Kaleb does Punisher: War Zone

“That Castle’s a slippery one”

The Scoop: 2008 R, directed by Lexi Alexander, and starring Ray Stevenson, Dominic West and Julie Benz.

Tagline: Vengeance has a name.

Summary Capsule: Ex-Special Forces instructor–not FBI agent–living in New York–not Miami–turns blood-soaked vigilante after his family is murdered by the mob.  Chunks ensue.

Kaleb’s Rating: True fact: The human body cannot be exploded into more than eleven pieces.

Kaleb’s Review: As one of the five people on the planet who thought that 2004’s Punisher was actually kind of okay, I felt sort of duty-bound to check out the frankly*-worse-looking Punisher: War Zone, and see if it could ascend to, or even surpass the lofty marginally-worth-watching-once heights of its predecessor.

The Ninja Turtles... um... left.

So did it make the cut?  Eh… kind of.  (Yeah, like there was any chance I was going to give a straight answer this early on.  Or… ever.)

Before we continue, I must pause and mention that there will be no vacky side-story about the misadventures surrounding my acquisition of the DVD, or some silly occurence that happened in the real world during the movie’s viewing that was strangely relevant to it.  Sorry, I didn’t plan it that way, but the rental and perusal of this film stands as one of the most uncharacteristically-smooth experiences of my life thus far.  I promise I’ll make up for it with my next two reviews, okay?

Also different this time ’round is the lack of a plot synopsis; and it goes without saying that I am as giddy as a little schoolgirl as a result.  Trust me, this is no dereliction on my part.  The plot is mecha-irrelevant, ergo, no synopsis needed.  And I don’t want to hear any crying about it, lest I should feel compelled to make numerous empty threats.

Okay then!  Getting down to the nitty and/or gritty: The best way I can describe Warzone concisely is to say that it’s basically Punisher ‘04 with its boo-boos made all better.  This sounds like a good thing right now, and it is, but it’s a highly-specialized good thing, which I will get back to later.

A chilling illustration of the perils of cat ownership.

One of the most oft-recurring complaints I heard regarding Punisher ‘04–in fact, second only to “It sucks because it sucks!” followed by a punch to the throat–was that it spent way too much time on backstory and character establishment, and way too little time on mobsters undergoing bullet-saturation therapy.

Solved.  The opening scene is a mafia party-crash, contingent of more mayhem than the previous film’s finale, and itself a pee-wee when standing next to this film’s final blast-fest, which features Frank vs. pretty much every banger and biker thug and Yakuza** in New York.  (The normal mafia is largely non-participatory, on account of most of them being dead already, and the Russian mob runs interference for the good guys, oddly enough.)

Verily, there be many a splootching head and kneecap in between as well, all the talking and feelings and sissy crap like that is kept to a minimum, and the pivotal Central Park massacre that killed Frank Castle and gave the Punisher birth is condensed to a thirty-second (if that) flashback.  It’s as though the movie’s saying, “Okay, do you get why he is the way he is?  We good?  Excellent; we now return you to your regularly scheduled violence.”

If I may contribute a personal beef with Punisher ‘04; I always thought Thomas Jane was just a touch too pretty and small for the role.  “Hey, where’s the raw-boned rugged scariness and the scowling and the perpetual five o’clock shadow?” asked I.  The answer?  Ray Stevenson had been hoarding them all in his cupboard for a rainy day.

I don’t want to say anything that will make any of you–or, well, me–uncomfortable, but this dude can be my Punisher anytime.  He just seems to fit the role really well.  I don’t think he’s quite as cut as Jane, but he does seem to be a bit taller and wider-framed, which helps a ton, and also directly addresses my other qualm.  See, my first significant exposure to the Punisher franchise came in the form of the PS2 game, and as such, I spent the entirety of the ‘04 movie thinking to myself, “Y’know, I’m not entirely convinced that he’s beefy enough to heft a grown man up off the ground and impale him on the tusk of a mounted elephant head.”  It’s a fairly minor quibble, but it’s nice to have it addressed.

Yeah, this scene really does happen.

Aside from the fact that it just isn’t really that great of a movie overall (once again, further qualification is required, and shall be given later), my only major stewpot lies with the at-times atrocious special effects.  With all of the mighty powers that I don’t actually possess, I hereby place a stricture on using CG blood effects, henceforth into perpetuity.  Give me squiberty, or give me death!

I’m reminded in particular of a scene where Jigsaw stabs a Russian mobster in the throat, and this ridiculous cartoon blood comes shooting out, and I think to myself, “Well, I guess it’s a good thing that guy died, since he obviously didn’t belong in this dimension anyway.  Although it’s erroneous to say that he ‘died’ in the traditional sense, and he should in fact be coming to, safe and sound in the Magical Fairy Gumdrop Kingdom, even as we speak.”

Also, although I previously mentioned that the action has been beefed up substantially, it seems like more still could’ve been done.  As it sits, its as though the movie is streaking across the football field, but wearing a hat so as not to be thought immodest.  C’mon, War Zone!  You’re already outlandishly violent!  Why not go for nightmarishly?

I figured it up, and I think if you lay all of the action segments end-to-end, you wind up with about forty-five minutes of exit-woundy good times; which sounds like a lot, until you consider that it leaves another forty-five minutes wherein no one is getting knifed in the skull.  Pretty cheap, Conehead.

Hate to sound like I’m hunched over with a scrap of flesh hanging out of my mouth, growling “more…”, but I guess that is kind of what’s happening.  Tra la la!!  I’m a bloodthirsty creep!

And as long as I’m waving my cane… come over here, War Zone.  Have a sit-down.  It’s time you and I had the naughty word talk.  Now now, don’t get ahead of me.  It’s not that I’m one of those people for whom profanity rather strangely and comically and altogether inexplicably causes literal physical pain (Hi Mom!  Hi Dad!), or that I’m even at all averse to a strategically-placed F-whistler hither and thither to liven things up, but what you’re doing is more like carpet bombing.

Look, you can’t marinate your dialogue in extraneous filth in the hopes of endearing yourself to the mouth-breathers, because… well, because that’s exactly what will happen, but just don’t, okay?

Oh, and yeah, I totally realize that my glee over violence and subsequent getting-all-uptight over profanity serves as a sobering example of our society’s hideously-skewed SHUT UP, HIPPIE!  You have deftly brought to light my deplorable hypocrisy, okay?  Good job.  Have yourself a well-deserved cookie.

In conclusion, your mileage will vary vastly depending on your expectations.  If you’re looking for a well-crafted Action/Crime Drama flick that can stand on its own merits as a member of those genres, and go toe-to-toe quality-wise with any of its contemporaries… yeah, you’d best just keep on a-ridin’.  Moreso if you aren’t keen on the idea of a movie that has one foot in Horror as well.  On the other hand, if you’re looking for a comic book in motion; something to munch popcorn to until your appetite gives out from all the gore… eh, sadly, you could probably still do better.

If, however, you are a Punisher fan, by all means give it a go.  And if you disliked the previous film for any of the reasons I mentioned, than this one is more or less custom-tailored for you.***

Alternatively, if you just want to be inundated with lots and lots and lots of hamburgery, sprayful carnage, that works too.

*Pun?

**Or possibly Triads; I’m sorry, I honestly can’t tell the difference.

***In particular, the fact that the original origin story is adhered to should silence your engraged fanboy keening.****

****No it won’t.

Shyah, bulletproof turtlenecks are, like, so five minutes ago.

Didja Notice?

• How Looney Bin Jim is strangely likeable?
• How disappointingly unceremonious Looney Bin Jim’s death is?
• Budiansky’s reaction to Castle’s impromptu arrest-alternative is rather hilarious (see video).
• Flashback notwithstanding, and also discounting the white Death’s Head on his vest (which you should, because it’s very, very dim), Castle is never seen wearing anything not-black.
• Is adorning an insane asylum with gargoyles supposed to help calm the patients?

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

Nah.

Groovy Quotes

Budiansky: “Which drawer?”
Soap: “What?”
Budiansky: “The alleged Punisher murders.”
Soap: “…All of them.”

Looney Bin Jim: “You look fantastic, brother.”

LBJ: “Did you know kidneys and applesauce are a delicacy in Sweden?  Did you know that?
Yes… yummy yummy yummy in my tummy tummy tummy.”

Angie: “Step the f__k away from my little girl.”
Grace: “Mom… that’s a dad word…”

Micro: “Let him go, Frank.”
Frank: “You know this piece of s__t?”
Micro: “Ex-piece of s__t.”
Frank: “Yeah, he’s a regular choir boy.”
Carlos: “F__k you, cracker.”
Micro: “Language!”

LBJ: “Evenin’ officers.”
Cop: “Is everything okay in there?”
LBJ: “No… everything is not okay.”

Budiansky: “You mind explaining to me how a handcuffed criminal escapes custody from the back
of your locked car?”
Soap: “That Castle’s a slippery one.”

LBJ: “Reeowr.”

LBJ: “Hey, I “axe”d you a question!  You don’t answer, guess I’ll have to “axe” it again!”

Budiansky: “Interesting choice for a meeting place.  Didn’t take you as a religious man,
Castle.”
Frank: “Yeah well… an eye for an eye.”
Budiansky: “If I remember right, they’re not called the Ten Suggestions.”

Soap: “Now I’ve got brains splattered all over me!”

Father Mike: “Why do you do this?”
Frank: “Somebody has to punish the corrupt.”
Father Mike: “‘…for in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure
you use, it will be measured to you.”
Frank: “Matthew… 7:2.  I’m okay with that.”

Bonus Features! (Warning: All but the GA trailer carry the Icky label.)

General Audiences trailer.

Red Band trailer.

Best?  Debatable.  A fine showcase for the crappy CGi I mentioned earlier?  Absolutely.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• The Punisher
• Rambo (2007)
• Death Wish(es) one through seventeen.