Heather does My Big Fat Greek Wedding

“Oh I don’t know. If I had survived an old-lady ass-kicking I would want to brag about it”

The Scoop: 2002 PG, directed by Joel Zwick and starring Nia Vardalos, John Corbett, Michael Constantine, and Lainie Kazan.

Tagline: Love is here to stay…so is her family.

Summary Capsule: A woman introduces the man of her dreams to her family. He survives all their best attempts to Greek him to death.

Heather’s Rating: It’s worth its weight in Windex.

Heather’s Review: My first DVD rental of 2009 was a movie I never imagined I would watch. Anyone who knows my movie tastes at all knows that I like romantic movies the way one might like a Novocain-free root canal. The serious ones are ALWAYS depressing, the whole genre systematically murdering off one or both of the main love interests and sending the audience into a deep depression unrivaled in their day to day lives (at least until their next trip to the gas station). The lighthearted ones are just as predictable as the former, but instead of slow, agonizing deaths the audience must endure slow, agonizing “misunderstandings” wrought from one of the characters holding something back about themselves that their lover later finds out. Some deus ex machina happens, and the whole thing ends in birds singing, puppies romping, and little heart shaped clouds forming above the couple as they merrily traipse along into the sunset, hand in hand, leaving a candy coated trail behind them

This is all why I had successfully avoided this movie like the plague since its release almost 7 years ago. But I made a deal with my sisters and I wasn’t going to back out. I recently got my sisters to check out our site. So far all I’ve done are cult movies, which isn’t their thing (I did point out we do plenty of “normal” movies here, too). So in an effort to involve them and get them more interested I said “Hey, why don’t you two choose the movies I review this month? Pick one each.” I cringed inside when one of the sisters yelled “My Big Fat Greek Wedding!”. A dark cloud settled over my head and I trudged to the movie store looking like a real-life Eeyore. In the aisle I picked up the DVD case the way one might handle a newspaper fresh with spider guts and on its way to the trash can after having disposed of yet another intruder mincing across the bathroom wall.

My horror increased as I saw Joey “N*Sync” Fatone’s Howdy Doody face staring at me from the cover. Once home I dropped the DVD into my player and dragged myself from the tv to the bed, shoulders slumped in defeat and wondering what I had gotten myself into.

And all I can say about that is “Thanks, sis.” This film took the Romantic Movie Template and dumped tzatziki all over it. I was interested, I laughed, and my thoughts were provoked. In short, I was entertained.

Toula Portokalos, our heroine, is a frumpy-looking, unhappy maiden of Greek descent. To paraphrase her words “Nice Greek girls marry Greek men, have Greek babies, and make Greek food.” Toula is at the ripe old age of thirty (practically an old maid to her family) and working in the family restaurant for her loving, but bossy and suffocating, kinfolk. Fed up with it all she goes off to college and finds a job she’s happy with. Then follows the Transformation Montage where she starts wearing makeup and fixes her hair and gets nice clothes, but if you pay attention you’ll see it’s not the same setup as in other romantic movies. This is a woman who starts to be happy with herself for the first time because she’s finally doing what she wants in life. She becomes happy inside and that in turn makes her care about what she looks like outside. At her new job she is noticed by a Fabio-esque, wonderful guy named Ian Miller. He doesn’t fit in with his family either and finds Toula so full of life and intriguing that he just has to meet her. In spite of the problems that they know they’ll run into with their families they become completely enamored with each other anyway. Then comes the time to meet the parents.

It’s awkward on both sides, but it’s real. This was not a huge dramatic point in the movie where the father threatens to disown Toula, or Ian’s White Suburban Parents acted like he was dating some heathen that would be an embarrassment to all of their friends at the country club. What ensued was a great story that made a lot of jabs and good points about what happens when a marriage brings two cultures together. What is really going to throw the romantic comedy poo-pooers for a loop is that this movie is just so real and honest. Nothings is melodramatic, Toula and Ian’s relationship isn’t the end of the world for their families, and there are many beautiful details about the family dynamic. Also none of that “misunderstanding” crap, and no one dies. It’s a just a good representation of two real, very different, families brought together when their kids get married.

Not being Greek myself (I know, hard to believe. You’d never know by looking at me) and having no immersion in Greek culture, I wasn’t sure while watching it just how believable the craziness of Toula’s family was. I found out through the commentary that most of that stuff was a play by play from the life of Nia Vardalos (the writer and star). The fact that someone wrote and starred in a romantic movie about their life is usually cause for me to make a crucifix with my fingers and back away, hissing. In this case, it made the movie so much more hilarious (her father really did use Windex as a cure-all) and Nia’s narration was wonderful (I think she should take up voice acting).

Everyone’s acting was great. Every relationship portrayed in this movie was done well. Joey Fatone’s presence was short and (surprisingly) sweet. So grab a baklava and be ready to be regaled with stories of Aunt Voula’s “twin”.

This is my Windex bottle. There are many like it but this one is mine.

• If a member of N*Sync tells you how to say “Let’s go into the house” in Greek, don’t listen to him! Just hit him. In fact if you see a N*Sync member just hit him anyway.

• I’ve only witnessed rivers and glorified bathtubs for baptizing, but kiddie pools work too.
• Vegetarians can eat lamb.
• Bloodthirsty Turks!
• Guys: In the makeout montage pay CLOSE attention (as if you weren’t, anyway). When making out with Toula, Ian is holding her head. Seriously, guys. That’s all we want. Caress our noggins. It’s a win every time.

Groovy Quotes:

Gus Portokalos: Give me a word, any word, and I show you that the root of that word is Greek.

[upon receiving a bundt cake from Mrs. Miller]
Maria Portokalos: It’s a cake! I know! Thank you! Thank you very, very much.
[whispering to Aunt Freida]
There’s a hole in this cake!

Gus: Put some Windex.

[Toula's father, Gus, during his wedding speech] You know, the root of the word Miller is a Greek word. Miller come from the Greek word “milo,” which is mean “apple,” so there you go. As many of you know, our name, Portokalos, is come from the Greek word “portokali,” which mean “orange.” So, okay? Here tonight, we have, ah, apple and orange. We all different, but in the end, we all fruit.

[When Ian ask Toula what her family does for Christmas] Toula: So, what happens is my dad and uncles, they fight over who gets to eat the lamb brain. And then my aunt Voula forks the eyeball and chases me around with it, try to get me to eat it, ’cause it’s gonna make me smart. So, you have two cousins, I have 27 first cousins. Just 27 first cousins alone! And my whole family is big and loud. And everybody is in each other’s lives and business. All the time! Like, you never just have a minute alone, just to think, ‘Cause we’re always together, just eating, eating, eating! The only other people we know are Greeks, ’cause Greeks marry Greeks to breed more Greeks, to be loud breeding Greek eaters.

Also check out PoolMan’s, Justin’s and Andie’s review of this film!