“Fine, don’t believe me. Just wait until he kills you!”

The Scoop: 1984, R, directed by Michael Winner and starring Rachael Kelley, David Allen Brooks, and Rocco Sisto

Tagline: First he tried to kill Mom. Now he’s after me. But no one believes me!

Summary: Typical teen angst story of  a girl who’s parents try to murder her.

Heather’s Rating: It’s great to make friends. It’s greater to make friends who find joy in unleashing their B horror movies on your unsuspecting soul.

Heather’s Review: Actually  this movie is more like a D horror movie. It’s the kind of movie where you have to take a shower afterward to get all of that thick, residual layer of stupid off. Also, I believe that I can now thank my friend for my most esoteric review to date. And I watched Santa’s Slay, for Pete’s sake.

I picked my friend up for a simple, innocent trip to the local winery. Little did I know that afterward she would spring upon me one of the funniest abominations on mankind to have been created. We riffed on this piece of dung from beginning to end. This movie. Oh, this movie. It hasn’t been released on DVD (both a shame and a blessing); has the kind of laugh-out-loud acting, plot, and scenes that make for the best of riffing; and is home to a slew of atrocious music.

Of course, atrocious music is not unexpected in a B horror movie. When one has a score that is even remotely preferable to digging around in one’s ear with a rusty spoon is when such a movie’s music is notable. It’s the odd fascination I’m noticing with the movie’s soundtrack, rather than the movie itself, on the internet that I can’t wrap my brain around. Look this movie up on IMDB: decidedly lacking. Try to find it on Youtube? HA. You make me laugh. Google video, even? Just a regular Google search then? Nary a mention.  Oh, but you just look this sucker up on Wikipedia and you’ll get more information than you could have ever thought someone should know about the soundtrack. Said article won’t lead you to any information about the movie, mind you. There’s no article on it. Guess how much the confused, inconsistent, sometimes-screeching and usually porn-ish CD will set you back on Amazon?

Go ahead, guess.

No, really.

One hundred and sixty-six dollars and twenty-one cents.  $166.21. Yes, folks for a minimum wage worker’s weekly pay you, too own something most people would only pay $20 for, at most. They just can’t be talking about the same movie. And yet….that young pair of eyes peeping through blinds on the CD cover is straight from the same embarrassing venture.

And that brings me back ‘round to the actual movie!

Christie Cromwell suspects her stepfather Paul of trying to murder her and her wealthy mother. She narrates this to us in the opening scene with the same concern as one might point out a piece of lint on one’s shoulder. Key the dramatic screeching noise from our beloved soundtrack! Those first few guffaw-inducing seconds set the tone for a movie full of over-the-top dialogue delivered with the kind of charisma and sincerity that smacks of a cast stuffed with a steady supply of sedatives.

To be honest, if I were Christie and her mother I wouldn’t show any worry over the stepfather/husband Paul, either. That guy has to be the world’s most ineffective murderer on the planet; bumbling through ill-conceived attempt after ill-conceived attempt on his family’s lives and openly “cavorting” with his lover/accomplice, not bothering to shut the blinds or even the windows of his very visible meeting places.

Which brings us to the cover of that soundtrack; Christine was supposedly attempting to gather incriminating evidence against her stepfather. Instead she  spent so many scenes staring through blinds at her stepfather and his other woman in the act that I began to question whether my friend and I were watching a horror movie or a recording of fetishist voyeurism

I can’t end this review without mention of the ridiculous character of Josh Daley; boyfriend of Chrstine’s best friend and, immediately upon said friend’s death, Christine’s boyfriend. This dude has some seriously unique ideas of how to “help” a friend with her grief. Josh Daley, with his cable-knit opaque sweaters and ridiculous overacting had me laughing so hard that I thought I couldn’t catch my breath. That is, until dude freaking tackled himself at full gallop through a glass door, without breaking stride, to save the whiney Christine. Man, I think my friend and I probably rewound that part so many times we wore out the already struggling VHS copy.

If you consider yourself even a slight fan of bad horror you owe it to yourself to buy this from Amazon. You don’t own a VCR? Don’t care. Buy a VHS…they’re only about five dollars now so just do it. The furrowed brows of your local Best Buy dealer will be worth it in the end, I promise you.

Hi daddy. How's it goin'? Little to the left....

Didja Notice?:

• Josh’s assertion that Christine nearly caused that crash, when he witnessed the car not responding? COME ON,you idiot!

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

Only to point and laugh.

Groovy Quotes:

Christie: Sounds like someone was banging on the pipes. Paul: Oh, well it must have been me. I was in the study doing paperwork.

Janey: It’s because you’re still a virgin that you’re so upset.
Christie: I’m upset because my stepfather just tried to kill my mother.

If You LikedThis Movie, Try These:

• Battlefield Earth
• Manos: The Hands Of Fate
• Anything by MST3K

I decree that this particular DHD be a tribute to all those MST3K moments that, whether or not they make us laugh, surely make us scratch our heads and wonder if we’ve just been mentally violated.

Because these moments really should be seen, rather than read about, I tried very hard to get working video clips of each Insane Moment. All episodes are available on DVD,  so make sure to go out and buy these fantastic creations so that you may enjoy them in all their glory.

Everyone drag out your hallucinogens and your tie-dyed T-shirts, ’cause we’re about to go on a trip as I present:

Six of the Most Insane MST3K Moments!

#6. Joel terminates the Holo-Clowns

This is a short skit at the beginning of episode 406, Attack of the Giant Leeches. It’s a carry-over from the last episode where Joel had set up a clown sequence to cheer up the ‘bots (clowns played by Kevin Murphy and Mike Nelson). Unfortunately the clowns have been clowning nonstop for three weeks, when three minutes of clowns is more than enough. The whole crew is at their breaking point and Joel is cutting them loose because “it’s getting hard to sleep at night and [he's] tasting metal”. For most of us just the mere mention of the word “clown” could make us regress into a vegetative state. Stick Mike Nelson in there as a clown who’d rather bludgeon you with his shoe than look at you and things take on a whole other level of pants-wettingly scary. Finally Joel succeeds in cutting the wires controlling the Hex Field, amid anguished screams from the clowns and horrified screams from the crew. Just start this baby up and let ‘er play through the one and half minutes of credits before you’re dunked into the acid bath of terror.

Taste the metal…

Warped Quote: “Hey, little girl…would you like a salted nut roll?”

This is on a website called Furries For Life...why, Google Image Search? Why?!

#5.  Cowboy Mike’s Own Original Red-Hot Rick-o-SHAAAAYY Barbecue Sauce

This daft bit hails from the underdog episode 612, Starfighters-a movie about abso-freaking-lutely nothing but jets refueling. It’s a testament to the genius of the show’s writers that they were able to make anything remotely watchable out of this. No worries…the not-so-brave need not sit through this one to enjoy the hilarious BBQ-sauce skit. As with the Holo Clowns act, we’re thrown right into a snake pit of crazy when Dr. Forrester opens the episode trying to introduce Mike and the bots to his newest invention which consists of some wires strung from his head to Frank’s.  He barely gets started when Mike breaks in with a growling dare to take on some of Mike’s ricochet barbeque sauce. Mike’s down-turned Elvis mouth, the (literal) ten gallon hats he and the bots are wearing, the hats getting “shot” off every time they scream “Rick-O-SHAAAAYYYY”, and Crow’s hilarious screeching of the word “BOOOOOLLLD!” all make this one of my favorite skits.

This skit has nothing to do with anything. It just is. Enjoy

But Clay, do you think it might be….bold?

Warped Quote: “There is no known antydote for new Extry Bold Mike’s Own Original Red-Hot Rick-O-SHAAAAAYYYYY Barbecue Sauce!”

#4 The Ugly Side of the Orville Redenbacher Empire

No. Just....no.

There’s nothing quite like the awkward feeling one gets witnessing a good old dysfunctional family breakdown. The tension in the air, sweat breaking out on your brow, eyes darting towards the nearest exit as the years of bottled up mental anguish and family hate boil toward the surface and threatens set the whole house aflame and you with it. Ah good times, good times. And now, thanks to the friendly crew at MST3K, you can relive those moments over and over with our next insane moment: The Orville Redenbacher Skit.

Like the BBQ sequence, this one really has no purpose or reason other than to serve your brain a healthy glass of WTF (now part of this complete breakfast!). Tom and Crow, never ones to shy away from their truly unique and terrifying form of LARPING, act as Orville’s reluctant heir and the aging popcorn mogul, respectively. Tom, as Orville’s grandson, tries repeatedly to carry on with a commercial for the popcorn and ignore Crow, who heckles and belittles him. The scene escalates into screaming and Tom’s bitter tears before Joel finally steps in and ends the madness, to the relief of all.

You can find this host segment in episode 212, Godzilla vs. Megalon, about an hour and twelve minutes in.

Awaiting you to shed this mortal, pock-marked coil!

Warped Quote: Tom: “….and our new Popcorn Au Gratin has new real cheese flavor!”

Crow: “Good, you should get used to it ‘cause you’re gonna be eating a lot of cheese….government cheese!”

#3 Joel and the trip-tastic Pod People scene

Oh, my friends. If you haven’t seen this episode then you are missing out on what I think is one of the best pieces of work the MST3K group has done. This movie is just one insane moment, but what really took it over the edge what starts out with a kid teaching an alien to play, and ends with the alien turning the child’s room into a Peter Gabriel video. Clothes fly through the air, shoes scoot in and out of the closet, and a Simon Says jitters around the floor like a demonic Roomba …all to the beat of some moronic circus-type music. Fun!

Around an hour and thirteen minutes in we see Joel and the ‘bots playing out the maddening scene for themselves. The camera swings in and out nauseatingly as random objects and a screaming Tom float up and down, Joel jogs and turns in place, and a banana whizzes past the screen, all to the tune of that darned catchy circus dreck. Ever once in a while we cut to the ‘Mads, who can only stare, mouths agape and speechless at what’s happening. We know, guys. We know.

'Cause they never do anything out of the ordinary.

Huzzah!

Flying bananas!

Warped Quote: “Trumpy, you can do stupid things!”

#2 Mike and the ‘bots dabble in children’s television

Numero dos has the list’s only entry featuring Pearl, Brain Guy and Bobo. In episode 811, Parts: The Clonus Horror, finds our space travelers carting along some space orphans acquired in a previous episode. They are vicious little terrors, to the point that Pearl finally asks Mike to help her. Unfortunately for her, she asks him to act out some children’s programming to keep the brats busy. You must know that this is a bad, bad idea.

Things begin well, with Mike and the ‘bots performing a sickeningly sweet Sesame Street type of program teaching the kids about “A” and “3”. This (and the well-timed arrival of “fruit leathers”) placates the children and Pearl attempts to sneak off. Just when she’s almost made it, things take a horrifying turn. The SOL crew quickly switches to Espanol and jiggle around amidst disco lights in junk-scrunchingly tight silver spandex.

The children, and our souls, weep openly.

You’re in molasses swamp!

Warped Quote: “Aqua.”      ………….       “Aqua!”

Stop it, MST3K, just stop it!

#1. DON’T GIVE MIKEY NO MATCHES!

You’ve made it to the end, my friends. Together we have braved dancing furniture, soulless clowns, BBQ sauce…a journey like this deserves the highest of awards: You’re about to have your brain punted right out your skull. Then stomped on. With dull cleats.

There is just nothing in this skit that doesn’t make you want to laugh out loud and simultaneously rip out your eyes out. It’s that freakish. In episode 623, Amazing Transparent Man, we find Frank and Dr. Forrester opening a bed and breakfast together (the less said about this, the better). In an effort to add some local color and charm to the atmosphere, they forcefully enlist the help of their captives and have them dress up in “quaint” country folk apparel. Let us for now and for always remember that one never, EVER should ask these guys for help.

What ensues could easily be a scene from Deliverance, with a little Wrong Turn thrown in. Kevin Murphy, Mike Nelson, and Trace Beaulieu were just brilliant as the tyrannical farmer, slack-jawed idiot, and…”pet”….llama? Everyone plays this scene to ultimate creepy perfection, and I have to say this is some of the best puppetry I’ve seen from Trace, ever. Okay, I’m sorry but this one really has me speechless. Just watch it, regardless of what you have to do. I promise it’s not a segment you’ll easily forget.

Just don’t blame me for your psychiatrist’s bills.

Touch this smelly ‘ole llama!

Warped Quote: Everything everyone says.

“Have a mental margarita”

The Scoop: 1988 PG, directed by Julien Temple and starring Geena Davis, Jeff Goldblum, Jim Carrey and Damon Wayans

Tagline: An out-of-this-world, down-to-earth comedy adventure.

Summary capsule: There’s aliens, girls in bikinis, and Julie Brown. I’m sorry, did you think there was a plot?

Heather’s Rating: Earth girls (Earth girls!)are easy (are easy!)! Whatcha wanna do, little buckaroo, come ooooon!

Heather’s Review: My method for picking movies is pretty off-kilter. Your average person picks something featuring one’s favorite actor/actress, something from a preferred genre, or something that looks good or was recommended by a friend.

Many times I’ll watch a movie, good or bad, based purely upon it being referenced in pop culture. I’m the kind of person who wants to “get” every reference made in every movie, TV show, book, and song that I like. I might never have paid Earth Girls Are Easy any mind if it hadn’t been for the film’s inclusion in the lyrics of one of my favorite songs off of the Cowboy Bebop soundtrack. When I first heard the song I barely knew that movie existed. Once I ran across it on (say it with me) Netflix! I decided I had to see it.

That being the case, I couldn’t have expected this movie to be a Citizen Kane or Mr. Hollands Opus, and it certainly wasn’t.

I want to preface the meat of this review with a little marinade, if you will (Oooh, that was a bad metaphor. Sorry).While I love goofiness when goofiness is the intention I do NOT tolerate goofiness in the form of fifth grade humor and slapstick (read: most Will Ferrell films). I can appreciate a film like Earth Girls Are Easy while simultaneously being miffed at Pale Rider, simply because of one very important difference: a film trying to be silly is laughable in a good way. A film taking itself so seriously that it becomes silly is laughable in a bad way.

Now when I say I appreciate EGAE, I’m not saying that it’s a good movie. It’s got a few major hits against it: A silly, sex-centered plot, the inclusion of a Wayans brother… but it manages a charm that actually makes you want to watch the goofball story, bright colors and ridiculous musical numbers. Said musical numbers only add up to a blessedly small amount (around three) and make this movie an even better choice as the background for your 80’s-themed party.  All of your guests will be singing along with “‘Cause I’m a Blonde”. If they don’t then throw them out immediately, lest their sourpussness infect you.

EGAE’s plot is the kind of thing people were only putting out in the eighties: Mac (Goldblum), Wiploc (Carrey), and Zeebo (Wayans), a trio of furry and colorful sexually frustrated aliens, crash land into a pool belonging to a cute, naive Earth girl named Valerie (Davis). She shows them around and has her friend give them makeovers to make them look human. All the better for them to go out and par-tay! Wackiness and abominations against nature ensue. There’s plenty of garish clothing and hair, your standard dance-off scene, and the kind of sexual situations that would make a professional uncomfortable.

On that note, am I alone in the feeling that Geena Davis and Jeff Goldblum were a perfect romantic couple in this movie in that they are both inexplicably attractive? Geena Davis at times has a very old Hollywood kind of beauty, and at the right times is quite good-looking. At the same time she has this weird lisp-like quality to her voice and her face tends to look like a misshapen Cabbage Patch doll. I applaud that kind of versatility. Jeff Goldblum’s sex appeal, on the other hand, is more difficult for me to come to terms with. His silky voice, his Jame Bond-like charm, and not at all unpleasant body are definite turn-ons. And yet I know of hardly a picture of him where he doesn’t look like a cross between a lemur and an elf. I always feel kind of wrong inside for finding him attractive, especially in his shirtless “hey look I’m a sexy, nearly hairless human now!” scene.

Ack, movie! Why must you confuse me so?

Want a second opinion?  Check out DNA Error’s review here!

Oh, Dr. Love? Somebody needs a dose of your hot chicken legs and a cold, cold stethoscope!

Didja Notice?:

• Could be I just have a dirty mind, but that’s some awfully phallic landing gear.
• “Dr. Love” needs to pay a visit to “Dr. Gym” to get rid of those spindly chicken legs.
• Geena Davis was horrendously skinny here! Somebody help me: Is it really attractive to be able to view a woman’s first five ribs in such horrific detail?

Intermission!:

Two of the cars from Death Race 2000 appear in this film. Calamity Jane’s car is visible at the gas station, and Frankenstein’s car can be seen on the road while Carry and Wayons’ characters are driving backwards.

Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis also played a romantic couple in the remake of the sci-fi classic The Fly.

Groovy Quotes:

Candy: I see split ends are universal. Lost in space with no conditioner, eh?

Woody: Waste your brain, wax your board, pray for waves.

Mac: Are we limp and hard to manage?

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across The Eighth Dimension
• Mars Attacks!
• Spaceballs

The Scoop: 1996 NR, Directed by Yoshiaki Kawajiri/Kevin Seymour and starring Dean Elliot and Wendee Lee (English version)

Summary Capsule: It’s the final countdown! Bah da baaa baaa! Ba-da -bap ba baaaaa!

Heather’s Rating: How did this movie not receive any kind of rating? Really?

Heather’s Review: I recently outed myself on the boards as an anime fan during Kaleb’s specific and frighteningly telling anime contests. Sadly I did not win, for both times Eunice trampled me with her mad anime nerd skillz, for which I give much props. Word.

I’m a big fan of anime tv series, but never delved much into the movies. Oh sure, I’ne seen the Cowboy Bebop movie, but does that really count? Take into account that the only other anime movies I had ever watched were Hayao Miyazaki films and it comes to light that I’ve really been missing out on this genre that I love.

I was talking with a friend of mine online and in the middle of the conversation he throws out a movie quote, saying he’d be impressed if I recognized it.  I failed to impress and had to admit thatI had no clue what he was talking about. The ensuing reaction was something along the lines of “AAAH you have to watch this movie now AAAHHH!!!” I imagine he was probably yelling at me through his computer screen, typing furiously in order to alert me as quickly as possible to Ninja Scroll,  a piece of cinematic awesome that is one of his favorite films of all time OMG.

I looked it up on Netflix, which has it available for instant play. In response to my friend’s pleading I decided that I could put off my attempts to permanently burn Facebook’s Farm Town application onto my retinas for at least another day while I watched a movie about Japan, ninjas, and demons. I think I made the right choice.

I enjoyed Ninja Scroll more than I thought I would enjoy a movie of its ilk. Ninja Scroll is about Jubei, a ninja-for-hire who finds out that an old nemesis of his is back with sinister plans and an army of demons. Wendee Lee (squee!) voices the beautiful ninja warrior Kagero, whom Jubei rescues from one of the demons and befriends. The two set off together on their quest with your stereotypical goofy old Japanese sensei-type character in tow. The whole dramatic and over the top warringsideseveryonediesbloodsplatterseverywhere anime isn’t usually my thing. ESPECIALLY if there are gratuitous sex scenes involved.

That being said I still ended up liking this movie, despite its best efforts. For instance, there was so much blood and gore that in one shot it is literally raining blood. Body parts become detached in a myriad of interesting and physics-defying fashions. I really wish I could have had a video recorder handy so that I could go back and watch the faces I was making during these scenes. The way my facial muscles felt afterwords I must have looked like an extra in a Tim Burton film.

The sexual parts of the film were typically offensive and bordering on creepy Japanese fetish material. Honestly at one point I began to wonder whether or not Netflix had sneaked a hentai in on me. It never quite went to that level, but still.

I’m not going to blame this one on the movie, because it could be the fault of the translators, but the dialogue in this movie is pretty stiff and awkward.  During long bouts of talking I would just tune out until blood started flying again. I guess I can see why they didn’t worry too much about the dialogue, ’cause who’s really paying attention to dialogue when a guy’s face is sliding down the edge of a sword?

What brought the film from brainless slaughtering and sex to brainless slaughtering and sex that I’ll actually keep watching was the very interesting plot, terrific voice cast , and a large dose of imagination in the storytelling. The demons were so diverse and creepy as only the Japanese can make ‘em. Don’t even get me started on the wasp-controlling demon who, at one horrifying point, reveled himself to be the demon equivalent of a Surinami toad. A Surinami toad that, instead of giving birth to little toad babies out of the holes in his back, spawns wasps. Holy mother of everything good and decent in this world I want to know what was wrong with the human being who dredged that up from the seventh layer of Hell and can he/she please not procreate?

Mind-bending terror aside, the movie’s creativity, well-crafted story and terrific editing were an unexpected joy that kept me watching. I’ll even venture to say that I would watch it again.

But next time I’m totally skipping past the wasp scene.

Wish to punch me, you will

Didja Notice:

• Strategic snake placement
• That chamberlain sure knows how to multitask

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?:

Nay, good reader!

Intermission:

Ninja Scroll was much popular upon its release in the US than it was in Japan.

Groovy Quotes:

Tesai: Not quite the right direction. The road to Hell is… RIGHT HERE.

Utsutsu Mujuro: If you want to kill me, you mustn’t make any sound at all.       Jubei: The only sound you’ll hear, is the sound of your own voice screaming.

Jubei: I swear if you come back to life again that I’ll kill you again, no matter how many times! Aaaaaaah!

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Cowboy Bebop
• Princess Mononoke
• Akira

The Scoop: 2009 PG, directed by Shawn Levy and starring Ben Stiller, Amy Adams, Hank Azaria and Owen Wilson

Tagline: When the lights go off, the battle is on.

Summary Capsule: It’s up to Larry to rescue his friends from the evil clutches of Moe! I mean, Kahmunrah!

Heather’s Rating: No, really… just how crazy is a road lizard?

Heather’s Review: I got a puzzled glance from the cashier when this grown woman bought just one admission ticket for a film called Night At The Museum:  Battle of the Smithsonian. I was originally supposed to see this film with my young nephew and niece, but was dumped on the day of in favor of playing with firecrackers with their friends. I’d rather not think about what that says for my appeal as a person.

Even so  I’m happy to say that I don’t regret my choice of movie, and I actually had a really good time watching this sequel by myself. There’s something to be said for going to the theater alone, during off hours, staring up at a big screen that seems to be playing just for me. I can have all the elbow room I want and can even prop my feet up on the seat in front of me (yeah, I’m a loose cannon).

Back in 2006, the first movie told the story of Larry Daley (Stiller), a reluctant new night guard for the Museum of Natural History. Larry is shocked to discover that the exhibits are brought to life every night by a magical Egyptian tablet. Apparently the ancient Egyptians created gaudy baubles to animate store mannequins and wax statues when they got bored inventing trivial crap like paper and surgery.

The second movie extends the tale two years into the future, and we see that Larry is now a successful businessman. He takes a trip to the museum near closing time and finds museum director Dr. McPhee (Ricky Gervais, reprising his role!) standing amongst a lobby full of shipping crates containing much of the museum’s exhibits. McPhee informs Larry that the museum is changing over to interactive holographic exhibits, with the exception of the most popular pieces. Everything else is being shipped to the archives at the Smithsonian Institute. Larry stays behind to say goodbye to his friends and apologize for not spending much time with them over the years. Near dawn Teddy Roosevelt admits that the tablet isn’t going to the Smithsonian and those being shipped will never awaken again.

Larry is surprised soon afterward when he gets a distressed phone call from cowboy miniature Jedediah (Wilson), asking him to come help. Dexter, that rascally stuffed capuchin from the first film, stole the tablet and brought it with them to the Smithsonian. Now they are being attacked by Kahmunrah, a ne’er-do-well pharaoh with plans to use the tablet to awaken his Army of the Undead.

*whew*. Longest. Plot rehash. Ever. With that out of the way, I just want to say how completely surprised I was with this movie. There was a terrific cast, most returning from the first movie, with some awesome new additions. Hank Azaria was brilliant as Kahmunrah. I loved his nod to Boris Karloff with that accent and slight lisp. Azaria fleshed out a perfectly balanced evil/funny villain in a genre that tends to take said character archetype over the top. Another welcome addition was Christopher Guest who, in my opinion, had far too small of a role as Ivan The Terrible.

I recommend this as a terrific film for the family (or lonely twentysomething). The special effects were just fantastic, and there were some genuinely hilarious moments that had me laughing out loud ‘til I attracted the attention of the usher (don’t think I didn’t see you there, sneaking in a movie on company time. Yeah, I kept my feet up on that seat. If I’m going down, you’re going down with me).
 This movie, like its predecessor, had its faults. Most glaring was Bill Hader’s General Custer. Oh my gosh how I loathed that annoying, screeching thing. The movie wouldn’t have suffered one iota if he had been left out completely. I also wasn’t too keen on the character of Amelia Earhart. She was just unimpressive to me.  In every other instance this movie succeeded where the previous one failed (like trying too hard to be funny, and the stupid monkey Dexter. Why is there always a monkey?), and really found its footing in what I’m happy to say is a sequel that I liked as good, if not better, than the original.

Which really sucks for me, because it’s not going to be so easy to explain why a childless adult owns both movies on DVD.

This could be any number of recent Nicholas Cage movies.

Didja Notice?:

• The Wright Brothers munching on those awful freeze-dried “astronaut treats” sold in museum gift stores?
• Would that kind of aircraft really make it from Washington, D.C. to New York in less than an hour?
  The slow-mo Miniatures vs. Shoes scene was very funny.

Intermission:

This is the first movie to be filmed in the Smithsonian.

Groovy Quotes:

Kahmunrah: I am Kahmunrah, the great king of the great kings, and from the darkest depths of ancient history. I have come back to life!                                                                                                                         Larry: [Awkwardly] Uh-huh.
Kahmunrah: Perhaps you did not hear what I just said. I am a century old Egyptian pharoah. I was dead, but now I have come back to life!                                                                                                                        Larry: No, I heard that, I got that. Welcome Back.

Jedediah: [To Kahmunrah] You’re crazier’n a road lizard!

[Confronting Darth Vader]
Kahmunrah: Is that you breathing? Because I- I can’t hear myself think! There’s too much going on here; you’re asthmatic, you’re a robot. And why- what’s with the cape? Are we going to the opera? I don’t think so.

Larry: I’m sorry. Last time I checked, I thought we lived in a free country. So…
Brandon: No, we don’t.
Larry: No?
Brandon: It’s the United States of “Don’t Touch That Thing Right in Front of You.”

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Night At The Museum
• Toy Story
• The Emperor’s New Groove

Let’s hear what the Mutants have to say!

Mike: It’s funny, a friend of mine actually coined a term for this phenomena: Darkman Syndrome. It’s a weird category here. Mortal Kombat at the time it came out was the coolest thing I’d ever seen, and upon seeing it more recently I literally cringed at the crappy CGI, atrocious dialogue, and wooden acting, but alternatively, Howard the Duck has only improved in my estimation. Go fig.

Lissa: I’ll take your word on Howard the Duck, because there’s no WAY I am EVER watching that again. The once from my childhood was enough, thanks, and there’s not enough booze in the world for me to recant that.

It’s been mentioned before in reviews, but The Neverending Story is one that just doesn’t age well. Which is sad, because the book is even cooler than I remember it, especially with its colored text. But the movie… yeah. Wish dragons aren’t as awesome as I remember.

Heather: Um…it’s a luck dragon, Lissa. Get your outdated 80’s icons right, won’t ‘ya? Sheesh! Well as I’ve just made painfully obvious I can still stomach Neverending Story (and love to dance to the theme on DDR Extreme). What really wrenched my childhood memories on the rewatch is Flight Of The Navigator. That was my favorite movie of all time and I spent countless hours in front of the television watching it whenever it ran on The Disney Channel. I only wish it were half as amazing to me now as it was then. “Get around, ’round, ’round, I get around!”

Mike: That’s funny! My four-year-old nephew just now picked that movie out of my DVD collection. Also, did you know it looks as though Disney is remaking it? I’m still kinda blown away by the space ship design, if a tad underwhelmed by some effects and Joey Cramer’s performance (and yes, I had to look him up). PS – I’m not saying Howard the Duck isn’t a miserable, poorly written failure, I’m just saying it’s the kind of miserable failure I can get into…for free…on Hulu.

Lissa: Luck dragon, wish dragon… either way it doesn’t breathe fire and smite its enemies, and therefore it has now become lame (says the woman who reviews any princess movie that comes out).  You know, speaking of Disney, there’s a category in itself.  I used to love all things Disney.  Still do like a lot of it, but now that I’m being forced to rewatch much of the collection, I’m rather amazed that I was as devoted to some of the older movies as I was.  (Although I still love the Prince John song from Robin Hood, and always will.  Phil Harris =  one of the best voices EVER in animation.)

Drew: Any movie I dragged my poor mother to in the theater. Mom, I’m so sorry. Masters of the Universe was not worth coming back to the next day because the projector broke in the middle of the film. And that one about the kid who gets a blank check and cashes it for a million dollars? Ugh. Home Alone, of course. Oh, and The Wizard — in those pre-Internet days, we would have paid $6 just for a glimpse of Super Mario 3 ahead of time. The rest of the movie was superfluous… but, much like the Power Glove, so bad.

Justin: One of my nephews’ name is Lucas, and every time I see him, I make a Power Glove joke (much to the dismay of his parents).

There were a ton of movies we watched repeatedly “back in the day” that aren’t worth spit to me now. Neverending Story, yes, although it’s iconic enough to still be useful. Lots of Disney movies come to mind — Sword in the Stone, Great Mouse Detective, The Rescuers (that was Disney, right?). My brothers and I also watched this TV movie called “The Rescue”, which was a highly-laughable ripoff of (of all things) Iron Eagle — Navy SEALS are captured during a dangerous mission, and it’s only up to their kids to invade (I think) North Korea to bust them out of jail.

Oh, and Short Circuit 2… yeah, I wouldn’t give it the time of day right now, but I must’ve memorized it way back when.

The Scoop: 1985, R, Directed by Clint Eastwood and starring Clint Eastwood and Michael Moriarity

Tagline: Hell has come home.

Summary Capsule: The Man With No Name saves a mining settlement with no hope

Heather’s Rating: Two out of ten overblown egos

Heather’s Review: I’ve been home for a visit for two weeks and, even wrenched from the bosom of my beloved Netflix account, I’ve been able to get in quite a lot of movies. The beauty of cable (which I am too miserly to buy for myself) is that there’s always a movie on. Last Sunday ABC was running a marathon of movies featuring Hollywood’s iconic heroes. My nephew and I were just being lazy and hanging out for the afternoon. We caught the end of Two Mules For Sister Sara and made the unfortunate decision to watch Pale Rider, which came on right after.

I reviewed TMFSS a while back and, having never seen a Clint Eastwood movie before, I fell in love and decided I had to watch everything that he’s been in. Except for Every Which Way But Loose. I just don’t think I can get behind that. I should have gone with something tried and true like Dirty Harry or The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Instead I got stuck with a shameless Clint Eastwood vanity project.

Pale Rider (an allusion the Biblical description of Death upon a pale horse) tells the story of a small settlement of miners who are being bullied out of their land by a greedy landowner and his son (who looks like a cross between Elijah Wood and Toby Maguire). Their salvation comes in the form of a nameless preacher who shows up while one of the miners is ganged up on by six of the landowner’s thugs. Our hero, known only as “Preacher”, halts the attack by pulling out some fancy karate gimmicks with a hickory axe handle and handily dispatching of the group. Hull (Michael Moriarity) thanks Preacher and asks him to come back with him and help the miners. Preacher agrees and sets in motion a wave of awe and google-eyes from everyone he encounters.

Honestly, folks, I don’t know where to start. I knew my nephew and I were in trouble when, five minutes into the movie, we were treated to a young girl burying her dog and saying The Lord’s Prayer over the fresh grave, inserting her own commentary after every line. She says things like “The Lord is my shepard. I shall not want. But I do want”. I don’t know what Clint was going for, but the result was just forced and weird and the audience has to suffer through a whole prayer’s worth. We would have changed channels at this point, but this was already proving to be excellent fodder for the MST3K treatment.

This Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Preacher flick relies on Clint Eastwood’s ability to be awesome to carry the goofy scenes and implausible romantic triangle involving the aforementioned fourteen-year old girl and her mother. I wish I were joking, people. Hardly a scene went by that didn’t have my nephew and I cringing or guffawing. Halfway in we watched Preacher take a sledgehammer to a man’s cashews and then help him back to his horse. The man, who is the landowner’s main muscle, thereafter becomes “good” and helps Preacher throughout the rest of the film, leading me to believe that the man is either a complete idiot or is into some seriously weird kink.

I can’t begin to describe the stomach-shrinking creepiness of the scene where the fourteen-year old professes her love to Preacher and tries to seduce him. Yes, you read that correctly and no, I will not relive my horrible memories by explaining. Might I add that the scene begins with the girl saying to him “This is where I buried my dog”? I don’t know what drove you to think up that scene, Mr. Eastwood, but I know that there’s professional help available for what ails ‘ya.

All of this was so distracting that I can’t even recall whether or not the acting was any good. It wasn’t distractingly bad, except in the case of Megan (the…erm…driven teenaged daughter). Maybe Clint’s intention was to make everything and everyone else so secondary that the audience would focus only on him, hoping for some bloodshed to break the tedium and idiocy. Whatever the case may be, I think I’ll be steering clear of any future films directed by Mr. Eastwood unless I get some very convincing arguments for them (and a dose of Vicodin).

Clint Eastwood was trained by Shaolin monks in the arts of axe-kickery

Didja Notice?:

• Eastwood can kick eight dudes’ butts with a stick but can’t put out a match with a tub full of water?
• “This is where I buried my dog” actually surpassed the level of awkwardness acheived by “This is where the fish lives”?
• What on earth is that thing sitting on the steps when Preacher steps out into streets?
• Who’s idea was it for the marshall to call out “Prrreeeeaaaacherrrrr…” over and over, echoing into the  moonlight, through the mountains. What, is he a coyote?

Intermission!:

• The train station built for production was used again late in 1988 for Back To The Future, Part III

Groovy Quotes:

Preacher: Good gun for buffalo. The problem is there aren’t any hereabouts.
Hull: I’m going with you.
Preacher: No buffalo where I’m going, either.

Eddie: It was him. Him and his men. They shot him. Forever. The bullets kept hitting him. Forever.

Sarah Wheeler: Who are you? Who are you… really?
Preacher: Well, it really doesn’t matter, does it?

Megan Wheeler: Preacher? Preacher? We love you Preacher… I love you!… Good-bye!

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• A Fistful of Dollars
• 3:10 to Yuma
• The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance

Some are amazing pieces of art: intriguing, captivating, thought-provoking and piquing our curiosity to the point that there is no way we will not see what awesome piece of celluloid could have inspired such stunning beauty.

This article is not about those posters.

Frequently I peruse the aisles of the local video store or Netflix list and sigh in exasperation at some of the ridiculous move poster ideas that long should have been shelved, such as:

The Poster: Disembodied heads in the top half, boring bit of “action” in the bottom half.

Offending Genre: Drama, usually.

Why This Has To Go: I get it. Really, I do. If you’ve got a drama on your hands then basically you’re going to have a make a poster about a movie that focuses solely on one person and his/her life and struggles. I can see how sometimes there’s really nothing else to do but stick the protagonist on the front, but…can’t we have something a little less like a Rolling Stone spread?

See, This is How We Do It:

…like a Rolling Stone cover! Simple. Beautiful. Eye-catching. Still just the protagonist of our story, but at least the titular guitar is in there, and in a very beautiful shot.

The Poster: The back-to-back shot

Offending Genre: Romantic comedies and buddy flicks

Why This Has To Go: Pretty much any romantic comedy flick has boring posters, and this one bugs me almost more than the disembodied heads. The romantic comedy poster is rife with just pictures of the loving couple being in woooovvveeee, hating each other’s guts, or somewhere in the middle like this latest Matthew McConaughey vehicle. Honestly, is this guy contractually obligated to make 3.5 horrible “rom-coms” a year?

See, This Is How We Do It:

Pancake pillows! A lot more people would watch romantic comedies if they were advertising pancake pillows!

The Poster: Moody and reflective, a la gun pointed up, head tilted down, resting on barrel.

Offending Genre: Action, thrillers.

Why This Has To Go: Honestly, what is the deal with these things? Action fans want awesomeness, a smokin’ cast and lots of deaths and ’splosions. Not: “Oh no. I blew someone away. With this gun. Again. Life is so hard *sigh*.”

See, This Is How We Do It: Mmm……*ahem* sorry. I, uh…posted the wrong pic.

You know your poster screams “action” when you’re afraid to turn your back on it.

The Poster: A dark, empty house on a hill on a dark, empty night.

Offending Genre: Horror

Why This Has To Go: Oh come on, Hollywood! This movie isn’t even about the house! You know you’re overusing your already tired idea when you just slap it on anything with with the subject in the title.

See, This Is How We Do It:

Sure, skulls are really overused in the horror genre, but how can you not say that this poster is awesome?

The Poster: Character or group of characters looking at us through a woman’s legs.

Why This Has To Go: At least half of all college comedies use this idea for their poster. In fact, offhand I know of two more National Lampoon movies that used it.

See, This Is How We Do It!

Most of us haven’t been covered in Post-Its (But if you have, you know, I’m not judging….) but we can definitely identify with the feeling we get looking at this poor shmuck. Also, how can you not love that tagline?

The Poster: Our brooding hero/heroine standing menacingly, preferable overlooking the city he/she has sworn to protect

Gorgeous as Kate Beckinsale is, this is just a boring poster.

Offending Genre Superhero flicks

Why This Has To Go: Superhero movies have some of the best posters out there (*cough*DarkKnight*cough*), but time to time even they succumb to just sticking the protagonist on the front, looking “cool”.

See, This Is How We Do It:

Beautiful. Need I say more?

Mmm……..sorry. Had to. Don’t deny that you have a man crush for him, guys.

The Scoop: 1966, NR, directed by Harold P. Warren and starring Harold P. Warren, Diane Mahree, John Reynolds and Tom Neyman

Tagline: “It’s shocking! Beyond your imagination!”

Summary Capsule: Family is terrorized by a man with big knees, women in granny panties and a skinny, mustachioed guy who plays fingerpaints on his outerwear.

Heather’s Rating: Why not “Ojos: The Eyes of Fate”. Now that’s creepy!

Heather’s Review: So… Manos: The Hands of Fate. Made on a bet, fertilizer salesman Harold P. Warren created what has been widely touted as the worst film ever made. Why, even the title alone screams incompetence as, literally translated from Spanish, it means “Hands: The Hands of Fate”. Kudos to “Hal” for continuing our country’s long tradition of looking completely ignorant about other cultures and languages. Way to keep the dream alive, man.

Back in 1966 Harold P. Warren met up with Sterling Silliphant, who was scouting for locations for a film, and bet him that anyone could make a film (big words, coming from a turd pusher). Sterling took him up on the bet and the result is an abomination on humanity.

Now I’m skeptical any time that someone says there were no good qualities about a particular film. It’s a wide generalization for a work that involves so many different people and talents and it’s hard to fathom that not one single thing was done right. On that note, I defy you to find even one redeeming quality in this movie. No one involved in this monstrosity had any clue what he or she was doing. Harold Warren scooped together a crew of total amateurs for all of his acting and technical needs (I like to imagine that they were fellow purveyors of poop), but he didn’t stop there. Oh, no! Apparently Mr. Warren’s wasn’t content with merely having sub-par actors; he had to have sup-par equipment as well. He procured a 16-millimeter Bell & Howell spring-wound camera to shoot his opus of offal. The thing couldn’t capure sound and, being spring-wound, could only shoot thirty-two seconds at a time.

Sane individuals would have realized their fatal shortcomings at this point and returned to their day jobs, but not Harold! But then, given the day job in question, maybe I can empathize a bit with ‘ol Hal.

The “plot” (for lack of a better word) revolves around a husband (predictably played by Harold himself), his wife and their daughter, who are off to vacation at the Valley Lodge. They get lost and wind up at a polygamist pagan cult’s “Lodge of Sins”, run by a black poncho wearing, Fu-Manchu-sporting “Master” and tended by Torgo the Stuttering Satyr. This is seventy-four minutes of ridiculously awkward pauses, laughable dialogue, a horribly blurred and choppy picture, completely incompetent actors and a soundtrack that would better serve as a military torture device.  The movie was a huge embarrassment for everyone involved (the crew was literally laughed out of the movie theater where it premiered), and would probably never have been heard of again if it hadn’t been featured on cult TV phenomenon Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Unless you’re of the particularly masochistic variety, I would not recommend watching this movie without the commentary from the MST3K crew. But beware: The Master would not approve.

The couple that stays together, develops matching butt-chins together.

Didja Notice?:

• Whoever did the dubbing for the little girl’s voice made her sound like Michael Jackson with a head cold and a mouth full of moth balls. So…basically MJ on any given day, really.
• Holy Overboard-Hand-Motif, Batman!
• The moths constantly flying by the camera in the nighttime shots

Intermission:

Because the camera couldn’t capture sound, all of the voices were dubbed over by three or four people, resulting in many scenes where you can’t tell which character is talking.

Groovy Quotes:

Torgo: I am Torgo. I take care of the place while The Master is away.

Torgo: Dead? No, madam. Not dead the way you know it. He is with us always. Not dead the way you know it. He is with us always.

Margaret: Mike, I don’t like this.
Mike: It’s nothing to worry about. It’s only your imagination.

Master’s Wife: The woman is all we want! The others must die! They ALL must die! We do not even want the woman!
Cop: [to the drunk teenagers] Well, whatever it is you’re *not* doing, go *don’t* do it somewhere else!
Teenage Girl: Why don’t you guys leave us alone?

The Master: Arise my wives. Give ear to the words of Manos. Arise my wives! And hear the will of Manos!

Soundtrack:

It plays on a constant loop in Purgatory.

If You Liked This Movie, These:

• Ritualistic beatings
• Novacaine-free dental surgery
• Battlefield Earth

The Scoop: 1988 R, directed by Michael Lehmann and starring Winona Ryder, Christian Slater, Shannen Doherty, Lisanne Falk and Kim Walker

Tagline: No tagline

Summary Capsule: Boy meets girl, boy starts killing everyone she knows

Heather’s Rating: Could someone buy these kids a Zippo, please?

Heather’s Review: There’s really no other way to begin this than to tell you that three years ago I was part of a group of five Heathers. Most of us went to church together, prompting the need for us to be assigned monikers based on our state/country of origin. I was Kentucky Heather, there was a Tennessee Heather, Louisiana Heather and then Australia Heather. I reveled in the incredulous reactions we’d receive whenever we were all together and introduced ourselves. I always found it amusing to have to pull out picture ID to prove we weren’t playing a prank (”Really? You think we’re that pathetic? Hahaha…okay then, you goober..”). Unfortunately there was always the inevitable question to follow: “So have you seen that movie ‘Heathers’?” Well no, no I hadn’t. Why? Well, I mean…I guess for the same reasons that I haven’t watched a lot of movies: There are only so many hours in a day. Besides I don’t pick out my films purely because I have something in common with the title. If that were true then, given my DVD collection, my life would be a whole lot more awesome. In reality I would have more in common with something titled “Slacker Gaming Housewives and the Always-Deployed Husbands Who Love Them”. But I digress…My negative answer always drew surprise, yet honestly I don’t think the people that asked me about “Heathers” had seen the movie either. When asked, no one could ever elaborate on the plot any farther than “Well it’s about some mean girls named Heather. And they’re in high school.” Gee, thanks. Sounds awesome. I’ll jump right on that.

When I finally got around to watching it about a week ago I expected another preachy “popularity isn’t all it’s cracked up to be” movie. I suppose that’s what I got, underneath the cold blooded murder, scarring and filthy language (a CHAINSAW? Really? WTF?), the satiric portrayal of a town practically lusting over the teen suicide “fad” and mockery of our media’s sensationalism.

Veronica Sawyer, a genius-level intellect, finds herself in a popularity trap of her own making. In too deep, she finds distraction from the shallow Heather trio through her heated outpourings in her diary and the new guy in town, a mysterious and attractive rebel named J.D. Veronica and J.D. accidentally kill off the lead Heather and cover it up as a suicide. Jason seems to have a bit of repressed bloodlust, as this one instance sets him off on a killing spree, dragging Veronica along with him. Veronica is caught between her psychopathic love interest’s extracurriclars, Heather Duke’s power trip as she tries to step up as new clique leader , and the town’s cult-like fascination with the rash of teenage “suicides” sweeping through their local high school.

Dan Waters, the writer, created this story as a satire of the media’s obsession with teen suicide in the ’80s. According to Dan Waters (as per his commentary on the DVD’s special features) the media was having a frenzy with it. They grossly exaggerated matters and used its shock value as a ratings booster (as the media is wont to do). I wouldn’t recall, as I was more into watching Saturday morning cartoons than the nightly news when this came out. Even so I can relate, as we all can, to being utterly exasperated with the media grabbing one particular type of story, rallying behind it or shocking us with it until it’s run in the ground.

Luckily I didn’t have any high expectations for this film as one of the all-time cult classics, so I ended up really enjoying it rather than being disappointed when it didn’t shine as brightly as the pedestal I’d placed it on. The “Heathers” plot was definitely an unexpected plot (albeit a slightly painful one to watch, given the school tragedies over the last decade or so) and it kept me interested. The dialogue was very offensive and at the same time off the wall and hilarious. Waters created a totally new set of slang, something I’ve only ever seen in Clueless. For those who care (not me) the outfits were certainly…intriguing. If it weren’t for the shoulder pads I’d have a hard time dating this movie by the clothes alone, they had that unique of a look.

All that said I’ll go where everyone else has by saying I hate the last couple of minutes. Other than that, and dialogue so filthy it would probably have Navy SEALS squirming, this is easily a movie I can see watching over and over again.

Didja Notice:

Typically this is not what you want to see on a date.

• Veronica’s fantastic dresser with the punctuation marks for handles?
• Heather Chandler sounds like she goes in and out of a Southern accent, especially at the beginning of the Lunchtime Poll
• I refuse to believe Christian Slater is not Jack Nicholson’s clone, possibly being primed as an organ donor
• Was Shannen Doherty wearing geisha makeup or something? I mean it takes some work to be paler than Winona Ryder.
• The Sharper Image poster in the frat house?

Groovey Quotes:

J.D.: Now that you’re dead, what are you gonna do with your life?

"You know, in hindsight I think I should have stuck with the milk and orange juice"

Veronica: Betty Finn was my best friend and I sold her out for Swatch Dogs and Diet Coke Heads.

Pauline: Whether or not to commit suicide is one of the most important decisions a teenager can make.

Veronica: What is your damage, Heather?

Heather McNamara: Suicide is a private thing.
Veronica: You’re throwing your life away to become a statistic on U. S. A. Today; that’s about the least private thing I can think of.

Veronica: If you think I’m doing another suicide note you’re wrong!
J.D.: You don’t get it do you? Society nods its head at any horror the American teenager can think upon itself. Nobody is going to care about exact handwriting.

J.D.: Seven schools in seven states and the only thing different is my locker combination.

Heather Duke: Hi, everybody. Door was open. Veronica, did you hear? We were doing Chinese at the food fair, when it comes over the radio that Martha Dumptruck tried to buy the farm. She belly-flopped in front of a car wearing a suicide note.
Veronica: Is she dead?
Heather: No… that’s the punchline. She’s alive, and in stable condition. Just another case of a geek trying to imitate the popular people and failing miserably.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Better Off Dead
• Mean Girls
• Very Bad Things

The Scoop: 1944, Unrated, Directed by Billy Wilder and starring Fred MacMurray, Barbara Stanwyck, and Edward G. Robinson

Tagline: It’s Love And Murder At First Sight!

Summary Capsule: An insurance salesman with a taste for someone else’s wife gets mixed up with a rotten dame that might be the death of him.

Heather’s Rating: When will they every learn that someone who’d kill their spouse to be with you is probably has a unique view of the word ”love”?

Heather’s Review: How did it come to this? How did my life come to the point where my computer crashing is such a melodramatic punch to my soul? About three years ago (ago, weeks, but it feels like years) my laptop died in my very arms. I cuddled it, stroked its keys, tried in vain to rouse it with my vain please of “ALT-F10! ALT-F10! You can’t die on me. I won’t let yoooouuuu!” Sadly, in the words of Little Britain’s Carol, “Computer says no.”

No, indeed.

At first I worried about my ability to write for MRFH. I could hardly fathom the thought of not having lappy right beside me, smiling back at me as I busily typed my sarcasm-laden critiques. Eventually I faced the hard truth: I would have to handwrite, then find a place to later type, my reviews. Use a pencil? And, and paper? Madness!. That madness carried me through my Chinatown review and I could have considered my Noir Week duty done. Alas, I can’t let my Noir Week contribution rest with a movie that I didn’t even really care for. It just isn’t fair to a genre I love so much.

So here I sit at the library, the smell of high-schoolers all around me (they smell like sandalwood, fruit, and Axe deodorant if you must know), intensely aware of my 60-minute time limit. 

Thusly, without further adue, here be my thoughts on Double Indemnity, on of the most notorious examples of film-noir.

As Kyle so rightly pointed out, there is an inherent silliness in noir film. I don’t contribute that quite so much to the genre as I do the decade. Noir is full of melodrama. Fist-biting, scenery-chewing, “John! Maaarrrsshaaa!” melodrama. So is nearly everything else put out from the late thirties to mid-fifties. I do pretty well holding back the laughter until the leading lady, swept into an embrace, throws back her head, exposing her neck (made of pudding, apparently) in what looks more like an invitation to Nosferatu than the desire to be kissed. Also remember, anytime you’re having a passionate discussion involving how things will never work between you, be sure you’re both looking over your left shoulder at all times. Never face each other. That would just be weird.

I loved Double Indemnity. It’s everything you could want in your noir film: Narration, an easily duped and cunning man (Walter), the best friend who’s just a little too close to figure out what’s really going on (there was no private eye in this movie but Keys was sharp enough that he might as well have been one), a grouchy, loveless husband/victim du jour, and a femme fatale so marvelous that one can hardly read anything about the character type without seeing the name “Phyllis Dietrichson”.

I got here what I was missing in Chinatown: A real chemistry between our doomed couple, a great sense of romance. Not that “Oh I love you darling, the way your eyes pierce the darkness, the way the Brill-O-Creme catches the light…” but this smoldering, dangerous kind of attraction that soon carries things out of control until they’re just stuck with each other for the rest of the ride. Even better than Phyllis and Walter’s relationship is the dynamic between Walter and his best friend, Keyes. The most suspenseful scenes, and the most touching, are the ones with just those two guys on screen.

The dialogue is corny at parts, but that’s to be expected with any film from the our fledgling era of filmmaking. Those corny parts didn’t dominate this script. Instead we get some great witty banter and a cutting observations by our characters.

I’ll be honest with you, as much as I like the film-noir/mystery genre, I get frustrated with the extent that some of these movies/novels go with their twisted, intricate plots. Some try so hard that it can be too much to enjoy. Double Indemnity is a movie that’s basically easy to predict, especially if you get the noir forumla. Even so, it gave me some genuine moments where I grinned and said  ”Wow, that was good!”

Double Indemnity is my personal favorite of the genre for its refusal to be boring, too over the top, or sappy. If for nothing else, I love it for the end. They pulled off the noir heart-tugger just right.

Tum tee dum. Just buying groceries, tum tum. While we talk to ourselves. Seperately and not at all together.

 Didja Notice?:

• ALWAYS check the backseat of your car.
• We never do find out the name of Mr. Dietrichson.
• That’s one really bad wig.

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?:

No.

Intermission:

Silver dust was mixed with some subtle smoke effects to create the illusion of waning sunlight in Phyllis Dietrichson’s house. Boy, the forties was working hard to create inventive ways to kill people, wasn’t it?

Groovy Quotes:

Phyllis: I’m Mrs. Dietrichson. Is there anything I can do?
Walter Neff: The insurance ran out on the fifteenth. I’d hate to think of you getting a smashed fender or something while you’re not… fully covered.
Phyllis (with a little smile): Perhaps I know what you mean, Mr. Neff. I’ve just been taking a sun bath.

Walter Neff: The insurance ran out on the fifteenth. I’d hate to think of you getting a smashed fender or something while you’re not… fully covered.
Phyllis: (with a little smile) Perhaps I know what you mean, Mr. Neff. I’ve just been taking a sun bath.

Neff’s narration: It was mid-afternoon, and it’s funny; I can still remember the smell of honeysuckle all along that block. I felt like a million. There was no way in all this world I could have knownthat murder sometimes can smell like honeysuckle.

Keyes: How you doing, Walter?
Neff: I’m fine, only it seems somebody moved the elevator a couple of miles away.

Neff: And now I suppose I get the big speech, the one with all the two-dollar words in it. Let’s have it, Keyes.
Keyes: Walter, you’re all washed up.
Neff: Thanks, Keyes. It was short, anyway.

Walter to Phyllis: It’s just like the first time I came here, isn’t it? We were talking about automobile insurance, only you were thinking about murder. And I was thinking about that anklet.

Neff: Know why you couldn’t figure this one, Keyes? I’ll tell ya. ‘Cause the guy you were looking for was too close. Right across the desk from ya.
Keyes: Closer than that, Walter.
Neff: I love you, too.

Neff: Yes, I killed him. I killed him for money – and a woman – and I didn’t get the money and I didn’t get the woman. Pretty, isn’t it?
 
Phyllis: I think you’re rotten.
Walter Neff: I think you’re swell – so long as I’m not your husband.
Phyllis: Get out of here.
Walter Neff: You bet I’ll get out of here, baby. I’ll get out of here but quick.

Walter Neff: Who’d you think I was anyway? The guy that walks into a good looking dame’s front parlour and says, “Good afternoon, I sell accident insurance on husbands… you got one that’s been around too long? One you’d like to turn into a little hard cash?”

Soundtrack Review: It’s basically the same little piece over and over throught the entire film, except in a couple of more tense scenes.

DVD review: I wouldn’t know. I watched it on Netflix.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Sunset Blvd.
• M
• The Maltese Falcon

Suddenly, a knock invaded my privacy and jangled my nerves. I looked up, the weight of the world pressing down on my bloodshot eyeballs, and she walked in.

“I hear you help the helpless.” She spoke without moving a muscle, her words drifting into my ears with the help of a city gone hush, to bed.

I leaned forward. “The helpless usually don’t have enough scratch to cover a date with a bottle of Jack. Now, the hopeless… there we can do business.”

“Fair enough,” she said, crossing the room to sit in my only other chair, an antique from an old case that netted me a bullet wound in my shoulder and a curse in my heart. “I need you to tail my boss, Big City Carl. I think he’s been stealing from the nursing homes he manages, and I can’t stands it no longer. I want him to be hung out to dry–”

“–leaving you with clean laundry?” I mused. “Fine. I charge a Grant a day, plus expenses. And stop flicking cigarette ash everywhere, it’s bad for my cat.”

The next day I hopscotched over to the East River, not as hoity-toity as some parts of the city but certainly a step up from the dive that I scuttled to every night. There I found him, Big City Carl, in the process of shaking down a retired geezer for his lunch money.

“There’s a particularly nasty kindergarten I know where you’d fit in perfectly,” I drawled. Carl froze, face scrunched up with the effort of composing sentences out of rogue subjects, verbs and conjunctions.

“Beat it, ya palooka,” he barked, but his hands betrayed his gruffness — the old fella fell out of his grasp and stumbled away.

I drew Francine, the only girlfriend I’d ever had who didn’t kiss and tell. “Bank’s closed, pal.” I didn’t hesitate to let her kiss Carl on the first date either, not when he reached for the hand-cannon strapped underneath one sweaty armpit. He went down like a sack of extremely rotten tomatoes.

That was that. A day’s honest work, as long as your boss was the devil himself.

She saw me later, her eyes reaching into my soul but finding only the low-hanging clouds of loneliness. “Everything’s Jake,” I lied, collecting my fee. Pocketing it, I stumbled into the darkness and pulled it like covers over my head for the night.

“Forget it, Jake, it’s Chinatown”

The Scoop: 1974 R, directed by Roman Polanski and starring Jack Nicholson and Faye Dunaway

Tagline: No tagline

Summary Capsule: More twists than that party game with all the colored dots

Heather’s Rating: Further proof that the vast majority of Oscar winners serve no purpose other than to get more use out of the STOP button on your remote.

Heather’s Review: I really don’t think I could be a private investigator. My number one worst job imaginable is a police officer or a doctor who has to break the bad news that a family member has died. Slightly less traumatic would be private investigator, a job where one has to sneak around like a criminal and invade someone’s privacy who at best is innocent and at worst is baking their cakes in someone else’s oven. The thought of having to break the news to some heart-broken man or woman that their deepestr trust has been shattered makes my skin crawl. I don’t like seeing people hurt, and I’m not a voyeur, so really there’s nothing in it for me. But where would our noir films be without this mainstay of the genre?

Our movie opens with private eye J.J. Gittes (Nicholson), fresh from breaking bad news to one client, walking straight into a plea from a beautiful woman to spy on her spouse, whom she suspects is cheating. This is not just any jilted wife, though. This is Evelyn Mulray, wife of the city’s rich water and power engineer, Hollis Mulray.  At first Gittes tries to talk Mrs. M out of having him spy on her husband (Why? That’s how he makes his money!) but she’s having none of that and assures him she will pay him well.

A couple of days later Gittes gets a visit from another woman who turns out to be the real Mrs. Mulray (Dunaway) and demands that Gittes stop spying on her husband or she will sue. Gittes decides to talk to Mr. Mulray in order to figure out what’s going on, but that turns out to be a problem, as he turns up with a nasy case of “drowned”. Deceit, incest, and chases through orange groves ensue. Gittes is determined to pursue this mystery as curiousity gets the best of him and about half of his nose.

I’ve never watched any newer films done in the noir style, and the only reason I decided  to review this movie instead of my original choice, The Maltese Falcon, is because I like Jack Nicholson. Mostly I like listening to his voice (and watching his insane eyebrow contortions, which are rivaled only by Jack Black and various Muppets).  I’m a sucker for a unique voice, a la Sean Connery, and I’ll sit through nearly any movie if it has a mellifluous orator. I’m sure you’re all dying to know my top talkers so here they are (in no certain order): James Earl Jones, Jack Nicholson, Sean Connery, ANY male with an Australian or British accent, and Hugo Weaving’s fantastic “V” voice.

Mmmm… V…

Huh? What? Oh, sorry. So anyway had it not been for Nicholson I probably wouldn’t have given Chinatown a second glance, as I like my noir films like Ashton Kutcher likes his women. I took the plunge and I have to admit I’m disappointed.

We watch noir for its manly men and voluptuous femme fatals, the mystery that keeps us guessing, the funny-looking old cars and intriguing characters with cigarettes surgically attached to their mouths. The cars and the smoking were there, but the feel that I love about noir films just wasn’t there.

The pacing in this film was painfully slow, to the point that I found myself clipping my cats’ claws and cleaning their litter boxes in the middle of the movie. Now one would think that with a pace that slow the plot would be easy to keep up with. Yet, like any murder mystery, there are layers of twists and little clues that make it crucial for the viewer to keep ze eyes glued to ze screen. You can guess how well I was able to keep up with that kind of plot in a movie that I found less entertaining than scooping up cat droppings. Note, movie: If you’re going for suspense and action, do NOT have your plot revolve around some scheme involving the city’s water supply and real estate.

Also I have no idea what was going on with the sound in this film, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard such misplaced effects. Just off the top of my head, I remember a scene where Gettis and Mulray are in bed, all post-coitus, and loud footsteps can distinctly be heard. At first I thought it was intentional, and that they were about to be attacked by someone. Nope. Just random, heavy, offscreen footsteps. Even worse than that was a scene were Gettis and Mulray are in a car together, windows rolled up, and when she shouts it echoes like she was standing in a hangar bay or something. Really? How could you miss something like that during editing?

What really turns the movie into such a mess is the feeling that things were just tossed in here and there. Pointless twists, extra characters, and settings were thrown in and then forgotten to the point that my friend and I were constantly saying “What? Well, who was that guy? What was the point of that? Who’s friggin’ house are we at NOW?” And for that matter, I still don’t get why this movie is called “Chinatown”! There were half-hearted hints at Gittes’s previous life working for the DA there, but that’s no foundation for the title of a movie.

To add to the confusion we have a sex scene seemingly sparked by Gettis’s butchered nose and Mrs. Mulray’s black speck in her iris. I don’t know about you, but nothing gets me hotter than lacerated flesh and eye imperfections. On that note there’s no chemistry at all between the two main characters, much less anyone else in the cast. I cared about no one in this film. The only feeling I had for any of the characters was empathy, because they all seemed as bored by the this movie as I was.

Doh my dose is dot ruddig, you jerk!

Didja Notice?:

• Eye flaws are sexy!
• Exciting orange grove chase action! Gruesome crutch beatings!
• Roman Polanski’s cameo.
• Alright, so Roman “Man with Knife” Polanski threatens to cut Gettis’s nose off and feed it to his goldfish. Since when are goldfish carnivores? Also, a goldfish? Really? I mean an angry kitten would be more threatening than a goldfish.

Intermission:

This was Roman Polanski’s last American film before statutorily raping a 13-year old girl and fleeing to France for safe exile rather than be sent to prison. SPOILER: That adds a whole ‘nother level of creepy to the rape/incest thing in the plot. Brrr…I need a shower now.

Groovy Quotes:

Jack Gittes: But, Mrs. Mulwray, I g—-n near lost my nose. I like it. I like breathing through it. And I still think you’re hiding something.

Lt. Escobar: [pointing to a graffito on the wall] Isn’t that your phone number? 
Jack Gettis: Is it? I forget. I don’t call myself that often.

Yelburton: My goodness, what happened to your nose? 
Gittes: I cut myself shaving. 
Yelburtong: You ought to be more careful. That must really smart.
Gittes: Only when I breathe.

Gittes: There’s no point in getting tough with me. I’m just… 
Evelyn Mulray: I don’t get tough with anyone, Mr. Gittes. My lawyer does.

Soundtrack:

Noir-esque, but nothing special. Although I did like when Nicholson was humming “The Way You Look Tonight”

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Casablanca
• The Maltese Falcon
• M

This station was full of funny, thought-provoking, kid-empowering programs when pretty much every other show involved rainbow ponies, bears that shot rainbows from their chest, and even a character with the word “rainbow” in her name. Nickelodeon’s lineup pushed the boundries of kids’ imaginations and just how much sexual innuendo one can fit into children’s programming. None pushed that sexual innuendo barrier better than Rocko’s Modern Life.

Debuting in 1993 and running for four seasons, Rocko’s Modern Life was completely off the wall, off-kilter, off color…you name it this show was off of it. Rocko’s Modern Life was just tame enough, and normal-appearing that it could fool my parents into peeping their heads in and then going along their merry way, satisfied that I wasn’t being “corrupted”. Ah, but they were very, very wrong.

Rocko’s modern life is, from beggining to end, one insane adventure after another, with our main cast of characters being tormented for our viewing pleasure. Some of my favorites are the one where Rocko and Heffer rent a vacuum bent on their destruction, the one where Heffer joins a schnitzel cult, and the one where the Chameleon Brothers put Rocko’s home movies together into an indie film, culminating in Heffer’s prank shots of Rocko headed to the kitchen for a midnight snack in his tighty whities.

I consider myself pretty open-minded, but I watch clips on youtube today and wonder how on earth the crew got by with the stuff they stuck in there. As evidence, in our ever-more PC world Rocko’s Modern Life, when shown on TV, is heavily edited. It’s really upsetting because as a kid I didn’t understand the more adult jokes, but still found the show awesome.

The Characters:

Rocko: An Wallaby who immigrated from Australia. He has a serious crush on the never-glimpsed Melba and spends his days saving his dog from being packaged as deli meat, battling an evil vacuum cleaner “stuck on suck”, and warding off his neighbor Bev’s obvious seduction attempts.

Heffer: He’s a… portly yellow steer raised by a family of loving wolves (one of whom repeatedly fantasizes about eating Rocko, who he insists is a beaver). Somehow he doesn’t realize, until his older brother glibly informs him, that he was adopted. He frequently has completely ridiculous ideas (and a serious eating disorder) that get him and his friends in trouble. His gluttony kills him and sends him to “Heck” in one episode, where he meets the Dark Overlord “Peaches” who presides over an eternal torment of televisions without remotes.

Fliburt: The turtle who taught me the meaning of “hypochondriac”. A complete dork and generally unwilling accomplise to Heifer’s wild schemes (of which there are plenty). At one point he’s even talked into pretending to be Rocko’s “wife” so that he doesn’t get deported (one of the best episodes).

Bev and Ed Bighead: A couple of wild and crazy frogs. Ed Bighead is a career man at the town’s largest industry, Conglom-O. He has a terrible temper and weakness for flies. Bev is a stay-at-home wife with more than one trick up her sleeve to try and seduce her nextdoor neighbor Rocko, though she and Ed seem to have quite an exciting sex life. On more than one occasion we catch them in the midst of very odd kink (Ed tossing and smashing plates with his tongue like they were clay pigeons, Ed rolling around in a ginormous hamster ball chasing Bev around the house…

And those are just the main characters. Every single character in this show is totally off the wall, dysfunctional, just plain nuts…pick your description.

Right now it’s only available as a two-volume “Best of” set. I’m not even sure it’s being re-run on Nickeloden anymore. There are some websites, though, where you can find full episodes. I cannot reccomend enough that you spend just a half hour of your time giving this show a try. I haven’t seen an episode in years and I still use quotes from it in my day-to-day life. Heck, if I could just find Rocko’s blue shirt with the triangles I would totally be rocking that out.

Groovy Quotes:

Heffer: Hey Rock! Do that goofy face you do when you’re buying eggs!

Eagle: A wallaby in a boat waving a fish… That’s odd – yet strangely appetizing!

[Rocko, Heffer and Filburt are about to be hit with bowling balls by the Schnitzel Cult]
Rocko: You can’t chuck bowling balls at us!
Schnitzel Cult Leader: Yes, we can. Says so in the Great Book of Bratwurst. [reads] “And if there is one among you who does not follow the ways of the Schnitzel, let that one go, and do not throw bowling balls at them.”
Rocko: You see? It says let us go.
Schnitzel Cult Leader: It’s a matter of interpretation.

Peaches: I am the Dark Underlord, the Prince of Doom, the King of Eternal Torment! I am Pain! I am Evil! They call me… Peaches!
Heffer: Can you pass the remote?
Peachers: You poor fool. Still don’t realize where you are? There is no remote!
Heffer: Aaaaugh!

Rocko:I’m not a dog, I’m a wallaby!
Dog Catcher: A wallaby?
Rocko: Yeah. It’s like a kangaroo, only smaller.
Dog Catcher: You made that up!

Rocko: Grocery day is a very dangerous day, but at least we got food.

Rocko: [trying to turn the Suck-o-Matic off] I must cease this senseless sucking! [keeps pulling and pushing the switch and nothing happens] It’s stuck in suck!

Grandpa Wolfe: I say we eat the beaver!

Filburt: [About the hard work that goes into reading comic books] You turn the page, wash your hands. Turn the page, wash your hands. Turn the page, wash your hands…

Heffer: [after finding Rocko in the dumpster, his nail-biting problem out of control] All this toe-chewing is making me hungry. Let’s go get some chili!

Rocko: Heff, everybody’s bonkers for me bum!
Heffer: I know. You’ve got the most famous fanny in O-Town!

Rocko, Filburt: [After being interrupted during a fight and opening the door and finding out it's Rocko's deportation officer] WHAT IN THE HELLL… LO?

Ed Bighead: Rocko, what’re you doing?
Rocko: [With a paddle in his hand] We’re playing spank the monkey.

Crappy Jack: Arr, and then, I heard a scream so loud it could be heard down in Davy Jones’ locker. Mickey Dolenz’s locker too, and Peter Tork’s locker. All the Monkees had lockers…

Filburt: [behind the counter at the mall food court] Stuff On A Stick: Stick your face in our stuff.

[Ed Bighead walks into his home. Rocko has no shirt on. Bev is handing him a bit of cash. She sees him, and plants a *large* smooch on him. Rocko steps back]
Rocko: Uh, er… Mr. Bighead! It’s not what you think! I was just [points] … um, and she… [Rocko begins falling apart, like a Jenga game]
Ed Bighead: [angry] You saw my wife in her bath robe? [disturbed] Isn’t it awful?

The Scoop: 1971 R, directed by George Lucas and starring Robert Duvall, Donald Pleasance, Don Pedro Colley, Maggie McOmie

Tagline: Visit the future where love is the ultimate crime.

Summary Capsule: George Lucas’s horrifying vision of a future where love and sex are forbidden, people are expendable and there’s nothing on TV but reality programming.

Heather’s Rating: Making the transition from food to pills won’t be all that difficult for many people these days.

Heather’s Review: Ah, THX 1138: The movie whose title can be said dripping with nerdy awe or with total uninitiated confusion and still come out sounding like something one might order at NAPA.

Jokes about auto parts franchises aside, THX 1138 is a film that geek society will allow no rabid George Lucas fan to be ignorant of. Lucas’s student short film project titled “Electronic Labyrinth THX 1138 4EB” (proving to us all that one can make a title more laborious than THX 1138) garnered the man enough attention to get American Grafitti made, the success of which allowed him to make some of the most iconic films of all time. So basically, this film based on a student film project is responsible for Star Wars and Indiana Jones. In a way it’s also responsible for Episodes 1-3. You take your good with your bad.

I’m not trying to say that this film holds no merits beyond being the launching pad for some of the world’s most well-loved movies. Perish the thought! THX 1138 is an animal all its own. Lucas’s more well-known films are great adventures of fantasy and imagination that lift the spirits of young and old. THX 1138 is dark and dreary, disturbing and at times offensive. It has no whimsy and fantastical elements (although I swear I saw an Ewok in there. Darn you, Lucas!). Instead, be prepared for Lucas’s dark side. (HA!)

It’s your standard dystopian idea, really. Our protagonist, THX 1138, lives in a oppressed world where emotions are illegal, sedative use and the state sanctioned religion are mandatory, and all is aglow in sterilized white limbo splendor. His roomate LUH decides to break them both free by switching out their medicines. Much odd, clumsy bald-people sex ensues. The two are found out and seperated. THX must find out what has happened to his beloved LUH and, with the help of an eccentric hacker and a rogue hologram embarks on a mission to be free or die trying.

What is it that makes a dystopian future so fascinating to us? Is it because we fear a future so different from what we know? Do we see it as a warning for us to change our ways before it’s too late? Is it because so many people can relate, feeling trapped, lonely and held back in their own lives by the government or the people closest to them? For whatever reason mankind has always envisioned a terrifying future for itself and seems to enjoy it. Myself included.

I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel about this movie, it being made in ‘69. I’m not saying that nothing good came to theaters in that time period, but a lot of it was grainy, sluggish and devoid of soundtrack of any kind. I want to make it clear that I do not appreciate my movie being a vehicle for whatever talentless pop crooner is big that year, but too much silence between dialogue and action and you end up with something that feels like one awkward moment. Like Napoleon Dynamite, but worse.

Now that I’ve sucker-punched the sacred cow of cult movies I’ll attempt to rectify my credibility before I’m attacked by the pitchfork-wielding hordes and their leather-clad behemoths. THX 1138 is a very good movie. It’s not what we’re used to with today’s attempts on the same genre. It lacks a lot of action, there is no rebellion against the overlords fueled with sweet semi-automatic arsenal, no rallying of the troops with an inspirational speech. There is a definite lack of PVC. If you can’t see your future-gone-awry movie without these elements then you will be sorely disappointed. As for me I enjoyed the subtlety in this film. Simple, yet chilling announcements made over the speakers, disorienting sets and background images made this one unsettling future. I didn’t miss today’s blockbuster flashiness of the scenery and dialogue that smacks the audience over the head with “We’re trying to be epic! And meaningful! Social commentary!! Syyyymbolismmmm!!!”

If anybody makes even ONE Styx joke you'd better pray to OMM that I don't hear it!

Instead we are left with scenes like the confessional box where THX goes to talk to the image of the state sanctioned deity. He’s lost control of his emotions and breaks down, sobbing and begging for interaction and conversation. All he gets in return is a flat voice recorded on a loop, repeating the same empty phrases over and over. It’s been a long time since anything in this genre moved me like that. If you’re a fan of dystopia then I suggest that you check this one out. It’s refreshing in its constant creepiness and ability to pull you in rather than waiting for the next big robot explosion.

Now if you’ll excuse me I hear the pounding of a mace on my door amidst rhythmic chanting and shouting. That would be my cue to take my underground exit to the beach where I will escape on my man-made raft.

Didja Notice:

• Those police robots were so friendly and polite I almost wanted to like them. Creepy.
• Shell Dweller=proto-Ewok? Anyone?
• Okay, when did he learn to drive?
• Monks are really easy to push down.

Intermission:

A cropped version of Hans Memling’s Christ Giving His Blessing (1478) is used as the visual representation of the state-sanctioned deity OMM 0910

Some of SEN’s dialogue was taken from Richard Nixon’s speeches.



This is exactly how I feel whenever I work with our new Wordpress blog.

In the same manner of the epic Han Shot First debacle, Lucas messed with THX 1138 as well. I’ve heard that there is no DVD release of the original as of yet. I can see wanting to clean up the special effects, but what is it about the man that makes him compulsively change important elements in his films?

Groovy Quotes:

Male announcer: That accident over in Red Sector L destroyed another 63 personnel, giving them a total of 242 lost to our 195. Keep up the good work and prevent accidents.

SEN 5241: You rate very high in sanitation. I checked.

OHM 0910: Buy more. Buy more now. Buy, and be happy.

Male voice (jet car radio chatter): Hey, I think I ran over some – I think I ran over a wookie back there on the expressway…

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• The Omega Man
• Equillibrium
• Metropolis (Fritz Lang)

The Scoop: 1998 PG13, directed by Barry Levinson and starring Dustin Hoffman, Sharon Stone, Samuel L. Jackson and Liev Schreiber

Tagline: “A thousand feet beneath the sea, the blackest holes are in the mind.”

Summary Capsule: The Navy gathers a group of “professional people” to scout out a large ship resting 1000 feet underwater. Shenanigans and goings on ensue.

Heather’s Rating: “Based on the novel by Michael Crichton”? How about: “Gave a passing glance to the novel by Michael Crichton, flipped it the bird and then cursed its unborn children”?

Heather’s Review: The review that follows is going to be nothing less than one huge tirade CONTATINING A MULTITUDE OF SPOILERS. If you have your heart set on watching Sphere then, as much as I hate to chase off what few readers I probably have, you may not want to go any farther. Keeping that in mind, if you have your heart set on watching Sphere then I have something important to tell you: No.

NO!

NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Are we clear on that? Good. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Michael Crichton and Stephen King. They’re two of my favorite authors. They are also two of the most shameless sell-outs in the history of writing. If the world of literature were a red light district King and Crichton would be awarded Most Valuable Employee.

I don’t know if the trend will continue now that the man’s gone, but it seemed like practically every one of Crichton’s books were getting turned into movies. That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that Hollywood has a love affair with big-budget sci-fi films and Cricton’s sci-fi stuff can get downright silly. To any fanboy that wants to argue with me I have one word for you: Timeline. I prefer his more realistic novels, like Airframe, Rising Sun, State of Fear, and The Great Train Robbery.

As for The Sphere, I found it okay but not especially noteworthy, unlike the notorious film it inspired. Now I had heard the lamentations and gnashing of teeth from all who were subjected to Sphere, but like Pandora I just can’t leave well enough alone. I had barely made it half an hour into the movie before I started get really aggravated over the blatant cut-and-paste-ing that Kurt Wimmer, who wrote the adaptation, did with Crichton’s story. Things that didn’t happen until the end of the book happened at the beginning of the movie, and things that happened at the beginning happened at the end, and things in the middle of the story were tossed here and there, sprinkled throughout the plot like some diabolical spice in a Hollywood recipe for FAIL.

It’s no surprise that the resulting film made absolutely no sense. I would have been laughing out loud at the screen if I wasn’t so angry at all the stupid changes they made from the book. Seriously, my blood pressure rose a little. I’m glad my husband wasn’t home to see me. My facade of sanity is fragile enough without him witnessing me yelling at the screen, punctuating my moans of anguish with the occasional “WHAT?! WHAT ARE THEY…?! WHAT is going ON?!!!” (you can tell I was really angry by all those punctuation marks).

The adaptation was terrible, the acting was awful, and the dialogue was horrendous. The whole fiasco felt like the director just threw the script up in the air, crying “WHEEEEE!”, and made little bubbly noises with his lips while everyone else involved tried to carry on and fill in the missing bits.

That's right, Sam. Show no emotion. Nothing gets through. Great!

Wimmer’s adaptation is the epitome of what goes wrong when Hollywood sees a potential cash cow in someone else’s work. If I could get in touch with Kurt Wimmer, I would give him this list to illustrate how much he failed:

1. Norman goes into the sphere at the beginning of the movie? You can’t do that. That is extremely important and isn’t supposed to happen until the very end! Also, why did you change the way they go into the sphere?! What was wrong with them opening up the door? The way they got it to open was supposed to be a mystery throughout the entire story, and then a big revelation at the end of the book. You turned it into a supremely goofy-looking special effect. Dork.

2. And that brings me to the end that was supposed to happen: After escaping from Beth and Harry, who had been driven mad and nearly killed him, Norman ends up going back to the ship to save their lives. What ensued was a thrilling race against time. Instead, you made up that moronic, neverending “We’re back in the spaceship no wait we’re not it’s in our minds let’s concentrate!” scene. What damaged part of your psyche did you get that idea from? Your head is a horrible, horrible place, Kurt.

Seriously, does this make me look fat?

3. I don’t think you could have made Beth less subtle if you’d made her wear a sandwich board saying “I’m crazy!” You completely destroyed her character, turning her into a nutsy Snidely Wiplash-esque villain that just all of a sudden decides Norman’s to blame for everything. I don’t even know where to begin with what you did to Harold’s character. You doofus.

4. Where in the world did you get that insane idea about Harold having hundreds of half-blank copies of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea?. If you had left in the original giant squid conversation the team has early on we wouldn’t have had to deal with that mess. That, sir, was one of the most idiotic scenes I have ever witnessed.

5. So you had Dustin Hoffman roll around on the floor like a madman, screeching and flailing his arms about to get the sea snakes off of him? First off the sea snakes didn’t just randomly appear. Secondly when Norman woke up he laid stone still until Beth figured out that it was daytime and she could just pull the nocturnal snakes right off of him. But congratulations on utilizing Sharon Stone’s creepiness factor by totally making up the whole part where she just looms over him instead, all evil-like, while he freaks out. Moron.

It was then the team realized their grave mistake when they suggested a friendly game of"marbles" with the spaceship crew.

6. Well since you ruined the rest of the story then I shouldn’t be surprised that you would have completely took out the real revelation about the ship’s crew, and that you made up a lame past romantic interest between Norman and Beth.

7. Lastly, this is not a Friday the 13th movie. There was no reason for killing off people and hiding them in random places!

The Sphere was a dark, claustrophobic mystery about a crew trapped with a powerful force underwater. It isn’t about spaceships and things that go “bump” underwater. It’s a story about what might happen if mankind were given the power to make whatever they dreamed come true, for better or for worse. The real (non-stupid) ending is suspenseful, touching, and meaningful. Instead of a movie that tries to recreate this we’re given a piece of rubbish that has little to do with the source material apart from the title.

Didja Notice:

• Everything Sharon Stone says sounds exactly the same.
• The ridiculous look on Samuel L. Jackson’s face when he says “I hate squid”.
• Sometimes the sphere is reflected on the floor, sometimes it isn’t.

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits:

I wouldn’t know, as I stopped watching it sometime during the last scene, went to do something more interesting like wipe dirt off my countertop, and then noticed the movie was over when I walked back through the living room.

Soundtrack:

A boring score picked out of the How to Make Your Movie Sound Both Spooky and Important bargain bin.

Intermission:

As icing on top of this multiple-tiered cake of Colossal Fail (served with a generous portion of Overinflated Ego ice cream on the side): The ending had to be reshot because test audiences found it unbelievable that the crew wouldn’t need to spend time in decompression. Wow. It was 1998 and this movie had to rely on test audiences to point out a basic fact of undersea exploration. Not to mention that the necessity of decompression was mentioned throughout the entire book. You know, the one this movie is supposed to be based on.

Joseph Hahn, the DJ from Linkin Park, did the special effects for the sea snakes in this movie. Apparently he also did SF for X-Files (TV) and Dune.

Groovy Quotes:

Barnes: If this translation is right this alien sounds like an idiot.
Beth: That’s something to consider – a stupid alien. Well, they must have them.

Norman: I would be happy if Jerry had no emotions whatsoever. Because the thing of it is once you go down that road… here’s Jerry, an emotional being cooped up for 300 years with no one to talk to… none of the socialization, the emotional growth that comes from contact with other emotional beings…
Harry: So…?
Norman: What happens if Jerry gets mad?

Harry: So that’s what the little green men are saying now? “Take me to your therapist”?

Harry (after Norman asks why Harry thinks they’re all going to die): You see? It’s curious. Ted did figure it out – time travel. And when we get back, we gonna tell everyone. How it’s possible, how it’s done, what the dangers are. But then why fifty years in the future when the spacecraft encounters a black hole does the computer call it an ‘unknown entry event’? Why don’t they know? If they don’t know, that means we never told anyone. And if we never told anyone it means we never made it back. Hence we die down here. Just as a matter of deductive logic.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• The Abyss
• Deep Rising
• Jurassic Park

Want a second opinion? Check out Justin’s review of Sphere here!

Tagline: CLINT EASTWOOD…the deadliest man alive…takes on a whole army with two guns and a fistful of dynamite!

The Scoop: 1970 PG, directed by Don Siegel and starring Clint Eastwood and Shirley MacLaine

Summary: A money-minded gunslinger and a sexy nun team up with Mexico for a showdown against the French, and afterward everyone will eat Freedom Fajitas.

Heather’s Rating: This weekend I’m going to Tijuana to look for one of those exploding piñatas.

Heather’s Review: I’m lucky that my sisters aren’t as mean spirited as I am when picking out movies for someone else to review (ask Drew or Kaleb for more clarification on that). Two Mules For Sister Sara is the second movie I’ve reviewed at my sisters’ request and I enjoyed it just as much as the first. Here’s the skinny for those of you who aren’t savvy to what’s going on:

In order to introduce my sisters, who are not cult fans, to our site and pique their interests I suggested that they each pick any film they would have me review and, regardless of what it was, I would review it. First was My Big Fat Greek Wedding, second was this Clint Eastwood vehicle. I’m happy to report that I came out of the experience unharmed. I was dragged out of my cult cavern into the blinding light of “regular” movies and I didn’t burst into flames, my eyesight stayed intact, and I haven’t been forever scarred. In fact, both were very good movies that I otherwise might not have seen.

Our protagonist in TMFSS is Hogan (Clint Eastwood), a loner who is traveling through the desert on his horse with no name. He comes across a woman, nearly naked and being threatened by a group of men. He neatly offs all three of the men and swaggers over to his damsel in distress, who is wearing naught but a black cloth around her, probably expecting a little “reward”. His swagger is brought to a standstill when he finds out she’s “Sister” Sara. Noticeably frustrated, he wants to know what a nun is doing out there. Sara reveals that she is running from the French, who are after her for helping the Mexican rebellion raise money. She was sneaking her way back to Chihuahua to assist the revolutionaries when the men…er…sidetracked her. Hogan is headed to the same place she is to help with the same cause, albeit for less noble reasons. The only money he cares about raising is for himself. They team up, Sara for protection and Hogan for inside information Sara can give him to help with his mission. This movie follows our unlikely duo as they alternately snipe at each other and save each others’ lives, culminating in a battle against the French garrison and a little surprise about Sister Sara.

There was no lack of action here, what with Eastwood either shooting or exploding something every few minutes. That reminds me…this marks my first ever Clint Eastwood movie, and I have to say “Cripes, but Clint Eastwood was young!”. I can see how he became so iconic. He’s a great actor, and he just defines manly and powerful. Same goes for his character, Hogan. The guy decapitated a rattlesnake, managed to blow up a train while falling down drunk, and had a burning arrow pulled through his chest. I thought I was gonna have to pull out my Swiffer to mop up all the machismo oozing out of the screen.

Trust me, you want to watch this if you’re in the mood for a good, lighthearted movie. And hey, if life’s been treating you good lately then I suggest it as a decent date rental as well. It’s the kind of movie you can really get into, whether or not westerns are your thing. The pace never bogs down, it has a great humorous tone, and both Eastwood and MacLaine give performances that really make you interested and believe in their characters. It’s fun to watch them banter back and forth, not wanting to admit how much they really do need one another. They have a very equal relationship in that way, with each of them possessing strengths the other one could use, and going back and forth saving each others’ lives.

I have but two complaints. One is that horrible soundtrack. It’s some goofy western-ish track with donkey sound effects and brief bits of women singing in Latin. It’s a disjointed mess. Blech. The other gripe is about the fake blood. You see, the thing about shooting an action movie in color is the stuff has to look somewhat realistic. More than once I found myself marveling over just how much that “blood” looked like tempura paint. It’s hard to feel for a supposedly wounded character who looks more like the victim of a daycare finger-paint fight than an arrow through the chest.

If you have been so far unconvinced to watch this film then I ask you: How can you not like a movie that gives you a nun punching a cowboy in the face?

The Church will make allowances for this

• The donkey sound effects punctuating the soundtrack. Hokey, Hollywood. Ho-key.

• If there’s a situation, Clint’s going to find an excuse to use gunpowder in it.
• What were those things that fell out of the train? They looked like gold bars, yet nobody showed any interest in them.
• El Gato Negro. A decidedly unmanly name for a bar, don’t you think?

Intermission:

Elizabeth Taylor was originally supposed to play Sara, but the the salary she was asking for was too high. I’m sure I’m not the only one that thinks that would have been weird.

Shirley MacLaine openly fought with both the director and Clint Eastwood.

We'll blow you sky high, la la la! Whoops! I mean Happy Independance Day, France la la la!

Hogan: All the women I’ve ever known were natural-born liars but I never knew about nuns until now.

Colonel: You don’t know my men. They’re tough, courageous…each one of them a Mexican patriot.
Hogan: Idn’t that sweet? Well, I happen to be a Hogan patriot and I’d like to have some dynamite with me.
Colonel: That’s fine. You show me the tree it’s growing on and I’ll have my men pick it.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Paint Your Wagon
• The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
• Dirty Harry

The Scoop: 1969, G, starring Arnold “Strong” Schwarzenegger, Arnold Stang, Deborah Loomis, and Ernest Graves

Tagline: See him topple two ton newspaper rolls! See him toss tough men like toothpicks!

Summary Capsule: Almost 40 years ago a ginormous Austrian was unleashed upon filmgoing audiences. His name was Hercules. And he went to New York.

Heather’s Rating: I find it really weird that my spellchecker accepts “Schwarzenegger” as a real word now.

Heather’s Review: Allow me to nerd out for a second, because I think I can best sum up my feelings (or at least have the most fun) by using the space-bound hosts of MST3K for reference (non MSTIES bear with me…I’m not going too far off the beaten path. Just a paragraph, I swear).

Years ago the show’s original host, Joel, left the show. He was a great comedian and greatly missed. He was followed by another man named Mike, who was also great, but very different. Fans were outraged, wars were pitted between the Mike camps and the Joel camps during which arrows were slung and much grog was ingested (or whatever it is those Renaissance Faire-types drink). Mike’s style was acerbic, ruthless, scathing. He ripped movies to shreds and left them no dignity. This was hilarious. Joel, on the other hand, had a more laid-back approach much like a tolerant husband with his overbearing wife. He rolled his eyes at the movie, pointed out its flaws, and just sat back frustrated. This, and his use of prop humor, was also hilarious. Generally I see myself as a “Mike” when viewing a bad film. I revel in insulting it in on every level and getting downright nasty. It’s what I do. But this movie confused my inner critic and just can’t bring myself to drown it in a pool of acidic wit. My point is the movie made me feel like a “Joel”.

Now don’t get me wrong. There was nothing “good” about this movie. But it just exudes some sort of “I didn’t mean to hurt you” charm that makes it hard for me to destroy it. In the end all I can say is that if you enjoyed “so bad it’s good” movies then I think you’re gonna like this one.

The plot is so thin it would make (insert current overly thin celebrity) jealous. Hercules, son of Zeus, is bored with Mt. Olympus. He wants to go to Earth and does (against his father’s wishes). Hercules traipses around New York and gets to be a pretty big thing in the wrestling world. Oh, and he sorta kinda has a love interest. Meanwhile Zeus sits up on Mt. Olympus and bounces maniacally back and forth between being angry at his son and protective of him. His menopause-like mood changes are a weird quirk that never made much sense in the original mythology and don’t translate well to the screen.

While we’re on the subject of Zeus I would like to mention something that really bugged me. “Zeus” is the Greek name for the king of the gods. Throughout the movie Hercules is even referred to as being Greek. And yet every other god on Mt. Olympus is referred to by his/her Roman name (Juno, Venus, Mercury, Pluto..). Come on, movie! Decide! Are we using Greek or Roman mythology here? I realize that you made attempts to rectify this, movie, but they were bad attempts. Bad!

The sound in this film is awful. It’s slightly too loud when the camera is close up on the characters and barely audible when we see them in a long shot. The funniest sound goof of all is that whoever edited this film forgot/didn’t know how to edit out the car engines and honking during the Mt. Olympus scenes (which were obviously shot outdoors in New York). It made me laugh out loud to watch Zeus trying to make his orders heard over New Yorker road rage.

As for the acting? *face palm* Hercules’s little friend Pretzie comes from the School of Overacting Don Knotts Wannabes, which is a stark contrast to Hercules himself. I could spend a few pages on the Governator, but I’ll try to hold back. This was Beefules’s first film and boy, did it show. I don’t know the intricate details about Schwarzenegger’s past, but from what I can tell the man couldn’t speak a lick of English in 1969. I say that not only because of his accent, which was so thick that his voice was dubbed over in theater and VHS versions, but also because when he spoke he acted as if he had no idea what was coming out of his mouth. There was no intonation, no emotion, no pauses or accents. Just “blah blah mumble ooa amm bleh”. An Olsen twin on Valium emotes more. I like to think I have a good ear for accents and languages, but at one point I turned to my husband and asked “Did he just say he ‘cracked some nekkies’?”

There camerawork had its not-so-bad qualities. The movie was mostly shot pretty well. The camerawork wasn’t too jerky, the screen was generally in focus with nothing chopped off, and the color was vibrant. Not a common feat in 1969. There were even a couple of early scenes that I thought were artfully done. But this movie didn’t even have the courtesy to shoot nighttime scenes with blue filter. The movie just said “screw it” and did it all in the daylight, leaving the audience to guess what time of day was supposed to be. Annoyingly the chase scenes were sped up, Munsters-style. That’s not nearly as funny as people thought it was back then.

When you ask me, in light of all these flaws, what it is that makes this movie “charming” I’m going to mumble and try to distract you with something shiny. If you insist that I explain myself I must admit that I can’t, really. The whole movie was just one big excuse for Schwarzenegger to take his shirt off. It’s just that there were funny parts, and the movie somehow managed not too try too hard. There was a good balance in that the movie didn’t try to be overly humorous (like today’s “Movie” titled strain of crap) and neither was it gunning to be the next Hamlet.

I have no other place for this next bit in my review so it’s just going to be tacked onto the end here. Like a piece of gum stuck to my shoe that I can’t scrape off. It just won’t let go! There’s a scene where Hercules steals some actor’s chariot and takes it through New York on a car-chariot chase. The owner (an actor in what looks like caveman attire) goes running after him and the hot dog vendor he was patronizing chases after him to put the sauerkraut on his hot dog. The joke continued all the way to Central Park where the chase scene ended. The vendor finally catches up to his customer and puts the kraut on the his dog as the guy looks forlornly at his ruined chariot. Stupid, yes, but it made me laugh. Somehow this movie made me hate it and love it at the same time. I empathize, Joel, I empathize.

Here my 'plot' and 'dialogue'. Is all need for good movie.

• Why would a guy who just overturned a cab run away like a schoolgirl from the unarmed cab driver?

• At the beginning of the movie Hercules is rescued by what is supposed to be a Navy ship and crew. Hercules emerges from the ship in Navy utilities (a work uniform). My husband made a good point: How would the skinny crew have found a pair of utilities to fit that guy?
• Yes, everyone. Gaze on in complete shock as the man as large as a Clydesdale throws a disc a long way. Marvel as the dude with calves the size of Plymouth Rock jumps better than the skinny college dork.
• This is one of two movies I’ve seen that have mentioned Arnold Schwarzenegger holding public office. Here Juno mentions that Hercules could be made king among the mortals, and Nemesis corrects her by saying America has presidents. In Demolition Man Arnold Schwarzenegger was president.
• This movie grapples with Santa Claus Conquers the Martians for Worst. Bear costume. Ever. And, um…grizzly bears lumber around like gorillas?
• Hercules’s “love interest” is one of the most stuttery, bobbleheaded creatures I’ve ever seen.
• “Easy Rider” was playing at one of the theaters Hercules passed during the chariot chase.

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits:

Nocules.

Intermission!

Schwarzenegger took the role at the urging of his friend Reg Park, who had previously played Hercules in three films (Ercole alla conquista di Atlantide (1961), Ercole al centro della terra (1961) & Sfida dei giganti, La (1965)).

To help Arnold get the role, his agent said he had years of “stage” experience, implying theater, but Schwarzenegger had only appeared on bodybuilding stages.

Groovy Quotes:

Hercules: Haha. You have striked Hercules!

Pretzie No, his first name is Hercules. His last name is Zeus. It rhymes with “booze”.

Nemesis: How have you been, Pluto?
Pluto: Pretty nifty, except it’s been a hell of a day. New shipload.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Disney’s Hercules
• Hercules Against the Moon Men
• The Terminator

The Scoop: 2002 PG, directed by Joel Zwick and starring Nia Vardalos, John Corbett, Michael Constantine, and Lainie Kazan.

Tagline: Love is here to stay…so is her family.

Summary Capsule: A woman introduces the man of her dreams to her family. He survives all their best attempts to Greek him to death.

Heather’s Rating: It’s worth its weight in Windex.

Heather’s Review: My first DVD rental of 2009 was a movie I never imagined I would watch. Anyone who knows my movie tastes at all knows that I like romantic movies the way one might like a Novocain-free root canal. The serious ones are ALWAYS depressing, the whole genre systematically murdering off one or both of the main love interests and sending the audience into a deep depression unrivaled in their day to day lives (at least until their next trip to the gas station). The lighthearted ones are just as predictable as the former, but instead of slow, agonizing deaths the audience must endure slow, agonizing “misunderstandings” wrought from one of the characters holding something back about themselves that their lover later finds out. Some deus ex machina happens, and the whole thing ends in birds singing, puppies romping, and little heart shaped clouds forming above the couple as they merrily traipse along into the sunset, hand in hand, leaving a candy coated trail behind them

This is all why I had successfully avoided this movie like the plague since its release almost 7 years ago. But I made a deal with my sisters and I wasn’t going to back out. I recently got my sisters to check out our site. So far all I’ve done are cult movies, which isn’t their thing (I did point out we do plenty of “normal” movies here, too). So in an effort to involve them and get them more interested I said “Hey, why don’t you two choose the movies I review this month? Pick one each.” I cringed inside when one of the sisters yelled “My Big Fat Greek Wedding!”. A dark cloud settled over my head and I trudged to the movie store looking like a real-life Eeyore. In the aisle I picked up the DVD case the way one might handle a newspaper fresh with spider guts and on its way to the trash can after having disposed of yet another intruder mincing across the bathroom wall.

My horror increased as I saw Joey “N*Sync” Fatone’s Howdy Doody face staring at me from the cover. Once home I dropped the DVD into my player and dragged myself from the tv to the bed, shoulders slumped in defeat and wondering what I had gotten myself into.

And all I can say about that is “Thanks, sis.” This film took the Romantic Movie Template and dumped tzatziki all over it. I was interested, I laughed, and my thoughts were provoked. In short, I was entertained.

Toula Portokalos, our heroine, is a frumpy-looking, unhappy maiden of Greek descent. To paraphrase her words “Nice Greek girls marry Greek men, have Greek babies, and make Greek food.” Toula is at the ripe old age of thirty (practically an old maid to her family) and working in the family restaurant for her loving, but bossy and suffocating, kinfolk. Fed up with it all she goes off to college and finds a job she’s happy with. Then follows the Transformation Montage where she starts wearing makeup and fixes her hair and gets nice clothes, but if you pay attention you’ll see it’s not the same setup as in other romantic movies. This is a woman who starts to be happy with herself for the first time because she’s finally doing what she wants in life. She becomes happy inside and that in turn makes her care about what she looks like outside. At her new job she is noticed by a Fabio-esque, wonderful guy named Ian Miller. He doesn’t fit in with his family either and finds Toula so full of life and intriguing that he just has to meet her. In spite of the problems that they know they’ll run into with their families they become completely enamored with each other anyway. Then comes the time to meet the parents.

It’s awkward on both sides, but it’s real. This was not a huge dramatic point in the movie where the father threatens to disown Toula, or Ian’s White Suburban Parents acted like he was dating some heathen that would be an embarrassment to all of their friends at the country club. What ensued was a great story that made a lot of jabs and good points about what happens when a marriage brings two cultures together. What is really going to throw the romantic comedy poo-pooers for a loop is that this movie is just so real and honest. Nothings is melodramatic, Toula and Ian’s relationship isn’t the end of the world for their families, and there are many beautiful details about the family dynamic. Also none of that “misunderstanding” crap, and no one dies. It’s a just a good representation of two real, very different, families brought together when their kids get married.

Not being Greek myself (I know, hard to believe. You’d never know by looking at me) and having no immersion in Greek culture, I wasn’t sure while watching it just how believable the craziness of Toula’s family was. I found out through the commentary that most of that stuff was a play by play from the life of Nia Vardalos (the writer and star). The fact that someone wrote and starred in a romantic movie about their life is usually cause for me to make a crucifix with my fingers and back away, hissing. In this case, it made the movie so much more hilarious (her father really did use Windex as a cure-all) and Nia’s narration was wonderful (I think she should take up voice acting).

Everyone’s acting was great. Every relationship portrayed in this movie was done well. Joey Fatone’s presence was short and (surprisingly) sweet. So grab a baklava and be ready to be regaled with stories of Aunt Voula’s “twin”.

This is my Windex bottle. There are many like it but this one is mine.

• If a member of N*Sync tells you how to say “Let’s go into the house” in Greek, don’t listen to him! Just hit him. In fact if you see a N*Sync member just hit him anyway.

• I’ve only witnessed rivers and glorified bathtubs for baptizing, but kiddie pools work too.
• Vegetarians can eat lamb.
• Bloodthirsty Turks!
• Guys: In the makeout montage pay CLOSE attention (as if you weren’t, anyway). When making out with Toula, Ian is holding her head. Seriously, guys. That’s all we want. Caress our noggins. It’s a win every time.

Groovy Quotes:

Gus Portokalos: Give me a word, any word, and I show you that the root of that word is Greek.

[upon receiving a bundt cake from Mrs. Miller]
Maria Portokalos: It’s a cake! I know! Thank you! Thank you very, very much.
[whispering to Aunt Freida]
There’s a hole in this cake!

Gus: Put some Windex.

[Toula's father, Gus, during his wedding speech] You know, the root of the word Miller is a Greek word. Miller come from the Greek word “milo,” which is mean “apple,” so there you go. As many of you know, our name, Portokalos, is come from the Greek word “portokali,” which mean “orange.” So, okay? Here tonight, we have, ah, apple and orange. We all different, but in the end, we all fruit.

[When Ian ask Toula what her family does for Christmas] Toula: So, what happens is my dad and uncles, they fight over who gets to eat the lamb brain. And then my aunt Voula forks the eyeball and chases me around with it, try to get me to eat it, ’cause it’s gonna make me smart. So, you have two cousins, I have 27 first cousins. Just 27 first cousins alone! And my whole family is big and loud. And everybody is in each other’s lives and business. All the time! Like, you never just have a minute alone, just to think, ‘Cause we’re always together, just eating, eating, eating! The only other people we know are Greeks, ’cause Greeks marry Greeks to breed more Greeks, to be loud breeding Greek eaters.

Also check out PoolMan’s, Justin’s and Andie’s review of this film!

“But things look black, business is slack, there’s no one on the rack but meeeee!”

The Scoop: 1988 PG, Directed by Terry Gilliam and starring John Neville, Eric Idle, Sarah Polley, Oliver Reed, and Uma Thurman.

Tagline: Adventure, Comedy, Romance. He was full of it.

Summary: So it’s like that weird uncle of yours getting drunk again at Christmas and telling his usual weird stories, except they’re true and he’s dragging you along on his “adventures”. Only this is much cooler than that would be.

Heather’s Rating: I can’t be bothered. It’s Wednesday.

Heather’s Review: I can’t believe I’ve never seen this before. How many times has that been said in a review, I wonder? Regardless, I mean it one hundred percent. This movie is the best surprise I’ve had in a while.

A friend of my husband’s and mine came over Sunday to store some stuff at our house for a couple of months. Once everything was brought in he plopped down a huge case of DVDs and told me we could keep that at the house, too, knowing how much I love movies. I feel like I won the lottery. Our friend said something along the lines of “I have the Adventures of Baron Munchausen in there, too!” Without much enthusiasm I told him I’d heard of that before, but never seen it. He gasped and began furiously flipping through his DVD case to find it. “You have to see it!” He cried. “Mandatory!” Thus began my forced watching and unforced loving of this film.

As the first scene began I thought “Oh great. He has me watching some depressing period piece. I’m not in the mood for Les Miserables today.” Then we see a girl mark out “son” on one of the many town announcements and write in “daughter”. As her face turns toward the camera the music gets a hit of whimsy and she smiles. So then I thought “Well then this is like Amadeus. Goofy and enjoyable, but still going to be depressing overall. ” I was so wrong. This movie, in fact, was a monster unlike any I could have imagined.

The story begins with a play that pays tribute to the amazing adventures of Baron Munchausen. In the middle of it all a crotchety old man comes storming in (as crotchety old men are wont to do) . Waving his arms about and shouting that he is the real Baron he heads up onto the stage, upsetting everyone and eventually using his sword on a poor, defenseless stage nose. The curtain falls and eventually the geriatric adventurer comes out in full Baron regalia to tell the audience how it all really went down. I won’t go too far into detail. I don’t want to spoil this movie for you. You have to see this play out to fully appreciate it. But suffice it to say this is not your typical “someone interrupts the present to tell us about the past” movie. The past and the present and fantasy and fiction become so intertwined that I promise you you’ll be guessing throughout the movie. It’s like Monty Python and the Holy Grail and The Princess Bride had an illegitimate child nursed by The Labyrinth.

The camerawork in this film is amazing. It plays with your mind and emotions, causing you to think and feel something one second and then turning it all upside down the next. I was particularly impressed by the camera work that seamlessly brought the movie from the stage where Baron was telling his tale to the sultan’s palace in Constantinople. The scenery is gorgeous. Imaginative and beautiful. You’ll fall in love with fairy tales again.

Speaking of the Constantinople scene, I cannot ever laugh as hard as I did at seeing Baron’s face while the sultan played “The Torturer’s Apprentice” on an organ. Made of humans. Having knives and anvils attack them at every key he played. The camera just holds on his face and I can’t help but laugh out loud every time.

Speaking of John Neville, who plays Baron, he did a spot-on job a the Baron. The whole cast is fantastic, actually. You have John Neville, Eric Idle, Jonathon Pryce, Oliver Reed (who was also amazing), Uma Thurman…I could go on but you get my point. This was a very good cast. Uma Thurman alone is going to keep this movie alive on youtube. At least for the 60 or so seconds that she’s sans clothing. There! Got all the males to watch this. Half my job is done.

Save for the first time Sally destroys Death, the special effects are great. So impressive that I don’t have to follow that last sentence with “for the time”. Some other reviewers *cough*who use thumbs as ratings*cough* say the effects overshadow the film. They do not! In a fantasy the intention is to make what isn’t real seem real by way of the effects. Be it effects told in excruciating detail by a talented storyteller or effects created through a well talented movie effects team, the result is the same. Your imagination gets to be told/shown what’s going on while trying to fill in the rest.

I love the juxtaposition of fantasy and reality. Probably my favorite example is when Berthold is chasing down a speeding bullet and tries to grab it. Of course when he tries to grab it he yelps and lets go immediately, it being really darned hot as a speeding bullet would be. So we’re to believe a man can catch up with a bullet but not be able to hold it. It’s just the kind of thing that really surprises a person watching this movie. You never know what part of reality they’ll twist and what will stay the same.

For any cult fan this movie is an absolute have-to-see. If you’re like me then a lot of times the quotes can sell you on a movie. And this movie’s loaded chock-full of stuff to relentlessly spout out in any social occasion.

Read Clare’s review of this movie here!

I think I can I think I can I think I CAN!

Didja Notice:

• Vulcan arguing with his workers like a company vs. the union

• Why does old Adolphus sound like Daffy Duck with layrngitis(?)
• Sting as the heroic officer!
• Vulcan created the nuclear missile.

Groovy Quotes:

Sally confronting her father about the playbill: So why does it say Henry salt and son? I’m your daughter.
Henry: I knew I should never have taught you to read.

Baron to the three ladies: You so remind me of Catherine the Great, empress of all the Russias, whose hand in marriage I once had the honor to decline.



'SOFT! What LIGHT Through yonder window BREAKS?!'

Desmond: They all remind you?
Baron: Yes, why not!? Some bits here, some bits there.

Sultan: We begin with the arrival of the eunuch’s chorus, who sing ‘Cut Off In My Prime’

King of the Moon: No, let me go! I’ve got tides to regulate! Comets to direct! I don’t have time for flatulence and orgasms! I hate that face you make me make!

Baron to the sleepy guards: “Gentleman, don’t you think it would be a good idea to silence those enemy cannons?”
Sleepy Guard: No, sir.
Baron: No?
Sleepy Guard: It’s Wednesday.



I had this same look on my face when I saw Epic Movie

Baron: I didn’t fly miles. It was more like a mile and a half. And I didn’t precisely fly. I merely held on to a mortar shell in the first instance and then a canonball on the way back.

Baron: Reality, sir, is lies and balderdash! And I’m delighted to say that I have no grasp of it whatsoever!

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Monty Python and The Holy Grail
• The Princess Bride
• Labyrinth

The list of comic book movies this year,
Shows geeks will rule on high.
We’ll have a dose of Iron Man!
And pray Watchmen isn’t tripe!

Surely you bought your Spaced disc set.
And surely I bought mine!
MST3K boasts 20 great years
And the first ever Rifftrax Live!

We two have cried o’er celebrity deaths.
Cult figures cut down in their prime!
Baby Luck came with much cuteness
And Head Mutant’s spawn bides his time…

Jack Black restored my faith in him
Will Smith, well… you tried!
Sue proved two floods can’t keep her down
And she made cancer cry!

We got good Stephen King movies this year
But what was with that writer’s strike?
‘t would take a right good cup o’ draught
To make me watch Twilight!

The Scoop: 2005 R, directed by David Steiman and starring Bill Goldberg, Douglas Smith and Emilie de Ravin.

Tagline: He’s making a list… pray you’re not on it.

Summary Capsule: Santa unleashes a thousand years of pent up frustrations (and probably some Mommy Issues)

Heather’s Rating: 3 out of 4 Jewish actors having Christmas dinner together

Heather’s Review: So in a weird, by proxy sort of way Drew’s responsible for my finding this little Christmas gem. A few days ago Drew’s review of Session 9 showed up on MRFH. It is quite possibly one of my favorite movies and probably is my favorite creepy movie. Reading his review reminded me that I really needed to show Session 9 to hubby, who’s never seen it. My husband and I finally got around to the movie store last night so that we could rent it. For those of you who don’t know, the horror section is a dangerous place for me. I come staggering out of the aisle, arms full of 99 cent schlocky goodness.

When my eyes caught the title Santa’s Slay on the shelf my mind glazed over. Visions of Christmas carnage danced in my head. The Christmas slasher film is, for better or worse, a genre heretofore unexplored by yours truly. I don’t know if it was the vague resemblance to the movie being made in Ernest Saves Christmas, the seductive glow of the fluorescent lighting, or too much MSG at dinner, but this movie had me bristling with cult anticipation. When I saw that the movie starred none other than Bill WCW Goldberg the deal was sealed.

And on that note, after writing this review I’m going to have to perform a cleansing ritual on my browsing history and cookies for having visited billgoldberg.com. I was intrigued to see that there is an actual section of his site dedicated to his movie and TV appearances. I was further intrigued that this movie is the first one that comes up in the stills slideshow.

But I am avoiding talking about the actual movie, as I am wont to do. I love that word. Wont. Such a small word that sounds so intellectual. Wont.

Okay I’ll stop procrastinating and get to the plot recap, but Yule be sorry. AHAHA….*cough*

Alright already — just stop looking at me like that.

So as fundamentalist religious groups have shouted all along, Santa Claus is Satan. Satan’s son, specifically. Yes it seems that long ago Satan did spawn and December 25th was his progeny’s day to wreak havoc on the earth, called the Day of Slayings. Christians would gather in a church and hold a “mass of Christ” where they would pray for God’s protection. One year, for some reason, God ended up sending an angel to earth to… disguise himself as an old man. I’m not sure what the plan was there.

It just so happens Santa Satan Claus and his elf minions were messing around a fishing hole on a frozen lake when the angel (as an old man) came up and challenged him. They made a deal that whoever could slide a rock across the ice and make it closest to the fishing hole without it actually falling in was the winner. (This is evidence for my theory that curling, shuffleboard, and lawn bowling are of the devil. Those seniors are up to no good. Mark my words.) The stakes: If Santa Claus won, the old man’s soul would spend eternity in Hell. The old man countered that if Santa lost, he would be bound to a thousand years of merry making in the form of passing out gifts to children and that December 25th , instead of a Day of Slaying, would be a Day of Glee. Knowing that no mortal could match his mad curling skillz, Santa agreed.

As happens to all overly confident children of the underworld, Santa totally lost. Cut to one thousand years later, December 25th 2005. Santa’s free, baby, and all Hell Townships’ about to break loose. It’s up to Nicholas Yuleson, his “crazy” inventor grandfather, and Nick’s friend Mary to save the day!

Yes, friends, the movie is set in Hell Township. Just in case you’ve never been there yourself (like Justin and his band of miscreants last year), and missed on out all the delicious puns, this movie makes good and sure you get them crammed down your gullet at every available opportunity. It should be noted that they filmed Hell in Alberta, Canada. And I’m going to leave that as it stands. Next!

As a warning this movie is not for the easily offended. There are seemingly endless jabs at Christian and Jewish tradition, gory violence, topless dancers, and such a propensity for foul language that I was hard pressed to find any good, PG-13 quotes for this page. I was really looking more for “so bad it’s good”, but got “so bad it’s meh”. The movie doesn’t take itself too seriously (or even a little bit seriously), and sometimes it felt like it was trying WAY too hard to be stupid. I was disappointed, as I had hoped to find a movie that was actually going for some credibility. I prefer to laugh at my bad horror movies, not with them, thank you.

Even so I must admit something as atrocious as Santa’s Slay had some funny bits. Hubby and I both got cracked up at a scene in the stripper bar when Santa growled “eeww” and cleaned the pole that a stripper had just slid down before using it to kill the bar tenders. There were also some pretty inventive kills that would have Saw scratching his balding head. Not even garland is safe in the hands of this guy. Shockingly, some of these actors actually gave good performances. Emelie de Ravin, for example, was very likeable as Mary and Bill Goldberg is quite fitting as the twisted Satanic Santa.

Oh, movie! How did you know? Endless puns on Christmas carols, dialogue heavy with misplaced swearing, terrible one-liners? Just what I wanted for Christmas!

Okay so not really, but at least I got a culty Christmas review out of it.

Paul Bunyan and Babe got a little bored during the winter months... Oh yeah, baby, Santa's gonna jingle your bells! Cue the entrance theme!

Didja Notice?

• A Christmas tree topper can make an effective shuriken
• I’ve always said candy canes are a dangerous weapon. You know when you have one in your mouth until the end gets all pointy and pokes you in the tongue? That really hurts! Not to mention if someone used it to jab your eye out.
• Santa’s grossed out face as he almost grabbed the stripper pole.
• Laser pointers with the Star of David on them are useless against Satan, er…Santa. Good to know if you’re ever in a situation where he’s about to shove a menorah into your jugular.
• The gas station attendant of Hell is one of Little Nicky’s brothers. Heh.
• How many times they use the word “hell”.
• For once the corrupted religious figure isn’t Catholic.
• Thanks for the exposition, Santa!
• Nicholas Yuleson hates Christmas because he didn’t get the toys he wanted as a kid? Talk about the poster child for Capitalism.
• Fran Drescher, how I LOATHE you.

Is It Worth Staying Through the End Credits?

There’s a clip of Bill Santa Goldberg checking his list and saying his catch phrase “Who’s next?”

Intermission

The opening scene has Santa (Goldberg) slaughtering a family over their Christmas dinner. The main recognizable actors in this scene (Chris Kattan, Fran Drescher, Goldberg, James Caan) are all Jewish.

Goldberg married Wanda Ferraton, a stunt double he met while making this movie. They have a two-year old son together. Goldberg e is an animal rights activist who has addressed The United States Congress in order to raise awareness against illegal animal fighting. Also, he owns and operates an avocado ranch. That’s just amusing to imagine.

Groovy Quotes

Santa: Who’s your daddy? Father Christmas!

Grandpa: If it’s the truth you want, it’s the scary truth you’re gonna have.

Santa: I’m just trying to spread a little yuletide fear.

Police office in the Jewish deli: Okay… something just isn’t kosher here.

Nicholas, after seeing the police captain in his Santa suit: Don ye know your gay apparel.

Mary: You hit like a girl.
Nicholas: You kiss like a guy.

Nicholas (while he and Mary run away from Santa): Maybe we should split up!
Mary: How cliché of you. Probably not!

Santa (while looking at a copy of A Christmas Carol): Christmas sure can scare the Dickens out of people.

Soundtrack Review

Some really, really, REALLY terrible Christmas-themed “rock” music. Don’t believe me? The end credits song goes “Bye-bye, Santa. Santa bye-bye. Bye-bye, Santa. I ain’t gonna cry. You killed my gramps and you’re tryin’ to kill me. I hope your sleigh goes down in the sea.”

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Jack Frost

• Silent Night, Deadly Night
• Gremlins