Justin does Real Men

“They’re destroying my ducks!”

The Scoop: 1987 PG-13, directed by Dennis Feldman and starring James Belushi, John Ritter and Isa Jank

Tagline: The fate of the world is in their hands. God help us all.

Summary Capsule: CIA dude and wimpy dude pair up to complete a mission of utmost importance… bringing a glass of water to aliens.

Justin’s Rating: Sorry, can’t tell you. Code clearance only.

Justin’s Review: I have a rule, as unshakable and firm as the world is old. That rule is this: if any movie has a character that shouts out in panic, “Holy s**t! Clown attack!”, then it renders that movie impervious to critical harm. Sorry, folks, but that’s how it goes. You understand.

Real Men is a sleeper 80’s cult comedy that has some problems. Serious problems. The soundtrack kicks in and shuts off at weird times. The pacing is off. James Belushi doesn’t know if he wants to be a completely macho jerk or a likable rogue, and alternatingly deadpans or manics his way through every scene. Editing gaffes are frequent, and continuity nearly non-existent. You might be tempted to laugh uproariously for one minute, then sit there for ten more completely straight-faced. It’s an odd flick. And yet, it’s a kinda funny film, free to be as weirdly humorous as it desired. Plus, it has the aforementioned “clown attack!” line, and that trumps nearly all.

A breezy 85-minute tale, Real Men shoehorns into the cop buddy genre by pairing up CIA vet Belushi with spineless wimp John Ritter. The reasoning behind this is vague and weak – something about how the CIA is infiltrated by the Russians and Ritter is a lookalike to a dead scientist who can make a vital trade with aliens – but it sputters to a start, sooner or later, and the pair is off on a road trip through Americana. That being “southern California”, which is a stand in for “Las Vegas”, “Washington D.C.” and “Indianapolis”.

Ritter, playing “Bob” (there’s an actual line in this movie where someone says “What about Bob?”), is understandably perturbed at his abduction by Belushi’s hairier masculinity, and there’s a chunk of the film where he tries to escape but Belushi either charms, cons or strong arms him back into the mission. Depending on the scene, you might hate or like Belushi, and that killed a bit of my enthusiasm for the movie. If a hero is going to be bullying another guy around, we better darn well like the hero to overlook that non-heroic action. Yet Belushi, like pretty much every role I’ve seen him in, has no idea how to pull it off. I feel bad for the guy, who made a film career out of a single line on his resume – “Looks like John Belushi and is in fact related to John Belushi” – but never has risen above B-movie land.

Because it’s so short, because of the clown attack and other assorted weirdness, and because we at MRFH have an affinity for Mr. Ritter (come and knock on my door!), I’ll give Real Men a break and admit that if you were kidnapped by the CIA, duct taped to a chair and this was the only thing playing on the interrogation room’s TV, it wouldn’t hurt you to roll your eyes in that direction for an hour or so.

'There. Did I get your itch?'

Didja Notice?

• Shooting things with your finger and yelling out “bang!” is surprisingly effective

• That’s a man, baby
• Aliens like to give pens as nice gifts
• Russians take five for lunch, even during a firefight

Intermission!

Real Men was only released in two U.S. cities, grossing less than $1 million.

Groovy Quotes

Bob: They’re gonna shoot at us, aren’t they?
Nick: Probably, Bob. It’s what they brought the guns for.

Bob: They’re destroying my ducks!

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