Heather does Heathers

“Dear Diary, My teen angst bull**** has a body count”

The Scoop: 1988 R, directed by Michael Lehmann and starring Winona Ryder, Christian Slater, Shannen Doherty, Lisanne Falk and Kim Walker

Tagline: No tagline

Summary Capsule: Boy meets girl, boy starts killing everyone she knows

Heather’s Rating: Could someone buy these kids a Zippo, please?

Heather’s Review: There’s really no other way to begin this than to tell you that three years ago I was part of a group of five Heathers. Most of us went to church together, prompting the need for us to be assigned monikers based on our state/country of origin. I was Kentucky Heather, there was a Tennessee Heather, Louisiana Heather and then Australia Heather. I reveled in the incredulous reactions we’d receive whenever we were all together and introduced ourselves. I always found it amusing to have to pull out picture ID to prove we weren’t playing a prank (”Really? You think we’re that pathetic? Hahaha…okay then, you goober..”). Unfortunately there was always the inevitable question to follow: “So have you seen that movie ‘Heathers’?” Well no, no I hadn’t. Why? Well, I mean…I guess for the same reasons that I haven’t watched a lot of movies: There are only so many hours in a day. Besides I don’t pick out my films purely because I have something in common with the title. If that were true then, given my DVD collection, my life would be a whole lot more awesome. In reality I would have more in common with something titled “Slacker Gaming Housewives and the Always-Deployed Husbands Who Love Them”. But I digress…My negative answer always drew surprise, yet honestly I don’t think the people that asked me about “Heathers” had seen the movie either. When asked, no one could ever elaborate on the plot any farther than “Well it’s about some mean girls named Heather. And they’re in high school.” Gee, thanks. Sounds awesome. I’ll jump right on that.

When I finally got around to watching it about a week ago I expected another preachy “popularity isn’t all it’s cracked up to be” movie. I suppose that’s what I got, underneath the cold blooded murder, scarring and filthy language (a CHAINSAW? Really? WTF?), the satiric portrayal of a town practically lusting over the teen suicide “fad” and mockery of our media’s sensationalism.

Veronica Sawyer, a genius-level intellect, finds herself in a popularity trap of her own making. In too deep, she finds distraction from the shallow Heather trio through her heated outpourings in her diary and the new guy in town, a mysterious and attractive rebel named J.D. Veronica and J.D. accidentally kill off the lead Heather and cover it up as a suicide. Jason seems to have a bit of repressed bloodlust, as this one instance sets him off on a killing spree, dragging Veronica along with him. Veronica is caught between her psychopathic love interest’s extracurriclars, Heather Duke’s power trip as she tries to step up as new clique leader , and the town’s cult-like fascination with the rash of teenage “suicides” sweeping through their local high school.

Dan Waters, the writer, created this story as a satire of the media’s obsession with teen suicide in the ’80s. According to Dan Waters (as per his commentary on the DVD’s special features) the media was having a frenzy with it. They grossly exaggerated matters and used its shock value as a ratings booster (as the media is wont to do). I wouldn’t recall, as I was more into watching Saturday morning cartoons than the nightly news when this came out. Even so I can relate, as we all can, to being utterly exasperated with the media grabbing one particular type of story, rallying behind it or shocking us with it until it’s run in the ground.

Luckily I didn’t have any high expectations for this film as one of the all-time cult classics, so I ended up really enjoying it rather than being disappointed when it didn’t shine as brightly as the pedestal I’d placed it on. The “Heathers” plot was definitely an unexpected plot (albeit a slightly painful one to watch, given the school tragedies over the last decade or so) and it kept me interested. The dialogue was very offensive and at the same time off the wall and hilarious. Waters created a totally new set of slang, something I’ve only ever seen in Clueless. For those who care (not me) the outfits were certainly…intriguing. If it weren’t for the shoulder pads I’d have a hard time dating this movie by the clothes alone, they had that unique of a look.

All that said I’ll go where everyone else has by saying I hate the last couple of minutes. Other than that, and dialogue so filthy it would probably have Navy SEALS squirming, this is easily a movie I can see watching over and over again.

Didja Notice:

Typically this is not what you want to see on a date.

• Veronica’s fantastic dresser with the punctuation marks for handles?
• Heather Chandler sounds like she goes in and out of a Southern accent, especially at the beginning of the Lunchtime Poll
• I refuse to believe Christian Slater is not Jack Nicholson’s clone, possibly being primed as an organ donor
• Was Shannen Doherty wearing geisha makeup or something? I mean it takes some work to be paler than Winona Ryder.
• The Sharper Image poster in the frat house?

Groovey Quotes:

J.D.: Now that you’re dead, what are you gonna do with your life?

"You know, in hindsight I think I should have stuck with the milk and orange juice"

Veronica: Betty Finn was my best friend and I sold her out for Swatch Dogs and Diet Coke Heads.

Pauline: Whether or not to commit suicide is one of the most important decisions a teenager can make.

Veronica: What is your damage, Heather?

Heather McNamara: Suicide is a private thing.
Veronica: You’re throwing your life away to become a statistic on U. S. A. Today; that’s about the least private thing I can think of.

Veronica: If you think I’m doing another suicide note you’re wrong!
J.D.: You don’t get it do you? Society nods its head at any horror the American teenager can think upon itself. Nobody is going to care about exact handwriting.

J.D.: Seven schools in seven states and the only thing different is my locker combination.

Heather Duke: Hi, everybody. Door was open. Veronica, did you hear? We were doing Chinese at the food fair, when it comes over the radio that Martha Dumptruck tried to buy the farm. She belly-flopped in front of a car wearing a suicide note.
Veronica: Is she dead?
Heather: No… that’s the punchline. She’s alive, and in stable condition. Just another case of a geek trying to imitate the popular people and failing miserably.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Better Off Dead
• Mean Girls
• Very Bad Things