This is the first in a series of articles on the music of the James Bond film series, with occasional forays into music inspired by the films, as well as music that clearly should have been included for various obvious reasons.

For the inaugural article on the music of the James Bond films, one would think I would pick out a fairly monumental theme song; one that topped the charts here and in the UK and continues to make its presence felt on the radio, on iTunes, or perhaps just in the minds of burgeoning fans as they pop their Bond DVDs into their home systems and find their minds blown by Bondmania.

But, no. I’m not only choosing one of the arguably more obscure Bond theme songs, I’m choosing the ending titles disco version that probably plays to empty living rooms across the world, as people get up to stretch or run to the bathroom. Heaven forbid they turn off the film right as the credits begin to roll: sacrilege!

Yes, for today’s analysis I’m highlighting “Moonraker (End Title)” by Shirley Bassey, from 1979’s Moonraker starring Roger Moore as James Bond.

In terms of the audience being prepared for the disco-flavored remix of “Moonraker (Main Title)” by the film itself, “Moonraker (End Title)” couldn’t ask for a better, more uproarious set-up. NASA scientists pick up the video feed from inside the Moonraker shuttlecraft to broadcast simultaneously to the White House and Buckingham Palace after Bond and Bond girl Dr. Goodhead (Lois Chiles) have saved the world, only to find Bond and Goodhead in coitus. Which is amusing enough, but Q’s presumably shuttle-trajectory-based observation of the action makes even noted professional critics’ Unofficial List of ‘Greatest Double-Entendres Ever.’

Laughter and charm give way to an utterly disco creation, full of bubbly synth beats and subliminal urging to dance like Ted Stryker in Airplane. The accumulated global knowledge of Wikipedia informs the production process of both versions of the Moonraker theme, noting how Kate Bush, Frank Sinatra, and Johnny Mathis were considered to perform the song. When ultimately these candidates fell through, Shirley Bassey was brought in fairly last-minute to record both versions; Bassey’s third Bond theme song performance. Due to the last-minute nature of the recordings, Bassey felt understandably distanced from the songs and neither version received much promotion. And so the Moonraker soundtrack generally remains overlooked, sandwiched as it is between Sheena Easton’s fabulous ‘For Your Eyes Only’ and Carly Simon’s iconic and near-mythic ‘Nobody Does it Better’ (for The Spy Who Loved Me).

And yet, both of Bassey’s performances are up to her usual Bond theme standard of excellence. The ballad version which opens the film is admittedly the stronger of the pair, playing both to the strength of Bassey’s voice and the iconic Bond main title visual sequences. But the disco version maintains its own kind of dignity, capturing both the zeitgeist of the times (Moonraker fusing the sci-fi sensibilities of Star Wars with the blockbuster formula of the Bond series, recalling both the straight-faced indulgences of the 1970’s and foreshadowing the overblown excess of the impending 1980’s) and the inherent poppy fun of the James Bond film. Even better than the ballad version, however, the disco version calls attention to the utter illogic of the nonsensical song lyrics only to urge, through fun and frivolity, any listener to set aside the call for coherence and instead revel in the escapades of every stripe of Our Hero James Bond.

Consider these song lyric, from the soundtrack by John Barry. What exactly is this song about? From whose perspective is this narrative told? Is the “moonraker” the actual Moonraker space shuttle from the film, or is James Bond himself a moonraker? Considering no one actually steps foot on the moon in the film, just what the hell is going on?

Moonraker by Shirley Bassey

Where are you? Why do you hide?

Where is that moonlight trail that leads to your side?

Just like the moonraker goes in search of his dream of gold,

I search for love, for someone to have and hold,

I’ve seen your smile in a thousand dreams

Felt your touch and it always seems

You love me

You love me

Where are you? When will we meet?

Take my unfinished life and make it complete

Just like the moonraker knows

His dream will come true someday

I know that you are only a kiss away

I’ve seen your smile in a thousand dreams

Felt your touch and it always seems

You love me

You love me.

From a poetic perspective, this is both highly metaphorical and obtuse. If this were a film about a gold prospector, or perhaps an astronaut incarnation of Indiana Jones, it would fit quite perfectly. For a cinematic adventure of a British secret agent, the logic is a little more problematic.

However, along with the best of the Bond themes, the performer and the composition make it all pop and come together in just the right way, and so does Moonraker’s dynamic duo of title tracks sparkle in all the right ways. Both versions are unfairly relegated to second-tier status, and I urge you to consider giving both a second listen. While definitely lacking the timeless quality of Duran Duran’s ‘A View to a Kill’ or Simon’s ‘Nobody Does it Better,’ ‘Moonraker (End Title)’ is both defined and unconstrained by its late ‘70s birthing. While those who despise Roger Moore’s era as Bond will never be won over, those capable of considering (and being willing to ignore at leisure) context when regarding a piece of art will find much to be entertained and amused by.

The Scoop: 2009 PG-13, directed by Stephen Sommers and starring Christopher Eccleston, Channing Tatum and Sienna Miller

Tagline: When All Else Fails, They Don’t

Summary Capsule: G.I. Joe gets the boot… a reboot, with Destro trying to eat all the metal in the world and Duke joining the Joes for the first time (wait, isn’t he supposed to be the leader?).

Kyle’s Rating: If I hadn’t walked out of the theater at 1 a.m. I would have ran right to the store for some G.I. Joe action figures!

Kyle’s Review: I’m pretty sure your enjoyment of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra will be heavily predicated upon your personal history of play with the iconic G.I. Joe line of toys. If your immediate response to that is “I never played with them!” feel free to ignore both this review and the film itself; it’s not so much you don’t deserve to enjoy either as it is I can’t imagine there being much entertainment there for you. I personally had fun with the film, though I never intend to see it again. But I don’t see why a weak action film in the vein of The Mummy and Van Helsing would hold any interest for you if you never cared enough to at least buy a Snake Eyes figure that came with Timber.

While I respect Justin’s opinion, I don’t necessarily agree with his analysis of certain pop culture legacies being defined primarily by their cinematic incarnations. If anything, more and more people are aware of the fact that the movie versions tend to be total bastardizations of the source material, and are willing to take advantage of sales and cheap prices on DVDs and reissued/re-imagined toys to see just what all the fuss was about in the first place with things like Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and now GI Joe. The crappy movie adaptations are gateway drugs to the original material, not definitive capstones.

Regarding the film, though: you could have thrown darts at random choose-your-own-adventure plot twists pinned to a wall and arranged your hits in any order to come up with a more intriguing story than what ROC here gives us. Stephen Sommers has proven time and time again he can start up a story that dutifully follows an action-packed straight line from beginning to end credits, but has never displayed any sort of playful deviation or nuance that would render such a work memorable. You can follow who is who, dialogue and actions make it painfully obvious who is good and who is bad, and any potential subtext gets utterly drowned in pyrotechnics and declarative dialogue. This is not a subtle film in the slightest, nor does it require much in the way of brain processing. For being a film that is supposed to kick off a film series, supposed to leave us at the end wondering just what the nascent Cobra organization is planning to achieve next, I’m not sure many theatergoers are leaving showings looking forward to a sequel. Or even the DVD release of this one, for that matter.

Not to be anti-American, but when I was playing with my GI Joes, some funny things tended to happen. Namely, the forces of Cobra won more often than not. The world was never enslaved, and all prisoners were freed and reclaimed, but Cobra usually fulfilled their objectives despite Joe resistance. That is, they managed to procure the big missiles, destroy the Joe’s base of operations, and secure the downstairs leather couch as their domain. My Joes were battle-savvy and determined, but Cobra was just way more wild with their strategy and willing to risk everything to ever be completely defeated. Plus, hooded Cobra Commander, the Baroness, and Destro were clearly the biggest brains on the playing field; no Joe other than Snake Eyes could hope to compete with their far-reaching plans, and even Snake Eyes’ lightning wit pertained more to wits in hand-to-hand combat than grand strategies.

No film version, especially in these times, is going to be so cavalier and allow Cobra to maintain the upper hand for the majority of the running time. I suppose there is a touch of wish fulfillment in seeing G.I. Joe as a global strikeforce with a massive technological marvel of a home base, indicating a world where at least the best of the best are able to work across borders and stereotypes to strive for a better world. But again, Sommers is not the director who can infuse a film with the silver lining of such an implication, nor is he adept enough to balance or overshadow such an idea with the looming world-dominating threat Cobra can and should present. It would be an interesting film where Cobra is constantly on the verge of either taking over the world or destroying it, and GI Joe is the only thing just barely keeping them in check. But this one is not that in the slightest, and I can’t imagine us getting a (at least live-action) such film anytime soon. Our only hope: a new animated series or direct-to-DVD extravaganza! Here’s hoping!

Didja Notice?

• To “weaponize” a nanite warhead means to shoot it with lasers until it becomes glowy.  It’s pretty much like throwing a burrito into a microwave.
• What can a huge fat Bhudda guy teach anybody about being a ninja?  Apparently not much, since he gets stabbed by a six-year-old.
• If your team gets arrested by the French police, then you might as well disband as a unit.  There’s no going back after that point.
• This movie needs to cut ALL of its flashbacks, thankyouverymuch.
• Am I the only one who thought the advanced COBRA guns shot like the Stormtroopers’ blasters set on stun from A New Hope?  Am I that geeky?
• Brendan Fraser!
• Guess Cover Girl wasn’t slated for the sequel…

Groovy Quotes

General Hawk: Technically, we don’t exist. We answer to no one. And when all else fails, we don’t.

Duke: Ok, that was crazy… What happened to you?
Ripcord: I went through the train. What happened to you?
Duke: I jumped over it.
Ripcord: [pause] You can do that?

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• G.I. Joe: The Movie
• G.I. Joe PSAs
• Transformers

The Scoop: 2009 PG-13, directed by Michael Bay and starring Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, and Megan Fox’s breasts in slow motion

Tagline: Revenge is coming. 

Summary Capsule: Special effects gurus secure themselves an Oscar nomination by hiding Megan Fox’s tattoos for 2 1/2 hours. Also, giant transforming robots.

Kyle’s Rating: Now I understand how people felt about POTC: Dead Man’s Chest

Kyle’s Review: There are certainly limits to how much slack one give a film. Nowadays, some will pass judgment based on the theatrical trailer alone, which I tend to think is much too overzealous, though I would be lying if I said I have any hope at all for August’s G.I. Joe film adaptation based on the ridiculous-looking previews I have had to sit through. Casting and direction can make or break a film in the eyes of many; I can surely count with only one hand the number of close trusted friends whose eyes don’t narrow almost imperceptibly every time I admit to liking Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox. Hell, I like the first Transformers! Combine that with my strange and admittedly unique aesthetic tastes (see: my recent Twilight review), and I was one of the few people over the age of 12 in southern California who looked forward to Transformers Revenge of the Fallen. If only as a loud and boisterous summer blockbuster.

I recall it taking about ten minutes for me to surrender to a sense of utter dissatisfaction, alleviated only by the huge box of popcorn Angela had me balance on my lap throughout the entire runtime. At one point about one hour in, when Erin shifted in her seat I was about to lean over and whisper “I’ll leave with you and wait for them in the parking lot if you like” until it was clear she was only getting comfortable. Sadly, when I relayed my feelings to her later, she was like “Wait, I would have left then, too!”

Yes, T:ROTF is completely awful. I was never engaged with the film in the slightest, none of the actors who were at best charming and at worst interesting in the first film had any freedom to do anything, and I HATED anything that popped up for the first time (idiotic college roommate, I’m looking at you). My only self-amusement came early on, when as has been commented on across so many blogs, it really did seem as though the Autobots were hunting down Decepticons largely minding their own business and brutally murdering them. Michael Bay would surely say that was some sort of commentary. On what, I wonder?

I’m not sure if it was irrepressible shallowness or boredom with the proceedings that made me wish the ‘surprise’ ‘hidden’ Decepticon (whose inclusion, illogic and impossibility of aside, at least raised my interest a bit, though not intellectually . . .) was the main villain of the entire film. Or even the hero! But when minor details are more enthralling than anything related to the main event, it is surely a sign of diminishing returns on the filmmakers’ parts and a polite request for a refund on yours.

The massive box office take thus far would seem to imply the third (and any future? No!) film in the series will be more of the same. I would implore to anyone involved to examine the fact that even the most strident defender of this film’s entertainment value is at a loss to disentangle most of the action scenes involving more than two robots. Anticlimactic forest battle included. More is not more here, it’s actually less when you can’t tell one fast-moving robot from another. I’m disinclined to bother commenting on the racial element of the Autobot twins when the movie itself (apparently) has the evil Decepticons who combine into the big sand-sucking thing crawling around the pyramid simultaneously fighting soldiers in the desert ruins. Summer blockbuster disregard for time and space, or a sign of not really caring when the opening weekend b.o. number promises to be HUGE?

If they, specifically YOU, Michael Bay, don’t care, why should I?

Didja Notice?

• The college scenes were shot at the University of Pennsylvania (meh) and Princeton University (woo!). Oddly, I didn’t recognize any of the architecture from Princeton. If I ever decide to see the movie again, I’ll have to look for it.
• Aaron the long-suffering presidential bodyguard from24 is the general. Has Glenn Morshower ever played a civilian?
• There’s something profoundly wrong about an Autobot ice cream truck with a decal reading “Decepticons, suck my popsicle.”
• For the second movie running, they don’t explain why the Allspark only creates evil robots.
• Spike’s pretty grateful to Bumblebee for saving his, Sparkplug’s and Judy’s lives. “Get in the garage!”
• Remember kids, that’s S-T-A-T-E F-A-R-M. Be sure to tell mommy and daddy!
• I always wondered whether Spike’s mom heard him losing his virginity. Good to finally have that answered.
• College has changed in the last seven years. Back then girls didn’t start dancing on tables until the end of the night, and it wasn’t the attractive ones.
• It is pretty hilarious that Megatron boasts to Starscream, “Even in death, there is no command but mine”… and then literally ten seconds later, calls the Fallen “my master.”
• Bad Boys II, Michael Bay? If you have to endlessly reference your own movies, keep it to the better ones, huh? Ain’t nothing wrong with Bad Boys I.
• If it’s so important that Spike be kept alive, you’d think the Decepticons might be a bit more careful than, you know, dropping him from several stories up. On purpose.
• PRIIIIIIIIIME!!!
• I’m sorry, I’m sorry… the government just supposedly covered up the events of the last movie from the general public? I guess as far as all-out assaults on L.A. in front of thousands of witnesses go, it was pretty discreet.
• The Autobot base is in New Jersey? Hell yeah.
• Bumblebee’s got a real fondness for Tom Hanks.
• Yeah, it’s probably pretty easy to drive a Camaro through the desert.
• No car chase is complete unless a fruit stand gets destroyed. I think it’s union regulations or something.
• Is it even possible for anyone born after 1978 to see a neon green dump truck and not immediately think “Devastator”?
• Arise, Rodimus Optimus Prime!

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

There are two scenes, both of them at the beginning of the credits. Mikaela kisses Spike and rides off on a motorcycle, and Spike gets welcomed back to his Astronomy class.

Intermission!

Jetfire (called “Skyfire” on the cartoon) was a former friend of Starscream’s when they were both scientists. Crash landing on Earth before Cybertron’s civil war started, he was discovered thousands of years later and revived. Starscream initially recruited him to the Decepticons, but Jet/Skyfire rejected their violent ways and joined the Autobots instead. The idea of him combining with Optimus Prime to make the latter more powerful stems from recent cartoon series Transformers Armada, as well as from the comics, where Prime died but came back later with advanced armor as “Powermaster Optimus Prime.”  Additionally, Jetfire’s teleportation ability may have been borrowed from one of Starscream’s old cronies, Skywarp. In this film, Megatron still transforms into a Cybertronian jet but also displays a tank form, a nod to the original toy line. Initially Megatron changed into a very realistic-looking Walther P38 handgun. However, after toy laws became more stringent in the late 80’s, lifelike toy guns could no longer be sold. Thus, when the Transformers toy line was revived in 1993, he was re-envisioned as an M1 Abrams tank. (The comic storyline accompanying this explained that Megatron’s original body was destroyed and, in a Transformers/G.I. Joe crossover, Cobra found his remains and constructed a new body for him.) In the original cartoon, Soundwave (whose face the Decepticon logo is based on) transformed into a cassette player, and Ravage was one of his tapes that transformed into a jaguar. For the movie, Soundwave was reimagined as an orbiting satellite, but in a nod to his original form, he still fires Ravage out of his chest. The cartoon version of Arcee was a female Autobot, introduced in the animated movie and featured prominently in the third season. In the comic continuity, Optimus Prime had her created on Earth as an attempt to appease angry feminists accusing the all-male Transformers of sexism. (The protestors ultimately viewed Arcee as a token gesture and remained upset anyway, but the story’s worth it just to hear Jazz describe the difference between genders as “it appears to be something to do with the upper chassis design…”) For RotF, Arcee was reimagined as a trio of motorcycles/robots who share a 3-in-1 hive mind. The Fallen’s origins lie with a comic miniseries from 2003 that told stories set in the Transformers’ past on Cybertron. He was one of the original thirteen Transformers, but rebelled against his creator Primus to ally with Primus’ enemy Unicron.

Groovy Quotes

Epps [about Optimus Prime]: You gotta wonder – if God made us in His image, who made him?

Galloway: Soldier, you’re paid to shoot, not talk.
Epps: Don’t tempt me.

Bumblebee: Houston, we have a problem.

Wheelie [about Mikaela]: You’re hot, but you ain’t too bright.

Megatron: Is the future of our race not worth a single human life? Optimus Prime: You’ll never stop at one.

Spike: Can you read this?
Skids: Read? Unh-uh.
Mudflap: We don’t… we don’t really do much reading.

Simmons: What you’re about to see is top secret. Do NOT tell my mother.

Jetfire: My father was a wheel! The first wheel! And do you know what he transformed into? Nothing! But he did it with honor! Starscream: Not to call you a coward, master… but, sometimes, cowards do survive.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Transformers
• The Transformers: The Movie
• Armageddon

“I hate you for making me want you so much.”

The Scoop: PG-13 2008, directed by Catherine Hardwicke and starring Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, and Billy Burke

Tagline: When you can live forever what do you live for?

Summary Capsule: The new girl’s first day at her high school introduces her to all the usual teenage angst, including the boy/man destined to be her immortal vampire boyfriend

Kyle’s Rating: I could fall asleep at night as a rock’n’roll star

Kyle’s Review: Setting the merits or lack thereof in the Twilight book series and blockbuster film adaptation, one really must blame the Harry Potter phenomenon for breaking down the walls between ‘adult entertainment’ and ‘stuff for kids’ and making it perfectly acceptable and commercially encouraged for ‘old people’ to read books about teenage wizards, vampires, and so on. Growing up a voracious reader of comic books, I personally found it difficult in the years before the whole Harry Potter thing to convince people that comics were worth reading as literature. Nowadays, anything goes. Whether that indicates a wider appreciation of the arts or further evidence of increasing levels of idiocy amongst the populace depends upon your own personal perspective on our progress as a society.

I find if one isn’t obviously included in the primary intended audience for something like Twilight, subsequently the possibility for enjoyment depends upon a quirk of taste and one’s current in life. If you’re a teenage girl, Twilight was designed to strike your fancy with razor-sharp precision. If you’re anyone else, you’ll need a little/lotta open-mindedness, a penchant for teenage vampire romance, or some mysterious other variable that renders you ready and willing to say “Hey, this isn’t so bad.”

I am in no way ready and willing to say that Twilight isn’t so bad. Circumstances when Twilight hit the DVD scene were perfectly attuned for enjoying it ‘Mystery Science Theater 3000’-style: I was early in my third and most promising serious relationship of 2009, we and a group of like-minded cynical and witty friends had made plans to drink and mock Twilight, and it had at least the power of Kristen Stewart to render it ‘worth seeing once.’ My girlfriend and I watched it ahead of time, just to see what all the fuss was about, then we watched it again during our little viewing party.

While I found Twilight to be perfectly adequate and not as offensive as I expected, I will admit that I recall very little of the film itself. There was a lot of teenage-y angsty conversation, plenty of ‘man kids are stupid nowadays’ moments of mockery to fuel our MST3K party, and jaw-droppingly bad special effects that made already-dicey vampire elements rival the lame-ness of the mechanical shark effects in the Jaws sequels. But overall, I was left much more entertained than I expected. I think the film, and admitted-ridiculous ‘heartthrob’ Robert Pattinson, finally won me over when Edward and Bella pull into the school parking lot for their first appearance as a couple. The whole ‘the entire school is looking at US!’ scene, done literally a MILLION times before, worked perfectly, and Pattinson’s goofy yet sincere attempt to calm down a mortified Bella by trying to find the one person NOT looking at them drew an amused smile out of me. From then on, I was no longer rooting against the film for its perceived pop culture sins, and saw it for the meaningless and cheesy fun it had to offer.

I guess I feel about the Twilight film like I do about the Harry Potter film series. I have tried and failed to sit through the first two HP films; they seem really overdone and too focused on the OMG! elements of magic as a child would view them (at least as Hollywood, and specifically Chris Columbus, views children. Modern children would more likely view magic, post-video gaming, a lot differently than old-fashioned thinking would suggest. But I digress.) to be worth my time. But then, based on some enthusiastic reviews, I checked out the third HP film and haven’t looked back. Though no film since has rivaled Prisoner of Azkaban in quality or assured storytelling, they have been satisfying enough to leave me looking forward to the next installment.

What saved the Harry Potter series, it seems, was bringing in different and increasingly talented directors. Not to knock anyone in particular, but the universe and acting dynamics of the Twilight film series seem ripe for a great or even good director to come in and tell a legitimately interesting story. I don’t know that that will happen, and having learned a bit more about how the story progresses in the Twilight books has me slightly skeptical on that front. Regardless, I remain convinced that deft direction and a little bit of luck could converge and help create a Twilight sequel where Pattinson’s dorky charm and Kristen Stewart’s unsurpassed ability to sketch twitchy, vaguely emo female heroines meld perfectly with the setting and secondary cast to catch some so-called “movie magic.” I don’t know for certain it’ll happen. But I’ve seen enough promise to have hope.

I’ll never read the books, though. Lame!

Want a second opinion?  Check out Sue and Justin’s review here!

Vampires: awesome at staring contests TOO!

GROOVY QUOTES!

Isabella Swan: How old are you?
Edward Cullen: Seventeen.
Isabella Swan: How long have you been seventeen?
Edward Cullen: A while.

Isabella Swan: Are you going to tell me how you stopped the van?
Edward Cullen: Yeah. Um… I had an adrenaline rush. It’s very common. You can Google it.

Jessica Stanley: Hey you’re from Arizona right?
Isabella Swan: Yeah.
Jessica Stanley: Aren’t people from Arizona supposed to be like, real tan?
Isabella Swan: Yeah, maybe, that’s why they kicked me out.

Edward Cullen: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.
Isabella Swan: What a stupid lamb.
Edward Cullen: What a sick, masochistic lion.

Edward Cullen: I only said it would be better if we weren’t friends, not that I didn’t want to be.
Isabella Swan: What does that mean?
Edward Cullen: It means if you’re smart… you’ll stay away from me.
Isabella Swan: Okay, let’s say for argument’s sake that I’m not smart.

IF YOU LIKED THIS MOVIE, TRY THESE:

• The Lost Boys
• Adventureland
• Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

The Scoop: 2008 PG13, directed by Rian Johnson, starring Adrien Brody, Rachel Weisz, and Mark Ruffalo

Tagline: They’d never let the truth come between them

Summary Capsule: Two orphaned brothers bounce around and learn how to become the most benevolent con artists the world has ever been won over by

Kyle’s Rating: things remain status quo

Kyle’s Review: You have to understand that when I say that The Brothers Bloom is not half as cool a film experience as director Rian Johnson’s first work, Brick, I’m still being complimentary. Brick is the equivalent of a glorious, shining star of awesomeness, so “half” of that would still lay waste to every human being on Earth.

Therefore, though I’m all “Compared to Brick, The Brothers Bloom is like a hot steaming plate of ****ing ****ed ****” please understand that that is actually fairly high praise. Can you dig it?

The problem arises, especially among those who are as enamored with Brick as I am, in that The Brothers Bloom is a wholly different kind of animal. I could (and on occasion have) go on for days about the intricacies of the story and plotting of Brick; The Brothers Bloom is much more straightforward, almost surprisingly so. Though whereas Brick was probably the thing Johnson sweated and obsessed over throughout his academic career, The Brothers Bloom is an established work by a working professional. Not a hail mary to gain notice and accolades.

So far I sound somewhat negative, don’t I? Allow me to re-center: The Brothers Bloom is a tremendously fun film, predicated on the idea that while we all enjoy anti-hero grifter types, we especially enjoy grifter/con artists who take great pains to ensure the people getting conned end up happier and more content than they were before they were swindled. Such is the secret and glory of the brothers Bloom, who create cons so elaborate they survive in-film comparison to the convoluted plots of Russian novels, and seem much more concerned with dramatic endings than gaining any kind of money. Imagine The Game with less sinister undertones and a Raiders of the Lost Ark slant.

Spoiled by so many lesser, more slavishly-formulaic con film, I fully expected The Brothers Bloom is a work of insightful innovation to be sure . . . but also one that, regrettably though understandably, would feature a audience-friendly late twist that turned everything we thought we knew upside down. I don’t mean to be a spoiler, but let me say that the lack of such a twist was greatly appreciated. What you see in The Brothers Bloom is basically what you get; no Ocean’s Eleven-esque ‘Here’s what REALLY happened’ rewinding in the third reel. That’s a surprise in itself, yes?

Now I will clam up a bit. Being prepared for the straightforwardness of the story is one thing, but I’ll leave the little subsequent twists and turns of the plot for your enjoyment. Just know that the story, and the characters inhabiting it, remain true all-throughout the runtime, which is perhaps another amazing achievement for such a film. Adrien Brody, Mark Ruffalo, Rachel Weisz, and Rinko Kikuchi create a foursome I would love to see endless sequels of, if possible. The brothers Bloom and the women who love and understand them in their own way are some amazing characters; just as enjoyable in their happy quirks as Brick’s Brendan was in his moody determination. The cameos, a split-second for Joseph Gordon-Levitt and a tiny femme fatale scene for Nora Zehetner, were a wonderful little bonus for us Brick-fanatics. All the acting was spot-on, perfectly controlled by an accomplished director continuing to deliver on the promise shown by Brick.

I really can’t be complimentary enough. For either film, obviously. Brick is a pinnacle I can’t imagine being topped anytime soon, but The Brothers Bloom is a triumph worthy of attention as well. A lot of people tend to get turned off by the stylization of Brick; those people should find The Brothers Bloom a much easier film to understand and be entertained by. That’s not always a good thing, especially for a pretentious elitist such as myself, but in this case since quality storytelling is maintained, I have to say it’s all good!

The fact that it was a sunny day was in no way suspicious

Didja Notice?

• That’s really Rachel Weisz busting all kinds of mad skills in her intro scenes: Weisz learned how to play piano, violin, accordion, and break-dance, to juggle, do karate, play Ping-Pong, banjo, unicycle, and even skateboard for her role as Penelope.

Intermission

Tom Cruise is credited with special thanks in regards to the film due to his initial interest in the film that led to a lengthy 3 hour meeting with Rian Johnson. Cruise’s analysis of the script led to a few significant changes of the key elements of the script. As this meeting occurred precisely the same day Cruise’s company was taken off by Paramount, Rian felt this was a more than generous act on Cruise’s behalf. However, due to scheduling conflicts as well as other factors, Cruise could never be a serious consideration for one of the lead roles.

The three main characters are based on characters from James Joyce’s Ulysses (which in turn is based on Homer’s Odyssey). Stephen is based on Stephen Daedalus, who was a writer in two of Joyce’s novels; in The Brothers Bloom, he treats cons as stories to be written. Bloom is based on Leopold Bloom who is wandering around Dublin, trying to find himself and his way back to his wife, Penelope. In The Brothers Bloom, Bloom does not who he truly is, so he is figuratively lost. Ultimately, he finds his way to Penelope. In The Odyssey, Penelope is Odysseus’ wife who is waiting for him through all of his travels; in the same way, Penelope waits for Bloom in all of his wanderings.

If You Liked This Film, Try These:

• Brick

• Ocean’s Eleven
• The Sting

Start the discussion!

KYLE: First off, I certainly would NOT have wanted to see any of the cherished Original Trilogy characters as kids or anything ridiculous like that. But that doesn’t mean I would have cast Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru as young action heroes. Each prequel film would have taken place in a different era, ranging from thousands to finally maybe a hundred years prior to Episode IV. I would have been a lot more interested in the very beginning of the Jedi and Sith orders, early on as prophecies are made and tenets to operate by are devised. That way you can still have occasional hints towards what will come later (”No one will EVER make this Kessel Run in less than 18 parsecs!” and “One Sith will walk openly, his master will remain in shadows; no one will suspect their identity until it is TOO LATE!” and so on). I would be a lot more interested in the universe at large versus the origins of the handful of heroes and villains that decided the fate of their galaxy. I’m sure to play to the fans slightly that third prequel film would namedrop a couple lineages, or more likely show the origins of the man who would become Emperor Palpatine. Lots more moral gray areas and suspicious motivations, rather than the bland ineptness of the Jedi Order and far-too-easy manipulations of the Sith. How about you?

MIKE: I won’t knock the machinations of Sidious because if you take a few steps back and look at them from a distance and get the whole picture, they’re really kinda Machiavellian. I will admit the Jedi were rather inept and should have been a bit more aware of what was happeneing around them. Casting Anakin as a eight year old was a misstep, and made the relation between him and Padme kinda creepy. I would’ve liked to have seen him aged a bit, a little more roguish. I think I could’ve accepted an older character, more hard boiled and less prone to naivette’. I think the eventual transformation into Vader would’ve been a lot easier to swallow that way. As far as the current Clone Wars series; aside from it being a total cash-in, are we supposed to be sympathetic toward the clone troopers who we know are going to wipe out the Jedi? Also, how are old time fans supposed to reconcile these crack commandos with the canon fodder of the original movies who could barely hit a target and were prone to hitting their heads when entering a room? Do I even need to say no Jar-Jar?

LISSA: No Jar-Jar and no romantic dialogue, period. Anikan romancing Padme is still up there in “the most embarrassing cinema I’ve ever witnessed in my life.” But I think that’s a given, really. Is there anyone who’s not a thirteen year old girl that LIKED that?

I’m liking a lot of these points (especially not seeing so many of the original trilogy characters). Another thing I would add is LESS CGI. I know George was very proud of his cool toys, but he overdid it and it really became distracting. This is one of those times when less is more, y’know? If he’d done less CGI, he could have afforded some sets that weren’t deserts and the entire adventure wouldn’t have had to have so much time on Tatooine.

JUSTIN: I think the single biggest, and often unmentioned, problem with the prequels is: you know exactly how it turns out. I really dislike movies that are leading up to a conclusion that I’m more than familiar with, because it doesn’t leave a lot of room for suspense and doubt. It’s reverse engineering a plot from a finish point.

So one option is simply to disconnect the prequels from the original trilogy by a factor of time, like Kyle mentioned. The video game Knights of the Old Republic went back 4,000 years to tell their story, but they still had Jedi, Sith and a very Star Warsian feel — and it worked. The 4,000 year barrier also was sufficiently long enough so that even though it is a prequel, you don’t necessarily know what’s going to happen.

If we did have to stick with Lucas’ intention of telling the story of Darth Vader, I would’ve liked to see him become corrupt and evil and all dark side of the Force by sometime in the middle of episode one. Here’s an idea: they should have really turned the concept of good and evil on its ear, by making the Galactic Empire’s rise to power a perverted, noble attempt at wresting power from a very corrupt, despicable Republic. Make Vader the underdog, with a group of friends who are fighting for what they think is the right way to rule the galaxy, and in so doing, make us cheer them on. But then by the last film, they’ve gone too far — betrayals, friendships disintigrating, power corrupting — and the Empire ends up worse than the Republic was, making the Rebels the new noble force.

That doesn’t really matter, though. The important thing to pick up on here is that I was feeling very trepidatious about a rebooted, retconned, re-al damage to the original timeline imposed retelling of the adventure of the original Star Trek crew. Arguably the most legendary, and certainly my favorite. Kirk and Spock and McCoy and Uhura and Chekov and Sulu and Scotty, and a bunch of red-shirts. No longer as we remember them; the ubiquitous MySpace advertisements admonished us constantly to forget everything that came before. This is new. This is unknown.

This is completely without the Shatner.

Inclusion of Leonard Nimoy aside, this a shot into the cultural ether, probably the best and last hope the Star Trek franchise had to be relevant at all. Let’s face it, from at least Voyager on, ‘Star Trek’ conjured up the image of a cracked and broken brand chugging on past its expiration date. Even the best episodes were no longer fresh or exciting, thanks to endless weekend repeats. When every new episodes feels exactly like one you’ve already seen, or more pointedly you’d rather watch an episode you’ve already seen a hundred times than a brand new episode, it’s time to go.

Enter the talented Mr. Abrams, who had a vision for Star Trek. A vision that would go back to the iconic beginnings, since pretty much EVERYONE knows Kirk and Spock more than possibly any other Trek character. A vision that, somewhat sadly, was admittedly a lot more ‘Star Wars’ than ‘Star Trek.’

And yet, it worked! (review forthcoming)

As did The Shins. They played the Hollywood Palladium, with Delta Spirit opening for them. I had heard that they are kind of whack live, and I can definitely understand that: the Palladium is a fun venue but also one that with some balloons and streamers could host a high school prom comfortably, and Delta Spirit and The Shins are both extremely mellow live. The girl who got me the tickets for my birthday was like “Halfway through the show I felt like I was just at home, listening to albums on my couch.”

And yet, we both had a great time.

Now that I think about it, I saw Star Trek with the same girl sitting next to me (she let me have the armrest, while I fought my other friend for the other armrest the entire movie), so maybe that helped fuel my whole ‘This Shins experience is just like my Star Trek one!’ fever dream. Or maybe I just had largely unreasonable expectations that I had to overcome in order to fully enjoy the experiences of the past few days. Is there a moral here? I really don’t know . . .

I do know that it’s better to be concerned about things that are ‘awesome,’ such as the new Star Trek or The Shins, than things which are probably not going to be ‘awesome’ at all, such as the new Angels and Demons film or whatever albums come out of the latest American Idol contestants. Sometimes, I feel like I’ve learned nothing from my life. And other times, like when Chris Pine steps onto the bridge at the end of the film in full uniform (er, spoiler!), I just kick back in my seat and think “Now that, at least in the context of whatever films we get with this particular cast, is Captain Kirk. Whoa!”

Life is funny like that.

The Scoop: 2009 R, directed by Greg Mottola and starring Jesse Eisenberg, Kristen Stewart, and Ryan Reynolds

Tagline: It was the worst job they ever imagined… and the best time of their lives.

Summary Capsule: the summer before going off to graduate school, a young man’s parents can no longer provide him with the money they promised so he has to take any job he can: welcome to Adventureland!

Kyle’s Rating: Kristen Stewart can do no wrong EVER

Kyle’s Review: Although I surely would have enjoyed Adventureland without it, having seen I Love You, Man helped enlarge Jesse Eisenberg’s lead performance immensely. Paul Rudd, already enshrined in the Comedy Hall of Greatness, delivered above and beyond what was expected in his role. Yet Rudd couldn’t overcome his script’s inability to sketch a wholly believable male not only born without the skills to form normal male friendships but seemingly incapable of even attempting to fake the behaviors allowing her to “fit in” socially. I Love You, Man is very, very funny, don’t get me wrong. But there is a consistent distance throughout that, basically, never let you forget you’re watching a fictional comedy film. Is that a bad thing? Not at all.

Adventureland, by contrast, had me physically wincing in my seat at certain points. At one point, not coincidentally involving Kristen Stewart, I was hugging my legs in a fetal position. Strip away the film’s kitschy 1980’s setting, a couple background characters with traits seemingly designed just to bring in some easy laughs, and plenty of audience-friendly illicit narcotics humor, and there is a definite heart at its core. Raging emotions under the surfaces, painfully honest displays of vulnerability, and way too many of those instances of complete helplessness against the tides of Real Life.

Whether you’ve lived through any kind of whack summer job such as Eisenberg’s James Brennan is forced by the circumstance of his parents’ dwindling fortunes to seek out at skuzzy yet charming Adventureland, it doesn’t exactly matter. You should be fully able to feel James’ disbelief at where he finds himself, and his growing infatuation with Kristen Stewart’s Em Lewin. Just as you should be able to feel essentially every other character, even the guy whose idea of emotional communication is punching old childhood friend James in the genitals at least once a day. They all resonate as “real” people, working away the summer in Adventureland for a wide variety of reasons but able to bond over a general sense of being way overqualified for their jobs (mostly) and a true love for booze and pot. And who among us can’t empathize with that?

I could go on about the minor characters, who are great, and the major supporting players, who are just as necessarily great in their strong support roles. Ryan Reynolds especially manages to make what would be an utterly antagonistic role in another (probably lesser) film into a not only believable but very sympathetic character. The movie soundtrack pretty much rules as well, even for those who didn’t grow up in the ‘80s. But my strongest applause is reserved for Eisenberg, who seems to specialize in the type of role Michael Cera excels at though Eisenberg’s domain is much farther along the dramatic spectrum than Cera’s, and his love interest, Stewart.

Kristen Stewart is a controversial figure in modern cinema. Beyond arguments over whether she can actually act or simply play herself compellingly over and over again, her involvement in Twilight polarizes a lot of cinemaphiles outside of their teens, and Stewart’s real-life penchant for either acting stoned or being photographed getting stoned upsets plenty of regular gossip magazine readers.

As far as I’m concerned, Kristen Stewart is to film as Grant Morrison is to writing. Her facial quirks are completely charming, the habit of extreme hairplay she brings to her every performance are the stuff legends are made of, and her consistently aloof mumbling vocal delivery places her above any other current female actor. Even those with so-called “Academy Award” wins on their resumes. Adventureland’s quality construction would have alone guaranteed a good film, but its performances make it great. Stewart, whose tandem lead narrative is the more emotionally-convoluted and, in its slight contradictions, more inherently human, helps the film transcend time and space. Decade and location are interesting here, to be sure. But what matters is Eisenberg and Stewart’s relationship. If you don’t feel its rawness, I’m not sure you’ve ever lived!

Adventureland certainly hit a pretty sensitive spot within me, based on current circumstances. But I’m just as certain you’ll enjoy it regardless, if not for the painfully real central relationship and nuanced performances, then for the amusingly observed quirks that characterize any summer job-from-hell and the bizarre decade of the ‘80s. Never too over-the-top and never going for the ‘wasn’t big hair funny?’ type of idiot humor, I found Adventureland a refreshingly honest theater experience. So much so that even with scant minutes before the end, I remained unsure of any kind of impending happy ending. It speaks to how involved I was in these characters, though, that I found myself desperately hoping for one.

'So... how about a game?'

DIDJA NOTICE?

• Hairstyles in the ‘80s were like the cars: way too big and completely ostentatious

• Thanks to some revelatory scenes we all now know why we have never won anything more than a dying goldfish from any standard theme park carnival game

IS IT WORTH STAYING THROUGH THE END CREDITS?

Not past those first couple minutes for the cool characters shots and the cool soundtrack tunes

INTERMISSION

Greg Mottola apparently worked at a real Adventureland, located in Farmingdale, New York on Long Island, and had hoped to actually film this film there but decided not to because it had changed so much from what he remembered.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Empire Records

• Superbad
• Wet Hot American Summer

At first, I was consumed with disbelief and minor rage. How could such a monumentally innovative and refreshingly well-made film end up consigned to the bargain bin at the most barginous of bargain stores? What shortsighted middle manager arbitrarily chose $3 as the ultimate value for this, one of the best films I’ve seen within the past decade? Should I logically infer by its presence here in the $3 bin that Brick’s popularity and influence had already reached its apex and would now languish in wire bins gathering dust from here to eternity?

I think I stood there, no joke, for about four minutes contemplating all of this. Then, somewhat magically, further logic set in and I realized that here, now, I could make a difference. So I found all eight copies of Brick they had and bought them, intending to give them to friends and all others in need of enlightenment and quality entertainment. Well, at least a combination of those categories, and only eight of them total. But still, it felt like a valiant crusade! And it started off well, as I talked the two bemused register girls into giving Brick a try, even though I withheld the fact that I had bought all the copies in the store and it would be rather difficult for them to actually follow through. But still: good start!

Naturally, a mere week later I can’t exactly remember who all received a copy. I know my friend Kevin in Missouri and these two girls in San Francisco and San Luis Obispo are both getting a copy and a love note (Kevin is getting a “like” note), because their DVDs are packed and ready to be mailed as soon as I finish my green tea and complete this little ‘Oh that’s right, it’s Noir Week… I guess I should contribute SOMETHING’ article. I think I gave one to my friend Chris, who loved the film but couldn’t track it down on his own (stupid graduate students!), and now I recall giving copies to two different girls I had never met but wanted to impress with free stuff. I have emotional problems.

Oh, okay, but anyway: one copy I brought to the house of this girl I’ve known and liked for a long while though never hung out with outside of our favorite bar, so that the two of us and one of her friends could watch it. Two girls and a guy and a noir film; doesn’t that sound like the best Saturday night imaginable?

A funny thing happened; literally funny as it turned out. The friend, who had never seen or heard of Brick before, found it to be really good but also totally laughable. And because of her infectious enjoyment, we quickly all tuned into viewing Brick as a Mystery Science Theater 3000 experience. We winced at some of the outlandish violence, observed the flaws and strengths of the laboriously-plotted twists, and remained the slightest tickle away from bubbly laughter at the high school setting of the film. Although we all had some pretty interesting times in our respective high schools, nothing rivaled the dames and drugs and drubbings our fateful hero faces down in Brick. Perhaps, though, that is a good thing?

Anyway, we all came to an essential observation we all held true: film noir is pretty much inherently goofy. So stylized, so serious, so utterly ridiculous. As much as you would never say as much to the hero of any masterpiece of film noir, lest your nose be broken, from the safety of the cheap seats it’s fair to say that film noir operates on a level that requires you to take it deathly seriously. As soon as you waver, or a girl you are with gets a giggle fit and you find yourself enthusiastically giving in, film noir becomes spoof. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course!

Bizarrely, I find my enjoyment of Brick to have been enlarged by that session of good-hearted mockery. Before, I think I clung to that aforementioned deathly serious approach to the film because I chose to view it exclusively as a dramatic, non-humorous feature. Now, having had my eyes opened to the humor within and without the film, I know now I’ll enjoy future viewings on so many more levels. The beauty of Brick isn’t diminished by observing its goofy elements, but rather augmented like the varied brushstrokes of a masterwork.

I guess the moral here is not that Brick specifically, and film noir in general, should be absorbed across every viewing spectrum or else the experience is incomplete. I’m saying, rather simply, that it completely okay to laugh at something even if it’s supposed to be taken so damn seriously. Mind who you’re with, of course. But don’t be surprised if seeing the humor inside something dramatic helps you appreciate the whole even more. And that’s what they call film noir aesthetic!

The Scoop: 2008 R, directed by Zach Snyder and starring Billy Crudup, Malin Ackerman and Carla Gugino.

Tagline: They watch over us… but who watches them?

Summary Capsule: Alan Moore’s ‘unfilmable’ magnum opus gets filmed.

Kyle’s Rating: “You’re in the wrong place, my friend, you better leave”

Kyle’s Review: Watchmen is one of those rare films where I was completely entertained by it, I never want to see it again, and I’m especially glad it “failed” at the box office. Now that it’s over, we don’t have to worry about it, and because of its perceived lack of cultural relevance we don’t have to worry that the next ten years of superhero films will be striving for that dark, R-rated comparison in its wake. Although I certainly wouldn’t mind more (female) nudity in my superhero films, know what I mean?

I think of Alan Moore, acclaimed author of Watchmen and other seminal comic book works, to be wholly overrated. He deals with fairly simplistic stories and characterizations, which is fine, and delves so deeply into relevant research and writerly glosses that you can only dismiss his work outright or shower him with awards, and early on that ubiquitous ‘they’ chose to go the awards route, and so on and so forth. I say that with both love, since I think his V for Vendetta book is absolutely genius and a lot of his other work is pretty good, and with utter jealousy, since he’s a lot better than I am at this point. Rragh!

That said, while I consider the Watchman graphic novel to be similarly overrated, I certainly respect it. And even if I didn’t, I would have to respect its influence, since there is not a single person working in comics (and very few hardcore readers) who have not read Watchmen at least a handful of times. It is The Beatles of comics, the book that even non-fans nod knowingly at the mention of because you never know when a fan with Bowflex muscles is willing to fight about it being “the best graphic novel of all-time, man!” Hipster bar fights always start over the weirdest things, have you ever noticed?

So I had a horse in the race, so to speak, in seeing Watchmen adapted for the big screen. Morbid curiosity played a significant role, but even the biggest hater should show up to support something up his alley; at least that’s the argument that got me and a massive bag of 50-cent tacos for both The Unborn and The Uninvited. So of course I was going to see Watchmen. I just didn’t expect to see the 3:15 a.m. Imax showing because my friends were determined (determined!) to see it as soon as possible.

First off, if you can see a film after 3 in the morning, part of me wants to implore you to wait. You’ll be so much happier with some sleep and after some delicious scrambled eggs. That said, why not do it? It is an experience unlike most not found in Las Vegas, and if you’re with a big group of similarly psyched though groggy friends and a big backpack of contraband goodies, even a nearly three-hour film will be a bonding experience. Hooray!

So basically the deck was stacked for me to enjoy Watchmen despite myself, and really that’s what happened. Which isn’t to say that Watchmen isn’t a really solid adaptation of what was thought to be an unfilmable work, because it is. But it seems like in trying so hard to make sure no one got too offended in what was filmed and what wasn’t, there was no room left for any kind of innovation. So what is left is a film that proves Watchmen could be adapted as a film, but makes no kind of argument for why it should be. Definitely worth your time, and I would even be up for viewing the inevitable unrated director’s cut DVD that should push the four-hour mark out of added curiosity. But if they were intending for this film to be anything more than a solid entry into the overall superhero film oeuvre, they missed the mark.

Although if they intended me to get beat up by every single one of my peers when I boldly and without a hint of sarcasm tell them the best thing about the Watchmen film is My Chemical Romance’s cover of ‘Desolation Row,’ I say BRING IT ON.

Looking for a second opinion? Check out Mike’s and Lissa’s reviews of Watchmen!

Whoever said purple is the new gray was seriously disturbed.

Didja Notice?

• Ozymandias’ German accent when he’s not in public?
• How much Nite Owl and Silk Spectre look like Clark Kent and Lois Lane?
• Tears for Fears “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” playing in Veidt’s lobby?
• Doc Manhatten’s package? Yeah, if I was packin’ that much heat, I’d walk around naked all the time too.

Intermission!

Nathan Fillion was considered for the roles of The Comedian and Nite Owl.

Darren Aronofsky and Paul Greengrass were both previously scheduled to direct.

The first official image from director Zack Snyder – a test shot of Rorshach holding The Comedian’s button – was actually hidden in a trailer for Snyder’s previous film, 300. It features the film’s associate producer, Wesley Coller, wearing a makeshift mask in front of a composite New York backdrop, and was created as an experiment by Snyder to establish the mood and look of his proposed Watchmen project. Snyder’s wife, Deborah Snyder, bet him $100 that no one would discover it, while he was convinced that someone would find it almost immediately. He won.

Groovy Quotes

Nite Owl: At least I’m not the one still hiding behind a mask.
Rorschach: No, you’re hiding in plain sight.

The Comedian: Here I am spilling my guts to my arch enemy. Truth is, Moloch, you’re the closest thing I have to a friend. What does that say?

Silk Spectre: Breaking into a national security prison is not the same thing as fighting a tenement fire.
Nite Owl: You’re right. It’s more fun.

Lee Iacocca: And we all know ‘free’ is just another word for communist.

Rorschach: Funny story. Sounds unbelievable. Probably true.

Rorschach: You keep calling me Walter. I don’t Like you.
Dr. Malcolm Long: Oh… why not?
Rorschach: You’re Fat.

Rorschach: None of you understand! I’m not locked in here with you! You’re locked in here with me!

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• 300
• Sin City
• Wanted

The Scoop: 2008 PG-13, directed by Marc Forster and starring Daniel Craig, Olga Kurylenko and Mathieu Amalric

Tagline: Bond is Back

Summary Capsule: James Bond, still blatantly hurt by his true love’s betrayal, lives up to his 00-status by traveling the world to find out exactly who or what is trying to pull a whole lot of powerful strings

Kyle’s Rating: I find a quantum of solace every time I eat French fries

Kyle’s Review: Although the fracturizing of pop culture into niche-centric shards makes it difficult to comprehensively analyze the ripples any one work creates, it does seem fairly ‘off’ that Quantum of Solace didn’t resonate as much as (perhaps only I believe) a Bond film should. Chalk it up to a mass-perceived inability to live up to the epic-ness of Casino Royale, a lot of confusion about what this movie is actually about, or maybe real world concerns simply overwhelming all available time for conversational discourse. Some might say that’s a sign of poor quality, or even creative fatigue.

Ultimately, it is a James Bond flick. Glory be.

Quantum of Solace is flawed, to be sure. To a surprisingly extensive degree. Even beyond the filmmakers’ inability to have any kind of gunplay or violence interrupt the real-life horse race the pre-title action uses as a backdrop, the sequence establishes an important element you’ll need to adapt to in order to properly enjoy QoS: things will happen that not even repeated viewings will clear up or explain. Friends, some die-hard Bond fanatics, have tempered their positive reviews with the admission that entire plot developments make absolutely no sense to them.

Amusingly, they’re so happy to have Daniel Craig as Bond that you can tell all the vitriol they used to bring to bear against my boy Pierce Brosnan is being purposely bitten back in lieu of polite compliments, much to the detriment of their internal organs. How’s that spleen, haters?

Never mind politics: There is clearly a global division over what the people want in a James Bond film. The classic Bond film formula, arguably definitively defined in Goldfinger and religiously observed across decades until (others would say) it was utterly corrupted to sickening excess during later Brosnan films (so many point to Die Another Day as the ultimate in plasticky overindulgence), became an object of derision once Jason Bourne films became ascendant. What did the tired, predictable James Bond franchise possibly have to offer that the stream-lined and angsty Bourne films didn’t render irrelevant? What did the modern world need from James Bond?

But just as some never turn their backs on favorite sports franchises, no matter how bleak things get, James Bond endured. The iconography of Bond, including the most famous drink order ever, ensures cultural immortality beyond the films all around the world. All it would take to revive Bond’s relevance is a great Bond film, and Casino Royale was it. The inspired casting of the magnificent-in-every-way Daniel Craig as a James Bond just starting out as 007 was a masterstroke, and though overly long, Casino Royale served to serve notice that Bond was, for all intents and purpose, back for good. Hooray!

Matt Damon (star of the Jason Bourne films) doesn’t think too highly of the character of James Bond. Damon explained exactly why he thinks Bourne is (presumably) a much ‘better’ character than Bond: “Because Bond is an imperialist, misogynist sociopath who goes around bedding women and swilling martinis and killing people. He’s repulsive.”

It would be far to easy to reference Team America: World Police here to discredit Damon’s take on, well, anything. So let’s avoid that. I only bring this up because it’s very amusing, and on the big screen the war between spies comes down to Bourne versus Bond. Others pop up and occasionally make an impression, but box office numbers ensure immortality, so you’ve got to focus on the titans.

I enjoy the Bourne films, don’t get me wrong. But I worship James Bond; what that says about me, especially in the eyes of Matt Damon, I prefer not to know. What I love about Bond, and what fully redeems QoS for me beyond all faults, is that the heart of the film series is a charismatic actor portraying an incorruptible man of action fully aware of how the world works and skilled enough to find a way to make it work better.

Quantum of Solace is no exception. Whatever bizarre plot contrivances or leaps in logic occur, I go along with it all quite happily because Daniel Craig is Bond. If he thinks saving a mysterious femme fatale furthers his plan for justice, or if he thinks uncovering a Lex Luthor-esque water rights scam in a smallish country will be more essential step in saving the world, I’ll trust him. He is Bond. What other pedigree does he need?

I’m not trying to make excuses for QoS; I don’t believe it needs it. There are plot holes and confusing developments and artistically-staged fight sequences that all combine to confound expectations and separate the true enthusiast from someone looking only to see idiot action scenes. My only concern is whether or not it’s a good Bond film, and because it allows James Bond to be James Bond (with enough emphasis on his burgeoning ultimate Bond-ness to acknowledge the accelerated evolution of Craig’s newish 007) with plenty of situations where only Bond could thrive and survive, it’s fair to say this is a good Bond film. I personally go further with my love, as I find Quantum of Solace to be a rollickingly fun adventure of my favorite secret agent. I understand why some found it dull or difficult to follow, but I think there is enough here to warrant your attention. Even if you’re fully behind Bourne (hopefully not only for the moral reasons), wouldn’t it be darkly pleasurable to see how the other spy lives?

'Quick! I know a guy who can get us ten g's for her kidneys!'

• Bond is pretty good about covertly grabbing souvenirs, but then against he is a superspy
• The iconic gun barrel sequence finally returns to the series; presumably to serve notice that Daniel Craig’s Bond is now, after two films’ worth of tryout, fully James Bond, 007

IS IT WORTH STAYING THROUGH THE END CREDITS?

For sure, if only to see the aforementioned gun barrel sequence as well as that final promise: James Bond will return!

GROOVY QUOTES

M: The Americans are gonna be none too pleased.
James Bond: I promised them Le Chiffre and they got him.
M: They got his body.
James Bond: Well, if they wanted his soul, they should have made a deal with a priest.

Camille: So, what’s your interest in Greene?
James Bond: Among other things, he tried to kill a friend of mine.
Camille: A woman?
James Bond: Yes. But it’s not what you think.
Camille: Your mother?
James Bond: She likes to think so.

M: When someone says that they have people everywhere, you expect it to be hyperbole. Lots of people say that. Florists use that expression. It doesn’t mean that they have people in the bloody room.

Camille: You sent someone to kill me?
Dominic Greene: Please don’t talk to me like I’m stupid… It’s unattractive.

M: You killed a man in Brigenz.
James Bond: I did my best not to.
M: You shot him in cold blood and threw him off a roof. I would hardly call that showing restraint!

M: This is about trust. You said you weren’t motivated by revenge.
James Bond: I am motivated by my duty.
M: No… I think you’re so blinded by inconsolable rage that you don’t care who you hurt. When you can’t tell your friends from your enemies, it’s time to go.

M: Ask him about Slate.
Tanner: She wants to know about Slate.
James Bond: Slate was a dead end.
Tanner: He says it was a dead end.
M: Damn! He killed him.

IF YOU LIKED THIS MOVIE, TRY

• Casino Royale

• Layer Cake
• Goldfinger

The Scoop: 2009 R, directed by Marcus Nispel and starring Jared Padalecki, Danielle Panabaker and Amanda Righetti

Tagline: Welcome to Crystal Lake

Summary Capsule: A bunch of idiot kids with various connections to one another end up in Crystal Lake, near an old summer camp with a brutal history.

Kyle’s Rating: Like trying a knock-off version of your favorite fast food and having an alien tapeworm burst out of your tortured stomach

Kyle’s Review: The most egregiously offensive thing about the remake/sorta-sequel/”reimagining” Friday the 13^th isn’t the gore, isn’t the acting, isn’t the near total lack of plot, and definitely isn’t the seemingly pathological determination on the director’s part to throw in enough sexual content to argue for a place for the eventual DVD in stores that sell only soft-core pornography. In fact, if any of those might be offensive to you, don’t even bother with this movie. Or any of the prior films with Jason wreaking bloody havoc. Are you kidding? Come on now.

No, what’s most disappointing about 2009’s Friday the 13th is that there are so many “easter eggs” and blatant references to the entire series that it is clear that this installment’s creators have a real love and appreciation for possibly all of those movies (although it’s hard to imagine anyone ever liking F13 Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan). Which makes it all the more hard to handle that their final product is such an utter dud.

Gone are any attempts to provide the sort of rudimentary plot structure that made the films of old charmingly bad: instead, much like the production team’s earlier attempts at reimagining The Texas Chainsaw Massacre “franchise,” a bunch of disposable victims are placed in the crosshairs for about an hour’s worth of uninspired stalk-and-kill sequences. People tend to go to these type of films for gore and nudity — let’s be honest — but if the film itself is boring there is no reason to stay or even go to the theater in first place. After all, up until Jason faced down Freddy, his most formidable foe was usually a plucky virginal heroine. Now he has to fight the draw of free blood and boobs on the Internet, and as cute as the girls around me squealed about him being the star of television’s Supernatural isn’t enough to be the sexy yin to Jason’s zombie killer yang, demographics-wise.

The new Jason himself is probably the film’s greatest strength: although definitely a human monster without any hints of supernatural prowess, I appreciated the simultaneously clever and ham-fisted nudges the film made towards showing how growing up in a summer camp setting allowed Jason untold years of practicing archery, axe-throwing, setting traps, and learning to tie every possible kind of knot. A deformed and monstrous cinematic version of Jack Bauer, Jason is fairly calm and cool about killing and strategic enough to use everything to his advantage: placing victims in predicaments to act as bait is the sort of thing a master outdoorsman would do. And some of his bait-and-trap scenarios are great; the lengthy pre-title sequence sees one victim put in a situation that made me gasp and made her would-be savior’s actions seem more spontaneous than scripted-to-be-dumb.

Unfortunately, as great as the new Jason is, the kids infringing upon his turf are as dumb as usual, if not quite a bit worse. Much will be made of one character excelling at playing a total scummy “bro” whose acting manages to capture everything that is unsaid about a million polo-wearing sandaled blonde “himbos” used in ads for and adorning the walls at places like Abercrombie & Fitch and Hollister: not only does he ace his role as head jerk-off, but when called upon by Jason to scream he delivers in what could be the biggest audience-pleasing moment of the entire movie. But his sliminess and a great Jason isn’t enough to redeem the rest of the cast’s performances, which range from merely adequate to lifeless-before-Jason-kills-them. Setting up ciphers for kill shots is all well and good, but even the worst horror films can stay memorable for sketching at least vaguely interesting characters. Here, the stand-out observances were “Oh, is that the best friend from Disturbia?” and “Whoa, that bit with the catalog was sort of funny maybe.” Not quite the stuff cult infamy is made of.

Friday the 13th started out with all the slack in the world, since the F13 formula is fairly simple and there was no room anywhere for R. Lee Emery to come in and sabotage the movie with over-the-top shenanigans. But bit by bit, a dumb story structure and dumber characters whittle away at your patience until you realize that beyond everything else, this movie is just boring, plain and simple. From Part 1 to Jason X, the earlier films didn’t aspire to be great cinema but they did attempt to be entertaining. The 2009 film is too bland to be shocking, not bold enough to be uniquely memorable, and too poorly paced to hold a drop of tension. I guess as a date movie for teenagers without much to say to each other it’ll do the trick, but anyone looking for a good movie should look elsewhere. And F13 fans, unless they’re dedicated completists, shouldn’t even bother.

'Guys, can I come out now? Guys? Guys? Guys?'

• Among the most obvious references to the earlier installments is the wheelchair tacked to the wall in Jason’s tunnel lair, which should remind you immediately of Part 2’s memorable dispatching of a wheelchair-bound young man. Go big, Friday the 13^th franchise!

Groovy Quotes:

Pamela Voorhees: Did you know a young boy drowned here? He was my son. And today, is his birthday.

Clay: Hey, I’m not from around here, but I’m looking for my sister. She’s gone missing.

Richie: Do you know how many lakes there are named Crystal-something? Go to the supermarket, every single bottled water is named ‘Crystal’ something!
Wade: Aquafina.

Chewie: [watching Bree dancing] In my next life I want to come back as one of the buttons on the ass pockets of her jean shorts.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• The Hills Have Eyes (2006)
• The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
• Freddy vs. Jason

]]> http://mutantreviewers.com/blog1/kyle-does-friday-the-13th-2009/feed/ 2 http://mutantreviewers.com/blog1/kyle-does-slumdog-millionaire/ http://mutantreviewers.com/blog1/kyle-does-slumdog-millionaire/#comments Thu, 05 Feb 2009 13:39:10 +0000 Justin http://mutantreviewers.com/blog1/?p=963 “When somebody asks me a question, I tell them the answer.”

The Scoop: 2008 R, directed by Danny Boyle & Loveleen Tandan, and starring Dev Patel, Anil Kapoor and Saurabh Shukla.

Tagline: What does it take to find a lost love?

Summary Capsule: Young man becomes a contestant on the Indian ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire’ to gain the attention of his true love and maybe fulfill his ultimate destiny

Kyle’s Rating: My most uplifting, non-pickaxe-through-brains favorite film experience of ’09 thus far!

Kyle’s Review: First and foremost Slumdog Millionaire is a love story, full of (im)patient longing and true destiny, so try not to be discouraged by the opening scenes of torture. This is a film that I knew very little about, only saw because my need to find a restroom in Burbank coincided perfectly with an afternoon showing (with enough time thrown in for a big bag of popcorn and a TON of that pump-your-own “butter” topping), and whose most worthy pedigree was that a best friend with similar taste declared it “the best film of 2008” just a few days prior.

Slumdog Millionaire works best, I should think, on that first viewing where perhaps you have only some vague sense of what you’re about to see but aren’t entirely certain how you’re going to get it. Time gets played with, not to the Oscar-baiting extent that I hear goes on in another Oscar-nominated film (which I plan to see next), but you had better be prepared to pay some close attention.

I think what stood out for me as an absolute plus was the dialogue and consequently how major revelations are handled: far from the expected manner of using freeze framing and lengthy close-ups to indicate the ‘important’ visual elements we should be memorizing, there is quite a bit of expectation that the audience is going to be smart to piece some things together on their own. Similarly, the dialogue is written in a very natural way that simultaneously entertains even as it clues us on developments past, present, and future without being utterly blatant. Sort of a sad societal progression that I laud a film that doesn’t treat its viewers as attention-deficient buffoons, but what can I say?

Actually, at this point I should mention something specific about the movie. At its core, it’s a very standard story: kids grow up in hardship, one boy falls in love with one girl and knows from then on that it is destined that they will be together, while the boy’s older brother takes on the leadership role despite probably not being the best candidate for doing so. And then orphan-style madness happens to all of them and it’s bad for a long time, until perseverance and plucky ingenuity resolves everything and everyone gets what they deserve. And, being ostensibly an Indian film, the end credits roll against a Bollywood-style big dance number. Good, happy, uplifting times!

That doesn’t sound particularly appealing or award-winning, does it? Let me sweeten it then: set in India, what most critics refer to as the “real” India, means that all of this standard stuff happens in a setting that is seldom, if ever, used for such a story. There is such decay and squalor that it seems impossible to find beauty within the world these children grow up in, yet from the start Danny Boyle’s worthy direction maintains a view of the proceedings that never allows us to forget that this is some impressively foreign scenery. Whether you’re skeezed out or not, it’s nearly impossible to feel like paying rapt attention to the screen if only to see another piece of our world that you may not have seen before, from a whole new perspective. Absolutely breathtaking depiction of what at times seems like a whole other planet: amazing!

I have friends who get their movies in highly illegal ways. It is difficult to judge them too harshly, if only because of the unspoken benefits for friends of those type of evil-doers. Anyway, to a person, everyone who downloaded Slumdog Millionaire didn’t quite understand the hype. At best, a couple got into the story but remained confused that it could be garnering such awards dicussion. “It’s just another love story,” one girl told me.

There is no “see movies in theaters in order to enjoy them fully” moral going on here. But I would classify SM as a tremendous example of a cinematic crowd-pleaser, so at its best you’re going to be part of a crowd watching it. At least your first time. If you hate being seated by the randomly assembled idiots that make up your theater-going community, or you can’t leave your house without fearing for your mental safety, I understand watching it on your own. Otherwise: see it on a busy movie-going night. Like a sports event or inauguration, you’ll tap into not just your own natural energy but also that of your surroundings.

Or perhaps not. I have enough faith in Slumdog Millionaire, in the accomplished way it uses chronological games and a fresh take on a fairly unexplored setting to tell a classic story in a “new” way, that however you watch it you’ll at least appreciate what it adds to the genre of film. Far from being one of those Best Picture contenders that in a few year’s time will be wondered of “How did that get nominated again?” it will endure. People love an underdog, to be sure, and certainly even your most hardened, anti-cleverness and anti-foreign film type will give the film a chance once they hear the central conceit of the plot: young man gets onto the Indian incarnation of ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire?’ so he can reach the love-of-his-life. How American is that?

'Is that the last answer of which you will make final?'

Groovy Quotes

Prem Kumar: A few hours ago, you were giving chai for the phone walahs. And now you’re richer than they will ever be. What a player!

Prem Kumar: Its getting hot in here.
Jamal Malik: Are you nervous?
Prem Kumar: [audience laughs] What? Am I nervous ? Its you whos in the hot seat, my friend!
Jamal Malik: Yes, sorry.

Jamal Malik: When somebody asks me a question, I tell them the answer.

Prem Kumar: So are you ready for the final question for 20 million rupees?
Jamal Malik: No, but maybe its written, no?
Prem Kumar: Maybe…

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Millions

• Bollywood/Hollywood
• Quiz Show

]]> http://mutantreviewers.com/blog1/kyle-does-slumdog-millionaire/feed/ 0 http://mutantreviewers.com/blog1/kyle-does-the-x-files-i-want-to-believe/ http://mutantreviewers.com/blog1/kyle-does-the-x-files-i-want-to-believe/#comments Fri, 23 Jan 2009 13:40:15 +0000 Justin http://mutantreviewers.com/blog1/?p=671 “This isn’t my life anymore, Mulder. I’m done chasing monsters in the dark.”

The Scoop: 2008 PG-13, directed by Chris Carter and starring David Duchonvy, Gillian Anderson and Amanda Peet

Tagline: To find the truth, you must believe.

Summary Capsule: Some FBI agents, stymied on a case with some X-Files undertones, rescues our heroes Mulder and Scully from outsider status in exchange for some consulting. Boredom ensues for the audience.

Kyle’s Rating: Somebody didn’t want to make a good movie, though

Kyle’s Review: I’ve tried writing this review a few times, attempting to be at least backhandedly positive here and there. But I give up. The X-Files: I Want to Believe is junk. It wastes the charm of its negatively charismatic leads, it adds nothing to the legacy of one of the most important sci-fi television shows of all-time, and worst of all — it’s a really boring film. If this is the best they could come up with after years of brainstorming, the end result lends credence to the conspiracy theory that they failed on purpose so no one would want another X-Files film.

The uninspired plot revolves around some current FBI agents seeking out the legendary Mulder and Scully for assistance on a vaguely X-Files-esque case involving missing girls and a disgraced priest with some psychic insight on what’s going on. So they decide to help out, even while there is a lot of angst about it between them and some really stupid subplot for Scully involving a terminal young patient. There’s no aliens, no werewolves, no weird inbred freaks. Instead, you get one tiny throw-away detail worthy of the X-Files theme song (compare the sex of the abducted to the relationship between the villains) lost amid a fairly stupid crime thriller that Mulder and Scully’s unpaid intern could solve.

I suppose all that really matters here anyway is Mulder and Scully: where they ended up, what they’re doing, and if they ended up together. If you care, go ahead and see the movie; what entertainment value there is derives almost solely from seeing Duchovny and Anderson together again and how they fit back into the roles that made them pop culture icons. The two of them largely succeed, wisely refraining from any kind of wild caricature for the big screen (having learned that lesson from their first cinematic endeavor), and instead maintain the droll ‘us against them’ connection that defined Mulder and Scully from the start. Duchonvy gets a little big more acclaim here for his bold decision to allow his beard to briefly do a lot of his early acting for him, though. Nice!

It hurts to not focus on any kind of real positive about the movie, but it is a letdown from start to finish. The variance in tone is so perplexing that one wonders how much editing and on-the-fly changes popped up during shooting, because it feels like everyone wore (metaphorical) unwieldy mittens while putting this movie together. It’s jagged, unsmooth, and disconnected from itself all throughout. Why, Chris Carter? Why?

Ultimately, I think the film accomplished its goal: to make us not want another X-Files film. But I have to think they wanted it to be because we didn’t think they could top this one. Instead, we find ourselves avoiding even thinking about it, and dreading any suggestion that we’ll get another. I’d read an original novel based on the character, eventually and only as a paperback on a long transatlantic plane ride, but otherwise it’s probably safe to say: The X-Files are dead.

Long live Californication!

At their 10 year high school reunion... and dreading their 20-year

Didja Notice?

• The dig at the then-current President of the United States was, admittedly, a little bit funny. It is also the only time during the film (other than the credits) that the X-Files theme is heard

• When Mulder and Scully first walk back into the FBI offices right before they walk into the bullpen, a female agent walks by that catches Mulder’s attention and he watches her walk away. The woman is Vanessa Morley, who throughout the series played the young Samantha Mulder, and is the same Samantha in the photo Mulder has taped to the back of his home office door.

Groovy Quotes

Fox Mulder: Are you asking me to give up?
Dana Scully: No. No, I can’t ask you to do that… But I can tell you I won’t be coming home tonight

Fox Mulder: Scully? Why would he say that? “Don’t give up.” Why would he say such a thing to you?
Dana Scully: I think that was clearly meant for you, Mulder.
Fox Mulder: He didn’t say it to me. He said it to you. If Father Joe were the devil, why would he say the opposite of what the devil might say? Maybe that’s the answer, the larger answer. Don’t give up.

Fox Mulder: This is not an exact science. If it were me, I’d be on the guy 24/7. I’d be in bed with him kissing his holy ass.
ASAC Dakota Whitney: Father Joe is a convicted pedophile.
Fox Mulder: [surprised] … Maybe I’d stay out of bed with him.

Agent Mosley Drummy: I don’t believe this.
Fox Mulder: You know, that’s been your problem from the very beginning.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• The X-Files: Fight the Future

• Silence of the Lambs
• Men in Black

]]> http://mutantreviewers.com/blog1/kyle-does-the-x-files-i-want-to-believe/feed/ 2 http://mutantreviewers.com/blog1/the-mrfh-revue-2008-kyle/ http://mutantreviewers.com/blog1/the-mrfh-revue-2008-kyle/#comments Sat, 10 Jan 2009 12:27:06 +0000 Justin http://mutantreviewers.com/blog1/?p=424 Perhaps due to a childhood head injury (my very first scar!), I have never manifested any kind of nostalgic longing for years past. I never understood it myself: I’m ‘half empty’ regarding nearly everything else, but remain convinced that each year has been better than the last and that this trend will continue . . . forever!

Looking back at the films released in 2008, I see a definite trend towards improving quality in films. Yes, I will admit that The Dark Knight and Iron Man certainly contribute mightily to the sense of an upward spiral, both being such massively entertaining and accomplished films that they skew the entire year towards perceived goodness. But for arguably meeting the astronomical expectations, they deserve the VIP status that comes with wrecking 2008’s bell curve of “awesomeness.” (NOTE: I don’t completely understand statistics or their applications, so there you go)

But I’ll leave such comprehensive examinations of artistic merit to those without sore throats and a full day of NFL playoffs to watch. This is about MY year in review and as much as general critical consensus overlaps with my own thoughts on ’08, there are a few instances where taste and circumstance elevated some films and doomed others in my eyes. That’s probably why they call it “taste.” Except that it’s visual. Whatever.

I’m horrific at any kind of ranking, as I strive always to see as many facets as possible. For example, while my initial feeling is that I prefer hamburgers to hot dogs, I have to observe that due to my Chicago roots I have very particular ideas about what constitutes a “great” hog dog. In addition, I’ll happily drive a treacherous mountain road to get to one of the best hot dogs I have ever had in my life, whereas I’m a lot less particular about my hamburgers, since Fatburger would seem (having already had 3 in 2009) to be my preference. I guess it’s a lot easier to be satisfied with any random hamburger than any random hot dog, is my point. And if I had a choice, I’d go with a big cheese pizza anyway.

In one’s own mind and defined reality, ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and ‘possessed of a certain quality that carries more weight than what society-at-large calls “great”’ are so variable, any honest attempt to explain why The Ruins is one of the top ten films of 2008 depends upon very personal rationale and the pleasant distance/anonymity that comes from writing primarily for the Internet. Dig?

Top ___ Lists are amusing, to be sure, but I’m not entirely interested in the exhausting introspection such an endeavor requires. Not that I don’t believe you the reader deserves it, but I think it’s a richer experience for both of us to explore the year without any kind of ‘A is better than B but not quite as good as C’ criterion. But I’m certain at least one fellow Mutant will hew a little closer to that ‘best of list’ format if that is specifically what you’re looking for.

The first half of the year was naturally overshadowed by those two aforementioned films, The Dark Knight and Iron Man, and all I really want to say about them is that they delivered. Above and beyond. Both absolutely fantastic. We knew, but we worried, you know? Looking back now, it’s like, why were we so worried? They were money, they knew it, we knew it. Hooray!

I will say that the first film of the year I was truly excited about was Cloverfield. Much like the hero of that film, my situation in seeing it both times in theaters revolved around girls I was very much interested in, and like New York City in the film my romantic interests were trampled mercilessly by a monster: the monster of self-doubt. Actually, things turned out pretty well for me later, whereas NYC got trashed potentially beyond repair, and (spoiler!) if you stay through the whole credits, record some final gibberish and then play it backwards, the monster is apparently still alive. Cloverfield 2 anybody? I say yes, please!

Beyond that initial release, it seems like everything else got unfairly lumped into a ‘just killing time until Batman’ classification, although perhaps that placed more emphasis on the films to succeed. If they couldn’t make me forget that Batman was coming, then they probably weren’t great movies anyway.

Certain movies gave me enough of a positive vibe that I was willing to drive a great distance (a hot dog distance, in fact) to see them in the smaller theaters that took a chance on screening them. Teeth, In Bruges, and Married Life were all exceptional ‘smaller’ films that deserve (and will surely receive in coming years) much more acclaim than they’ve received; In Bruges especially standing out in a full year. Let the Right One In is the best film I had to go far out of my way to see, and easily my favorite film of 2008 (but #2 isn’t so bad, Dark Knight!). If there is one film I hope you come away thinking “I need to seek that movie out,” I recommend it being Let the Right One In.

Whittling down the release list from these titans, it’s easy to see how the emphasis was on films that connected emotionally because of certain small pleasures they offered: the parts being better than the sum of their whole (does that count as statistics?). So while Jumper is really, really dumb and Hayden Christensen is really, really wooden, I enjoyed seeing it because Rachel Bilson is the absolute coolest EVER. And so on and so forth:

• Rambo – whatever, but that final firefight is crazy-awesome!

• Charlie Bartlett – whatever, but Robert Downey, Jr. and Kat Dennings are super-awesome!
• Street Kings – utterly ridiculous, but I guess you can watch this instead of five seasons or so of The Shield and The Keanu can do no wrong
• Get Smart – stupid, but amusing enough when I was on vacation but couldn’t yet check into my hotel
• The X-Files: I Want to Believe – in retrospect, just a totally bad idea, but seeing Mulder and Scully was fun
• Eagle Eye – exactly what you would expect, but I love Shia LaBeouf!
• Frost/Nixon – actually pretty solid, but not in a flashy/rewatchable way
• Religulous – I’m glad it exists, but make sure it’s part of your exploration on the subject and not the only thing
• Choke – lets the book down completely, but Sam Rockwell is, as they say, “mesmerizing” as is Kelly MacDonald
• The Incredible Hulk – not bad, but so overshadowed by Iron Man it was almost tragic
• Wanted – strong cast, ‘whatever’ adaptation of a solid comic book

There were letdowns and surprises. I didn’t think as much of W. or Burn After Reading as so many did, although I was entertained by them. I didn’t think Righteous Kill was anywhere near as bad as they said, although I struggle to understand why Pineapple Express was as acclaimed as it was. Tropic Thunder was great but forgettable, Mamma Mia! was everything I hoped and more! One mild Sunday evening I snuck into two different films, The Bank Job and Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day, and snuck out without finishing either: bleh. I feel asleep during Doomsday and didn’t feel like I missed too much, but wanted to fall asleep during Vantage Point but stayed sadly lucid.

It is also greatly amusing to see what films remain that I want to see but never got around to: U2 3D, Definitely, Maybe, Be Kind Rewind, Paranoid Park, 21, 88 Minutes, Rogue, War, Inc, The Mother of Tears, Transsiberian, and Synecdoche, New York. Could be a crazy weekend viewing party coming up soon: sign up via email if you want to bring a warm dish or a cold one!

I haven’t seen Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 yet either, but when I went to buy Doctor Who Season 4 they had this cool $20 set where you get both Sisterhood films in those cool thin DVD cases and the original novel: score! (I love Blake Lively!). I sort of want to see Quarantine but I know it’ll be horrible; anyway, the original film [REC] is so amazingly good I can’t even believe it. If you haven’t seen Quarantine yet please don’t! Wait until you can see [REC], you’ll thank me later!

Oh, I haven’t seen Garden Party yet, either, but another great actress from The OC, Willa Holland, is in it, so I’m fairly certain it will be AMAZING.

What remains are the solid films of 2008 that I feel brought something that will allow them endure at least in my DVD cabinet for a very long time. The Ruins was a tremendous surprise, as was Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I had low expectations for The Strangers, disliking Liv Tyler as I do, but that really delivered. Role Models was probably the funniest film I saw all year, while Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist was the most touching and personally-relevant. I don’t know how you felt about it, but I thought Quantum of Solace was a wonderfully inventive take on the James Bond formula: absolutely fantastic!

2008: not so bad after all. Wow! As much as I love to close it out by calling Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull the most disappointing film of the year, the circumstances under which I saw it (surrounded by bubbly, happy hot girls) made watching it enjoyable, even if my soul was crying inside.

But that doesn’t matter anyway. The Happening is one of the worst films I have ever willing sat through, the end. If you take anything away from this article I hope it will be this plea: do not see The Happening.

See you next year!

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