimus Optimus Prime!

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

There are two scenes, both of them at the beginning of the credits. Mikaela kisses Spike and rides off on a motorcycle, and Spike gets welcomed back to his Astronomy class.

Intermission!

Jetfire (called “Skyfire” on the cartoon) was a former friend of Starscream’s when they were both scientists. Crash landing on Earth before Cybertron’s civil war started, he was discovered thousands of years later and revived. Starscream initially recruited him to the Decepticons, but Jet/Skyfire rejected their violent ways and joined the Autobots instead. The idea of him combining with Optimus Prime to make the latter more powerful stems from recent cartoon series Transformers Armada, as well as from the comics, where Prime died but came back later with advanced armor as “Powermaster Optimus Prime.”  Additionally, Jetfire’s teleportation ability may have been borrowed from one of Starscream’s old cronies, Skywarp. In this film, Megatron still transforms into a Cybertronian jet but also displays a tank form, a nod to the original toy line. Initially Megatron changed into a very realistic-looking Walther P38 handgun. However, after toy laws became more stringent in the late 80’s, lifelike toy guns could no longer be sold. Thus, when the Transformers toy line was revived in 1993, he was re-envisioned as an M1 Abrams tank. (The comic storyline accompanying this explained that Megatron’s original body was destroyed and, in a Transformers/G.I. Joe crossover, Cobra found his remains and constructed a new body for him.) In the original cartoon, Soundwave (whose face the Decepticon logo is based on) transformed into a cassette player, and Ravage was one of his tapes that transformed into a jaguar. For the movie, Soundwave was reimagined as an orbiting satellite, but in a nod to his original form, he still fires Ravage out of his chest. The cartoon version of Arcee was a female Autobot, introduced in the animated movie and featured prominently in the third season. In the comic continuity, Optimus Prime had her created on Earth as an attempt to appease angry feminists accusing the all-male Transformers of sexism. (The protestors ultimately viewed Arcee as a token gesture and remained upset anyway, but the story’s worth it just to hear Jazz describe the difference between genders as “it appears to be something to do with the upper chassis design…”) For RotF, Arcee was reimagined as a trio of motorcycles/robots who share a 3-in-1 hive mind. The Fallen’s origins lie with a comic miniseries from 2003 that told stories set in the Transformers’ past on Cybertron. He was one of the original thirteen Transformers, but rebelled against his creator Primus to ally with Primus’ enemy Unicron.

Groovy Quotes

Epps [about Optimus Prime]: You gotta wonder – if God made us in His image, who made him?

Galloway: Soldier, you’re paid to shoot, not talk.
Epps: Don’t tempt me.

Bumblebee: Houston, we have a problem.

Wheelie [about Mikaela]: You’re hot, but you ain’t too bright.

Megatron: Is the future of our race not worth a single human life? Optimus Prime: You’ll never stop at one.

Spike: Can you read this?
Skids: Read? Unh-uh.
Mudflap: We don’t… we don’t really do much reading.

Simmons: What you’re about to see is top secret. Do NOT tell my mother.

Jetfire: My father was a wheel! The first wheel! And do you know what he transformed into? Nothing! But he did it with honor! Starscream: Not to call you a coward, master… but, sometimes, cowards do survive.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Transformers
• The Transformers: The Movie
• Armageddon