Kyle does G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

“Make the call.”

The Scoop: 2009 PG-13, directed by Stephen Sommers and starring Christopher Eccleston, Channing Tatum and Sienna Miller

Tagline: When All Else Fails, They Don’t

Summary Capsule: G.I. Joe gets the boot… a reboot, with Destro trying to eat all the metal in the world and Duke joining the Joes for the first time (wait, isn’t he supposed to be the leader?).

Kyle’s Rating: If I hadn’t walked out of the theater at 1 a.m. I would have ran right to the store for some G.I. Joe action figures!

Kyle’s Review: I’m pretty sure your enjoyment of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra will be heavily predicated upon your personal history of play with the iconic G.I. Joe line of toys. If your immediate response to that is “I never played with them!” feel free to ignore both this review and the film itself; it’s not so much you don’t deserve to enjoy either as it is I can’t imagine there being much entertainment there for you. I personally had fun with the film, though I never intend to see it again. But I don’t see why a weak action film in the vein of The Mummy and Van Helsing would hold any interest for you if you never cared enough to at least buy a Snake Eyes figure that came with Timber.

While I respect Justin’s opinion, I don’t necessarily agree with his analysis of certain pop culture legacies being defined primarily by their cinematic incarnations. If anything, more and more people are aware of the fact that the movie versions tend to be total bastardizations of the source material, and are willing to take advantage of sales and cheap prices on DVDs and reissued/re-imagined toys to see just what all the fuss was about in the first place with things like Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and now GI Joe. The crappy movie adaptations are gateway drugs to the original material, not definitive capstones.

Regarding the film, though: you could have thrown darts at random choose-your-own-adventure plot twists pinned to a wall and arranged your hits in any order to come up with a more intriguing story than what ROC here gives us. Stephen Sommers has proven time and time again he can start up a story that dutifully follows an action-packed straight line from beginning to end credits, but has never displayed any sort of playful deviation or nuance that would render such a work memorable. You can follow who is who, dialogue and actions make it painfully obvious who is good and who is bad, and any potential subtext gets utterly drowned in pyrotechnics and declarative dialogue. This is not a subtle film in the slightest, nor does it require much in the way of brain processing. For being a film that is supposed to kick off a film series, supposed to leave us at the end wondering just what the nascent Cobra organization is planning to achieve next, I’m not sure many theatergoers are leaving showings looking forward to a sequel. Or even the DVD release of this one, for that matter.

Not to be anti-American, but when I was playing with my GI Joes, some funny things tended to happen. Namely, the forces of Cobra won more often than not. The world was never enslaved, and all prisoners were freed and reclaimed, but Cobra usually fulfilled their objectives despite Joe resistance. That is, they managed to procure the big missiles, destroy the Joe’s base of operations, and secure the downstairs leather couch as their domain. My Joes were battle-savvy and determined, but Cobra was just way more wild with their strategy and willing to risk everything to ever be completely defeated. Plus, hooded Cobra Commander, the Baroness, and Destro were clearly the biggest brains on the playing field; no Joe other than Snake Eyes could hope to compete with their far-reaching plans, and even Snake Eyes’ lightning wit pertained more to wits in hand-to-hand combat than grand strategies.

No film version, especially in these times, is going to be so cavalier and allow Cobra to maintain the upper hand for the majority of the running time. I suppose there is a touch of wish fulfillment in seeing G.I. Joe as a global strikeforce with a massive technological marvel of a home base, indicating a world where at least the best of the best are able to work across borders and stereotypes to strive for a better world. But again, Sommers is not the director who can infuse a film with the silver lining of such an implication, nor is he adept enough to balance or overshadow such an idea with the looming world-dominating threat Cobra can and should present. It would be an interesting film where Cobra is constantly on the verge of either taking over the world or destroying it, and GI Joe is the only thing just barely keeping them in check. But this one is not that in the slightest, and I can’t imagine us getting a (at least live-action) such film anytime soon. Our only hope: a new animated series or direct-to-DVD extravaganza! Here’s hoping!

Didja Notice?

• To “weaponize” a nanite warhead means to shoot it with lasers until it becomes glowy.  It’s pretty much like throwing a burrito into a microwave.
• What can a huge fat Bhudda guy teach anybody about being a ninja?  Apparently not much, since he gets stabbed by a six-year-old.
• If your team gets arrested by the French police, then you might as well disband as a unit.  There’s no going back after that point.
• This movie needs to cut ALL of its flashbacks, thankyouverymuch.
• Am I the only one who thought the advanced COBRA guns shot like the Stormtroopers’ blasters set on stun from A New Hope?  Am I that geeky?
• Brendan Fraser!
• Guess Cover Girl wasn’t slated for the sequel…

Groovy Quotes

General Hawk: Technically, we don’t exist. We answer to no one. And when all else fails, we don’t.

Duke: Ok, that was crazy… What happened to you?
Ripcord: I went through the train. What happened to you?
Duke: I jumped over it.
Ripcord: [pause] You can do that?

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• G.I. Joe: The Movie
• G.I. Joe PSAs
• Transformers