In no particular order… or are they? (Dramatic music)
Oh, and since I couldn’t get the titles to work like I wanted them to: Left is original, right is remix.
Rise of the Albatross — Bionic Commando
“That Castle’s a slippery one”
The Scoop: 2008 R, directed by Lexi Alexander, and starring Ray Stevenson, Dominic West and Julie Benz.
Tagline: Vengeance has a name.
Summary Capsule: Ex-Special Forces instructor–not FBI agent–living in New York–not Miami–turns blood-soaked vigilante after his family is murdered by the mob. Chunks ensue.
Actually, I think there may only be five total, so I guess that kind of takes the special out of it.
Bah! Whatever! Titles that work are just as lame as well though-out introductions! Let’s do this!
Oh, I will pause to mention that you are strongly encouraged to read first, and then decide whether or not you want to view. MRFH and its affiliates, subsidiaries and shadow governments are not responsible for any puking or nightmares that may result.
You know how sometimes you hear a song, and you think, “Hey, this song would go good with such-and-so of a movie situation!” Like, you hear “You Oughta Know” and think to yourself, “This would be well-suited to a creepy ex-girlfriend being creepy!” and then, ideally, change the channel.
You were just browsing stations, right? Tell me you weren’t listening to that crap deliberately.
“It’s you and me, Megatron.”
The Scoop: 2007 PG-13, directed by Michael Bay, and starring Shia Labeouf, Megan Fox and Peter Cullen.
Tagline: Their war. Our world.
Summary Capsule: Hey, isn’t that really similar to the tagline of Dragon Wars? Uh-oh…
“Let’s kill some people!”
The Scoop: 1995 R, directed by Tony Randel and starring Gary Daniels, Isako Washio and Costas Mandylor.
Tagline: A legendary warrior battles against the forces of evil.
Summary: A non-Japanese Japanese man is guided by the ghost of his non-Japanese Japanese father in his quest to defeat a second non-Japanese Japanese man for great justice. It’s long face versus giant round chin in a contest to determine the fate of shabby humanity!
“I need cats like I need butt implants!”
The Scoop: 1991 NR, directed by Skip Jones, and starring Michael Bell, John Byner and Robin Williams.
Summary Capsule: Opus the penguin wants to fly, and he knows just the jolly old elf to help him do it. Also, stooge-geese and hairballs.
“You stick your tongue in my client’s mouth, and I’ll sue your ass off!”
The Scoop: 1987 PG-13, directed by Steve De Jarnatt, and starring Melanie Griffith, David Andrews and Ben Johnson.
Tagline: She’s Blond, Beautiful and Forever Young.
Summary Capsule: Man loses his robot girlfriend to an unfortunate sex mishap, and so goes looking for another, that he may perpetuate further unfortunate sex mishaps.
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“That’s no wolf, it’s a dog! I betcha somebody’s croaked!”
The Scoop: 1938 NR, directed by Harry Revier and starring Shirley Mills, Bob Bollinger and Dorothy Carrol.
Tagline: A THROBBING DRAMA OF SHACKLED YOUTH!
Summary Capsule: Altruistic school marm tells detestable rednecks they shouldn’t marry little girls; hillbilly intrigue ensues.
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