Justin does Back to School

“Good teacher. He really seems to care. About what I have no idea.”

The Scoop: 1986 PG-13, directed by Alan Metter and starring Rodney Dangerfield, Burt Young and Keith Gordon

Tagline: Registration starts Friday, June 13, at theaters everywhere.

Summary Capsule: Dad who thinks he’s a comedian goes to college to be near his loser son. This does not help loser son’s status.

Justin’s Rating: He doesn’t get no respect from me, that’s for sure.

Justin’s Review: I’ll confess: I don’t really like Rodney Dangerfield. Never did. He irked me in Caddyshack as a slob who wasn’t a “yeah, you’re pretty cool for a slob” type, but more of a drunken uncle who you really wish you could disown, especially at family gatherings. It’s not that I hate the guy, it’s just that when you don’t find a comedian’s particular schtick funny, that pretty much washes out anything he or she does. Kathy Griffin, too. And Sam Kinison (who’s also unfortunately in this movie).

It also doesn’t help that his bulging eyes make me think of the unfortunate demise of the key villain in Total Recall – I spent half the film wondering if there was massive decompression happening somewhere nearby and Dangerfield was just putting on a brave face about it.

Yet Back to School is such a who’s who of 80’s pop culture that it was hard to avoid for very long. The magical powers of Dangerfield brought together Oingo Boingo, Karate Kid’s Johnny, Ferris Bueller’s Grace, Rocky’s Uncle Paulie and rehab’s Robert Downey Jr. I would be remiss in my extensive coverage of the 80’s if I left this stone unturned, slimy and muddy that it is.

Dangerfield plays Thorny Melon, a huge, rich slob who embodies slackerdom and piggish annoyance. Even so, everyone save his ex-wife seems to adore him, and he manages to forge a business empire out of a Tall & Fat clothing store chain (yes, because all the overweight folks in the world want to be seen with the Tall & Fat label on their clothes, I’m sure). Yet when his son Jason is struggling in college, Thorny does what any parent seeking to forever traumatize their offspring would do – he bribes the university to admit him as a fellow freshman so that he can be his son’s roommate.

Surprisingly enough, this doesn’t send Jason off the deep end, waving around a .357 Magnum in the middle of a K-Mart. He’s so desperate for human contact that he doesn’t mind being the only kid on campus with a roommate who once changed his diapers.

Thus begins the chronicles of Thorny’s intrusion into collegiate life, which apparently exists in a fantasy world where his fellow students find him hilarious and the professors strangely tolerant when he keeps acting up in class and performing his stand-up routine. Along the way he seduces a professor, throws a couple parties, gets in a brawl, ticks off the fuddy-duddy dean, and intrudes on his son’s life in any way possible.

While Back to School didn’t pioneer the cliché of college movies, it certainly polishes the template down to a T, with all the prerequisite scenes that you’d expect. Heck, Van Wilder cribbed half its script from this movie – and I kid you not. The only thing that seems wildly out of place is that the big climax of the film comes over the college’s sport obsession: diving. Not football, not basketball, not even women’s junior hockey. Diving. It’s THE sport everyone’s dying to get into, and pretty much the entire campus turns out to watch as skinny white boys in teeny, tiny speedos jump off high boards and bellyflop into the pool. It’ll make you cock your head to the side like a confused puppy, I predict.

It’s not a terrible film, by any means – just not funny. But for that one week in June of 1986 when it ruled over the box office, the culture must have thought differently. Go figure.

Marty contemplated another three years of this, and hung himself the very next day.

Didja Notice?

• So… only fat people are allowed to work at the Tall and Fat store? Including the board?

• Hehe, abandoned dolls.
• Everybody wants Rocky’s Uncle Paulie to be their limo driver
• And introducing Robert Downey Jr. with red and blue dyed hair
• Is that Johnny from Karate Kid? Yup, guess it is.
• Ah, the day when Bruce Springsteen would light everyone’s pants on fire
• That’s the best dorm room ever
• Remind me – why did women wear shoulder pads back then?
• This movie’s pretty big on speedos. Well, small on them. You know what I mean.
• The worst version of Twist and Shout you’ll ever hear
• Holy crap, it’s Kurt Vonnegut!
• It’s the school secretary from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off… so I guess it’s an official 80’s reunion.
• And now, Oingo Boingo.
• She’s like a half foot taller than him… it’s like she’s dating a Smurf
• One of the last shots in the opening montage is of Rodney Dangerfield golfing. This was taken directly from his first film, Caddyshack
• The room in which Thornton Melon takes his three-hour oral exam is the same room in which Alex Owens makes her successful dance audition in Flashdance

Intermission!

The scene where Derek distracts the opposing team’s divers in not included when the movie is on television. That’s because such actions could cause serious injury to divers, especially from 5 and 10-meter platforms, and would make Derek subject to arrest, prison time, and civil litigation.

Groovy Quotes

[after snorkeling in a hot tub with four bikini-clad co-eds]
Thornton Melon: Now that’s what I call Marine Biology!

Thornton Melon: [television commercial] Hi there. Are you a large person? Pleasantly plump? A little on the hefty side, perhaps? Well, let’s face it: Are you FAT? When you go jogging, do you leave pot-holes? When you make love, do you have to give directions? At the zoo, do the elephants throw YOU peanuts? Do you look at a menu and say ‘OK’? Well, now, you can eat all you want, because at Thornton Melon’s “Tall & Fat” stores, we’ve got you covered. That’s right. Fine woolen, and woolen-blend suits and sport coats, in all the larger sizes – husky, stout, extra-stout, and the new Hindenburg line. And for you ladies we have caftans, muumuus, and our own exclusive A-frame in all colors and patterns. Yes, we have miles and miles of fabric. So take it from me, Thornton Melon, if you want to look thin, you hang out with fat people.

Executive #2: The toy division has come up with a new doll idea to go along with our children’s clothing line. We call them Melon Patch Kids. Now, the competition exploits the notion that their dolls are orphans. The Melon Patch Kids are not orphans… they’re abandoned! We think it’s a winner.

Derek: [explaining his "anti-pep rally"] Violent ground acquisition games such as football is in fact a crypto-fascist metaphor for nuclear war.

Thornton Melon: What’s your favorite subject?
Bubbles: Poetry.
Thornton Melon: Really? Well, maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow.

Thornton Melon: Good teacher. He really seems to care. About what I have no idea.

Thornton Melon: The football team at my high school, they were tough. After they sacked the quarterback, they went after his family.

Thornton Melon: I don’t know. I can’t figure women out. Today, they’re… independent. They only think about themselves. Why, during sex, Vanessa – she used to scream out her own name!

Thornton Melon: No, with women, I never cry. Never. I beg.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Caddyshack

• Van Wilder
• Animal House