Justin does Ghost Rider

“The story goes he’ll be normal during the day, but at night, in the presence of evil, the Rider takes over.”

The Scoop: 2007 PG-13, directed by Mark Steven Johnson and starring Nicolas Cage, Peter Fonda and Eva Mendes’ chest

Tagline: Long ago he made a deal to save someone he loved

Summary Capsule: Stunt cyclist makes a deal with the Devil to save his father. In an unprecedented move, the Devil cheats and turns him into the original “Hell’s Angel.” Bad stuff happens.

Justin’s Rating: I’d love to see a scooter-riding Ghost Rider, patrolling supermarket aisles everywhere with Hell’s vengeance

Justin’s Review: It’s safe to say that Nicolas Cage, alias Nicholas Coppola, is no stranger to bizarrely bad film roles. Whether it’s watching him wig out about bees in The Wicker Man, channel John Travolta in Face/Off or rewrite 200 years of American history in National Treasure, it’s just a treat to have him visit our homes and bug his eyes out while ranting about this or that. He’s kind of like that crazy uncle who may or may not actually be related to family, but you keep inviting him over to Thanksgiving because his behavior will give you something to gossip about the next day.

Ghost Rider isn’t the worst of Nic Cage’s films, but it could be used as corporal punishment for your children. “You didn’t eat your broccoli? Ghost Rider for you, young man!” “NOOOO!!!”

It may be unfair to lay it all at the feet of Mr. Cage, yet since he shows none of the boyish charm that makes him tolerable in other movies, I’m not inclined to commute his sentence. It also doesn’t help that this is a B- or C-list Marvel superhero, something for the Harley Davidson/heavy metal crowd, but nothing that got fans in a tizzy over. And it certainly doesn’t help that it’s bound to Eva Mendes (alias “Boobs McGee”), who vomits up such a lackluster performance that at one point – and I’m not kidding here – she’s upstaged by a Magic 8-Ball. I don’t know why she got this role – well, I do, because the camera all but shoves our face in her cleavage – but she’s right down there with Denise Richards and Tara Reid as actresses who should never have accepted film roles in which they have to pretend to be a talented professional.

Taking its sweet time getting around to a muddled superhero origin story, Ghost Rider wastes a good 45 minutes or so with an elaborate (and hokey) backstory concerning bounty hunters empowered by the devil to do his bidding, usually by setting themselves on fire and causing large amounts of property damage. Johnny Blaze (Cage) is a motorcycle jumper who assumes the role as the most recent Ghost Rider, mostly because he’s an idiot and thought that making a deal with Satan wouldn’t involve a good amount of “liar liar pants on fire”. Well, he got the lies, and his pants are set a-Blaze. Is that enough bad puns for this paragraph? Good. Moving on…

As he woodenly tries to reconnect with a childhood sweetie (Mendes), Blaze is tasked with taking down four fallen angel things, each with the power of a different element so that it sort of feels like a Captain Planet cartoon. Earth! Air! Water! Sideburns! Along the way he’s mentored by Sam Elliott, who looks just like he never left the set of Tombstone (and is harboring such a surprise that if you can’t guess what it is, you’ve fallen into a coma like 95% of this film’s audience). Cue lots of flame, motorcycles, leather, chains and chaps.

As a superhero, Ghost Rider harbors traits of both Spawn (with the whole Hell theme) and, oddly enough, the Hulk. Well, he kind of talks like the Hulk, in catchy one or two word phrases which probably look wayyy better on the comic pages than they do coming out of a CGI skull’s mouth. Speaking of which, while his effects are passable (including the physics-defying ride up a skyscraper), the director was obviously a horror aficionado and went all-out for some of the most creepy and disturbing visuals for the bad guys that you’ll probably ever see in a Marvel movie. It’s weird to say this, but they should’ve really just scrapped the whole Ghost Rider concept entirely, and thrown the plot into deep horror country, where it could’ve thrived properly instead of being second fiddle to a Megadeth cover.

By the end of this flick, both my wife and I were riffing on every other little thing that would happen, including a mind-boggling moment when Ghost Rider rides by and torches a desert lizard for no good reason. Lizard! We hardly knew ye! So that can’t be a good sign of high quality, right?

Want a second opinion? Check out Drew’s review here!

I guess the bike comes with a parachute too? Otherwise this is going to be awkward.

Groovy Quotes

Caretaker: Story goes that every generation has one, a damned soul cursed to wander the earth, collecting on the Devil’s deals.

Mephistopheles: I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed your show. Perhaps you’ll ride for me one day.
Johnny: You run a show?
Mephistopheles: Greatest show on earth.

Mack: You should be taking a dirt nap after that ragdoll today.
Johnny: I got lucky.
Mack: I got a huntin’ dog named Lucky – he’s got one eye and no nuts. “Lucky” don’t cover it, J.B. It’s like you got an angel lookin’ after you.
Johnny: Maybe it’s something else.

Mack: I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again – this place could use a woman’s touch, J.B.
Johnny: Yeah, so could you.
Mack: Ain’t that the truth.

Caretaker: The story goes he’ll be normal during the day, but at night, in the presence of evil, the Rider takes over.

Johnny: Thanks for the info. I feel much better now that I know I’m the Devil’s bounty hunter.

Roxanne: Jesus!
Blackheart: Not even close.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Daredevil

• The Devil’s Advocate
• The Prophecy