The Scoop: 2009, R.  Directed by Neill Blomkamp and starring Sharlto Copley, Jason Cope, and Nathalie Boltt

Tagline: You are not welcome here

Summary Capsule: (Bleep) phoning home.  Christopher Johnson wants to go there.

Lissa’s Rating: 10 cans of cat food

Lissa’s Review: I have to be honest- I’d heard nothing about District 9 until a few weeks back, when all of a sudden the worlds I inhabit on the internet exploded with how awesome this movie was.  Couple the internet buzz with a certain weekly entertainment magazine (gee, wonder which one I mean?) actually giving the movie an A, and I was genuinely curious.  Put in “apartheid allegory in a sci-fi setting”, and when I had a chance to see a movie for the first time in months, I took my 8.50 and got a ticket to see District Nine, not Harry Potter.

And I don’t regret it one little bit.  It was that good.

I don’t want to say a whole lot about the movie, because frankly, it’s best that way.  Previews these days seem to tell too much, and when you have the impression you’ve already seen the movie, what’s the fun in that?  So, let’s see… plot summary.  Aliens- and really ugly ones, too, none of these near-human elf-like types- land on Earth.  And they’re in trouble, malnourished, and their technology is broken.  As a result, the aliens are stuck on Earth.  And Earth… well, let’s just say that it’s a fairly cynical take on how the people of Earth respond to that situation, and sadly, probably pretty realistic.

How much do I love this movie?  Let me make you a list, because it needs one.

1.) I love that this movie took place in South Africa.  Wait, you mean the aliens didn’t land over Manhattan or DC?  There are OTHER places in the world?  That’s right!  Right there we have a major cliché buster.

2.) I loved that the main character Wikus was actually complicated.  He was kind of pathetic in his way, so I had an underdog vibe going for him.  He was good at his job, really.  He was prejudiced against the aliens, in a way that generally seemed realistic but at one point made me literally almost throw up.  He had a sort of charisma… and yet a humanity that was rather repulsive, too.  Awesome character.

3.) The little kid actually wasn’t annoying.

4.) The character of Christopher Johnson was interesting, and again, a cliché buster.  It was amazing how much emotion they could convey through a mask and CGI.

5.) Where did the aliens come from?  What was their home world like?  What was their culture like?  Couldn’t tell ya, and I loved that.  I’m so glad they never filled those gaps in, because it really works for this movie, and filling them in would have been a mistake.

6.) I loved the relationship between Wikus and his wife.  It was such a humanizing aspect, making it so clear that just because someone can be a jerk in one area of life doesn’t mean they are without any redemption.

7.) The movie sure didn’t pull any punches, and oh, some of it hurt.  There was one scene I nearly lost my lunch, not because of the gore, but because of what was being said.  And what hurt was that I’m positive that would be the attitude if this situation was real.  A souvenir, indeed.

8.) I love the fact that this movie was done on a small budget.  If you really sit down and think about it, it shows.  Aside from the aliens, there aren’t a ton of effects, and they keep to a very few locations.  I’ve never heard of any of the actors before.  But it doesn’t look cheap- it just looks real.

9.) The aliens actually had distinct personalities.  Go figure.

10.) I love that this movie took a message that could have come out as something that’s been said time and time again, and yet it didn’t.  Yes, this was a movie that urges us to open our eyes to how we treat others different from ourselves, and how terrible humanity can really be.  But the message was delivered in a creative, entertaining way, and while it came through strong and clear, the movie didn’t whack you over the head with it, either.

In fact, it’s that last thing that really made me enjoy the movie.  I read an interview with Neill Blomkamp, the director and creator of the film, and he said something to the effect of he didn’t want to make a story with a message, but tell a story in a way that might really happen.  He accomplished that, and that’s precisely what makes this movie so incredibly good.

This one’s a must see, folks.

"Hi. Have you heard of this fantastic company called Amway?"

Intermission:

All the shacks in District 9 were actual shacks that exists in a section of Johannesburg which were to be evacuated and the residents moved to better government housing, paralleling the events in the film. Also paralleling, the residents had not actually been moved out before filming began. The only shack that was created solely for filming was Christopher Johnson’s shack.

The idea of the prawns being obsessed with cat food came from two inspirations. In impoverished areas of Johannesburg, Neill Blomkamp would see people selling cheese poofs and other snack foods out of large 3-foot tall bags and wanted the aliens to have a similar cheap food. The decision to make them cat food came from one of the producers who used canned cat food to bait hooks when fishing for prawns in Vancouver.

Groovy Quotes

Automated MNU Voice: When dealing with aliens, try to be polite, but firm. And always remember that a smile is cheaper than a bullet.

Wikus Van De Merwe: [Points out Alien graffiti] This is basically a guy, and there’s 3 humans here, basically trying to make a warning, you know, saying “I kill 3 humans, watch out for me.”

James Hope – Police Officer: I mean, you can’t say they don’t look like that, that’s what they look like, right? They look like prawns.

Wikus Van De Merwe: Could you go a bit slower with the clicks there, it sounded like you said *three years*…

Wikus Van De Merwe: This whole’s thing’s under your shack? For 20 years, you’ve had this thing hidden out here? This is, this is very illegal, I mean, this is… this is a fine.

Christopher Johnson: I thought you said not to kill them?
Wikus Van De Merwe: He shot at me!

If You Liked This Movie, Try:

• Children of Men
• Men in Black
• The Power of One

“The numbers are the key to everything.”

The Scoop: 2009, PG-13 Directed by Alex Proyas and starring Nicolas Cage, Chandler Canterbury and Rose Byrne

Summary Capsule: MIT professor happens upon a sheet of numbers that predicts major disasters, including possibly the End of the World.

Mike’s Rating: 136545068461035135164846413540468431640684168406940613135484684

Mike’s Review: Let’s face it: sometimes this world is a downright nasty place to live. Mass murder, terrorist attacks, earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis, reality shows– it’s pretty scary out there. But imagine for a second that you discover a way to predict the date and location of aforementioned disasters. Do you try to stop them from happening, or do you put as much distance between yourself and the prophesized calamity as humanly possible? Well if you’re Nicolas Cage, lets just say the whole living thing is not extremely high on your priorities list.

Cage plays John Koestler, an astrophysics professor at MIT with a serious chip on his shoulder as far as predestination is concerned after the death of his wife in a fire. Things get weird when his “stuff just happens” philosophy is challenged by, of all things, a piece of paper; said paper containing a series of numbers written by a creepy-eyed urchin some fifty years ago, pulled out of an elementary school time capsule and handed to Koestler’s son Caleb. By accident he starts to take a close look at the numbers and finds that they correspond to the date, location, and number of dead for every major disaster on Earth for the past fifty years, with three more left to go on the list. From there the clock is ticking as Koestler, with increasing desperation, tries to unravel and solve the mysteries of the numbers,  prevent the foretold disasters from occuring and protect his son from the shadowy figures who have begun to stalk the woods near his house.

As the director of The Crow, Dark City and I, Robot, Alex Proyas is one of my top five all time favorite directors, and he doesn’t disappoint here. The man knows how to tell a story, even one that takes on heavy metaphysical themes including (in the case of this film), a deterministic universe versus a random one, without talking down to the audience. The movie has a genuine feel of dread as events unfold, sometimes with frighteningly graphic consequences, and it’s refreshing to see a film not shying away from the realities of loss of life in a tragedy. More than once I was surprised, not by the story itself (which was admittedly kind of predictable), but by the choices Proyas made in unveiling that story and letting it play out. At times the plot seems just a little too tidy, with some pretty amazing coincidences, but depending on how accepting you are of the predestination aspects of the plot this may or may not hinder your enjoyment of the film. It didn’t hinder mine. There’s some emotional resonance as well, as we follow Cage’s character through an evolution of a disbelieving pastor’s kid, to a man who’s willing to go on faith alone.

Ultimately the best thing I can say about this film is that it stuck with me. The ideas put forth and the plotlines that provided them a backdrop continue to ruminate in my head even a few days after seeing the film. The film makes you think, which is rare these days. This is what we need more of; The kind of science fiction/ fantasy story that would be perfectly at home as an extended episode of the Twilight Zone–entertaining us with wondrous sights in an impossible universe while making us ponder the nature of our own.

"Cool! This is just like LOST!"

Didja Notice?

• You know something bad is going to kill a lot of people and you go the exact location this is supposed to take place? I appreciate you want to stop the loss of life, but you’ve got a kid, man.
• Lucinda and Abby are played by the same little girl (Lara Robinson)?
• WILHELM SCREAM! heard during the subway crash.
• The last line of the movie is “I know”.

Intermission!

• This is the second film featuring Rose Byrne to revolve around the possible end of the world. The first was Sunshine.
• Richard Kelly was originally set to write and direct the project.
• The school in the movie is William Dawes Elementary. William Dawes was one of the riders who, like Paul Revere, warned the minutemen that British troops were coming. Just like a child at his namesake school was trying to warn people what was coming.
• The text of the time capsule plaque reads, “We, the 3rd grade class of William Dawes Elementary School, in the year of 1959 A.D., hereby commit our visions of the future as a token of hope and friendship toward our successors, the class of 2009 A.D.”

Groovy Quotes

Caleb Koestler: I can’t consume that. I’ve decided to become a vegetarian.
John Koestler: Well, when were you planning on telling the guy who buys the groceries around here?
Caleb Koestler: Are you deaf? I just told you now, Dad.

Stacey: Well, what do you believe?
John Koestler: I think $#!% just happens. But that’s me.

John Koestler: Look, I’m not saying that eighty-one people are going to die tomorrow. I just want to know why *THIS* (points to numbers list) SAYS THEY ARE!

John Koestler: The numbers are the key to everything.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Dark City
• Timescape
• Miracle Mile

STRANGERS IN PARADISE

To sum up Strangers in Paradise is no easy task, but in essence it’s a love story that also happens to be a crime thriller. Except instead of a hardboiled private eye, our hero(ine) is Katchoo, a blonde artist who looks like a model but takes no crap from ANYONE, including you, mister. She also happens to be hopelessly in love with best friend Francine and makes no secret of it; however, Francine loves Katchoo as a friend but is avowedly straight, not at all interested in the love that dare not speak its name. Things get complex when art student David enters their lives and falls head over heels for Katchoo, who for her part couldn’t be less interested. But David isn’t about to let a little thing like sexual orientation stand in the way of true love, and meanwhile Francine doesn’t think David is such a bad catch himself. Everything heats up when Katchoo’s past catches up to her, as we learn she once worked as a high-priced escort/bodyguard for Darcy Parker, one of the biggest crimelords in America, and may have stolen quite a bit of money on her way out. That’s just the tip of the iceberg, though, and before the series is over all of the characters will go through their share of humor, heartbreak, and intrigue.

Much like the comic Blue Monday that I described previously, SiP has nary a cape or supernatural element in sight, taking place in a world that could just as well be our own. (Okay, there’s one superhero parody and one Xena parody, but they’re both dream sequences.) What gives it life, and why it could easily be a great movie, is the characters with all their individual flaws and foibles. Some of those are physical- while Katchoo is a twig, Francine struggles with her weight throughout the series, and while not obese, is never what one would call skinny either. But creator Terry Moore makes it clear through numerous would-be paramours (Katchoo foremost among them) that Francine’s inner beauty shines through and makes her remarkably attractive, in large part due to her compassion and loving personality. (Granted, the boobs don’t hurt either.) Far more interesting, though, are the characters’ personality flaws. While generally good people, all of them have skeletons in their closets and something they’re unwilling to let go of, whether it’s the dream of a relationship with Francine, or Katchoo, or Mr. Right, or something else entirely. The series also does an excellent job of portraying both straight and gay relationships in a highly realistic manner, earning it numerous awards from GLAAD in addition to its Eisner Award for Best Serialized Story.

For all that I love SiP, I do have a few tiny complaints, primarily stemming from the intense “making it up as he goes along” vibe that pervades the series. On multiple occasions we’re given glimpses of the future only to have later events preclude things from actually happening that way, and the series introduces more characters and subplots that are dropped without explanation than any other I’ve ever read. (Wasn’t Katchoo a recovering alcoholic at one point?) I realize this is a backhanded complaint, but Moore brings so much vitality and depth to his characters that when they suddenly disappear without explanation, it’s jarring. Maybe it’s some meta-commentary on how people drift in and out of your life without warning, but by the end you’ll find yourself wondering why minor characters who appear for two issues are developed better than Brad, a major plot-driving character for over half the series. On a related note, the cycle of endless fights and reconciliations gets so repetitive that the characters themselves are forced to address it eventually. And while Katchoo is Moore’s pet character, I’ll admit that for most of the series she was my least favorite. Yes, she’s creative, witty, capable of extreme kindness… she’s also ungodly temperamental, borderline abusive, and (intentionally or not) shows David juuuust enough affection to keep him around while always leaving him wanting more. I know she’s had a tough life and she does improve near the end of the series, but more than once I found myself wishing David would shake off his Katchoo obsession and notice the attractive, stable brunette sitting next to him.

But in the end, those are minor quibbles about a truly remarkable series. If you’re someone who, even with the silly masks and codenames removed, just can’t bring yourself to read any comic involving fantastic powers or situations, do yourself a huge favor and check out Strangers in Paradise. If you don’t believe me, you can take bestselling author and snappy dresser Neil Gaiman’s word for it: “What most people don’t know about love, sex, and relations with other human beings would fill a book. Strangers in Paradise is that book.” ‘Nuff said.

“One man by himself is nothing. Two people who belong together make a world.”

PLANETARY

If your idea of a good time is raiding tombs or lost arks and learning the history of something that never was, have I got the series for you. Elijah Snow, Jakita Wagner, and the Drummer (first name “The,” last name “Drummer”) collectively comprise the field team of Planetary, who bill themselves as “Archaeologists of the Impossible.” Their self-imposed mission is to investigate and document the secret history of the world, all those things that have either through circumstance or careful manipulation remained hidden from the rest of us. In practice, this is an excuse for writer Warren Ellis to play around with the tropes and genre expectations of fiction and plumb just how deep the rabbit hole goes. No corner of literature, cinema, or comics is safe from Planetary’s investigations, and all of them come across looking more interesting than you might originally have thought.

Need an example of what to expect? Elijah Snow’s first mission with the group involves a secret alliance of pulp heroes (thinly-veiled versions of the Shadow, Tarzan, Fu Manchu, Doc Savage, and more) who invented a computer that uses alternate realities to predict the future, only to give their lives fighting off an invasion of Justice League analogues from one of the realities. Later cases include a mysterious island near Japan where giant monsters suddenly appeared in 1950 only to die out by the mid-70s, and a Hong Kong cop who was killed by his partner, but whose ghost appears every night to avenge murders with phantom (but very real) guns until someone else is betrayed and murdered to take his place. As the series progresses the intrigue only deepens, because it turns out Planetary doesn’t just investigate mysteries, they ARE one. Who’s the mysterious “Fourth Man” who funds their operations? Why did they choose to recruit Elijah, and what happened to the previous Third Man? (Killed while investigating the government’s ill-fated attempt at sending a crew into an entirely fictional universe.) And how can they possibly stand against the Four, amoral versions of the Fantastic Four who serve as the dark counterpoint to Planetary’s efforts, explorers who keep their discoveries only for themselves and actively work to cover up or annihilate supernatural beings and occurrences.

If you’ve ever lamented that the two X-Files movies weren’t that great, take note: Planetary is everything the X-Files wanted to be and more. Instead of a gullible wiener who’s a little too fixated on his sister and a bitchy skeptic, you get a century-old newbie, a sardonic British woman who can drop kick a rhino across the Grand Canyon, and a slightly insane young man who would really, really like to be alone with that sexy television of yours. (Okay, Jakita’s also kind of bitchy, but she looks better in leather than Scully.) Rather than bring locked into investigating an alien/mutation/urban legend every week, the comic’s broad remit allows Ellis to explore any genre he wants, and he has quite a vivid imagination. Ergo, a film version could feature Elijah’s recruitment and the pulp hero case to get him up to speed, but then transition into Planetary’s attempts to shut down the Four while Elijah slowly starts to recover his memories… including being trained by Sherlock Holmes and his unrevealed prior connection to Planetary. This movie needs to happen, if only to show that a film version of a comic devoted to exploring the realms of fiction can actually be done right, rather than… well.

”These people need putting down. And you’re getting this briefing now for three reasons. You’re a cranky son of a bitch and no-one really likes you — but we trust you now. You’re always complaining that we never do anything proactive. And we just found out where the Four are. You want to go get them?”

HITMAN

Yet again I’m cheating a bit, in the sense that Hitman was published by DC, one of the big two comic companies. Since it skated along for five years on the outskirts of the DC universe with only rare appearances by superheroes, I’m giving it a pass… besides, it has way more in common with Garth Ennis’ other infamous series, Preacher. Both feature healthy doses of ultra-violence, heroes who don’t take crap from anyone, and philosophical musings hidden between hilariously bizarre scenarios, but Hitman is both slightly more restrained (no cursing or nudity to be found) and played more for laughs. It’s also considered by some to be the better of the two series; that’s debatable, but what’s not is that it’s a hella funny comic with gratuitous violence, outre situations, characters with actual depth, and a surprising amount of heart. Like a Quentin Tarantino flick without the unearned sense of artistic smugness.

Hitman tells the story of Tommy Monaghan, a professional contract killer who accidentally acquires x-ray vision and low-level telepathy and decides to use them to specialize in killing superhuman and paranormal targets… for a modest fee, of course. The thing is, Tommy’s powers are entirely incidental to most stories and, like his codename, are almost forgotten about as the series progresses. Instead, the draw of Hitman is Tommy himself, a smart, funny, and — there’s no way around it — likable professional assassin. Like John Cusack’s character in Grosse Pointe Blank, Tommy has a way of making us empathize with him even as he ends people’s lives, and Ennis writes a poor Irish Catholic son-of-an-immigrant as only an Irishman can. It’s one of life’s great ironies that foreign writers are often the most gifted at articulating exactly what makes this the land of opportunity, and Ennis is one of the best at capturing the greatness of America’s melting pot without glossing over the country’s flaws. As well, there’s the fact that Tommy’s personal ethics lead him to only accept contracts on people who are killers themselves or otherwise (in his mind at least) deserve to die. It doesn’t make it right to cheer him on, of course, but damned if you won’t anyway. It’s an incredibly funny series, but Ennis also knows exactly when to pause the laughs and remind you that, hey- at the end of the day, this man kills people for money. And one of Hitman’s best moments occurs when best friend Natt the Hatt confronts Tommy with the hypocrisy of his self-imposed moral code.

There’s no shortage of great Hitman stories to translate to the silver screen, as Tommy and his assassin pals got themselves into one impossible scrape after another. A personal favorite is a night job at Gotham Aquarium where a chemical spill has mutated the sealife into zombie penguins and dolphins and harp seals; it’s like Evil Dead 2 meets, I don’t know, pixie farts. Something. Anyway, just cast a charming rogue who can pull off an Irish accent but who isn’t a d-bag (not so fast, Colin Farrell) and give Ennis the writing reins. I will caution, however, that one inclusion in the movie is non-negotiable. You see, the success of Hitman can be traced to exactly one thing, which is that it introduced the world to the single greatest superhero to ever grace the printed page: Dogwelder. The result of a bar bet between Garth Ennis and a friend that no one could come up with a stupider superhero name than “Green Lantern,” Dogwelder’s schtick is that he… well, he welds dead dogs to criminals’ faces. This is wonderful and magic. If you do not see the beauty in Dogwelder, stop reading my article immediately.

“You know you my best friend in the entire world, Tommy. Hell, you my brother. I got your back from now ’til the day we both be checkin’ out. But sometimes you so full of it you make me wanna throw up, man. This whole thing you got, this line you draw — like you ain’t gonna shoot anyone good? Who the hell are you to judge that? Like you don’t mind wastin’ wiseguys an’ gangstas by the dozen, but you ain’t gonna kill no cop? What if he’s on the take? Or he likes beatin’ on any brother looks at him funny? You don’t know! An’ I mean what you talkin’ about now, like you gotta atone or somethin’? You a hitman, Tommy! You kill for money! Live wit’ it! You know it an’ I know it, an’ pullin’ crap like showin’ mercy to Big Ears over there — that ain’t gonna change it for a instant.“

MADMAN

If you ever watched the Saturday morning cartoon “Freakazoid!” back in the day, you’re at least slightly familiar with Madman, whose protagonist served as its inspiration. Following in a proud fictional tradition, Frank Einstein (get it?) is a man searching for his past. Unlike most of his forebears, the reason Frank has to search is that he’s a patchwork corpse stitched back up and reanimated by two benevolently mad scientists. Naming him after their two heroes (Frank Sinatra and Albert Einstein), the scientists don’t have time to educate Frank properly because they borrowed heavily from a mafia boss to finance their experiments, and it turns out mobsters aren’t the patient type. Finding his resurrection left him with no memories but imbued him with enhanced reflexes and agility, as well as psychic sensitivity, Frank creates a costume to hide his hideous appearance modeled after the one thing he remembers liking in his past life, a comic book superhero. Thus properly attired, he sets out on a mission to save his creators and ultimately figure out for what higher purpose he’s been given a new lease on life.

Reading over the above description, it sounds pretty melodramatic and serious, but nothing could be further from the truth. In actuality, Madman is all about brightness and pop fun, a lighthearted romp through the surreal side of life. Naturally there’s danger to overcome and villains to be defeated, but Frank’s adventures have an airy quality to them, and the character himself is genuinely a nice, down-to-earth guy… whether he’s having a leisurely picnic with girlfriend Joe or clashing with a gang of mutant street beatniks, Frank always looks on the bright side of life. He doesn’t even have a secret identity- the mask is simply to cover his scars, and while newspapers call him “the Madman of Snap City,” to friends he’s just Frank (and anyone who wants to be is his friend). Creator Mike Allred is indisputably one of the most talented artists in comics — while on the surface Madman’s art may seem plain, it’s refreshing to see clean lines without the need for excessive detail at times, and it perfectly suits the tone of the comic. (That said, one of Allred’s greatest strengths is the ability to replicate nearly any drawing style. One Madman story saw the characters drawn differently in nearly every single panel, each one mimicking the artistic style of a popular comic or children’s book. You haven’t lived till you’ve seen Frank with Popeye arms or in the style of Peanuts characters.) That tone is escapism, by the by, mixed with a healthy dose of existentialism. My one criticism of the book is that it delves a little too deeply into philosophical musings at times, but you can’t come down on it too hard for being both fun to read and overly smart… would that more comics were like that.

I’m not going to lie, you probably couldn’t capture everything that makes Madman so ginchy keen in a film, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth trying. It would have to be animated, as I don’t see Frank’s hyper-colored escapades translating well to real life. That was tried once before with a low-budget live action adaptation of one of Allred’s other creations, the G-Men From Hell, with decidedly mixed results. No, animation is the way to truly do justice to the world’s snappiest comic magazine. Traditional cel animation would do the trick nicely, but The Incredibles proved that CGI is up to the task of handling the hyper-kinetic pop sensibilities of the superhero, so perhaps Frank’s destiny lies in that direction. Either way, Mike Allred (and ideally wife/colorist Laura Allred) has to be onboard as at least Art Director, or we’re not interested, Hollywood. Make a note of that.

“Meanies never win. And you can quote me on that.”

Our fifth entry was going to be Jonah Hex, the legendary scarred gunfighter who was a hero to some, a villain to others, and wherever he rode people spoke his name in whispers. As every man, woman or child knows, he had no friends, this Jonah Hex, but he did have two companions — one was death itself… the other, the acrid smell of gunsmoke. It was going to be Hex, but while doing research for this article I learned that the previously in-limbo Hex movie is now officially set for release in 2010. So, no go. (Although you should still check Jonah Hex out, he’s great.) In its place, we’re going to take a look at the first manga to grace this list:

MAIL ORDER NINJA

I usually steer well clear of manga, but I’m making an exception for Mail Order Ninja because it is quite literally made of awesome. It’s also all-ages, so a movie adaptation would be a great family film in the Pixar mold, aimed toward kids but with jokes that appeal to adults. M.O.N. puts us in the shoes of Timmy McCallister, your average fifth-grader at L. Frank Baum Elementary School. Timmy’s a nice young kid who digs ninjas and comics graphic novels, but he’s sick of getting pushed around by everyone, from rich girl Felicity Huffington to school bully Brock, who’s formed an unholy alliance with Timmy’s bratty sister Lindsay. Fed up, Timmy enters a contest to gain the exclusive services of world famous ninja Yoshida Jiro for a year, and (since it wouldn’t be much of a story otherwise) wins! Soon things are a bit different around school, where Brock’s American Bullying Association license is permanently revoked. With the halls safe for normal kids to walk without fear for their lunch money, Timmy beats out Felicity for class president in a landslide, and plans to celebrate his victory with an immense party after the school dance. But Felicity isn’t ready to cede control without a fight, importing Jiro’s nemesis Nobunaga and the entire White Dragon Clan to help her regain power. Something tells me this school dance is about to get totally ninja…

It’s hard to describe what makes M.O.N. so great, aside from the cliche that author Joshua Elder really does have a great grasp on the voice and motivations of a 10-year-old. The book is crammed with funny asides, many in the form of text boxes that crop up next to characters at random times, pop-up video style. Elder is clearly a Generation Y-er who grew up on the same stuff we did and loves paying homage to it; a perfect example is Timmy’s graphic novel about Jiro’s adventures, where both the dialogue and action mirror Optimus Prime’s assault on Megatron in the 1986 Transformers movie. Occasionally the references feel a bit ham-fisted (”There’ll be no more dark sarcasm in this classroom!” “Hey, teacher! Leave them kids alone.”), but they’re nearly always funny, which excuses a lot. The story itself is kid friendly, by which I mean there won’t be any plot points you don’t see coming, but A) it’s written for young adults, and B) it packs enough laughs that odds are you won’t care. The violence is cartoony, and the stories themselves are quick reads. (Two volumes are out so far; a third was due earlier this year but has been pushed back to November.) I don’t really have much else to add- farm M.O.N. out to Dreamworks or Pixar and let them do what they do best. This one’s got my personal guarantee, you can’t go wrong.

“Son, owning a ninja is a big responsibility. Remember what happened with the iguana?”

As a special bonus, here’s one indie comic that definitely should NOT be made into a movie:

FLAMING CARROT

The Flaming Carrot’s origins are shrouded in mystery. Some say he was once an ordinary man who went insane after reading 5000 comics in one sitting to win a bet. One thing is certain: for reasons all his own, he took to wearing a giant fiery carrot mask and flippers (in case he has to swim) and dispensing two-fisted justice to anyone who threatens Palookaville, a suburb of Iron City. Occasionally taking direction from a mysterious speaker he found implanted in his chest after awaking from a three-day bender, the Carrot is a hard-hitting, hard-living, hard-loving hero who likes his drinks stiff and his women loose. With his trademark battle cry of “Ut!”, he wages lethal yet comedic war on any evildoer who’s man enough to take him on.

I actually really dig the Carrot, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to see him on celluloid anytime soon. The problem is that essentially all of the humor in FC’s adventures is based on surreality. That’s fine as far as it goes, but the surreality isn’t a vehicle for the humor, it IS the humor. For instance, while wandering through a dreamlike dimension, the Carrot might pass by a woman breastfeeding a dictionary. That’s slightly funny from an oddity standpoint, but it’s not the setup for a gag… that IS the gag. With the Carrot’s habit of talking almost exclusively in non-sequiturs, some of them zen but most of them just nonsense, you really have to have a high tolerance for absurdist humor to get much out of his adventures. They’re usually best in small doses, and I definitely can’t see many members of your average audience getting into the Carrot’s vibe. Ultimately, this one’s better left on the comic page.

Interestingly, FC almost, sort of was the inspiration for a movie. See, the Carrot was a founding member of the Mysterymen, a group of working-class heroes with the highest mortality rate of any superteam in history. Alongside members like the Shoveler, Jumpin’ Jehosaphat, and Mr. Furious, who gets so mad at crime he becomes bulletproof, FC battled such menaces as an army of Hitler’s cloned feet. The Mysterymen (with a space added into their name) ultimately did get a movie, but the Carrot was rudely not included, perhaps because ’90s special effects weren’t capable of doing justice to a 5′ carrot mask with flames perpetually shooting out the top. Maybe it’s for the best — the film didn’t have much in common with its avant garde source material, and the world may not be ready for FC’s bizarre brand of vigilantism. But know that whenever evil threatens hot women, the Carrot will be leading the charge on his nuclear-powered pogo stick, ready to win the day through his peculiar blend of raw grit, blinding stupidity, and dumb luck.

Ut!

The Scoop: 1986 PG. Directed by John R. Cherry III and starring Jim Varney, Myke R. Mueller, and Jackie Welch.

Tagline: None

Summary Capsule: A madman assumes many guises in order to destroy the world! *dun dun dun*

Eunice’s Rating: 5 out of 5 of Willy’s facial expressions.

Eunice’s Review: We open up with a man who a lot of people will recognize as Ernest P. Worrell. He tells the unseen Vern about his new Changing Coffin. When he opens it up a hand reaches out and pulls him screaming inside. Cut to the opening credits which are news clips of disasters set against a woman crooning out “Our love festers like an open wound.”

Welcome to the strange world of Dr. Otto and the Riddle of the Gloom Beam.

If I made a list of movies that influenced the cult watcher I am today this would be in the top five. The year was 1991, and I was about 7. In the small town I lived in, the nearest movie theater was two hours one way, the nearest bowling alley/arcade one. There are two (and later three) “mom and pop” video rental places and they all thrive because there isn’t anything to do.

I suspect my family put the owners’ kids through college. We’d raid the new releases wall, and then my mom would let my brother and I pick out movies from the stacks. This was one of mine. I’m guessing someone just saw that it had Jim Varney and put it in the children’s section, because I don’t know how else it got there. Strange kids we were though, we fell in love with this hidden beauty and would go on to re-rent it so many times my mother went through the trouble of hunting down our own copy. Bless her, and her obscure movie finding abilities.

Dr. Otto von Schnick (-ick –ick) doesn’t want to rule the world, he just wants to destroy it. Armed with the Gloom Beam, his whiny killer robot Willy, a trio of henchwomen, and a hand growing out of his head, he plans to make all the world’s wealth useless beginning with Cincinnati, “the financial capital of southern Ohio.” Out to stop him is Lance Sterling, an idiotic goodie two shoes, and Doris, the butt kicking brains of the operation who must have the patience of a saint because I would’ve throttled Lance two seconds in. These two, plus the titular riddle, are humanity’s only hope. But Otto and Lance grew up with each other creating a competitive streak and…

Well after that the story gets fuzzy and you shouldn’t think too hard about it. The rest pretty much goes as follows: Lance and Doris get lost. Dr. Otto uses the Changing Coffin to change his appearance and sets up a genre themed Wyle Coyote-esque trap. Doris manages to get them out of it, while Lance remains oblivious. Repeat.

But the plot isn’t important. This is a comedy. A little dark, occasionally twisted, very bizarre comedy. It’s the sort of movie that while the technical aspects are bad it is just, intentionally, entertaining because that’s all it’s trying to achieve. The ridiculousness of the plot is offset by the genius of the gags. The basement level budget by the straight faced, mostly good acting. Jim Varney in particular really shines as he goes through different personas. Also, I get the feeling like everyone had a great time making it, and I love that! I mean it has: a mad scientist, pirates, a hand growing out of top of someone’s head, wanton gleeful destruction of a science fair, and a trash bag monster. How can you resist? Honestly, if there was one movie I would send out copies of to my fellow Mutants this would be it.

Yet, in all this time, I’ve never met one person who has seen it before and that makes me a little sad.

Thanks Dr. Otto for being a weird little gem and helping to make me into the Mutant I am today.

Here at MRFH we believe in quality child care.

Didja Notice?

• A dryer hose is a perfectly acceptable fashion accessory?
• Nobody questions why there’s pirates in the woods?
• The Dump may be the most ghetto monster ever?
• The secret service guy bumping into the flag?
• Feather duster torture? Just another day in Kyle’s office really…
• Robot’s got nards!

Intermission!

The character of Ernest was created for local commercials in the early 80s by Nashville ad agency Carden and Cherry, who hired Jim Varney. Dr. Otto and the Riddle of the Gloom Beam is technically the first Ernest movie, with Ernest Goes to Camp coming out in 1987.

There was a DVD release of Dr. Otto in 2007. While I haven’t seen it, apparently the opening bit with Ernest and Vern has been cut out for some reason.

Groovy Quotes

The riddle: When the money is scrambled to the very last cent
Riots and hatred soon will commence
When all the world’s commerce will be put in a bind
From the evil that lurks where the sun never shines
It is I Dr. Otto von Schnick -ick – ick –ick
Who has played on you this trick -ick –ick –ick
But who’s Dr. Otto? You may well ponder
While all your magnetic cash is squandered
It’s he who had an eye and yet couldn’t see
It’s he who served bouillabaisse when he was she
It’s he who gambled with brains and a gun
It’s he who had all and yet had none
And to stop this horrible twisted trick
Just exchange the poles of Old Saint Nick
And if that doesn’t do to save the day
Put another quarter in and try another play

Dr. Otto: He got away! He got away! You let him get away!
Willy: Sir, my actions were specifically directed in capturing Lance Sterling. It would be illogical to assume that, as you say, I let him get away. I can’t believe you said that! Do you believe what we machines put up with? I mean I did everything a robot could possibly do. I shot my little arrow, I-I flashed everything up on the screens he wanted, I-I did everything that I, as a machine, could possibly do, and what does he say? “You let him get away.” Me! Me!

Otto: Come on, Willy, let’s play Senseless Violence.

Otto: Notice, if you will, the robot’s lifelike movements. It’s ability to understand spoken commands. And a vocabulary of nearly 700 words, such as: “ATTACK WILLY!” “SEARCH AND DESTROY!” “TORA! TORA! TORA!” WHAHAHA!

Rhonda Sue: So, did you win the science fair?
Dr. Otto: In a way. I won a special scholarship which allowed me to become what I am today: the human scum of the Earth.

Tina: My makeup’s running, my hair’s a mess, and I’m going to die! Why? Because I didn’t listen to my mother and fell for a foreign accent with a hand growing out of his head.

Tina: Auntie wants to freeze dry you and use your body parts to feed her army of zombies.
Lance: Well at least we won’t be wasted. I signed the donor card on the back of my driver’s license.
Doris: Can- Can you just stand by and let her turn him into part of an army of zombies? Can you do that to the zombies?

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• The Ernest movies
• UHF
• Dr. Horrible’s Sing-A-Long Blog

I suppose it’s not that strange of a guilty pleasure. After all, from a young age I fantasized about a life in which I’d be some dowdy (but glamorously beautiful underneath it all) heroine with years of classical ballet training. I’d get swept off my feet by the school’s resident bad boy (of course, he’d have an uncharacteristic passion for b-boying or disco or the Charleston – some less traditional and more fun form of dance.) But our relationship would only work if we could get over our differences and find that special spark that can only lead to physics-defying choreography.

Coincedentally, this happens to be the classic dance flick plot. Some form of it is featured in such films as Dirty Dancing, Grease, Save the Last Dance, Step Up, and the High School Musical trilogy.

Just remember - Flashdance sold way more legwarmers than your favorite movie.

But I have a feeling that my love for Saturday Night Fever, Footloose, and Center Stage spreads far beyond mere fantasy fulfillment. It’s not that I love the movies and their corny storylines as much as I truly appreciate dance as an art form above acting and even music itself. I can’t stand reality shows, especially American Idol-esque competitions, but every week I delight myself to America’s Best Dance Crew and So You Think You Can Dance. It’s as though I enjoy dancing more than I mind trite dialogue and uninspired character development, and, trust me on this, that’s saying an awful lot.

Any terrible movie is, in my opinion, made worth watching once for a nicely choreographed sequence. As much as I never want to watch She’s All That ever again in my life, I do YouTube the prom scene from time to time for a smile. (You know the scene I’m talking about. It’s horrendously contrived, but that’s precisely why it’s a guilty pleasure.) Even an already good film can be infinitely better with the addition of a dance. Case in point: Slumdog Millionaire. There is some controversy over whether the Bollywood number during the credits was necessary, but I vote that it added more flavor and ultimately made the film more memorable to me.

But skip over the musical sequences out of any dance-heavy movie, and it becomes disturbingly obvious just how bad the writing and acting truly are.

Yes, he's leaping. But it's a very manly leap!

Would anyone honestly care about Baby’s banal infatuation with Johnny Castle if there was no mambo involved? Probably not – that’s where the heat is. Would Tracy Turnblad be as endearing a heroine if she didn’t have her trademark moves? She’d never have the influence over people to make a difference. And what the heck would all the brooding Center Stage kids be doing if they couldn’t dance? Most of them would not be acting – I know that for sure.

I don’t know exactly what it is about dancing that allows me to forgive crappy writing. I’m not much of a dancer myself, and it’s not as though I find these stories to be particularly motivating. But just as some people like baseball movies and others enjoy romantic comedies without irony, I just can’t get enough of those dance flicks!

So if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to update my Fame countdown, and I don’t care how much you ridicule me for that!

This is the first in a series of articles on the music of the James Bond film series, with occasional forays into music inspired by the films, as well as music that clearly should have been included for various obvious reasons.

For the inaugural article on the music of the James Bond films, one would think I would pick out a fairly monumental theme song; one that topped the charts here and in the UK and continues to make its presence felt on the radio, on iTunes, or perhaps just in the minds of burgeoning fans as they pop their Bond DVDs into their home systems and find their minds blown by Bondmania.

But, no. I’m not only choosing one of the arguably more obscure Bond theme songs, I’m choosing the ending titles disco version that probably plays to empty living rooms across the world, as people get up to stretch or run to the bathroom. Heaven forbid they turn off the film right as the credits begin to roll: sacrilege!

Yes, for today’s analysis I’m highlighting “Moonraker (End Title)” by Shirley Bassey, from 1979’s Moonraker starring Roger Moore as James Bond.

In terms of the audience being prepared for the disco-flavored remix of “Moonraker (Main Title)” by the film itself, “Moonraker (End Title)” couldn’t ask for a better, more uproarious set-up. NASA scientists pick up the video feed from inside the Moonraker shuttlecraft to broadcast simultaneously to the White House and Buckingham Palace after Bond and Bond girl Dr. Goodhead (Lois Chiles) have saved the world, only to find Bond and Goodhead in coitus. Which is amusing enough, but Q’s presumably shuttle-trajectory-based observation of the action makes even noted professional critics’ Unofficial List of ‘Greatest Double-Entendres Ever.’

Laughter and charm give way to an utterly disco creation, full of bubbly synth beats and subliminal urging to dance like Ted Stryker in Airplane. The accumulated global knowledge of Wikipedia informs the production process of both versions of the Moonraker theme, noting how Kate Bush, Frank Sinatra, and Johnny Mathis were considered to perform the song. When ultimately these candidates fell through, Shirley Bassey was brought in fairly last-minute to record both versions; Bassey’s third Bond theme song performance. Due to the last-minute nature of the recordings, Bassey felt understandably distanced from the songs and neither version received much promotion. And so the Moonraker soundtrack generally remains overlooked, sandwiched as it is between Sheena Easton’s fabulous ‘For Your Eyes Only’ and Carly Simon’s iconic and near-mythic ‘Nobody Does it Better’ (for The Spy Who Loved Me).

And yet, both of Bassey’s performances are up to her usual Bond theme standard of excellence. The ballad version which opens the film is admittedly the stronger of the pair, playing both to the strength of Bassey’s voice and the iconic Bond main title visual sequences. But the disco version maintains its own kind of dignity, capturing both the zeitgeist of the times (Moonraker fusing the sci-fi sensibilities of Star Wars with the blockbuster formula of the Bond series, recalling both the straight-faced indulgences of the 1970’s and foreshadowing the overblown excess of the impending 1980’s) and the inherent poppy fun of the James Bond film. Even better than the ballad version, however, the disco version calls attention to the utter illogic of the nonsensical song lyrics only to urge, through fun and frivolity, any listener to set aside the call for coherence and instead revel in the escapades of every stripe of Our Hero James Bond.

Consider these song lyric, from the soundtrack by John Barry. What exactly is this song about? From whose perspective is this narrative told? Is the “moonraker” the actual Moonraker space shuttle from the film, or is James Bond himself a moonraker? Considering no one actually steps foot on the moon in the film, just what the hell is going on?

Moonraker by Shirley Bassey

Where are you? Why do you hide?

Where is that moonlight trail that leads to your side?

Just like the moonraker goes in search of his dream of gold,

I search for love, for someone to have and hold,

I’ve seen your smile in a thousand dreams

Felt your touch and it always seems

You love me

You love me

Where are you? When will we meet?

Take my unfinished life and make it complete

Just like the moonraker knows

His dream will come true someday

I know that you are only a kiss away

I’ve seen your smile in a thousand dreams

Felt your touch and it always seems

You love me

You love me.

From a poetic perspective, this is both highly metaphorical and obtuse. If this were a film about a gold prospector, or perhaps an astronaut incarnation of Indiana Jones, it would fit quite perfectly. For a cinematic adventure of a British secret agent, the logic is a little more problematic.

However, along with the best of the Bond themes, the performer and the composition make it all pop and come together in just the right way, and so does Moonraker’s dynamic duo of title tracks sparkle in all the right ways. Both versions are unfairly relegated to second-tier status, and I urge you to consider giving both a second listen. While definitely lacking the timeless quality of Duran Duran’s ‘A View to a Kill’ or Simon’s ‘Nobody Does it Better,’ ‘Moonraker (End Title)’ is both defined and unconstrained by its late ‘70s birthing. While those who despise Roger Moore’s era as Bond will never be won over, those capable of considering (and being willing to ignore at leisure) context when regarding a piece of art will find much to be entertained and amused by.

The Scoop: 1993  PG-13.  Directed by Yuen Wo Ping and starring Donnie Yen, Rongguang Yu, and Jean Wang.

Tagline: Sometimes the only way to become a hero is to be an outlaw.

Summary Capsule: A masked hero battles greedy governors, misled martial artists, and royal pains in the neck in nineteenth-century China.

Al’s Rating: If I had to choose a superpower, it would totally be ‘Flying Sleeves.’

Al’s Review: Everybody remembers their first.  I remember mine.  I was sixteen and I had been invited over to “hang out” after working a Saturday shift at the local movie theater.  I walked down those basement stairs a boy and, two hours later, strode out a man.  It all started like this:

“What do you mean you’ve never seen Iron Monkey?”

And I didn’t know what to say.  Frankly, I don’t know what I had been doing with my life before I found Hong Kong cinema.  I think I had seen Rumble in the Bronx once or twice and I could probably identify Jackie Chan in a lineup (probably), but I had never imagined that men and women could move this fast.  Or that I could laugh and cheer at a film where I knew I didn’t get all the nuances.  Or even just that a movie with subtitles could be this good.  And the great thing about Yuen Wo Ping’s Iron Monkey is that, after more than a decade of kung fu films, it still holds up as a shining example of the genre and one of my all-time favorite action flicks.

The story is simple, revolving around the mysterious Iron Monkey (Yu Rongguang)—a Zorro-type hero who fights against the city of Chiekang’s corrupt bureaucrats and steals from their treasuries to distribute amongst the downtrodden townsfolk.  By day, he is the gentle Dr. Yang, a local physician who provides free medical care for the city soldiers (most of whom get injured in the Monkey’s raids) with the help of his beautiful assistant, Miss Orchid (Jean Wang).

After a particularly embarrassing incident, Governor Cheng learns that the emperor’s Royal Minister is on his way to clean up Chiekang and Cheng demands the police force start rounding up all civilians deemed ‘suspicious.’  His captives include people practicing Monkeyfist kung fu, people climbing on ladders, people sneezing like monkeys, and even actual monkeys.  Amongst those taken in are Wong Kei-Ying (Donnie Yen), a famous traveling monk, and his son, Wong Fei-Hung (played by a girl, Angie Tsang, but not so you’d notice).  When the officials discover that they are holding the famous kung fu boxer, they imprison Fei-Hung in the Governor’s dungeon and force Kei-Ying track down the Iron Monkey and deliver him to the court.

The first, and arguably best, thing about Iron Monkey is that it’s funny.  Unlike Jet Li and Bruce Lee, who are constantly brooding and driven by revenge, Donnie Yen and Yu Rongguang are a little more like Spider-Man, bouncing around the room, peppering their opponents with quips as often as kicks.  They’re clearly enjoying the heck out of their characters and aren’t afraid to make the most of their roles.  It’s also full of broad physical humor, but it’s never so over the top that it gets silly (see: Tai Chi Master) and goes a long way to stop the film from ever becoming so dark or serious that it needs an enema.

The action, naturally, is top notch.  Donnie Yen is stellar as always and, although I haven’t seen Yu Rongguang outside this movie, he keeps up with Donnie kick-for-blindingly fast kick and carries the movie well.  The other ingredient needed for a successful action film, of course, is a memorable villain and Iron Monkey doesn’t disappoint here either.  James Wong is hilarious as the greedy, sniveling Governor, while Shi-Kwan Yen and Fai Li are memorably evil as the deadly Royal Minister and his bodyguard, the Shaolin Nun.

The fighting ranges from crowded marketplaces to slanted rooftops to a burning field of wooden posts, and never once does it feel old or tired.  Yuen Wo Ping has always staged the best fights in the business, and, in Iron Monkey, every setpiece radiates the energy and creativity of a master at work.

Beyond all that macho stuff, however, what really sets Iron Monkey apart for me is the heart it displays.  The relationships feel real and the film is smart enough to occasionally slow down and let them breathe in between the crazy action and cheesy melodrama (is there any other kind?).  Kei-Ying and Fei-Hung have a charming father/son/teacher/student dynamic and I absolutely love the more mature father/daughter interaction between Miss Orchid and Dr. Yang.  There’s even a glancing bit of romance that manages to be sweet without ever getting syrupy.

If I have to complain about something, it would have to be the way you are probably going to watch Iron Monkey.  Chances are, the version you will get your hands on is going to be the 2001 “Quentin Tarantino Presents” edition.  While I applaud QT’s desire to bring this little bit of Eastern awesomeness into our world, Miramax has *ahem* tailored the film for Western audiences.  The violence is toned down, some of the humor has been eliminated for fear it would confuse us dumb Americans, and—my real gripe—the excellent musical score has been completely dumped in favor of a sweeping Crouching Tiger-esque orchestra that feels out of place in a film that isn’t trying to be epic—just a whole lot of fun.  I’m not saying to skip the movie if that’s the edition can find, I’d only mention that there are better versions out there if you have an option.

When Iron Monkey ended that Saturday in the basement, I felt like something significant had changed in me.  That sounds silly, I know, but it’s true.  I had seen a movie that no one else had ever heard of, and yet I knew that if they could see what I saw they would love it like I did.  I wasn’t even sure if there was a word for that kind of movie, until a year or so later when I found this weird little website that wrote everything in slime green.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that this is a movie I should have reviewed a long, long time ago.  If you haven’t seen Iron Monkey, then you owe it to yourself to check it out.  If you have, I think it’s time to get reacquainted.  In short: I don’t think movies get much better than this.

Here, sniff this. I swear it smells like vanilla.

Didja Notice?

• Doctor Yang can take two pulses at once?  And write two prescriptions!
• Chief Fox has a birthmark that looks like New Jersey?
• The ‘falling’ autumn leaves are really clearly being thrown at the camera from offscreen?
• Maybe if I could clean my room like that I would do it more often.
• The ‘angry monkey’ drawing thrown at the greedy villager?
• Tip-tsi cures swelling?  Never forget it!
• Fei Hung’s trademark umbrella fighting and staff fighting?
• All the emotional fan waving going on?
• Shaolin cooking?
• Donnie Yen does my favorite No-Shadow kick.
• The evil Shaolin nun?  *Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!*
• Miss Orchid disguised as the royal attaché?  Love it.
• The Royal Minister’s Shaolin guards all have facial scars?
• The handprint-shaped bruise left by Shaolin Buddha’s Palm?
• Chief Fox is sharper than he looks?
• The Royal Minister kills a man with a cherry tomato?
• Donnie Yen holding the business end of a burning pole with his bare hand?  Awesome.

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

Nope.

Intermission!

The director of Iron Monkey, Yuen Wo Ping, is probably best known in America as the fight choreographer for The Matrix.

Unnecessary Background

Although Dr. Yang and Miss Orchid are fictional characters, Wong Kei-Ying and Wong Fei-Hung were real people.  Kei-Ying was a respected martial artist and herbalist in the early nineteenth century.  Fei-Hung grew up to be a wandering physician and martial artist.  He was master of Hung Ga and legendarily fought with the staff (as in Iron Monkey) and southern tiger fork.  He was renowned for protecting the weak and fighting injustice all over China.  Today, he is considered one of the country’s greatest folk heroes.  He died at the age of seventy-six on March 25th, 1924.

In cinema, Wong Fei-Hung has been the subject of over 100 films.  To Americans, his best known portrayals are likely by Jet Li in Once Upon A Time in China and Jackie Chan in Drunken Master.  Numerous sources report him as the most portrayed character in movie history.  Wong Fei-Hung also often fought while calling out the names of the stances he used.  This is the likely origin of the kung-fu genre’s inclination for its characters to do the same.

Groovy Quotes

Guard: Those Shaolin monks are so severe!
Chief Fox: I would smack them, but its snack time.

Iron Monkey: Don’t blink or you’ll miss the fun!

Peasant #1: Add more bark.  It’ll taste better.
Peasant #2: But the soup already tastes like a tree!

Attaché:  Governor!  The monkey is showing his ass!

Governor Cheng:  What kind of monster would shave my eyebrow?

Governor Cheng: Is that really the royal fan?
Chief Fox: I had the honor of being struck by it!

Fei Hung [to himself]:  Wow.  My kung-fu is pretty good.

Wong Kei Ying: A strong man sheds blood before he sheds tears!

Fei Hung [staff fighting] : “Rod that Sweeps Away Injustice!”  “A Strong Force Flows From North to South!”
Monk:  Don’t let him chant!  No chanting!

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Shaolin Soccer
• Legend of Drunken Master
• Kung Fu Colt Master

“Fine, don’t believe me. Just wait until he kills you!”

The Scoop: 1984, R, directed by Michael Winner and starring Rachael Kelley, David Allen Brooks, and Rocco Sisto

Tagline: First he tried to kill Mom. Now he’s after me. But no one believes me!

Summary: Typical teen angst story of  a girl who’s parents try to murder her.

Heather’s Rating: It’s great to make friends. It’s greater to make friends who find joy in unleashing their B horror movies on your unsuspecting soul.

Heather’s Review: Actually  this movie is more like a D horror movie. It’s the kind of movie where you have to take a shower afterward to get all of that thick, residual layer of stupid off. Also, I believe that I can now thank my friend for my most esoteric review to date. And I watched Santa’s Slay, for Pete’s sake.

I picked my friend up for a simple, innocent trip to the local winery. Little did I know that afterward she would spring upon me one of the funniest abominations on mankind to have been created. We riffed on this piece of dung from beginning to end. This movie. Oh, this movie. It hasn’t been released on DVD (both a shame and a blessing); has the kind of laugh-out-loud acting, plot, and scenes that make for the best of riffing; and is home to a slew of atrocious music.

Of course, atrocious music is not unexpected in a B horror movie. When one has a score that is even remotely preferable to digging around in one’s ear with a rusty spoon is when such a movie’s music is notable. It’s the odd fascination I’m noticing with the movie’s soundtrack, rather than the movie itself, on the internet that I can’t wrap my brain around. Look this movie up on IMDB: decidedly lacking. Try to find it on Youtube? HA. You make me laugh. Google video, even? Just a regular Google search then? Nary a mention.  Oh, but you just look this sucker up on Wikipedia and you’ll get more information than you could have ever thought someone should know about the soundtrack. Said article won’t lead you to any information about the movie, mind you. There’s no article on it. Guess how much the confused, inconsistent, sometimes-screeching and usually porn-ish CD will set you back on Amazon?

Go ahead, guess.

No, really.

One hundred and sixty-six dollars and twenty-one cents.  $166.21. Yes, folks for a minimum wage worker’s weekly pay you, too own something most people would only pay $20 for, at most. They just can’t be talking about the same movie. And yet….that young pair of eyes peeping through blinds on the CD cover is straight from the same embarrassing venture.

And that brings me back ‘round to the actual movie!

Christie Cromwell suspects her stepfather Paul of trying to murder her and her wealthy mother. She narrates this to us in the opening scene with the same concern as one might point out a piece of lint on one’s shoulder. Key the dramatic screeching noise from our beloved soundtrack! Those first few guffaw-inducing seconds set the tone for a movie full of over-the-top dialogue delivered with the kind of charisma and sincerity that smacks of a cast stuffed with a steady supply of sedatives.

To be honest, if I were Christie and her mother I wouldn’t show any worry over the stepfather/husband Paul, either. That guy has to be the world’s most ineffective murderer on the planet; bumbling through ill-conceived attempt after ill-conceived attempt on his family’s lives and openly “cavorting” with his lover/accomplice, not bothering to shut the blinds or even the windows of his very visible meeting places.

Which brings us to the cover of that soundtrack; Christine was supposedly attempting to gather incriminating evidence against her stepfather. Instead she  spent so many scenes staring through blinds at her stepfather and his other woman in the act that I began to question whether my friend and I were watching a horror movie or a recording of fetishist voyeurism

I can’t end this review without mention of the ridiculous character of Josh Daley; boyfriend of Chrstine’s best friend and, immediately upon said friend’s death, Christine’s boyfriend. This dude has some seriously unique ideas of how to “help” a friend with her grief. Josh Daley, with his cable-knit opaque sweaters and ridiculous overacting had me laughing so hard that I thought I couldn’t catch my breath. That is, until dude freaking tackled himself at full gallop through a glass door, without breaking stride, to save the whiney Christine. Man, I think my friend and I probably rewound that part so many times we wore out the already struggling VHS copy.

If you consider yourself even a slight fan of bad horror you owe it to yourself to buy this from Amazon. You don’t own a VCR? Don’t care. Buy a VHS…they’re only about five dollars now so just do it. The furrowed brows of your local Best Buy dealer will be worth it in the end, I promise you.

Hi daddy. How's it goin'? Little to the left....

Didja Notice?:

• Josh’s assertion that Christine nearly caused that crash, when he witnessed the car not responding? COME ON,you idiot!

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

Only to point and laugh.

Groovy Quotes:

Christie: Sounds like someone was banging on the pipes. Paul: Oh, well it must have been me. I was in the study doing paperwork.

Janey: It’s because you’re still a virgin that you’re so upset.
Christie: I’m upset because my stepfather just tried to kill my mother.

If You LikedThis Movie, Try These:

• Battlefield Earth
• Manos: The Hands Of Fate
• Anything by MST3K

“Help! Help! I’m being repressed! Come see the violence inherent in the system!”

The Scoop: 1975 PG, directed by Terry Gilliam & Terry Jones and starring Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Eric Idle and Michael Palin

Tagline: And now! At Last! Another film completely different from some of the other films which aren’t quite the same as this one is.

Summary: Monty Python, that wacky British street gang, travel old England in search for the Holy Grail and a sorcerer named Tim

Sue’s Rating: Is there anyone who hasn’t seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail? Aside from my parents, I mean. And a few of their friends. And Farmer Dave from next door. Oh, and Captain Johnson.

Sue’s Review: Seldom do I let anyone escape a review without the obligatory forced march down memory lane, so come along with me (if ye dare) back to a dimly lit family room in a nice suburban house in Chester County, Pennsylvania. The year is 1983. The hour is late enough that my parents have already hit the proverbial hay (which was probably a good thing) and my sister and a few friends are preparing to watch a movie on our brand new state of the art VCR. Enter the annoying, but persistant younger sibling. Moi. And imagine that younger sibling’s initial befuddlement when faced with opening credits written in what appears to be Swedish… and that the credits involve justifiable violence committed by a moose. Until the credit writers were sacked.

And I, the least among them, laughed my friggin’ head off.

So began a young waif’s (well, maybe not so young or waifish. I was fifteen.) initiation into the world of cult movies in general and Monty Python in particular.

Now flash forward several (eek!) decades to just a few days ago. It was a morning at work, like many other mornings. The daily books were done, the lottery sheets added up, the coffee brewed, the glass doors de-finger-smudged, a few shelves dusted and the day’s headlines perused… all by seven-thirty. (Which is about the same time Kyle probably starts thinking about going to bed.) In my hand, I had a cup of Life’s L’il Elixir (16 ounces of Vanilla Nut java with three creams and two sugars) and I was chatting idly with one of the coffee klatch regulars, a law enforcement officer who I have come to refer to affectionately as “the gun-toting atheist.” (He doesn’t seem to mind too much. At least, he hasn’t hosed me down with pepper spray or written me up for a 10-96. Yet.) During the course of our conversation, which had meandered in the direction of a proposed expansion of a local charter school, I inadvertently used the phrase, “tract of land.” As the words left my mouth, my train of thought derailed and burst into the flames. Hesitating, I winced and muttered under my breath, “Ergh, Monty Python moment.” Immediately, and to my complete surprise, he bellowed with perfect inflection, “HUUUUUUUGE TRACTS OF LAND!”

Wow! You just don’t expect that from someone who is quite dapperly (and officially) attired like the very model of a modern Major-General.

Later, I related the incident to my offspring, Spawn of Mutant 1 and 2 as we dined lavishly at the local Pizza Hut. (SoM2 prefers the pasta. Snob.) In the manner of their teenaged stream-of-consciousness kind, SoM1 launched into a monologue pertaining to the air-speed velocity of the African versus the European Swallow (laden and not) while his sister sighed and reflected dolefully about “poor tortured cats.” From there, we held a retrospective on the instruction manual for the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. (Book of Armaments, Chapter 2, verses 9-21) There are times when I am just… so gosh darn proud of my children. *sniff*

Is there a point to all of this? Does a European swallow’s wings flap forty-three times a second? Well actually, no, but that’s beside the point.

All of this, I think, serves to illustrate the magic of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. To watch this movie is to join a fraternity of sorts. You can’t necessarily tell at first glance who your fellow members are, but they pop up every so often and say Ni again to you, if you do not appease them, to fart in your general direction and to ask you trick questions about your name and favorite color.

They… that is to say, WE are out there and WE are a force to be reckoned with. That’s the essence of a fine cult film and Holy Grail is arguably the finest ever made.

In fact, I am convinced that when the chips are down, and when the team is up against it, and the breaks are beating the boys, and you cry out, “I want…. A SHRUBBERY!” you will hear the unmistakable clopping of many non-migratory coconut shells retreating into the distance to the upraised chorus of “Run away! Run away!”

It’s beautiful when you stop to think about it. Just beautiful.

Want a second opinion?  Check out Justin, PoolMan and Lissa’s reviews here!

Bugs flips out

Didja Notice?

• Cat abuse!
• I’ve always loved how the musical soundtrack cut off in the middle of the first Black Knight fight, which makes the sounds of combat so much more funny
• The Black Knight was first played by John Cleese, but when Arthur cuts off the man’s leg, a real one-legged actor (a local silversmith) was used.
• Most of the castles were cardboard cutouts, and indeed the trailer shows one of them falling over.
• A shrubbery is British slang for a hooker, giving the whole Knights who say Ni scene a double meaning
• When Tim the Enchanter gives the “eccentric performance” about the ferocity of the rabbit, there is a large amount of spit that comes flying out of his mouth. [thanks Jared]
• When Sir Bedevere asks the villagers why witches burn, you can see the villager on the left (Eric Idle) start to crack up. To keep from giggling, he bites onto his scythe. [thanks Jared]
• The picture of Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film is actually Michael Palin’s son, William. [thanks Jared]
• If you watch the monks hitting themselves on the head carefully, you can see one of the monks in the back stagger after hitting himself. [thanks Pat F]

Groovy Quotes

French Soldier: I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

Bedevere: What makes you think she’s a witch?
Peasant: Well she turned me into a newt!
Bedevere: A newt?
Peasant: I got better.
Crowd: BURN HER ANYWAY!

Dennis: Help! Help! I’m being repressed! Come see the violence inherent in the system! Violence inherent in the system!

Bedevere: …and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana shaped.
Arthur: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep’s bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

King of Swamp Castle: We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.
Prince Herbert: But I don’t like her.
King of Swamp Castle: Don’t like her? What’s wrong with her. She’s beautiful, she’s rich, she’s got huge … tracts of land.

Tim: Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.
Arthur: What an eccentric performance.

Knights of Camelot: [singing] We’re knights of the Round Table, we dance whene’er we’re able. We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impec-cable, We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. / We’re knights of the Round Table, our shows are for-mi-dable. But many times we’re given rhymes that are quite un-sing-able, We’re opera mad in Camelot, we sing from the diaphragm a lot. / In war we’re tough and able, Quite in-de-fa-ti-gable. Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable / It’s a busy life in Camelot [solo] I have to push the pram a lot.

King of Swamp Castle: Look Alice…
Prince Herbert: Herbert!
King of Swamp Castle: Herbert…

Minstrel: [singing] Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to being mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes carved out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecap split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis…
Sir Robin: THAT’S, that’s quite enough, Minstrel.

Minstrel: [singing] Brave Sir Robin ran away, bravely ran away away. When danger reared his ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled. Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about, he turned his tail, he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. A brave retreat by Sir Robin.

God: What are you doing now?
Arthur: Averting our eyes, oh Lord.
God: Well, don’t. It’s just like those miserable psalms, always so depressing.

King of Swamp Castle: This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let’s not bicker and argue about who killed who.

Arthur: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
French Soldier: No, now go away before I taunt you a second time.

Black Knight: Have at you!
Arthur: You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine.
Black Knight: Oh, had enough eh?
Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard. You’ve got no arms left!
Black Knight: Yes I have.
Arthur: Look!
Black Knight: Just a flesh wound!

French Knight: You don’t frighten us, English pig dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called “Arthur King,” you and all your silly English K-nig-hts.

Arthur: I am your king!
Woman: Well I didn’t vote for you!
Arthur: You don’t vote for kings.
Woman: Well how’d you become king then?
[Angelic music plays...]
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king!
Dennis: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin’ in ponds distributin’ swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!

Dennis: Oh, but you can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!

Dennis: Oh but if I went ’round sayin’ I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they’d put me away!

[The King gestures to the window.]
King of Swamp Castle: Some day, lad, all this will be yours.
Prince Herbert: What, the curtains?

Knight 1: We are now no longer the Knights who say Ni.
Knight 2: NI!
Other Knights: Shh…
Knight 1: We are now the Knights who say… “Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG! Zoom-Boing! Z’nourrwringmm!”

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Monty Python’s Life of Brian
• Monty Python’s Meaning of Life
• Excalibur

“Nobody digs your music but yourself!”

The Scoop: 1984 R, directed by Albert Magnoli and starring Prince, Apollonia Kotero and Morris Day

Tagline: None

Summary: Two crazy kids are struggling with their dreams of becoming singers, and a little thing called love, in that music capitol of the world – Minneapolis, Minnesota.

Eunice’s Rating: Purple Rain is a good album. Even today it’s still pretty solid. What’s that? “What about the movie?”…

Eunice’s Review: You know it’s a good thing you don’t have to be a good movie in order to be a cult movie. Because this one’s bad, and rarely in the fun way.

This is a singer vehicle and usually the protagonist in such a movie would be an underdog with a heart of gold struggling to make it in the biz, and end up finding love both for themselves and others while playing up the their vocal talent and getting in some positive press. But this is where Purple Rain sets itself apart. You see our main character here is The Kid played by Prince, and Prince seems determined to prove that giant egomaniacal jack asses can come in small packages. A jack ass who kinda puts off a serial killer vibe. He whines and divas and tantrums and bullys his way through the whole movie. We learn his band’s about to walk out on him because he’s a paranoid jerk. Which won’t matter anyway as he’s about to lose his gig at a hot club because he doesn’t want to be successful (You see he’s one of Lissa’s Bohemians). Instead of him needing to stick to his own music and be true to himself, the message here is his music sucks and he should listen to everyone else. Personally, I think that last one is funny and at least different.

Our female lead is Apollonia, played by Apollonia (pronounced “Apple own ya’”). For some reason she’s left New Orleans, bypassed Nashville, and opted out of going to either New York or LA to start her music career. Maybe it’s some sort of Minneapolis in the 80s thing I’m missing, but I suspect she just threw a dart at a map. In any case, she finds herself broke and trying to get her big break at the same club as The Kid. He does his hottest creepy weirdo impersonation and woos fair lady’s heart.

Honestly, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen chemistry this bad, and the middle school level acting and script doesn’t help. For their first date he pulls a horrible prank on her, the second he shows her his parents making out before taking her down to his love nest in the basement of said parents’ house (I can’t make this up), and the third one he smacks her. To give an idea of how hot their banter is, here’s a sample piece of seductive dialogue:

“Who gave it to you?” “A person.” “Male or female?” “Huh?” “You’re lying, I can tell just by your reaction you’re lying. So you gave it to me, it’s not yours anymore.”

Rowr.

But, wait, what about the rest of the movie? Well, almost no one can act (Clarence Williams III is the exception), there are leaps of logic so big you’d need an Olympic gold medalist to jump them, the writing isn’t only awful but repetitive (and I’m not talking just about the flashbacks), and while I realize technically the directing is probably worse it’s the jumpy editing that really stands out… which is the problem.

Also, the movie suffers from schizophrenia. It’ll segue from the comedic antagonists doing an homage to Abbott and Costello’s ‘Who’s on First’ routine to a straight faced scene of domestic violence. You’re obviously supposed to root for The Kid, but he’s such a douche. The movie is about showcasing the music, but it takes itself so seriously and has all these characters and plotlines that go nowhere. It’s too dark to be funny, and too goofy to be a real drama, and too mean spirited for either.

So is there anything good about it? It has a great soundtrack. Um, it’s a very 80s time capsule. Morris is actually pretty funny. Erm, Apollonia’s amazing breasts. Lots of purple, you know, if it’s your favorite color. That’s all I got.

Just stick with the soundtrack.

And this was BEFORE he got weird

Didja Notice?

• An early, simpler, version of the unpronounceable symbol that Prince changed his name to during his dispute with Warner Bros. Records is painted on the side Prince’s motorcycle’s gas tank.
• Everyone except Prince is called by their real names? Always a sign of excellence.
• Most of the songs were recorded live.
• Staring holes into the back of someone’s head from three inches away is, like, totally smexy?
• For all the slapping around going on in this movie nobody ever has any bruising?
• I’m not a guy, but I’m not sure it’s wise having someone who you’re fighting with that close to your crotch.
• The old church lady rocking out to Apollonia’s set?
• No blood by the outline? Oh, wait, there wouldn’t even be an outline.
• Morris’ quiet moment in the hallway at the end.
• Purple Rain! *breaks out lighter*

Groovy Quotes

Morris: Your lips would make a lollipop too happy.

Matt Fink-The Revolution: God got Wendy’s periods reversed. About every 28 days she starts acting nice. Lasts about a weekend.

Morris: I have a brass… waterbed.

Dad: You got a girlfriend?
The Kid: Yeah, I got a girlfriend.
Dad: You gonna get married?
The Kid: I don’t know.
Dad: …Never get married.

Apollonia: Where’s Jerome?
Morris: In his skin!

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Graffiti Bridge
• Cool as Ice
• Rock Star

“Mom, I’ll call you back. The day’s repeating.”

The Scoop: 1993 NR, directed by Jack Sholder and starring Jonathan Silverman, Helen Slater and Jeremy Piven

Tagline: Every day at a minute past midnight the sci-fi adventure begins… again.

Summary: Man gets stuck in an infinite time loop, resolves to solve the issue the only way a MAN can — duct tape!

Justin’s Rating: Time keeps on slipping, slipping into the future…

Justin’s Review: Barry Thomas isn’t having a great day.  His boss demotes him, his best friend pulls a string of practical jokes on him, and he falls in love with a girl who’s gunned down after work.  But that’s not the worst part – the worst part is that Barry’s stuck in an endless time loop (or “time bounce” as the movie puts it), doomed to repeat the same day over and over again.  Nothing changes, except that Barry, for reasons unknown to him, can remember it all.

Sound a bit familiar?  A bit… Groundhog Dayish?  Or pretty much from every science fiction show ever made?  Time loops are a standard scifi plot that writers can’t resist pulling out of the dusty box of tropes, mostly because it’s usually interesting to watch, and it’s very easy on the budget.  12:01, a TV movie on the Fox network, might not be the first nor last to use that sort of plot, but it had the incredibly unfortunate luck of releasing the same year as the immensely popular Groundhog Day, which had the cool time loop theme AND a groundhog AND Bill Murray on its side.  12:01 had Jonathan Silverman (Weekend at Bernie’s) and a Martin Landau.  Which is sort of like a groundhog, just older.

Overshadowed though it was, 12:01’s made a comeback in the cult circuit, mostly due to the fact that it’s pretty funny and clever in its own right.  While Groundhog Day posed a zen-like situation of repeating a day endlessly for no real reason, 12:01 is essentially a mystery movie with several unknown factors that are gradually uncovered over the course of the repeating 24 hours.  Barry may have begun the first day as a feckless loser, but his transformation to confident, determined hero is more gratifying to watch than Bill Murray take piano lessons.

While it could’ve been played pretty straight, the charm of this film lies with Silverman and Jeremy Piven, who both add a lot of memorable zingers (”Don’t think that I can’t do it — I’m in personnel!”) and hilarious little moments.  What’s more is that both my wife and I thought we had the whole mystery figured out early on, only to have our expectations dashed as the film threw a few clever twists in here and there.  It’s also a zippy 94 minutes, so no “500 days later…” delays here.  Straight on to the good stuff!

The only thing that fell short was the romance, which should’ve been the central hook but was flat from start to finish.  It went from the girl absolutely hating on Barry at the beginning to him being able to woo her with a series of stalker-like statements that “only she knows” by the final days, and his continued professions of love and adoration came across as a silly schoolboy crush more than Twue Wuv.

It’s certainly not better than Groundhog Day, and may be a tired scifi staple, but 12:01 is sharply crafted, and deserves your hot, sweaty hugs and completely inappropriate nuzzles.

ED-209 -- now in cute clock form! I want one!

Groovy Quotes

Barry Thomas: Mom, I’ll call you back. The day’s repeating.

Lisa Fredericks: [amused] Where are you usually locked up?
Barry Thomas: Oh, I’m just an experiment gone horribly awry in the Personnel Department.
Lisa Fredericks: I see. I’m Lisa Fredericks.
Barry Thomas: I’m Barry Thomas.
Lisa Fredericks: [not sure how to take him] What is it that you do?
Barry Thomas: Oh, nothing. I just sort of boost morale in between threats of being fired.
Lisa Fredericks: Ah. Well, you seem to have a mind. That doesn’t usually fit in this system. Nice to meet you.

Barry Thomas: You know what’s funny? If today was really today, I woulda quit by now.

Lisa Fredericks: Are you saying that you, that we, I mean – Did you get lucky? Oh my God. You got lucky!
Barry Thomas: You got lucky, too!

Barry Thomas: The Time Bounce. We’re in it. The Earth has stopped as we know it. Children don’t grow up. People don’t stay dead. We’ll never have another holiday, and you’ll never see another flower bloom.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Groundhog Day
• Run Lola Run

“In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil’s might, beware my power… Green Lantern’s light!”

The Scoop: 2009 PG-13, directed by Lauren Montgomery and starring Christopher Meloni, Victor Garber and Michael Madsen

Tagline: Beware His Power

Summary Capsule: Fearless test pilot Hal Jordan inherits a power ring that lets him do damn near anything, but first must undergo training with shifty hardass Sinestro. Nothing bad could possibly happen.

Drew’s Rating: “And I shall shed my light over dark evil, for the dark things cannot stand the light, the light of the Green Lantern!”

Drew’s Review: Historically, Green Lantern has been one of DC Comics’ foremost b-listers. You have the Big 3 (Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman), who are untouchable and will never die or go away for long. Beyond them lie the second tier characters like Aquaman and Green Arrow, the ones whose names are recognizable but who aren’t as sacred cows, meaning they can actually die, lose limbs, or be replaced for extended periods of time. Sitting at the very top of that list have traditionally been two names: Green Lantern and the Flash. The Brave and the Bold. In recent years DC has made a major push to have Green Lantern take his place with the big boys in hopes of creating another franchise character, and as part of that we have Green Lantern: First Flight, GL’s first animated movie. (Incidentally, the Flash has just started what looks to be a similar revitalization, so don’t be surprised if 2011 brings us “The Flash: Starting Line” or something.)

Obligatory background: Green Lantern was one of DC’s first superheroes, but the end of the ’40s saw all of them except Supes, Bats, and Wondy cease publication. A decade later, someone at DC decided to borrow the names of the old “mystery men” and update them into streamlined, space age heroes for a new generation, giving us sleek police scientist the Flash, shrinking physicist the Atom, aliens Hawkman and Hawkgirl… and Green Lantern, a test pilot who was chosen to join a galactic police force run by the Guardians, immortal aliens dedicated to keeping peace throughout the universe. By charging his power ring once every 24 hours, Hal Jordan could fly and create anything his mind could imagine, but the ring carried an impurity that made it vulnerable to the color yellow. Periodically other Green Lanterns would temporarily replace Hal: John Stewart, the token angry black guy who overcame his 2-dimensional roots to become a well-rounded character. Guy Gardner, who damaged the part of his brain that controls how much of a douchebag you are and at one point had the bright idea to take the most powerful weapon in the universe off his finger and challenge Batman to a fist fight. (Hint: this became known as the “one punch” incident.) Kyle Rayner, the lucky punk who inherited a magic ring by accident when Hal went insane, but (some would say) eventually rose to the challenge. All did respectable tours of duty, but the best known and most popular Lantern remains Hal, and he’s the focus of our movie.

Like any superhero with five decades of history, Hal’s early days have been retold many times and altered by degrees along the way, like a literary version of Telephone. What Green Lantern: First Flight tries to do is simplify things, jettisoning the parts that don’t work and dispensing with his origin within the first 5 minutes, allowing the rest of the film to focus on his training and early struggles in the Green Lantern Corps. Thus the movie plays out like a hodge podge of several early GL stories, with rookie Hal assigned to veteran Sinestro, the greatest Green Lantern of all, to learn the ropes of ring slinging and investigate his predecessor’s murder. Yes, that’s right – the Guardians, displaying the infinite wisdom accrued over countless millennia, have elected to put a guy named “Sinestro” in charge of the most powerful army in the universe, presumably because there’s no way that could backfire. Surprisingly it does, as Hal discovers that Sinestro maintains order with an iron fist and secretly despises the Guardians, thinking them too weak to truly effect change. After obtaining a yellow ring (and a power battery shaped like the Death Star), Sinestro openly defies the Guardians and lays waste to the Corps. All seems lost, but if only there were some brash young hotshot who’s a bit of a rebel himself, but with enough morality to still fight for what’s right. Wait, you don’t think…?

In a rare moment of frankness, I’ll just come out with it: I thought the film was pretty good, but definitely started stronger than it finished. This is largely due to its strange habit of oversimplifying some elements of the Green Lantern mythos while simultaneously overcomplicating others. Why would Sinestro bring his power battery into battle with him rather than hiding it somewhere safe, since he can create any weapon he wants with his ring? (For that matter, why does it bear a black GL symbol? Sinestro’s not a Lantern anymore, and his uniform gets a new emblem.) We don’t ever see the Green Lanterns recharging their rings before the climax, so the concept of them running out of juice may come out of left field for some viewers. And good grief, could the Guardians be bigger pusses? These are the immortal demigods who power 3600 interstellar policemen, and the best they can do is shoot some vaguely wavy energy and save their own useless troops from falling to their deaths? Why does Hal want to join these losers again? Go back to the Air Force, Jordan, they have REAL badasses there.

I realize this “review” has been about 60% history lesson, 40% actual review, and I don’t know, maybe I’m just burned out on animated superhero movies. (It’s not just me, there have there been a lot of them lately, right?) Regardless, First Flight was enjoyable but just didn’t bring it home at the end. It hurts to say that because I have a lot of time for Hal as a character, but this is not his best story. Like I said, it isn’t a bad film – the animation is impressive, they got some really talented voice actors, and the first 2/3rds really works for me. But it doesn’t capture the mood and intensity of the Batman animated features, nor the grandeur of the Justice League cartoon. It also invites unfavorable comparisons to both the “In Brightest Day” episode of the Superman cartoon, which told a Green Lantern origin story that’s nearly as thrilling in a third of the time, and Justice League: The New Frontier, which depicts the origin of a more fleshed-out Hal, but set against the backdrop of the greater DC universe. Stacked up against those examples, First Flight unfortunately falls a bit short. I’d still recommend you see it, but maybe as more of a rental or a discount buy. So says the Green Lantern!

Didja Notice?

• It is maybe the coolest thing ever that Ch’p, the squirrel Green Lantern, made it into the movie. The only thing better would’ve been G’Nort, the incompetent dog… thing.
• Arisia appears in a minor role, seemingly an adult. In the comics, Arisia (a humanoid alien) became a Green Lantern at age 13, but due to having a crush on Hal Jordan, subconsciously used her power ring to age herself to full adulthood, and she and Hal eventually dated. It was exactly as creepy as it sounds.
• I know it’s just a cartoon, but the scene where Sinestro basically forces drugs on an alien prostitute to make her talk is still pretty uncomfortable.
• Anyone notice how similar Sinestro’s philosophy is to Sean Connery’s from The Untouchables? “They pull a blaster, you pull a power ring. They send one of yours to the hospital, you send one of theirs to the morgue. That’s the Korugar way.”
• Hey, Red from That ’70s Show is Kanjar Ro! “Sinestro, I swear, if you betray me I’ll put my foot so far up your ass…”
• Wow… they actually showed a guy getting sucked out into the vacuum of space through a tiny hole. No blood, but still.
• Okay, so there is some blood. This movie is definitely for teenagers, not kids. In the comics Green Lantern rings were until recently programmed not to allow the use of lethal force, but clearly that’s not the case here.
• The part where Sinestro reanimates a dead corpse and plies it for information is also quite creepy. Way to earn that PG-13!
• Scratch that again, there’s a LOT of blood. We’re a long way from the days when a trickle of AB positive from Batman’s mouth was all the blood the Animated Series team was allowed to use for an entire season.
• Apparently to staff their ultimate police force, the Guardians have been recruiting heavily from preschools, ladies’ auxilary clubs, and chess teams. Seriously, one dude makes 20 Green Lanterns look like total chumps? Sinestro’s supposed to be the best Green Lantern, sure, but better than all of the others combined?
• The whole levitating rocks thing isn’t helping people not compare you to Yoda, Ganthet.
• What does it say about me that I’m more surprised by the use of the word “bastard” than all the violence and blood?
• I could live without the heavy anime influence. Getting pwned with just your “regular” superpowers and having to absorb a mysterious energy source to turbocharge you is a little too Voltron, and there’s no reason Hal freakin’ Jordan should be doing a power ring Hadoken in space. Giant green boxing gloves will do just fine, thank you.

Now you've seen what countless naive young secretaries have seen: Hal Jordan's O face

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

Nope.

Intermission!

The Green Lantern was the brainchild of Martin Nodell, who later retired from comics and went into advertising, creating the Pillsbury Doughboy. Drawing inspiration from the story of Aladdin, Nodell came up with Alan Scott, an engineer who found a strange green railroad lantern that spoke to him, claiming to have been fashioned from a meteor that struck down in ancient China. It instructed Scott to carve a ring out of its base, which he did, finding it allowed him to fly, shoot force blasts, pass through solid walls, and do pretty much whatever his writer wanted, limited only by a vulnerability to wood. Dressing himself as a gay pirate under the theory that a bizarre costume would ensure criminals never forgot him (really), Scott found success as both a solo adventurer and a founding member of the Justice Society of America, the very first superhero team. But his popularity waned by the late 40s, to the extent that he didn’t even appear on the last two covers of his own comic, being replaced by Streak the Wonder Dog. (That’s embarrassing.) As mentioned earlier, Hal Jordan was created a decade later with no connection to the original Green Lantern, but eventually Alan and other Golden Age characters were reintroduced to the DC universe. Though he has never been a member of the Green Lantern Corps, today Alan continues to fight crime and mentor the next generation as one of the elder statesmen of the Justice Society.

It isn’t really made clear in the film, but in the DC Universe green is the color of willpower, which is what Green Lanterns draw on to make their rings work. The rings are vulnerable to yellow because it represents fear, which is what every Green Lantern must be able to overcome. In recent years Sinestro has created his own Corps to oppose the Lanterns, armed with yellow rings like his own. While Green Lanterns are chosen based on their ability to overcome great fear, Sinestro Corps rings are given to beings capable of instilling great fear in others. One yellow ring sought out Batman, who rejected it; another was offered to the Scarecrow, but Batman and Green Lantern prevented it just in time. The Sinestro Corps displayed their originality in coming up with the following oath:

In blackest day, in brightest night,
Beware your fears made into light
Let those who try to stop what’s right
Burn like his power… Sinestro’s might!

Groovy Quotes

Hal: I’ll tell you, Carol, it’s quite a sight up here. All those stars, the blue water… reminds me of that night in Cabo. Remember?
Carol: Hal, stay on the flight.
Hal: A lot of sangria that night. Boy, could you put it away!
Carol: Hal!
Hal: I don’t know how we ever made it back to the hotel–
Carol: Hal, you’re at 91,400 feet. Ten feet higher, the window cracks and you’re tapioca.

Ranakar: I’m afraid the human race of Earth does not have the most stellar reputation. The fact is humans are crude, base, fearful and untrustworthy.
Random Guardian: And then there’s the smell…

Hal: So what now?
Sinestro: Now, I own your ass.

Sinestro: Unlike the others, I like humans. I admire their spirit, and their natural contempt for authority. It’s well founded here.

Sinestro: You defied me!
Hal: You could’ve killed her.
Sinestro: Let me tell you, “friend.” The only way to operate out here is by fear. They hit, I hit harder. They attack, I annihilate. I am the one constant, unassailable force against their chaos, and you made them forget that!

Ganthet: The Green Lantern Corps is an ideal, Sinestro. You don’t save it by ignoring what it stands for.

Sinestro: I could use someone like you who has the stones to get things done. While the gnomes banish you, I offer you power, more power than you can imagine. All I ask for is your loyalty.
Hal: Now, you see, you had me… right up until that last part.

Weaponeer of Qward: The weapon is a mighty force. The most powerful and absolute in your universe. With one exception. One… slight… imperfection.
Sinestro: What?
Weaponeer: The imperfection every weapon has. Its user.

Sinestro: Frankly, Kilowog, you weren’t going to survive this anyway.

Hal: In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil’s might, beware my power… Green Lantern’s light!

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Justice League: The New Frontier
• Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman
• Training Day

The Scoop: 2009, PG, directed by P.J. Hogan, and starring Isla Fisher, Hugh Dancy, and Krysten Ritter

Tagline: All she ever wanted was a little credit…

Summary Capsule: Pretty girl shops too much, writes about saving money, and falls in love along the way. Yeah, you men know you want to see this one.

Lissa’s Rating: If only getting a writing job was really that easy….

Lissa’s Review: So, we live near this mall. The King of Prussia Mall. It’s not just any mall. It’s a huge, giant, hundreds-of-stores mall. And, like lots of girls, I enjoy shopping so I go there when I get a chance. But this mall is different from the ones I grew up with. This mall has the designer stores: Louis Vitton, Hugo Boss, Gucci, Hermes, Coach, and Neiman Marcus, to name a few. You know- the kind where there are only a few items on tasteful display and when you walk in, the salesladies kind of look at you and wonder “what the heck are you doing in here?” (Or at least, that’s what I imagine they’re wondering.) Granted, I never go into these stores, with one big exception.

Neiman Marcus has the nicest bathroom in the entire King of Prussia mall. It also has a mothers’ room, with comfy chairs and places to sit, and a low traffic flow. And the toilets are generally clean. It’s a great place to set your bare butt or to feed a baby, and it’s my bathroom of choice, followed by the ones in Nordstrom’s and Bloomingdale’s- two other stores I never actually patronize. Anyway, whenever I walk through Neiman Marcus to get to their mecca of a bathroom, I find myself glancing at price tags, just for the fun of it. And as hard as I’ve tried (which, admittedly, is not very hard), I’ve never found anything with less than three digits before the decimal place.

I have to confess, I don’t get it. I mean, I do get why people spend more than my mother would on clothes. My mom would die if she ever knew how much I spent on bras, but a good bra makes all the difference in the world. I’ll pay reasonable money for jeans, or for a coat, and I will always get the best running shoes possible, no matter what the price tag says. And I appreciate that some stores sell better quality merchandise than others. However, even when I go to the King of Prussia mall determined to spend a little money on myself, nine times out of ten I end up back at J.C. Penney’s.  I certainly don’t understand how people could spend hundreds or even thousands of dollars on an item of clothing (erm, unless it’s a wedding dress).

The thing is – and this is a fairly ugly confession – I do judge women by the clothing they wear. I see a woman in designer clothing, and I’m almost positive we will not be friends. I’ve made progress on this – there was a time I was convinced every woman in designer clothing was a Mean Girl. But I’ve learned that’s not true, and now I’m just convinced that we won’t have much in common. There is a definite stereotype that comes with high fashion, and I certainly follow it, whether it’s right to do so or not.

So Confessions of a Shopaholic already had one big strike against it: I wasn’t sure I’d be able to empathize with the heroine. Strike number two was that it was a romantic comedy. I have nothing against a good romantic comedy, but those elusive beasts are few and far between. And strike three was that it was a total chick flick, so getting my Y-chromosomed husband to watch it was completely out of the question. But he traveled and I needed a girly fix (and a movie to review), so I bought it from On Demand, grabbed some chocolate, and watched.

It was an odd movie. The basic premise is that Becky (Isla Fisher), an aspiring fashion journalist, gets a job writing a column for a financial magazine. Her column becomes incredibly popular because she actually writes about money in terms that non-economists can understand, despite the fact that she doesn’t take any of her own good advice. Becky is a shopaholic, and that dependence on shopping actually impacts her life in terms of debt, her relationships, and her career. And, of course, as this is all a romantic comedy, mushed in with all this is the fact that she meets the man of her dreams.

As a romantic comedy, frankly, it sucks. I can suspend disbelief to a point, but I couldn’t here. A girl gets involved with her boss and everyone smiles indulgently? No one ever points out to either of them what an incredibly bad idea this is? And of course we have the obligatory misunderstanding, the bonding montage, the dramatic reclaiming (although it wasn’t so bad on that one)… it just… no. Everything you hate about romantic comedies? It’s here.

But.

Confessions of a Shopaholic is two movies rolled into one, and if they’d cut out the romantic comedy part and kept the parts about Becky actually being a shopaholic and addicted to the thrill of acquisition, it could have been a reasonably good movie. I know an addiction to shopping seems laughable, but as someone who’s battled with compulsive eating for years can tell you, not all addictions are gritty and needle-injected or alcoholic. But I have to admit, I kind of snorted at the idea of shopping being an addiction as well. Then I started listening to what they were saying, and I started getting it. Shopping isn’t an addiction for me, but I certainly have those days when I feel like only a brownie can make me feel better, and it does… for a few minutes. And then it wears off and if you aren’t careful, the urge comes back again and again and again… So yeah. I really, really got that part of the movie, and it was fairly well done.

In addition to the addiction storyline, I really, really liked the friendship between Rebecca and her best friend Suze. Aside from the fact that they actually acted like friends, I actually kind of really liked both girls. Suze (Krysten Ritter) comes across as a ditz but genuinely sweet and truly caring for her friend Rebecca, and Rebecca is just… I mean, I didn’t want to like her. I totally want to mock her, I really do. But Isla Fisher has this odd charm that’s half Clueless-era Alicia Silverstone, half Amy-Adams, and she’s really kind of funny and adorable and I can’t quite point and mock because she really did do a good job.

But although there was some good in here, the romance part really kind of overwhelmed it. I found myself cringing in horror more often than I was laughing, and I am quite sure I will forget this movie very quickly. (At least, there are parts that I’m really hoping so.) If you’re a fan of the book, it might be worth it to you, but otherwise, give this one a pass, even if you’re looking for a girly movie. There are definitely better ones out there.

Cruella D'Ville's dream coat finally hits the stores.

Didja Notice?

• Rebecca’s insult of the Finnish advertiser is actually quite clever. If he says she mistranslated what he was saying or that she’s lying, it’s hard to know if he’s telling the truth or covering his own behind.
• There are actually some funny spots. Wow.
• John Goodman and Joan Cusack make a very entertaining married couple.
• But apparently she had her daughter when she was 14.

Is It Worth Staying Through the End Credits?

Nope

Groovy Quotes:

Rebecca Bloomwood: When I was 7 most of my friends stopped believing in magic. That’s when I first started. They were beautiful, they were happy. They didn’t even need any money, they had magic cards.

Rebecca Bloomwood: When I shop, the world gets better, and the world is better, but then it’s not, and I need to do it again.

Rebecca Bloomwood: Men like you are the reason I left Finland.

Rebecca Bloomwood: They said I was a valued customer. Now they send me hate mail.

Tarquin: Why do so many of your excuses involve Finland?

Rebecca Bloomwood: Because nobody checks up on Finland, Tarkie.

Graham Bloomwood: Your mother and I think that if the American economy can be billions in debt and still survive, so can you.

If You Liked this, Try:

• Clueless
• The Devil Wears Prada
• Legally Blonde

“That Castle’s a slippery one”

The Scoop: 2008 R, directed by Lexi Alexander, and starring Ray Stevenson, Dominic West and Julie Benz.

Tagline: Vengeance has a name.

Summary Capsule: Ex-Special Forces instructor–not FBI agent–living in New York–not Miami–turns blood-soaked vigilante after his family is murdered by the mob.  Chunks ensue.

Justin’s Rating: He’s got a license to brutalize

Justin’s Review: You have to feel a little sorry for the Punisher (aka Frank Castle), no matter whether you approve of his heavy-handed homicidal method of justice or not.  The guy’s never been at the top tier of Marvel, sometimes existing to provide more uppity superheroes reason to sniff their noses in disdain for his brutal tactics.  He’s also had a horrendous streak in the movie theaters as well: 1989’s Dolph Lundgren did no favors to the franchise (and even nixed the P’s famous shirt), 2004’s Thomas Jane installed no awe as he fought (polite cough) John Travolta, and 2008’s Ray Stevenson got saddled with a gory underdog of a film that grossed barely $10 million.  There may be a place in the Marvel universe for The Punisher, but he’s yet to rest his weary head on the pillow of success for movie-goers.

It’s sad that the apex of his career might’ve been a team up with – of all people – Archie.  Yes, <i>that</i> Archie.

Other than being less-than-lackluster in theaters, all three Punisher flicks have something else in common: none of them are related in any way to the others.  Three films, three “reboots” of a sort.  Punisher: War Zone is probably the most faithful to the source out of them all – using the comic’s origin story (told in flashbacks), along with the classic villain Jigsaw – but its bottom-of-the-barrel acting and splatterpunk nature make it hard to care.  Yeah, that guy just punched through that other guy’s head, but where’s the characterization?

About as far from superheroes as one can get, the Punisher stalks the streets of NYC and takes down organized crime faster than Spider-Man can brush his teeth in the morning.  Cops consistently turn a blind eye to his activities because, hey, vigilantes rock!  Am I right, or what?  I mean, who needs all that pesky paperwork and Miranda Rights when you can just unleash a mentally unstable Special Forces vet on the scum of the town?

During a particularly gruesome bust, Punisher accidentally kills a FBI mole (cue angry coffeemug throw of regret in his lair three scenes later) and creates an arch-nemesis by throwing a baddie into a glass grinder.  That does NOT do any favors for one’s face, I might add.  The remainder of the movie is born of these actions: Punisher tries to make up to the widow for his little boo-boo, and Jigsaw (glass grinder guy) enlists all of the gangs of the city in an attempt to squash Frank Castle and good.  Lots of shootouts, bang bang, the end.

Probably the most bizarre aspect of PWZ (which I pronounce “pweeze?”) is that the daughter of the slain FBI agent all but adopts her father’s killer as a replacement.  Every scene she’s in required the screenwriters to ignore all they knew about human emotions and relationships, for the kid never really cries, nor reacts to her mom pulling a gun on Castle, doesn’t scream, and starts making puppy eyes on the big guy with the guns like she’s putting herself up for adoption.  It’s about six miles past Creepy and almost to the town of Whattheheck?  The wife/mom isn’t much better – she gets one scene of acting all indignant, but then fails to kill Frank when she has the chance, and becomes a mindless potential kidnappee from then on out.

If you are in the mood for action and don’t mind a lot of Karyo syrup slucing everywhere, then Punisher: War Zone will fit the bill as long as you don’t ask anything more of it.  It’s all technically well-done and the plot is easy enough to follow, but… sheesh.  The lot of them need acting classes.  Punisher comes just as stilted as Steven Seagal, just perhaps a bit more chunky.  Jigsaw and the rest either maniacally overact or plod through the script as if it’s a particularly repugnant chore.  I’d have rather seen Punisher square off against of some of Marvel’s so-called “good guys” than this Scarface reject.

Want a second opinion?  Check out Kaleb’s review here.

Didja Notice?

• Hooray for glass crushers with no safety guards, bars or covers
• All asylums should look straight out of a Halloween set, even if they’re in the middle of suburbia
• Her mom’s about to shoot a guy and the daughter just sits there coloring?  Wow, that’s a little oblivious.
• The little kid’s a klepto, too
• Kids are easily impressed by snowglobes
• Has that kid even shed one tear for her dad’s death before she latches on to her dad’s killer as a replacement?

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

Nah.

Groovy Quotes

Budiansky: Which drawer?
Soap: What?
Budiansky: The alleged Punisher murders.
Soap: …All of them.

Looney Bin Jim: You look fantastic, brother.

LBJ: Did you know kidneys and applesauce are a delicacy in Sweden?  Did you know that?
Yes… yummy yummy yummy in my tummy tummy tummy.

Angie: Step the f__k away from my little girl.
Grace: Mom… that’s a dad word…

Micro: Let him go, Frank.
Frank: You know this piece of s__t?
Micro: Ex-piece of s__t.
Frank: Yeah, he’s a regular choir boy.
Carlos: F__k you, cracker.
Micro: Language!

LBJ: Evenin’ officers.
Cop: Is everything okay in there?
LBJ: No… everything is not okay.

Budiansky: You mind explaining to me how a handcuffed criminal escapes custody from the back
of your locked car?
Soap: That Castle’s a slippery one.

LBJ: Reeowr.

LBJ: Hey, I “axe”d you a question!  You don’t answer, guess I’ll have to “axe” it again!

Budiansky: Interesting choice for a meeting place.  Didn’t take you as a religious man, Castle.
Frank: Yeah well… an eye for an eye.
Budiansky: If I remember right, they’re not called the Ten Suggestions.

Soap: Now I’ve got brains splattered all over me!

Father Mike: Why do you do this?
Frank: Somebody has to punish the corrupt.
Father Mike: “…for in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
Frank: Matthew… 7:2.  I’m okay with that.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• The Punisher
• Rambo (2007)
• Death Wish(es) one through seventeen.

The Scoop: 2009 PG-13, directed by Stephen Sommers and starring Christopher Eccleston, Channing Tatum and Sienna Miller

Tagline: When All Else Fails, They Don’t

Summary Capsule: G.I. Joe gets the boot… a reboot, with Destro trying to eat all the metal in the world and Duke joining the Joes for the first time (wait, isn’t he supposed to be the leader?).

Kyle’s Rating: If I hadn’t walked out of the theater at 1 a.m. I would have ran right to the store for some G.I. Joe action figures!

Kyle’s Review: I’m pretty sure your enjoyment of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra will be heavily predicated upon your personal history of play with the iconic G.I. Joe line of toys. If your immediate response to that is “I never played with them!” feel free to ignore both this review and the film itself; it’s not so much you don’t deserve to enjoy either as it is I can’t imagine there being much entertainment there for you. I personally had fun with the film, though I never intend to see it again. But I don’t see why a weak action film in the vein of The Mummy and Van Helsing would hold any interest for you if you never cared enough to at least buy a Snake Eyes figure that came with Timber.

While I respect Justin’s opinion, I don’t necessarily agree with his analysis of certain pop culture legacies being defined primarily by their cinematic incarnations. If anything, more and more people are aware of the fact that the movie versions tend to be total bastardizations of the source material, and are willing to take advantage of sales and cheap prices on DVDs and reissued/re-imagined toys to see just what all the fuss was about in the first place with things like Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and now GI Joe. The crappy movie adaptations are gateway drugs to the original material, not definitive capstones.

Regarding the film, though: you could have thrown darts at random choose-your-own-adventure plot twists pinned to a wall and arranged your hits in any order to come up with a more intriguing story than what ROC here gives us. Stephen Sommers has proven time and time again he can start up a story that dutifully follows an action-packed straight line from beginning to end credits, but has never displayed any sort of playful deviation or nuance that would render such a work memorable. You can follow who is who, dialogue and actions make it painfully obvious who is good and who is bad, and any potential subtext gets utterly drowned in pyrotechnics and declarative dialogue. This is not a subtle film in the slightest, nor does it require much in the way of brain processing. For being a film that is supposed to kick off a film series, supposed to leave us at the end wondering just what the nascent Cobra organization is planning to achieve next, I’m not sure many theatergoers are leaving showings looking forward to a sequel. Or even the DVD release of this one, for that matter.

Not to be anti-American, but when I was playing with my GI Joes, some funny things tended to happen. Namely, the forces of Cobra won more often than not. The world was never enslaved, and all prisoners were freed and reclaimed, but Cobra usually fulfilled their objectives despite Joe resistance. That is, they managed to procure the big missiles, destroy the Joe’s base of operations, and secure the downstairs leather couch as their domain. My Joes were battle-savvy and determined, but Cobra was just way more wild with their strategy and willing to risk everything to ever be completely defeated. Plus, hooded Cobra Commander, the Baroness, and Destro were clearly the biggest brains on the playing field; no Joe other than Snake Eyes could hope to compete with their far-reaching plans, and even Snake Eyes’ lightning wit pertained more to wits in hand-to-hand combat than grand strategies.

No film version, especially in these times, is going to be so cavalier and allow Cobra to maintain the upper hand for the majority of the running time. I suppose there is a touch of wish fulfillment in seeing G.I. Joe as a global strikeforce with a massive technological marvel of a home base, indicating a world where at least the best of the best are able to work across borders and stereotypes to strive for a better world. But again, Sommers is not the director who can infuse a film with the silver lining of such an implication, nor is he adept enough to balance or overshadow such an idea with the looming world-dominating threat Cobra can and should present. It would be an interesting film where Cobra is constantly on the verge of either taking over the world or destroying it, and GI Joe is the only thing just barely keeping them in check. But this one is not that in the slightest, and I can’t imagine us getting a (at least live-action) such film anytime soon. Our only hope: a new animated series or direct-to-DVD extravaganza! Here’s hoping!

Didja Notice?

• To “weaponize” a nanite warhead means to shoot it with lasers until it becomes glowy.  It’s pretty much like throwing a burrito into a microwave.
• What can a huge fat Bhudda guy teach anybody about being a ninja?  Apparently not much, since he gets stabbed by a six-year-old.
• If your team gets arrested by the French police, then you might as well disband as a unit.  There’s no going back after that point.
• This movie needs to cut ALL of its flashbacks, thankyouverymuch.
• Am I the only one who thought the advanced COBRA guns shot like the Stormtroopers’ blasters set on stun from A New Hope?  Am I that geeky?
• Brendan Fraser!
• Guess Cover Girl wasn’t slated for the sequel…

Groovy Quotes

General Hawk: Technically, we don’t exist. We answer to no one. And when all else fails, we don’t.

Duke: Ok, that was crazy… What happened to you?
Ripcord: I went through the train. What happened to you?
Duke: I jumped over it.
Ripcord: [pause] You can do that?

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• G.I. Joe: The Movie
• G.I. Joe PSAs
• Transformers

I decree that this particular DHD be a tribute to all those MST3K moments that, whether or not they make us laugh, surely make us scratch our heads and wonder if we’ve just been mentally violated.

Because these moments really should be seen, rather than read about, I tried very hard to get working video clips of each Insane Moment. All episodes are available on DVD,  so make sure to go out and buy these fantastic creations so that you may enjoy them in all their glory.

Everyone drag out your hallucinogens and your tie-dyed T-shirts, ’cause we’re about to go on a trip as I present:

Six of the Most Insane MST3K Moments!

#6. Joel terminates the Holo-Clowns

This is a short skit at the beginning of episode 406, Attack of the Giant Leeches. It’s a carry-over from the last episode where Joel had set up a clown sequence to cheer up the ‘bots (clowns played by Kevin Murphy and Mike Nelson). Unfortunately the clowns have been clowning nonstop for three weeks, when three minutes of clowns is more than enough. The whole crew is at their breaking point and Joel is cutting them loose because “it’s getting hard to sleep at night and [he's] tasting metal”. For most of us just the mere mention of the word “clown” could make us regress into a vegetative state. Stick Mike Nelson in there as a clown who’d rather bludgeon you with his shoe than look at you and things take on a whole other level of pants-wettingly scary. Finally Joel succeeds in cutting the wires controlling the Hex Field, amid anguished screams from the clowns and horrified screams from the crew. Just start this baby up and let ‘er play through the one and half minutes of credits before you’re dunked into the acid bath of terror.

Taste the metal…

Warped Quote: “Hey, little girl…would you like a salted nut roll?”

This is on a website called Furries For Life...why, Google Image Search? Why?!

#5.  Cowboy Mike’s Own Original Red-Hot Rick-o-SHAAAAYY Barbecue Sauce

This daft bit hails from the underdog episode 612, Starfighters-a movie about abso-freaking-lutely nothing but jets refueling. It’s a testament to the genius of the show’s writers that they were able to make anything remotely watchable out of this. No worries…the not-so-brave need not sit through this one to enjoy the hilarious BBQ-sauce skit. As with the Holo Clowns act, we’re thrown right into a snake pit of crazy when Dr. Forrester opens the episode trying to introduce Mike and the bots to his newest invention which consists of some wires strung from his head to Frank’s.  He barely gets started when Mike breaks in with a growling dare to take on some of Mike’s ricochet barbeque sauce. Mike’s down-turned Elvis mouth, the (literal) ten gallon hats he and the bots are wearing, the hats getting “shot” off every time they scream “Rick-O-SHAAAAYYYY”, and Crow’s hilarious screeching of the word “BOOOOOLLLD!” all make this one of my favorite skits.

This skit has nothing to do with anything. It just is. Enjoy

But Clay, do you think it might be….bold?

Warped Quote: “There is no known antydote for new Extry Bold Mike’s Own Original Red-Hot Rick-O-SHAAAAAYYYYY Barbecue Sauce!”

#4 The Ugly Side of the Orville Redenbacher Empire

No. Just....no.

There’s nothing quite like the awkward feeling one gets witnessing a good old dysfunctional family breakdown. The tension in the air, sweat breaking out on your brow, eyes darting towards the nearest exit as the years of bottled up mental anguish and family hate boil toward the surface and threatens set the whole house aflame and you with it. Ah good times, good times. And now, thanks to the friendly crew at MST3K, you can relive those moments over and over with our next insane moment: The Orville Redenbacher Skit.

Like the BBQ sequence, this one really has no purpose or reason other than to serve your brain a healthy glass of WTF (now part of this complete breakfast!). Tom and Crow, never ones to shy away from their truly unique and terrifying form of LARPING, act as Orville’s reluctant heir and the aging popcorn mogul, respectively. Tom, as Orville’s grandson, tries repeatedly to carry on with a commercial for the popcorn and ignore Crow, who heckles and belittles him. The scene escalates into screaming and Tom’s bitter tears before Joel finally steps in and ends the madness, to the relief of all.

You can find this host segment in episode 212, Godzilla vs. Megalon, about an hour and twelve minutes in.

Awaiting you to shed this mortal, pock-marked coil!

Warped Quote: Tom: “….and our new Popcorn Au Gratin has new real cheese flavor!”

Crow: “Good, you should get used to it ‘cause you’re gonna be eating a lot of cheese….government cheese!”

#3 Joel and the trip-tastic Pod People scene

Oh, my friends. If you haven’t seen this episode then you are missing out on what I think is one of the best pieces of work the MST3K group has done. This movie is just one insane moment, but what really took it over the edge what starts out with a kid teaching an alien to play, and ends with the alien turning the child’s room into a Peter Gabriel video. Clothes fly through the air, shoes scoot in and out of the closet, and a Simon Says jitters around the floor like a demonic Roomba …all to the beat of some moronic circus-type music. Fun!

Around an hour and thirteen minutes in we see Joel and the ‘bots playing out the maddening scene for themselves. The camera swings in and out nauseatingly as random objects and a screaming Tom float up and down, Joel jogs and turns in place, and a banana whizzes past the screen, all to the tune of that darned catchy circus dreck. Ever once in a while we cut to the ‘Mads, who can only stare, mouths agape and speechless at what’s happening. We know, guys. We know.

'Cause they never do anything out of the ordinary.

Huzzah!

Flying bananas!

Warped Quote: “Trumpy, you can do stupid things!”

#2 Mike and the ‘bots dabble in children’s television

Numero dos has the list’s only entry featuring Pearl, Brain Guy and Bobo. In episode 811, Parts: The Clonus Horror, finds our space travelers carting along some space orphans acquired in a previous episode. They are vicious little terrors, to the point that Pearl finally asks Mike to help her. Unfortunately for her, she asks him to act out some children’s programming to keep the brats busy. You must know that this is a bad, bad idea.

Things begin well, with Mike and the ‘bots performing a sickeningly sweet Sesame Street type of program teaching the kids about “A” and “3”. This (and the well-timed arrival of “fruit leathers”) placates the children and Pearl attempts to sneak off. Just when she’s almost made it, things take a horrifying turn. The SOL crew quickly switches to Espanol and jiggle around amidst disco lights in junk-scrunchingly tight silver spandex.

The children, and our souls, weep openly.

You’re in molasses swamp!

Warped Quote: “Aqua.”      ………….       “Aqua!”

Stop it, MST3K, just stop it!

#1. DON’T GIVE MIKEY NO MATCHES!

You’ve made it to the end, my friends. Together we have braved dancing furniture, soulless clowns, BBQ sauce…a journey like this deserves the highest of awards: You’re about to have your brain punted right out your skull. Then stomped on. With dull cleats.

There is just nothing in this skit that doesn’t make you want to laugh out loud and simultaneously rip out your eyes out. It’s that freakish. In episode 623, Amazing Transparent Man, we find Frank and Dr. Forrester opening a bed and breakfast together (the less said about this, the better). In an effort to add some local color and charm to the atmosphere, they forcefully enlist the help of their captives and have them dress up in “quaint” country folk apparel. Let us for now and for always remember that one never, EVER should ask these guys for help.

What ensues could easily be a scene from Deliverance, with a little Wrong Turn thrown in. Kevin Murphy, Mike Nelson, and Trace Beaulieu were just brilliant as the tyrannical farmer, slack-jawed idiot, and…”pet”….llama? Everyone plays this scene to ultimate creepy perfection, and I have to say this is some of the best puppetry I’ve seen from Trace, ever. Okay, I’m sorry but this one really has me speechless. Just watch it, regardless of what you have to do. I promise it’s not a segment you’ll easily forget.

Just don’t blame me for your psychiatrist’s bills.

Touch this smelly ‘ole llama!

Warped Quote: Everything everyone says.

“None of you understand! I’m not locked in here with you! You’re locked in here with me!”

The Scoop: 2008 R, directed by Zach Snyder and starring Billy Crudup, Malin Ackerman and Carla Gugino.

Tagline: They watch over us… but who watches them?

Summary Capsule: Alan Moore’s ‘unfilmable’ magnum opus gets filmed.

Justin’s Rating: Up, down and all around the place!  …that’s not a very good superhero slogan.

Justin’s Review: There really are two completely separate audiences for this film, represented by my wife and I:

AUDIENCE #1 (played by me): Has read the Watchmen comic… er, GRAPHIC NOVEL several times, appreciates its intricacy, was somewhat worried about the adaptation of an “unfilmable novel”.

AUDIENCE #2 (played by my wife): Was asked to see this “superhero movie” and went in expecting the same sort of intensity and fun of other PG-13 superhero flicks.  Ended up cowering behind her fingers at the graphic brutality, the depressing tone, and the 180-degree shift from traditional superherodom.  Also ends up saying, “What the HELL was that all about…?”

Now, there’s probably an even smaller subset of Audience #1 that I also belong to, the “I’ve read Watchmen enough times to understand it, but I’m not really sure if I LIKE it” group.  We tend to be a quiet sort, because Watchmen fans are some of the most rabidly illogical followers you’ll tend to find in geekdom.  Their shrines to Alan Moore pulse in anger at any slight change from the comic to the movie, and they are always, always on the prowl for ignorant savages to preach to – possibly with fists – about the perfection that is this book.  I’m just not those guys.  It’s like English classes, where they made us read a ton of “classic” novels from way back when.  Some you like, some you don’t, and many you’re apathetic about.  You understand why you have to read them and understand their place in literature, but there can be a league of difference between understanding and head-over-heels love.

I say all this because when I start pecking away at what’s being accurately called “The Big Blue Penis Movie”, I want you to appreciate where I’m coming from.  Audience #1A, represent!

As a film, Watchmen is many things.  It’s remarkably faithful – with certain notable exceptions – to the graphic novel, probably far more so than any fan had any right to demand.  Director Zack Snyder set himself up for a lose-lose situation (or did he?) by trying to balance the expectations of the fans with the blank slate presented by the larger portion of the audience.  Cuts had to be made.  Changes had to be made.  Some of the visuals could remain, some were updated for 2009 sensibilities.  But by and large, the story remained intact, a murder mystery/conspiracy that serves as a vehicle for examining why people might dress up to be “costumed avengers” – and whether or not these “heroes” might also be quite psychologically disturbed.

Before the awesome opening credits slam down on us, a superhero is brutally murdered in his apartment by a stranger – a small drop of incident in an alternate 1985 USA where Nixon is still president and nuclear war is about to become a reality.  A bit like how Twin Peaks’ Laura Palmer was the catalyst for unraveling the dark, quirky secrets of that small Washington town, this murder is all it takes for the seedy underbelly of masked adventurers to be exposed.

Watchmen wasn’t so much about superheroes who have great power – in fact, only one character in the film, Dr. Manhatten, has any power beyond technology and fists.  While an accident turned him into a being with god-like powers who’s almost completely disconnected with humanity, the rest of an old hero squad (superheroes having been outlawed in the 70’s in this world) are just guys and girls who are pretty messed up in their own way, but ultimately trying to do the right thing.

There’s the uncompromising Rorschach, who is easily the highlight of the film with his constantly-shifting inkblot mask and absolute anger toward immorality; Silk Spectre II, a pretty thing in vinyl who’s trying to live up to the family legacy; Ozymandias, who’s traded in his superhero legacy for a commercial empire; The Comedian, a brute who is both completely despicable and also sympathetic; and Nite Owl II, a chubby has-been who misses the good ol’ days of crime fighting.  Some have retired from this second life, some have not, but all get drawn into events that quickly spiral out of control.

Snyder deserves praise for creating a visually stunning film and for not compromising, at least for certain parts (although, inexplicably, they caved when it came to a female smoking – guh???).  If nothing else, this is not a film that was run through the Hollywood template, cleaned up for family-friendly PG-13 funtimes.  It might’ve gotten into a couple scrapes with the template, but I think its soul survived just fine.  As I said before, they really were damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t with much of the movie, and the fact that it kept me thinking about it a few days afterward – even though, as with the novel, I’m not sure whether or not I liked the film – means that they did something right.

There is plenty to complain about, from both audiences’ perspective.  For Audience 1, the changing of the ending, while perhaps easier to plug into movie format, created a sterile, blah finale to what was in the book a stunning denouement.  For Audience 2, the most egregious failing is that it’s simply far more gratuitous than it – or the novel, but they wouldn’t know it – had to be.  The violence is ratcheted up to a point where action scenes are absolutely wince-inducing, and oh my the bad sex scenes.  Zack Snyder did the same sort of drawn-out, gratuitous nudity sex scene in 300 that he does here, where he’s about three heartbeats and a bad music score away from pure porn.

For both audiences, the final sin might well be that this is too long of a movie that fails to really make an emotional connection with those watching it.  You don’t really sense the fear of nuclear holocaust, many of the characters fail to become real, and the direction keeps veering wildly between gory action, somber pontification, and depressing atmosphere so that you simply don’t end up with anything.  It’s a monolith of a film that falls through the cracks in your fingers as you try to handle it – something impressive, no doubt, but failing to be any one thing as it tries to be everything.

So, passing grade on Watchmen, and at least we can put it all behind us.  Oh, and give Rorschach his own spin-off, please!

So... you're the Joker now?

Didja Notice?

• Ozymandias’ German accent when he’s not in public?
• How much Nite Owl and Silk Spectre look like Clark Kent and Lois Lane?
• Tears for Fears “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” playing in Veidt’s lobby?
• Doc Manhatten’s package? Yeah, if I was packin’ that much heat, I’d walk around naked all the time too.

Intermission!

Nathan Fillion was considered for the roles of The Comedian and Nite Owl.Darren Aronofsky and Paul Greengrass were both previously scheduled to direct.

The first official image from director Zack Snyder – a test shot of Rorshach holding The Comedian’s button – was actually hidden in a trailer for Snyder’s previous film, 300. It features the film’s associate producer, Wesley Coller, wearing a makeshift mask in front of a composite New York backdrop, and was created as an experiment by Snyder to establish the mood and look of his proposed Watchmen project. Snyder’s wife, Deborah Snyder, bet him $100 that no one would discover it, while he was convinced that someone would find it almost immediately. He won.

Groovy Quotes

Nite Owl: At least I’m not the one still hiding behind a mask.
Rorschach: No, you’re hiding in plain sight.The Comedian: Here I am spilling my guts to my arch enemy. Truth is, Moloch, you’re the closest thing I have to a friend. What does that say?

Silk Spectre: Breaking into a national security prison is not the same thing as fighting a tenement fire.
Nite Owl: You’re right. It’s more fun.

Lee Iacocca: And we all know ‘free’ is just another word for communist.

Rorschach: Funny story. Sounds unbelievable. Probably true.

Rorschach: You keep calling me Walter. I don’t Like you.
Dr. Malcolm Long: Oh… why not?
Rorschach: You’re Fat.

Rorschach: None of you understand! I’m not locked in here with you! You’re locked in here with me!

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• 300
• Sin City
• Wanted

“No school like the old school.”

The Scoop: 2004 PG, directed by Brad Bird and starring Craig T. Nelson, Holly Hunter and Jason Lee

Tagline: Save The Day

Summary Capsule: More than a decade after superheroes went into hiding to avoid litigation and public condemnation, one super-powered family is forced to save the world, and in doing so teach us all what it means to be a superhero.

Drew’s Rating: In fairness, Kid Miracleman did the “sidekick gone bad” schtick years ago. Of course, he destroyed London; Syndrome will just give you a chocolate-covered pretzel and a lecture about karma.

Drew’s Review: In a recent article, Lissa made the quite accurate observation that as a group, the Mutant Reviewers have… well, gotten older. Oh, I like to think we still skew toward a younger audience, and thank God for that, because who else is going to influence the Plan 9 From Outer Space-watching cult fans of the future? Harry Knowles? Don’t make me laugh. And we keep a few youngsters on staff at all times for Kyle to leer at. But it’s an inescapable fact that the site begun by two college students now has a median staff age in the late 20s if not early 30s. New father Justin barely has time to crank out three reviews a week anymore. Lissa ceased watching horror films, her favorite genre, and now reviews solely Pixar movies and anything that can be DVRed. And no one’s seen PoolMan since his retirement, though the MRFH kitchen is always well stocked with soylent green.

So it got me thinking about the changes in my own life since coming on board. When I became a staff member I’d been dating a girl from work for less than a year, with college just barely in the rearview mirror. These days I still say “dude” a lot and wear my hat backwards, but my girlfriend is now my wife of three years, we have a 9-month-old daughter, and even though I’m still young (28, thank you very much) and most of my friends remain single and jobless, there’s no denying that my circumstances have changed.

Which brings us in a roundabout way to The Incredibles. In 2004, I saw the movie because I like the Fantastic Four and because Pixar can always be counted on for an entertaining movie. And I was entertained, but I walked out of the theater without feeling a particular connection to any of the characters. They were perfectly likable, they just didn’t especially embody anything I was going through. But a funny thing happened when I watched the film again recently: I found myself identifying with Mr. Incredible. Sure, our situations aren’t identical: I only have one child and she’s Jack-Jack’s age, rather than Bob’s brood of three. Despite averaging 10 pounds heavier than in my college swimming prime, I don’t think anyone would call me fat. And there’s the minor “no superpowers” angle, if you insist on bringing it up. But if I’m not exactly in Mr. Incredible’s shoes yet, I can at least view them in the not-too-distant horizon.

And what are Mr. Incredible’s circumstances? Simply put, a world that seems to have passed him by. The man who once jokingly griped that he wishes the planet could just stay saved for a while is now faced with forced retirement… and even worse, a world that hasn’t ended without him. As much as he might complain about how hard he works in practices and games, no player wants to be put out to pasture before he’s darn well ready, and Bob isn’t. He loves his family, but wife Helen seems far too accepting of their new status quo, daughter Violet echoes the classic teenage girl refrain of just wanting to fit in, and son Dash bristles over not being allowed to use his powers in everyday life. What’s a former all-star to do with his whole life ahead of him and no outlet for his talents? For most of us the answer is, “Hang out with old teammates, relive the glory days over a few beers, and play some increasingly pathetic pickup games.” So it is with Bob as well, but when an opportunity arises to get back in the game, he grabs it… an opportunity that before it’s finished will drag his wife and kids into the fray as well. But you know what they say: the family that combats the forces of evil together, stays together.

There’s not a lot I can say that hasn’t been covered by the other Mutants, so I’ll just reiterate that the animation is superb, everything you’d expect from Pixar. Likewise, the voice casting is pitch perfect- I never once heard Coach Hayden Fox coming out of Mr. Incredible’s mouth, Craig T. Nelson really makes the role his own. Holly Hunter does that spirited but pragmatic wife routine even better than in Raising Arizona, and I hope whoever thought of casting Jason Lee as the smarmy, thinks-he’s-cleverer-than-everyone villain got a large bonus. Samuel L. Jackson sounds a little weird not swearing every fifth word, but I’ll give him a pass. The film moves along at a pretty good pace, and the final action piece excites even if the antagonist itself is a bit underwhelming, just a robot sphere with tentacles. By the way, you can tell I’m a superhero geek because during the final fight, my mind wouldn’t stop coming up with ways for the good guys to destroy it given the powers at their disposal. (Violet creates a force field inside the robot then expands it outward, crushing the internal mechanisms. Dash tries every combination of buttons on the remote in half a second. Frozone freezes the robot’s metal outer layer, making it brittle enough for Mr. Incredible to shatter with one punch. Dash grabs his mom and winds her around the robot’s tentacles, making it topple like an AT-AT.)

As I mentioned, I liked but didn’t love The Incredibles when it first came out because it entertained but seemed lacking in as resonant a theme as some of Pixar’s past offerings. What a difference a few years makes, because I now think that theme is one I just wasn’t in a place to appreciate back then. It’s still not my absolute favorite of the company’s movies, but it’s one I eagerly look forward to watching with my daughter and any other children I may someday be blessed with, as I start them on the long road to datelessness and comic collecting. (You laugh, but if your daughter were as cute as mine, you’d be looking for ways to keep her dateless too.) And for any college students reading this and scoffing at old man Drew, here’s a sobering calculation for you: elapsed turnaround time from graduation to meeting soulmate, getting hitched, and ultimately becoming a parent? 6 years, 5 months, 15 days. Tick, tick, tick…

Drew, this is your life

Didja Notice?

• Mirage tells Mr. Incredible that he’ll be briefed on his second mission in conference room A-113. The number A-113 is a frequent Pixar in-joke based on one of the room numbers for the animation program at Cal Arts.
• Syndrome’s facial features are based on those of the film’s director, Brad Bird.
• In the beginning of the film, when a robber is going through a woman’s purse on the roof of a building, a Mr. Incredible Pez dispenser can be seen among the items scattered on the ground.
• Inside Bob’s cubicle is a “danger” sign. The image is the lightning bolt of Captain Marvel (SHAZAM!), using the red of his uniform instead of the gold. It is in the distinctive shape of the Marvel family (Captain Marvel, Mary Marvel, Captain Marvel Jr., and Black Adam), not that of the various Flash costumes. When Mr. Incredible gets his fancy new car, the emblem on the hood is in the triangular shape of the Golden Age Superman’s symbol. The black ray-like vehicle that delivers Mr. Incredible to the island is a reference to the Black Manta, an enemy of Aquaman and member of the Legion of Doom. And Gazer-Beam is a direct reference to Cyclops of the X-Men.
• The story takes place in a city called “Metroville”. It’s a combination of “Metropolis” and “Smallville,” respectively the cities where Superman lives and was raised.
• The ending scene – with the Underminer emerging from the earth – is an homage to the Fantastic Four’s first enemy, the Mole Man.
• Among the superheroes shown listed in the Kronos database are Universal Man, Psycwave, Everseer, Macroburst, Phylange, Blazestone, Downburst, Hyper Shock, Apogee, Blitzerman, Tradewind, Vectress, Gazerbeam, Gamma Jack, ElastiGirl, Frozone, and Mr. Incredible.
• Syndrome’s unusual way of walking was supposedly inspired by a Pixar employee who someone had noticed had a very strange walk and commented on it. His or her attempts to curb the strange walk were the basis of Syndrome and his “purposeful” walking style.
• When Mr. Incredible first meets Buddy he struggles to remember his name, calling him Brodie at first. Jason Lee, who voices Syndrome, made his big screen debut playing comic book-obsessed character Brodie Bruce in Mallrats.
• The whole anti-capes joke may be a nod to a flashback in Watchmen, where Dollar Bill got his cape caught in a revolving door at a bank robbery and was gunned down.
• Wallace Shawn (Mr. Huph) and John Ratzenburger (The Underminer) both make it into the movie in small roles. They’ve both been in every Pixar movie to date (with the exception that Shawn was not in Finding Nemo).
• So… where did all the supervillains go when the heroes were forced underground?
• Definitely Pixar’s most violent movie to date. Several henchmen and at least one major character die over the course of the film.
• The move Bob and Helen use to save Jack-Jack is called the Fastball Special. It was pioneered by Wolverine and Colossus of the X-Men, wherein the latter would pick the former up and hurl him at an enemy.

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

They certainly look cool, with lots of stylish superhero-esque figures appearing and stirring music playing. Sure, what, are you in a hurry or something?

Intermission!

As with other Pixar productions, the original trailer for this film featured animation made specially for the trailer and not appearing in the final film. It was directed by Brad Bird 18 months before the release of the movie.

John Barry was originally hired to score the film but left the project after recording only a few demo themes.

In order to give Dash a realistic out-of-breath voice, Brad Bird made Spencer Fox run laps around the studio.

The little boy on the tricycle is named Rusty, this is never revealed in the film except for the credits and a comic in Disney Adventures Magazine.

This is the first time Pixar has used only human characters in a film.

The theme from the James Bond film On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, composed by John Barry, is used in the previews for this film. The version used in the first trailer is from the CD “Bond: Back in Action” (Escape From Piz Gloria and Ski Chase). The second trailer uses the remix by David Arnold featuring The Propellerheads as it appears on the 1997 albums “Shaken and Stirred – The David Arnold James Bond Project” and “Decksanddrumsandrockandroll”; this second trailer also uses the song “The Planet Plan” from the album “3rd Perspective” by United Future Organization.

Edna, the costume lady, is based on Edith Head, who worked as a studio costume designer on hundreds of movies over more than fifty years.

Brad Bird originally conceived this as a conventional cel-animated film when he pitched it. The cel-animated sequences seen in the End Credits are a representation of his original concept.

I know they're meant to be heroic, but God help me, those black masks make them look like 1) raccoons, and 2) criminals. Maybe something in red?

Groovy Quotes

Mr. Incredible: No matter how many times you save the world, it always manages to get back in jeopardy again. Sometimes I just want it to stay saved! You know, for a little bit? I feel like the maid; “I just cleaned up this mess! Can we keep it clean for… for ten minutes?!”

Mr. Incredible: Bomb Voyage.
Bomb Voyage: Monsieur Incroyable!

Helen: I love you, but if we’re going to make this work, you have to be more than Mr. Incredible.

Violet: Normal? What do you know about normal? What does anyone in this family know about normal?
Helen: Now wait a minute, young lady-
Violet: We act normal, Mom, I want to be normal! The only normal one is Jack-Jack, and he’s not even toilet trained!

Lucius: So now I’m in deep trouble. I mean, one more jolt of this death ray and I’m an epitaph. Somehow I manage to find cover and what does Baron von Ruthless do?
Bob [laughing]: He starts monologuing.
Lucius: He starts monologuing! He starts this, like, prepared speech about how feeble I am compared to him, how inevitable my defeat is, how the world will soon be his, yadda yadda yadda.

Bob: What are YOU waiting for?
Little Boy on Tricycle: I don’t know. Something amazing, I guess.
Bob: Me too, kid.

Bob: It’s not a graduation. He’s moving from the 4th grade to the 5th grade.
Helen: It’s a ceremony.
Bob: It’s psychotic! They keep creating new ways to celebrate mediocrity.

Bob: Are you saying that we shouldn’t help our customers?
Mr. Huph: The law requires that I answer “no.”

Edna [to Mr. Incredible]: My God, you’ve gotten fat.

Mr. Incredible: You mean you killed off real heroes so that you could pretend to be one?
Syndrome: Oh, I’m real all right. Real enough to defeat you! And I did it without your precious gifts. Your oh-so-special powers. I’ll give them heroics. I’ll give them the most spectacular heroics the world has ever seen! And when I’m old and I’ve had my fun, I’ll sell my inventions so that everyone can have powers. Everyone can be Super! And when everyone’s Super… no one will be.

Edna: Supermodels. Hah! Nothing “super” about them – spoiled, stupid little stick figures with poofy lips who think only about themselves. Feh! I used to design for GODS!

Syndrome: Oh no! Elastigirl? You married ELASTIGIRL?!? [sees kids] And got biz-ZAY!

Lucius: Honey? Where’s my super suit?
Honey: What?
Lucius: Where – is – my – super – suit?
Honey: I, uh, put it away.
Lucius: Where?
Honey: Why… do you need to know?
Lucius: I need it!
Honey: Don’t you think about running off doing no derrin’-do. We’ve been planning this dinner for two months!
Lucius: The public is in danger!
Honey: My evening’s in danger!
Lucius: You tell me where my suit is, woman! We are talking about the greater good!
Honey: Greater good? I am your wife! I’m the greatest good you are ever gonna get!

Evil Henchman Watching TV News: Every time they run, we do a shot!

Old Man #1: Did you see that? That’s the way to do it. That’s old school!
Old Man #2: Yeah. No school like the old school.

Underminer: Behold, the Underminer! I’m always beneath you, but nothing is beneath me! I hereby declare war on peace and happiness! Soon, all will tremble before me!

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Galaxy Quest
• The Specials
• Mystery Men

“Make the call.”

The Scoop: 2009 PG-13, directed by Stephen Sommers and starring Christopher Eccleston, Channing Tatum and Sienna Miller

Tagline: When All Else Fails, They Don’t

Summary Capsule: G.I. Joe gets the boot… a reboot, with Destro trying to eat all the metal in the world and Duke joining the Joes for the first time (wait, isn’t he supposed to be the leader?).

Justin’s Rating: The other half of the battle are really big lips.  Tell no one!

Justin’s Review: First things first: if at no point during a film does the panicked phrase “COBRA retreat!” spout from any enemy’s mouth, it’s not a G.I. Joe movie.  It may walk like a Joe, squawk like a Joe, but it’s an imposter Joe at the core.  Not to say that Stephen Sommers didn’t make the most of a promising franchise revival in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, because for a bad film, it’s actually fairly watchable – and it has enough Joe qualities in it to keep the hardcore fans from rioting outright.  And it teaches us new things about ice, such as the fact that it sinks if it’s big enough!  Whoda thunk it?

Like many a geek who grew up loving various cartoon and movies in the 80’s, I’m a mixture of appalled and attracted to Hollywood’s neverending attempt to refashion them into a lucrative revival for today’s audiences.  Attracted because, hey, it harkens us back to our youth and gives us hope that this will be a worthy entry into something started long ago.  Appalled because it almost never is – Michael Bay has absolutely ruined Transformers, bringing it to the lowest common denominator, and Summers uses the same overloud, overbusy action direction to cover up for what is a pretty flimsy story.

G.I. Joe is now a worldwide special forces unit (I guess they’re not the “real American heroes” any longer…) with crazy amounts of highly advanced technology, who have been formed to be the “best of the best, etc., we’re so awesome we crap perfection”.  There’s also a ninja – which comes standard in every military outfit these days – who has a mask with lips because there’s nothing more disturbing than thinking that the person behind the mask has lips so big the mask had to be deformed to accommodate.  They also have a base that’s so over-the-top ridiculous – it has a pool large enough to accommodate practice submarine warfare in the middle of the Sahara desert, I kid you not – that James Bond is flat-out green with envy.

It’s a good thing that a weapons manufacturer (Christopher Eccleston) and his Cobra cronies have constructed an equally large and impractical base – this one below the polar ice cap – so that the Joes have someone to play with.  Cobra invades the Joe base, the Joes respond in kind, and in the middle of all this is a whole lot of passing and interception of a weapons case carrying metal-eating nanites.

Our entrance into this insane world of Joes is relatively normal military guys Duke and Ripcord, and I must warn you that a Wayans brother plays one of these roles.  Prepare to feel an involuntary shudder flash up your spine.  The two troopers more or less get recruited by the Joes and pulled into their petty squabbles amid $5.6 trillion of military hardware.  Rocket packs, laser guns, VTOL planes, and, of course, the infamous “accelerator suits”, which I suppose were fashioned because Stephen Sommers wanted to appeal to the Halo crowd.

The Joes are reduced to a feature-friendly half-dozen: Hawk, Scarlett, Snake Eyes, Heavy Duty (yeah, I never heard of him either), and Breaker.  For its part, COBRA is even less staffed: they have Storm Shadow (the “other” ninja, because ninjas always fight in pairs), Cobra Commander, Destro, Zartan and the Baroness.  COBRA also has a lot of nanite-controlled faceless soldiers, but alas, no BATs (that’s “Battle Android Trooper” for you G.I. Joe neophytes).

I’ve got to say, I am beyond tired of two of the most common tropes in these good guys/bad guys films.  The first is when a good guy turns out to be a bad guy who betrays them all, and the second is when a bad guy who spends 97% of the film being evil suddenly turns to good right before the end credits.  If you’re good, be good.  If bad, be bad.  None of this namby-pamby team-changing nonsense.  G.I. Joe commits both of these sins within its two hour running time.

What pretty much all of these revival films completely miss is that these franchises actually had depth, and story, and characterization in their source material.  It wasn’t just about toys and blue lasers and explosions (although those were fun), but about Cobra Commander’s unending hissy fits, the insane amounts of crazy vehicles the Joes had at their disposal, and the slew of terrific military-themed soldiers who brought their particular expertise to the battlefield.  Dumbing them down to this level leaves you with a clear, distilled experience that has no body, no flavor, no aftertaste.  It’s just there and gone, asking you to take gulp after gulp in hopes that something might stick.

What’s the most frustrating thing for real fans of these franchises is that movies end up being the definitive legacy that’s remembered in the minds of most everyone else – not the books or the comics or the TV shows.  X-Men will always be “that movie with Halle Berry”, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will always recall visions of Vanilla Ice, and Transformers will be about robot cars trying to molest Megan Fox.  That’s it.

That said, just about two-thirds of this film consists of action sequences, so if you just need to shut your brain off and watch characters shoot, kick, slice and explode their way to victory, then this is the fast food equivalent to sate your hunger.  At the very least, I expect to be able to follow the action in an action movie, and the cuts and special effects are certainly done well enough to make that the case here.  It’s not particularly memorable, clever or funny (the previews before the film made us laugh more than the forced attempts at humor here), but it’s not nearly as bad as the whole anti-Joe hype made it out to be.

"I'm player one!" "Forget you, I'M player one!"

Didja Notice?

• To “weaponize” a nanite warhead means to shoot it with lasers until it becomes glowy.  It’s pretty much like throwing a burrito into a microwave.
• What can a huge fat Bhudda guy teach anybody about being a ninja?  Apparently not much, since he gets stabbed by a six-year-old.
• If your team gets arrested by the French police, then you might as well disband as a unit.  There’s no going back after that point.
• This movie needs to cut ALL of its flashbacks, thankyouverymuch.
• Am I the only one who thought the advanced COBRA guns shot like the Stormtroopers’ blasters set on stun from A New Hope?  Am I that geeky?
• Brendan Fraser!
• Guess Cover Girl wasn’t slated for the sequel…

Groovy Quotes

General Hawk: Technically, we don’t exist. We answer to no one. And when all else fails, we don’t.

Duke: Ok, that was crazy… What happened to you?
Ripcord: I went through the train. What happened to you?
Duke: I jumped over it.
Ripcord: [pause] You can do that?

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• G.I. Joe: The Movie
• G.I. Joe PSAs
• Transformers

“I’m trying to tell your wife that I’m in love with her.

The Scoop: 1994  R, directed by Rory Kelly and starring Meg Tilly, Eric Stoltz, and Craig Sheffer.

Tagline: A romantic comedy brave enough to say those three magic words.

Summary Capsule: Sex ruins everything.

Al’s Rating: These three so completely deserve each other.  I’m just gonna go hang out with their friends while they whine.

Al’s Review: There’s a famous scene in Sleep with Me.  Not ‘horse head in a bed’ famous or anything, but well-known enough that it makes the rounds on the internet every few months.  It features Quentin Tarantino at a house party, explaining the brilliant subversiveness of the script to Top Gun.  Top Gun, he proclaims, is not simply about jets and testosterone, but is, in fact, a metaphor for a man coming to grips with his own homosexuality.  It’s funny and clever and delivered in Tarantino’s typical 90-miles-a-minute-without-slowing-for-crosswalks style.

It’s a shame that the rest of Sleep With Me can’t keep up with it.  The movie’s actual story follows a love triangle of best friends Joseph (Eric Stoltz), Sarah (Meg Tilly), and Frank (Craig Sheffer).  As the film opens, Joseph and Sarah get engaged during a road trip after much poking and prodding from Frank.  The day before the wedding, however, Sarah admits to Frank that once, a few years ago, she considered going after him while she and Joseph were fighting.  This sends Frank spiraling out of control as he wrestles with feelings he thought he had put to bed a long time ago.

It’s a solid romantic comedy premise, marred only by the creeping realization that you want desperately to throttle the characters onscreen.  Frank rapidly devolves into an emo schlemiel, vacillating between being anxious, irritable, and creepy, while Joseph and Sarah do nothing but argue and sulk and give each other stinkeyes from across the room until they can barely stand to be around each other.  They’re great performances; I just don’t actually want to sit through them.

The good news, however, is that Sleep With Me is from the early nineties, placing it smack in the middle of the post-Clerks/Pulp Fiction ‘slacker comedy’ boom.  As a result, Frank, Joseph, and Sarah have a Greek chorus of loser/philosopher friends who sit around drinking, smoking, and playing poker while snarking about life and relationships.  They are funny, weird, and partially composed of Parker Posey and Joey Lauren Adams, so I instantly award cool points.  The banter never quite reaches Kevin Smith levels of fascinating banality (ooh, college words) but really does a good job helping you forget that our protagonists are so earlobe-tearingly awful.

So, do I recommend Sleep With Me?  I don’t really know.  It’s got some funny dialogue in it.  It’s got Top Gun being outed in public.  It’s got Joey Lauren Adams and Parker Posey.  Maybe it’s worth a watch when you’re in one of those moods where you just want to wear lots of flannel and listen to Beck.  For those of you who don’t get in those moods?  Youtube is this way; check out Quentin Tarantino and Top Gun, and then you can probably get back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Want another opinion? Check out Kym, Justin, and Mark’s reviews here!

This man was nearly Marty McFly. Personally, I think we dodged a bullet.

Didja Notice?

• Frank’s beret?  With the moustache, too?  And a scarf?  Oh, man.
• Nothing dates a movie as fast as gas prices.
• The Clerks title card thing?
• Vanessa Angel as Frank’s date?
• Joseph remembering being born?
• Leo is way too serious about poker night?
• June Lockheart as the horribly boring mother-in-law?
• Parker Posey?  Rowr.
• Leo is randomly in a wheelchair in the last scene?

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

Just for the funky soundtrack.

Intermission!

The premise of Sleep With Me was divided into six parts and written by six screenwriters, all friends.

Groovy Quotes

Joseph: You’re telling me that the reason you’re named Frank is because your mother slept with Sinatra? What about your father?
Frank: My father never slept with Sinatra. Just my mother.

Joseph: You’re always teaming up with him.  You’re supposed to be on my side.
Sarah: But then I would always be wrong, too.

Duane: I know I teased you both about the pitfalls of marriage over the years.  I just wanted to say… why didn’t you listen?

Duane: I perceive a homoerotic subtext here.

Deborah: I think you would like men a lot less if you were married to one.

Joseph: What the hell is going on here?
Frank: I’m trying to tell your wife that I’m in love with her.

Duane: You know what she said to me?  She said I was full of “inner rage.”  Can you believe that?  I should have popped her right then.  Bitch.

Leo: Congratuations, Rory, you’ve picked an emotion.

Nigel: I think you two should kiss and make up.  Or beat the crap out of each other.  That would be interesting, too.

Caroline: I’ll not stay in this house a minute longer!
Nigel: I’m timing you!

QT: And what is the last f—ing line that they have together? They’re all hugging and kissing and happy with each other, and Ice comes up to Maverick, and he says, “Man, you can ride my tail, anytime!” And what does Maverick say? “You can ride mine!”

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Radio Inside
• Empire Records
• Knocked Up

“Dude, I just spent the afternoon in Middle-earth with glee-glop and the floopty-doos, all right?”

The Scoop: 2008 R, directed by David Wain and starring Seann William Scott, Paul Rudd and Elizabeth Banks

Tagline: Danny and Wheeler were just sentenced to 150 hours mentoring kids. Worst idea ever.

Summary Capsule: Uh… I think the tagline did just fine in this case.  Go see him.

Justin’s Rating: “LARP” just sounds dirty…

Justin’s Review: Let’s face it: Some people probably should never be role models.  Britney Spears, for instance.  Gary Busey, for another.  Barry Bonds and Jose Canseco.  Any college professor who extols the excellence of Lolita a little too much.  People whose ideas of intellectual discourse usually end with the phrase “Git er done!” or “That’s what SHE said!”  Mutant Reviewers.  And, it should go without saying, anyone who’s ever appeared on, hosted or produced a reality TV show or talk show.

That leaves us precious few decent role models in the world for today’s whippersnappers, so is it any surprise when you read about some kid who tried to ramp his mom’s SUV off of a snow bank in a Costco parking lot to sail above, and then straight into, a retaining pond?

Two more people we could add to the above list might include Paul Rudd (who’s mastered the sarcastic, depressed and verbose loser) and Sean William Scott (who is at least 40 years old and still playing Stifler in each and every film).  Mothers should be bundling their precious youngsters under their arms and fleeing the streets, like in a Western or something, if they saw this pair approach their children.

So it’ll obviously take a small miracle or great con to see Rudd and Scott placed into a “Big Brother/Little Brother”-type social program, which is delivered via the fickle fairy of movie fate.  As part of the traveling duo of energy drink salespeople, Rudd finally snaps one day and does a bit of GTA in the ‘burbs (with Scott in the passenger seat).  The court, perhaps absolutely delusional and under the influence of crystal meth, orders them to watch over a kid for a month as community service.  Nevermind the inevitable lawsuit from parents, upset that their negligence is being upstaged by felon babysitters – these boys did the crime, and now they’re gonna do the time.  Of their LIFE!

It’s here the movie kind of splits in half, with Scott taking a foul-mouthed punk kid under his wing as Rudd watches over a renaissance faire geek.  The first story is pretty offensive and annoying, as Stifler tries to pass down the collective wisdom of every frat boy into a child who’s far more in need of a firm hand than a walking, talking Playboy encyclopedia.  I guess he learns something in the end or whatever, but most of the time these two were interacting, I kept wincing that someone thought it’d be a terrific idea to shove the M-F word into a 10-year-old’s mouth as entertainment.  I guess we’ve just proved that this movie isn’t an ideal role model either.

Oddly enough, Rudd’s story has far more substance and is incredibly likable – taken by itself, it would most likely bring the film’s rating down to a PG or PG-13, and be enough for a raving endorsement by yours truly.  Rudd’s charge is a complete LARP freak (that’s Live Action Role-Playing, to you non-geeks out there), whose idea of a great time is to dress up in medieval garb, grab a foam sword, and stage elaborate battles in the middle of a park with a horde of fellow geeks.  While at first he’s simply appalled at being thrust into the middle of a D&D nightmare, Rudd starts to see a kid who can only find happiness through this outlet, and he grudgingly joins in.  The end result is… well, I won’t spoil it for you, but for all the uneven laughs that the first 2/3rds of the film provides, the final act is solid gold (or platinum).  It becomes a celebration of a particular geek subset that doesn’t get much else than mockery in other mainstream films, and I have to admire Role Models for taking the path less traveled.

Quite a few friends have gushed about this movie, best of 2008 comedies and whatnot, but I am not quite convinced.  I do think it’s worth another viewing or two – I just wish the Apatow clique would realize that good comedy can exist without extreme gratuitous vulgarity and nudity.  Too much to hope perhaps.

Well. How can you NOT want to see this now?

Intermission!

• A lot of the dialogue was ad-libbed.

Groovy Quotes

Danny: Can I get a large black coffee?
Barista: A what?
Danny: Large black coffee.
Barista: Do you mean a venti?
Danny: No, I mean a large.
Barista: Venti is large.
Danny: No, venti is twenty. Large is large. In fact, tall is large and grande is Spanish for large. Venti is the only one that doesn’t mean large. It’s also the only one that’s Italian. Congratulations, you’re stupid in three languages.

Wheeler: You sexy like a chocolate strawberry.

Gayle Sweeny: You know what I used to have for breakfast? Cocaine. Know what I had for lunch? Cocaine.
Wheeler: What did you have for dinner?
Danny: Was it cocaine?

Danny: Let me tell you something, I am not your big, but I’ll hit you. I will hit a child. I’ve never done that before, but I will punch you in the face.

Augie Farks: Would you like to come in and see my turtle?
Danny: I’m fine.
Ronnie: Of course he has turtle.

Danny: No, I like to rock n’ roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands… I can only rock from like 1-3.

Wheeler: This may be a stupid question. The Get Out of Jail Free Card: Is that real?
Beth: That’s not a stupid question.
Danny: It’s real in the game of Monopoly.
Wheeler: But Monopoly is based on true events.

Danny: Dude, I just spent the afternoon in Middle-earth with glee-glop and the floopty-doos, all right?

Gayle Sweeny: I know why you are here, so don’t BS a BSer, Ok? Your “Presence” here, court ordered.
Danny: Why did you put presence in quotes? Are you implying that we aren’t here?

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• American Wedding
• Knocked Up

“Just be out there in it, you know? In the wild.”

The Scoop: 2007 R, directed by Sean Penn and starring Emile Hersch, Marcia Gay Harden and Catherine Keener

Tagline: Your great adventure on Alaska.

Summary: Young man disconnects from society and plunges himself into a series of wilderness adventures.

Justin’s Rating: Stupid!  You’re so stuuuupid!

Justin’s Review: The question is, was Christopher McCandless a stupid, stupid man… or a man of courageous nature who had the audacity to reject society in a very consumerist age?  Alaskans tend to say the first, but Into The Wild makes a strong case for the second.  No one disputes that he was willful and apparently fearless.  In any case, what’s done is done, and his unfortunate tragedy is a matter of public record.

But it still makes for fascinating viewing.

In 1992, McCandless (played here by Emile Hirsch) was dropped off in the middle of the Alaskan wilderness for a self-appointed “odyssey” away from it all.  He was woefully unprepared in both gear and knowledge for the trek, but that didn’t deter him from striking out into nature, with civilization receding far behind him.  He found a broken down bus to live in, some game to eat, and all the time in the world to think and write.  While he didn’t come back (I figure public accounts like this are the exception to the “no spoiler” policy, but I won’t go into details), he did leave behind a four-month journal of his thoughts, activities and dreams.  Enough for a movie, I suppose.

Backed by a kickin’ Eddie Vedder soundtrack, Into the Wild begins with McCandless’ first steps into the Alaskan bush, then flashes back to the past, to trace his steps from the last days of high school to this very moment.  It turns out that this wasn’t the first odyssey he undertook, as the restless man crossed the continent in search of something that wasn’t fulfilled by money, relationships or success.  Maybe he found it in the end.  Maybe he was just a stupid idiot, an example for what Boy Scouts should not be.

Like other semi-historical films where you know the ending, the journey is all you really have to look forward to.  Hirsch does a terrific job as the intense (but sometimes intensely askew) McCandless, especially when he is called on to do a one-man show, all alone in the wild.

While traveling Alaska is a dream of mine, I don’t think I’d ever consider going to such extremes as this guy, but it is a fascinating mind exercise to mull over.  What would it be like, really, to ditch everything, burn your wallet on the road, and simply fall off of civilization’s radar, even if only for a few months?  Dangerous, yes, and maybe the time of your life.

"Uh... hello? Anyone going to fix this bus? Give it wheels? Hello?"

Didja Notice?

• The role of Jim Gallien, the Alaskan who gave Chris the rubber boots in the opening scene, is played by the real Jim Gallien.

Intermission!

• Emile Hirsch lost 40 pounds to play this role.  He also didn’t use any stunt doubles.
• The production made four separate trips to Alaska in order to film during different seasons.

Groovy Quotes

Christopher McCandless: Some people feel like they don’t deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.

Christopher McCandless: Mr. Franz, I think careers are a 20th century invention and I don’t want one.

Christopher McCandless: No, man. Alaska, Alaska. I’m gonna be all the way out there, all the way fucking out there. Just on my own. You know, no f**king watch, no map, no axe, no nothing. No nothing. Just be out there. Just be out there in it. You know, big mountains, rivers, sky, game. Just be out there in it, you know? In the wild.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Without a Paddle

The Scoop: 2009, Directed by Jeffrey Reiner  and starring Eric Stoltz, Esai Morales, and Paula Malcomson

Tagline: “The battle for humanity has a beginning.”

Summary Capsule: A teenage girl thinks her father doesn’t know all that much… and boy, in this case she’s right.

Lissa’s Rating: By… your… command….

Lissa’s Review: Once upon a time, I was a Harry Potter geek.  And when I say geek, I mean it.  I could kick anyone’s butt at trivia.  I knew what a kappa was and how it was different from a grindylow, the name of Fleur Delacoeur’s little sister, and Harry’s full course schedule for each semester.  I was in the fandom, and I read the books the second they were in my hands and I saw the movies the week they came out.  The only things I never did were attend a midnight release party or go to a convention.  And don’t get me wrong when I use the past tense – I still love Harry and his friends.  But the story came to an end, and I no longer need to know what happened next.  Sure, I had issues with aspects of Deathly Hallows – that’s part of being a fan, you get to blow stuff out of proportion.  But the story definitely ended, and I truly felt like it had done so.  And given that I was still at home and still had my mind wandering into fantasy realms, I got turned on to Battlestar Galactica.

It’s not a secret, I think, that I love Battlestar Galactica as much as I loved Harry Potter.  It’s a great series with a lot of room for speculation.  And it had that lethal combination of characterization and mystery – I got invested in the characters and I HAD to know what happened next.  It was one of those series where so much depended on this huge, intriguing backstory that strongly influenced the present day.  During Season 4.5, you just did not call this house at 10:00 on a Friday night.

However, also like Harry Potter, Battlestar Galactica has come to an end.  And yes, I had Issues with the finale (how much more literal of a deus ex machina can we get?) and with the whole last season (Deadlocked, would it have killed someone to pin a few pictures on the Wall?).  But at the same time, I was satisfied that the story of Adama, Roslin, and their ragtag Fleet had ended, and although I might not love how everything was handled, I didn’t need to know what happened next.  As far as I was concerned, this show was done.

Reopening canon because a sticky prospect after you’ve wrapped.  Aside from obnoxious fans like myself that will complain if you contradict yourself, you have to deal with the audience’s sense of closure.  Going back and revisiting stories doesn’t often work.  As much as fans might want more, sometimes it’s best to let things lie.  But if you must play in your same universe, it’s best to remove yourself from the story you were telling.

Enter the pilot for Caprica, Ron Moore’s new show.

Instead of focusing on the story of the Battlestar Galactica, Moore steps back in time forty years, back before the first Cylon war to the creation of the Cylons.  Instead of the military, the pilot focuses on a computer mogul Daniel Greystone (Eric Stoltz) and his wife and daughter.  However, to tie it in to the Battlestar Galactica world we all know and love, we also meet Joseph Adama (Esai Morales), a lawyer being dragged into the world of organized crime and raising his pre-teen son Bill.  The two families are brought together by a terrorist attack that takes place on a train, costing both fathers their daughters.  Along they way, they invent Cylons and probably sell their souls.

I have to admit, I was kind of dubious.  The last half season of Battlestar Galactica had some awesome moments, but it had some episodes I despised.  (Did I mention Deadlocked yet?)  And like I said, I wasn’t thrilled with the finale, especially on reflection.  Did I want to go back to the world of RDM, or had he lost all his fire?  Had he used up all his ideas?  I kind of got that feeling at times.

Well, I think he did lose his fire for Battlestar Galactica, but not for Caprica.  If this series actually makes it on the stupidly renamed SyFy (really?  They were worried about appearing geeky?  On a SCI FI channel?), I’ll be watching.

As a stand-alone movie, Caprica doesn’t particularly satisfy.  I don’t mean that in terms of having watched Battlestar Galactica, but it’s most definitely a pilot.  The ending leaves you wanting more.  Which, since this IS a pilot for a TV series, is a good thing.  And right now, I’m pleased with how the two series are tying together.  It’s interesting to see some of the politics and infighting, not to mention the culture that we really haven’t seen because it was lost in the miniseries.  There are very few spaceships, and even as the budget increases I don’t anticipate there being many more, but if you liked the Laura Roslin side of things, that shouldn’t bother you too much.  Plus, this being RDM, I’m sure he’ll find a way to cram in plenty of sex and violence, even without space porn.  Just say V-Club.

That said, although I appreciate the bits and pieces that make this the same universe, I have to say, don’t fall into George Lucas’s trap, Ron.  Which one specifically?  The one where the eight most important people in the first movies all turn out to have known each other or be related to each other previously.  Seeing a young William Adama in Caprica is fine, especially as Joseph Adama was a part of the BSG canon.  And I don’t mind a reference to the Lampkin family, as again, it’s canon that Romo Lampkin knew Joseph Adama.  But that’s it.  I don’t want to see Bill Adama exchange portentous glimpses with a young Laura Roslin or declare to his father “I’ll never like her.”  I don’t want to see the Thrace family brought in, I don’t want to see an Agathon as one of Greystone’s employees, I don’t want to see a Gaeta family member clerking for Adama.  Given how huge the Colonies were and how many billions of people were killed and how many thousands of people survived, just no.  Hopefully, Ron Moore is smart enough to realize this.

However, there were some things that tied into events on BSG, and I really appreciated those.  For example, the whole monotheistic cult?  Yeah, that was actually already going on Caprica.  I liked that, because during the show, it basically looked like the people believing in the one true God were adapting the Cylon religion.  Crazier things have happened, I’m sure, and given that the Cylons were winning, I could see the appeal of worshiping their God.  But it made more sense to me that it was a movement that had started on the Colonies and extended to the survivors.  Little things like that… they might be retcons, but when they work, they’re good.

Anyway, the storyline was intriguing and the characters were the shades of gray that Ron Moore likes so much, and overall, I was impressed enough that I’ll watch.  Granted, it helps that BSG is off the air, Heroes has been mostly sucking, and LOST utterly confusing.  Right now, the only sci-fi show I’ve found worth watching his been Fringe.  (Well, once we’re past the summer, anyway.)  But Ron Moore’s got to be extremely careful.  Not only does he have extremely rabid fans and a big task ahead of him, it doesn’t take a genius to start calling Caprica “Craprica”.   When you’ve got a built-in insult like that, your show had better not suck.

It’s not enough for a TV show to be watched; it must be worthy of being watched.  So say we all.

Didja Notice?

• Little Bill Adama eating ice cream.  Come on- it is kind of cute.  (Hope he brushes his teeth after.)
• Maybe not all the One True God people will be hot young women.
• How much of the virtual club will get edited before this is broadcast?
• Bear McCreary, who scored BSG, is also scoring Caprica.

Groovy Quotes:

Zoe Greystone:  I’m not a person, I know it. But I feel like one.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Battlestar Galactica (the series)
• The Matrix
• Gattaca

I like Undeclared better than Freaks and Geeks.

Sorry. I know I just invalidated the entire rest of this article for many of you, but I gotta be me. And “me” is a guy who likes about a 90/10 split between his comedy and drama. There’s no denying that Freaks was an excellent show with more than its share of funny moments, but the focus on laughs over all else makes Undeclared the preferred Judd Apatow vehicle in my eyes. I hope I have not brought shame on my family, and that you will continue reading on through your disgust.

The obligatory background: after critical darling Freaks and Geeks met with a much-lamented cancellation, creator Judd Apatow decided to spearhead a new show, this time about college life. After pouring his heart and soul into Freaks and having them crushed, his intent was to make a breezy comedy that he wouldn’t have to stress about, a half hour show to Freaks’ hour because clearly that would only be half the work. This failed miserably on all levels. As Apatow humorously reflects in his introduction to the Undeclared DVD, “I worked more hours than ever. I quickly learned that a half hour comedy is way harder to produce than an hour drama. With Freaks, if a scene wasn’t funny, we called it drama. With Undeclared, if it wasn’t funny, it just wasn’t funny.” Throw in major casting issues — the plan was to bring in numerous Freaks alums as main cast members, but only one (Seth Rogen) was approved by network execs, though many others became guest stars — and you can understand Apatow’s frustration. Add to that the fact that it STILL didn’t work, with Undeclared being canceled after one season just like its predecessor, and is it any wonder Apatow made the leap to cinema and hasn’t looked back? Probably not… but at least he left us with two great albeit shortlived shows before he did. Well, and the knowledge that he sent FOX executives a note reading, “How can you #?!* me in the @##$!?% again when your =%!# is still in there from last time?” Which, as far as I’m concerned, is just icing on the cake. But enough history, what’s this show all about?

Like most of us, Steven Karp (Jay Baruchel) has decided he is absolutely going to be cooler in college than he was in high school. And like some of us, he appears to be succeeding, at least at first: partnered with handsome British roommate Lloyd (Charlie Hunnam), who drops skirts with a single toss of his flowing locks, Steven attends a party and even loses his virginity his first night on campus. For her part, devirginizer Lizzie (cute-as-a-button Carla Gallo, known to Superbad fans) was just looking to cut loose and mentally free herself from clingy boyfriend Eric (Jason Segal, in a hilarious and fortunately recurring guest role), but now finds herself the target of a puppy dog crush. Of course, Steven’s other roommates Ron (Rogen) and Marshall (Timm Sharp) have their own ideas about how to make this the best freshman year ever, none of which include letting Steven’s recently-separated dad Hal (Loudon Wainwright III) crash on their couch. Oh well… maybe Steven can be cool sophomore year.

It’s trite to say so, but a big part of what makes Undeclared work is that, much like Freaks did for high school, it actually feels like college. Beyond the obligatory unrealistically large dorm rooms (a necessity if you want more than two camera angles), it’s the realistic little touches that make it – things like the girls going to class in sweatpants and no makeup, or the guys playing 4-player video games and cursing each other out. This is stuff we all went through in college, whether it’s being sexiled from your room, or getting a credit card and immediately overspending, or stealing liberating food from the dining hall. Apatow has lamented that the reason most college shows suck is because the things people actually experiment with in college — drugs, alcohol, sex — aren’t network friendly, leading to watered-down dreck. I don’t doubt that’s true, but I will say that Undeclared doesn’t gloss over the drinking and sex, at least. And while I never pledged a fraternity or worked a campus job in college, I don’t doubt for a minute that the experiences as portrayed in Undeclared are spot-on; and this from a man who HAS swallowed a live goldfish before, thank you very much.

Of course, it helps that the characters are mostly engaging and three dimensional. Jay Baruchel is endearingly awkward as Steven and pulls off the “geek trying to go against the grain” vibe well, and my main complaint about Seth Rogen from Freaks (that his character didn’t get enough to do) is eliminated here, as Ron gets several plotlines focusing on him and some of the best lines to boot. I’ll offer that it’s a good thing Carla Gallo is cute, because between sleeping around on all of her love interests and unintentionally manipulating them, Lizzie isn’t always the most likable of characters, but it’s hard to stay mad at her. Marshall and especially Rachel sadly feel the most underdeveloped as characters, a situation that might have been rectified in the second season, but alas, we’ll never know.

I promise not to ramble on, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t briefly mention the outstanding guest stars. For a single season they really packed ‘em in, building episodes around major names like Adam Sandler (and his perennial entourage), Will Ferrell, and Ted Nugent, as well as giving recurring guest roles to Amy Poehler and most of the Freaks cast. (In one episode where Samm Levine guest stars as a fraternity president, the frat vandalizes the guys’ room, and the words “Greeks Not Freaks” can be seen spray-painted on the wall.) Even stars-to-be like Tom “Smallville” Welling and a pre-The Office Jenna Fischer appear in bit parts. As a final act of rebellion after learning they were cancelled, the writers decided to barely feature the main cast in the final episode and instead devoted much of it to Lizzie’s ex-boyfriend Eric (Jason Segal) and his Copy Shop coworkers David “10 Things I Hate About You” Krumholz and Kyle “Tenacious D” Gass, as well as Eric’s stepdad Ben “prototype for my character in Dodgeball” Stiller. That’s cheeky, and I dig it.

The DVD set contains a few choice goodies, including auditions, rehearsals, and a script planned for season 2, but the best special feature is the booklet that comes with it, a guide to the 17 episodes (plus a heavily reworked version of one) that features members of the cast and crew weighing in on every episode. Seth Rogen’s entries alone are worth the price of the set, like when he describes getting crap for writing himself a make-out scene with guest star Busy Phillips, and then accidentally getting an erection. (Look for it.) It’s also a fascinating peek into the creative process, as Brent Forrester describes late night writing sessions at Judd Apatow’s house where they delay work as long as possible by eating junk food and Apatow gradually gets more and more intense, saying things like, “Are you ready for the magic? A little more cake, and I am going to bring it.” For some reason I find that hilarious. Almost as hilarious as Jay Baruchel’s insistence that his character wear jean shorts, because c’mon… jorts!

So that is why I thoroughly enjoy Undeclared. You may never agree with me that it’s a better show than Freaks and Geeks, and I can live with that — I’ve long since accepted I’m in the minority on that one. But hopefully I’ve at least convinced you that it’s worth checking out. The DVD set isn’t too expensive, and even though Wikipedia would have you believe the episodes are arranged out of order on the DVDs, that is a damn lie. For shame, Wikipedia. (The booklet lists them in improper order, but they’re correct on the discs themselves, so maybe it was a running change.) Anyway, that’s all I’ve got. I realize it’s kind of an abrupt ending, but in proper college spirit, it’s beer o’clock and I’ve got to be drunk by beer thirty. See ya!

Hilarious Quotes:

Professor Duggan: When I’m lecturing I expect you to listen. This is not high school. You’re paying good money for an education.
Marshall: Well, yeah. That’s the whole point. I am paying good money, and I think you should try to be less boring.

Steven: I thought I saw an ad for a job at an art supply store.
Perry: That job doesn’t exist. For some reason hot girls like art, so I just put that in there to get numbers. My palm pilot is bursting.

Lloyd: Alright, Mr. Magoo, time to leave. Rebecca’s going to be here any second.
Steven: Okay, well, have fun, and in case you need me I’ll be sleeping on that disgusting-ass little couch right there that Ron puked on the other night. Thanks.

Marshall: You’re really smart.
Rachel: Thanks.
Marshall: And you’re pretty. You’re smart and pretty. Like a dolphin.
Rachel: Thanks.

School Video Show Guy: Coming up next we have a generic R&B video. I don’t know who it’s by, but I bet they’ll have a shot of a guy without his shirt on spinning around in the rain.

Steven: Excuse me. Am I like interrupting a slumber party or something?
Nicola: No. Our roommates are having sex. How about you?
Steven: Yeah. He is.

Lizzie: What do you think?
Ron: Is that… as big as your boobs get?
Lizzie: Oh! I have a shirt for that.
Ron: Ah. I knew you would.

Ron: She’ll tell her friends across the pond and my name will be like the secret inside joke for bad sex. “How was your shag?” “Oh, I got Ronned! He Ronned me! It was terrible.”

Lloyd: In every man resides a fighter, Steven.
Steven: Where? Does he hide in my ass?

Perry: I cannot believe Steven is joining those guys. That kid could not become a bigger dork if he went on the road following the Dave Matthews Band.

Marshall: Every night after Ron falls asleep, I ah… ah, do what young men do. In my bed.
Ron: You do it after I go to sleep?
Marshall: Yeah.
Ron: I do it every night after you go to sleep!
Marshall: But you’re snoring by the time I’m doing it.
Ron: I’m pretending to snore so you don’t think that I’m doing it!
Marshall: God, Ron!
Ron: So we’re doing it at the same time?
Marshall: That’s horrible, Ron!

Marshall: That was awesome!
Ron: That was pretty cool.
Lloyd: Awesome that was not.
Marshall: Why not? Why wasn’t it?
Lloyd: I’ve been thinking this might happen for awhile, but this is sooner than I thought. We have become their brothers.
Marshall: So?
Lloyd: So I understand where you’re from, being someone’s brother may not necessarily eliminate sexual possibilities. For Ron, myself and Steven, this spells trouble.

Marshall: Dude, get out of here.
Ron: Why?
Marshall: Because Lloyd’s about to pick a girl, then the others are going to disperse, and then I’m gonna get the slowest and the weakest one, now go, he’s about to pick one!

Lloyd: What if this is the perfect girl? They all might be the one, and you don’t know until you sleep with them. All of them.

“Have a mental margarita”

The Scoop: 1988 PG, directed by Julien Temple and starring Geena Davis, Jeff Goldblum, Jim Carrey and Damon Wayans

Tagline: An out-of-this-world, down-to-earth comedy adventure.

Summary capsule: There’s aliens, girls in bikinis, and Julie Brown. I’m sorry, did you think there was a plot?

Heather’s Rating: Earth girls (Earth girls!)are easy (are easy!)! Whatcha wanna do, little buckaroo, come ooooon!

Heather’s Review: My method for picking movies is pretty off-kilter. Your average person picks something featuring one’s favorite actor/actress, something from a preferred genre, or something that looks good or was recommended by a friend.

Many times I’ll watch a movie, good or bad, based purely upon it being referenced in pop culture. I’m the kind of person who wants to “get” every reference made in every movie, TV show, book, and song that I like. I might never have paid Earth Girls Are Easy any mind if it hadn’t been for the film’s inclusion in the lyrics of one of my favorite songs off of the Cowboy Bebop soundtrack. When I first heard the song I barely knew that movie existed. Once I ran across it on (say it with me) Netflix! I decided I had to see it.

That being the case, I couldn’t have expected this movie to be a Citizen Kane or Mr. Hollands Opus, and it certainly wasn’t.

I want to preface the meat of this review with a little marinade, if you will (Oooh, that was a bad metaphor. Sorry).While I love goofiness when goofiness is the intention I do NOT tolerate goofiness in the form of fifth grade humor and slapstick (read: most Will Ferrell films). I can appreciate a film like Earth Girls Are Easy while simultaneously being miffed at Pale Rider, simply because of one very important difference: a film trying to be silly is laughable in a good way. A film taking itself so seriously that it becomes silly is laughable in a bad way.

Now when I say I appreciate EGAE, I’m not saying that it’s a good movie. It’s got a few major hits against it: A silly, sex-centered plot, the inclusion of a Wayans brother… but it manages a charm that actually makes you want to watch the goofball story, bright colors and ridiculous musical numbers. Said musical numbers only add up to a blessedly small amount (around three) and make this movie an even better choice as the background for your 80’s-themed party.  All of your guests will be singing along with “‘Cause I’m a Blonde”. If they don’t then throw them out immediately, lest their sourpussness infect you.

EGAE’s plot is the kind of thing people were only putting out in the eighties: Mac (Goldblum), Wiploc (Carrey), and Zeebo (Wayans), a trio of furry and colorful sexually frustrated aliens, crash land into a pool belonging to a cute, naive Earth girl named Valerie (Davis). She shows them around and has her friend give them makeovers to make them look human. All the better for them to go out and par-tay! Wackiness and abominations against nature ensue. There’s plenty of garish clothing and hair, your standard dance-off scene, and the kind of sexual situations that would make a professional uncomfortable.

On that note, am I alone in the feeling that Geena Davis and Jeff Goldblum were a perfect romantic couple in this movie in that they are both inexplicably attractive? Geena Davis at times has a very old Hollywood kind of beauty, and at the right times is quite good-looking. At the same time she has this weird lisp-like quality to her voice and her face tends to look like a misshapen Cabbage Patch doll. I applaud that kind of versatility. Jeff Goldblum’s sex appeal, on the other hand, is more difficult for me to come to terms with. His silky voice, his Jame Bond-like charm, and not at all unpleasant body are definite turn-ons. And yet I know of hardly a picture of him where he doesn’t look like a cross between a lemur and an elf. I always feel kind of wrong inside for finding him attractive, especially in his shirtless “hey look I’m a sexy, nearly hairless human now!” scene.

Ack, movie! Why must you confuse me so?

Want a second opinion?  Check out DNA Error’s review here!

Oh, Dr. Love? Somebody needs a dose of your hot chicken legs and a cold, cold stethoscope!

Didja Notice?:

• Could be I just have a dirty mind, but that’s some awfully phallic landing gear.
• “Dr. Love” needs to pay a visit to “Dr. Gym” to get rid of those spindly chicken legs.
• Geena Davis was horrendously skinny here! Somebody help me: Is it really attractive to be able to view a woman’s first five ribs in such horrific detail?

Intermission!:

Two of the cars from Death Race 2000 appear in this film. Calamity Jane’s car is visible at the gas station, and Frankenstein’s car can be seen on the road while Carry and Wayons’ characters are driving backwards.

Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis also played a romantic couple in the remake of the sci-fi classic The Fly.

Groovy Quotes:

Candy: I see split ends are universal. Lost in space with no conditioner, eh?

Woody: Waste your brain, wax your board, pray for waves.

Mac: Are we limp and hard to manage?

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across The Eighth Dimension
• Mars Attacks!
• Spaceballs

#1- The Doctor and The Master

The Master attempts to "hug it out".

The Doctor is a compassionate Timelord from the planet Gallifrey who thwarts monsters, aliens, gods, and demons through the use of his intelligence, an intrinsic knowledge of the workings of space/time, and a nifty sonic screwdriver. Throughout time and space, The Doctor has been plagued by his former best friend: a rival Timelord who became determined to utterly conquer all creation after staring into the “untempered schism” and going batpoop crazy. Evenly matched in intelligence, determination and gadgets, these two enemies have battled across tesseracts, supernovas, nebulae and down the street from the Circle K. Along with the desire to control the universe, The Master’s primary driving force seems to be torturing his former friend. When he became desperate to prolong his life after squandering his 13 lifespans, it was The Doctor’s regenerations that he attempted to steal, despite having an entire planet of Timelords (and all their regenerations) at his disposal. After the Time War and the destruction of his home planet, The Doctor spent many years thinking he alone was the only remaining Timelord. Imagine his surprise when the good-natured Professor Yana, a kindly old scientist at the end of the universe turned out to be none other than The Master, long hidden after retreating from the Time War and posing as a human. More of a match for The Doctor than ever after regenerating into John Simm, The Master became the Prime Minister of Great Britain, got married, and utilized his Laser Screwdriver to turn the The Doctor into a little wrinkled monkey-like homunculus.

Little wrinkled monkey-like homunculus

He was ultimately defeated by The Doctor’s companion Martha Jones and shot down by his own wife, and then out of sheer spite didn’t regenerate to save his own life, leaving the Doctor as the “Last of the Timelords” once more.

When you’re willing to die just to be a jerk, that’s true evil.

#2- Spiderman and Venom

Venom: “We live for moments like these spider-man. Me…Eddie Brock beating you down like the week-kneed little boy you are and then leaving you here, broken and bloodied, knowing that anytime we want we can come back and do it again.”

Yeah, he's scary, but that symbiote is gonna be useless after Labor Day.

Peter Parker has more than his fair share of problems. In point of fact, he’s probably the only guy in history whose life actually got worse when he got super powers. When you take the existence of Venom into account, you really have to wonder if all comic book writers don’t just loath not only Spiderman, but also everyone who happens to be standing close to him. Eddie Brock had the all the powers, twice the strength and the added bonus of not setting off Peter’s spider-sense, due to being bonded with Spiderman’s costume from an alien world; a symbiote grafted to his nervous system and feeding off his adrenaline. Venom was the penultimate dark version of Spiderman in terms of powers, looks, and even in terms of personality. Venom had a twisted conscience providing a parallel to Spiderman’s “power and responsibility” schpiel, espousing a fanatical zeal to protect innocents…unless said innocents get in the way of his revenge. Eddie Brock and the Symbiote were permanently separated in recent years and the symbiote was inherited by Mac Gargan, AKA the Scorpion. Sometime later Eddie became a warped version his old self due to the remaining venom cells in his body and a touch from Mister Negative. He became Anti-venom, ironically becoming the new Venom’s arch enemy, after this little exchange:

That's cold, Eddie.

#3- Captain Marvel and Black Adam

Black Adam: “In every shape, color and size, for as long as time is marked, it will always be a world of dictators.”

The driving force behind the aggression of most mirror image arch enemies is the choices that each antagonist chooses to make. The evil counterpart made the wrong choices and now wields their weapons/powers/abilities against humankind, leaving the hero to think “there but for the grace of God go I”. The hero makes all the right choices, defending humankind and making themselves a constant reminder to the villain that they were ultimately too weak to rise above their situations. This dichotomy has never been more clearly pronounced than in the acrimony between the two champions of the wizard Shazam. The first champion of the powerful wizard was imbued with his powers eight thousand years ago in ancient Egypt. His name was Teth Adam, and he was a servant to the pharaoh. It wasn’t long before he figured that since he had the super powers, HE should wear the daddy pants. He overthrew the pharaoh and assumed the throne. Many years later When Captain Marvel was chosen as Shazam’s latest avatar and shared his powers with Mary Marvel and Captain Marvel Jr. to form the Marvel  Family (now on tour with Hannah Montana), Teth, now known as Black Adam devoted himself to becoming a thorn in their side. Gifted with all the strength, speed and intelligence of the big red cheese, Black Adam proves a viable threat to Captain Marvel. It’s too bad most of the time he decided to just go straight and be a good guy. He’s gone from  a super villain to fighting alongside the JSA and most recently has assumed the throne of his ancestral home; the African (re: fictional) nation of Khandaq. Captain Marvel has successfully avoided any character development whatsoever…remaining a cheesy anachronism.

See?

Black Adam also gets extra points for not having that gay little half cape thing.

#4- The Flash and Zoom

Zoom: “Do you not see what I’ve I’ve done? I’ve shifted you into REVERSE!”

Seriously, how does that thing stay on his head when he's running?

For every super speedster that has worn the mantle of the The Flash, there has been a Reverse Flash. The first was Dr. Edward Clariss, a scientist who recreated the formula that gave Jay Garrick (you know, the original Flash with the plate on his head?) his powers. Fortunately for peace loving people everywhere, not so fortunately for Clariss, his formula turned out to be only temporary, allowing The Flash to soundly pwn him muchly. The second Reverse Flash was Eobard Thawn, born in the 25st century with a name so horribly bad, his only allotted course was a life of crime. He used a machine to energize one of the Flashs costumes, still awash with speed force energy so that whenever he wore it he had the Flash’s powers. He called himself Professor Zoom and became a perpetual thorn in the side of the latest Flash, Barry Allen (sans plate). After Barry made us all love him just a little bit more by breaking Thawne’s freaking neck and after his apparent death during the Crisis on Infinite Retcons, Wally West became The Flash. A new Reverse Flash was sure to follow. Hunter Zolomon was a police profiler who became good friends with The Flash, right up until he was paralyzed from the waste down by a giant talking gorilla, which is the kind of thing that’s bound to happen when you hang around super heroes. When Flash refused to go back in time to keep the accident from happening, Zolomon continued on the road towards super villainy and broke into the Flash museum to use the cosmic treadmill himself. It blew up and Zolomon went nuts, but gained the ability to manipulate his own personal timeline effectively faking super speed. He called himself Zoom and targeted not The Flash, but his wife Linda. His reasoning was that a personal tragedy would make The Flash a better hero, proving that not only was he willing to target innocents but also that he wasn’t above using the flimsiest excuse ever to rationalize it.

Douche.

#5- Buffy and Faith

Faith: “Well, look at you. All dressed up in big sister’s clothes.”
Buffy: “You told me I was just like you. That I was holding it in.”
Faith: “Ready to cut loose?”
Buffy: “Try me.”

Even before they became the bitterest of enemies Buffy Summers and Faith Lehane were high school age girls, which gave them ninja-like levels of passive aggressive animosity unknown even to the most diabolical super villain. When Faith first appeared and effortlessly insinuated herself into Buffy’s circle of friends (hereafter known as “the scooby gang” for those of you who have never watched Buffy and found this site accidentally), Buffy was suspicious of Faith’s reckless attitude and unchecked aggression. Ultimately though, it was Faith’s jealousy of Buffy’s stability and relationships (topped off with an accidental murder), that led to her betrayal.  She went to work for the Mayor of Sunnydale (re: evil sunshiny demon) and determined to kill the Slayer. Buffy then got her back by tricking Faith into revealing her true allegiance (with some help from Angel). So Faith shot angel in the chest with an arrow. Then Buffy stabbed her in the gut. After waking up from a coma, Faith then switched bodies with Buffy and assumed her identity while Buffy was captured. She even slept with her then boyfriend Riley (re: *yawn*) while she was disguised as Buffy. When confronted with her own self (in the form of an escaped Buffy) she revealed her own self loathing by beating Buffy all the time screaming at her like she was Faith. Buffy then used the same talisman that caused the switch to put things right.  Faith then walked the path of redemption, accepting the blame for her past crimes and yadda yadda yadda… blah blah blah. Don’t me wrong, I’m all about redemption, but let’s be honest, tell the truth and shame the devil. We like Buffy and Faith best when they’re wailing on each other.

BFF's

#6- Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow

Snake Eyes: “…..”

Waiting to flip out and kill the whole town as soon as some dude drops a fork.

When GI Joe first made it’s debut as the single greatest cartoon of the eighties (outside of Transformers), not much was done with Snake Eyes, the silent masked soldier. Possibly because creators  assumed that a ninja commando was just not interesting enough. But luckily, in the ensuing years someone in charge listened to the fans and so was developed one of the all time great grudge matches. Snake Eyes was a wondering former soldier seeking meaning in life after the death of his parents and sister in a car accident. He found his way to the Arishkage Clan ninjutsu school, where he met Storm Shadow and his uncle, the Hard Master. The two trained together, even becoming sword brothers, but Storm Shadow’s jealousy over his own uncle viewing Snake Eyes as the worthier student ate away at his soul. So in a fit of drastic overreacting he hired Cobra to assassinate the Hard Master. The Arishkage was disbanded, Snake Eyes joined GI Joe, and Storm Shadow joined Cobra. The hostility between them is deep, though I maintain that they’re both so ticked off because even though they’re ninjas and masters of invisibility, Zartan is more stealthy with that whole chamelion thing his skin does.

Making ninjas feel stupid since 1982

The two are both masters of several martial arts and various weapon forms, making them equally matched and making bouts between them equally awesome. But don’t take *MY* word for it… (Warning: The following video is violent yet strangely bloodless.)

#7- Captain Jack Harkness and Captain John Hart

Captain John Hart: “Ok, here’s what’s going to happen – everything you love, everything you treasure will die. I’m going to tear your world apart, Captain Jack Harkness. Piece by piece. Starting now. Maybe *now* you’ll want to spend some time with me.”

In the annals of all arch rivals it’s not unheard of for two enemies to call a truce against a common foe, or for the villain to join the side of the angels, or even for the former adversaries to become friends. Research all you like, to your heart’s content for ages and even so, you’re unlikely to find any canonical instances of a super villain making out with his/her arch enemy. On that note…

...Meet Captain John Hart.

This man wants to either kill you or sleep with you. Actually, it's probably both.

Hart was a rogue time agent and former partner of Jack’s (in *every* sense of the word), who had been through repeated rehabs for alcohol, drugs, sex, and murder addiction. It’s safe to say that none of the aforementioned rehabs stuck. When Captain John Hart made his first appearance, a bar-brawl ensued, followed by some intense second-basing, followed by drinks. After gaining Jack’s trust he managed to take out the entire Torchwood team (as in he incapacitated them, not took them out for cocktails) and tossed Jack off of a roof, assuming he’d killed him. As any fans of the character know, Jack survived (mainly due to the whole immortality thing), and saved John’s life when his scheme to steal a diamond from a former lover backfired. He would go on to trap Jack and the entire team under the rubble of an abandoned building, bomb the living crap out of Cardiff, and bury Jack alive for 2000 years. Jack has yet to do anything in retaliation, possibly because he’s hoping for another make-out session. In addition to the pair’s fondness for period war clothes and similar time watches, John and Jack also share their pansexual preferences, making any meeting between them more than a little creepy. When it was revealed that Hart was under the control of Jack’s long lost brother, Gray, Jack let him go and he opted to wonder the world and see what was so great about the time period. It’s anybody’s guess who’s side he’ll be on when he appears again, but the odds are he’ll probably go to bed with them.

#8- Green Lantern and Sinestro

Sinestro: “What do I want? I want to create a symbol of terror that will wash over the universe. I want that universe controlled with order. And I want all to realize that control comes not out of compassion, love, and hope–but out of fear! Fear leads all!”

They call me Mellow Yellooow...

Imagine a dying alien names you his successor as the keeper of peace in your sector of space and hands you the most powerful weapon on Earth, save one little proviso: it doesn’t work on anything yellow. Now imagine your arch rival, the man sworn to ruin your life, and destroy all you hold dear wields a similar weapon… that makes things that are, you guessed it, yellow. One really is forced to wonder why Hal Jordan never took a look and the situation and called shenanigans, but instead he decided to just deal with it and brutally pwn Sinestro whenever he reared his gigantic purple head. Once Sinestro was the single most highly decorated Green Lantern in the corp, due to the record of peace on his home planet of Korugar. It came to light, however that the reason Korugar was so peaceful was that Sinestro had basically conquered it. He was drummed out of the Green Lantern Corps, due to their “no purple headed despots” rule. Blaming the GL Corps in general and Hal Jordan in particular, Sinestro procured a yellow power ring and declared war. After a pretty distinguished career as a thorn in the side of Green Lantern, Sinestro was finally defeated by Jordan and imprisoned inside the Green Lantern’s power battery on Oa. Strangely, at the time no one was heard to refer to the whole “put-the-super-villain-in-the-source-of-power-for-every-green-lantern-in-the-universe” plan as retarded, or more to the point, suicide. Sinestro awoke the fear entity Parallax, also imprisoned in the battery (seriously, guardians, you never heard of a jail cell?) and the enitity possessed Hal Jordan and caused him to get mideival on reality, breaking Sinestro’s neck in the process. Jordan was finally offed by every superhero ever, who were all of the opinion that they liked reality the way it was, but since there are no pearly gates in superhero heaven, only revolving glass doors, soon both Jordan and Sinestro were resurrected and inflicting power-ring flavored vengeance upon each other. Sinestro has one-upped the corp of late by starting his own “Sinestro Corps” consisting of cosmic bad guys wielding yellow power rings (that run on fear) to counter the green power rings (that run on willpower). Actually, recent writers have gone nuts with the power rings of late; introducing red power rings (that run on rage), blue rings (hope) and rainbow power rings that run on being *FABULOUS*!

No longer the only game in town.

#9- The Hulk and The Abomination

The Abomination: “Any last words?”
The Hulk: “HULK SMASH!”

Kickin' it old school.

They’re big, they’re green and when they get into it, it’s a good bet a few buildings are gonna come down. The real interesting thing about this particular set of brawling behemoths though, lies not in their similarities but in their differences. Bruce Banner was a skinny nerdgeek with anger management issues. Emil blonsky was a KGB spy from Yugoslavia. Who would have thought that a little thing like a gamma bomb would ever bring them together? Some time after Bruce decided to relax in a nice warm gamma radiation bath and found that his temper tantrums now came with a property damage bill, Blonsky was dosed with the same radiation in an attempt to make him into a super being that could go toe to toe with The Hulk. It was a success. Blonsky became The Abomination, a creature with all the strength and regenerative capability of The Hulk, with the added bonus of maintaining his intelligence and self control. The only downside was the tiny, miniscule detail of not being able to revert back to human form (hey nothing’s perfect), and since eleven foot tall reptilian monsters with prehensile tails are kind of hard to snuggle with, Blonsky lost his wife as well. He blamed The Hulk and Bruce Banner for his misfortunes and tried again and again to best him in combat. This proved unsuccessful as punching a creature that’s powered by rage can at best be described as counter-productive. He then went the sneaky route, slowly poisoning Bruce’s wife Betty with his own blood, the idea being that when Bruce saw the gamma radiation in her system, he would blame himself. The ruse was brought to light, however, and Bruce laid the ultimate low blow on Blonsky by forgiving him. If there’s one thing dark reflection super villains can’t stand, it’s being forgiven (see #’s 1 and 5 on this list).

Off Broadway revival of Peter Pan.

#10- Darkwing Duck and Negaduck

Negaduck: “Ooh, Darkwing Duck! I’m so scared!”
Darkwing: “You should be!”
Negaduck: “I’m more afraid of early hair loss!”

The hero is the terror that flaps in the night, the villain is a chainsaw weilding psychopath, and the only hope you have of telling them apart is by the color of their clothes, or perhaps looking out for the one that’ll kick a puppy. The first Negaduck was a being made of particles of negative energy, separated from Darkwing after his good and bad sides were split.

Like so.

Honestly, if you were The Liquidator, would YOU be afraid of a chainsaw? I mean the guy is made of water!

The second was a little more substantial and given a little bit of a backstory. For everything that Darkwing Duck is, Negaduck is the opposite. This has a a lot to do with the fact that he hails from an alternate universe where everything is the opposite of it’s counterpart in the world of St. Canard as we know it. The orange clad feathered foe found his way into Darkwing’s world and proceeded immediately to start trashing the place. He even formed the Fearsome Five, a team of super villains dedicated to crime and destroying Darkwing Duck. One would think that super villains would have trouble getting along but fear of Negaduck kept them all in line. Darkwing in turn gathered the heroes of St. Canard and formed The Justice Ducks to combat this new threat.  Ultimately a three-way showdown was going to appear in a later episode where the first Negadauck mutated off Darkwing’s body and attempted to kill both Darkwing AND Negaduck 2! Unfortunately the show was canceled after the third season and the episode was never realized. Still we’ll always have this little nugget of evil from one of the greatest evil doppelgangers of all time:

Honorable Mention:

Afro Samurai and Afrodroid

Ninja Ninja: ” It’s like I’m watchin’ Afro fighting Afro fighting Afro, or somethin!”

Austin Powers and Dr. Evil

“Did I know that I just met the most dangerous dark wizard of all time? No.”

The Scoop: 2009 PG, Directed by David Yates and starring Daniel Raddcliffe, Rupert Grint and Emma Watson

Tagline: Once again I must ask too much of you, Harry.

Summary Capsule: Young wizard learns about evil guy’s past while his friends get all caught up in teen hormones. And somebody dies. Based on some book you might have heard of.

Justin’s Rating: Love in a time of witchcraft and wizardry

Justin’s Review: I’m currently operating under the theory that there are a couple different versions of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. There’s the Good Version, floating out there somewhere, that takes the best qualities of the book and binds them into a terrific film.  And then there’s the version we got, the Daytime Emmy Version, crafted for soap opera fanatics who wanted a tale heavy on the sap and light on the spells.  Seriously, a little romance is well and good for the soul, but HP6 goes overboard with what can only be described as a sitcom-style bumbling of lips, meaningful glances and thinly-guised pining (for the fjords).  This comes, of course, at the cost of removing the weight of what the story wants to be, because you can’t have all of the characters bemoaning how terrible the world is now that the Dark Lord is on the move while at the same time batting eyes at each other and making kissy faces.

Ugh.

My wife, who in the space of a week after seeing the fifth movie, devoured all seven Potter novels (in a week, mind you), joined the ranks of the “That was NOTHING like the book” club that roams the internet countryside.  And I can’t blame her.  While The Half-Blood Prince wasn’t close to my favorite of the series, the movie version squanders what it did have going for it – a growing sense of dread, characters who make decisions that literally shape their lives, and a finale that rends the world of Hogwarts asunder.  Instead: kissy faces!  Oh!  And love potions!  Note passing!  There’s also an entire scene devoted to dessert eating.

More than anything, HP6 is filler and setup, setting the stage for the seventh book without contributing much of a tale of its own.  The mandatory Big Clues are lobbed at us, but the smaller elements go amiss.

Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived To Be A Pain In The Butt For All Who Call Him “Friend”, returns to Hogwarts for another year of laughs and giggles.  There’s a new professor – Slughorn – who Dumbledore brings on staff so that Harry can play a clumsy con game with, but for the most part the year is spent lurching from scene to scene without a greater sense of purpose.  Harry finds an old potions textbook that allows him to excel in the course; Ron gains the attention of a hormonally overcharged harpy; and Hermione exists so that teenagers can realize what a hottie Emma Watson is becoming (oh, sorry, did I call you out on that?).

It’s not a horrible movie by any means, and not even at the bottom of the Harry Potter filmography, but there is definitely something missing from director David Yates’ latest outing.  Many somethings, actually.  For a movie that’s about magic, there’s precious little of it except for a few big scenes – heck, most of the pictures in the background don’t even move any more.  Add to that scene transitions that are, frankly, clunky, and secondary characters that I assume appeared only so that they could be thrown into a two-second spot in the trailer for all they did or said.  There’s very little soul, too little emotion, and a Grand Canyon-sized gap where fun used to be.

The most egregious offense, in my eyes, is tied between two issues.  The first is that this is the first Harry Potter movie where it no longer feels as though they’re in a magical world, just the normal world with magic thrown in as a side garnish.  The second has to do with the bigger plot elements that includes gobs of spoilers, so skip the next couple paragraphs if that sort of thing is antithema to you.

The main threat to Hogwarts comes as evil Lord Voldemort has recruited teen Draco Malfoy to assassinate the headmaster.  Yet, from start to finish, this is all bungled.  In the film, Voldemort never actually shows up, but is relegated to a background “boogeyman” status.  It’s never quite specified why Draco is doing this – it’s hinted at that it has something to do with restoring his family’s honor with the Big V, but I’ll bet you most non-book readers in the audience have no idea why that is necessary (even if they saw the previous film).  Draco’s supposed to be under terrible stress and strain because of this task, but he’s never humanized in doing so – the movie keeps showing him stalking around the school and looking all frowny-like, but since he’s given barely any dialogue until the end, there’s no connection made between him and the audience.

Finally, when the big act happens, nothing really clicks.  Harry stands by without doing a single thing (in the book he was magically bound and inable to help; here he just kind of uselessly observes), there’s barely any tension on Snape’s behalf as he intervenes (which is supposed to be a shocking betrayal, but the movie lobs hint after hint that he’s still a good guy), the final showdown between Harry and Snape is nothing more than a brief chase in which Harry gets smacked down a couple times, and then it… ends.  Oh, and we learn that wizards grieve over one of their most beloved leaders dying much the same way that concert goers honor Metallica – by raising a light to the sky and shouting “ENCORE!”  A climactic battle in the school and a touching funeral that took place in the book were inexplicably cut from the film, because – and this is the reason I’ve seen from the filmmakers – that they didn’t want to steal the thunder from the last film.  So they just go ahead and neuter this one, bravo.  It’s all just so blah.

Hogwarts is no longer a school that teaches anything; it’s just a setting for snooping and snogging and Snape-ing.

Want a second opinion?  Check out Courtney’s review here!

Wizards and their hot dog-themed shirts

Didja Notice?

• The awful, awful scene transitions where a scene peters out without doing or saying much of anything and then just ending so that we could move on?
• Dumbledore uses the line “I bet you’re wondering why I brought you here” twice…
• [Spoiler] Harry tries to use a spell on Snape, Snape reveals that it was his own spell from his potions book… but why would a said-out-loud spell be in a potions book?
• I liked Fred and George’s new store, but it’s a pity nothing really happens in that scene.
• All of the people clearly get off the bridge before it collapses, but then the newspaper reports fatalities?
• Are the Death Eaters the smoke monster from Lost?

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Prisoner of Azkaban
• Order of the Phoenix

Suddenly, I sat up straight, reading and re-reading the announcement.  With one swift motion, I flipped up the protective cover on the wall and hit the big red button that squatted there ever since we moved.  An ear-splitting alarm rang out through the entire house, joined by my baby’s startled howls.

My wife ran downstairs to find me hurredly pulling on some pants.  “What’s going on?” she demanded.  “The neighbors can hear that!  God can hear that!”

“It’s happened!” I declared.  “I pushed the big red button!”

“The big red—“  Her eyes grew wide.  “I’ll get the car.”

We left so quickly that one might assume that hell itself was on our heels.  For on that day, Parker Lewis Can’t Lose season 1 had released, and nothing was going to stop me from procuring a copy.

Maybe I’m being silly.  After all, this is a show that’s almost 20 years old, a product of the garish early 90’s where colors kept getting brighter, pants grew more poofy, and flattops reigned supreme until Kurt Cobain said, “No more!”  It’s a good show, an amusing comedy, but nothing side-splitting – a sort of bastard child of Ferris Bueller, Saved by the Bell and the early Fox network, and a distant ancestor to late 2000 shows like Scrubs.  So why is Parker Lewis so important to me?

Part of it comes from personal history and taste: at the time Parker Lewis launched, I too was in high school, which made this a rare conjoining of TV virtuality and my personal reality.  I grew up loving the “kids reign supreme over dummy adults” genre, especially in school settings.  I would’ve killed for friends like Parker or Mikey or even Jerry during those lonely years of my life, so watching them in action was the next best thing.

But part of it was that this was a solid show, innovative before its time: it was a comedy without a soundtrack, it featured lots of crazy camera work, and the main character had an inner narration that both broke the fourth wall and drew us into the story.  The characters all existed on a more cartoonish plane of existence than us, but not so far removed as to be fully unbelievable.

I went through the history of how this show came to be in a much earlier article on MRFH, which you can read here. In a nutshell, Parker Lewis was created as a Ferris Bueller ripoff/homage, but at the same time when there was an actual Ferris Bueller TV series.  Fox stuck with Lewis for three seasons, whereas Bueller bombed after a mere 13 episodes (and only became notable for the fact that a young Jennifer Aniston had a role in it).  Parker Lewis enjoyed a decent run, and was retooled in the third season as less comedy, less zaniness, more serious drama.  After that the show was canned, but the cult love for it remained.

There’s something about Parker Lewis Can’t Lose that perfectly encapsulates the 1988-1993 era, and going through the first season is a true blast from the past.  When Milli Vanilli is mentioned as there’s a Die Hard 2 poster in the background and colorful, “wacky” credits are flashed on the bottom of the screen, you can tell that this was a show that was desperate to connect with the pop culture teens of the day.  Sure, the look and references might be completely laugh-worthy today, as those years are often cited with the same tone of one disposing of roadkill, but at the time, that’s what we liked.  We liked those stupid plastic neon sunglasses, we thought incredibly baggy button-down silk shirts were cool, and we knew all of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles inside and out.  Don’t be ashamed of the past; embrace it!

Parker (Corin Nemec, S.S. Doomtrooper) is a cocky, self-assured leader of sorts at Domingo High School.  He wears untucked shirts that are an offense to the eye, has a plan for everything, and is at constant war with the school’s ultra-evil principal Grace Musso (Melanie Chartoff, Dr. Dolittle 3).  Parker survives and thrives in the high school environment with the help of his two “best buds”: rock ‘n roller Mikey (Billy Jayne, Extreme Ghostbusters) and trenchcoat-wearing nerd Jerry (Troy W. Slaten, Superhuman Samurai Syber-Squad).  The three buds operate from their secret HQ in a room above the gym, and more or less have the school wrapped around their fingers… until things fall apart, as they are wont to do.

The best buds have some solid opposition, however.  In addition to Principal Musso, they have to contend with Steven Segal-lookalike Frank Lemmer (Taj Johnson, Samantha), Parker’s snitty little sister Shelly (Maia Brewton, Adventures in Babysitting), and human wall-thing Kubiac (Abraham Benrubi, Miss Congeniality 2).  Not to mention that Parker is far from invincible – many of his schemes backfire to varying degrees of horror – but he always seems to have another plan waiting in the wings.

The show really is a parody of high school and its conventions, which are still true today as they were back then.  Among their adventures include discovering and re-staffing a pirate radio station in the basement, giving a dating confidence seminar, Parker trying to deliberately lose the race for class president, and the clash of “old school” and new, as the 1970 class reunion shows Parker that his dad was a lot more like him than he previously realized.

As I said before, this isn’t a laugh-out-loud-every-minute type show, but it still earns quite a few chuckles for me, at least when I’m not amazed by how much Parker Lewis is like J.D. from Scrubs.  There’s a great balance achieved in many areas here: there’s enough fantasy elements to be interesting but not too many to make this into a cartoon; Parker is smarmy and confident, yet doesn’t cross the line into annoying arrogance; and no matter what the story of the week is, the show keeps the tone light and zippy.  No “on a very special episode of Parker Lewis” stories here.

Parker Lewis made high school a bit more bearable for me, and I guess that’s why it really can’t lose even 20 years later.  Sirs, we have achieved coolness.

“You probably think this world is a dream come true… but you’re wrong.”

The Scoop: 2009 PG, directed by Henry Selick and starring Dakota Fanning, Teri Hatcher and Keith David

Tagline: Be careful what you wish for.

Summary Capsule: Little girl explores her house to find… another house, her house, but not quite.

Justin’s Rating: I just naturally operate under the assumption that behind every door is Narnia.

Justin’s Review: “It’s not CAROline, it’s CORAline,” the star of our motion picture constantly corrects.  We’re not quite sure why her parents up and reversed the vowels to make an odd-sounding name, but that’s the least of her worries in this wonderful fantasy flick from the mind of Neil Gaiman.

Coraline is a young adult/children’s book that Gaiman wrote back in 2002 that explored the fantasy staple of going through a portal to another world (see: Lion, Witch and Wardrobe, et al).  The twist, in both the book and the film, was that the new world in question was just like our current world – a parallel world, if you may – except everything seemed better.

Seemed.

Young Coraline (voiced by Dakota Fanning) is despondant over a family move to the rainy Pacific northwest – I don’t know why she’s down, at least now she can fall in love with a sparkly vampire and have lots of non-sexual snugglies – and takes to exploring her new home as both her parents are too preoccupied with a major writing project to keep her company.  The more she looks, the more reality seems to unravel; perhaps it’s the socially dysfunctional Wybie, the incredibly tall Russian mouse trainer, the eerie black cat that follows her everywhere, or the two retired actresses in the basement.  Or perhaps, even, it’s a small door in a non-descript room that appears to be bricked in, except at night.

Through the door she goes, and into a house exactly like hers – except, as mentioned before, everything’s much better, her parents pay attention to her, the annoying kid is mute, and wonders are just around the corner.  Oh, and everyone has buttons for eyes.

Say what?  It’s here where Neil Gaiman injects his particular blend of dark fantasy, where you’re not quite sure if you should be feeling dread or excitement.  Yes, things are off in the “other” world, but who wouldn’t want to explore this place if given half the chance?

Fans of the stop-motion claymation films The Nightmare Before Christmas and James and the Giant Peach will be tickled pink that director Henry Selick returns to helm Coraline and give it its distinctive Hot Topic look.  (Man, we pick on that store a lot around here, don’t we?)  When compared to hand-drawn animation or CGI, claymation has a certain raw solidity to it that is hard to duplicate otherwise.  Applied to a fantasy setting, it gives the settings and characters the right sort of tone that you’d expect if you were sitting down with a large illustrated storybook.  Your eyes won’t be disappointed in the least, here.  Unless they’re buttoned up.

Your mind might be, however.  Although, taken as a whole, Coraline is a great flick, it’s also a trifle long (odd, for such a painstaking process like claymation) and full of silences and pauses where the story doesn’t halt so much as take a catnap.  One way of looking at it would be to applaud a filmmaker who’s not afraid to let silence have a place in the story, but another way would be to say “hurry UP!”  The plot had to be lengthened from the book, so there’s a lot more dithering back and forth between the worlds, and the main crisis doesn’t take form until well into the third act.

Still, the kids in my theater (and there were legions of them) were utterly silent, entranced by this movie, even through its darker parts, and that speaks to great lengths of how well the ultimate effect of the movie works.  By the end, you really have come to like the unique, odd personalities, including Coraline, and I wasn’t disappointed, even though I couldn’t see the 3D effects with my gimpy left eye.

So kids, if you find a peculiar door in your explorations that goes who-knows-where, don’t be afraid to crawl right on through!  Just be aware that you might lose cell phone reception and your sanity.

Yum!

Didja Notice?

• In the trailer, when they show Coraline’s other father he is wearing Monkeybone slippers. Monkeybone was another film directed by Henry Selick.
• References to Michigan and Detroit
• In the Other World the Other Mother is making Coraline an omelette. She cracks and egg and when it drops in to the bowl you can see that the egg yolk is the face of Jack Skellington from Nightmare Before Christmas

Intermission

• At one hour and forty minutes long, this is the longest stop-motion film to date and was the first stop-motion animated feature to be shot entirely in 3-D.

Groovy Quotes

Cat: You probably think this world is a dream come true… but you’re wrong.

Sweet Ghost Girl: Be clever, Miss. She’ll never let you leave, even if you win the game.

Coraline Jones: How can you walk away from something and then come towards it?
Cat: Walk around the world.
Coraline Jones: Small world.

Coraline Jones: I think I heard someone calling you… Wyborn.
Wybie Lovat: What? I didn’t hear anything.
Coraline Jones: Oh, I definitely heard someone… Why-were-you-born.

Mr. Bobinsky: I am the Amazing Bobinsky! But you- call me Mr. B. Because, amazing, I already know that I am.

Other Father: So sharp, you won’t feel a thing…

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• The Nightmare Before Christmas
• Lion, Witch and Wardrobe