“Fine, don’t believe me. Just wait until he kills you!”
The Scoop: 1984, R, directed by Michael Winner and starring Rachael Kelley, David Allen Brooks, and Rocco Sisto
Tagline: First he tried to kill Mom. Now he’s after me. But no one believes me!
Summary: Typical teen angst story of a girl who’s parents try to murder her.
Imagine: You’ve grabbed a Value Meal from McDonalds with a Diet Coke (but let’s face it, that isn’t going to help that small continent growing around your midsection), settled down into your comfy couch (Or Hamburgler armchair. I’m not judging), ready to watch another fantastic episode of your favorite television show, Mystery Science Theater 3000. Suddenly, in the midst of the usual chuckle-inspired weirdness emerges one of THOSE moments. You know, the ones that you sit through while the SOL crew slowly chips away at your sanity for two or three minutes, leaving you with a hollow shell for a cranium (But this could be a typical day for some. Again, not judging.)
I decree that this particular DHD be a tribute to all those MST3K moments that, whether or not they make us laugh, surely make us scratch our heads and wonder if we’ve just been mentally violated.
Because these moments really should be seen, rather than read about, I tried very hard to get working video clips of each Insane Moment. All episodes are available on DVD, so make sure to go out and buy these fantastic creations so that you may enjoy them in all their glory.
Everyone drag out your hallucinogens and your tie-dyed T-shirts, ’cause we’re about to go on a trip as I present:
Six of the Most Insane MST3K Moments!
“Have a mental margarita”
The Scoop: 1988 PG, directed by Julien Temple and starring Geena Davis, Jeff Goldblum, Jim Carrey and Damon Wayans
Tagline: An out-of-this-world, down-to-earth comedy adventure.
Summary capsule: There’s aliens, girls in bikinis, and Julie Brown. I’m sorry, did you think there was a plot?
“I swear that if you come back to life I’ll kill you again, no matter how many times!”
The Scoop: 1996 NR, Directed by Yoshiaki Kawajiri/Kevin Seymour and starring Dean Elliot and Wendee Lee (English version)
Summary Capsule: It’s the final countdown! Bah da baaa baaa! Ba-da -bap ba baaaaa!
“You’re crazier’n a road lizard!”
The Scoop: 2009 PG, directed by Shawn Levy and starring Ben Stiller, Amy Adams, Hank Azaria and Owen Wilson
Tagline: When the lights go off, the battle is on.
Summary Capsule: It’s up to Larry to rescue his friends from the evil clutches of Moe! I mean, Kahmunrah!
The topic on the table today is this: What movies were so cool to you as a kid, but now you are embarrassed to be in the same room as them?
Let’s hear what the Mutants have to say!
Mike: It’s funny, a friend of mine actually coined a term for this phenomena: Darkman Syndrome. It’s a weird category here. Mortal Kombat at the time it came out was the coolest thing I’d ever seen, and upon seeing it more recently I literally cringed at the crappy CGI, atrocious dialogue, and wooden acting, but alternatively, Howard the Duck has only improved in my estimation. Go fig.
“Nothin’ like a good piece of hickory.”
The Scoop: 1985, R, Directed by Clint Eastwood and starring Clint Eastwood and Michael Moriarity
Tagline: Hell has come home.
Summary Capsule: The Man With No Name saves a mining settlement with no hope
It’s no surprise that Hollywood’s kind of running out of ideas. There’s the rare jewel here and there but that generally just turns out to be a re-imagining of a story we’ve already heard. A lot of times the only thing a movie ever had going for it was its poster.
Some are amazing pieces of art: intriguing, captivating, thought-provoking and piquing our curiosity to the point that there is no way we will not see what awesome piece of celluloid could have inspired such stunning beauty.
This article is not about those posters.
“It will be dark soon. There is now way out of here. It will be dark soon.”
The Scoop: 1966, NR, directed by Harold P. Warren and starring Harold P. Warren, Diane Mahree, John Reynolds and Tom Neyman
Tagline: “It’s shocking! Beyond your imagination!”
Summary Capsule: Family is terrorized by a man with big knees, women in granny panties and a skinny, mustachioed guy who plays fingerpaints on his outerwear.
“Dear Diary, My teen angst bull**** has a body count”
The Scoop: 1988 R, directed by Michael Lehmann and starring Winona Ryder, Christian Slater, Shannen Doherty, Lisanne Falk and Kim Walker
Tagline: No tagline
Summary Capsule: Boy meets girl, boy starts killing everyone she knows
