Drew does Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

“My father was a wheel! The first wheel! And do you know what he transformed into? Nothing! But he did it with honor!”

The Scoop: 2009 PG-13, directed by Michael Bay and starring Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, and Megan Fox’s breasts in slow motion

Tagline: Revenge is coming.

Summary Capsule: Special effects gurus secure themselves an Oscar nomination by hiding Megan Fox’s tattoos for 2 1/2 hours. Also, giant transforming robots.

Drew’s Rating: Because “Transformers: The Decepticons Strike Back” would’ve been a little too on the nose.

Drew’s Review: My children, I come bearing good news and bad news. Before we get into that, recall that in my review of Michael Bay’s first Transformers movie, I opined that those looking for an explosive action flick who had no prior connection to the Transformers might well enjoy it, but anyone with an attachment to the source material should steer clear at all costs. (I was happy to later learn that I’m not alone in that assessment, warning: naughty language.) Obviously quite a few of you fell into the first category since the film garnered eleventy jillion dollars, so here we are two years later with the inevitable sequel, which brings us to the aforementioned news. The good news is: if you are one of those people who don’t care about the Transformers, this movie is exactly like the first one, only bigger. The bad news is: if you’re someone who does care about the Transformers, this movie is exactly like the first one, only bigger. Get the picture?

Let’s talk plot, because there actually is a plot, just a bit of one. It’s two years later and the Autobots are working with the U.S. military to find and destroy rogue Decepticons hiding on Earth. Certain politicians think the ‘cons are only here to continue the war and thus want the Autobots to leave, but certain politicians are wrong – the Decepticons are actually searching for an ancient device that will generate limitless energon (hey, remember that episode where the Decepticons all got drunk on energon? How great was that?) by destroying the sun. The machine was created by a legendary Decepticon known only as “the Fallen” thousands of years ago and then lost; but when Spike (LaBeouf) accidentally finds a sliver of the AllSpark remaining on his old shirt right before heading off to college, he again finds himself caught up in the war between Autobots and Decepticons. Before long Spike and Mikaela (Fox) are racing to find the device before a revived Megatron can help the Fallen to unearth it and have his revenge. And then? Lots of stuff ’splodes.

Before we go any further, let me clarify a point: much ado has been made about the supposedly racial stereotype Autobot brothers, but having seen the movie, I can safely say… it’s exactly as offensive as you’ve heard. Two robots who, among other things, don’t like to read, have gold teef, and call each other “p***y” (and a society of primarily male robots even knows what one of those is how, exactly?) — seriously, they’re one step away from telling the old Cybertronian fable of Br’er Dinobot and the tar baby. I’m honestly surprised Michael Bay didn’t include a Decepticon with slanted optical receptors who bows and says, “Ah no, Meesa Megatlon, stupid Autobots escape. Me so velly solly, it no happen again.” Then he transforms into a car and swerves all over the road. I’m being slightly facetious, but they’re certainly the worst racial stereotypes since The Phantom Menace and will make you nostalgic for the enlightened days of “What’s crackin’, little bitches?” What indeed, Jazz?

Lest I present an unbalanced viewpoint, there were some good elements too. Maybe Bay’s best move was bringing Frank Welker back from the old cartoon to voice Soundwave. Hearing that inhuman, modulated voice intone “Decepticons, mobilize” will really grip your spit in a way the rest of the movie mostly fails to do. The fight scenes are more hit than miss, including a cool forest battle where Optimus Prime takes on Megatron, Starscream, and one of those other interchangeable bad guys from the first movie. Plus, while my brain tells me the idea of an aged Transformer with whiskers who needs a cane to walk is ludicrous, somehow I can’t bring myself to dislike Jetfire, and the idea of making him an SR-71 Blackbird was inspired. And while I’m not sure this really qualifies as “good,” the movie’s Joe Pesci version of Wheelie is every bit as annoying as that little rhyming bastard from the cartoon. God, you just wanted to punch and punch and punch him…

*ahem* Where was I? Positives aside, for the second time running it’s not so much the plot that sinks the movie, even though Mr. Burns was a more credible threat to the sun than these guys. Don’t get me wrong, the plot’s not great, it has plenty of holes (Starscream was growing new Transformers in pods, like they’re peas or something?), but whatever, so did the old series. Instead, the disastrous element is Bay’s stubborn insistence on injecting “humor” into a movie that doesn’t need it. If you tell me the concept of ancient warring robots who change into things and fight isn’t enough to carry a movie by itself, you are dumb. If you tell me said concept can only be improved by the addition of humping dogs, horny mini-Transformers who are attracted to humans, a mom who gets stoned on pot brownies, and bumbling robot blackface minstrels, you are really, really dumb. And I know you, you’re not dumb… in which case, you see our problem. Sure, the action sequences are choppy at times, the story’s thinner than Kate Moss, and Megatron still doesn’t transform into a gun, but all that stuff’s incidental. The biggest error remains the addition of fifth-grade humor to a franchise that didn’t even feature that in its first incarnation, when it was actually aimed at children.

And so, here we are. Once again I’m left vowing that if they ever release an edited version of the film that splices out all the failed attempts at comedy and the unnecessary human interaction (read: 90% of it), I will gladly plop down my money for at least a rental. Until then, I have to advise steering clear. You’re going to see it anyway, of course — hell, everyone went to the first one — but please, at least wait until it comes out on DVD. I promise you, it’s less than meets the eye.

Little do you know, her boobs transform into an extra $1.5 million per picture

Didja Notice?

• The college scenes were shot at the University of Pennsylvania (meh) and Princeton University (woo!). Oddly, I didn’t recognize any of the architecture from Princeton. If I ever decide to see the movie again, I’ll have to look for it.
• Aaron the long-suffering presidential bodyguard from 24 is the general. Has Glenn Morshower ever played a civilian?
• There’s something profoundly wrong about an Autobot ice cream truck with a decal reading “Decepticons, suck my popsicle.”
• For the second movie running, they don’t explain why the Allspark only creates evil robots.
• Spike’s pretty grateful to Bumblebee for saving his, Sparkplug’s and Judy’s lives. “Get in the garage!”
• Remember kids, that’s S-T-A-T-E F-A-R-M. Be sure to tell mommy and daddy!
• I always wondered whether Spike’s mom heard him losing his virginity. Good to finally have that answered.
• College has changed in the last seven years. Back then girls didn’t start dancing on tables until the end of the night, and it wasn’t the attractive ones.
• It is pretty hilarious that Megatron boasts to Starscream, “Even in death, there is no command but mine”… and then literally ten seconds later, calls the Fallen “my master.”
• Bad Boys II, Michael Bay? If you have to endlessly reference your own movies, keep it to the better ones, huh? Ain’t nothing wrong with Bad Boys I.
• If it’s so important that Spike be kept alive, you’d think the Decepticons might be a bit more careful than, you know, dropping him from several stories up. On purpose.
• PRIIIIIIIIIME!!!
• I’m sorry, I’m sorry… the government just supposedly covered up the events of the last movie from the general public? I guess as far as all-out assaults on L.A. in front of thousands of witnesses go, it was pretty discreet.
• The Autobot base is in New Jersey? Hell yeah.
• Bumblebee’s got a real fondness for Tom Hanks.
• Yeah, it’s probably pretty easy to drive a Camaro through the desert.
• No car chase is complete unless a fruit stand gets destroyed. I think it’s union regulations or something.
• Is it even possible for anyone born after 1978 to see a neon green dump truck and not immediately think “Devastator”?
• Arise, Rodimus Optimus Prime!

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

There are two scenes, both of them at the beginning of the credits. Mikaela kisses Spike and rides off on a motorcycle, and Spike gets welcomed back to his Astronomy class.

Intermission!

Jetfire (called “Skyfire” on the cartoon) was a former friend of Starscream’s when they were both scientists. Crash landing on Earth before Cybertron’s civil war started, he was discovered thousands of years later and revived. Starscream initially recruited him to the Decepticons, but Jet/Skyfire rejected their violent ways and joined the Autobots instead. The idea of him combining with Optimus Prime to make the latter more powerful stems from recent cartoon series Transformers Armada, as well as from the comics, where Prime died but came back later with advanced armor as “Powermaster Optimus Prime.”  Additionally, Jetfire’s teleportation ability may have been borrowed from one of Starscream’s old cronies, Skywarp.

In this film, Megatron still transforms into a Cybertronian jet but also displays a tank form, a nod to the original toy line. Initially Megatron changed into a very realistic-looking Walther P38 handgun. However, after toy laws became more stringent in the late 80’s, lifelike toy guns could no longer be sold. Thus, when the Transformers toy line was revived in 1993, he was re-envisioned as an M1 Abrams tank. (The comic storyline accompanying this explained that Megatron’s original body was destroyed and, in a Transformers/G.I. Joe crossover, Cobra found his remains and constructed a new body for him.)

In the original cartoon, Soundwave (whose face the Decepticon logo is based on) transformed into a cassette player, and Ravage was one of his tapes that transformed into a jaguar. For the movie, Soundwave was reimagined as an orbiting satellite, but in a nod to his original form, he still fires Ravage out of his chest.

The cartoon version of Arcee was a female Autobot, introduced in the animated movie and featured prominently in the third season. In the comic continuity, Optimus Prime had her created on Earth as an attempt to appease angry feminists accusing the all-male Transformers of sexism. (The protestors ultimately viewed Arcee as a token gesture and remained upset anyway, but the story’s worth it just to hear Jazz describe the difference between genders as “it appears to be something to do with the upper chassis design…”) For RotF, Arcee was reimagined as a trio of motorcycles/robots who share a 3-in-1 hive mind.

The Fallen’s origins lie with a comic miniseries from 2003 that told stories set in the Transformers’ past on Cybertron. He was one of the original thirteen Transformers, but rebelled against his creator Primus to ally with Primus’ enemy Unicron.

Groovy Quotes

Epps [about Optimus Prime]: You gotta wonder – if God made us in His image, who made him? 

Galloway: Soldier, you’re paid to shoot, not talk.
Epps: Don’t tempt me.

Bumblebee: Houston, we have a problem.

Wheelie [about Mikaela]: You’re hot, but you ain’t too bright.

Megatron: Is the future of our race not worth a single human life?
Optimus Prime: You’ll never stop at one.

Spike: Can you read this?
Skids: Read? Unh-uh.
Mudflap: We don’t… we don’t really do much reading.

Simmons: What you’re about to see is top secret. Do NOT tell my mother.

Jetfire: My father was a wheel! The first wheel! And do you know what he transformed into? Nothing! But he did it with honor!

Starscream: Not to call you a coward, master… but, sometimes, cowards do survive.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Transformers
• The Transformers: The Movie
• Armageddon