Justin’s Guide to Surviving Trips to Other Worlds

Hey you! Did you find a magical wardrobe, a secret door, a mystical portal or an enchanted walnut that will transport you out of the humdruggery of 21st century Earth and into another world full of delights and alien bugs that burrow under your skin and make you commit atrocities? Good thing I caught you before you did anything – my advice has saved many a cinematic sojourner, and it will for you.

1. If you find a door or passageway to another world, you have a 60% chance the world will be a fantasy garden of delights wherein you will be a savior, and a 40% chance that this is a hell dimension of unbelievable suffering and pain and Rosanne Barr. So the odds are telling you that you should scoot on through without giving it a second thought.

2. Before you leave, make sure you use the bathroom and pack a few rolls of toilet paper. Facilities in other worlds are sadly lacking, unless you like getting back to nature in a foul way.

3. Yes, you’ll be able to come back. Probably. Maybe. It might take an unbelievable amount of effort and the possible assassination of the Death Queen of Seven Knives to do so, but you’ll be back in your bed before you know it. But don’t let that cause any hesitation, it’s very standard for these sorts of things.

4. By entering the other world, you’ll instantly become the most important person there, the de facto savior-in-waiting. This is because other worlds are usually suffering under the harsh tyranny of a dictator, and the populace is too chicken to do anything. They’d prefer to farm out their revolt to someone whose qualifications are typically nothing more than giving inspirational speeches, frowning thoughtfully, and possessing the sacred ring.

5. You… DID bring the sacred ring, didn’t you? Oh, dear. That might be a problem.

6. Standard other world travel contracts include a clause to provide you with a best friend and tour guide, usually with a zany sense of humor and no inherent bravery to speak of. Other world inhabitants don’t mind just dropping everything to play “Tote The Ignorant Savage Around”, even if they have families and important jobs like dam repair.

7. If you don’t know what to do and feel a bit helpless, it’s not as big a problem as you think. Most of the important actions you’ll undertake will be done 100% by accident, coincidence or fate – and certainly not by any skill or talent on your part.

8. Along your journey, you’ll encounter a creature or creatures from a race that everyone in the world, including your tour guide, sneers at and calls insulting names, like “nancypants”. By showing basic human decency – a rare delicacy in this place – you will cause social upheaval and outright eliminate racism, as well as forging allies with some guys who will now fight to the death for you in a very important scene later on.

9. Everything you pick up and carry holds crucial significance, and will most certainly be used later on. So, don’t litter.

10. When coming upon a door, maze or creature that throws a riddle your way that nobody in 10,000 years has ever solved, you can bet that this is the day your logics teacher prepared you for. Furrow your brow, mutter to yourself, open your eyes wide and proclaim “By jove, I’ve got it!” Then kill the creature, burn down the maze or bash open the door. You don’t need this crap slowing you down.

11. We field a lot of questions about love, romance and nookie in the other world, and yes, it’ll happen. Like your tour guide friend, the other world is legally obligated to throw a sizzlin’ hunk or babe your way, even if this means ripping them away from their spouse and children. Hey, you’re the savior, remember? Don’t feel guilty about it. So when it happens, make sure to carve out a ten-minute chunk of time to walk through a dewy meadow, stare at the stars, and kiss as fairies dance around your head and try to burrow into your eye sockets. This is why “protection” in other worlds usually involves goggles.

12. Remember that nothing is sacred in other worlds – at least not to you. You have full tramping rights. If your guide grabs your arm and hisses that you must not go into the Grove of Holy Ancestors, for it is blasphemy against all things living, then just roll your eyes, shake off his hand and jitterbug right in. There’s probably treasure or something. Hey, it’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

13. The evil ruler will, at some point, capture and/or kill your love interest, tour guide or dispossessed freaks from #8 as a form of insurance for your cooperation. Don’t fall for it – it’s important to keep in mind that there’s really no proof that this other world is anything more than a chili burrito-induced nightmare on your part. If it’s a dream, anything goes, right? Then prove you’re tougher by calmly shooting an arrow into your ally (fatal or a flesh wound, your pick) and then cocking your eyebrow as if to say, “I have a facial tic.” Chances are, the bad guy will recognize your superiority and become a loyal toadie or something.

14. If not, all evil rulers have an obvious Achilles’ heel, kind of like every boss battle in a video game. Look for the flashing, sparkly or shiny part on him, and stab it.

15. Yes, it’s time to go back home, because you realize that even though you’re worshipped as a minor god here, they don’t have plumbing or Starbucks. Before you leave, order everyone to throw you a parade and make an official declaration that every other day will be a holiday named after you. Satisfied that you will tank their economy with the lack of work days, you may use the portal and return home, just as you left it. Although if you were smart, you would bring back those huge bags of jewels you got from the Grove of Holy Ancestors.