“The numbers are the key to everything.”

The Scoop: 2009, PG-13 Directed by Alex Proyas and starring Nicolas Cage, Chandler Canterbury and Rose Byrne

Summary Capsule: MIT professor happens upon a sheet of numbers that predicts major disasters, including possibly the End of the World.

Mike’s Rating: 136545068461035135164846413540468431640684168406940613135484684

Mike’s Review: Let’s face it: sometimes this world is a downright nasty place to live. Mass murder, terrorist attacks, earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis, reality shows– it’s pretty scary out there. But imagine for a second that you discover a way to predict the date and location of aforementioned disasters. Do you try to stop them from happening, or do you put as much distance between yourself and the prophesized calamity as humanly possible? Well if you’re Nicolas Cage, lets just say the whole living thing is not extremely high on your priorities list.

Cage plays John Koestler, an astrophysics professor at MIT with a serious chip on his shoulder as far as predestination is concerned after the death of his wife in a fire. Things get weird when his “stuff just happens” philosophy is challenged by, of all things, a piece of paper; said paper containing a series of numbers written by a creepy-eyed urchin some fifty years ago, pulled out of an elementary school time capsule and handed to Koestler’s son Caleb. By accident he starts to take a close look at the numbers and finds that they correspond to the date, location, and number of dead for every major disaster on Earth for the past fifty years, with three more left to go on the list. From there the clock is ticking as Koestler, with increasing desperation, tries to unravel and solve the mysteries of the numbers,  prevent the foretold disasters from occuring and protect his son from the shadowy figures who have begun to stalk the woods near his house.

As the director of The Crow, Dark City and I, Robot, Alex Proyas is one of my top five all time favorite directors, and he doesn’t disappoint here. The man knows how to tell a story, even one that takes on heavy metaphysical themes including (in the case of this film), a deterministic universe versus a random one, without talking down to the audience. The movie has a genuine feel of dread as events unfold, sometimes with frighteningly graphic consequences, and it’s refreshing to see a film not shying away from the realities of loss of life in a tragedy. More than once I was surprised, not by the story itself (which was admittedly kind of predictable), but by the choices Proyas made in unveiling that story and letting it play out. At times the plot seems just a little too tidy, with some pretty amazing coincidences, but depending on how accepting you are of the predestination aspects of the plot this may or may not hinder your enjoyment of the film. It didn’t hinder mine. There’s some emotional resonance as well, as we follow Cage’s character through an evolution of a disbelieving pastor’s kid, to a man who’s willing to go on faith alone.

Ultimately the best thing I can say about this film is that it stuck with me. The ideas put forth and the plotlines that provided them a backdrop continue to ruminate in my head even a few days after seeing the film. The film makes you think, which is rare these days. This is what we need more of; The kind of science fiction/ fantasy story that would be perfectly at home as an extended episode of the Twilight Zone–entertaining us with wondrous sights in an impossible universe while making us ponder the nature of our own.

"Cool! This is just like LOST!"

Didja Notice?

• You know something bad is going to kill a lot of people and you go the exact location this is supposed to take place? I appreciate you want to stop the loss of life, but you’ve got a kid, man.
• Lucinda and Abby are played by the same little girl (Lara Robinson)?
• WILHELM SCREAM! heard during the subway crash.
• The last line of the movie is “I know”.

Intermission!

• This is the second film featuring Rose Byrne to revolve around the possible end of the world. The first was Sunshine.
• Richard Kelly was originally set to write and direct the project.
• The school in the movie is William Dawes Elementary. William Dawes was one of the riders who, like Paul Revere, warned the minutemen that British troops were coming. Just like a child at his namesake school was trying to warn people what was coming.
• The text of the time capsule plaque reads, “We, the 3rd grade class of William Dawes Elementary School, in the year of 1959 A.D., hereby commit our visions of the future as a token of hope and friendship toward our successors, the class of 2009 A.D.”

Groovy Quotes

Caleb Koestler: I can’t consume that. I’ve decided to become a vegetarian.
John Koestler: Well, when were you planning on telling the guy who buys the groceries around here?
Caleb Koestler: Are you deaf? I just told you now, Dad.

Stacey: Well, what do you believe?
John Koestler: I think $#!% just happens. But that’s me.

John Koestler: Look, I’m not saying that eighty-one people are going to die tomorrow. I just want to know why *THIS* (points to numbers list) SAYS THEY ARE!

John Koestler: The numbers are the key to everything.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Dark City
• Timescape
• Miracle Mile

#1- The Doctor and The Master

The Master attempts to "hug it out".

The Doctor is a compassionate Timelord from the planet Gallifrey who thwarts monsters, aliens, gods, and demons through the use of his intelligence, an intrinsic knowledge of the workings of space/time, and a nifty sonic screwdriver. Throughout time and space, The Doctor has been plagued by his former best friend: a rival Timelord who became determined to utterly conquer all creation after staring into the “untempered schism” and going batpoop crazy. Evenly matched in intelligence, determination and gadgets, these two enemies have battled across tesseracts, supernovas, nebulae and down the street from the Circle K. Along with the desire to control the universe, The Master’s primary driving force seems to be torturing his former friend. When he became desperate to prolong his life after squandering his 13 lifespans, it was The Doctor’s regenerations that he attempted to steal, despite having an entire planet of Timelords (and all their regenerations) at his disposal. After the Time War and the destruction of his home planet, The Doctor spent many years thinking he alone was the only remaining Timelord. Imagine his surprise when the good-natured Professor Yana, a kindly old scientist at the end of the universe turned out to be none other than The Master, long hidden after retreating from the Time War and posing as a human. More of a match for The Doctor than ever after regenerating into John Simm, The Master became the Prime Minister of Great Britain, got married, and utilized his Laser Screwdriver to turn the The Doctor into a little wrinkled monkey-like homunculus.

Little wrinkled monkey-like homunculus

He was ultimately defeated by The Doctor’s companion Martha Jones and shot down by his own wife, and then out of sheer spite didn’t regenerate to save his own life, leaving the Doctor as the “Last of the Timelords” once more.

When you’re willing to die just to be a jerk, that’s true evil.

#2- Spiderman and Venom

Venom: “We live for moments like these spider-man. Me…Eddie Brock beating you down like the week-kneed little boy you are and then leaving you here, broken and bloodied, knowing that anytime we want we can come back and do it again.”

Yeah, he's scary, but that symbiote is gonna be useless after Labor Day.

Peter Parker has more than his fair share of problems. In point of fact, he’s probably the only guy in history whose life actually got worse when he got super powers. When you take the existence of Venom into account, you really have to wonder if all comic book writers don’t just loath not only Spiderman, but also everyone who happens to be standing close to him. Eddie Brock had the all the powers, twice the strength and the added bonus of not setting off Peter’s spider-sense, due to being bonded with Spiderman’s costume from an alien world; a symbiote grafted to his nervous system and feeding off his adrenaline. Venom was the penultimate dark version of Spiderman in terms of powers, looks, and even in terms of personality. Venom had a twisted conscience providing a parallel to Spiderman’s “power and responsibility” schpiel, espousing a fanatical zeal to protect innocents…unless said innocents get in the way of his revenge. Eddie Brock and the Symbiote were permanently separated in recent years and the symbiote was inherited by Mac Gargan, AKA the Scorpion. Sometime later Eddie became a warped version his old self due to the remaining venom cells in his body and a touch from Mister Negative. He became Anti-venom, ironically becoming the new Venom’s arch enemy, after this little exchange:

That's cold, Eddie.

#3- Captain Marvel and Black Adam

Black Adam: “In every shape, color and size, for as long as time is marked, it will always be a world of dictators.”

The driving force behind the aggression of most mirror image arch enemies is the choices that each antagonist chooses to make. The evil counterpart made the wrong choices and now wields their weapons/powers/abilities against humankind, leaving the hero to think “there but for the grace of God go I”. The hero makes all the right choices, defending humankind and making themselves a constant reminder to the villain that they were ultimately too weak to rise above their situations. This dichotomy has never been more clearly pronounced than in the acrimony between the two champions of the wizard Shazam. The first champion of the powerful wizard was imbued with his powers eight thousand years ago in ancient Egypt. His name was Teth Adam, and he was a servant to the pharaoh. It wasn’t long before he figured that since he had the super powers, HE should wear the daddy pants. He overthrew the pharaoh and assumed the throne. Many years later When Captain Marvel was chosen as Shazam’s latest avatar and shared his powers with Mary Marvel and Captain Marvel Jr. to form the Marvel  Family (now on tour with Hannah Montana), Teth, now known as Black Adam devoted himself to becoming a thorn in their side. Gifted with all the strength, speed and intelligence of the big red cheese, Black Adam proves a viable threat to Captain Marvel. It’s too bad most of the time he decided to just go straight and be a good guy. He’s gone from  a super villain to fighting alongside the JSA and most recently has assumed the throne of his ancestral home; the African (re: fictional) nation of Khandaq. Captain Marvel has successfully avoided any character development whatsoever…remaining a cheesy anachronism.

See?

Black Adam also gets extra points for not having that gay little half cape thing.

#4- The Flash and Zoom

Zoom: “Do you not see what I’ve I’ve done? I’ve shifted you into REVERSE!”

Seriously, how does that thing stay on his head when he's running?

For every super speedster that has worn the mantle of the The Flash, there has been a Reverse Flash. The first was Dr. Edward Clariss, a scientist who recreated the formula that gave Jay Garrick (you know, the original Flash with the plate on his head?) his powers. Fortunately for peace loving people everywhere, not so fortunately for Clariss, his formula turned out to be only temporary, allowing The Flash to soundly pwn him muchly. The second Reverse Flash was Eobard Thawn, born in the 25st century with a name so horribly bad, his only allotted course was a life of crime. He used a machine to energize one of the Flashs costumes, still awash with speed force energy so that whenever he wore it he had the Flash’s powers. He called himself Professor Zoom and became a perpetual thorn in the side of the latest Flash, Barry Allen (sans plate). After Barry made us all love him just a little bit more by breaking Thawne’s freaking neck and after his apparent death during the Crisis on Infinite Retcons, Wally West became The Flash. A new Reverse Flash was sure to follow. Hunter Zolomon was a police profiler who became good friends with The Flash, right up until he was paralyzed from the waste down by a giant talking gorilla, which is the kind of thing that’s bound to happen when you hang around super heroes. When Flash refused to go back in time to keep the accident from happening, Zolomon continued on the road towards super villainy and broke into the Flash museum to use the cosmic treadmill himself. It blew up and Zolomon went nuts, but gained the ability to manipulate his own personal timeline effectively faking super speed. He called himself Zoom and targeted not The Flash, but his wife Linda. His reasoning was that a personal tragedy would make The Flash a better hero, proving that not only was he willing to target innocents but also that he wasn’t above using the flimsiest excuse ever to rationalize it.

Douche.

#5- Buffy and Faith

Faith: “Well, look at you. All dressed up in big sister’s clothes.”
Buffy: “You told me I was just like you. That I was holding it in.”
Faith: “Ready to cut loose?”
Buffy: “Try me.”

Even before they became the bitterest of enemies Buffy Summers and Faith Lehane were high school age girls, which gave them ninja-like levels of passive aggressive animosity unknown even to the most diabolical super villain. When Faith first appeared and effortlessly insinuated herself into Buffy’s circle of friends (hereafter known as “the scooby gang” for those of you who have never watched Buffy and found this site accidentally), Buffy was suspicious of Faith’s reckless attitude and unchecked aggression. Ultimately though, it was Faith’s jealousy of Buffy’s stability and relationships (topped off with an accidental murder), that led to her betrayal.  She went to work for the Mayor of Sunnydale (re: evil sunshiny demon) and determined to kill the Slayer. Buffy then got her back by tricking Faith into revealing her true allegiance (with some help from Angel). So Faith shot angel in the chest with an arrow. Then Buffy stabbed her in the gut. After waking up from a coma, Faith then switched bodies with Buffy and assumed her identity while Buffy was captured. She even slept with her then boyfriend Riley (re: *yawn*) while she was disguised as Buffy. When confronted with her own self (in the form of an escaped Buffy) she revealed her own self loathing by beating Buffy all the time screaming at her like she was Faith. Buffy then used the same talisman that caused the switch to put things right.  Faith then walked the path of redemption, accepting the blame for her past crimes and yadda yadda yadda… blah blah blah. Don’t me wrong, I’m all about redemption, but let’s be honest, tell the truth and shame the devil. We like Buffy and Faith best when they’re wailing on each other.

BFF's

#6- Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow

Snake Eyes: “…..”

Waiting to flip out and kill the whole town as soon as some dude drops a fork.

When GI Joe first made it’s debut as the single greatest cartoon of the eighties (outside of Transformers), not much was done with Snake Eyes, the silent masked soldier. Possibly because creators  assumed that a ninja commando was just not interesting enough. But luckily, in the ensuing years someone in charge listened to the fans and so was developed one of the all time great grudge matches. Snake Eyes was a wondering former soldier seeking meaning in life after the death of his parents and sister in a car accident. He found his way to the Arishkage Clan ninjutsu school, where he met Storm Shadow and his uncle, the Hard Master. The two trained together, even becoming sword brothers, but Storm Shadow’s jealousy over his own uncle viewing Snake Eyes as the worthier student ate away at his soul. So in a fit of drastic overreacting he hired Cobra to assassinate the Hard Master. The Arishkage was disbanded, Snake Eyes joined GI Joe, and Storm Shadow joined Cobra. The hostility between them is deep, though I maintain that they’re both so ticked off because even though they’re ninjas and masters of invisibility, Zartan is more stealthy with that whole chamelion thing his skin does.

Making ninjas feel stupid since 1982

The two are both masters of several martial arts and various weapon forms, making them equally matched and making bouts between them equally awesome. But don’t take *MY* word for it… (Warning: The following video is violent yet strangely bloodless.)

#7- Captain Jack Harkness and Captain John Hart

Captain John Hart: “Ok, here’s what’s going to happen – everything you love, everything you treasure will die. I’m going to tear your world apart, Captain Jack Harkness. Piece by piece. Starting now. Maybe *now* you’ll want to spend some time with me.”

In the annals of all arch rivals it’s not unheard of for two enemies to call a truce against a common foe, or for the villain to join the side of the angels, or even for the former adversaries to become friends. Research all you like, to your heart’s content for ages and even so, you’re unlikely to find any canonical instances of a super villain making out with his/her arch enemy. On that note…

...Meet Captain John Hart.

This man wants to either kill you or sleep with you. Actually, it's probably both.

Hart was a rogue time agent and former partner of Jack’s (in *every* sense of the word), who had been through repeated rehabs for alcohol, drugs, sex, and murder addiction. It’s safe to say that none of the aforementioned rehabs stuck. When Captain John Hart made his first appearance, a bar-brawl ensued, followed by some intense second-basing, followed by drinks. After gaining Jack’s trust he managed to take out the entire Torchwood team (as in he incapacitated them, not took them out for cocktails) and tossed Jack off of a roof, assuming he’d killed him. As any fans of the character know, Jack survived (mainly due to the whole immortality thing), and saved John’s life when his scheme to steal a diamond from a former lover backfired. He would go on to trap Jack and the entire team under the rubble of an abandoned building, bomb the living crap out of Cardiff, and bury Jack alive for 2000 years. Jack has yet to do anything in retaliation, possibly because he’s hoping for another make-out session. In addition to the pair’s fondness for period war clothes and similar time watches, John and Jack also share their pansexual preferences, making any meeting between them more than a little creepy. When it was revealed that Hart was under the control of Jack’s long lost brother, Gray, Jack let him go and he opted to wonder the world and see what was so great about the time period. It’s anybody’s guess who’s side he’ll be on when he appears again, but the odds are he’ll probably go to bed with them.

#8- Green Lantern and Sinestro

Sinestro: “What do I want? I want to create a symbol of terror that will wash over the universe. I want that universe controlled with order. And I want all to realize that control comes not out of compassion, love, and hope–but out of fear! Fear leads all!”

They call me Mellow Yellooow...

Imagine a dying alien names you his successor as the keeper of peace in your sector of space and hands you the most powerful weapon on Earth, save one little proviso: it doesn’t work on anything yellow. Now imagine your arch rival, the man sworn to ruin your life, and destroy all you hold dear wields a similar weapon… that makes things that are, you guessed it, yellow. One really is forced to wonder why Hal Jordan never took a look and the situation and called shenanigans, but instead he decided to just deal with it and brutally pwn Sinestro whenever he reared his gigantic purple head. Once Sinestro was the single most highly decorated Green Lantern in the corp, due to the record of peace on his home planet of Korugar. It came to light, however that the reason Korugar was so peaceful was that Sinestro had basically conquered it. He was drummed out of the Green Lantern Corps, due to their “no purple headed despots” rule. Blaming the GL Corps in general and Hal Jordan in particular, Sinestro procured a yellow power ring and declared war. After a pretty distinguished career as a thorn in the side of Green Lantern, Sinestro was finally defeated by Jordan and imprisoned inside the Green Lantern’s power battery on Oa. Strangely, at the time no one was heard to refer to the whole “put-the-super-villain-in-the-source-of-power-for-every-green-lantern-in-the-universe” plan as retarded, or more to the point, suicide. Sinestro awoke the fear entity Parallax, also imprisoned in the battery (seriously, guardians, you never heard of a jail cell?) and the enitity possessed Hal Jordan and caused him to get mideival on reality, breaking Sinestro’s neck in the process. Jordan was finally offed by every superhero ever, who were all of the opinion that they liked reality the way it was, but since there are no pearly gates in superhero heaven, only revolving glass doors, soon both Jordan and Sinestro were resurrected and inflicting power-ring flavored vengeance upon each other. Sinestro has one-upped the corp of late by starting his own “Sinestro Corps” consisting of cosmic bad guys wielding yellow power rings (that run on fear) to counter the green power rings (that run on willpower). Actually, recent writers have gone nuts with the power rings of late; introducing red power rings (that run on rage), blue rings (hope) and rainbow power rings that run on being *FABULOUS*!

No longer the only game in town.

#9- The Hulk and The Abomination

The Abomination: “Any last words?”
The Hulk: “HULK SMASH!”

Kickin' it old school.

They’re big, they’re green and when they get into it, it’s a good bet a few buildings are gonna come down. The real interesting thing about this particular set of brawling behemoths though, lies not in their similarities but in their differences. Bruce Banner was a skinny nerdgeek with anger management issues. Emil blonsky was a KGB spy from Yugoslavia. Who would have thought that a little thing like a gamma bomb would ever bring them together? Some time after Bruce decided to relax in a nice warm gamma radiation bath and found that his temper tantrums now came with a property damage bill, Blonsky was dosed with the same radiation in an attempt to make him into a super being that could go toe to toe with The Hulk. It was a success. Blonsky became The Abomination, a creature with all the strength and regenerative capability of The Hulk, with the added bonus of maintaining his intelligence and self control. The only downside was the tiny, miniscule detail of not being able to revert back to human form (hey nothing’s perfect), and since eleven foot tall reptilian monsters with prehensile tails are kind of hard to snuggle with, Blonsky lost his wife as well. He blamed The Hulk and Bruce Banner for his misfortunes and tried again and again to best him in combat. This proved unsuccessful as punching a creature that’s powered by rage can at best be described as counter-productive. He then went the sneaky route, slowly poisoning Bruce’s wife Betty with his own blood, the idea being that when Bruce saw the gamma radiation in her system, he would blame himself. The ruse was brought to light, however, and Bruce laid the ultimate low blow on Blonsky by forgiving him. If there’s one thing dark reflection super villains can’t stand, it’s being forgiven (see #’s 1 and 5 on this list).

Off Broadway revival of Peter Pan.

#10- Darkwing Duck and Negaduck

Negaduck: “Ooh, Darkwing Duck! I’m so scared!”
Darkwing: “You should be!”
Negaduck: “I’m more afraid of early hair loss!”

The hero is the terror that flaps in the night, the villain is a chainsaw weilding psychopath, and the only hope you have of telling them apart is by the color of their clothes, or perhaps looking out for the one that’ll kick a puppy. The first Negaduck was a being made of particles of negative energy, separated from Darkwing after his good and bad sides were split.

Like so.

Honestly, if you were The Liquidator, would YOU be afraid of a chainsaw? I mean the guy is made of water!

The second was a little more substantial and given a little bit of a backstory. For everything that Darkwing Duck is, Negaduck is the opposite. This has a a lot to do with the fact that he hails from an alternate universe where everything is the opposite of it’s counterpart in the world of St. Canard as we know it. The orange clad feathered foe found his way into Darkwing’s world and proceeded immediately to start trashing the place. He even formed the Fearsome Five, a team of super villains dedicated to crime and destroying Darkwing Duck. One would think that super villains would have trouble getting along but fear of Negaduck kept them all in line. Darkwing in turn gathered the heroes of St. Canard and formed The Justice Ducks to combat this new threat.  Ultimately a three-way showdown was going to appear in a later episode where the first Negadauck mutated off Darkwing’s body and attempted to kill both Darkwing AND Negaduck 2! Unfortunately the show was canceled after the third season and the episode was never realized. Still we’ll always have this little nugget of evil from one of the greatest evil doppelgangers of all time:

Honorable Mention:

Afro Samurai and Afrodroid

Ninja Ninja: ” It’s like I’m watchin’ Afro fighting Afro fighting Afro, or somethin!”

Austin Powers and Dr. Evil

Start the discussion!

KYLE: First off, I certainly would NOT have wanted to see any of the cherished Original Trilogy characters as kids or anything ridiculous like that. But that doesn’t mean I would have cast Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru as young action heroes. Each prequel film would have taken place in a different era, ranging from thousands to finally maybe a hundred years prior to Episode IV. I would have been a lot more interested in the very beginning of the Jedi and Sith orders, early on as prophecies are made and tenets to operate by are devised. That way you can still have occasional hints towards what will come later (”No one will EVER make this Kessel Run in less than 18 parsecs!” and “One Sith will walk openly, his master will remain in shadows; no one will suspect their identity until it is TOO LATE!” and so on). I would be a lot more interested in the universe at large versus the origins of the handful of heroes and villains that decided the fate of their galaxy. I’m sure to play to the fans slightly that third prequel film would namedrop a couple lineages, or more likely show the origins of the man who would become Emperor Palpatine. Lots more moral gray areas and suspicious motivations, rather than the bland ineptness of the Jedi Order and far-too-easy manipulations of the Sith. How about you?

MIKE: I won’t knock the machinations of Sidious because if you take a few steps back and look at them from a distance and get the whole picture, they’re really kinda Machiavellian. I will admit the Jedi were rather inept and should have been a bit more aware of what was happeneing around them. Casting Anakin as a eight year old was a misstep, and made the relation between him and Padme kinda creepy. I would’ve liked to have seen him aged a bit, a little more roguish. I think I could’ve accepted an older character, more hard boiled and less prone to naivette’. I think the eventual transformation into Vader would’ve been a lot easier to swallow that way. As far as the current Clone Wars series; aside from it being a total cash-in, are we supposed to be sympathetic toward the clone troopers who we know are going to wipe out the Jedi? Also, how are old time fans supposed to reconcile these crack commandos with the canon fodder of the original movies who could barely hit a target and were prone to hitting their heads when entering a room? Do I even need to say no Jar-Jar?

LISSA: No Jar-Jar and no romantic dialogue, period. Anikan romancing Padme is still up there in “the most embarrassing cinema I’ve ever witnessed in my life.” But I think that’s a given, really. Is there anyone who’s not a thirteen year old girl that LIKED that?

I’m liking a lot of these points (especially not seeing so many of the original trilogy characters). Another thing I would add is LESS CGI. I know George was very proud of his cool toys, but he overdid it and it really became distracting. This is one of those times when less is more, y’know? If he’d done less CGI, he could have afforded some sets that weren’t deserts and the entire adventure wouldn’t have had to have so much time on Tatooine.

JUSTIN: I think the single biggest, and often unmentioned, problem with the prequels is: you know exactly how it turns out. I really dislike movies that are leading up to a conclusion that I’m more than familiar with, because it doesn’t leave a lot of room for suspense and doubt. It’s reverse engineering a plot from a finish point.

So one option is simply to disconnect the prequels from the original trilogy by a factor of time, like Kyle mentioned. The video game Knights of the Old Republic went back 4,000 years to tell their story, but they still had Jedi, Sith and a very Star Warsian feel — and it worked. The 4,000 year barrier also was sufficiently long enough so that even though it is a prequel, you don’t necessarily know what’s going to happen.

If we did have to stick with Lucas’ intention of telling the story of Darth Vader, I would’ve liked to see him become corrupt and evil and all dark side of the Force by sometime in the middle of episode one. Here’s an idea: they should have really turned the concept of good and evil on its ear, by making the Galactic Empire’s rise to power a perverted, noble attempt at wresting power from a very corrupt, despicable Republic. Make Vader the underdog, with a group of friends who are fighting for what they think is the right way to rule the galaxy, and in so doing, make us cheer them on. But then by the last film, they’ve gone too far — betrayals, friendships disintigrating, power corrupting — and the Empire ends up worse than the Republic was, making the Rebels the new noble force.

Let’s hear what the Mutants have to say!

Mike: It’s funny, a friend of mine actually coined a term for this phenomena: Darkman Syndrome. It’s a weird category here. Mortal Kombat at the time it came out was the coolest thing I’d ever seen, and upon seeing it more recently I literally cringed at the crappy CGI, atrocious dialogue, and wooden acting, but alternatively, Howard the Duck has only improved in my estimation. Go fig.

Lissa: I’ll take your word on Howard the Duck, because there’s no WAY I am EVER watching that again. The once from my childhood was enough, thanks, and there’s not enough booze in the world for me to recant that.

It’s been mentioned before in reviews, but The Neverending Story is one that just doesn’t age well. Which is sad, because the book is even cooler than I remember it, especially with its colored text. But the movie… yeah. Wish dragons aren’t as awesome as I remember.

Heather: Um…it’s a luck dragon, Lissa. Get your outdated 80’s icons right, won’t ‘ya? Sheesh! Well as I’ve just made painfully obvious I can still stomach Neverending Story (and love to dance to the theme on DDR Extreme). What really wrenched my childhood memories on the rewatch is Flight Of The Navigator. That was my favorite movie of all time and I spent countless hours in front of the television watching it whenever it ran on The Disney Channel. I only wish it were half as amazing to me now as it was then. “Get around, ’round, ’round, I get around!”

Mike: That’s funny! My four-year-old nephew just now picked that movie out of my DVD collection. Also, did you know it looks as though Disney is remaking it? I’m still kinda blown away by the space ship design, if a tad underwhelmed by some effects and Joey Cramer’s performance (and yes, I had to look him up). PS – I’m not saying Howard the Duck isn’t a miserable, poorly written failure, I’m just saying it’s the kind of miserable failure I can get into…for free…on Hulu.

Lissa: Luck dragon, wish dragon… either way it doesn’t breathe fire and smite its enemies, and therefore it has now become lame (says the woman who reviews any princess movie that comes out).  You know, speaking of Disney, there’s a category in itself.  I used to love all things Disney.  Still do like a lot of it, but now that I’m being forced to rewatch much of the collection, I’m rather amazed that I was as devoted to some of the older movies as I was.  (Although I still love the Prince John song from Robin Hood, and always will.  Phil Harris =  one of the best voices EVER in animation.)

Drew: Any movie I dragged my poor mother to in the theater. Mom, I’m so sorry. Masters of the Universe was not worth coming back to the next day because the projector broke in the middle of the film. And that one about the kid who gets a blank check and cashes it for a million dollars? Ugh. Home Alone, of course. Oh, and The Wizard — in those pre-Internet days, we would have paid $6 just for a glimpse of Super Mario 3 ahead of time. The rest of the movie was superfluous… but, much like the Power Glove, so bad.

Justin: One of my nephews’ name is Lucas, and every time I see him, I make a Power Glove joke (much to the dismay of his parents).

There were a ton of movies we watched repeatedly “back in the day” that aren’t worth spit to me now. Neverending Story, yes, although it’s iconic enough to still be useful. Lots of Disney movies come to mind — Sword in the Stone, Great Mouse Detective, The Rescuers (that was Disney, right?). My brothers and I also watched this TV movie called “The Rescue”, which was a highly-laughable ripoff of (of all things) Iron Eagle — Navy SEALS are captured during a dangerous mission, and it’s only up to their kids to invade (I think) North Korea to bust them out of jail.

Oh, and Short Circuit 2… yeah, I wouldn’t give it the time of day right now, but I must’ve memorized it way back when.

The Scoop: 2008 PG-13 Directed by Pierre Morel and starring Liam Neeson and Famke Janssen

Tagline: They took his daughter. He’ll take their lives.

Summary Capsule: EX CIA spook goes on a 90 minute killing spree to get back his kidnapped daughter.

Mike’s Rating: …and you though he was scary in Darkman.

Mike’s Review: Lets be honest here. This movie is a straight-up popcorn muncher action flick with more than a little escapism thrown in for good measure. The plot comes within striking distance of preposterous at times, and the plethora of unbelievable coincidences don’t really hold up to extended scrutiny. Of course if you’re anything like me, you won’t care about any of that while watching this. You’ll be too busy just marveling at how indescribably cool Liam Neeson is as Bryan Mills, an ex CIA operative who in the course of this film kills more men than cancer.

The film opens on Mills buying a karaoke machine for his estranged daughter, Kim. He’s on his way to her 17th birthday being held by her mother Lenore (Famke Janssen) and obscenely wealthy step-father Stuart. Once there we see that Mills’ ex is not exactly happy to have him around, to the point where she actively tries to keep him away from Kim and takes joy in watching Stuart show him up with the gift of a thoroughbred. Mills has retired from the Agency after years of his family coming second. He wants to be in his daughter’s life, but Lenore has her mind made up that it’s too little, too late. When it comes up that Kim wants to take a trip with a friend to Paris and needs Mill’s permission he’s understandably concerned, but looking to score brownie points he gives permission — with the condition that she call him daily. Kim then gets kidnapped, mainly due to her BFF being the single most stupid human being on the face of this or any other world.

A word now about the friend, Amanda. Seriously, every teenage girl in America should watch this movie just to see an example of what you want to do if you just don’t feel as if your vacation abroad will be complete without getting kidnapped and sold into slavery. First she shares a cab with a random stranger. Okay, you’re being thrifty and you think he’s cute. No harm done. Then, she jumps at his invite to a “party” with nary a question or second thought. Fine, parties are fun, you’re in Paris and you don’t want to spend the whole time in your hotel room. Once they get out of the cab, now that the stranger has their address, she proceeds to ask him to pick them up for the aforementioned shindig, and lets him know that they’ll be in the hotel, on the fifth floor, alone, and that the door will probably be unlocked, hinting that he should probably pay them a visit. At this point, it’s fairly obvious that this girl is mentally devoid to the point where it’s almost politically incorrect to make fun of her. I’d like to say that this took me out of the movie because no girl could ever really be this stupid, but… well… never mind.

Since Kim is smart enough to call her dad once she realizes she’s gone traipsing through Europe with a self destructive halfwit, he hears in detail when they inevitably get kidnapped. From there it’s the thrill ride we all came to see. Mills tracks down the kidnappers with an arsenal of skills, contacts and a ruthlessness people rarely see in any protagonist in television or movies outside of Jack Bauer. He’s an unstoppable killing machine with a ticking clock, increasing his sense of desperation the closer he gets to Kim.

Now as I mentioned before, the unbelievability of the plot and over the top nature of the actions scenes would ordinarily relegate this film to the status of ‘brainless explosion flick’, but Liam Neeson’s performance as Mills transcends the genre and takes the whole film with it. Mills as a character on paper is a cardboard cutout of the action hero; outsmarting good and bad guys alike, effortlessly infiltrating gangs of sex-slavers, taking on a room full of dangerous men without so much as a bruise, hitting every target, and coming out ahead in every car chase. In the hands of any other actor it would’ve come off as asinine and laughable, but Neeson is just so spot on in his performance that you’re taken along for the ride and simply accept the reality the film has to offer.

Like I said, this is mainly due to Neeson’s acting, but a few nods have to go to Luc Besson, (Leon: The Professional, La Femme Nikita, The Fifth Element). Written and produced (though not directed) by Besson, this is his film, teeming with his usual philosophical violence, fully fleshed out characters and haunting images. Highly recommended.

Not pictured: the light at the end of the tunnel he's about to send you into.

Didja Notice?

• The CIA is apparently WAY more on top of things than we’re led to believe.
• Why exactly did Mills have to scale a wall to get into the girl’s room? Couldn’t he have just entered through a door?
• Seeing as how Mills always goes in unarmed, it’s convenient how the thugs keep supplying him with weapons.
• The difference between the weight of a gun that is loaded and one that is not loaded is of extreme importance.
• Liam Neeson cannot be killed by conventional weaponry.

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

Nah.

Intermission!

• The fighting art primarily used in this movie is Nagasu Do.
• Former Special Air Service soldier Mick Gould trained Liam Neeson in combat and weapons handling skills to prepare him for the role.

Groovy Quotes

Bryan: How about this? How about if I go along? You won’t even know I’m there. I’m very good at being invisible.
Lenore: As you so amply demonstrated for the rest of her life.

Bryan: I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Bryan: That is what happens when you sit behind a desk. You forget things, like the weight in the hand of a gun that’s loaded and one that’s not.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Death Sentence
• The Bourne Trilogy
• Commando

Some time ago I saw Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. Having been the only person in my circle of friends who didn’t revile the previous installation, I was rooting for this one to blow everybody away. In my humble opinion it didn’t disappoint. The action scenes were amazing, particularly in the last 60 minutes. The ongoing love story between Will and Elizabeth is bittersweet yet peppered with humor, and you really get a sense of how far each will go for the other (even as they are in a tiff at the start of movie regarding Elizabeth’s little tryst with Jack). The scenes in the mystical and titular ‘World’s End’ were delightfully bizarre and at times hauntingly beautiful. And of course Johnny Depp scores again as Jack Sparrow.

I came home and looked up the reviews as I am wont do for movies, fully expecting raving reviews and thunderous accolades. Yet every review I read couldn’t stop going on about how much the movie sucked. I boggled and wondered aloud: “Were we watching the same movie?”

Honestly I didn’t get it. Any more than I understood the bile-rising hatred of Dead Man’s Chest. Finally I think I figured out what’s bothering me. I honestly think film critic’s well-practiced and self-aggrandizing cynicism is affecting the general public. Nobody goes to a movie to watch a movie anymore, just to pick it apart. Suspension of disbelief is a crucial component to enjoying a film, and really it’s getting harder and harder to create an image that our minds will latch onto and accept. this problem has gotten worse with film critics gleefully pointing out every. single. flaw. You can’t be cynical and still let yourself fall into a story. it just doesn’t work. Now don’t get me wrong, sometimes a movie just stinks to high heavens, and deserves to be ripped apart. The thing is, a lot of movie aren’t horrible and not terrific but just middle of the road. I think these days, when you come to a movie that’s not absolutely spectacular people’s first reaction is just to say it sucked, and I think it’s because as movie goers, we’ve listened too much to critics.

Also, I think that maybe movie goers have just become spoiled. With digital effects more realistic and expensive than ever, it’s getting harder and harder to tell a story visually that anyone will buy. You think kids alive today will be able to view the original King Kong with the same sense of wonder that the people watching it in the 1930’s would, after watching the Peter Jackson version? What about Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? I loved the Tim Burton version, but couldn’t help but notice now the original which shined so bright when I was a child, seems kind of drab now. Images these days have to be so indistinguishable from reality that we’ve lost out ability to let our imaginations take over and drive us the rest of the way.

Filmmakers are still putting the same amount of heart into wanting to tell a story and give people something amazing for a little while, but the people are no longer as willing to let themselves be transported back to when they were kids and the lights went down in the theater, and it’s really kinda sad, because without that sense of wonder, a movie really is just a movie.

The Scoop: 2008 R, Directed by Zach Snyder, Starring Billy Crudup, Malin Ackerman and Carla Gugino.

Tagline: They watch over us… but who watches them?

Summary Capsule: Alan Moore’s ‘unfilmable’ magnum opus gets filmed.

Mike’s Rating: This movie is afraid… I have seen it’s true face…

Mike’s Review: I’m unique among most sequential art (that’s comic books to you lay people) aficionados, in that I don’t deify Alan Moore or his creepy magic beard as the second coming, and while I was just as blown away as anybody by his ridiculously intricate and layered storytelling in the Watchmen graphic novel, I was never of the opinion that to make a movie based on said masterpiece would ever be akin to heretical blasphemy. Now that the movie has been made, I want you to go look out the window, taking note that the world has, in fact, not stopped spinning, then pick up the dog-eared copy of the graphic novel and you’ll find it’s still there and did not burst into flames in a show of unbridled outrage. See? Everything’s ok. Now take a deep cleansing breath and go back to making fairy tale porn, Mr. Moore.

Alright, now that I’ve snarked at a comics legend, let’s talk about the movie. Set in an alternate 1985, (anybody else flashing back to Back to the Future Part II…? Not just me..? Awesome.) in which America and Russia stand on the brink of nuclear armageddon, costumed vigilante cum government spook The Comedian is thrown to his death from his penthouse apartment. Fellow crimefighter Rorschach takes it upon himself to investigate the murder, convinced that the trail will lead to a serial killer picking off costumed heroes. Said heroes, who have been forced into retirement since 1977, include Nite Owl and Silk Spectre, a couple of second generation heroes who find themselves falling back into adventuring, Ozymandias, the “world’s smartest man”, and Doctor Manhattan, a near omnipotent (and uncomfortably naked) superhero who is losing touch with humanity.

When I first viewed the trailer for Watchmen, I was gob-smacked at how pretty it was, but a bit worried as well. The original Watchmen comic was, after all, better known for it’s mind-blowing epic story and zillions of intertwining sub-plots. I feared that the story would be back-burnered in favor of sheer spectacle. As it turns out, Zack Snyder does an amazing job bringing Moore’s four-color creations to the big screen. It’s a shame that Alan Moore insisted on having his name removed from this one, actually, because it really is a great film that offers some terrific action sequences and special effects without sacrificing any of the essentials of the story. The characters are larger than life, yet flawed and believable at the same time. They’re human beings, whose motivations are explored and fully realized. Rorschach’s story is exceptionally scary and heartbreaking at the same time, and his character definitely got the most cheers during the opening-night viewing I attended.

Perhaps the biggest triumph of the movie is the way it portrays just how cool it is to be a superhero (being able to take a room full of tough guys, playing with ultra cool tech gadgets, getting the girl), while at the same time showing how such a life can eat away at your sanity. In a world where we have flicks like Batman Begins and Dark Knight, the superhero deconstruction myth is not exactly a new idea, but Watchmen did it first and this movie proves that it did it the best. The fight scenes are brutal and well choreographed. The effects are gorgeous and various scenes are almost perfect recreations of the comics book panels. The soundtrack was especially well done and made for a great time stamp of the era being portrayed, particularly during the opening credits sequence. Even the infamously tweaked ending elicits the same shock and speculation. In fact, I’d go so far as to say it even makes more sense than the original and makes the comic ending seem a little silly. That being said: please send all flames to Cheshirekat5865@gmail.com.

The only real complaint I’d have is that certain scenes seem overly lascivious and ultimately gratuitous. I know I might run the risk of being labeled a prude here, but do we really need to watch two characters have graphic sex in slow motion for a full minute? That same scene was dealt with discreetly in the comic with silhouettes and I felt that to sit through this unnecessary scene for so long took me out of the story a bit… and yes I found the inclusion of Doctor Manhattan’s package more than a little distracting.

If that kinda thing doesn’t bother you, or if you don’t mind staring at the ceiling for a couple of scenes I highly recommend this, whether you’re a fan of the comic or not. I’ll go so far as to say this is the most intelligent superhero movie made in recent memory, and this is with Dark Knight still fresh in my mind.

The Blue Man Group’s new 'nude emo' look didn’t go over well.

• Ozymandias’ German accent when he’s not in public?
• How much Nite Owl and Silk Spectre look like Clark Kent and Lois Lane?
• Tears for Fears “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” playing in Veidt’s lobby?
• Doc Manhatten’s package? Yeah, if I was packin’ that much heat, I’d walk around naked all the time too.

Intermission!

• Nathan Fillion was considered for the roles of The Comedian and Nite Owl.
• Darren Aronofsky and Paul Greengrass were both previously scheduled to direct.
• The first official image from director Zack Snyder – a test shot of Rorshach holding The Comedian’s button – was actually hidden in a trailer for Snyder’s previous film, 300. It features the film’s associate producer, Wesley Coller, wearing a makeshift mask in front of a composite New York backdrop, and was created as an experiment by Snyder to establish the mood and look of his proposed Watchmen project. Snyder’s wife, Deborah Snyder, bet him $100 that no one would discover it, while he was convinced that someone would find it almost immediately. He won.

Groovy Quotes

Nite Owl: At least I’m not the one still hiding behind a mask.
Rorschach: No, you’re hiding in plain sight.

The Comedian: Here I am spilling my guts to my arch enemy. Truth is, Moloch, you’re the closest thing I have to a friend. What does that say?

Silk Spectre: Breaking into a national security prison is not the same thing as fighting a tenement fire.
Nite Owl: You’re right. It’s more fun.

Lee Iacocca: And we all know ‘free’ is just another word for communist.

Rorschach: Funny story. Sounds unbelievable. Probably true.

Rorschach: You keep calling me Walter. I don’t Like you.
Dr. Malcolm Long: Oh… why not?
Rorschach: You’re Fat.

Rorschach: None of you understand! I’m not locked in here with you! You’re locked in here with me!

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• 300
• Sin City
• Wanted