Kaleb does Transformers (2007)

“It’s you and me, Megatron.”

The Scoop: 2007 PG-13, directed by Michael Bay, and starring Shia Labeouf, Megan Fox and Peter Cullen.

Tagline: Their war. Our world.

Summary Capsule: Hey, isn’t that really similar to the tagline of Dragon Wars? Uh-oh…

Kaleb’s Rating: Take it, take another little piece o’ my heart now baby…

Kaleb’s Review: Before we get underway, I’d like to paint you a picture of my little review-making space (trust me, it’s relevant). Immediately to the right of my computer is a bookcase. On top of this bookcase is a 20th Anniversary Optimus Prime figure (sometimes referred to as Masterpiece Prime, although that technically refers to a slightly different SHUT UP KALEB!!!) with trailer, thank you very much, that amounts to roughly $150 worth of toy. It completely obscures my graduation photo, and has been mentally catalogued as the only thing I have to save in the event of a house fire. Sometimes, I’ll just sit here and look at it and sigh. Other times, I’ll just sit here and look at it and have Stan Bush’s “The Touch” playing in the background and sigh.

Add to that the fact that there are approximately 100 other Transformers figures within sight of my computer, and easily that many in storage, and you can kind of see the point I’m trying to convey, right? No, not that I’ve officially been upgraded from Harmlessly Pathetic to Menacingly Creepy! You guys are silly!

Minions of evil, beware the awesome might of Lippimus Prime!

What I’m trying to get across is this: Michael Bay did not make a film so much as he rewrote the scripture of my lesser religion (Menacingly Creepy–>FBI Watch List). And yes, I’m one of those nerds, and yes, I’m being childish and unreasonable, and no, I’m not going to stop. Granted, Bay should be given some leniency in light of the fact that he was taking on what may have been an insurmountable task, but on the other hand, I think he also could’ve failed a trifle less spectacularly.

Allow me to further elaborate with a quaint and delightful metaphor illustrating the difference between Bay-type directors and the other kind (”good” I like to call them): Imagine that beloved dork franchises are represented by ancient magical tomes, and that would-be directors are young adepts having been found worthy of receiving them. Good directors — and I’m going to cast nerd-darling Bryan Singer in this role — respect the power of the tome, listen intently to the old wizard (this would be established canon, I guess) regarding its use, and are ever-mindful of the thatch-roof village of fan-peasants they have been charged with protecting.

Michael Bay would yank the tome out of the old wizard’s hands, throw up a silencing hand to quell his natterings about responsibility, yell out “Look what I can do!” and promptly drop a meteor on the fan village. He would then rearrange the runic obelisks keeping the world-ending demon asleep according to his liking, and declare that the castle would look much better if it were all gangly and stupid.

Now here comes the last-minute twist that has become something of a hallmark of my reviews (and probably looks like wishy-washiness to the untrained eye): All of the dorkous bellyaching you’ve read up to this point, although written within the last couple of days, exists largely in the context of my initial reaction to the film back in 2007 (you know, back when it was actually relevant review material and hadn’t already been covered by three other reviewers). Since then, my disposition has softened considerably. Don’t get me wrong; I still have qualms-a-plenty, but I find that if I stuff a sock in the mouth of my inner picky nerd, I’m able to enjoy Transformers for the big, dumb, loud movie that it is.

And, unsurprisingly, and in spite of my best efforts to keep the hate fires burning in regards to Transformers ala Bay, I too let out a squee when I saw the titanic new Decepticon in the Revenge of the Fallen trailer. That has to be Devastator. And at this point, I don’t even care that it’s probably a horribly-wrongly-done Devastator; I’m stoked.

In light of the metaphorical mood I seem to be in, allow me to sum up my feelings regarding Transformers, and my probably-feelings regarding Revenge of the Fallen and any further sequels, with the following:

My cousin owns a couple of Dachshunds, which I got to play with on a recent visit (Dachshunds are awesome!). However, Sassy, the little female, didn’t seem too keen on my existence. Nonetheless, she would reluctantly waddle over whenever I beckoned; glaring balefully and growling low, but unable to resist the siren’s call of the scritchy-hand. So, we worked out a compromise; she would let me rub her tummy, but only on the condition that she be allowed to growl the entire time.

In the preceding, I am a tiny female Dachshund, Michael Bay is me, and the tummy-rub is anything having to do with Transformers. Come May, I will go see Revenge of the Fallen if for no other reason than that I can’t-not, I will grouse and stomp about everything done wrong, and I will impatiently wonder when the third movie is going to be released.

Didja Notice?

• Ha ha! Bumblebee peed on that guy!

• Uh-oh! Ratchet walked into a power line and it went “zzzap!”
• The best part about slapstick is how funny it is!

Is it worth staying through the end credits?

Yep.

Soundtrack Review

The vocal stuff I can take or leave, but I actually thought the score was outstanding.

Intermission!

Okay, time for a nerd-out: A recurring theme in the Transformers universe is that any time Prime and Megatron squared-off one-on-one, the latter could only gain the upper hand by way of trickery, as opposed to here, where Megatron gains the upper hand by apparently just being a lot stronger, and Prime has to rely on some last-second Deus ex Labeouf. Ugh. I was and am not a happy camper about how the final battle goes down.

Another point of contention is the way that Prime reacts to Jazz’s death. Seemed a tad noncommital. Kind of like, “Well, he sure is dead. So, who’s hungry?” Better yet: “We can all learn an important lesson from our comrade’s sacrifice: Even when he’s silver, the black guy still gets it.” (all laugh; fade to outro)

Fortunately my sister was on hand to allay my grumpiness by asking if I would’ve preferred a Vader-style “Nooooooo!” She’s very wise, that one.

Groovy Quotes

Ironhide: You feelin’ lucky, punk?

Megatron: Is it fear or courage that compels you, fleshling?

Prime: It’s you and me, Megatron!
Megatron: No, it’s just me, Prime!

Don’t forget to check out Drew, Justin and Kyle’s reviews!