I decree that this particular DHD be a tribute to all those MST3K moments that, whether or not they make us laugh, surely make us scratch our heads and wonder if we’ve just been mentally violated.

Because these moments really should be seen, rather than read about, I tried very hard to get working video clips of each Insane Moment. All episodes are available on DVD,  so make sure to go out and buy these fantastic creations so that you may enjoy them in all their glory.

Everyone drag out your hallucinogens and your tie-dyed T-shirts, ’cause we’re about to go on a trip as I present:

Six of the Most Insane MST3K Moments!

#6. Joel terminates the Holo-Clowns

This is a short skit at the beginning of episode 406, Attack of the Giant Leeches. It’s a carry-over from the last episode where Joel had set up a clown sequence to cheer up the ‘bots (clowns played by Kevin Murphy and Mike Nelson). Unfortunately the clowns have been clowning nonstop for three weeks, when three minutes of clowns is more than enough. The whole crew is at their breaking point and Joel is cutting them loose because “it’s getting hard to sleep at night and [he's] tasting metal”. For most of us just the mere mention of the word “clown” could make us regress into a vegetative state. Stick Mike Nelson in there as a clown who’d rather bludgeon you with his shoe than look at you and things take on a whole other level of pants-wettingly scary. Finally Joel succeeds in cutting the wires controlling the Hex Field, amid anguished screams from the clowns and horrified screams from the crew. Just start this baby up and let ‘er play through the one and half minutes of credits before you’re dunked into the acid bath of terror.

Taste the metal…

Warped Quote: “Hey, little girl…would you like a salted nut roll?”

This is on a website called Furries For Life...why, Google Image Search? Why?!

#5.  Cowboy Mike’s Own Original Red-Hot Rick-o-SHAAAAYY Barbecue Sauce

This daft bit hails from the underdog episode 612, Starfighters-a movie about abso-freaking-lutely nothing but jets refueling. It’s a testament to the genius of the show’s writers that they were able to make anything remotely watchable out of this. No worries…the not-so-brave need not sit through this one to enjoy the hilarious BBQ-sauce skit. As with the Holo Clowns act, we’re thrown right into a snake pit of crazy when Dr. Forrester opens the episode trying to introduce Mike and the bots to his newest invention which consists of some wires strung from his head to Frank’s.  He barely gets started when Mike breaks in with a growling dare to take on some of Mike’s ricochet barbeque sauce. Mike’s down-turned Elvis mouth, the (literal) ten gallon hats he and the bots are wearing, the hats getting “shot” off every time they scream “Rick-O-SHAAAAYYYY”, and Crow’s hilarious screeching of the word “BOOOOOLLLD!” all make this one of my favorite skits.

This skit has nothing to do with anything. It just is. Enjoy

But Clay, do you think it might be….bold?

Warped Quote: “There is no known antydote for new Extry Bold Mike’s Own Original Red-Hot Rick-O-SHAAAAAYYYYY Barbecue Sauce!”

#4 The Ugly Side of the Orville Redenbacher Empire

No. Just....no.

There’s nothing quite like the awkward feeling one gets witnessing a good old dysfunctional family breakdown. The tension in the air, sweat breaking out on your brow, eyes darting towards the nearest exit as the years of bottled up mental anguish and family hate boil toward the surface and threatens set the whole house aflame and you with it. Ah good times, good times. And now, thanks to the friendly crew at MST3K, you can relive those moments over and over with our next insane moment: The Orville Redenbacher Skit.

Like the BBQ sequence, this one really has no purpose or reason other than to serve your brain a healthy glass of WTF (now part of this complete breakfast!). Tom and Crow, never ones to shy away from their truly unique and terrifying form of LARPING, act as Orville’s reluctant heir and the aging popcorn mogul, respectively. Tom, as Orville’s grandson, tries repeatedly to carry on with a commercial for the popcorn and ignore Crow, who heckles and belittles him. The scene escalates into screaming and Tom’s bitter tears before Joel finally steps in and ends the madness, to the relief of all.

You can find this host segment in episode 212, Godzilla vs. Megalon, about an hour and twelve minutes in.

Awaiting you to shed this mortal, pock-marked coil!

Warped Quote: Tom: “….and our new Popcorn Au Gratin has new real cheese flavor!”

Crow: “Good, you should get used to it ‘cause you’re gonna be eating a lot of cheese….government cheese!”

#3 Joel and the trip-tastic Pod People scene

Oh, my friends. If you haven’t seen this episode then you are missing out on what I think is one of the best pieces of work the MST3K group has done. This movie is just one insane moment, but what really took it over the edge what starts out with a kid teaching an alien to play, and ends with the alien turning the child’s room into a Peter Gabriel video. Clothes fly through the air, shoes scoot in and out of the closet, and a Simon Says jitters around the floor like a demonic Roomba …all to the beat of some moronic circus-type music. Fun!

Around an hour and thirteen minutes in we see Joel and the ‘bots playing out the maddening scene for themselves. The camera swings in and out nauseatingly as random objects and a screaming Tom float up and down, Joel jogs and turns in place, and a banana whizzes past the screen, all to the tune of that darned catchy circus dreck. Ever once in a while we cut to the ‘Mads, who can only stare, mouths agape and speechless at what’s happening. We know, guys. We know.

'Cause they never do anything out of the ordinary.

Huzzah!

Flying bananas!

Warped Quote: “Trumpy, you can do stupid things!”

#2 Mike and the ‘bots dabble in children’s television

Numero dos has the list’s only entry featuring Pearl, Brain Guy and Bobo. In episode 811, Parts: The Clonus Horror, finds our space travelers carting along some space orphans acquired in a previous episode. They are vicious little terrors, to the point that Pearl finally asks Mike to help her. Unfortunately for her, she asks him to act out some children’s programming to keep the brats busy. You must know that this is a bad, bad idea.

Things begin well, with Mike and the ‘bots performing a sickeningly sweet Sesame Street type of program teaching the kids about “A” and “3”. This (and the well-timed arrival of “fruit leathers”) placates the children and Pearl attempts to sneak off. Just when she’s almost made it, things take a horrifying turn. The SOL crew quickly switches to Espanol and jiggle around amidst disco lights in junk-scrunchingly tight silver spandex.

The children, and our souls, weep openly.

You’re in molasses swamp!

Warped Quote: “Aqua.”      ………….       “Aqua!”

Stop it, MST3K, just stop it!

#1. DON’T GIVE MIKEY NO MATCHES!

You’ve made it to the end, my friends. Together we have braved dancing furniture, soulless clowns, BBQ sauce…a journey like this deserves the highest of awards: You’re about to have your brain punted right out your skull. Then stomped on. With dull cleats.

There is just nothing in this skit that doesn’t make you want to laugh out loud and simultaneously rip out your eyes out. It’s that freakish. In episode 623, Amazing Transparent Man, we find Frank and Dr. Forrester opening a bed and breakfast together (the less said about this, the better). In an effort to add some local color and charm to the atmosphere, they forcefully enlist the help of their captives and have them dress up in “quaint” country folk apparel. Let us for now and for always remember that one never, EVER should ask these guys for help.

What ensues could easily be a scene from Deliverance, with a little Wrong Turn thrown in. Kevin Murphy, Mike Nelson, and Trace Beaulieu were just brilliant as the tyrannical farmer, slack-jawed idiot, and…”pet”….llama? Everyone plays this scene to ultimate creepy perfection, and I have to say this is some of the best puppetry I’ve seen from Trace, ever. Okay, I’m sorry but this one really has me speechless. Just watch it, regardless of what you have to do. I promise it’s not a segment you’ll easily forget.

Just don’t blame me for your psychiatrist’s bills.

Touch this smelly ‘ole llama!

Warped Quote: Everything everyone says.

The Scoop: 2009, Directed by Jeffrey Reiner  and starring Eric Stoltz, Esai Morales, and Paula Malcomson

Tagline: “The battle for humanity has a beginning.”

Summary Capsule: A teenage girl thinks her father doesn’t know all that much… and boy, in this case she’s right.

Lissa’s Rating: By… your… command….

Lissa’s Review: Once upon a time, I was a Harry Potter geek.  And when I say geek, I mean it.  I could kick anyone’s butt at trivia.  I knew what a kappa was and how it was different from a grindylow, the name of Fleur Delacoeur’s little sister, and Harry’s full course schedule for each semester.  I was in the fandom, and I read the books the second they were in my hands and I saw the movies the week they came out.  The only things I never did were attend a midnight release party or go to a convention.  And don’t get me wrong when I use the past tense – I still love Harry and his friends.  But the story came to an end, and I no longer need to know what happened next.  Sure, I had issues with aspects of Deathly Hallows – that’s part of being a fan, you get to blow stuff out of proportion.  But the story definitely ended, and I truly felt like it had done so.  And given that I was still at home and still had my mind wandering into fantasy realms, I got turned on to Battlestar Galactica.

It’s not a secret, I think, that I love Battlestar Galactica as much as I loved Harry Potter.  It’s a great series with a lot of room for speculation.  And it had that lethal combination of characterization and mystery – I got invested in the characters and I HAD to know what happened next.  It was one of those series where so much depended on this huge, intriguing backstory that strongly influenced the present day.  During Season 4.5, you just did not call this house at 10:00 on a Friday night.

However, also like Harry Potter, Battlestar Galactica has come to an end.  And yes, I had Issues with the finale (how much more literal of a deus ex machina can we get?) and with the whole last season (Deadlocked, would it have killed someone to pin a few pictures on the Wall?).  But at the same time, I was satisfied that the story of Adama, Roslin, and their ragtag Fleet had ended, and although I might not love how everything was handled, I didn’t need to know what happened next.  As far as I was concerned, this show was done.

Reopening canon because a sticky prospect after you’ve wrapped.  Aside from obnoxious fans like myself that will complain if you contradict yourself, you have to deal with the audience’s sense of closure.  Going back and revisiting stories doesn’t often work.  As much as fans might want more, sometimes it’s best to let things lie.  But if you must play in your same universe, it’s best to remove yourself from the story you were telling.

Enter the pilot for Caprica, Ron Moore’s new show.

Instead of focusing on the story of the Battlestar Galactica, Moore steps back in time forty years, back before the first Cylon war to the creation of the Cylons.  Instead of the military, the pilot focuses on a computer mogul Daniel Greystone (Eric Stoltz) and his wife and daughter.  However, to tie it in to the Battlestar Galactica world we all know and love, we also meet Joseph Adama (Esai Morales), a lawyer being dragged into the world of organized crime and raising his pre-teen son Bill.  The two families are brought together by a terrorist attack that takes place on a train, costing both fathers their daughters.  Along they way, they invent Cylons and probably sell their souls.

I have to admit, I was kind of dubious.  The last half season of Battlestar Galactica had some awesome moments, but it had some episodes I despised.  (Did I mention Deadlocked yet?)  And like I said, I wasn’t thrilled with the finale, especially on reflection.  Did I want to go back to the world of RDM, or had he lost all his fire?  Had he used up all his ideas?  I kind of got that feeling at times.

Well, I think he did lose his fire for Battlestar Galactica, but not for Caprica.  If this series actually makes it on the stupidly renamed SyFy (really?  They were worried about appearing geeky?  On a SCI FI channel?), I’ll be watching.

As a stand-alone movie, Caprica doesn’t particularly satisfy.  I don’t mean that in terms of having watched Battlestar Galactica, but it’s most definitely a pilot.  The ending leaves you wanting more.  Which, since this IS a pilot for a TV series, is a good thing.  And right now, I’m pleased with how the two series are tying together.  It’s interesting to see some of the politics and infighting, not to mention the culture that we really haven’t seen because it was lost in the miniseries.  There are very few spaceships, and even as the budget increases I don’t anticipate there being many more, but if you liked the Laura Roslin side of things, that shouldn’t bother you too much.  Plus, this being RDM, I’m sure he’ll find a way to cram in plenty of sex and violence, even without space porn.  Just say V-Club.

That said, although I appreciate the bits and pieces that make this the same universe, I have to say, don’t fall into George Lucas’s trap, Ron.  Which one specifically?  The one where the eight most important people in the first movies all turn out to have known each other or be related to each other previously.  Seeing a young William Adama in Caprica is fine, especially as Joseph Adama was a part of the BSG canon.  And I don’t mind a reference to the Lampkin family, as again, it’s canon that Romo Lampkin knew Joseph Adama.  But that’s it.  I don’t want to see Bill Adama exchange portentous glimpses with a young Laura Roslin or declare to his father “I’ll never like her.”  I don’t want to see the Thrace family brought in, I don’t want to see an Agathon as one of Greystone’s employees, I don’t want to see a Gaeta family member clerking for Adama.  Given how huge the Colonies were and how many billions of people were killed and how many thousands of people survived, just no.  Hopefully, Ron Moore is smart enough to realize this.

However, there were some things that tied into events on BSG, and I really appreciated those.  For example, the whole monotheistic cult?  Yeah, that was actually already going on Caprica.  I liked that, because during the show, it basically looked like the people believing in the one true God were adapting the Cylon religion.  Crazier things have happened, I’m sure, and given that the Cylons were winning, I could see the appeal of worshiping their God.  But it made more sense to me that it was a movement that had started on the Colonies and extended to the survivors.  Little things like that… they might be retcons, but when they work, they’re good.

Anyway, the storyline was intriguing and the characters were the shades of gray that Ron Moore likes so much, and overall, I was impressed enough that I’ll watch.  Granted, it helps that BSG is off the air, Heroes has been mostly sucking, and LOST utterly confusing.  Right now, the only sci-fi show I’ve found worth watching his been Fringe.  (Well, once we’re past the summer, anyway.)  But Ron Moore’s got to be extremely careful.  Not only does he have extremely rabid fans and a big task ahead of him, it doesn’t take a genius to start calling Caprica “Craprica”.   When you’ve got a built-in insult like that, your show had better not suck.

It’s not enough for a TV show to be watched; it must be worthy of being watched.  So say we all.

Didja Notice?

• Little Bill Adama eating ice cream.  Come on- it is kind of cute.  (Hope he brushes his teeth after.)
• Maybe not all the One True God people will be hot young women.
• How much of the virtual club will get edited before this is broadcast?
• Bear McCreary, who scored BSG, is also scoring Caprica.

Groovy Quotes:

Zoe Greystone:  I’m not a person, I know it. But I feel like one.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Battlestar Galactica (the series)
• The Matrix
• Gattaca

I like Undeclared better than Freaks and Geeks.

Sorry. I know I just invalidated the entire rest of this article for many of you, but I gotta be me. And “me” is a guy who likes about a 90/10 split between his comedy and drama. There’s no denying that Freaks was an excellent show with more than its share of funny moments, but the focus on laughs over all else makes Undeclared the preferred Judd Apatow vehicle in my eyes. I hope I have not brought shame on my family, and that you will continue reading on through your disgust.

The obligatory background: after critical darling Freaks and Geeks met with a much-lamented cancellation, creator Judd Apatow decided to spearhead a new show, this time about college life. After pouring his heart and soul into Freaks and having them crushed, his intent was to make a breezy comedy that he wouldn’t have to stress about, a half hour show to Freaks’ hour because clearly that would only be half the work. This failed miserably on all levels. As Apatow humorously reflects in his introduction to the Undeclared DVD, “I worked more hours than ever. I quickly learned that a half hour comedy is way harder to produce than an hour drama. With Freaks, if a scene wasn’t funny, we called it drama. With Undeclared, if it wasn’t funny, it just wasn’t funny.” Throw in major casting issues — the plan was to bring in numerous Freaks alums as main cast members, but only one (Seth Rogen) was approved by network execs, though many others became guest stars — and you can understand Apatow’s frustration. Add to that the fact that it STILL didn’t work, with Undeclared being canceled after one season just like its predecessor, and is it any wonder Apatow made the leap to cinema and hasn’t looked back? Probably not… but at least he left us with two great albeit shortlived shows before he did. Well, and the knowledge that he sent FOX executives a note reading, “How can you #?!* me in the @##$!?% again when your =%!# is still in there from last time?” Which, as far as I’m concerned, is just icing on the cake. But enough history, what’s this show all about?

Like most of us, Steven Karp (Jay Baruchel) has decided he is absolutely going to be cooler in college than he was in high school. And like some of us, he appears to be succeeding, at least at first: partnered with handsome British roommate Lloyd (Charlie Hunnam), who drops skirts with a single toss of his flowing locks, Steven attends a party and even loses his virginity his first night on campus. For her part, devirginizer Lizzie (cute-as-a-button Carla Gallo, known to Superbad fans) was just looking to cut loose and mentally free herself from clingy boyfriend Eric (Jason Segal, in a hilarious and fortunately recurring guest role), but now finds herself the target of a puppy dog crush. Of course, Steven’s other roommates Ron (Rogen) and Marshall (Timm Sharp) have their own ideas about how to make this the best freshman year ever, none of which include letting Steven’s recently-separated dad Hal (Loudon Wainwright III) crash on their couch. Oh well… maybe Steven can be cool sophomore year.

It’s trite to say so, but a big part of what makes Undeclared work is that, much like Freaks did for high school, it actually feels like college. Beyond the obligatory unrealistically large dorm rooms (a necessity if you want more than two camera angles), it’s the realistic little touches that make it – things like the girls going to class in sweatpants and no makeup, or the guys playing 4-player video games and cursing each other out. This is stuff we all went through in college, whether it’s being sexiled from your room, or getting a credit card and immediately overspending, or stealing liberating food from the dining hall. Apatow has lamented that the reason most college shows suck is because the things people actually experiment with in college — drugs, alcohol, sex — aren’t network friendly, leading to watered-down dreck. I don’t doubt that’s true, but I will say that Undeclared doesn’t gloss over the drinking and sex, at least. And while I never pledged a fraternity or worked a campus job in college, I don’t doubt for a minute that the experiences as portrayed in Undeclared are spot-on; and this from a man who HAS swallowed a live goldfish before, thank you very much.

Of course, it helps that the characters are mostly engaging and three dimensional. Jay Baruchel is endearingly awkward as Steven and pulls off the “geek trying to go against the grain” vibe well, and my main complaint about Seth Rogen from Freaks (that his character didn’t get enough to do) is eliminated here, as Ron gets several plotlines focusing on him and some of the best lines to boot. I’ll offer that it’s a good thing Carla Gallo is cute, because between sleeping around on all of her love interests and unintentionally manipulating them, Lizzie isn’t always the most likable of characters, but it’s hard to stay mad at her. Marshall and especially Rachel sadly feel the most underdeveloped as characters, a situation that might have been rectified in the second season, but alas, we’ll never know.

I promise not to ramble on, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t briefly mention the outstanding guest stars. For a single season they really packed ‘em in, building episodes around major names like Adam Sandler (and his perennial entourage), Will Ferrell, and Ted Nugent, as well as giving recurring guest roles to Amy Poehler and most of the Freaks cast. (In one episode where Samm Levine guest stars as a fraternity president, the frat vandalizes the guys’ room, and the words “Greeks Not Freaks” can be seen spray-painted on the wall.) Even stars-to-be like Tom “Smallville” Welling and a pre-The Office Jenna Fischer appear in bit parts. As a final act of rebellion after learning they were cancelled, the writers decided to barely feature the main cast in the final episode and instead devoted much of it to Lizzie’s ex-boyfriend Eric (Jason Segal) and his Copy Shop coworkers David “10 Things I Hate About You” Krumholz and Kyle “Tenacious D” Gass, as well as Eric’s stepdad Ben “prototype for my character in Dodgeball” Stiller. That’s cheeky, and I dig it.

The DVD set contains a few choice goodies, including auditions, rehearsals, and a script planned for season 2, but the best special feature is the booklet that comes with it, a guide to the 17 episodes (plus a heavily reworked version of one) that features members of the cast and crew weighing in on every episode. Seth Rogen’s entries alone are worth the price of the set, like when he describes getting crap for writing himself a make-out scene with guest star Busy Phillips, and then accidentally getting an erection. (Look for it.) It’s also a fascinating peek into the creative process, as Brent Forrester describes late night writing sessions at Judd Apatow’s house where they delay work as long as possible by eating junk food and Apatow gradually gets more and more intense, saying things like, “Are you ready for the magic? A little more cake, and I am going to bring it.” For some reason I find that hilarious. Almost as hilarious as Jay Baruchel’s insistence that his character wear jean shorts, because c’mon… jorts!

So that is why I thoroughly enjoy Undeclared. You may never agree with me that it’s a better show than Freaks and Geeks, and I can live with that — I’ve long since accepted I’m in the minority on that one. But hopefully I’ve at least convinced you that it’s worth checking out. The DVD set isn’t too expensive, and even though Wikipedia would have you believe the episodes are arranged out of order on the DVDs, that is a damn lie. For shame, Wikipedia. (The booklet lists them in improper order, but they’re correct on the discs themselves, so maybe it was a running change.) Anyway, that’s all I’ve got. I realize it’s kind of an abrupt ending, but in proper college spirit, it’s beer o’clock and I’ve got to be drunk by beer thirty. See ya!

Hilarious Quotes:

Professor Duggan: When I’m lecturing I expect you to listen. This is not high school. You’re paying good money for an education.
Marshall: Well, yeah. That’s the whole point. I am paying good money, and I think you should try to be less boring.

Steven: I thought I saw an ad for a job at an art supply store.
Perry: That job doesn’t exist. For some reason hot girls like art, so I just put that in there to get numbers. My palm pilot is bursting.

Lloyd: Alright, Mr. Magoo, time to leave. Rebecca’s going to be here any second.
Steven: Okay, well, have fun, and in case you need me I’ll be sleeping on that disgusting-ass little couch right there that Ron puked on the other night. Thanks.

Marshall: You’re really smart.
Rachel: Thanks.
Marshall: And you’re pretty. You’re smart and pretty. Like a dolphin.
Rachel: Thanks.

School Video Show Guy: Coming up next we have a generic R&B video. I don’t know who it’s by, but I bet they’ll have a shot of a guy without his shirt on spinning around in the rain.

Steven: Excuse me. Am I like interrupting a slumber party or something?
Nicola: No. Our roommates are having sex. How about you?
Steven: Yeah. He is.

Lizzie: What do you think?
Ron: Is that… as big as your boobs get?
Lizzie: Oh! I have a shirt for that.
Ron: Ah. I knew you would.

Ron: She’ll tell her friends across the pond and my name will be like the secret inside joke for bad sex. “How was your shag?” “Oh, I got Ronned! He Ronned me! It was terrible.”

Lloyd: In every man resides a fighter, Steven.
Steven: Where? Does he hide in my ass?

Perry: I cannot believe Steven is joining those guys. That kid could not become a bigger dork if he went on the road following the Dave Matthews Band.

Marshall: Every night after Ron falls asleep, I ah… ah, do what young men do. In my bed.
Ron: You do it after I go to sleep?
Marshall: Yeah.
Ron: I do it every night after you go to sleep!
Marshall: But you’re snoring by the time I’m doing it.
Ron: I’m pretending to snore so you don’t think that I’m doing it!
Marshall: God, Ron!
Ron: So we’re doing it at the same time?
Marshall: That’s horrible, Ron!

Marshall: That was awesome!
Ron: That was pretty cool.
Lloyd: Awesome that was not.
Marshall: Why not? Why wasn’t it?
Lloyd: I’ve been thinking this might happen for awhile, but this is sooner than I thought. We have become their brothers.
Marshall: So?
Lloyd: So I understand where you’re from, being someone’s brother may not necessarily eliminate sexual possibilities. For Ron, myself and Steven, this spells trouble.

Marshall: Dude, get out of here.
Ron: Why?
Marshall: Because Lloyd’s about to pick a girl, then the others are going to disperse, and then I’m gonna get the slowest and the weakest one, now go, he’s about to pick one!

Lloyd: What if this is the perfect girl? They all might be the one, and you don’t know until you sleep with them. All of them.

#1- The Doctor and The Master

The Master attempts to "hug it out".

The Doctor is a compassionate Timelord from the planet Gallifrey who thwarts monsters, aliens, gods, and demons through the use of his intelligence, an intrinsic knowledge of the workings of space/time, and a nifty sonic screwdriver. Throughout time and space, The Doctor has been plagued by his former best friend: a rival Timelord who became determined to utterly conquer all creation after staring into the “untempered schism” and going batpoop crazy. Evenly matched in intelligence, determination and gadgets, these two enemies have battled across tesseracts, supernovas, nebulae and down the street from the Circle K. Along with the desire to control the universe, The Master’s primary driving force seems to be torturing his former friend. When he became desperate to prolong his life after squandering his 13 lifespans, it was The Doctor’s regenerations that he attempted to steal, despite having an entire planet of Timelords (and all their regenerations) at his disposal. After the Time War and the destruction of his home planet, The Doctor spent many years thinking he alone was the only remaining Timelord. Imagine his surprise when the good-natured Professor Yana, a kindly old scientist at the end of the universe turned out to be none other than The Master, long hidden after retreating from the Time War and posing as a human. More of a match for The Doctor than ever after regenerating into John Simm, The Master became the Prime Minister of Great Britain, got married, and utilized his Laser Screwdriver to turn the The Doctor into a little wrinkled monkey-like homunculus.

Little wrinkled monkey-like homunculus

He was ultimately defeated by The Doctor’s companion Martha Jones and shot down by his own wife, and then out of sheer spite didn’t regenerate to save his own life, leaving the Doctor as the “Last of the Timelords” once more.

When you’re willing to die just to be a jerk, that’s true evil.

#2- Spiderman and Venom

Venom: “We live for moments like these spider-man. Me…Eddie Brock beating you down like the week-kneed little boy you are and then leaving you here, broken and bloodied, knowing that anytime we want we can come back and do it again.”

Yeah, he's scary, but that symbiote is gonna be useless after Labor Day.

Peter Parker has more than his fair share of problems. In point of fact, he’s probably the only guy in history whose life actually got worse when he got super powers. When you take the existence of Venom into account, you really have to wonder if all comic book writers don’t just loath not only Spiderman, but also everyone who happens to be standing close to him. Eddie Brock had the all the powers, twice the strength and the added bonus of not setting off Peter’s spider-sense, due to being bonded with Spiderman’s costume from an alien world; a symbiote grafted to his nervous system and feeding off his adrenaline. Venom was the penultimate dark version of Spiderman in terms of powers, looks, and even in terms of personality. Venom had a twisted conscience providing a parallel to Spiderman’s “power and responsibility” schpiel, espousing a fanatical zeal to protect innocents…unless said innocents get in the way of his revenge. Eddie Brock and the Symbiote were permanently separated in recent years and the symbiote was inherited by Mac Gargan, AKA the Scorpion. Sometime later Eddie became a warped version his old self due to the remaining venom cells in his body and a touch from Mister Negative. He became Anti-venom, ironically becoming the new Venom’s arch enemy, after this little exchange:

That's cold, Eddie.

#3- Captain Marvel and Black Adam

Black Adam: “In every shape, color and size, for as long as time is marked, it will always be a world of dictators.”

The driving force behind the aggression of most mirror image arch enemies is the choices that each antagonist chooses to make. The evil counterpart made the wrong choices and now wields their weapons/powers/abilities against humankind, leaving the hero to think “there but for the grace of God go I”. The hero makes all the right choices, defending humankind and making themselves a constant reminder to the villain that they were ultimately too weak to rise above their situations. This dichotomy has never been more clearly pronounced than in the acrimony between the two champions of the wizard Shazam. The first champion of the powerful wizard was imbued with his powers eight thousand years ago in ancient Egypt. His name was Teth Adam, and he was a servant to the pharaoh. It wasn’t long before he figured that since he had the super powers, HE should wear the daddy pants. He overthrew the pharaoh and assumed the throne. Many years later When Captain Marvel was chosen as Shazam’s latest avatar and shared his powers with Mary Marvel and Captain Marvel Jr. to form the Marvel  Family (now on tour with Hannah Montana), Teth, now known as Black Adam devoted himself to becoming a thorn in their side. Gifted with all the strength, speed and intelligence of the big red cheese, Black Adam proves a viable threat to Captain Marvel. It’s too bad most of the time he decided to just go straight and be a good guy. He’s gone from  a super villain to fighting alongside the JSA and most recently has assumed the throne of his ancestral home; the African (re: fictional) nation of Khandaq. Captain Marvel has successfully avoided any character development whatsoever…remaining a cheesy anachronism.

See?

Black Adam also gets extra points for not having that gay little half cape thing.

#4- The Flash and Zoom

Zoom: “Do you not see what I’ve I’ve done? I’ve shifted you into REVERSE!”

Seriously, how does that thing stay on his head when he's running?

For every super speedster that has worn the mantle of the The Flash, there has been a Reverse Flash. The first was Dr. Edward Clariss, a scientist who recreated the formula that gave Jay Garrick (you know, the original Flash with the plate on his head?) his powers. Fortunately for peace loving people everywhere, not so fortunately for Clariss, his formula turned out to be only temporary, allowing The Flash to soundly pwn him muchly. The second Reverse Flash was Eobard Thawn, born in the 25st century with a name so horribly bad, his only allotted course was a life of crime. He used a machine to energize one of the Flashs costumes, still awash with speed force energy so that whenever he wore it he had the Flash’s powers. He called himself Professor Zoom and became a perpetual thorn in the side of the latest Flash, Barry Allen (sans plate). After Barry made us all love him just a little bit more by breaking Thawne’s freaking neck and after his apparent death during the Crisis on Infinite Retcons, Wally West became The Flash. A new Reverse Flash was sure to follow. Hunter Zolomon was a police profiler who became good friends with The Flash, right up until he was paralyzed from the waste down by a giant talking gorilla, which is the kind of thing that’s bound to happen when you hang around super heroes. When Flash refused to go back in time to keep the accident from happening, Zolomon continued on the road towards super villainy and broke into the Flash museum to use the cosmic treadmill himself. It blew up and Zolomon went nuts, but gained the ability to manipulate his own personal timeline effectively faking super speed. He called himself Zoom and targeted not The Flash, but his wife Linda. His reasoning was that a personal tragedy would make The Flash a better hero, proving that not only was he willing to target innocents but also that he wasn’t above using the flimsiest excuse ever to rationalize it.

Douche.

#5- Buffy and Faith

Faith: “Well, look at you. All dressed up in big sister’s clothes.”
Buffy: “You told me I was just like you. That I was holding it in.”
Faith: “Ready to cut loose?”
Buffy: “Try me.”

Even before they became the bitterest of enemies Buffy Summers and Faith Lehane were high school age girls, which gave them ninja-like levels of passive aggressive animosity unknown even to the most diabolical super villain. When Faith first appeared and effortlessly insinuated herself into Buffy’s circle of friends (hereafter known as “the scooby gang” for those of you who have never watched Buffy and found this site accidentally), Buffy was suspicious of Faith’s reckless attitude and unchecked aggression. Ultimately though, it was Faith’s jealousy of Buffy’s stability and relationships (topped off with an accidental murder), that led to her betrayal.  She went to work for the Mayor of Sunnydale (re: evil sunshiny demon) and determined to kill the Slayer. Buffy then got her back by tricking Faith into revealing her true allegiance (with some help from Angel). So Faith shot angel in the chest with an arrow. Then Buffy stabbed her in the gut. After waking up from a coma, Faith then switched bodies with Buffy and assumed her identity while Buffy was captured. She even slept with her then boyfriend Riley (re: *yawn*) while she was disguised as Buffy. When confronted with her own self (in the form of an escaped Buffy) she revealed her own self loathing by beating Buffy all the time screaming at her like she was Faith. Buffy then used the same talisman that caused the switch to put things right.  Faith then walked the path of redemption, accepting the blame for her past crimes and yadda yadda yadda… blah blah blah. Don’t me wrong, I’m all about redemption, but let’s be honest, tell the truth and shame the devil. We like Buffy and Faith best when they’re wailing on each other.

BFF's

#6- Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow

Snake Eyes: “…..”

Waiting to flip out and kill the whole town as soon as some dude drops a fork.

When GI Joe first made it’s debut as the single greatest cartoon of the eighties (outside of Transformers), not much was done with Snake Eyes, the silent masked soldier. Possibly because creators  assumed that a ninja commando was just not interesting enough. But luckily, in the ensuing years someone in charge listened to the fans and so was developed one of the all time great grudge matches. Snake Eyes was a wondering former soldier seeking meaning in life after the death of his parents and sister in a car accident. He found his way to the Arishkage Clan ninjutsu school, where he met Storm Shadow and his uncle, the Hard Master. The two trained together, even becoming sword brothers, but Storm Shadow’s jealousy over his own uncle viewing Snake Eyes as the worthier student ate away at his soul. So in a fit of drastic overreacting he hired Cobra to assassinate the Hard Master. The Arishkage was disbanded, Snake Eyes joined GI Joe, and Storm Shadow joined Cobra. The hostility between them is deep, though I maintain that they’re both so ticked off because even though they’re ninjas and masters of invisibility, Zartan is more stealthy with that whole chamelion thing his skin does.

Making ninjas feel stupid since 1982

The two are both masters of several martial arts and various weapon forms, making them equally matched and making bouts between them equally awesome. But don’t take *MY* word for it… (Warning: The following video is violent yet strangely bloodless.)

#7- Captain Jack Harkness and Captain John Hart

Captain John Hart: “Ok, here’s what’s going to happen – everything you love, everything you treasure will die. I’m going to tear your world apart, Captain Jack Harkness. Piece by piece. Starting now. Maybe *now* you’ll want to spend some time with me.”

In the annals of all arch rivals it’s not unheard of for two enemies to call a truce against a common foe, or for the villain to join the side of the angels, or even for the former adversaries to become friends. Research all you like, to your heart’s content for ages and even so, you’re unlikely to find any canonical instances of a super villain making out with his/her arch enemy. On that note…

...Meet Captain John Hart.

This man wants to either kill you or sleep with you. Actually, it's probably both.

Hart was a rogue time agent and former partner of Jack’s (in *every* sense of the word), who had been through repeated rehabs for alcohol, drugs, sex, and murder addiction. It’s safe to say that none of the aforementioned rehabs stuck. When Captain John Hart made his first appearance, a bar-brawl ensued, followed by some intense second-basing, followed by drinks. After gaining Jack’s trust he managed to take out the entire Torchwood team (as in he incapacitated them, not took them out for cocktails) and tossed Jack off of a roof, assuming he’d killed him. As any fans of the character know, Jack survived (mainly due to the whole immortality thing), and saved John’s life when his scheme to steal a diamond from a former lover backfired. He would go on to trap Jack and the entire team under the rubble of an abandoned building, bomb the living crap out of Cardiff, and bury Jack alive for 2000 years. Jack has yet to do anything in retaliation, possibly because he’s hoping for another make-out session. In addition to the pair’s fondness for period war clothes and similar time watches, John and Jack also share their pansexual preferences, making any meeting between them more than a little creepy. When it was revealed that Hart was under the control of Jack’s long lost brother, Gray, Jack let him go and he opted to wonder the world and see what was so great about the time period. It’s anybody’s guess who’s side he’ll be on when he appears again, but the odds are he’ll probably go to bed with them.

#8- Green Lantern and Sinestro

Sinestro: “What do I want? I want to create a symbol of terror that will wash over the universe. I want that universe controlled with order. And I want all to realize that control comes not out of compassion, love, and hope–but out of fear! Fear leads all!”

They call me Mellow Yellooow...

Imagine a dying alien names you his successor as the keeper of peace in your sector of space and hands you the most powerful weapon on Earth, save one little proviso: it doesn’t work on anything yellow. Now imagine your arch rival, the man sworn to ruin your life, and destroy all you hold dear wields a similar weapon… that makes things that are, you guessed it, yellow. One really is forced to wonder why Hal Jordan never took a look and the situation and called shenanigans, but instead he decided to just deal with it and brutally pwn Sinestro whenever he reared his gigantic purple head. Once Sinestro was the single most highly decorated Green Lantern in the corp, due to the record of peace on his home planet of Korugar. It came to light, however that the reason Korugar was so peaceful was that Sinestro had basically conquered it. He was drummed out of the Green Lantern Corps, due to their “no purple headed despots” rule. Blaming the GL Corps in general and Hal Jordan in particular, Sinestro procured a yellow power ring and declared war. After a pretty distinguished career as a thorn in the side of Green Lantern, Sinestro was finally defeated by Jordan and imprisoned inside the Green Lantern’s power battery on Oa. Strangely, at the time no one was heard to refer to the whole “put-the-super-villain-in-the-source-of-power-for-every-green-lantern-in-the-universe” plan as retarded, or more to the point, suicide. Sinestro awoke the fear entity Parallax, also imprisoned in the battery (seriously, guardians, you never heard of a jail cell?) and the enitity possessed Hal Jordan and caused him to get mideival on reality, breaking Sinestro’s neck in the process. Jordan was finally offed by every superhero ever, who were all of the opinion that they liked reality the way it was, but since there are no pearly gates in superhero heaven, only revolving glass doors, soon both Jordan and Sinestro were resurrected and inflicting power-ring flavored vengeance upon each other. Sinestro has one-upped the corp of late by starting his own “Sinestro Corps” consisting of cosmic bad guys wielding yellow power rings (that run on fear) to counter the green power rings (that run on willpower). Actually, recent writers have gone nuts with the power rings of late; introducing red power rings (that run on rage), blue rings (hope) and rainbow power rings that run on being *FABULOUS*!

No longer the only game in town.

#9- The Hulk and The Abomination

The Abomination: “Any last words?”
The Hulk: “HULK SMASH!”

Kickin' it old school.

They’re big, they’re green and when they get into it, it’s a good bet a few buildings are gonna come down. The real interesting thing about this particular set of brawling behemoths though, lies not in their similarities but in their differences. Bruce Banner was a skinny nerdgeek with anger management issues. Emil blonsky was a KGB spy from Yugoslavia. Who would have thought that a little thing like a gamma bomb would ever bring them together? Some time after Bruce decided to relax in a nice warm gamma radiation bath and found that his temper tantrums now came with a property damage bill, Blonsky was dosed with the same radiation in an attempt to make him into a super being that could go toe to toe with The Hulk. It was a success. Blonsky became The Abomination, a creature with all the strength and regenerative capability of The Hulk, with the added bonus of maintaining his intelligence and self control. The only downside was the tiny, miniscule detail of not being able to revert back to human form (hey nothing’s perfect), and since eleven foot tall reptilian monsters with prehensile tails are kind of hard to snuggle with, Blonsky lost his wife as well. He blamed The Hulk and Bruce Banner for his misfortunes and tried again and again to best him in combat. This proved unsuccessful as punching a creature that’s powered by rage can at best be described as counter-productive. He then went the sneaky route, slowly poisoning Bruce’s wife Betty with his own blood, the idea being that when Bruce saw the gamma radiation in her system, he would blame himself. The ruse was brought to light, however, and Bruce laid the ultimate low blow on Blonsky by forgiving him. If there’s one thing dark reflection super villains can’t stand, it’s being forgiven (see #’s 1 and 5 on this list).

Off Broadway revival of Peter Pan.

#10- Darkwing Duck and Negaduck

Negaduck: “Ooh, Darkwing Duck! I’m so scared!”
Darkwing: “You should be!”
Negaduck: “I’m more afraid of early hair loss!”

The hero is the terror that flaps in the night, the villain is a chainsaw weilding psychopath, and the only hope you have of telling them apart is by the color of their clothes, or perhaps looking out for the one that’ll kick a puppy. The first Negaduck was a being made of particles of negative energy, separated from Darkwing after his good and bad sides were split.

Like so.

Honestly, if you were The Liquidator, would YOU be afraid of a chainsaw? I mean the guy is made of water!

The second was a little more substantial and given a little bit of a backstory. For everything that Darkwing Duck is, Negaduck is the opposite. This has a a lot to do with the fact that he hails from an alternate universe where everything is the opposite of it’s counterpart in the world of St. Canard as we know it. The orange clad feathered foe found his way into Darkwing’s world and proceeded immediately to start trashing the place. He even formed the Fearsome Five, a team of super villains dedicated to crime and destroying Darkwing Duck. One would think that super villains would have trouble getting along but fear of Negaduck kept them all in line. Darkwing in turn gathered the heroes of St. Canard and formed The Justice Ducks to combat this new threat.  Ultimately a three-way showdown was going to appear in a later episode where the first Negadauck mutated off Darkwing’s body and attempted to kill both Darkwing AND Negaduck 2! Unfortunately the show was canceled after the third season and the episode was never realized. Still we’ll always have this little nugget of evil from one of the greatest evil doppelgangers of all time:

Honorable Mention:

Afro Samurai and Afrodroid

Ninja Ninja: ” It’s like I’m watchin’ Afro fighting Afro fighting Afro, or somethin!”

Austin Powers and Dr. Evil

Suddenly, I sat up straight, reading and re-reading the announcement.  With one swift motion, I flipped up the protective cover on the wall and hit the big red button that squatted there ever since we moved.  An ear-splitting alarm rang out through the entire house, joined by my baby’s startled howls.

My wife ran downstairs to find me hurredly pulling on some pants.  “What’s going on?” she demanded.  “The neighbors can hear that!  God can hear that!”

“It’s happened!” I declared.  “I pushed the big red button!”

“The big red—“  Her eyes grew wide.  “I’ll get the car.”

We left so quickly that one might assume that hell itself was on our heels.  For on that day, Parker Lewis Can’t Lose season 1 had released, and nothing was going to stop me from procuring a copy.

Maybe I’m being silly.  After all, this is a show that’s almost 20 years old, a product of the garish early 90’s where colors kept getting brighter, pants grew more poofy, and flattops reigned supreme until Kurt Cobain said, “No more!”  It’s a good show, an amusing comedy, but nothing side-splitting – a sort of bastard child of Ferris Bueller, Saved by the Bell and the early Fox network, and a distant ancestor to late 2000 shows like Scrubs.  So why is Parker Lewis so important to me?

Part of it comes from personal history and taste: at the time Parker Lewis launched, I too was in high school, which made this a rare conjoining of TV virtuality and my personal reality.  I grew up loving the “kids reign supreme over dummy adults” genre, especially in school settings.  I would’ve killed for friends like Parker or Mikey or even Jerry during those lonely years of my life, so watching them in action was the next best thing.

But part of it was that this was a solid show, innovative before its time: it was a comedy without a soundtrack, it featured lots of crazy camera work, and the main character had an inner narration that both broke the fourth wall and drew us into the story.  The characters all existed on a more cartoonish plane of existence than us, but not so far removed as to be fully unbelievable.

I went through the history of how this show came to be in a much earlier article on MRFH, which you can read here. In a nutshell, Parker Lewis was created as a Ferris Bueller ripoff/homage, but at the same time when there was an actual Ferris Bueller TV series.  Fox stuck with Lewis for three seasons, whereas Bueller bombed after a mere 13 episodes (and only became notable for the fact that a young Jennifer Aniston had a role in it).  Parker Lewis enjoyed a decent run, and was retooled in the third season as less comedy, less zaniness, more serious drama.  After that the show was canned, but the cult love for it remained.

There’s something about Parker Lewis Can’t Lose that perfectly encapsulates the 1988-1993 era, and going through the first season is a true blast from the past.  When Milli Vanilli is mentioned as there’s a Die Hard 2 poster in the background and colorful, “wacky” credits are flashed on the bottom of the screen, you can tell that this was a show that was desperate to connect with the pop culture teens of the day.  Sure, the look and references might be completely laugh-worthy today, as those years are often cited with the same tone of one disposing of roadkill, but at the time, that’s what we liked.  We liked those stupid plastic neon sunglasses, we thought incredibly baggy button-down silk shirts were cool, and we knew all of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles inside and out.  Don’t be ashamed of the past; embrace it!

Parker (Corin Nemec, S.S. Doomtrooper) is a cocky, self-assured leader of sorts at Domingo High School.  He wears untucked shirts that are an offense to the eye, has a plan for everything, and is at constant war with the school’s ultra-evil principal Grace Musso (Melanie Chartoff, Dr. Dolittle 3).  Parker survives and thrives in the high school environment with the help of his two “best buds”: rock ‘n roller Mikey (Billy Jayne, Extreme Ghostbusters) and trenchcoat-wearing nerd Jerry (Troy W. Slaten, Superhuman Samurai Syber-Squad).  The three buds operate from their secret HQ in a room above the gym, and more or less have the school wrapped around their fingers… until things fall apart, as they are wont to do.

The best buds have some solid opposition, however.  In addition to Principal Musso, they have to contend with Steven Segal-lookalike Frank Lemmer (Taj Johnson, Samantha), Parker’s snitty little sister Shelly (Maia Brewton, Adventures in Babysitting), and human wall-thing Kubiac (Abraham Benrubi, Miss Congeniality 2).  Not to mention that Parker is far from invincible – many of his schemes backfire to varying degrees of horror – but he always seems to have another plan waiting in the wings.

The show really is a parody of high school and its conventions, which are still true today as they were back then.  Among their adventures include discovering and re-staffing a pirate radio station in the basement, giving a dating confidence seminar, Parker trying to deliberately lose the race for class president, and the clash of “old school” and new, as the 1970 class reunion shows Parker that his dad was a lot more like him than he previously realized.

As I said before, this isn’t a laugh-out-loud-every-minute type show, but it still earns quite a few chuckles for me, at least when I’m not amazed by how much Parker Lewis is like J.D. from Scrubs.  There’s a great balance achieved in many areas here: there’s enough fantasy elements to be interesting but not too many to make this into a cartoon; Parker is smarmy and confident, yet doesn’t cross the line into annoying arrogance; and no matter what the story of the week is, the show keeps the tone light and zippy.  No “on a very special episode of Parker Lewis” stories here.

Parker Lewis made high school a bit more bearable for me, and I guess that’s why it really can’t lose even 20 years later.  Sirs, we have achieved coolness.

Bah!  Whatever!  Titles that work are just as lame as well though-out introductions!  Let’s do this!

Oh, I will pause to mention that you are strongly encouraged to read first, and then decide whether or not you want to view.  MRFH and its affiliates, subsidiaries and shadow governments are not responsible for any puking or nightmares that may result.

When the Wind Blows

Ah, yes.  The pivotal scene in the prettiest and saddest bit of animation you’ve never heard of.

It sits at the bottom of the five (Did I mention we’re going by order of increasing scariness?  We are.) because it’s less outright scary (and not at all graphic, unless rolling sheep bother you.), more one part spooky to three parts trippy.  And I gotta say, the music works.  So bravo to whoever.

Trivia: Widely regarded as a pioneer film in the then-unexplored “let’s watch an adorable elderly couple die slowly” genre.

The Day After

Yep, it’s preeeeetty scary.

Sorry, but I’m reviewing this movie soon, and I only have so much material.

Oh, I will say that I’m endlessly amused by the pouty-lipped whining of the people in the theater when the lights go off.  “Aw man!  This is even worse than being vaporized like we’re about to be!”  Where have these people been?

Threads

Despite a number of similarities events-wise, Threads edges out The Day After in large part because of the way the sequence is handled.  Where The Day After is like, “Here, have three or four minutes of solid terror,” Threads is more, “We’re going to start you off with an appetizer terror-minute, followed by a brief intermission calibrated to the exact amount of time it takes you to think maybe that was “it”, at which point the terror will resume in earnest.”

Also, The Day After doesn’t have the weirdly ever-present chorus of screaming.  And I don’t know what this says about me, but the woman weeing herself bothers me more than anything else.

Warning for language and pee.  And I might urge you to pay special attention at 4:03.  E.T.!!!  NOOOOOOO!!!

Terminator 2

No me can watch this scene when it first came out.  Hey, gimme a break; I was ten.

And it isn’t the suddenness or the contrast of the nuclear firestorm juxtaposed against the pretty-happiness of just seconds prior, or the screaming, burning-to-death closeups.  No, it’s more that the squeal of baking children was and is just a tad disconcerting to me.  Yeah, I know, me and my little idiosyncracies.

Barefoot Gen

Dang it, Japan.  Why you always gotta be trying to mess up my life?  I hate myself for loving you.

I have the damnedest rationalizations for watching things.  Back when Jakob the Liar came out, I thought, “Yeah, it’s about the Holocaust, but it stars Robin Williams, so it has to be Silly McFuntimes!  His goofballity is going to rewrite history somehow!”

Things didn’t turn out well for either of us.

I went into Barefoot Gen with exactly the same fallacious attitude; knowing full well that it was about the bombing of Hiroshima, but thinking, “Hey, it’s animation, which I have not yet accepted as anything more than an escapist medium circa 2002.  How bad can it be?”

The answer?  Pretty much the worst thing I’ve ever seen.  Unique amongst its contemporaries, in that I’m going to go past cautioning as I would for any of them, and instead just go ahead and recommend that you not watch the clip at all.  And that’s not a veiled dare.

To give you an idea of what I’m simultaneously endangering you with and protecting you from: I couldn’t use the first clip Youtube returned, because the thumbnail featured a little girl with her eyeballs dribbling out.  So instead, I’m going with a partially-cooked dog fused to a melting guardrail.  And that about sums it up.

It’s rare I’ll let the back of a DVD box do my job for me, but this once I’m going to make an exception, because it tells you exactly what you need to know about Veronica Mars: “A little bit Buffy. A little bit Bogart. A dash of Nancy Drew.” That won’t stop me from filling another six paragraphs, of course, but it’s a nice starting point. Yet it doesn’t fully do the character justice because Veronica Mars is far more than the sum of her forebears- smarter than the Hardy Boys, sassier than Nancy Drew, looks waaay better in a miniskirt than that chump Encyclopedia Brown. But a person could be forgiven their skepticism because let’s face it: when boiled down to a one-sentence description, the idea of a high school girl solving mysteries sounds nearly as inane as… well, the idea of a high school girl fighting demons. To get around that, let’s take a closer look at just who this girl is, shall we?

Veronica Mars used to have everything: a place in the in crowd, the richest boyfriend in school, his sister Lilly for a best friend, and a happy home life with her father as sheriff. That all came crashing down the day Lilly was murdered, setting off a chain of events that culminated in Keith Mars being drummed out of office, Veronica’s mother skipping town, and Veronica herself becoming the school pariah. Less than a year later we’re introduced to a wiser, tougher Veronica struggling to help her father with his fledgling detective agency and to solve a few cases of her own, all while enduring abuse from her former friends and returning it in spades. Looming behind it all is the specter of Lilly Kane’s murder, the solution to which has the power to either vindicate or damn Keith’s suspicions and allow Veronica to finally lay her friend to rest. Aided by her only friend Wallace, ignored by former boyfriend Duncan, and tormented by Lilly’s ex and psychotic jackass Logan, it’s going to be a busy year for Veronica Mars. And if you’re a fan of intelligent, entertaining TV, you wouldn’t have it any other way.

I remember what I told you
But I can’t remember why
And the yellow leaves are falling
In a spiral from the sky

I mentioned Buffy earlier, and not to belabor the point, but the two shows do have a lot in common, starting with how they begin: a cute, formerly popular teenage girl suddenly finds herself ostracized and forced to rebuild her life from scratch. On the other hand, a wittier writer than I observed the irony of VM’s theme song containing the lines “A long time ago, we used to be friends, but I haven’t thought of you lately at all”… because, after suffering through the last two seasons of Buffy, a blonde spitfire who kicked evil’s ass without benefit of superpowers swooped in and stole my heart, and I’ve barely thought of the Slayer since. Heresy, I know, but if we were all on The Bachelor, Veronica would most definitely get a rose; Buffy might not. (Note: I do not watch The Bachelor.) While I love the first few seasons of BtVS, Veronica grafts Buffy’s attitude onto Willow’s character and ditches the self-pity, with a definite emphasis on brains over brawn. Still, fans of one show will almost certainly appreciate the other, as they touch on many of the same themes set against a high school backdrop. One final comparison: channeling Spike, the character of Logan was originally intended as a recurring antagonist and pain in Veronica’s ass but interacted so well with the rest of the cast that his role was expanded, creating a much more rounded character.

One of the key areas in which Veronica Mars sets itself apart is its willingness to tackle tough issues and darker themes. Make no mistake- VM may take place in high school, but it’s far more The Shield than Dawson’s Creek. That’s apparent from the very first episode, where we learn that Veronica’s sole attempt to rejoin the in crowd following Lilly’s death ended with her being drugged and raped at a party. Terrible occurrences like these aren’t glossed over or trivialized in a melodramatic “tonight, on a very special Veronica Mars” way; rather, they’re presented as an unfortunate consequence of the world the characters inhabit, one that is often enjoyable but sometimes horribly unfair. Veronica and Keith usually solve the case, but that doesn’t mean they all end well, which is precisely how things should be in noir. Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty of humor to go around and more than a few happy endings, but you should never take it for granted from one episode to another.

There’s a body on the railings
That I can’t identify
And I’d like to reassure you but
I’m not that kind of guy

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what makes VM work because every aspect of the show works in tandem to create a greater whole. Certainly the writing is sharp, particularly in season 1, full of strong character arcs and a satisfying conclusion. Creator Rob Thomas cites Twin Peaks as a huge influence but claims Laura Palmer taught him an important lesson: if you’re going to introduce a huge mystery to the audience, you have to eventually solve it. I forget whether prior to this I thought Kristen Bell was great or just great looking, but either way, she does an excellent job of spearheading the cast. It would be easy for the character to become a stereotypical “sassy girl hurting on the inside,” but Bell never lets Veronica become a cliché and shows acting range far beyond her years. Likewise, Enrico Colatoni (known to all you Galaxy Quest fans) is outstanding, and his and Veronica’s interactions just might go down as the best parent-child relationship in television history. By turns supportive, suspicious, joking, protective, competent, and always, always loving, Keith is the kind of TV dad we need to see more of; in some episodes with particularly heavy Keith/Veronica interaction, the rest of the cast might as well not exist.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the stellar guest stars (mostly, Paris Hilton) who manage to support the main cast without overshadowing them. Prominent names include Joss Whedon, Kevin Smith, Paul Rudd, Michael Cera and Alia Shawkat, Ralph “The Todd” Maschio, Alyson Hannigan, and Charisma Carpenter, the latter two even getting to share a scene together. (Good news for Buffy fans who always wanted to see Willow out-bitch Cordelia.) In a similar vein, what helps keep the “mystery of the week” format from getting stale is that minor characters often return in later episodes, reinforcing the notion of a cohesive universe; some, like Tina Majorino’s Mac, even join the main cast in later seasons. And while the show has a few flaws, in the first season at least they tend to be fairly minor. For instance, the constant jokes about Veronica being flat-chested wear thin quickly… Kristin Bell isn’t stacked, but she’s not exactly surfboarding it either, unless the girl’s got one hell of a water bra. Likewise, Veronica’s voiceovers are often clever but sometimes feel redundant.

I could go on, but it boils down to one thing, and it doesn’t matter whether you’re a fan of detective fiction or not: Veronica Mars is television for smart people. It doesn’t spoonfeed you answers, it doesn’t make you wonder if the writers think you’re an idiot — it trusts you to make intuitive leaps and see how things connect yourself. If that sounds like your kind of show, if you like the idea of a spunky heroine with a brain in her head and a terrific supporting cast, then there’s no mystery: you owe it to yourself to give Veronica Mars a try.

It’s a Raymond Chandler evening
And the pavements are all wet
And I’m lurking in the shadows
‘Cause it hasn’t happened…

…yet.

This station was full of funny, thought-provoking, kid-empowering programs when pretty much every other show involved rainbow ponies, bears that shot rainbows from their chest, and even a character with the word “rainbow” in her name. Nickelodeon’s lineup pushed the boundries of kids’ imaginations and just how much sexual innuendo one can fit into children’s programming. None pushed that sexual innuendo barrier better than Rocko’s Modern Life.

Debuting in 1993 and running for four seasons, Rocko’s Modern Life was completely off the wall, off-kilter, off color…you name it this show was off of it. Rocko’s Modern Life was just tame enough, and normal-appearing that it could fool my parents into peeping their heads in and then going along their merry way, satisfied that I wasn’t being “corrupted”. Ah, but they were very, very wrong.

Rocko’s modern life is, from beggining to end, one insane adventure after another, with our main cast of characters being tormented for our viewing pleasure. Some of my favorites are the one where Rocko and Heffer rent a vacuum bent on their destruction, the one where Heffer joins a schnitzel cult, and the one where the Chameleon Brothers put Rocko’s home movies together into an indie film, culminating in Heffer’s prank shots of Rocko headed to the kitchen for a midnight snack in his tighty whities.

I consider myself pretty open-minded, but I watch clips on youtube today and wonder how on earth the crew got by with the stuff they stuck in there. As evidence, in our ever-more PC world Rocko’s Modern Life, when shown on TV, is heavily edited. It’s really upsetting because as a kid I didn’t understand the more adult jokes, but still found the show awesome.

The Characters:

Rocko: An Wallaby who immigrated from Australia. He has a serious crush on the never-glimpsed Melba and spends his days saving his dog from being packaged as deli meat, battling an evil vacuum cleaner “stuck on suck”, and warding off his neighbor Bev’s obvious seduction attempts.

Heffer: He’s a… portly yellow steer raised by a family of loving wolves (one of whom repeatedly fantasizes about eating Rocko, who he insists is a beaver). Somehow he doesn’t realize, until his older brother glibly informs him, that he was adopted. He frequently has completely ridiculous ideas (and a serious eating disorder) that get him and his friends in trouble. His gluttony kills him and sends him to “Heck” in one episode, where he meets the Dark Overlord “Peaches” who presides over an eternal torment of televisions without remotes.

Fliburt: The turtle who taught me the meaning of “hypochondriac”. A complete dork and generally unwilling accomplise to Heifer’s wild schemes (of which there are plenty). At one point he’s even talked into pretending to be Rocko’s “wife” so that he doesn’t get deported (one of the best episodes).

Bev and Ed Bighead: A couple of wild and crazy frogs. Ed Bighead is a career man at the town’s largest industry, Conglom-O. He has a terrible temper and weakness for flies. Bev is a stay-at-home wife with more than one trick up her sleeve to try and seduce her nextdoor neighbor Rocko, though she and Ed seem to have quite an exciting sex life. On more than one occasion we catch them in the midst of very odd kink (Ed tossing and smashing plates with his tongue like they were clay pigeons, Ed rolling around in a ginormous hamster ball chasing Bev around the house…

And those are just the main characters. Every single character in this show is totally off the wall, dysfunctional, just plain nuts…pick your description.

Right now it’s only available as a two-volume “Best of” set. I’m not even sure it’s being re-run on Nickeloden anymore. There are some websites, though, where you can find full episodes. I cannot reccomend enough that you spend just a half hour of your time giving this show a try. I haven’t seen an episode in years and I still use quotes from it in my day-to-day life. Heck, if I could just find Rocko’s blue shirt with the triangles I would totally be rocking that out.

Groovy Quotes:

Heffer: Hey Rock! Do that goofy face you do when you’re buying eggs!

Eagle: A wallaby in a boat waving a fish… That’s odd – yet strangely appetizing!

[Rocko, Heffer and Filburt are about to be hit with bowling balls by the Schnitzel Cult]
Rocko: You can’t chuck bowling balls at us!
Schnitzel Cult Leader: Yes, we can. Says so in the Great Book of Bratwurst. [reads] “And if there is one among you who does not follow the ways of the Schnitzel, let that one go, and do not throw bowling balls at them.”
Rocko: You see? It says let us go.
Schnitzel Cult Leader: It’s a matter of interpretation.

Peaches: I am the Dark Underlord, the Prince of Doom, the King of Eternal Torment! I am Pain! I am Evil! They call me… Peaches!
Heffer: Can you pass the remote?
Peachers: You poor fool. Still don’t realize where you are? There is no remote!
Heffer: Aaaaugh!

Rocko:I’m not a dog, I’m a wallaby!
Dog Catcher: A wallaby?
Rocko: Yeah. It’s like a kangaroo, only smaller.
Dog Catcher: You made that up!

Rocko: Grocery day is a very dangerous day, but at least we got food.

Rocko: [trying to turn the Suck-o-Matic off] I must cease this senseless sucking! [keeps pulling and pushing the switch and nothing happens] It’s stuck in suck!

Grandpa Wolfe: I say we eat the beaver!

Filburt: [About the hard work that goes into reading comic books] You turn the page, wash your hands. Turn the page, wash your hands. Turn the page, wash your hands…

Heffer: [after finding Rocko in the dumpster, his nail-biting problem out of control] All this toe-chewing is making me hungry. Let’s go get some chili!

Rocko: Heff, everybody’s bonkers for me bum!
Heffer: I know. You’ve got the most famous fanny in O-Town!

Rocko, Filburt: [After being interrupted during a fight and opening the door and finding out it's Rocko's deportation officer] WHAT IN THE HELLL… LO?

Ed Bighead: Rocko, what’re you doing?
Rocko: [With a paddle in his hand] We’re playing spank the monkey.

Crappy Jack: Arr, and then, I heard a scream so loud it could be heard down in Davy Jones’ locker. Mickey Dolenz’s locker too, and Peter Tork’s locker. All the Monkees had lockers…

Filburt: [behind the counter at the mall food court] Stuff On A Stick: Stick your face in our stuff.

[Ed Bighead walks into his home. Rocko has no shirt on. Bev is handing him a bit of cash. She sees him, and plants a *large* smooch on him. Rocko steps back]
Rocko: Uh, er… Mr. Bighead! It’s not what you think! I was just [points] … um, and she… [Rocko begins falling apart, like a Jenga game]
Ed Bighead: [angry] You saw my wife in her bath robe? [disturbed] Isn’t it awful?

As some of you may recall, last year’s Whedon Week put me in a quandary: I try to contribute to all our theme weeks, but a bad roommate experience soured me on all things Buffy and I wasn’t really into anything else Joss did. I was ready to bow out with a graceful “So long, chumps!” when Justin suggested I take a look at the recently-begun comic continuation of Buffy. Reasoning that if nothing else, a recap of season 8 by someone who hadn’t seen an episode since season 3 would be good for a few laughs, I agreed, but after submitting the article figured that was the end of it. Flash forward one year and seven DVD sets later. Overcoming my aversion, I got into Buffy in a big way – I cherished seasons 1 through 3, enjoyed seasons 4 and 5, suffered through seasons 6 and 7. And make no mistake, they were BAD — I’ve been an apologist defender of many a shark jumper in my day, but even I can’t overlook the misery of season 6, or season 7 starting strong only to tank. And yet… and yet, from my uninformed perspective, the first storyline of season 8 hadn’t been half bad. Was there a chance for Buffy to return to its former glory? I don’t know, but I figure it’s time to revisit the series and find out. Join me, won’t you?

Before we begin, a word about “canon.” In the years the show was on and since, there’ve been no end of Buffy spinoffs, from novels to video games. Dark Horse published a comic from 1998-2003 that ran 63 issues, plus various and sundry miniseries and one-shots, telling stories set throughout the show’s timeline. While all of these projects are officially licensed, they’re considered at best sort of apocryphal Buffy tales. Basically, the only stories that “count” are those Joss Whedon has personally decreed so; according to the man himself, “Canon is key, as is continuity. If you are a massive nerd. Which I am. I believe there’s a demarcation between the creation and ancillary creations by different people. I’m all for that stuff, just like fanfic, but I like to know that there’s an absolutely official story-so-far, especially when something changes mediums, which my stuff seems to do a lot.”

So for your edification, here’s a listing of all the canon Buffyverse material, from Joss’ mouth to your ears:

-Every episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel
-BtVS Season 8 comic
-Angel: After the Fall comic (essentially Angel Season 6) and Spike: After the Fall miniseries
-Tales of the Slayers miniseries (stories about various Slayers throughout history)
-Tales of the Vampires miniseries (stories about various vampires throughout history)
-Fray miniseries (Whedon’s comic about a Slayer in the far future)
-The Origin miniseries (a comic intended to retell the events of the original movie to bring it more in line with the show. Of it, Whedon has said, “The Origin comic, though I have issues with it, CAN pretty much be accepted as canonical. They did a cool job of combining the movie script (the SCRIPT) with the series, that was nice, and using the series Merrick.”)

With that out of the way, let’s move on to “The Chain.” This is a Whedon-penned story from issue 5, immediately following The Long Way Home. That, by the way, is apparently going to be the structure of Season 8… a longer multi-issue arc, followed by a done-in-one issue. Let’s see what the first has to offer:

We open with a horned demon looking at me and growling, “Buffy Summers…” Nice try, demon guy, but being blonde, asskickers, and dynamite in the sack are where the similarities between Buffy and myself end. Ah, never mind- our beastie Yamanh, who enjoys pillaging, snarling, and speaking in the third person, proclaims Buffy dead while hoisting her body over his head for emphasis. While he’s yammering, “Buffy”’s internal monologue tells us the funny part of all this, namely that she’s never even met Buffy. Flashback: a fairy (the creepy kind, not the Tinkerbell variety) is telling notBuffy she needs to leave immediately. Oh, and they’re underground. notBuffy says she can’t, she has to stop Yamanh’s army from storming the surface. Another flashback takes us to lunchtime at a Catholic school. Several girls are complaining about everyone getting detention because one classmate is a ho, when one of them suddenly chokes and flies back from her seat. Those peanut allergies are a bitch.

We then jump settings AGAIN, this time to Giles (yay!) saying now he’ll tell us about the chain. Which he spectacularly fails to do, as the very next panel has our unnamed protagonist telling us being awakened as a Slayer was like having your ear bitten off by Mike Tyson. (Honey, considering how Tyson usually treats women, consider yourself lucky.) Cue a television commercial starring Andrew and one of the season 7 newbies whose name I can’t recall because only like three of them had personalities. It’s a lot like the cheesy commercial from Ghostbusters, except this one is promoting a “1-800-CHOSEN-1″ hotline for girls who are having strange dreams and breaking vases to call. It’s… too awesome to put into words, especially Andrew’s 1950s sweater vest and pipe.

Cut to our (brunette) heroine being briefed by Rona on being a Slayer, followed by 2-page training montage. Narration confirms that our girl is a Slayer who was chosen for the worst celebrity impersonation gig ever, namely distracting bad guys from the real Buffy’s whereabouts. She mentions another imposter is on assignment partying in Rome and dating “the Immortal,” which internet research tells me is a nod to an Angel episode. And may I just offer that if I’m one of two impersonators and I spend my days fighting demons underground while my counterpart Lohans it up in Rome, I’m putting in for an immediate transfer.

Back in the caves, our protagonist cuts a random demon’s hand off, magnanimously adding that she left him one to wipe with. Forget wiping, what if that was his “me time” hand? That’s cold. She tells him to warn Yamanh that Buffy is coming, which in most cases would constitute what we call “piss poor strategy.” But since we know her job is to intimidate malcontents by pretending to be the real deal, it makes sense. More random cuts: Giles explaining that a chain connects Slayers throughout the world and history, followed by some noobs being surrounded by vampires. Our girl punches a vamp who’s about to bite one of her teammates but gets bitten herself for her trouble. Still, they manage to dust him before being drained, while a teammate named Simone whines about wanting a gun. notBuffy and friend commiserate over their shaky start.

Next: Rona gets to the point, namely that our protagonist could pass for Buffy if she dyes her hair and pads her bra. (And on a show where Sarah Michelle Gellar was rarely the chestiest female in any given season, ouch.) She clarifies that it’s deep cover and unbelievably dangerous and adds that notBuffy may be wondering, why her… because she’s strong enough to handle it, or so weak that she won’t be missed? Rona’s comforting non-answer is that there is no truth, just what notBuffy chooses to believe. So… the weak one, then. Cut to our heroine in the caves passing a test by some Futurama-looking slug creatures, and it’s worth noting that the “test” consists of them crawling all over her naked body, then proclaiming she passed once they finish copping a feel. I understand that’s how the DMV does it too. Blah blah, the fairies and the “slimefolk” don’t get along, but notBuffy Aragorns them that if they don’t learn to work together, they will surely fall to Saur-… uh, Yamanh.

Troops sufficiently rallied, we now see the brunette lying on the ground immediately post-activation. As her classmates check to see if she’s alright, a semi (accidentally?) drives through the outdoor lunch area. notBuffy kicks her friends out of the way only to be hit and thrown a Wile E. Coyote-esque distance away. In case we haven’t gotten the theme of the issue yet, someone skips over “Do you need an ambulance?” to immediately ask “Who the hell ARE you?” At that, we’re back in the caves a final time. The fairies, slugs, and others are battling demon hordes while Yamanh kicks the crap out of notBuffy. Her internal monologue notes that famous names can invoke both great and terrible things, but in reality millions of unnamed people go into making one particular person known. As Yamanh lifts her above his head in triumph (catching up to the beginning of the issue), a band of Slayers rapels down from the surface to help. Tossed aside, our heroine reflects that names aren’t important, it’s the chain that connects each of us — you either feel its tug or you ignore it. notBuffy doesn’t care that she be remembered, and we still don’t know who she is… but eyes closing for the final time, she reminds us what’s truly important: she knows who she is.

Final reaction: I hate to say it after the fairly strong opening storyline, but this one’s a bit of a mess. It’s a shame because there’s a good germ of an idea at the core, and it clearly wants to end on a poignant note, but the execution is lacking. I think the problem is that there’s too much going on for one issue to contain. A nameless girl being trained to impersonate a famous leader; philosophical musings about the chain that binds together all Slayers; a demon uprising threatening to spill over into the outside world; an underground world of various creatures who have to learn to cooperate? All good-to-decent ideas, but trying to fit all of them into 22 pages leads to a thousand abrupt cuts between scenes- before we start getting invested in one we’re jerked off to another, set at a completely different time with only a vague theme tying them together. None of it’s bad, but it needed another issue or two to breathe; imagine “Graduation Day,” one of the best 2-part episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, compressed down to 30 minutes. That’s “The Chain.” It really does have a pretty emotional ending… more’s the pity the rest of the issue doesn’t live up to it.

****************

As a bonus, here’s a recap of “Antique,” a story from the Tales of the Vampires miniseries. To date it’s the only canonical story to take place between the end of the TV series and the beginning of Season 8.

We open with Dracula (last seen in season 5 episode “Buffy vs. Dracula”) speaking to an unseen person. As you’d expect if you’ve read or seen ANY story with Dracula in it, the gist of it is “I’m so cool and terrifying and powerful, fear me if you dare.” He concludes by reassuring his audience they won’t be harmed, so not to be afraid. The fact that the response is “We’re not” should give you an idea of just who those “guests” are. And yep… Drac is irked to hear it. Throwing in a free display of shape changing (the standard bat-wolf-fog combo), he concludes that as three helpless young women, of course they must be lying. At this point we finally see Dracula’s audience, which to no one’s surprise is Buffy and two rookies. It’s interesting to note that while past Slayers have tended to be both young and attractive, the activating of all potentials seems to have lifted that restriction, because one of them looks okay but the other is in definite fug territory. I’m actually surprised Dracula let her in his castle.

Still miffed that he’s not throwing the fear of Satan into these cocky wenches, Dracula keeps talking until the ugly stepslayer interrupts, causing him to use the Force to make her parrot back whatever he says. The writer seems to be making the point that homely chicks are susceptible to manipulation by handsome men, which… duh. Alcohol helps too. Anyway, the art briefly changes, showing Drac as a balding, white-haired old man, a fact Buffy throws in his face. The hypnotized uggo babbles about how letting people finish talking shows respect, which: hee. Buffy exposits that the Count has something of hers and she wants it back. Dracula (handsome again) claims not to know what she’s talking about but is interrupted by a voice asking, “Master, have they gone yet?”

Yep- it’s Xander, decked out in his finest Renfield servant gear. Dracula laments that he told his “manservant” to wait with the brides, but Xanfield complains that they’re scary. Buffy demands Xander get over here, which the enthralled minion is having none of. Finally Drac offers a compromise, and the compromise is this: Buffy and friends allow Xander to remain, and in return Dracula will make their deaths as painless as possible.

Oh good, fighty time! As horse face continues babbling in the background, Dracula tackles Buffy out a window, and the ensuing full-page shot of his castle is pretty impressive… you half expect to see Simon Belmont fighting skeletons on a turret somewhere. As they fall, Drac warns Buffy that these children follow her now, but soon enough they’ll start to see her as ancient and obsolete. Hmm, projecting much? He cautions, “Overstay your welcome, and you’ll become a tall tale for children. Fodder for terrible films and television serials. All because you committed the one cardinal sin – you aged.”

Buffy is, as always, irritatingly dismissive of anyone telling her the truth, delivering a head lock (to… someone who can turn into mist?) while boasting that only old people talk about aging. Luckily she’s interrupted by Xanfield slapping her in the face. Irritated, she asks whether Dracula taught him that, to which he replies “No. I believe that is his natural instinct.” Bwa-ha-ha! Anyway, she accuses Drac of keeping Xander as part of some midlife crisis and again demands his release. The Lord of Vampires balks, but then remembers his hot wives, and castle, and garden, and shipping company, and finally acknowledges he can afford to lose his manservant. Oh, Xander… even when you’re evil, you get no respect.

As Xanfield blathers on that Bela Lugosi’s hair is ridiculous and in no way resembles his master’s (heh), the Count asks for a moment to say goodbye. Against all odds, it’s strangely touching as Dracula thanks him for being there, and listening to him when no one else would, and teaching him to ride a motorbike. He invites Xander to visit anytime he wishes, then watches forlornly as his manservant shuffles off to become Buffy’s manservant again. Taking a seat on a bench, Dracula again allows his illusion of handsomeness to drop, exposing us to an aging, decrepit, and above all sad old man. And with that, we’re out.

In my opinion, quite a good story, especially for only being 10 pages. It’s impressive for a writer to make us empathize more with the homicidal monster than the selfless heroine, but Drew Goddard (stellar first name, DG) pulls it off. Buffy actually is pretty unlikeable (when she says “You have something of mine,” do you get the sense she’s exaggerating? I don’t), and you sort of feel like hypnotized thrall or not, Dracula actually appreciates Xander more than Buffy has in ages. Hell, if he’s been there a year, why is she just getting around to rescuing him now? Letting the ultimate evil enslave your friend for three months is fine, six months okay, but a year? That’s pushing it. My guess is that Buffy just got tired of Willow nagging her. As one does. Anyway, a fun story (which you can read for free HERE) that supposedly sets the stage for one of Season 8’s arcs. Here’s looking forward to it!

The Scoop: 2009, directed by Peter Avanzino, starring Billy West, Katey Sagal, and John Di Maggio

Summary Capsule: The Planet Express crew splits down gender lines over Amy’s dad’s attempt to destroy a star system brimming with life to build the galaxy’s largest mini-golf course. Meanwhile, Fry shtupping his own grandmother again puts him in the unlikely position of potential universe savior.

Drew’s Rating: Have you ever noticed how every significant event in a Matt Groening production centers around miniature golf?

Drew’s Review: Well, here we are again, old friends- the (possible) end of Futurama. It seems like only yesterday I was eagerly awaiting the release of the first direct-to-DVD movie, and now the final act is here. After this, the show’s future is uncertain, so one question looms above all others: does it receive a proper sendoff? Can Into the Wild Green Yonder compete with “The Devil’s Hands Are Idle Playthings,” the last episode of the TV series, in terms of emotional impact, or is it… well, The Matrix Revolutions? And the answer is: more of the former than the latter, thank Atheismo.

Their potentially final adventure finds the Planet Express crew watching Leo Wong demolish the old Mars Vegas to build a newer, more extravagant version. In the process, ecosystems are ravaged and species driven to extinction, but payoffs to environmental scientist Professor Farnsworth ensure zero repercussions. Leo’s only opponents are the Feministas, eco-terrorists who fight for both gender equality and the preservation of nature. But when their attack results in Fry gaining the power to read minds, he’s approached by the Legion of Madfellows, an ancient organization devoted to protecting the universe from the Dark Ones, creatures who wish to destroy all life. A violet dwarf star may hold the key to reviving hundreds of extinct species, but Leo Wong plans to destroy it to build an immense miniature golf course, a plan the Dark Ones hope to see come to fruition. While Leela joins the Feministas, Fry goes undercover as Leo’s security guard in an effort to ferret out the Dark Ones and save the dwarf star. But with Leela unaware of Fry’s plan and the male Planet Expressers firmly on Leo’s side (and Bender working for himself, as always), the company threatens to tear itself apart. Can anything bring them together in time to possibly go away forever?

While some people have loved the Futurama movies, others have complained that they don’t live up to the show at its peak, so let’s get it out of the way first: I’m glad to report that Into the Wild Green Yonder is without question the funniest of the four films. It’s weird… I remember liking the previous three when they came out, but they definitely suffer in comparison with Yonder, which reminds you of just how many good lines the show used to pack into each episode. The plot is likewise enjoyable on the whole- while one or two subplots peter out (Bender’s affair with the Donbot’s wife, I’m looking at you), overall it’s fairly coherent by Futurama standards. Yet another longstanding series mystery is resolved (who’s the man in the number 9 shirt who appears in crowd scenes throughout the series?), mmmmostly satisfactorily, and the writing staff gets to take another jab at industrialization while poking gentle fun at the environmentalists who oppose it. Most of the main characters get a chance to shine, though there could always be a little more Zoidberg maybe, and the series continues its trend of unlikely guest stars with Tha Doggfather himself. It’s easy to take the animation for granted because we’ve gotten used to it by this point, but it’s clean and impressive as always.

The few complaints are familiar ones, mostly having to do with consistent characterization (in a cartoon, I know, but still). Fry and Leela are yet again back to mooning over each other, meaning you could pretty much pretend the last three movies never happened and Yonder continues directly from the show. Having recently rewatched classic episodes like “The Sting” where the pair clearly have feelings for each other, I found it hard enough to see them back to being just friends without explanation, but the constant back-and-forth needs to stop. Personally I like their relationship because I’m a giant romantic softie (shhh… don’t tell anyone), but they’re threatening to overtake Ross and Rachel for most drawn out non-relationship on TV, and brother, that’s not a good place to be. Also, the movie format seems to goad the writers into producing more “epic” stories, with three of the four films dealing with galaxy-shaking events. I can understand why they felt the need to amp up the drama, but some of my favorite Futurama episodes were of the quieter, more personal variety that get shoved to the wayside whenever the universe is in danger. No biggie, but if the show ever returns we could use a few episodes where the crew are solely responsible for saving themselves.

Aaaand… there’s really not much else to say. If you’re a diehard Futurama fan, you probably already own this DVD and are mentally composing your rebuttal to me this very moment. (Remember, it’s getbent@whinyfanboy.com.) But if you’re a more casual fan who was thinking of maybe picking up one a them DVD movies and wants to know which to choose, hopefully this answered your question- it’s Yonder. Is it perfect? No. Is it quite as witty as the best episodes of the show? Uh-uh. But does it leave me wanting more and praying Fox sees fit to revive the show again in another format? You bet your shiny-…

Well, you know the rest.

Didja Notice?

• The Simpsons/Futurama and Family Guy teams often poke fun at each other on their shows, but apparently it’s all in good fun, since Seth MacFarlane sings the opening Vegas-style song.
• Sadly, I think New Vegas’s motto — “What you don’t know about your bedspread won’t hurt you” — could just as easily be applied to Las Vegas. I’ve watched C.S.I.
• As a nice callback to the last movie, where dark matter became obsolete, we learn that whale oil is the new fuel source.
• Every environmentally-themed episode of Futurama features a member of the Waterfall family, and Yonder is no exception with Hutch and his sister Frida.
• Snoop Dogg as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court? Fo’ rizzle, y’all.
• The other justices include Scalia, Ginsberg, Thomas, Paula Abdul, Bjorn Bjork, Janeane Garofalo, and a brunette named “Sagal,” a cute nod to Katey Sagal, the voice of Leela.
• If you ever wondered what makes Bender’s ass shiny and metal, wonder no longer: it’s his vanity plate reading “1 DVS BSTD”.

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

Well, there’s nothing extra, but considering it could be the last time you’ll ever hear that sweet Futurama theme song? Yep.

Intermission!

Into the Wild Green Yonder may or may not mark the end of Futurama. Fox has the option of letting it end here, or if sales of the movies merit it, either ordering another batch of straight-to-DVD films or reviving the show on network TV for another season. In addition, Matt Groening and David X. Cohen have expressed interest in doing a theatrical film if Fox decides to go that route instead.

The Yonder DVD has a ton of special features, including commentary, deleted scenes, a tutorial on how to draw Futurama in 10 very difficult steps, animatics, a spoof featurette about how Futurama is made, Penn Jillette talking about his experience recording his lines, a random mini-documentary about Matt Groening and David X. Cohen going on a Zero-G flight experience, a short featurette made up of clips from past episodes called Bender’s Movie Theater Etiquette, and of course, Zapp Brannigan’s Guide to Making Love at a Woman. (It’s pretty much the same as making love *to* a woman except… uh, never mind. Not going there.) Perhaps the weirdest feature is a brief animation of Bender chugging beers, drawn entirely on toilet paper squares and animated by, well, spinning the roll. Yeah.

Okay, the secret's out- Leela and Bender hook up. Damn, I still can't believe that.

Groovy Quotes

Leo Wong: Okay, okay. Come back when New Vegas opens, I give you all free rooms, free dinner, and free tickets to Celine Dion.
Bender: Lose the Celine Dion tickets and you got yourself a deal.
Leo: All right, damn it, done!

Bender: Man, I’m worried about him. But not enough to stop gambling for even a single second!

Fry: Sign me up for the tournament, please!
Attendant: Okey-doke, Jiffy Pop. Entry fee’s 50,000 smackers.
Fry: 50,000?! Drat, all I have is my life savings and a token for free admission to this poker tournament.
Attendant: Close enough.

Penn: Welcome, viewers who fell asleep with the TV on! It’s the 3009 No-Limit Hold ‘Em Championship. I’m the massive head of Penn Jillette, and here with the color commentary, my partner Teller! …Our act really didn’t change much when he died.

Fry: Bite my shiny metal hat!

Penn: Looks like Boobs Vanderbilt has a decent pair. Also, she’s got two eights.

Hutch: Sorry I bashed your head in, buddy, but I had to. Y’see, the fate of the universe depends on you.
Fry: Yeah, I get that a lot.

Zapp: Bender here has identified the femdito commander as my ex-lover Turanga Leela, whom I once made love at.
Nixon: And he’s willing to fink her out for a few simoleons?
Bender: It’s not about the money, Nixon, though I’d like much more. It’s ’cause Leela’s a threat- a threat to my reputation! She’s committed 30 felonies in 12 star systems. If no one stops her, she’ll break my record for longest rap sheet!
Nixon: Aroooo! That’s a despicable motive, Bender, and I respect it.

Farnsworth: Well, this is it, old friends. Planet Express is done for, what with our delivery crew missing and the abysmal sales of Tickle-Me Bender.
Doll: Teeheehee! Quit touchin’ my junk, pervert!

Zapp: Kif, set coordinates 36, 24, 36. AKA… Leela.

Number 9 Man: As my colleague indicated, the plan cannot come from us, Fry. We were counting on you and your unreadable brain to come up with something.
Fry: That was a mistake.
Number 9 Man: I see that now.

Leela: Wormhole!
Hermes: Sweet topology of cosmology, it’s huge!
Farnsworth: If we fly into it, it could take us trillions of light years away. There’s no knowing if we’ll ever return.
Fry: What do we do? Should we go for it?
Bender: Into the breach, meatbags. Or not. Eh, whatever.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Futurama: Bender’s Big Score
• Futurama: Bender’s Game
• The Simpsons Movie

The Babylon Diaries: Season 2 – Introduction

Yes, that’s right, it’s January 31, 2009, and I’m back for round two of The Babylon Diaries. It’s been sixteen months since I’ve seen a new episode of Babylon 5, and I think that the time is right to dive back into the series that so totally blew me away last year.

True to my word, I have not yet seen any other episode beyond those I wrote about in my Season One diary. I do unfortunately know a bit more than I’d like about what the future holds for the last of the Babylon stations, but I suppose that’s what I get for waiting a year and a half in between seasons. With luck, though, it’s nothing that will mess with my experiment too badly.

I also want to thank everyone who contacted me in response to the first Diaries. I make no apology for some of the errors I made in the article, I simply called it like I saw it, but receiving feedback on something that was so long in development hell was very much appreciated.

So, the president is dead, the Narn are pissed, the conspiracies are conspiring, and the freaky shadow people have arrived! Onward to Season 2: The Coming of Shadows! Ooh, I’m tingling with excitement!

The Babylon Diaries: Season 2 – Dramatis Personae

Familiar Faces

Commander Sinclair

Commander Jeffrey Sinclair (Michael O’ Hare)

Sinclair is the commander of Babylon 5, an Earth-Minbari war hero, and a leader called “The One” from sometime in the distant (or maybe not so distant) future. When last we saw him, Sinclair had just proposed to his girlfriend, Catherine Sakai, and failed to stop the assassination of President Luis Santiago. The season ends on his line, “Nothing is the same anymore.”

Garibaldi

Security Chief Michael Garibaldi (Jerry Doyle)

Garibaldi is an old friend of Sinclair’s and is the head of B5 security. He is a recovering alcoholic, but doesn’t usually let those impulses get the better of him. Usually. Last season, Garibaldi uncovered a plot to assassinate the president and was shot in the back by his second-in-command. Currently, he is comatose in sickbay; his chances of survival hover at 50/50.

Lt. Cmdr. Ivanova

Lieutenant Commander Susan Ivanova (Claudia Christian)

Ivanova is the XO of Babylon 5, and good at her job. She is fiercely proud of her Russian heritage and was raised Jewish, although she is quiet about it. Her mother was a telepath who commited suicide rather than join Earth Alliance’s psychic division, the PsiCorp. When last we left her, Ivanova was standing guard over Garabaldi in sickbay in case someone comes to finish the job.

Dr. Franklin

Dr. Stephen Franklin (Richard Biggs)

Dr. Franklin is Babylon 5’s chief of medicine. He is fiercely devoted to his practice and tends to obsess over tough patients, often working long hours at the expense of sleep and his own well-being. At the end of Season 1, he was operating to save Garabaldi’s life.

Talia

Talia Winters (Andrea Thompson)

Talia is Babylon 5’s government-assigned psychic. She earns a living mediating business deals and acting as a liaison between B5 and the Psi Corp. Not involved in the season finale. Last we saw her, she was fighting over the fate of newly-discovered psychic, Alisa Belden.

Ambassador Delenn (Mira Furlan)

Delenn; Lennier with the Chrysalis

Delenn and her assistant Lennier (Bill Mumy) represent the Minbari government aboard B5. They are reserved and softspoken, but possess dangerous calculating minds. Delenn was once a member of the Minbari circle of leadership, the shadowy Grey Council. Last Time We Saw Her, Delenn was cocooned against a wall after making a secret deal with the Vorlons. Lennier watches over her, explaining cryptically that she is “changing.”

Londo Mollari

Ambassador Londo Mollari (Peter Jurasik)

Along with his reluctant attaché, Vir Cotto (Stephen Furst), Londo is the station’s Centauri ambassador. He longs to see his people reclaim their status as the galaxy’s most powerful civilization, but finds he is repeatedly forced to comprise his goals for the sake of the others. Londo loves wine, women, gambling, and, above all, himself. Last season, he and his people were at the throats of their sworn enemy, the Narns, over a territory dispute. This problem is solved, however, when Londo struck a deal with the mysterious Morden, who wiped out all 10,000 Narns in the territory.

G'Kar

Ambassador G’Kar (Andreas Katsulas)

G’Kar represents the Narn people on Babylon 5. He is fiercely proud of his race, who were enslaved by the Centauri until fifty years ago, when they rose up in revolt and declared their independence. Once peaceful farmers, the Narn now strive to establish themselves as a legitimate power in the galaxy. Last time we saw him was in a recorded message to his assistant, Na’toth (Caitlin Brown), where he states he is returning to homeworld to investigate the devastating attack on Quadrant 37.

Kosh

Ambasssador Kosh

We really don’t know much about Kosh or his mysterious race, The Vorlon. We know that they are very old, very advanced, and very protective of anyone venturing into their territory for any reason. Kosh is completely enclosed in an “encounter suit” when dealing with everyone on Babylon 5. He speaks in riddles and acts only when he must. Last year, Kosh allows Delenn a look inside his suit before her cocooning. He also meets Sinclair, remarking cryptically, “And so it begins.”

Morden

Morden (Ed Wasser)

No one really knows who Morden is, but it’s clear he has some powerful friends. Recently, Morden established a partnership with Londo Mollari, and reports Londo’s wishes to his “associates.” Last season, he helped Londo eliminate the Narn outpost in Sector 37 and we last saw him talking to his creepy invisible masters in his quarters.

New Blood

Captain Sheridan

Captain John Sheridan (Bruce Boxleitner)

Sheridan is the new sheriff in town on B5. He is also a war hero, responsible for the only decisive human victory in the entire Earth-Minbari war. His wife was killed in a deep-space explosion two years ago, and he has thrown himself relentlessly into his work ever since.

Lieutenant Warren Keffer (Robert Rusler)

Warren Keffer

Babylon 5’s hotshot pilot and new commander of Zeta Squadron. A pretty normal guy until he sees something in hyperspace. It’s big and black and he can’t seem to get it out of his head. If only he could find it again…

Episode 201: Points of Departure
Grade: B+

Hmm. Well, I guess it’s good to see that they’re not afraid of juggling the status quo here. It’s been eight days since the assassination at the end of Season One and a lot of the fallout from Chrysalis is still being dealt with: Garibaldi is still comatose, Delenn is still cocooned, and G’Kar is still missing. Despite all of this, the show is clearly not letting that stop it from barreling forward with the plot and introducing B5’s brand new commanding officer, John Sheridan. It seems Commander Sinclair has been reassigned to the Minbari homeworld and is to become its first human ambassador.

The new commander is unfortunately one of those surprises that was already spoiled for me, so his arrival on the show wasn’t a shock. I was surprised, however, to see Sinclair so unceremoniously disposed of. I don’t know if it was a behind the scenes difficulty or what, but I would at least like to have seen him get a goodbye. I’m sure his story isn’t over, given everything they’ve built up around him, but it was still unexpected to not see him at all.

The plot of the episode didn’t thrill me, but certainly was a serviceable intro for our new captain. I like the idea of the rogue warship (and seeing a Minbari who looks like he could handle himself in a bar fight) but the situation felt a little too forced and was too easily resolved for my tastes. Neither was I particularly interested in Lennier’s revelation about the end of the war and how Minbari souls are inhabiting human bodies. His later mumblings about “joining together to fight a new enemy” helped it make a little more sense, but the whole thing was just a little too New Agey for me to take seriously. That said, I do like the more hostile dynamic between Sheridan and the Minbari and there were some excellent acting moments,
particularly by Claudia Christian. Ooh, and we get new opening credits! Shiny! Except… who the heck is Warren Keffer?

Best Line
Ivanova: I’ll say a prayer for him tonight.
Dr. Franklin: He’s agnostic.
Ivanova: Then I’ll say half a prayer.

Episode 202: Revelations

Grade: B

A solid “building” episode that sort of caps off the arc from last season and starts to establish the crew’s new dynamic. G’Kar returns with bad news about evil spaceships, Garibaldi wakes up, his attacker escapes, and Delenn emerges from her cocoon to discover she needs to start buying shampoo. Meanwhile, Sheridan’s sister visits the station and plays therapist for our captain, who is feeling guilty over the death of his wife two years ago.

I enjoyed this one, mostly. Admittedly, the ‘dead wife’ stuff didn’t do much for me and I’m not really onboard with Sheridan as our leading man, but I’m sure I will get used to him. Everything else in the episode was a lot of fun, though. The idea of the PsiCorp/Government conspiracy looks tantalizing and seeing that Londo is willing to play ball with Morden and his creepy invisible people is definitely unsettling.

Best Line
There, you see? One deserts his post without any explanation! The other one picks the most breathtakingly inconvenient moment possible to explore new career options-like becoming a butterfly! – Londo Mollari, about his fellow ambassadors

Episode 203: The Geometry of Shadows
Grade: A

Revolution is in the air as Londo begins to scheme with some disgruntled diplomats about a regime change on Centauri Prime. In hopes of further increasing his standing, he seeks out an odd caste of scientist/magicians known as Technomages for an endorsement. Meanwhile, Garibaldi is back on his feet, but his aide’s betrayal in Chrysalis is making him question his worth as head of security, and Ivanova tries to deal with the warring Drazi, whose violent rituals are making the station a difficult place to live.

Overall, I’d call this a B+ episode that I’m bumping to an A for its last few scenes. The Technomages are a cool idea that I hope to see more of in the future, and I’m glad to see another episode where Claudia Christian is front and center. Have I mentioned yet how nice it is to see a sci-fi show where the characters wear normal clothes when they’re off duty? I mean, when was the last time Beverly Crusher wore an honest-to-God dress?

Best Line
Technomage: Take this for what little it will profit you. As I look at your, Ambassador Mollari, I see a great hand reaching out of the stars. The hand is your hand. And I hear sounds. The sounds of billions of people calling your name.
Londo Mollari: My followers?
Technomage: Your victims.

Episode 204: A Distant Star
Grade: B-

This episode felt really unfocused to me. Sheridan meets an old space-hopping buddy, Captain Maynard, who gets him chafing under the bureaucracy of the space station. After he leaves B5, Maynard gets lost in hyperspace and Sheridan sends out fighters on a rescue op. Meanwhile, Delenn is dealing with Minbari resentment over her transformation and Dr. Franklin puts Sheridan, Ivanova, and Garibaldi on diets. Hilarity ensues.

Nothing I mentioned is handled particularly badly here; I just feel like they were intent on cramming so much in that none of it (except the diet subplot) seems to have a payoff. I like the idea that Sheridan isn’t totally comfortable with his job and doesn’t have the great rapport with everyone that Sinclair did, but, again, I wish it went somewhere beyond a dopey feel-good speech during the last few minutes. They also take the time to give Warren Keffer a purpose, establishing him as the new commander of Zeta Squadron and all around go-to guy for piloting Starfuries. He’s been shoehorned into conversations for the past three episodes as if he’s always been around and we just haven’t noticed, which bugs me. Hopefully, now that I know who he’s supposed to be, I can find a reason for him to interest me.

Best Line
Ivanova: Figures. All my life, I’ve fought against imperialism. Now, suddenly, I am the expanding Russian frontier.
Dr Franklin: But with very nice borders.

Episode 205: The Long Dark
Grade: A

Ooh, I liked this one; it reminded me of The Neutral Zone from the first season of Star Trek: TNG (one of my favorite early TNG episodes). B5 comes into contact with a drifting spaceship, The Copernicus, and an Earth woman, Mariah, who has been in cryostasis for over a century. However, a more ethereal stowaway is woken up, too, sending an unbalanced veteran living in B5’s Downbelow over the edge.

Although the monster and its destruction were more than a little cheesy, nearly everything else in the episode clicked and I am happy to forgive them for not having the SFX technology to do this justice. I enjoy a good fish-out-of-water story, so watching Mariah try to come to terms with her new surroundings was fun for me. It was also nice to see Dr. Franklin get some depth and engage in actual human emotion, even if the ‘romance’ was a little forced. Dwight Schultz was great as Amis, the unstable war vet-he was like a much creepier version of H. M. Murdock. Watching him bond with Garibaldi provided several nice moments for both characters, and it was nice to finally learn a bit of future history about Earth and jump gate technology. And to top it off, I loved the button on the end about the Copernicus’s destination.

Best Line
Garibaldi: You were standing in the middle of the plaza screaming that the Day of Judgment was coming.
Amis: Did it?
Garibaldi: Not that I know, but I may have missed a staff meeting.

Episode 206: A Spider in the Web
Grade: B

Another round of PsiCorp shenanigans, this time involving a ‘cyberzombie’ sent to destroy Mars-Earth negotiations and eliminate Talia Winters. Adrienne Barbeau is a welcome guest star and I rather liked the cameo from Jessica Walter. Talia, though, is the only cast member left over from last season that has yet to make any kind of impression on me. There were some interesting moments she was involved in, like watching how psychic-assisted deals are handled, but overall I’m still waiting to care.

Best Line
There is a spider in the web, Mr. Garibaldi. And I’m going to find it. – John Sheridan

Episode 207: Soul Mates
Grade: A

Speak of the telepathic devil! I’m happy to say I finally give a fig about Talia after meeting her creepy ex-husband. It was nice to learn a little bit about her past and hear her admit that the PsiCorp scares the hell out of her. I also liked Garibaldi rushing to her aide, even though I really don’t feel like the two have much chemistry together.

It was nice to less some less serious subplots again, too. No shadow ships or freaky conspiracies, just Ivanova and Delenn bonding over haircare and Londo grousing over his bickering wives. Such a self-contained episode doesn’t seem very typical for this show, but I had a good time with it.

Best Line
This is the ambassador’s upcoming itinerary. I’ve marked those events which you might wish to attend and those where he will actually be accompanying you. – Vir Cotto

Episode 208: A Race Through Dark Places
Grade: A-

When it rains, it pours, huh? Another Talia episode! This time, Bester is back and on the trail of an ‘underground railroad’ for unregistered psychics. Walter Koenig is fun to watch, as always, and I liked watching Talia wrestling to reconcile her feelings about PsiCorp with the new, more unsettling information that gets thrown her way. It was also nice to see another dimension to Dr. Franklin’s character. While Sheridan doesn’t have a lot to do with the real plot of the episode, I did enjoy his dinner with Delenn and his subplot about being charged rent by Earth Alliance.

Best Line
Delenn: We do not have cats on Minbar. We have gokks.
Sheridan: Gokks?
Delenn: Gokks. I think such creatures are an attempt by the universe to make sure that we never take ourselves too seriously.

Episode 209: The Coming of Shadows
Grade: A+

SINCLAIR! I missed you! Granted, he was only a head on a TV screen, but it really made my night to see him again. This whole episode was pretty stellar, actually. The ailing Centauri emperor makes a visit to Babylon 5, which puts G’Kar in a bloodthirsty mood, while Garibaldi corners a mysterious visitor who has come with a message.

One of the things I’ve really come to enjoy on this show is when they introduce a character who completely plays against type. They did it excellently with Harriman Gray in Eyes last season (who I didn’t mention in my diary for the episode but should have), and they do another great job of it here with the emperor and his pleas for forgiveness. It’s wonderfully played, and makes Londo that much harder to watch as he incites a brand new war with his Shadow forces. Andreas Katsulas is, in a word, awesome to watch in this episode. G’Kar gets put through the emotional wringer, from sick hatred to hopeful optimism to blind, murderous rage. Get this man a little gold statue, and get it to him now.

Best Line
MOLLARRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! – G’Kar

Episode 210: GROPOS
Grade: B

The GROPOS are coming! The GROPOS are coming! I think this might be my new favorite word. GROPOS. GROPOS. GROPOS. Okay, I’m over it. Anyway, the GROPOS, or ground-pounders, are kind of like the marines of 2259, and 25,000 of them have unexpectedly shown up on Babylon 5 with orders to rack there for a few days before shipping out. They are loud, crude, and led by none other than Gen. Richard Franklin, father of B5’s chief medical officer.

Plotwise, this is nothing special. The writers did a great job, however, integrating a very self-contained episode into this season’s story arc. We get a peek at Earth’s reaction to the Narn-Centauri war. We also see the arming of Babylon 5, which isn’t given an overt amount of attention but made the hair on my arms prickle nonetheless. Stephen and General Franklin got to play a lot of little moments that sold me on the idea that they were father and son (‘But I like orange juice!’). Also, I loved the lady who played Dodger and thought she and Garibaldi had great chemistry. It was painful to watch him screw it up.

Best Line
Nice butt. – Dodger

Episode 211: All Alone in the Night
Grade: D+

Snore. Captain Sheridan gets captured by a ship of aliens who ‘collect’ other specimens. They put him through some indistinct method of torture and make him fight a mind-controlled Narn to gather data on humans. It’s pretty stupid. Back on B5, Delenn is summoned to the Grey Council and discovers the balance of power has shifted toward the aggressive Warrior Caste and that she has become roundly despised by the other Minbari in the wake of her transformation.

This was easily my least favorite episode so far, which is a shame because I liked some of the ground it covered. It was nice to get real feedback about how everyone on Minbar feels about Delenn becoming half human, but the dialogue in the council scene was too hackneyed to take seriously. Sheridan’s “action” scenes were eye-rollingly bad, and the little bit we see of the new aliens makes them look like they belong in a Roger Corman movie. With that said, though, the episode earns it’s “+” because of some really touching moments between Delenn and Lennier and the fact that our heroes have decided to take a stand against a government conspiracy that’s become too obvious to ignore.

Best Line
Very soon now, I will be going into darkness and fire. I do not know if I am fated to walk out again. If it is your choice to come with me, then I could not wish for a better or braver companion. – Delenn, to Lennier

Episode 212: Acts of Sacrifice
Grade: A

I loved this episode. Tensions are flaring between the Narns and Centauri on Babylon 5 and the violence is escalating at an alarming rate. G’Kar tries to keep his species under control while he solicits support from the humans and from the Minbari. On the other side of the coin, Londo has never been more popular with his government yet feels completely isolated from everyone around him. During it all, Ivanova gets more ‘diplomacy training’ and must try and woo a race of genetic snobs called the Lumati.

The plots are firing on all cylinders here, creating the perfect blend of humor, danger, and pathos. Watching Londo try and stay afloat when he is so clearly over his head was surprisingly affecting, and, as usual, watching G’Kar do anything was a pleasure. His breakdown at the end of the episode was a spectacular bit of acting.

Best Line
[after "sex"]
Lumati Ambassador: What do I do now?
Ivanova: Old style? You roll over and go to bed. New style? We go out for pizza and I never see you again.

Episode 213: Hunter, Prey
Grade: B-

A pretty forgettable story revolving around the President Clark’s doctor, Everett Jacobs. It seems that Jacobs has evidence that the “illness” that kept Clark off of President Santiago’s doomed ship was a sham and now he is running for his life from federal agents. Meanwhile, Sheridan has been obsessing over Ambassador Kosh ever since he showed up in his dreams (during All Alone in the Night) and decides to try and learn more about him.

There is some good stuff here, particularly between Garibaldi and Dr. Franklin. Watching Richard Moll chew scenery is entertaining too, even though they gave him some atrocious hair. I enjoyed the mystery of Kosh and his living ship, but I think this is one instance where the show’s dated special effects really, really hurt the episode. The climax and the CGI must have been pretty outstanding for a TV show in 1995, but today it just falls flat.

Best Line
Maybe somebody should’ve labeled the future “some assembly required.” – Michael Garibaldi

Episode 214: There All The Honor Lies
Grade: A

I really enjoyed this episode. The plot itself, involving Sheridan potentially losing his command after killing a Minbari, didn’t ever really jump out at me as particularly riveting, but so many details were done right that this easily ranks as one of my favorites so far.

I liked the acknowledgement that the humans and Minbari aren’t necessarily buddies now that the war is over, and I loved watching Stephen Furst actually do some dramatic acting as Vir contemplates his removal from Londo’s service. As always, Ambassador Kosh is fun to watch, and the Babylon 5 Gift Shop cracked me up. I totally want a Londo action figure. I even think Sheridan is finally growing on me. I can’t say I’m completely in his corner yet, but this was a big step in the right direction.

Best Line
Vir, stay. If you go, as a matter of honor, I will have to go with you. And if I am forced to leave this place, and all its marvelous opportunities, I will have to kill you. What are friends for? – Londo Mollari

Episode 215: And Now For A Word
Grade: B+

A lot of shows do a “documentary” episode where the crew does candid interviews and we get an outsider perspective of events we’ve seen firsthand. Most of them do it wrong. And Now For A Word really impressed me in that it really seemed to get the point of the embedded reporter shtick. It’s not just a gimmick; it’s the ability reveal things about our characters we’ve never known and directly ask some of the questions the audience might ask. It even goes one step further by advancing the larger story with an outstanding Narn/Centauri space battle.

I love the interview with G’Kar that allows us a glimpse into his revolutionary beginnings, but I thought Delenn’s interview was even better. The reporter really corners her about her transformation and lets us see more of the latent human/Minbari hostility along with Delenn’s own doubts and insecurities about what she is doing. And the PsiCorp commercial? Ha!

Best Line
We’re everywhere. For your convenience. – PsiCop

Episode 216: In the Shadow of Za’ha’dum
Grade: A+

Oh, snap! Morden was on the Icarus! Yes, our plotlines collide as B5 finally takes note of Londo’s sleazy buddy and Sheridan becomes obsessed with finding out how a man on his wife’s doomed ship came to be alive and well and on his space station. We also see the totally 1984-ish inception of Earth Alliance’s Ministry of Peace. I love the subtlety of what they do, just offering a little extra pay for wearing an armband, oh, and if you see anybody with a dissenting opinion, just send their name our way. This is gonna turn into something big.

The other thing that this episode did for me was it really allowed me to finally wrap my head around John Sheridan. I still won’t say I’m totally sold on him but at least I finally get him. His obsession is understandable and totally justified, and I love that he knows how badly this has put him at odds with the rest of the command crew yet he insists on pursuing it anyway. Plus, we finally get some answers about The Shadows, The Vorlon, Delenn… heck, we even get some context for where the show is headed! I could only be happier if they’d let me peek in Kosh’s encounter suit!

Best Line
Morden: What do you want?
Vir Cotto: I’d like to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and stick it on a pike as a warning to the next ten generations that some favors come with too high a price.

Episode 217: Knives
Grade: B

Meh. Meh, I say. Meh! Londo meets an old friend aboard Babylon 5, only to discover they are now on opposite sides of the new ruling body emerging on Centauri Prime. On the cheesier side of things, Sheridan has an encounter with a dying alien and absorbs a flashy special effect that gives him visions of the past.

As glad as I was to see the reference to the mysterious Babylon 4, Sheridan’s whole subplot was a pretty poor one. Will it be back later and impress the pants off of me? Probably. But for right now, no thanks. Centauri politics, on the other hand, are always interesting and saved this episode from slipping into the C’s. I liked learning about the divisions forming on Centauri Prime and hearing Londo voice his misgivings about the road he has chosen. I don’t think I’ve mentioned his new look this season, but he’s always in black now, which is more than a little disconcerting.

Best Line
I prefer to be only slightly insane. – John Sheridan

Episode 218: Confessions and Lamentations
Grade: A

Wow, someone on staff is a Sheridan/Delenn shipper. I mean, I thought they were inklings of a romance during their dinner in A Race Through Dark Places, but they are pushing it with both hands here. Not that I disagree, mind you, they have good chemistry together. I’m just surprised.

Anyway, Confessions and Lamentations is an excellent medical mystery about a plague that is sweeping through Babylon 5’s population of Markab. It really gave us a chance to see Dr. Franklin in the spotlight again but avoided the sugar-coated ending that most TV shows would have gone for. I like how they really highlight his obsessive nature, even spin it in a positive light. And, hey, Warren Keffer shows up! Presumably this is just to remind you that he exists, as he has absolutely no bearing on the episode whatsoever, but I guess learning about his private hyperspace trips is kind of interesting. I guess.

Best Line
Everything to you is a problem to be solved, a test to be passed. But you know, Stephen, sometimes the test is not to find the answer, it’s to see how you react when you realize there is no answer. – Markab Doctor

Episode 219: Divided Loyalties
Grade: A+

Big changes on Babylon 5! The crew meets Lita Alexander, a telepath on the run and the original PsiCorp liaison assigned to Babylon 5 two years ago. Lita tells them that one of their number is, in fact, a sleeper agent for the Corp and she knows the trigger word that will show them who it is. Sort of a Manchurian Candidate thing.

Ivanova’s latent telepathy didn’t seem like quite the big reveal that it was built up to be, but the story about her childhood certainly justifies her fear of mind probes. Talia’s transformation and defection have left me a little torn. On one hand, her new personality is way more interesting than her old one, but, on the other hand, I finally liked her! Dang. At least this will put the brakes on the relationship with Garibaldi they kept trying to push last year.

Best Line
The Corp is Mother! – Talia Winters

Episode 220: The Long Twilight Struggle
Grade: A+

Londo Mollari is one of the most intriguing characters I’ve ever watched. He obviously knows the difference between right and wrong and he is very conscious of the fact that he is allowing atrocities to be committed over and over, and yet he makes no move to change his course. Is his desire for Centauri greatness that overpowering? Or is his newfound political importance just too alluring to give up? Does he fear that he has come too far to ever come back? I don’t know. He’s so sad to watch, clearly hating what has happened and knowing he’s a part of something truly heinous, but still striding into the council chambers and spitting so much conceit and venom that you instantly despise him.

Anyway, it’s on like Donkey Kong in this episode. The Narn and Centauri war comes to an end with complete and utter surrender by G’Kar’s government. Londo removes G’Kar from his Ambassadorial post and battle lines are drawn between the Centauri and pretty much everybody else in the galaxy. Delenn’s old teacher Draal, who we saw take stewardship of a planet in last season’s two-parter, reappears and offers his allegiance to Babylon 5 in the days ahead, and Sheridan meets the Rangers (from The Coming of Shadows) and assumes command of them, forming “an army of light.” We’ve turned a corner, folks, and nothing is
ever going be the same. Fantastic.

Best Line
No dictator, no invader can hold an imprisoned population by force of arms forever. There is no greater power in the universe than the need for freedom. Against that power tyrants and dictators cannot stand. The Centauri learned that lesson once. We will teach it to them again. Though it take a thousand years, we will be free. – Citizen G’Kar

Episode 221: Comes the Inquisitor
Grade: B-

Again, I find myself wholly underwhelmed with one episode to go in the season. At the behest of Ambassador Kosh, Delenn is ‘tested’ by an Inquisitor named Sebastian, who looks and talks like he stepped out of Oliver Twist. Citizen G’Kar, meanwhile, organizes an underground Narn resistance but struggles to maintain his leadership amidst growing doubts by his brethren.

This wasn’t a terrible show by any means, I rather enjoyed the G’Kar stuff, but it really just felt unnecessary. We already sorta knew that Delenn and Sheridan were ‘chosen.’ I guess it’s sort of interesting that they know it now, too, but it doesn’t really justify the rest of the episode to me. And the Jack the Ripper thing? Called it, like, immediately.

Best Line
Good luck to you in your holy cause, Captain Sheridan. May your choices have better results than mine – remembered not as a messenger. Remembered not as a reformer, not as a prophet, not as a hero, not even as Sebastian. Remembered only… as Jack. – Sebastian

Episode 222: The Fall of Night
Grade: A+

This show certainly has a way with endings, doesn’t it? The Centauri war expands to other races while Earth Alliance signs a nonaggression pact. The Bab 5 weapon systems get a workout protecting a Narn warship. The Ministry of Peace reappears to remind everyone we’ve always been at war with Eastasia. Warren Keffer shows up just long enough to screw over everyone and then die. And-OMG!-Kosh comes out of his encounter suit!

The Fall of Night is everything a season finale ought to want to be. Long running plots are advanced, hanging threads are sewn up, a few surprises get thrown in the mix, and a whole new paradigm is established for the coming season. It operates on a simply enormous scale and yet also remembers to include little touches that really send it into the stratosphere. Comedy beats like Lennier and Vir’s barstool friendship are given the necessary breathing room that makes the situation feel unprompted and a natural extension of their characters. Minor characters like Garibaldi’s second in command, Zack, are expanded and given a real personality that helps make Babylon 5 feel like a real world made up of real individuals, not just
walking wallpaper to paste up behind our main characters. There isn’t a single moment of this episode that hasn’t left me truly, truly impressed. Bravo.

Best Line
We came to this place because Babylon 5 was our last, best hope for peace. By the end of 2259, we knew that it had failed. But in so doing, it became something greater. As the war expanded, it became our last, best hope for victory. Because sometimes peace is another word for surrender, and because secrets have a way of getting out. – Susan Ivanova

Final Thoughts on Babylon 5: Season 2

For a period during my misguided youth, I dabbled in role playing games. Not Final Fantasy-type console gaming, but honest to goodness, pen and paper RPGs: Dungeons and Dragons, Werewolf: The Apocalypse, West End’s Star Wars. I loved them all, and, to this day, I enjoy reading rulebooks and adventure modules when I can get my hands on them. I was never a very good Dungeon Master, though. The concept of creating epic story arcs and psychologically and emotionally complex characters always appealed to me, but my campaigns always fell apart within hours. My grand ideas would become muddled grinds without a satisfying resolution or meaningful interaction. I would get impatient as the PCs sifted through piddling tasks, so I would start laying down nonnegotiable quests that were too tough or too simple just to move things along and tell the story I wanted to tell.

The reason I bring this up is that I want J Michael Straczynski to be my DM. I stand now at the end of Babylon 5’s second season, completely in awe of its incredible finale. So much has been revealed and yet so much remains unsaid. After 44 episodes, we have met a dozen main characters (and at least a dozen other important ones), encountered threats and conspiracies from within and without, and learned of prophecies and mythologies from all corners of the galaxy, yet the Shadows-our Enemy with a capital E-have barely made an appearance. We’re seeing more of them, yes, but not much more. Blurry shapes here, blink-and-they’re-gone starships there. We, the audience, certainly have a better view of it all than our characters do, but not by much. It’s an interesting feeling to be able to see where things are going and yet have no idea
where you’re headed.

Due to some real life obligations, I don’t expect I’ll be able to jump into Season 3 for at least another couple of weeks. It’s going to take a lot of willpower, though. This show has gotten its hooks in me, deep and I can tell it isn’t going to let go anytime soon. This is everything television should be.

- 2/13/2009

2. Tracy Morgan is a sight to behold as Tracy Jordan, the Dave Chapelle-ish star of “TGS With Tracy Jordan”. His unusual cadence, extreme unpredictability (the first time we see him, he’s nearly nude, running down a highway, swinging a sword and shouting “I AM A JEDI! I AM A JEDI!”) and utterly bizarre non sequiturs make every scene with him a countdown to the unusual. Plus, you gotta love a guy who largely plays a caricature of himself (like Jordan, Morgan was on a sketch comedy show: SNL).

3. Tina Fey is one of the most brilliant comediennes of our time, and deserves every accolade she gets. It’s not that she’s funny as a woman, but that she’s incredibly funny as a person. Her Liz Lemon (loosely based on herself during her SNL days) is a complete geek, loves food waaaaay too much, can switch between keen intelligence and childish immaturity on a dime, is a mother figure to her staff yet also a good friend to them all, and makes most of her best remarks under her breath. When you finally see her dancing for her boyfriend in the bedroom while wearing homely flannel PJs, playing with used kleenexes and turning on (sexy voice) the humidifier, you just can’t help but want her to be your best friend too.

4. 30 Rock, like most of us, is pretty much obsessed with Star Wars — and the references keep coming, although they mostly fly under the radar. From a random Captain Needa mention when Liz goes up to Jack’s office (”Captain Needa dies! He DIES!”) to Carrie Fisher doing a guest spot and uttering the catchphrase “You’re my only hope!”, this is a show that’s not afraid of a little love for a galaxy far, far away.

5. The peppy jazz score and hilarious songs created for the show are just addicting, such as “Muffin Top” (sample lyrics: My muffin top is all that / Whole-grain, low-fat / I know you wanna piece of that / But I just wanna dance) and “Werewolf Bar Mitzvah” (sample lyrics: Werewolf bar mitzvah / Spooky scary / Boys becoming men / Men becoming wolves).

6. For Judah Friedlander’s awesome trucker hats — Judah plays Frank, a weird slob of a writer who also sports a different hat slogan on each show (something Judah carried over from his standup comedy). I found myself eager to see what hat he’d wear that episode, with favorites including NINJA EXPERT, DOUBLE CHEESE, 1,000,000 POINTS, and LIZ ROCKS.

7. As a counterweight to the freewheeling comedy writers and the nerdly Lemon, Alec Baldwin brings years of big screen acting into his role as Jack, Vice President of East Coast Television and Microwave Oven Programming at GE. Baldwin’s Jack displays ultra-Republican, cutthroat business sense that makes him master of any domain he walks upon — but he’s not without his own quirks as well. One of the treats of the show is that, depending on the episode, Jack might be the “straight man” to Liz’s weirdness, or it might flip, with Liz being the sane one as Jack gets a little too wonky. For bonus points, watch the episode where Jack is utterly unable to film a short infomercial without messing up 247 times (on purpose bad acting must’ve wounded Baldwin to the core).

8. Because of Dr. Spaceman (pronounced spah-chem-en except by Tracey), who has to be the most incompetent doctor since The Simpsons’ Dr. Nick. His deadpan medical advice to use crystal meth as a weight loss technique (”Let me ask you this: how important is tooth retention to you?”) or that we should avoid bread (”It eats away at the brain”) is so over-the-top wrong, it’s right. And he knows the phone number for diabetes repair!

9. The celeb cameos are almost always pure gold — Jerry Seinfeld made one of his ultra-rare post-Seinfeld appearances to promote “SeinfeldVision”, while other guest stars include Matthew Broderick as a government employee, Steve Buscemi as a seedy private detective, Nathan Lane as Jack’s brother, and Paul Reubens as the genetically-challenged Prince Gerhardt Habsburg. You get the feeling that 30 Rock really gave them permission to have a lot of fun in these roles, and as a result, these guest spots aren’t so much gimmicky as they are integral to the show’s comedy core.

10. Because it went head-to-head with Aaron Sorkin’s similarly-themed Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and cleaned their clocks — Sunset was canceled after one season, while 30 Rock just kept on going.

11. If this sort of thing impresses you, then pay attention: As of February 2009, 30 Rock has been nominated for 79 different awards, and won 29 awards.

12. Because they’re shameless in trying to get you to laugh — flashbacks, flashsideways, blatant product placement, men squirting each other’s pants with water to make it look like they’ve peed themselves… yeah, it’s a good time to watch television.

13. They’re not afraid to get a little edgy, when done with a wink and a smile. You’ll wince and probably laugh when you see “GE’s Salute to Fireworks” which makes Rockefeller Plaza look like it’s exploding, or flaming pinwheels that don’t spin and look like swastikas in the middle of an American troops tribute.

13. You know what, I shouldn’t even have to finish 15 reasons here. I’m not. Why should I conform to this painful “15 Reasons” format? Pfft. One of the most convincing arguments I can think of is to just share some of my more favorite quotes from the show:

Liz: Yeah, Tracy has mental health issues.
Jenna: He bit Dakota Fanning on the face.
Liz: When you hear his version, she was kinda askin’ for it.

Tracy: So, how you doing over there, Theo Huxtable.
Toofer: I’m doing good.
Tracy: Nah-uh. Superman does good; you’re doing well. You need to study your grammar, son.
[Tracy leaves the room.]
Frank: [to Toofer] Wow, that was embarrassing for you.

Tracy: So, here’s some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it’s Shark Week.

Jack: All you have to do as the writing staff of an NBC show is incorporate positive mentions, or “POS-MENS” of GE products into your program. For example you could write an episode where one of your character purchases, and is satisfied with one of GE’s direct current drilling motors for off-shore or land-based projects.

Liz: Why are you wearing a tux?
Jack: It’s after six. What am I, a farmer?

Liz: You’ve already made up your mind about this, haven’t you?
Jenna: Oh, you’re right, Liz! I should go for it!
Liz: You’re not even listening, are you? Poop. Monkey butt.
Jenna: No, you’re a good friend and thank you.

Tracy: I believe that the moon does not exist. I believe that vampires are the world’s greatest golfers but their curse is they never get a chance to prove it. I believe that there are 31 letters in the white alphabet.

Tracy: I do not want to disappoint our Japanese public, especially Godzilla. Hahaha! I’m just kidding, I know he doesn’t care what humans do.

Jack: I just need him awake for a few minutes, can’t you… inject something directly into his heart?
Dr. Spaceman: Oh, I’d like nothing better. Unfortunately, we have no way of knowing where the heart is.

The Scoop: 2008 NR, directed by Dwayne Carey-Hill and starring Billy West, Katey Sagal and John Di Maggio.

Summary Capsule: The Planet Express crew attempts to solve the world’s fuel crisis (by… destroying all the world’s fuel), but accidentally gets transported to a land of swords and sorcery. In flagrant violation of alternate universe protocol, no one sports evil goatees.

Drew’s Rating: Okay, I admit it — I fell in with the wrong crowd and played Magic: The Gathering for two years in high school. Dammit, must I be haunted by my mistakes forever? A man can change!

Drew’s Review: If you’re any kind of a Futurama fan (and if not, are you lost or something?), you probably know the story by now: the show aired for 4 seasons on Fox before being cancelled, and has now been revived as a series of 4 direct-to-DVD movies. The most recent entry, Bender’s Game, is the third in the series and the most standalone, which may appeal to those less enamored of dangling plot threads.

Bender’s Big Score reintroduced us to the gang after a long absence and focused on longstanding series continuity, and its cliffhanger led directly into The Beast with a Billion Backs. Likewise, Into the Wild Green Yonder will reportedly clear up at least one ongoing mystery and, if necessary, serve as a final send-off to the series. That leaves us with Bender’s Game, definitely the easiest for a casual fan to pick up and watch, and romance-phobes can take heart: no Fry/Leela, no Amy/Kif, no Bender/hookerbots. This one’s all about the comedy, kids.

The adventure du jour centers around skyrocketing fuel prices thanks to longtime nemesis Mom, the universe’s only supplier of dark matter. Fed up, Professor Farnsworth reveals he was the one who discovered dark matter’s use as a fuel source decades ago, as well as something else: two attuned crystals that, if brought together, will destroy all dark matter in the universe. One is under constant surveillance in Mom’s arctic stronghold, and the other is… being used as a makeshift gaming die by Farnsworth’s son Cubert, his nerdy friends, and Bender Titanius Inglesmith, fancy man of Cornwood. Before you can say copyright infringement, an attempt to bring the crystals together leads to our heroes being thrown into a fantasy world of dungeons, dragons and dorks, with their only hope being to hurl the Die of Power into the geysers of Gygax before evil Momon can recover it. But with Frydo succumbing to the temptation of the ring die and Legola’s efforts to renounce her violent ways, is the fellowship boned before it’s even begun?

Here’s the good news: it’s funny. I mentioned earlier that Bender’s Game doesn’t bog itself down in continuing series subplots – Nibbler’s people get some additional backstory, but you don’t need to know anything else about them to enjoy the movie. With their characters in a new venue, the writers are free to just concentrate on the jokes, and the result is a film that feels more lighthearted and enjoyable than their last offering. It reminds me of one of my favorite episodes of the original series, “The Farnsworth Parabox,” where half the entertainment came from seeing the various alternate versions of themselves the Planet Express crew encountered. In this case, the writers get some good mileage out of Tolkien-izing their cast… Gynecaladriel, queen of the water nymphos is a personal favorite, and predictable gag or not, I defy anyone not to laugh at mighty Hermaphrodite. There’s also some amusing meta-commentary with Fry finding the antics of Mom’s 3 Stooges-esque sons hilarious while Leela and Amy think they’re boring and insipid. (And ladies, you are wrong. So, so wrong.)

If I have any criticism, it’s that Bender’s Game isn’t quite sure what it wants to be. Instead of one cohesive movie, it feels more like two extended episodes jammed together with only the barest of threads connecting them. The fuel shortage storyline and the D&D spoof are funny individually, but they never exactly seem to gel – the chain reaction that tosses everyone into the fantasy world is barely an afterthought, not even given the pseudo-scientific nonsense explanation that comes standard in sci-fi shows and comic books. Say the positrons collided in just the right way, explain that the crystals gained sentience and brought Bender’s fantasy to life, tell me the flux capacitor overloaded, whatever… just give me something. Yes, I know it’s Futurama, not Doctor bloody Who, but if I’ve watched the movie three times and still couldn’t tell you in the slightest how the characters got to or from the fantasy world, that’s a sign that it wasn’t explained clearly. Or that I’m special ed, but as I’m sure we all just got a hearty laugh out of that one, let’s move on.

Bender’s Game is one of those films where it doesn’t really matter what recommendation I give: if you’re a Futurama fan you’re going to see it anyway, and if you’re not you aren’t even reading this, so your mother. Still, I’m happy to report that while it isn’t my favorite of the DVD movies, it is a solid entry in the series and an excellent way to cleanse the palate, as it were, before the (possibly) final Futurama adventure. What else needs to be said? Have at it.

NEEEEERDS!

• A sign in the Planet Express locker room reads “No pointing and laughing.”

• Bender is incarcerated in the “HAL Institute For Criminally Insane Robots,” a reference to 2001: A Space Odyssey. In addition, Nurse Ratchet is a tip of the hat to One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.
• One of the robots in Bender’s group therapy session is Rosie from The Jetsons.
• Nibbler was last seen at the end of Bender’s Big Score yelling “Everyone out of the universe!” and imploding. His reappearance in Bender’s Game isn’t explained, but Fry and Leela mention not being surprised he can talk because he forgot to mindwipe them after the last time.
• Titanius Inglesmith’s family motto (shown on his sleeping bag) is machina ex deo, Latin for “the machine from God.” His coat of arms is a nut and bolt, an alkaline battery, and a chalice of ale.
• After the credits they show a clip from a past Futurama episode of Gary Gygax (creator of D&D) saying “Anyone wanna play Dungeons & Dragons for the next quadrillion years?”

'They wants to steal it, my precioussss'

This is the third of four direct-to-DVD Futurama movies, with the fourth, Into the Wild Green Yonder, due out in February 2009. Producer David X. Cohen has said of the final movie that, while they hope the series may return in some other format eventually, “it ends on a real sweet note and we’ll be content with that if it’s the last we ever do.”

Groovy Quotes

George Takei: Way to kill the franchise, Bakula.

Bender: You’re right. I’m great in every way except I have no imagination. All I ever wanted is to play this magical game, and I can’t.
Dwight: Yes you can. You just have to lose yourself in the fantasy. You have to believe the impossible is merely preposterous.

Professor: The collar will be triggered anytime your thoughts turn to violence-
Leela: OUCH!
Professor: -profanity-
Leela: Son of a- OW!
Professor: -or perversions of a sexual nature.
Leela: …………OW!

Rod Serling: In the end, it was not guns or bombs that defeated the aliens, but that humblest of all God’s creatures, the Tyrannosaurus rex.

Fry: Bender, no! When will young people learn that Dungeons & Dragons won’t make you cool?

Professor: Good God! Just knowing we’re in the same genus makes me embarrassed to call myself homo.

Fry: There are so many killbots behind us, I can’t count them all! Three, I think!

Legola: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but that was really exciting. I’ve never felt so alive! What else can we slay? Is that a hobbit over there?
Titanius Inglesmith: Naw, that’s a hobo and a rabbit. But they’re making a hobbit.

Grayfarn: Of course! Wipe Castle! And while we’re there, we can get some of those greasy little dwarf burgers.

Gynecaladriel: Ooh, I love those! You can eat like eight of them without gaining any weight, ’cause of all the diarrhea!

Frydo: I… I’m too exhausted, I can’t go on.
Zoidberg: I’m here for you, my friend. I’ll drag you onward, even to my last ounce of strength. Grab onto my testicles!
Frydo: …you know, I think maybe I can walk after all.

Frydo: So it’s all come down to this: a dungeon, and dragons.
Zoidberg: I didn’t see it coming.

Classic always triumphs updated. Always.

Feast your eyes on commentary with the directors and voice actors, storyboard animatics, a “D&D&F” (Dungeons & Dragons & Futurama) featurette, a lesson on how to draw Futurama in 83 easy steps, some deleted scenes and bloopers, and a sneak peek at the next Futurama movie. Of special note are the anti-piracy warning where Bender of all people advises you not to steal in his own special way, and a bizarre “genetics lab” where you can mix n’ match pieces of your favorite Futurama characters to create hybrid abominations in the eyes of God and man. If that’s what does it for you.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Futurama: Bender’s Big Score

• Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs
• The Simpsons Movie