Justin does Punisher: War Zone

“That Castle’s a slippery one”

The Scoop: 2008 R, directed by Lexi Alexander, and starring Ray Stevenson, Dominic West and Julie Benz.

Tagline: Vengeance has a name.

Summary Capsule: Ex-Special Forces instructor–not FBI agent–living in New York–not Miami–turns blood-soaked vigilante after his family is murdered by the mob.  Chunks ensue.

Justin’s Rating: He’s got a license to brutalize

Justin’s Review: You have to feel a little sorry for the Punisher (aka Frank Castle), no matter whether you approve of his heavy-handed homicidal method of justice or not.  The guy’s never been at the top tier of Marvel, sometimes existing to provide more uppity superheroes reason to sniff their noses in disdain for his brutal tactics.  He’s also had a horrendous streak in the movie theaters as well: 1989’s Dolph Lundgren did no favors to the franchise (and even nixed the P’s famous shirt), 2004’s Thomas Jane installed no awe as he fought (polite cough) John Travolta, and 2008’s Ray Stevenson got saddled with a gory underdog of a film that grossed barely $10 million.  There may be a place in the Marvel universe for The Punisher, but he’s yet to rest his weary head on the pillow of success for movie-goers.

It’s sad that the apex of his career might’ve been a team up with – of all people – Archie.  Yes, <i>that</i> Archie.

Other than being less-than-lackluster in theaters, all three Punisher flicks have something else in common: none of them are related in any way to the others.  Three films, three “reboots” of a sort.  Punisher: War Zone is probably the most faithful to the source out of them all – using the comic’s origin story (told in flashbacks), along with the classic villain Jigsaw – but its bottom-of-the-barrel acting and splatterpunk nature make it hard to care.  Yeah, that guy just punched through that other guy’s head, but where’s the characterization?

About as far from superheroes as one can get, the Punisher stalks the streets of NYC and takes down organized crime faster than Spider-Man can brush his teeth in the morning.  Cops consistently turn a blind eye to his activities because, hey, vigilantes rock!  Am I right, or what?  I mean, who needs all that pesky paperwork and Miranda Rights when you can just unleash a mentally unstable Special Forces vet on the scum of the town?

During a particularly gruesome bust, Punisher accidentally kills a FBI mole (cue angry coffeemug throw of regret in his lair three scenes later) and creates an arch-nemesis by throwing a baddie into a glass grinder.  That does NOT do any favors for one’s face, I might add.  The remainder of the movie is born of these actions: Punisher tries to make up to the widow for his little boo-boo, and Jigsaw (glass grinder guy) enlists all of the gangs of the city in an attempt to squash Frank Castle and good.  Lots of shootouts, bang bang, the end.

Probably the most bizarre aspect of PWZ (which I pronounce “pweeze?”) is that the daughter of the slain FBI agent all but adopts her father’s killer as a replacement.  Every scene she’s in required the screenwriters to ignore all they knew about human emotions and relationships, for the kid never really cries, nor reacts to her mom pulling a gun on Castle, doesn’t scream, and starts making puppy eyes on the big guy with the guns like she’s putting herself up for adoption.  It’s about six miles past Creepy and almost to the town of Whattheheck?  The wife/mom isn’t much better – she gets one scene of acting all indignant, but then fails to kill Frank when she has the chance, and becomes a mindless potential kidnappee from then on out.

If you are in the mood for action and don’t mind a lot of Karyo syrup slucing everywhere, then Punisher: War Zone will fit the bill as long as you don’t ask anything more of it.  It’s all technically well-done and the plot is easy enough to follow, but… sheesh.  The lot of them need acting classes.  Punisher comes just as stilted as Steven Seagal, just perhaps a bit more chunky.  Jigsaw and the rest either maniacally overact or plod through the script as if it’s a particularly repugnant chore.  I’d have rather seen Punisher square off against of some of Marvel’s so-called “good guys” than this Scarface reject.

Want a second opinion?  Check out Kaleb’s review here.

Didja Notice?

• Hooray for glass crushers with no safety guards, bars or covers
• All asylums should look straight out of a Halloween set, even if they’re in the middle of suburbia
• Her mom’s about to shoot a guy and the daughter just sits there coloring?  Wow, that’s a little oblivious.
• The little kid’s a klepto, too
• Kids are easily impressed by snowglobes
• Has that kid even shed one tear for her dad’s death before she latches on to her dad’s killer as a replacement?

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

Nah.

Groovy Quotes

Budiansky: Which drawer?
Soap: What?
Budiansky: The alleged Punisher murders.
Soap: …All of them.

Looney Bin Jim: You look fantastic, brother.

LBJ: Did you know kidneys and applesauce are a delicacy in Sweden?  Did you know that?
Yes… yummy yummy yummy in my tummy tummy tummy.

Angie: Step the f__k away from my little girl.
Grace: Mom… that’s a dad word…

Micro: Let him go, Frank.
Frank: You know this piece of s__t?
Micro: Ex-piece of s__t.
Frank: Yeah, he’s a regular choir boy.
Carlos: F__k you, cracker.
Micro: Language!

LBJ: Evenin’ officers.
Cop: Is everything okay in there?
LBJ: No… everything is not okay.

Budiansky: You mind explaining to me how a handcuffed criminal escapes custody from the back
of your locked car?
Soap: That Castle’s a slippery one.

LBJ: Reeowr.

LBJ: Hey, I “axe”d you a question!  You don’t answer, guess I’ll have to “axe” it again!

Budiansky: Interesting choice for a meeting place.  Didn’t take you as a religious man, Castle.
Frank: Yeah well… an eye for an eye.
Budiansky: If I remember right, they’re not called the Ten Suggestions.

Soap: Now I’ve got brains splattered all over me!

Father Mike: Why do you do this?
Frank: Somebody has to punish the corrupt.
Father Mike: “…for in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
Frank: Matthew… 7:2.  I’m okay with that.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• The Punisher
• Rambo (2007)
• Death Wish(es) one through seventeen.