The Scoop: 1993  PG-13.  Directed by Yuen Wo Ping and starring Donnie Yen, Rongguang Yu, and Jean Wang.

Tagline: Sometimes the only way to become a hero is to be an outlaw.

Summary Capsule: A masked hero battles greedy governors, misled martial artists, and royal pains in the neck in nineteenth-century China.

Al’s Rating: If I had to choose a superpower, it would totally be ‘Flying Sleeves.’

Al’s Review: Everybody remembers their first.  I remember mine.  I was sixteen and I had been invited over to “hang out” after working a Saturday shift at the local movie theater.  I walked down those basement stairs a boy and, two hours later, strode out a man.  It all started like this:

“What do you mean you’ve never seen Iron Monkey?”

And I didn’t know what to say.  Frankly, I don’t know what I had been doing with my life before I found Hong Kong cinema.  I think I had seen Rumble in the Bronx once or twice and I could probably identify Jackie Chan in a lineup (probably), but I had never imagined that men and women could move this fast.  Or that I could laugh and cheer at a film where I knew I didn’t get all the nuances.  Or even just that a movie with subtitles could be this good.  And the great thing about Yuen Wo Ping’s Iron Monkey is that, after more than a decade of kung fu films, it still holds up as a shining example of the genre and one of my all-time favorite action flicks.

The story is simple, revolving around the mysterious Iron Monkey (Yu Rongguang)—a Zorro-type hero who fights against the city of Chiekang’s corrupt bureaucrats and steals from their treasuries to distribute amongst the downtrodden townsfolk.  By day, he is the gentle Dr. Yang, a local physician who provides free medical care for the city soldiers (most of whom get injured in the Monkey’s raids) with the help of his beautiful assistant, Miss Orchid (Jean Wang).

After a particularly embarrassing incident, Governor Cheng learns that the emperor’s Royal Minister is on his way to clean up Chiekang and Cheng demands the police force start rounding up all civilians deemed ‘suspicious.’  His captives include people practicing Monkeyfist kung fu, people climbing on ladders, people sneezing like monkeys, and even actual monkeys.  Amongst those taken in are Wong Kei-Ying (Donnie Yen), a famous traveling monk, and his son, Wong Fei-Hung (played by a girl, Angie Tsang, but not so you’d notice).  When the officials discover that they are holding the famous kung fu boxer, they imprison Fei-Hung in the Governor’s dungeon and force Kei-Ying track down the Iron Monkey and deliver him to the court.

The first, and arguably best, thing about Iron Monkey is that it’s funny.  Unlike Jet Li and Bruce Lee, who are constantly brooding and driven by revenge, Donnie Yen and Yu Rongguang are a little more like Spider-Man, bouncing around the room, peppering their opponents with quips as often as kicks.  They’re clearly enjoying the heck out of their characters and aren’t afraid to make the most of their roles.  It’s also full of broad physical humor, but it’s never so over the top that it gets silly (see: Tai Chi Master) and goes a long way to stop the film from ever becoming so dark or serious that it needs an enema.

The action, naturally, is top notch.  Donnie Yen is stellar as always and, although I haven’t seen Yu Rongguang outside this movie, he keeps up with Donnie kick-for-blindingly fast kick and carries the movie well.  The other ingredient needed for a successful action film, of course, is a memorable villain and Iron Monkey doesn’t disappoint here either.  James Wong is hilarious as the greedy, sniveling Governor, while Shi-Kwan Yen and Fai Li are memorably evil as the deadly Royal Minister and his bodyguard, the Shaolin Nun.

The fighting ranges from crowded marketplaces to slanted rooftops to a burning field of wooden posts, and never once does it feel old or tired.  Yuen Wo Ping has always staged the best fights in the business, and, in Iron Monkey, every setpiece radiates the energy and creativity of a master at work.

Beyond all that macho stuff, however, what really sets Iron Monkey apart for me is the heart it displays.  The relationships feel real and the film is smart enough to occasionally slow down and let them breathe in between the crazy action and cheesy melodrama (is there any other kind?).  Kei-Ying and Fei-Hung have a charming father/son/teacher/student dynamic and I absolutely love the more mature father/daughter interaction between Miss Orchid and Dr. Yang.  There’s even a glancing bit of romance that manages to be sweet without ever getting syrupy.

If I have to complain about something, it would have to be the way you are probably going to watch Iron Monkey.  Chances are, the version you will get your hands on is going to be the 2001 “Quentin Tarantino Presents” edition.  While I applaud QT’s desire to bring this little bit of Eastern awesomeness into our world, Miramax has *ahem* tailored the film for Western audiences.  The violence is toned down, some of the humor has been eliminated for fear it would confuse us dumb Americans, and—my real gripe—the excellent musical score has been completely dumped in favor of a sweeping Crouching Tiger-esque orchestra that feels out of place in a film that isn’t trying to be epic—just a whole lot of fun.  I’m not saying to skip the movie if that’s the edition can find, I’d only mention that there are better versions out there if you have an option.

When Iron Monkey ended that Saturday in the basement, I felt like something significant had changed in me.  That sounds silly, I know, but it’s true.  I had seen a movie that no one else had ever heard of, and yet I knew that if they could see what I saw they would love it like I did.  I wasn’t even sure if there was a word for that kind of movie, until a year or so later when I found this weird little website that wrote everything in slime green.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that this is a movie I should have reviewed a long, long time ago.  If you haven’t seen Iron Monkey, then you owe it to yourself to check it out.  If you have, I think it’s time to get reacquainted.  In short: I don’t think movies get much better than this.

Here, sniff this. I swear it smells like vanilla.

Didja Notice?

• Doctor Yang can take two pulses at once?  And write two prescriptions!
• Chief Fox has a birthmark that looks like New Jersey?
• The ‘falling’ autumn leaves are really clearly being thrown at the camera from offscreen?
• Maybe if I could clean my room like that I would do it more often.
• The ‘angry monkey’ drawing thrown at the greedy villager?
• Tip-tsi cures swelling?  Never forget it!
• Fei Hung’s trademark umbrella fighting and staff fighting?
• All the emotional fan waving going on?
• Shaolin cooking?
• Donnie Yen does my favorite No-Shadow kick.
• The evil Shaolin nun?  *Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!*
• Miss Orchid disguised as the royal attaché?  Love it.
• The Royal Minister’s Shaolin guards all have facial scars?
• The handprint-shaped bruise left by Shaolin Buddha’s Palm?
• Chief Fox is sharper than he looks?
• The Royal Minister kills a man with a cherry tomato?
• Donnie Yen holding the business end of a burning pole with his bare hand?  Awesome.

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

Nope.

Intermission!

The director of Iron Monkey, Yuen Wo Ping, is probably best known in America as the fight choreographer for The Matrix.

Unnecessary Background

Although Dr. Yang and Miss Orchid are fictional characters, Wong Kei-Ying and Wong Fei-Hung were real people.  Kei-Ying was a respected martial artist and herbalist in the early nineteenth century.  Fei-Hung grew up to be a wandering physician and martial artist.  He was master of Hung Ga and legendarily fought with the staff (as in Iron Monkey) and southern tiger fork.  He was renowned for protecting the weak and fighting injustice all over China.  Today, he is considered one of the country’s greatest folk heroes.  He died at the age of seventy-six on March 25th, 1924.

In cinema, Wong Fei-Hung has been the subject of over 100 films.  To Americans, his best known portrayals are likely by Jet Li in Once Upon A Time in China and Jackie Chan in Drunken Master.  Numerous sources report him as the most portrayed character in movie history.  Wong Fei-Hung also often fought while calling out the names of the stances he used.  This is the likely origin of the kung-fu genre’s inclination for its characters to do the same.

Groovy Quotes

Guard: Those Shaolin monks are so severe!
Chief Fox: I would smack them, but its snack time.

Iron Monkey: Don’t blink or you’ll miss the fun!

Peasant #1: Add more bark.  It’ll taste better.
Peasant #2: But the soup already tastes like a tree!

Attaché:  Governor!  The monkey is showing his ass!

Governor Cheng:  What kind of monster would shave my eyebrow?

Governor Cheng: Is that really the royal fan?
Chief Fox: I had the honor of being struck by it!

Fei Hung [to himself]:  Wow.  My kung-fu is pretty good.

Wong Kei Ying: A strong man sheds blood before he sheds tears!

Fei Hung [staff fighting] : “Rod that Sweeps Away Injustice!”  “A Strong Force Flows From North to South!”
Monk:  Don’t let him chant!  No chanting!

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Shaolin Soccer
• Legend of Drunken Master
• Kung Fu Colt Master

“I’m trying to tell your wife that I’m in love with her.

The Scoop: 1994  R, directed by Rory Kelly and starring Meg Tilly, Eric Stoltz, and Craig Sheffer.

Tagline: A romantic comedy brave enough to say those three magic words.

Summary Capsule: Sex ruins everything.

Al’s Rating: These three so completely deserve each other.  I’m just gonna go hang out with their friends while they whine.

Al’s Review: There’s a famous scene in Sleep with Me.  Not ‘horse head in a bed’ famous or anything, but well-known enough that it makes the rounds on the internet every few months.  It features Quentin Tarantino at a house party, explaining the brilliant subversiveness of the script to Top Gun.  Top Gun, he proclaims, is not simply about jets and testosterone, but is, in fact, a metaphor for a man coming to grips with his own homosexuality.  It’s funny and clever and delivered in Tarantino’s typical 90-miles-a-minute-without-slowing-for-crosswalks style.

It’s a shame that the rest of Sleep With Me can’t keep up with it.  The movie’s actual story follows a love triangle of best friends Joseph (Eric Stoltz), Sarah (Meg Tilly), and Frank (Craig Sheffer).  As the film opens, Joseph and Sarah get engaged during a road trip after much poking and prodding from Frank.  The day before the wedding, however, Sarah admits to Frank that once, a few years ago, she considered going after him while she and Joseph were fighting.  This sends Frank spiraling out of control as he wrestles with feelings he thought he had put to bed a long time ago.

It’s a solid romantic comedy premise, marred only by the creeping realization that you want desperately to throttle the characters onscreen.  Frank rapidly devolves into an emo schlemiel, vacillating between being anxious, irritable, and creepy, while Joseph and Sarah do nothing but argue and sulk and give each other stinkeyes from across the room until they can barely stand to be around each other.  They’re great performances; I just don’t actually want to sit through them.

The good news, however, is that Sleep With Me is from the early nineties, placing it smack in the middle of the post-Clerks/Pulp Fiction ‘slacker comedy’ boom.  As a result, Frank, Joseph, and Sarah have a Greek chorus of loser/philosopher friends who sit around drinking, smoking, and playing poker while snarking about life and relationships.  They are funny, weird, and partially composed of Parker Posey and Joey Lauren Adams, so I instantly award cool points.  The banter never quite reaches Kevin Smith levels of fascinating banality (ooh, college words) but really does a good job helping you forget that our protagonists are so earlobe-tearingly awful.

So, do I recommend Sleep With Me?  I don’t really know.  It’s got some funny dialogue in it.  It’s got Top Gun being outed in public.  It’s got Joey Lauren Adams and Parker Posey.  Maybe it’s worth a watch when you’re in one of those moods where you just want to wear lots of flannel and listen to Beck.  For those of you who don’t get in those moods?  Youtube is this way; check out Quentin Tarantino and Top Gun, and then you can probably get back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Want another opinion? Check out Kym, Justin, and Mark’s reviews here!

This man was nearly Marty McFly. Personally, I think we dodged a bullet.

Didja Notice?

• Frank’s beret?  With the moustache, too?  And a scarf?  Oh, man.
• Nothing dates a movie as fast as gas prices.
• The Clerks title card thing?
• Vanessa Angel as Frank’s date?
• Joseph remembering being born?
• Leo is way too serious about poker night?
• June Lockheart as the horribly boring mother-in-law?
• Parker Posey?  Rowr.
• Leo is randomly in a wheelchair in the last scene?

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

Just for the funky soundtrack.

Intermission!

The premise of Sleep With Me was divided into six parts and written by six screenwriters, all friends.

Groovy Quotes

Joseph: You’re telling me that the reason you’re named Frank is because your mother slept with Sinatra? What about your father?
Frank: My father never slept with Sinatra. Just my mother.

Joseph: You’re always teaming up with him.  You’re supposed to be on my side.
Sarah: But then I would always be wrong, too.

Duane: I know I teased you both about the pitfalls of marriage over the years.  I just wanted to say… why didn’t you listen?

Duane: I perceive a homoerotic subtext here.

Deborah: I think you would like men a lot less if you were married to one.

Joseph: What the hell is going on here?
Frank: I’m trying to tell your wife that I’m in love with her.

Duane: You know what she said to me?  She said I was full of “inner rage.”  Can you believe that?  I should have popped her right then.  Bitch.

Leo: Congratuations, Rory, you’ve picked an emotion.

Nigel: I think you two should kiss and make up.  Or beat the crap out of each other.  That would be interesting, too.

Caroline: I’ll not stay in this house a minute longer!
Nigel: I’m timing you!

QT: And what is the last f—ing line that they have together? They’re all hugging and kissing and happy with each other, and Ice comes up to Maverick, and he says, “Man, you can ride my tail, anytime!” And what does Maverick say? “You can ride mine!”

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Radio Inside
• Empire Records
• Knocked Up

”This is John Connor. If you are listening to this, you are the resistance.

The Scoop: PG-13 2009, directed by McG and starring Christian Bale and Sam Worthington

Tagline: The End Begins

Summary Capsule: John Connor fights the Future War while a death row inmate from 2003 tries to figure out how he wound up in 2018.

Al’s Rating: Me and you, McG?  We’re done, professionally.

Al’s Review: Have any of you ever read fanfic?  I’ll bet a lot of you have.  For anyone who doesn’t know, fanfics (fan fiction) are stories written by the fans of a particular series for no other reason than they love the characters and think it would be cool if they fought/teamed up/had sex with Buffy/Data/the cast of Dragonball Z.  It’s like when you were five and you mixed your X-men action figures with your G.I. Joes.

A lot of fanfic is atrocious, as you’d expect, but some of it is surprisingly good.  The major problem with most of it, though, is that, no matter how earth-shattering the events of the story seem to be, you know nothing will ever truly change because the writers cannot violate the established canon of the franchise.  In other words, no serious Star Wars fanfic is going to kill off Han Solo unless they plan on bringing him back by the last chapter.  The author simply doesn’t have the authority to do something like that.

Terminator Salvation struck me as fanfic almost immediately.  All of the important characters are there, like John Connor, Kate Brewster and Kyle Reese.  The badass machines we glimpsed in T1, T2, and T3 get extended action sequences where we see them in all their computer-generated glory.  We even get a mysterious, laconic protagonist who conveniently needs the whole situation exposited to him for our benefit.

But, like any fanfic, what happens in Terminator Salvation simply doesn’t matter.  Will John’s bold plan to wipe out the machines and end the war work?  Not a chance.  Will Kyle Reese be killed by the machines who have targeted him for termination?  Get real.  It’s just the director playing with action figures that have to go back in the box when he’s done.

The dialogue is a step down from Judgment Day and Rise of the Machines, taking itself so seriously that I was afraid the characters might break if they were ever allowed to crack a smile.  The plot sabotages itself by taking a promising idea and saddling it with a narrative structure that eliminates any ambiguity or suspense (not to mention a trailer that spoils the whole thing).  Even the action, for all it’s wham-bam CGI glory, is boring beyond description, featuring the same giant robot monsters, daring escapes, and massive property damage that summer action movies have been required to showcase for about fifteen years.

To try and express myself a little better, I sat down and did some math in the course of writing this review.  The original Terminator features a flashback/forward of The Future War that lasts exactly three minutes, forty seconds.  Kyle Reese and a fellow soldier avoid a hunter-killer gunship, we get the nickel tour of humanity’s squalid living conditions, and the scene fades out as a terminator infiltrates the barracks and opens fire.

Working with a much larger budget, our vision of The Future War in Terminator 2 is naturally much more epic:  There are giant explosions, a sky full of H-K gunships, and a half-dozen skeletal terminators walking over a field of human skulls.  It’s ineffably cool.  It’s also only two minutes and twenty-eight seconds.  In fact, if I stretch the definition and include the ‘burning playground’ opening credits and Sarah’s nuclear bomb nightmare, the total Future War screen time for Terminator 2 (Special Edition) clocks in at six minutes, two seconds.

Two movies, adding up to nearly four-and-a-half hours of film, show us The Future War for a total of nine minutes and forty-two seconds.  In under ten minutes, James Cameron gave us a vision of Judgment Day that was both fascinating and terrifying.  Nine minutes and forty-two seconds that have been burned into the minds of every Terminator fan for twenty years.

Terminator Salvation, on the other hand, spends it’s entire 115 minutes exploring The Future War.  We’re taken across blasted-out battlefields, through ruined cities, and into terminator construction centers—literally from the highest skies to the deepest seas of Earth, circa 2018.  Yet, in nearly two hours, the film failed to produce a single image with the power of the playgrounds burning or of scattered bones being crushed underfoot.  Nothing even close.

Terminator Salvation is a pretender sequel that has none of the drama, none of the action, and none of the style that befits a true Terminator movie.  It’s mediocre fan fiction that somehow made it up on the big screen.  But, who knows, maybe in the next one we’ll get to see John Connor team up with Conan the Barbarian!  That’s what all the kids are writing about on the internet, right?

Toothpaste is a luxury on the battlefield, making this conversation even more uncomfortable than it looks.

Didja Notice?

• Michael Ironside in the underwater sub?  I like that.
• So… there’s a machine that looks and acts exactly like a motorcycle?  Uh, okay.
• No Derek Reese?
• Guns and Roses survived Judgment Day?
• Marcus’s Great Escape-style bike jump?
• The eel bots?  “Now John Connor did not get eaten by the eels at this time…”
• The machines’ plan for Marcus is pretty hopelessly convoluted, no?
• The machines don’t kill Kyle Reese even though they have him captured and identified and he’s number one on their kill list?  Lame.
• The T-800 just seems to throw John Connor around a lot instead of, oh, I don’t know, terminating him?
• How John gets his facial scar?
• John recovers surprisingly well from a stab wound in the heart?

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

No.

Intermission!

The rumored original ending of the film had John Connor killed off and his skin grafted onto Marcus’s cybernetic body “to keep his image alive.”  It was reportedly changed after the ending leaked onto the internet.  Some sources, however, dispute that an alternate ending ever existed.

Groovy Quotes

Kyle Reese: Come with me if you want to live.

Marcus Wright: What day is it? What year?
Kyle Reese: 2018.
Marcus Wright: What happened here?
Kyle Reese: Judgment Day happened.

John Connor: This is John Connor. If you are listening to this, you are the resistance.

Kate Connor: What should I tell your men when they find out you’re gone?
John Connor: I’ll be back.

Marcus Wright: If you’re going to point a gun, you’d better be ready to pull the trigger.

Kyle Reese: You want to know the difference between us and machines? We bury our dead.  But no one is coming to bury you.

Marcus Wright:  The idea is to stay alive.  I’m driving.

John Connor: You and me, we’ve been at war since before either of us even existed. You tried killing my mother, Sarah Connor. You killed my father, Kyle Reese. You will not kill me!

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Terminator 2: Judgment Day
• The Road Warrior
• Resident Evil: Extinction

The Scoop: 2008 PG-13 Directed by Pierre Morel and starring Liam Neeson and Famke Janssen

Tagline: They took his daughter. He’ll take their lives.

Summary Capsule: EX CIA spook goes on a 90 minute killing spree to get back his kidnapped daughter.

Al’s Rating: Liam Neeson is all out of bubblegum…

Al’s Review: As a red-blooded American male, I will sit happily through any action movie you throw my way. Shaft, Blade, S.W.A.T., whatever. Sly and Arnold, Van Damme and Seagal, Jason Statham and Vin Diesel—on a rainy Sunday, I’ll take any or all. After watching several dozen of these movies, however, I reached an interesting realization: the hero really doesn’t matter. I mean, yes, they need to look gritty and say things like, “Get off my plane!” but, in the end, he (or she) is really just playing second banana to bad guys. Not even just the big important baddies, either; I’m talking about the street punks with ski masks and bad aim. The success of the movie is going to depend on how much we want to see these guys go splat. If they’re just random nogoodniks who picked the wrong crimelord to roll with, then who really cares? But have them steal your girlfriend and kill your partner one day before retirement? Now we’re talking.

All of which brings me my feel-good movie of the year, Taken. It has a Big Damn Hero, a Big Nasty Villain, and a body count that would make James Bond blush. Our villains du jour are a European slavery ring operating out of Paris, France. Slavers, like Nazis and people who drive in front of me on the highway, have a naturally high splat factor and so we’re perfectly happy to watch a large numbers of them die in the most violent ways possible.

Lucky for us, our Big Damn Hero is Brian Mills, played by Liam Neeson. Brian is a retired U.S. government-issue badass, a “preventer,” he tells his daughter, Kimmy (Maggie Grace). A man who stops bad things from happening. But when Kim is kidnapped on vacation, Brian comes out of retirement to take names and bust skulls until he has her back.

Neeson is great, which is no surprise. He lends a lot of authenticity to the character and credibility to the movie as a whole. Like I said, though, the movie’s not really about Brian Mills—it’s all about the splat factor, which is through the roof. The villains are such slimy, soul-blackened people that not even the script can muster any respect or sympathy for them. There’s no Mr. Big at the top of the food chain. No ringleader. No final showdown. Just thugs. Small time and big time; thugs dressed in tuxedos and thugs behind desks. Street pimps, gang leaders, corrupt officials, and elite multibillionaires—they are all equal in the eyes of a vengeful father. These are disgusting, evil people engaged in a horrifying (and all too real) black market trade. They are the lowest form of life and, as the audience, we are happy to paint the targets on their foreheads ourselves.

The movie is a lean 85 minutes, which is probably a good thing. Plot holes and logical inconsistencies (and there are plenty) disappear under relentless action as Brian takes apart his enemies, like a mix of Dirty Harry and Jack Bauer. There is no thought to this movie, nothing reflective or contemplative. It doesn’t even pretend. This is a movie about predator and prey, and it’s the most fun I’ve had with an action film in ages. They don’t like ‘em like this anymore.

Want a second opinion?  Check out Mike’s review here!

Not pictured: the light at the end of the tunnel he's about to send you into.

Didja Notice?

• The CIA is apparently WAY more on top of things than we’re led to believe.
• Why exactly did Mills have to scale a wall to get into the girl’s room? Couldn’t he have just entered through a door?
• Seeing as how Mills always goes in unarmed, it’s convenient how the thugs keep supplying him with weapons.
• The difference between the weight of a gun that is loaded and one that is not loaded is of extreme importance.
• Liam Neeson cannot be killed by conventional weaponry.

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

Nah.

Intermission!

• The fighting art primarily used in this movie is Nagasu Do.
• Former Special Air Service soldier Mick Gould trained Liam Neeson in combat and weapons handling skills to prepare him for the role.

Groovy Quotes

Bryan: How about this? How about if I go along? You won’t even know I’m there. I’m very good at being invisible.
Lenore: As you so amply demonstrated for the rest of her life.

Bryan: I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Bryan: That is what happens when you sit behind a desk. You forget things, like the weight in the hand of a gun that’s loaded and one that’s not.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Death Sentence
• The Bourne Identity
• Commando

They aren’t the reason you show up to the theater.  No one builds a marketing campaign around their face.

But when they do make their appearance, be it a quick cameo, a three-scene bit part, or major supporting role, they elevate everything else in the film.

They turn bad movies in good ones and good movies into classics. For their hard work and dedication, we at MRFH award them The Mutant Cross for Bravery and Excellence in the Face of Cinematic Mediocrity.

Gentlemen, stand and be recognized!

Clint Howard

Everybody knows Clint Howard; he could quite possibly be the hardest working man in show business. He has one of the most identifiable faces in the business and, according to the Internet Movie Database, has made 193 film and television appearances to date. Usually in bit parts and appearing in almost the entire filmography of his brother, Ron Howard, Clint has nevertheless built up his own dedicated base of fans that can appreciate his esoteric nature and, of course, his almost unparalleled ability to mold his face like silly putty.

In 1998, Clint received MTV’s Lifetime Achievement Award. According to MTV News Anchor John Norris, that win was when the award, previously a gag category for characters like Godzilla and Chewbacca, became a legitimate recognition of someone who has worked hard and attained real success. Now there’s a new reason to dust off his awards shelf.

CROWNING ACHIEVEMENT

Ice Cream Man. One of Clint’s few starring roles is also one of his best performances. The movie itself misses more often than it hits, but the gross-out factor of popped eyeballs and cockroaches masquerading as ice cream toppings alone is worth the price of a rental. Beyond the sick stuff, Clint’s real shining moments come from his character Gregory, the mentally-ill ice cream man, and his surprisingly tender interactions with misfit child Small Paul. It’s a good indication of what Clint can do what given the latitude to perform. Also keep your good eye out for disembodied-head puppetry! Yay!

OTHER GREAT CLINT HOWARD MOMENTS

Rock N Roll High School: As Eaglebauer, the go-to man for anything the students of Vince Lombardi High School desire, Clint gives a performance worthy of Red Redding as the man “who knows how to get things.” Hall passes, dates, touchdowns–Clint will make you believe he can deliver them all. And his ‘how to make out’ lessons are priceless.

Apollo 13. This is a pretty small role, but, as one of the NASA analysts, Clint does a great job of holding his own against Ed Harris as he tries to convince him to turn the shuttle around and send them back home.

Ernie Hudson

Ernie Hudson is the forgotten Ghostbuster, the overlooked glue of The Crow, and the black guy who always dies early in horror movies. Not everyone can work this hard and be recognized this little. Despite strong supporting roles in cult movies like The Substitute and not-so-cult movies like Miss Congeniality, he has languished in levels of respect that could only be described as Dangerfieldesque.

Finally in 1997 he managed to eek out some measure of real fame as Warden Leo Glynn in HBO’s Oz, winning a Golden Satellite Award for his performance after three seasons. While we’re plenty happy that the rest of the world has finally taken notice, Ernie Hudson has consistently put out quality work for over thirty years and deserved to be acknowledged as the kind of actor the rest of Hollywood should only hope to imitate.

CROWNING ACHIEVEMENT

Ghostbusters. It’s Bill Murray’s movie, but Ernie’s Winston Zeddmore gets the best line. “Ray, when someone asks if you’re a god, you say YES!”

OTHER GREAT ERNIE HUDSON MOMENTS

The Crow. As expected, Ernie delivers a consistently strong performance here as Sgt, Albrecht, the worn down beat cop trailing Eric Draven’s mysterious murders. His best scene is a quiet one, where Draven comes to his apartment talk about Shelly, their murder the year before, and what exactly Eric has become.

Congo. Congo came around at the tail end of Michael Critchton’s reign over Hollywood in the mid-nineties. It’s a fair adaptation of a middling novel, but like all our recipients, Hudson’s performance as tracker Monroe Kelly (the Muldoon role) is easily the bright spot, outdoing even The Bruce himself.

Brent Spiner

Brent Spiner will be remembered forever as Lieutenant Commander Data on Star Trek: The Next Generation and, along with Patrick Stewart, likely bears the lions share of the credit for the show surviving it’s first two seasons. He did an extraordinary job taking a knockoff Mr. Spock and imbuing him with a sense of wonder and a humanity that the character doesn’t even realize he possesses. Plus he got to sleep with Denise Crosby. Rowr.

After Star Trek, Brent dropped off radar somewhat. He’s returned to the theater and does a lot of stagework now, but still manages to pop up pretty regularly on the silver screen in bit parts and cameo roles. His neurotic sense of humor and tremendous range as a character actor always leave strong impressions on the audience and, like all our recipients, leaves his films better products for having been in them.

CROWING ACHIEVEMENT

Star Trek: First Contact. Like all Trek actors, Brent Spiner will always be Commander Data, whether he wants to be or not. Data always played a large role in the series, but nowhere did he have more to sink his teeth into that First Contact. Spending most of the movie a captive of the Borg Queen, Data (now equipped with an emotion chip) must deal with concepts like fear, temptation, and desire as he is presented with a possible solution to everything he has strained for.

OTHER GREAT BRENT SPINER MOMENTS

Independence Day. Playing Dr. Brackish Okun, head of Area 51, Brent gives a wonderfully oddball performance as the reclusive weirdo genius that has been working with alien technology confiscated by the government. Until, of course, it all goes horribly wrong.

I Am Sam. It’s just a bit part, really, but as the exasperated shoe salesman attempting to help Dakota Fanning and Sean Penn with their purchase, Brent sells a tremendously funny scene in an otherwise saccharin and forgettable film. His barely concealed frustration would make Al Bundy proud.

Have a nominee in mind for the Mutant Cross?  Post it below or on our forums!

The Scoop: 1990 R, directed by Jack Nicholson and starring Jack Nicholson and Harvey Keitel.

Tagline: They say money makes the world go round.  But sex was invented before money.

Summary Capsule: The unloved little brother of Chinatown throws JJ Gittes into a world of money, murder, and mineral rights as the ghosts of his past come back to haunt him.

Al’s Rating: One and half nostrils in working order.

Al’s Review: That’s right.  Long before George Lucas and the cool kids decided that resurrecting dead franchises was “in,” Jack Nicholson and Robert Towne got together and made Chinatown 2.  And you know what?  It’s pretty darn good.

Like Chinatown, The Two Jakes starts with a simple assignment that spirals way out of control.  It takes us back to the world of private investigator Jake Gittes, who is fifteen years older and about a thousand times grouchier than when last we saw him.  JJ is still Los Angeles’ number one PI for cuckolds and still has a bad habit of getting in way over his head.  His client, Julius ‘Jake’ Berman, hires him to tail his wife and come up with proof that she’s got a booty call on the side.  JJ does his job but, when Berman unexpectedly produces a gun, simple infidelity gives way to murder and soon even murder proves to just be the tip of oil derrick.  To make matters even worse, Jake finds himself hunted by Berman, the police, the mob, and a widow with very little emotional restraint.  His audio recording of that night seems to have something special on it, something he decides to figure out on his own when some idle chatter turns up a name he thought he’d never hear again.

Jack Nicholson is, of course, excellent as the cynical but wounded JJ Gittes.  He’s become even harder edged since the end of Chinatown, and it’s clear that the case has affected him deeply.  Jake Berman (Harvey Keitel) proves a perfect foil for JJ, managing to be simultaneously likable and slippery.  The women, Kitty Berman (Meg Tilly) and Lillian Bodine (Madeline Stowe), are both sultry and dangerous in typical genre fashion.  Like any good noir cast, everyone keeps suspicion high and trust as a rare commodity.

But I feel I needs to make something clear: this is not a Great Movie.  It’s a hell of a lot of fun and it moves at a brisk, enjoyable pace, but it’s not in the same league as Chinatown.  Not even close.  It’s not the fault of the plot or the story, although both have some hiccups.  Characters in The Two Jakes speak and act in a way that feels less real and less interesting than in Chinatown.  The scenes that make you laugh tend don’t elicit the right kind of laughter.  It’s like they tread just close enough to parody that you’re finding it funny for the wrong reason.  The whole level of the movie just feels lowered and that’s a real shame.

However, that doesn’t mean the cast and crew doesn’t care about it a great deal.  In fact, the attention to detail and continuity in the film might be its crowning achievement. Chinatown unfolds in a very open world: Jake isn’t present for every single crucial plot point and characters slide in and out of the story as the situation changes.  He’ll hear about things third-hand and gets evidence that his partners collected while he was off doing something else.   That Los Angeles is a real city that doesn’t solely revolve around the actions and time tables of a half-dozen people.

L.A. in The Two Jakes is no different.  It’s a little grittier and a little grander, but it’s the same place: a breathing, vital organism instead of just a location.  Noah Cross is dead and his orange groves have been razed, but his vision of a lively and flourishing Los Angeles has come to pass.  Lieutenant (now Captain) Escobar lost his leg in the war, but it’s not a plot point, it’s just life.  Officer Loach is gone, but his son is now an up-and-coming detective and you can tell that Jake has held a grudge against him for his father’s actions in Chinatown a decade ago.  This attention to continuity extends through every scene in the movie and makes me wish that more sequels would trust their audience like this and give it a try.

The story, as I mentioned, is a complicated mess about mineral rights and land ownership that never ties together quite as cleanly as its big brother.  The film had a legendarily horrid eight years of preproduction and the effect of too many fingers in the pie has been smeared all over the finished product.  It’s too bad, too, because the film does so much right that it deserves a better place in film history than it got.  The angles and the shadows won’t make it into a film class.  It doesn’t have the same classic lines or memorably wicked villain.  But, The Two Jakes a good little film.  Not a Great Film, but a good one.  Forget about the rest of that stuff.  It’s Chinatown.

Well, y’know, almost.

Hot Jake-on-Jake golfing action!

Didja Notice?

• The opening pullback through Jake’s camera?  Love it.
• Jake’s nose has healed rather well?
• Escobar, Walsh, Khan, and (briefly) Evelyn reprising their roles from Chinatown?
• Gittes repeating his lines from the first movie?
• Tom Waits as a policeman in the scene where Gittes attacks Loach?
• The hilariously awkward sex scene?
• They managed to fit a lot more explosions in the movie this time, huh?

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

No.

Intermission!

The Two Jakes was supposed to be the middle part of a trilogy that would examine the corruptions that underpins the elements of Los Angeles.  Chinatown revolves around water, The Two Jakes around earth and fire, and the third film would deal with air pollution.  Robert Towne’s title for it would have been Cloverleaf, Nicholson’s was Gittes vs Gittes.

Groovy Quotes

Julius “Jake” Berman (practicing): Oh no.  Oh no, Kitty.  How could you.  You told me you were going to the beauty parlor in Hollywood.  And now I find you here.  Just where they said I’d find you.  In room 19-H of the… Bird of Paradise motel.  In Redondo Beach at two in the afternoon on October 27^th, 1948, with this man.
Jake Gittes:  Mr. Berman, it’s unnatural to discuss what year it is where you’re staring at your wife in bed with another man.


Okay, okay! I take it back! The Bucket List was wonderful!

Jake Gittes: I don’t care who’s fault it is; his, hers, or the milkman’s.  If one of them comes to me, it means they’re both miserable.  That’s my job-putting people out of their misery.

Julius “Jake” Berman: You know something, Jake, you might think you know what’s going on around here but… you don’t.

Jake Gittes: You can’t trust a guy who’s never lost anything.

Jake Gittes: What I do for a living may not be very reputable. But I am. In this town I’m the leper with the most fingers.

Jake Gittes: You can follow the action, which gets you good pictures. You can follow your instincts, which’ll probably get you in trouble. Or, you can follow the money, which nine times out of ten will get you closer to the truth.

Julius ‘Jake’ Berman: Where were we?
Jake Gittes: Well, I was accusing you of murder, Mr. Berman.
Julius ‘Jake’ Berman: Call me Jake.

DVD Review:

They call it a special collector’s edition, but it’s only got one featurette and a trailer. Go figure.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Chinatown
• Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
• The Third Man

Part of

The Scoop: 1987 NR, directed by Jerry Rees and starring Deanna Oliver, Jon Lovitz, and Timothy Stack

Tagline: Imagine if Your Toaster Went on a Journey of its Own!

Summary Capsule: Loving appliances hit the road in search of their long absent Master.

Al’s Rating: Hug your blender.

Al’s Review: I don’t like the idea of inanimate objects.  It’s weird, but the thought of something simply existing with no thoughts or feelings or dreams and worries bothers me in a way I can’t quite describe.  It just feels wrong.  I prefer to imagine that the couch and the ottoman have conversations when I’m not around and that the kitchen creates its own messes.  I’m one of those people who can’t pass a shoe on the side of the road without wondering where it’s going and I simply cannot throw out anything from my childhood that has a face.  Luckily, my mother never had those scruples or I’d be up to my eyeballs in action figures.

So it seems like The Brave Little Toaster was made for me specifically, confirming all my deepest suspicions about my stuff having fun without me.  Toaster, Lampy, Blanket, Radio, and Kirby (a vacuum) are five dated appliances living in a long-unused summer home.  They spend their days keeping the place in order and lovingly dreaming about the day when The Master, a little redheaded boy, will come back and play with them.  Unfortunately, tragedy strikes when a For Sale sign appears on the front lawn and a cranky air conditioner tells them that they have been abandoned forever.  The appliances despair until Toaster decides that The Master must have simply forgotten them and that they need to travel to the Big City to track him down.  With the help of a portable battery and a rolling desk chair, they brave forests, rivers, mudpits, thunderstorms, junk dealers, and worse in a bid to be remembered.

For a story about walking appliances, The Brave Little Toaster is one dark movie.  Our characters get lost in the woods, get struck by lightening, are smashed to pieces, have freaky clown dreams, and witness the horror of being dissected for spare parts.  Heck, I’m 27 and was squirming as they tried to scale cliffs and cross waterfalls.   But that’s all balanced by some very sweet moments, too, like the Toaster trying to describe what it feels like to be nice to someone (”It’s like being next to a new loaf of bread!”) and the jealous, grumpy Air Conditioner tearing up when he finally gets some attention.

The voices are relative unknowns except for Jon Lovitz as Radio and Phil Hartman in a pair of minor roles, but they all do a good job bringing a lot of life and a lot of definition to their characters.  Toaster is determined and brash, Blanket is immature and clingy, Kirby is grizzled and cantankerous; they are distinctions that the voices are able to sell in a way that the rest of the film simply can’t.  The songs fall pretty flat (especially “The Cutting Edge” by the high-tech machines) and the animation isn’t quite Beauty and the Beast, but the movie does an admirable job nonetheless giving life to the world it’s created.  There are some extremely impressive sequences throughout, including the aforementioned freaky clown dream, the junkyard sequence at the end, and a well-placed “Tutti Frutti” near the beginning, so I can’t get too down on them.

The Brave Little Toaster is a movie that was not a giant hit when it first came out and actually took two years to find a proper theatrical release, but it’s gathered a small, loyal fanbase and I definitely understand why.  It obviously wasn’t made with the biggest budget, but its got a quirky style and unique voice that carry it over the rough patches and make it something really special for those of us who just can’t stomach another Disney princess.

Flying Toasters? I used to have that screansaver!

Didja Notice?

• The movie is based on a novel?  Who knew?
• Toaster’s nickname is Slots?  I like that.
• Kirby is voiced by Thurl Ravenscroft, voice of Tony the Tiger?
• Phil Hartman impersonating Jack Nicholson for the voice of Air Conditioner and Peter Lorre for the Hanging Lamp?
• Radio tells them to head north by northwest, and to watch out for low-flying aircraft?  Ha!
• That clown is absolutely terrifying?
• The “high tech” machines of 1987?

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

Nope.

Intermission!

The main cast is Los Angeles’ Groundling Group, comprised of Jon Lovitz, Timothy Stack, Timothy E. Day, Deanna Oliver, Thurl Ravenscroft, and ‘Phil Hartman’.

Groovy Quotes

Radio: I think Houdini did this once, and if I remember right, he was out of the hospital in no time.
Lampy: Well, that’s encouraging.

Lampy: I really thought I’d turned in my warranty that time!



Ah, children's programming. Wonderful, wholesome children's... OH DEAR GOD!

Radio: Things could be worse you know.
Lampy: How?
Radio: How what?
Lampy: How could they be worse?
Radio: They couldn’t; I lied.

Blanket: Do we have to stop here?
Toaster: Only for a while.
Radio: Just long enough to lose our minds! We’ll be cannibals within a few days, I’ve seen it happen!
Kirby: And you’ll be the first to go, dial-face.

Radio: Why, if we were all wiener dogs, our problems would be solved.
Toaster: What?
Radio: Or maybe it was a basset hound.
Kirby: You’re *all* insane.

DVD Review

Disappointing.  The video and audio transfers are pretty poor, and the only special feature is a poorly disguised advertisement for the sequels.  But the fact that it’s on DVD at all is something to be cheered, so I’ll take what I can get.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Toy Story
• Beauty and the Beast
• Rover Dangerfield

The Scoop: 2008, PG-13. Directed by Christopher Nolan and starring Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Aaron Eckhart, and Maggie Gyllenhaal.

Tagline: Why so serious?

Summary Capsule: Bruce is the dark knight, Harvey’s the white knight, and the Joker’s wild.

Al’s Rating: So, this movie came out that you may have heard of…

Al’s Review: Or, actually, if you read this website, maybe you didn’t. Some of you have no doubt noticed that, since July 2008, The Mutant Reviewers from Hell has been curiously lacking in the Batman department. Now, I have not consulted with the other Mutants in the office, but I feel I can say that it’s not for a lack of trying. After all, The Dark Knight was fantastic. The new characters are complex and layered. The returning characters are pushed in interesting directions. The plot is involved but rewards those who pay attention. All around, it is simply a masterful film and everybody (excluding a handful of misguided souls) knows it. So, really, the problem becomes, what else is there to say?

Right now, the database at mrqe.com lists 270 reviews of The Dark Knight. I will sum them up for you here: The Joker was awesome. Two-Face was creepy. Maggie Gyllenhaal was okay. Batman’s voice was stupid. They are the same things I was going to say and the same things you probably already know. But let’s talk about ‘em anyway.

1) The Joker was awesome. Seriously. Heath Ledger deserves every bit of praise that the talking heads have thrown his way. He is brilliant, terrifying, and absolutely insane. Make no mistake, Jack Nicholson played a truly great Joker. The difference is that Jack Nicholson would never blow up a hospital in a nurses’ outfit; he had too much style. There’s no style in this monster. There’s no self-control. There’s no forethought and no afterthought, or perhaps there is so much of all of it that it just seems that way. Nicholson played the Joker as the Clown Prince of Crime. Ledger plays the Joker as an id with a machine gun.

2) Two-Face was creepy. Traditionally, Two-Face’s disfigurement had been limited to a bumpy, discolored face and maybe one bulging eyeball. You might want to walk the other way rather than pass him on the street, but it didn’t really strike fear into your heart or anything. This Two-Face, however, is the stuff of nightmares. Blackened skin, bits of bone, muscles and tendons that are bare and oozing. Its repulsiveness is in its realism. It’s the kind of thing that screams ‘infection.’

On top of it all, the film made him make sense. I mean, I’ve always understood Two-Face’s motivation, but until this movie I had never realized that I didn’t buy it. I accepted it, but that’s really not the same thing. Aaron Eckhart made me believe in the allure of letting a coin flip solve your problems, and that creeps me out even more.

3) Maggie Gyllenhaal was okay. I was one of those crazy people who thought Katie Holmes did a pretty good job in Batman Begins. I was disappointed when she didn’t want to come back for the sequel, although Maggie is certainly a great choice to replace her. In the end, though, it turns out that the switch is pretty much a non-issue because Rachel Dawes doesn’t really have a lot to do in The Dark Knight except get captured and be thrown off of buildings. She’s important, sure, but it seems the concept of Rachel Dawes matters more than the woman playing her. That’s not to disparage Maggie’s performance, of course. There just isn’t enough of a role there to be worth mentioning.

4) Batman’s voice was stupid. Batman Begins didn’t feature a lot of talking by our hero while he was in-costume. He’s still reasonably quiet in The Dark Knight, but Batman definitely has a lot more to say this time around and that means we hear a more of his Gravelly Batman Voice. It makes sense that Bruce Wayne would have a Gravelly Batman Voice for when he was under the cowl, but a little goes a long way and The Dark Knight simply had too much. Of course, they could’ve taken my suggestion and just let Kevin Conroy dub the whole thing, but that’s another conversation altogether.

Obviously, there is plenty more that is worth talking about. The bat-gadgets. The sweeping cityscapes. The way the Joker manages to look even more disturbing without his makeup. It’s a conversation I could have for hours. But instead, I think there’s an easier way for me to sum up my feelings on The Dark Knight: Me too. “I loved the interrogation scene.” Me too. “I thought the score was brilliant.” Me too. “I’m really surprised Batman jumped off a building then fell several stories onto taxi cab and walked away.” Me too.

All the good stuff you’ve heard? Me too.

Most of the bad stuff you’ve heard? Me too.

And you know those chills you get when you think about a sequel? Me too.

PROTIP: Don't look behind you.

Didja Notice?

• William Fitchner in the William Fitchner role?
• The Scarecrow? Yay, a rogue’s gallery!
• “Here’s my card.” Heh.
• Lucius Fox mentions the new suit should do fine against cats? Maybe a little bit of foreshadowing?
• Senator Patrick Leahy at Bruce Wayne’s fundraising party?
• Anthony Michael Hall as the host of Gotham Tonight?
• The Jerry Maguire reference?
• The “I believe in Harvey Dent” sticker on Joker’s nurse outfit?
• That The Joker apparently rigged an entire hospital with explosives and no one noticed?
• That headache you get when you look at Bat-sonar for too long?

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

No.

Intermission! [source: IMDb]

• This is the first Batman film not to incorporate the word Batman in it’s title.

• While developing the style and mannerisms of the Joker, Heath Ledger relied on the look of Sex Pistols bassist Sid Vicious and Malcolm McDowell’s portrayal of Alex De Large in A Clockwork Orange.

• This is the last film role Heath Ledger completed prior to his death on January 22nd, 2008.

• Ledger won 32 posthumous Supporting Actor awards for his work on this movie.

• Much of the script sprung from the Batman stories “The Long Halloween,” “The Killing Joke,” “The Man Who Laughs,” as well as some early appearances of the Joker in the 1940s.

Groovy Quotes

He prefers all his photos be taken from his good side.

The Joker: Wanna know how I got these scars?

The Joker: I believe whatever doesn’t kill you, simply makes you… stranger.

The Joker: How about a magic trick?

Harvey Dent: The famous Bruce Wayne. Rachel’s told me everything about you.
Bruce Wayne: I certainly hope not.

Harvey Dent: You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

The Joker: Do you want to know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can’t savor all the… little emotions. In… you see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are. So in a way, I know your friends better than you ever did. Would you like to know which of them were cowards?

The Joker: Do I really look like a guy with a plan?

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Batman Begins
• Batman (1989)
• Heat

”I don’t hear as good as I used to, and I ain’t as pretty as I used to be. But I’m still here–I’m the Ram.”

The Scoop: 2008 R, directed by Darren Aranofsky and starring Mickey Rourke, Marisa Tomei and Evan Rachel Wood

Tagline: Love. Pain. Glory.

Summary Capsule: An once-great pro wrestler tries to come to terms with the end of his career after he is made to leave the sport he loves.

Al’s Rating: Tell me, friend, can you ask for anything more?

Al’s Review: In The Wrestler, Randy “The Ram” Robinson is an aging superstar who finds that years of punishment and abuse have left his body a wreck. The doctors tell him he now risks death if he steps back into the ring, so he must try to pick up the pieces and adjust to the life he left outside the business thirty years ago.

That, in small form, is the plot of The Wrestler, though it’s not what the movie is really about. The Wrestler asks what kind of person chooses this life and what that life does to the person that chooses it. We all had fantasies of growing up to be a pro wrestler or a starting quarterback or rock star, but Randy “The Ram” is someone who actually did it. He lived the dream. Except now that he’s out, he finds that he has only a destroyed body, a polluted brain, and a ruined relationship with his daughter to come home to.

Mickey Rourke has always known how to play the beat-up, broke-down blue-collar hero, and he doesn’t disappoint here in the slightest. It would be easy to demand the audience’s sympathy in this sort of role, but Mikey won’t play that card. Randy likes who he is and what he does. He offers no apologies and makes no excuses for his lifestyle. Does he have regrets? Plenty. But I don’t think he’d take any of it back, either.

The real surprise here, though, is Marisa Tomei. As Pam, Randy’s favorite girl at the local strip club, she is living a parallel story of a performer who is past her prime and not in the same demand she used to be, but who keeps on working because it’s simply what she knows how to do. It’s a brave role both physically (she’s 44!) and emotionally, and one of the best of her career. Strong supporting performances by everyone from Evan Rachel Wood as Randy’s estranged daughter to several real-life Ring of Honor wrestlers who play Randy’s friends and brothers-in-arms really make the movie an amazing experience from start to finish.

But you know all that already. Mickey and Marisa both got Oscar nods and the movie has been bagging awards all over Hollywood. What I really wanted to talk about is why I connected so strongly to The Wrestler. I am a wrestling fan. I have been since 1991. My exact interest in it has shifted as my tastes and knowledge of the industry broadened, but I call myself a fan and I always will.

Pro wrestling has become a more melancholy place in the last ten years. The curtain has been pulled back on the business and we are now exposed to stories from all of those dark corners that used to just be the dirty secret no one ever talked about. We hear of deaths from substance abuse, like “Mr. Perfect” Curt Hennig and Hawk of the Road Warriors, and suicide, like Mike Awesome and Chris Benoit. Guys like Mick Foley and Terry Funk, whose bodies are scarred, scary messes, continue to step between the ropes despite serious health concerns. And we have far too many moments of silence, because of guys like Eddie Guerrero, “Ravishing” Rick Rude, “The British Bulldog” Davey Boy Smith, “Hercules” Hernandez, and “Flyin’” Brian Pillman, who pushed themselves and punished themselves and finally injected themselves all the way to the top, only for their hearts to stop when they turned forty.

These are all specters that float around The Wrestler. Not that you need to be a wrestling fan for this film to move you; the academy certainly didn’t. But watching it as a fan, it brought back all those memories for me: all the love and the hate I felt when I watched them on Superstars of Wrestling, and all the shock and sadness when I learned of their passing. It made me feel a little more connected to the heroes I watched endlessly on Saturday nights. It’s a rare movie that can be about a fictional person yet make you feel closer to a real one.

Despite it’s recent popularity, I don’t expect The Wrestler will be considered one of the great movies of the decade when people look back and make their lists. Mickey Rourke will do a movie that’s more popular and be a star all over again or he’ll fade away back into obscurity. Darren Aranofsky will one day become a ridiculously famous director, but this isn’t the movie that will get him there. For both of them, The Wrestler will be just a footnote.

What they have created, however, is a film that I think will become extremely important to a small group of people. Not the wrestling fans who watch Monday Night Raw because they like seeing guys wail on each other, but the wrestling fans who watch Monday Night Raw for the art. The art of working the crowd or doing a promo or selling a move just right. And it is art. Black and blue and bloody all over, but art all the same. And exploring the pain behind that art can make us appreciate it that much more. Maybe we can even see some beauty in a man with a busted nose, a bloody face, and the stubbornness to do it and do it and do it until he’s done.

Didja Notice?

• The razor blade Randy uses to cut himself? Repeat after me, everyone: There’s no such thing as blood capsules.

• Randy has a “Randy the Ram” action figure on his dashboard?
  

  So, what kind of vitamins are you taking with the training and the prayers, Mick?

• Randy plays NES?
• Randy and Pam’s conversation about eighties music? Loved it.

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

Just for the amazing Springsteen song.

Intermission!

• Randy’s match against the Ayatollah is based on Hulk Hogan’s famous bout against the Iron Sheik in 1984.

• The relationship between Randy and Stephanie is reportedly taken from the strained real-life relationship of Jake “the Snake” Roberts and his daughter.

• The scene where Randy uses a fan’s prosthetic leg as a weapon is based on a real incident in ECW where Tommy Dreamer was handed a similar prosthetic from the crowd during a match.

• Vince McMahon, owner of World Wrestling Entertainment, reportedly disliked the movie very strongly.

Groovy Quotes

Randy “The Ram” Robinson: I’m an old broken down piece of meat and I deserve to be all alone, I just don’t want you to hate me.

Randy “The Ram” Robinson: In this life you can lose everything you love, everything that loves you. A lot of people told me that I’d never wrestle again, the only one that’s gonna tell me when I’m through doing my thing, is you people here.

Randy “The Ram” Robinson: I don’t hear as good as I used to, and I ain’t as pretty as I used to be. But I’m still here – I’m the Ram.

Ayatollah: I forgot how much fun this was, Ram!

Soundtrack Review

An understated but excellent score, some kickin’ 80s metal, and Springsteen’s beautiful theme song make for a great, if unlikely, collection of tunes.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Raging Bull
• Beyond the Mat
• Barfly

The Babylon Diaries: Season 2 – Introduction

Yes, that’s right, it’s January 31, 2009, and I’m back for round two of The Babylon Diaries. It’s been sixteen months since I’ve seen a new episode of Babylon 5, and I think that the time is right to dive back into the series that so totally blew me away last year.

True to my word, I have not yet seen any other episode beyond those I wrote about in my Season One diary. I do unfortunately know a bit more than I’d like about what the future holds for the last of the Babylon stations, but I suppose that’s what I get for waiting a year and a half in between seasons. With luck, though, it’s nothing that will mess with my experiment too badly.

I also want to thank everyone who contacted me in response to the first Diaries. I make no apology for some of the errors I made in the article, I simply called it like I saw it, but receiving feedback on something that was so long in development hell was very much appreciated.

So, the president is dead, the Narn are pissed, the conspiracies are conspiring, and the freaky shadow people have arrived! Onward to Season 2: The Coming of Shadows! Ooh, I’m tingling with excitement!

The Babylon Diaries: Season 2 – Dramatis Personae

Familiar Faces

Commander Sinclair

Commander Jeffrey Sinclair (Michael O’ Hare)

Sinclair is the commander of Babylon 5, an Earth-Minbari war hero, and a leader called “The One” from sometime in the distant (or maybe not so distant) future. When last we saw him, Sinclair had just proposed to his girlfriend, Catherine Sakai, and failed to stop the assassination of President Luis Santiago. The season ends on his line, “Nothing is the same anymore.”

Garibaldi

Security Chief Michael Garibaldi (Jerry Doyle)

Garibaldi is an old friend of Sinclair’s and is the head of B5 security. He is a recovering alcoholic, but doesn’t usually let those impulses get the better of him. Usually. Last season, Garibaldi uncovered a plot to assassinate the president and was shot in the back by his second-in-command. Currently, he is comatose in sickbay; his chances of survival hover at 50/50.

Lt. Cmdr. Ivanova

Lieutenant Commander Susan Ivanova (Claudia Christian)

Ivanova is the XO of Babylon 5, and good at her job. She is fiercely proud of her Russian heritage and was raised Jewish, although she is quiet about it. Her mother was a telepath who commited suicide rather than join Earth Alliance’s psychic division, the PsiCorp. When last we left her, Ivanova was standing guard over Garabaldi in sickbay in case someone comes to finish the job.

Dr. Franklin

Dr. Stephen Franklin (Richard Biggs)

Dr. Franklin is Babylon 5’s chief of medicine. He is fiercely devoted to his practice and tends to obsess over tough patients, often working long hours at the expense of sleep and his own well-being. At the end of Season 1, he was operating to save Garabaldi’s life.

Talia

Talia Winters (Andrea Thompson)

Talia is Babylon 5’s government-assigned psychic. She earns a living mediating business deals and acting as a liaison between B5 and the Psi Corp. Not involved in the season finale. Last we saw her, she was fighting over the fate of newly-discovered psychic, Alisa Belden.

Ambassador Delenn (Mira Furlan)

Delenn; Lennier with the Chrysalis

Delenn and her assistant Lennier (Bill Mumy) represent the Minbari government aboard B5. They are reserved and softspoken, but possess dangerous calculating minds. Delenn was once a member of the Minbari circle of leadership, the shadowy Grey Council. Last Time We Saw Her, Delenn was cocooned against a wall after making a secret deal with the Vorlons. Lennier watches over her, explaining cryptically that she is “changing.”

Londo Mollari

Ambassador Londo Mollari (Peter Jurasik)

Along with his reluctant attaché, Vir Cotto (Stephen Furst), Londo is the station’s Centauri ambassador. He longs to see his people reclaim their status as the galaxy’s most powerful civilization, but finds he is repeatedly forced to comprise his goals for the sake of the others. Londo loves wine, women, gambling, and, above all, himself. Last season, he and his people were at the throats of their sworn enemy, the Narns, over a territory dispute. This problem is solved, however, when Londo struck a deal with the mysterious Morden, who wiped out all 10,000 Narns in the territory.

G'Kar

Ambassador G’Kar (Andreas Katsulas)

G’Kar represents the Narn people on Babylon 5. He is fiercely proud of his race, who were enslaved by the Centauri until fifty years ago, when they rose up in revolt and declared their independence. Once peaceful farmers, the Narn now strive to establish themselves as a legitimate power in the galaxy. Last time we saw him was in a recorded message to his assistant, Na’toth (Caitlin Brown), where he states he is returning to homeworld to investigate the devastating attack on Quadrant 37.

Kosh

Ambasssador Kosh

We really don’t know much about Kosh or his mysterious race, The Vorlon. We know that they are very old, very advanced, and very protective of anyone venturing into their territory for any reason. Kosh is completely enclosed in an “encounter suit” when dealing with everyone on Babylon 5. He speaks in riddles and acts only when he must. Last year, Kosh allows Delenn a look inside his suit before her cocooning. He also meets Sinclair, remarking cryptically, “And so it begins.”

Morden

Morden (Ed Wasser)

No one really knows who Morden is, but it’s clear he has some powerful friends. Recently, Morden established a partnership with Londo Mollari, and reports Londo’s wishes to his “associates.” Last season, he helped Londo eliminate the Narn outpost in Sector 37 and we last saw him talking to his creepy invisible masters in his quarters.

New Blood

Captain Sheridan

Captain John Sheridan (Bruce Boxleitner)

Sheridan is the new sheriff in town on B5. He is also a war hero, responsible for the only decisive human victory in the entire Earth-Minbari war. His wife was killed in a deep-space explosion two years ago, and he has thrown himself relentlessly into his work ever since.

Lieutenant Warren Keffer (Robert Rusler)

Warren Keffer

Babylon 5’s hotshot pilot and new commander of Zeta Squadron. A pretty normal guy until he sees something in hyperspace. It’s big and black and he can’t seem to get it out of his head. If only he could find it again…

Episode 201: Points of Departure
Grade: B+

Hmm. Well, I guess it’s good to see that they’re not afraid of juggling the status quo here. It’s been eight days since the assassination at the end of Season One and a lot of the fallout from Chrysalis is still being dealt with: Garibaldi is still comatose, Delenn is still cocooned, and G’Kar is still missing. Despite all of this, the show is clearly not letting that stop it from barreling forward with the plot and introducing B5’s brand new commanding officer, John Sheridan. It seems Commander Sinclair has been reassigned to the Minbari homeworld and is to become its first human ambassador.

The new commander is unfortunately one of those surprises that was already spoiled for me, so his arrival on the show wasn’t a shock. I was surprised, however, to see Sinclair so unceremoniously disposed of. I don’t know if it was a behind the scenes difficulty or what, but I would at least like to have seen him get a goodbye. I’m sure his story isn’t over, given everything they’ve built up around him, but it was still unexpected to not see him at all.

The plot of the episode didn’t thrill me, but certainly was a serviceable intro for our new captain. I like the idea of the rogue warship (and seeing a Minbari who looks like he could handle himself in a bar fight) but the situation felt a little too forced and was too easily resolved for my tastes. Neither was I particularly interested in Lennier’s revelation about the end of the war and how Minbari souls are inhabiting human bodies. His later mumblings about “joining together to fight a new enemy” helped it make a little more sense, but the whole thing was just a little too New Agey for me to take seriously. That said, I do like the more hostile dynamic between Sheridan and the Minbari and there were some excellent acting moments,
particularly by Claudia Christian. Ooh, and we get new opening credits! Shiny! Except… who the heck is Warren Keffer?

Best Line
Ivanova: I’ll say a prayer for him tonight.
Dr. Franklin: He’s agnostic.
Ivanova: Then I’ll say half a prayer.

Episode 202: Revelations

Grade: B

A solid “building” episode that sort of caps off the arc from last season and starts to establish the crew’s new dynamic. G’Kar returns with bad news about evil spaceships, Garibaldi wakes up, his attacker escapes, and Delenn emerges from her cocoon to discover she needs to start buying shampoo. Meanwhile, Sheridan’s sister visits the station and plays therapist for our captain, who is feeling guilty over the death of his wife two years ago.

I enjoyed this one, mostly. Admittedly, the ‘dead wife’ stuff didn’t do much for me and I’m not really onboard with Sheridan as our leading man, but I’m sure I will get used to him. Everything else in the episode was a lot of fun, though. The idea of the PsiCorp/Government conspiracy looks tantalizing and seeing that Londo is willing to play ball with Morden and his creepy invisible people is definitely unsettling.

Best Line
There, you see? One deserts his post without any explanation! The other one picks the most breathtakingly inconvenient moment possible to explore new career options-like becoming a butterfly! – Londo Mollari, about his fellow ambassadors

Episode 203: The Geometry of Shadows
Grade: A

Revolution is in the air as Londo begins to scheme with some disgruntled diplomats about a regime change on Centauri Prime. In hopes of further increasing his standing, he seeks out an odd caste of scientist/magicians known as Technomages for an endorsement. Meanwhile, Garibaldi is back on his feet, but his aide’s betrayal in Chrysalis is making him question his worth as head of security, and Ivanova tries to deal with the warring Drazi, whose violent rituals are making the station a difficult place to live.

Overall, I’d call this a B+ episode that I’m bumping to an A for its last few scenes. The Technomages are a cool idea that I hope to see more of in the future, and I’m glad to see another episode where Claudia Christian is front and center. Have I mentioned yet how nice it is to see a sci-fi show where the characters wear normal clothes when they’re off duty? I mean, when was the last time Beverly Crusher wore an honest-to-God dress?

Best Line
Technomage: Take this for what little it will profit you. As I look at your, Ambassador Mollari, I see a great hand reaching out of the stars. The hand is your hand. And I hear sounds. The sounds of billions of people calling your name.
Londo Mollari: My followers?
Technomage: Your victims.

Episode 204: A Distant Star
Grade: B-

This episode felt really unfocused to me. Sheridan meets an old space-hopping buddy, Captain Maynard, who gets him chafing under the bureaucracy of the space station. After he leaves B5, Maynard gets lost in hyperspace and Sheridan sends out fighters on a rescue op. Meanwhile, Delenn is dealing with Minbari resentment over her transformation and Dr. Franklin puts Sheridan, Ivanova, and Garibaldi on diets. Hilarity ensues.

Nothing I mentioned is handled particularly badly here; I just feel like they were intent on cramming so much in that none of it (except the diet subplot) seems to have a payoff. I like the idea that Sheridan isn’t totally comfortable with his job and doesn’t have the great rapport with everyone that Sinclair did, but, again, I wish it went somewhere beyond a dopey feel-good speech during the last few minutes. They also take the time to give Warren Keffer a purpose, establishing him as the new commander of Zeta Squadron and all around go-to guy for piloting Starfuries. He’s been shoehorned into conversations for the past three episodes as if he’s always been around and we just haven’t noticed, which bugs me. Hopefully, now that I know who he’s supposed to be, I can find a reason for him to interest me.

Best Line
Ivanova: Figures. All my life, I’ve fought against imperialism. Now, suddenly, I am the expanding Russian frontier.
Dr Franklin: But with very nice borders.

Episode 205: The Long Dark
Grade: A

Ooh, I liked this one; it reminded me of The Neutral Zone from the first season of Star Trek: TNG (one of my favorite early TNG episodes). B5 comes into contact with a drifting spaceship, The Copernicus, and an Earth woman, Mariah, who has been in cryostasis for over a century. However, a more ethereal stowaway is woken up, too, sending an unbalanced veteran living in B5’s Downbelow over the edge.

Although the monster and its destruction were more than a little cheesy, nearly everything else in the episode clicked and I am happy to forgive them for not having the SFX technology to do this justice. I enjoy a good fish-out-of-water story, so watching Mariah try to come to terms with her new surroundings was fun for me. It was also nice to see Dr. Franklin get some depth and engage in actual human emotion, even if the ‘romance’ was a little forced. Dwight Schultz was great as Amis, the unstable war vet-he was like a much creepier version of H. M. Murdock. Watching him bond with Garibaldi provided several nice moments for both characters, and it was nice to finally learn a bit of future history about Earth and jump gate technology. And to top it off, I loved the button on the end about the Copernicus’s destination.

Best Line
Garibaldi: You were standing in the middle of the plaza screaming that the Day of Judgment was coming.
Amis: Did it?
Garibaldi: Not that I know, but I may have missed a staff meeting.

Episode 206: A Spider in the Web
Grade: B

Another round of PsiCorp shenanigans, this time involving a ‘cyberzombie’ sent to destroy Mars-Earth negotiations and eliminate Talia Winters. Adrienne Barbeau is a welcome guest star and I rather liked the cameo from Jessica Walter. Talia, though, is the only cast member left over from last season that has yet to make any kind of impression on me. There were some interesting moments she was involved in, like watching how psychic-assisted deals are handled, but overall I’m still waiting to care.

Best Line
There is a spider in the web, Mr. Garibaldi. And I’m going to find it. – John Sheridan

Episode 207: Soul Mates
Grade: A

Speak of the telepathic devil! I’m happy to say I finally give a fig about Talia after meeting her creepy ex-husband. It was nice to learn a little bit about her past and hear her admit that the PsiCorp scares the hell out of her. I also liked Garibaldi rushing to her aide, even though I really don’t feel like the two have much chemistry together.

It was nice to less some less serious subplots again, too. No shadow ships or freaky conspiracies, just Ivanova and Delenn bonding over haircare and Londo grousing over his bickering wives. Such a self-contained episode doesn’t seem very typical for this show, but I had a good time with it.

Best Line
This is the ambassador’s upcoming itinerary. I’ve marked those events which you might wish to attend and those where he will actually be accompanying you. – Vir Cotto

Episode 208: A Race Through Dark Places
Grade: A-

When it rains, it pours, huh? Another Talia episode! This time, Bester is back and on the trail of an ‘underground railroad’ for unregistered psychics. Walter Koenig is fun to watch, as always, and I liked watching Talia wrestling to reconcile her feelings about PsiCorp with the new, more unsettling information that gets thrown her way. It was also nice to see another dimension to Dr. Franklin’s character. While Sheridan doesn’t have a lot to do with the real plot of the episode, I did enjoy his dinner with Delenn and his subplot about being charged rent by Earth Alliance.

Best Line
Delenn: We do not have cats on Minbar. We have gokks.
Sheridan: Gokks?
Delenn: Gokks. I think such creatures are an attempt by the universe to make sure that we never take ourselves too seriously.

Episode 209: The Coming of Shadows
Grade: A+

SINCLAIR! I missed you! Granted, he was only a head on a TV screen, but it really made my night to see him again. This whole episode was pretty stellar, actually. The ailing Centauri emperor makes a visit to Babylon 5, which puts G’Kar in a bloodthirsty mood, while Garibaldi corners a mysterious visitor who has come with a message.

One of the things I’ve really come to enjoy on this show is when they introduce a character who completely plays against type. They did it excellently with Harriman Gray in Eyes last season (who I didn’t mention in my diary for the episode but should have), and they do another great job of it here with the emperor and his pleas for forgiveness. It’s wonderfully played, and makes Londo that much harder to watch as he incites a brand new war with his Shadow forces. Andreas Katsulas is, in a word, awesome to watch in this episode. G’Kar gets put through the emotional wringer, from sick hatred to hopeful optimism to blind, murderous rage. Get this man a little gold statue, and get it to him now.

Best Line
MOLLARRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! – G’Kar

Episode 210: GROPOS
Grade: B

The GROPOS are coming! The GROPOS are coming! I think this might be my new favorite word. GROPOS. GROPOS. GROPOS. Okay, I’m over it. Anyway, the GROPOS, or ground-pounders, are kind of like the marines of 2259, and 25,000 of them have unexpectedly shown up on Babylon 5 with orders to rack there for a few days before shipping out. They are loud, crude, and led by none other than Gen. Richard Franklin, father of B5’s chief medical officer.

Plotwise, this is nothing special. The writers did a great job, however, integrating a very self-contained episode into this season’s story arc. We get a peek at Earth’s reaction to the Narn-Centauri war. We also see the arming of Babylon 5, which isn’t given an overt amount of attention but made the hair on my arms prickle nonetheless. Stephen and General Franklin got to play a lot of little moments that sold me on the idea that they were father and son (‘But I like orange juice!’). Also, I loved the lady who played Dodger and thought she and Garibaldi had great chemistry. It was painful to watch him screw it up.

Best Line
Nice butt. – Dodger

Episode 211: All Alone in the Night
Grade: D+

Snore. Captain Sheridan gets captured by a ship of aliens who ‘collect’ other specimens. They put him through some indistinct method of torture and make him fight a mind-controlled Narn to gather data on humans. It’s pretty stupid. Back on B5, Delenn is summoned to the Grey Council and discovers the balance of power has shifted toward the aggressive Warrior Caste and that she has become roundly despised by the other Minbari in the wake of her transformation.

This was easily my least favorite episode so far, which is a shame because I liked some of the ground it covered. It was nice to get real feedback about how everyone on Minbar feels about Delenn becoming half human, but the dialogue in the council scene was too hackneyed to take seriously. Sheridan’s “action” scenes were eye-rollingly bad, and the little bit we see of the new aliens makes them look like they belong in a Roger Corman movie. With that said, though, the episode earns it’s “+” because of some really touching moments between Delenn and Lennier and the fact that our heroes have decided to take a stand against a government conspiracy that’s become too obvious to ignore.

Best Line
Very soon now, I will be going into darkness and fire. I do not know if I am fated to walk out again. If it is your choice to come with me, then I could not wish for a better or braver companion. – Delenn, to Lennier

Episode 212: Acts of Sacrifice
Grade: A

I loved this episode. Tensions are flaring between the Narns and Centauri on Babylon 5 and the violence is escalating at an alarming rate. G’Kar tries to keep his species under control while he solicits support from the humans and from the Minbari. On the other side of the coin, Londo has never been more popular with his government yet feels completely isolated from everyone around him. During it all, Ivanova gets more ‘diplomacy training’ and must try and woo a race of genetic snobs called the Lumati.

The plots are firing on all cylinders here, creating the perfect blend of humor, danger, and pathos. Watching Londo try and stay afloat when he is so clearly over his head was surprisingly affecting, and, as usual, watching G’Kar do anything was a pleasure. His breakdown at the end of the episode was a spectacular bit of acting.

Best Line
[after "sex"]
Lumati Ambassador: What do I do now?
Ivanova: Old style? You roll over and go to bed. New style? We go out for pizza and I never see you again.

Episode 213: Hunter, Prey
Grade: B-

A pretty forgettable story revolving around the President Clark’s doctor, Everett Jacobs. It seems that Jacobs has evidence that the “illness” that kept Clark off of President Santiago’s doomed ship was a sham and now he is running for his life from federal agents. Meanwhile, Sheridan has been obsessing over Ambassador Kosh ever since he showed up in his dreams (during All Alone in the Night) and decides to try and learn more about him.

There is some good stuff here, particularly between Garibaldi and Dr. Franklin. Watching Richard Moll chew scenery is entertaining too, even though they gave him some atrocious hair. I enjoyed the mystery of Kosh and his living ship, but I think this is one instance where the show’s dated special effects really, really hurt the episode. The climax and the CGI must have been pretty outstanding for a TV show in 1995, but today it just falls flat.

Best Line
Maybe somebody should’ve labeled the future “some assembly required.” – Michael Garibaldi

Episode 214: There All The Honor Lies
Grade: A

I really enjoyed this episode. The plot itself, involving Sheridan potentially losing his command after killing a Minbari, didn’t ever really jump out at me as particularly riveting, but so many details were done right that this easily ranks as one of my favorites so far.

I liked the acknowledgement that the humans and Minbari aren’t necessarily buddies now that the war is over, and I loved watching Stephen Furst actually do some dramatic acting as Vir contemplates his removal from Londo’s service. As always, Ambassador Kosh is fun to watch, and the Babylon 5 Gift Shop cracked me up. I totally want a Londo action figure. I even think Sheridan is finally growing on me. I can’t say I’m completely in his corner yet, but this was a big step in the right direction.

Best Line
Vir, stay. If you go, as a matter of honor, I will have to go with you. And if I am forced to leave this place, and all its marvelous opportunities, I will have to kill you. What are friends for? – Londo Mollari

Episode 215: And Now For A Word
Grade: B+

A lot of shows do a “documentary” episode where the crew does candid interviews and we get an outsider perspective of events we’ve seen firsthand. Most of them do it wrong. And Now For A Word really impressed me in that it really seemed to get the point of the embedded reporter shtick. It’s not just a gimmick; it’s the ability reveal things about our characters we’ve never known and directly ask some of the questions the audience might ask. It even goes one step further by advancing the larger story with an outstanding Narn/Centauri space battle.

I love the interview with G’Kar that allows us a glimpse into his revolutionary beginnings, but I thought Delenn’s interview was even better. The reporter really corners her about her transformation and lets us see more of the latent human/Minbari hostility along with Delenn’s own doubts and insecurities about what she is doing. And the PsiCorp commercial? Ha!

Best Line
We’re everywhere. For your convenience. – PsiCop

Episode 216: In the Shadow of Za’ha’dum
Grade: A+

Oh, snap! Morden was on the Icarus! Yes, our plotlines collide as B5 finally takes note of Londo’s sleazy buddy and Sheridan becomes obsessed with finding out how a man on his wife’s doomed ship came to be alive and well and on his space station. We also see the totally 1984-ish inception of Earth Alliance’s Ministry of Peace. I love the subtlety of what they do, just offering a little extra pay for wearing an armband, oh, and if you see anybody with a dissenting opinion, just send their name our way. This is gonna turn into something big.

The other thing that this episode did for me was it really allowed me to finally wrap my head around John Sheridan. I still won’t say I’m totally sold on him but at least I finally get him. His obsession is understandable and totally justified, and I love that he knows how badly this has put him at odds with the rest of the command crew yet he insists on pursuing it anyway. Plus, we finally get some answers about The Shadows, The Vorlon, Delenn… heck, we even get some context for where the show is headed! I could only be happier if they’d let me peek in Kosh’s encounter suit!

Best Line
Morden: What do you want?
Vir Cotto: I’d like to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and stick it on a pike as a warning to the next ten generations that some favors come with too high a price.

Episode 217: Knives
Grade: B

Meh. Meh, I say. Meh! Londo meets an old friend aboard Babylon 5, only to discover they are now on opposite sides of the new ruling body emerging on Centauri Prime. On the cheesier side of things, Sheridan has an encounter with a dying alien and absorbs a flashy special effect that gives him visions of the past.

As glad as I was to see the reference to the mysterious Babylon 4, Sheridan’s whole subplot was a pretty poor one. Will it be back later and impress the pants off of me? Probably. But for right now, no thanks. Centauri politics, on the other hand, are always interesting and saved this episode from slipping into the C’s. I liked learning about the divisions forming on Centauri Prime and hearing Londo voice his misgivings about the road he has chosen. I don’t think I’ve mentioned his new look this season, but he’s always in black now, which is more than a little disconcerting.

Best Line
I prefer to be only slightly insane. – John Sheridan

Episode 218: Confessions and Lamentations
Grade: A

Wow, someone on staff is a Sheridan/Delenn shipper. I mean, I thought they were inklings of a romance during their dinner in A Race Through Dark Places, but they are pushing it with both hands here. Not that I disagree, mind you, they have good chemistry together. I’m just surprised.

Anyway, Confessions and Lamentations is an excellent medical mystery about a plague that is sweeping through Babylon 5’s population of Markab. It really gave us a chance to see Dr. Franklin in the spotlight again but avoided the sugar-coated ending that most TV shows would have gone for. I like how they really highlight his obsessive nature, even spin it in a positive light. And, hey, Warren Keffer shows up! Presumably this is just to remind you that he exists, as he has absolutely no bearing on the episode whatsoever, but I guess learning about his private hyperspace trips is kind of interesting. I guess.

Best Line
Everything to you is a problem to be solved, a test to be passed. But you know, Stephen, sometimes the test is not to find the answer, it’s to see how you react when you realize there is no answer. – Markab Doctor

Episode 219: Divided Loyalties
Grade: A+

Big changes on Babylon 5! The crew meets Lita Alexander, a telepath on the run and the original PsiCorp liaison assigned to Babylon 5 two years ago. Lita tells them that one of their number is, in fact, a sleeper agent for the Corp and she knows the trigger word that will show them who it is. Sort of a Manchurian Candidate thing.

Ivanova’s latent telepathy didn’t seem like quite the big reveal that it was built up to be, but the story about her childhood certainly justifies her fear of mind probes. Talia’s transformation and defection have left me a little torn. On one hand, her new personality is way more interesting than her old one, but, on the other hand, I finally liked her! Dang. At least this will put the brakes on the relationship with Garibaldi they kept trying to push last year.

Best Line
The Corp is Mother! – Talia Winters

Episode 220: The Long Twilight Struggle
Grade: A+

Londo Mollari is one of the most intriguing characters I’ve ever watched. He obviously knows the difference between right and wrong and he is very conscious of the fact that he is allowing atrocities to be committed over and over, and yet he makes no move to change his course. Is his desire for Centauri greatness that overpowering? Or is his newfound political importance just too alluring to give up? Does he fear that he has come too far to ever come back? I don’t know. He’s so sad to watch, clearly hating what has happened and knowing he’s a part of something truly heinous, but still striding into the council chambers and spitting so much conceit and venom that you instantly despise him.

Anyway, it’s on like Donkey Kong in this episode. The Narn and Centauri war comes to an end with complete and utter surrender by G’Kar’s government. Londo removes G’Kar from his Ambassadorial post and battle lines are drawn between the Centauri and pretty much everybody else in the galaxy. Delenn’s old teacher Draal, who we saw take stewardship of a planet in last season’s two-parter, reappears and offers his allegiance to Babylon 5 in the days ahead, and Sheridan meets the Rangers (from The Coming of Shadows) and assumes command of them, forming “an army of light.” We’ve turned a corner, folks, and nothing is
ever going be the same. Fantastic.

Best Line
No dictator, no invader can hold an imprisoned population by force of arms forever. There is no greater power in the universe than the need for freedom. Against that power tyrants and dictators cannot stand. The Centauri learned that lesson once. We will teach it to them again. Though it take a thousand years, we will be free. – Citizen G’Kar

Episode 221: Comes the Inquisitor
Grade: B-

Again, I find myself wholly underwhelmed with one episode to go in the season. At the behest of Ambassador Kosh, Delenn is ‘tested’ by an Inquisitor named Sebastian, who looks and talks like he stepped out of Oliver Twist. Citizen G’Kar, meanwhile, organizes an underground Narn resistance but struggles to maintain his leadership amidst growing doubts by his brethren.

This wasn’t a terrible show by any means, I rather enjoyed the G’Kar stuff, but it really just felt unnecessary. We already sorta knew that Delenn and Sheridan were ‘chosen.’ I guess it’s sort of interesting that they know it now, too, but it doesn’t really justify the rest of the episode to me. And the Jack the Ripper thing? Called it, like, immediately.

Best Line
Good luck to you in your holy cause, Captain Sheridan. May your choices have better results than mine – remembered not as a messenger. Remembered not as a reformer, not as a prophet, not as a hero, not even as Sebastian. Remembered only… as Jack. – Sebastian

Episode 222: The Fall of Night
Grade: A+

This show certainly has a way with endings, doesn’t it? The Centauri war expands to other races while Earth Alliance signs a nonaggression pact. The Bab 5 weapon systems get a workout protecting a Narn warship. The Ministry of Peace reappears to remind everyone we’ve always been at war with Eastasia. Warren Keffer shows up just long enough to screw over everyone and then die. And-OMG!-Kosh comes out of his encounter suit!

The Fall of Night is everything a season finale ought to want to be. Long running plots are advanced, hanging threads are sewn up, a few surprises get thrown in the mix, and a whole new paradigm is established for the coming season. It operates on a simply enormous scale and yet also remembers to include little touches that really send it into the stratosphere. Comedy beats like Lennier and Vir’s barstool friendship are given the necessary breathing room that makes the situation feel unprompted and a natural extension of their characters. Minor characters like Garibaldi’s second in command, Zack, are expanded and given a real personality that helps make Babylon 5 feel like a real world made up of real individuals, not just
walking wallpaper to paste up behind our main characters. There isn’t a single moment of this episode that hasn’t left me truly, truly impressed. Bravo.

Best Line
We came to this place because Babylon 5 was our last, best hope for peace. By the end of 2259, we knew that it had failed. But in so doing, it became something greater. As the war expanded, it became our last, best hope for victory. Because sometimes peace is another word for surrender, and because secrets have a way of getting out. – Susan Ivanova

Final Thoughts on Babylon 5: Season 2

For a period during my misguided youth, I dabbled in role playing games. Not Final Fantasy-type console gaming, but honest to goodness, pen and paper RPGs: Dungeons and Dragons, Werewolf: The Apocalypse, West End’s Star Wars. I loved them all, and, to this day, I enjoy reading rulebooks and adventure modules when I can get my hands on them. I was never a very good Dungeon Master, though. The concept of creating epic story arcs and psychologically and emotionally complex characters always appealed to me, but my campaigns always fell apart within hours. My grand ideas would become muddled grinds without a satisfying resolution or meaningful interaction. I would get impatient as the PCs sifted through piddling tasks, so I would start laying down nonnegotiable quests that were too tough or too simple just to move things along and tell the story I wanted to tell.

The reason I bring this up is that I want J Michael Straczynski to be my DM. I stand now at the end of Babylon 5’s second season, completely in awe of its incredible finale. So much has been revealed and yet so much remains unsaid. After 44 episodes, we have met a dozen main characters (and at least a dozen other important ones), encountered threats and conspiracies from within and without, and learned of prophecies and mythologies from all corners of the galaxy, yet the Shadows-our Enemy with a capital E-have barely made an appearance. We’re seeing more of them, yes, but not much more. Blurry shapes here, blink-and-they’re-gone starships there. We, the audience, certainly have a better view of it all than our characters do, but not by much. It’s an interesting feeling to be able to see where things are going and yet have no idea
where you’re headed.

Due to some real life obligations, I don’t expect I’ll be able to jump into Season 3 for at least another couple of weeks. It’s going to take a lot of willpower, though. This show has gotten its hooks in me, deep and I can tell it isn’t going to let go anytime soon. This is everything television should be.

- 2/13/2009

The Scoop: 2008, R, directed by Ryuhei Kitamura, starring Bradley Cooper, Leslie Bibb, Brooke Shields, and Vinnie Jones

Tagline: The most terrifying ride you’ll ever take.

Summary Capsule: An edgy photographer tracks a serial killer through the subways of New York City and might be losing his mind in the process.

Al’s Rating: Like being whacked with a meat tenderizer just before your stop.

Al’s Review: This has become a very hard review for me to write. I saw The Midnight Meat Train nearly two and a half months ago and knew exactly what I thought about it as soon as it was over. Every time I sat down to type this out, however, I wound up walking away in frustration. It seems that there are two reviews battling it out in my head: the one that I really, really want to give it and the one I think it ultimately earned. In fairness, I’m gonna give you a glimpse of both.

The Midnight Meat Train tells the story of Leon Kauffman (Bradley Cooper), a struggling New York photographer who stays out until all hours of the night attempting to capture the city “as it really is.” One night, a woman involved in one of his more successful photos turns up missing and Leon becomes suspicious of a nameless man on the subway in the background (Vinnie Jones). Leon’s suspicion quickly gives way to obsession, and soon he is stalking the man through the city and stumbling onto things far darker and more dangerous than kidnapping.

The review I want to write is going to gush about what a fantastic looking film director Ryuhei Kitamura (Versus) has created. It stays far away from the bright lights and family atmosphere NYC has tried so hard to cultivate in the last fifteen years, preferring instead to dwell in the gray and grungy alleys and dark, isolated subway platforms that inhabit everyone’s worst fears about New York after dark. Think less like Sex and the City, and more like The Warriors.

The tension is relentless as the story gathers steam and Leon’s obsession takes its toll on his health, his sanity, and his relationship with his fiancée, Maya (Leslie Bibb). Director Kitamura is also smart enough to keep the pressure on, once it develops. You’ll find no jump scares and no It’s Only A Cat moments; none of the relief valves our horror movies usually come equipped with nowadays. Even when the film gets violent (and, believe me, it does) it’s over so quick that it doesn’t feel like a release. It’s just ratcheting you up another notch and you’re forced to sit there and stew in it. It’s great.

The other review, however—the one that’s been making my life difficult—has more to do with how I felt when The Midnight Meat Train was over. The ultimate payoff of the film is simply everything the first eighty minutes is not. Without getting specific, I’ll say that the ending devolves into gratuitous scares, indulgent gore, and a genre shift so jarring it’ll give you whiplash. In your typical horror flick, I will happily cheer on all this trashiness and then some, but here it feels like a betrayal. All the intelligence and creepy allure that draw you in are totally squandered on a cheap, one-trick twist and a climax with all the style of a Saw sequel.

Also, this other review would be spending enormous amounts of time in hysterics over the title of the movie. The Midnight Meat Train? Seriously? It sounds like it belongs in the back room of the video store. The one that has the swinging double doors and a security camera.

Anyway, I really, really, really want to recommend this because of everything it tries to be. The story is refreshingly different, the characters are interesting and layered, and the mood slithers under your skin instead of trying to scare you out of it. The Midnight Meat Train is the kind of movie that the horror community should be hoisting on its collective shoulders and parading around the field. In fact, you know what? See it. Rent it, buy it, Netflix it. However you feed your movie cravings, make The Midnight Meat Train a part of it. I can’t guarantee you’ll enjoy it, but it deserves to be recognized for everything it does right. Maybe next time they’ll feel more comfortable taking a chance instead of going back to the well.

Didja Notice?

Man, Godot is so dead when he shows up.

• Vinnie Jones has never been more terrifying?
• Tofu spattered in meat grease? Mmm.
• The disembodied head-cam?
• The Guardian Angel’s giant knife must be really uncomfortable to carry around in his pants like that?
• Mahogany’s personal grooming habits? Gross.
• So there’s a literal midnight meat train? Interesting.

Is It Worth Staying Through the End Credits?

No.

Intermission!

Ready? Okay, everybody say Meathammer!

The film is based on a Clive Barker short story of the same name. Barker also provided some of the paintings in Susan Hoff’s art gallery.

Groovy Quotes

Susan Hoff: The next time you find yourself at the heart of the city, stay put. Be brave. Keep shooting. Then come see me.

Leon Kauffman: She didn’t like my work.
Jurgis: No she doesn’t. When she hates somebody’s work, she gives them about a minute. You got three.
Leon: So, what, she likes it?
Jurgis: I wouldn’t go that far.

Leon Kauffman: I’ve got a train to catch.

Driver: Step away from the meat.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Absolute Power
• Blow-Up
• Se7en

I mean, yes, this is a ’spaceship movie,’ and I know there are plenty of people—including a few I know of who read this site—who are starting to zone out because they don’t like ’spaceship movies.’ I would ask them, though, to give me the benefit of the doubt. Starship Troopers has wealth of stuff to see and listen to and laugh at once you can get past where the story takes place and start paying attention to what’s actually going on.

To give a little perspective on where I’m coming from when I say that this is a movie I love, let me explain that I consider Starship Troopers to be one of the most watchable science fiction movies of the last twenty-five years. I’m sure this is will send the Blade Runner and 2001 crowd screaming and frothing at the mouth, but that’s how I roll, folks, and I write for the site; you don’t. Neener neener neener. It’s a movie that is often overlooked and underestimated, but I think Troopers is exciting and intelligent and subversive enough to stand toe to toe with any one of the A-listers that gets dragged out every few years for a ‘best of’ roll-call, but it’s also fun and funny enough that I’ll sit down with it over them any day of the week.

It has a lot of fun with the expectations of the audience when they walk into a war movie and it runs fast and far with the idea of portraying the bad guys as the good guys. There are a lot of little moments, too; shots or scenes or swatches of dialogue that deserve some appreciation. Plus it’s got bugs that shoot blue stuff out of their butts, and that’s always cool.

On a slightly different note, I just want to mention that I had a really great time rewatching Starship Troopers for the purpose a Mutant Viewing. I hadn’t seen it in a while and I really got to drill down my thoughts on what I find so enjoyable and even noticed a few new things, too. Rediscovering exactly why you appreciate something is a rare experience and this is one I had a ball with from start to finish. I hope you guys will have as much fun reading it.

-==AND NOW FOR OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION=–

0:37 Title Card: “Starship Troopers” in big black and white letters, then a triumphant anthem proclaiming “JOIN UP NOW!”

For those who don’t recall all the commotion when this film came out in 1997, it’s interesting to note (I think) that critics trashed it up and down the circuit for being hyper violent, stupidly one-dimensional, and startlingly fascist. Of course, this is yet another reason why they should be objects of pity and roundly ignored whenever possible. The movie is a propaganda piece, pure and simple. It’s going to go to all sorts of lengths to show our protagonists’ lifestyle is the best possible light. For example, we’re shown a diverse crowd of proud, attractive young men and women, all doing their part for their planet and who couldn’t smile wider if they were in a toothpaste commercial. Then, a little rascal in full infantry uniform makes everyone laugh like the last shot of a Scooby Doo cartoon.

0:59 We’re also treated to our first of many newsbreaks from The Television Of the Future, asking “Would you like to know more?” It’s a fun little device that lets them dump tons of exposition on us without sacrificing any credibility. Notice the very Nazi-ish eagle logo. Also, I particularly like the Enlist button on the right. Feeling patriotic and reckless? Sign up today!

1:20 The newsbreak fills us in on meteor bombardment by the bugs, the ‘interplanetary defense system,’ and the bug homeworld of Klendathu. I like the picture of the Milky Way and the arrow labeled “You Are Here.” Then, we’re taken (live!) to “Big K” and the first invasion of Klendathu. Our doughy reporter-on-the-scene has zero chance of survival.

1:51 “It’s an ugly planet! A bug planet! It’s a planet hostile to life as we… ARGHHH!” Nineteen seconds. Our intrepid war correspondent is diced into bite-size snackpacks and we get our first look at a big, ugly bug. Also, we see some marines, and—hey it’s Casper Van Dien! Is he getting stabbed in the groin and dragged off-camera? Isn’t he the hero?

2:46 One Year Earlier. Ah, so at least we know it’s all going to end well. Casper, as John Rico, is really showing us his action hero potential by drawing smoochy pictures of himself and Denise Richards in his Notebook Of the Future. Not that we weren’t all doing that in 1997, but he isn’t exactly proving himself worthy of top billing.

3:00 What he is demonstrating here, however, is an apparent death wish because he’s in a history class taught by Jean Rasczak, aka Michael Freakin Ironside. Even minus a left hand, everyone knows that, on the shortlist of people you don’t want piss off, Michael Ironside is probably in the top three. Especially when he’s dressed like Han Solo (which is the case here). Classmate Dizzy Flores (Dina Meyers) wags a finger at him and looks smoking hot.

3:10 “Let’s sum up. This year we explored the failure of democracy; how the social scientists brought our world to the brink of chaos. We talked about the veterans, how they took control and imposed the stability that has lasted for centuries.” I love his little speech about the difference between a Citizen and a Civilian. Michael Ironside would be the best history teacher ever. “When you vote, you’re exercising political authority. You’re using force! And force, my friends, is violence. The supreme authority from which all other authority is derived.”

4:00 Carmen Ibanez (Denise Richards) shows herself to be a good little fascist and smirks about Hiroshima. Rico further cements his leading man status but admitting he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

5:30 After class, Rico and Carmen check out some seriously public test results. Carmen scores 97% on her math final and bubbles about enlisting into the Fleet. Rico scores 35% and his best friend Carl (Neil Patrick Harris) blows it up nice and large so everyone can point and laugh at him. Consider this the first of many instances where we see just how good Johnny’s skills are at picking friends that will tease him, annoy us, or generally prove themselves to be oily jerkweeds.

6:00 Carl continues in his best friend duties by emasculating Rico, forcing him to admit he and Carmen haven’t “done it” yet. He exposits to us that Dizzy is ‘in waiting’ for him, but Rico says he only wants Carmen. Aww. It’s like World War 90210.

6:48 Science class. Rico dissects a bug with power tools. Carmen reminds us that this is a Paul VerHoeven film by vomiting on screen. We also see the science teacher, who, like Mr. Rasczak and nearly every other Citizen in the film, shows off some war wounds—in this case, a decided lack of eyes.

8:20 I like this scene. Back at home, Carl shows us he is psychic by taking a Playing Card Of The Future and trying to ’send’ the image to Rico, who guesses wrong every single time. “You know, statistically speaking, you should have accidentally guessed right by now.”

9:00 Carl talks a bit about psychic stuff and sends his pet ferret, Cyrano, to go make nice with his mother’s leg. Smarmy jerk.

9:45 The Big Game: Tigers (Us) Vs Giants (Them). Johnny runs the big, silver Football of the Future in for a touchdown in something akin to arena football, only with less padding and more gymnastics. The opposing team’s star player, Zander Barcalow, hits on Carmen then scores a touchdown to tie the game. Watch out, Johnny! He’s the same guy who stole Kelly Kapowski from Zack!

12:08 Rico finally does something other than be a pasty, bumbling, whiner and manages to score the winning touchdown, thus also securing the affections of his girlfriend for at least a few more scenes.

12:39 Johnny fights with parents before the senior dance about joining the military. They’d prefer he goes to Harvard. Dad makes fun of the service and Michael Ironside’s name, almost guaranteeing that he won’t make it to the closing credits. They try and buy him off with a trip to “the outer rings. Zegema Beach.” Johnny considers.

14:30 The Big Dance. Dizzy dances with Rico for a little bit before he blows her off to talk to Rasczak. Carl slimes his way up to her and does a little finger snap. Hilarious.

16:00 Rico whines to Mr. Rasczak that his parents don’t want him to join the service, Rasczak keeps giving blow off answers and trying to escape. Finally, he says , “Figuring things out for yourself is the only freedom anyone really has. Use that freedom.” Then he walks away. I love it.

17:05 Johnny finds Carmen talking to Zander. It turns out he’s joining the Fleet, too. *DUN DUN DUNNNNN!* Rico pulls her away for the last dance, “I Have Not Been to Oxford Town,” by David Bowie Of The Future.

18:00 Johnny decides to enlist, and Carmen tells him her dad isn’t home tonight. See that, kids? Volunteer for two years of life-threatening military work and you will get in your girlfriend’s pants. Also, if you watch the wide shot, Dizzy is chewing gum while she dances. That cracks me up for some reason.

18:35 The next day. Johnny, Carmen, and Carl are sworn in and get assigned. Carmen enters flight school, Carl enters Military Intelligence, and Johnny gets Mobile Infantry. Johnny is congratulated by the clerk, who proclaims “Infantry made me the man I am today!” Johnny is not particularly inspired, given that the man is missing two legs and an arm.

19:32 Carmen, “Let’s make a vow. No matter what, we’ll always be friends.” I’ll put the over/under on this vow lasting at, let’s say, thirty minutes? Place your bets!

20:15 Dad yells at Johnny, Johnny storms out of the house. I like how the scene transitions by letting the camera catch the reflection of Johnny and Mom in the window instead of just jump cutting. Mom also calls Johnny’s bluff and asks him if he’s joining for a girl. But, mom! It’s a hot girl!

22:15 Johnny and Carmen say their goodbyes. Exeunt. End Act 1.

22:25 Newsbreak #2. Soldiers showing children how to shoot guns. A peek at the Justice System Of The Future. Ads for psychics. A story on slaughtered colonists. I like how the video of dead Mormons are shown in all their eviscerated glory but the cow getting killed is blurred out. Priorities Of The Future!

23:52 Johnny is at basic training, learning to be a badass. And who better to teach him than Drill Sergeant Zim aka Clancy Ever Loving Brown! Oh, yes.

24:30 Clancy beats a laughing cadet with a metal baton and makes him run laps.

25:20 Clancy judo flips a cadet and breaks his arm.

25:45 Dizzy shows up on a transfer to Johnny’s unit. Johnny looks nonplussed.

26:30 Clancy sweeps Dizzy to the ground and chokes her into unconsciousness. Johnny looks a little happier.

26:50 We meet Ace Levy, played by *sigh* Jake Busey. Since Johnny is now best-friendless and Ace is suitably creepy, the two of them get chummy.

28:00 Boot camp hijinx. Johnny and Dizzy are mad at each other. Johnny and Ace argue about who’s going to make squad leader. Dizzy knocks them both into a mudpit.

29:00 Clancy puts a knife through the meat of Ace’s hand. Yay!

29:10 [Daves] Shower Sceneeee…..[/Daves] We finally learn some background and a few other names. Broken Arm Guy is Breckenridge, a big dumb farmer. There’s a black girl that wants to go into politics but whose name I can’t understand now matter how many times I play it back. Shujumi, who looks more Hispanic than Asian but whatever, says he wanted to go to Harvard but Dad insisted on the infantry; I like the quick cut to Johnny. There’s a redhead who wants a license to have babies. Ace wants to be an officer; one of the shower rings frames his head like he’s in a noose. I try not to get my hopes up. Johnny plays wet blanket and refuses to answer, but Dizzy outs him anyway as doing it all for the nookie. Laughing Guy talks a lot but doesn’t get a name of his own.

31:00 Johnny sends Carmen a video letter which is actually rather funny and sweet (and inexplicably involves Ace playing a violin) before the camera pulls out and into Carmen’s dorm in flight school. She and her friends race to see who will pilot the shuttle, where one enthusiastic young extra exclaims “Not Ibanez! She’s crazy!” We get lots of sweeping space vistas and overacting by the people in the back seat. Denise Richards is making crazy eyes the entire time.

33:00 We find out Carmen (a) reports to someone who looks like Captain Janeway’s stunt double and (b) she gets to fly the big Star Destroyer-looking thing. Oh, and her flight trainer is—DUN DUN DUNNNNN!—Zander, the girlfriend thief! When he tells her he’s been stalking her throughout flight school, Carmen is clearly turned on.

36:00 The Starship Troopers version of warp drive. It’s spider-webby.

37:20: Wargames back at boot camp. Johnny’s pinned down; Dizzy saves his butt with some old football plays. He gets the win, the glory, and Squad Leader. Again. Dizzy gets shafted. I can’t help but see a trend developing.

38:15 Mail call. I like the extra (”Nyla”) who milks his one line and two seconds of screen time for everything he possibly can. “Oh! Here I am! Great! Yeah! My dad! Thanks!” Also, Carmen breaks up with Johnny. Johnny whines that he only joined up for her. Luckily, he has the loving caress of Jake Busey to ease the pain.

40:00 A live fire exercise with dozens, if not hundreds, of troops walking around in the background. Far be it from me to question Drill Sergeant Zim, but I have to wonder about the logic there.

41:24 Hey, blood and guts! I remember those! Big, dumb Breckenridge gets fragged by Politics Girl when Johnny tries to fix his helmet. Score another one for our hero.

42:11 Politics Girl washes out. On Clancy Brown’s recommendation, Rico gets 10 lashes. He passes out after six. Wimp.

45:14 Back on the Star Destroyer, Carmen and Zander make goo goo eyes at each other. Carmen goes off-course and Zander says something about her “licking his navs.” They do the “about-to-kiss-but-then—” thing, when Red Alert flashes and they find themselves headed up against an asteroid. Thanks to Zander and Carmen, communications are destroyed, so they can’t warn anyone else about a high-speed asteroid being fired from the arachnid quarantine zone. Somehow, in the eyes of Captain Janeway’s stunt double, this makes them heroes.

48:00 Back at boot, Johnny packs his bag. He’s calls his parents via AT&T Of The Future to patch things up. They agree to let him come home before the transmission is terminated due to… darkness.

51:16 I love this scene when everyone finds out that the Earth has been attacked and Buenos Aires has been wiped off of the map. Dizzy says, “Oh Johnny, that’s us.” Wait. Johnny, Dizzy, Carmen, and Carl are from Argentina? Really? They’re the whitest people in the movie! Even ethnicity aside, you’d think one of them would have a tan.

51:50 Clancy Brown is demanding he see action on the front lines and the brass insists he needs to stay on base as a drill instructor or else get himself busted down to Private. Rico runs back into the office and asks to be reinstated. He’s denied but Clancy saves the day by tearing up his contract. Johnny leaves with ‘Go get ‘em, Tiger!’ expression.

52:39 Newsbreak into Act 3. All about the tragedy Buenos Aires, a dead dog, the “The only good bug is dead bug!” guy, and a rousing speech about how humans must dominate the galaxy. We also see Carl, listed here as just ‘Military Scientist,’ showing us the best way to kill the arachnid warriors. There are also grade-schoolers stomping bugs on the playground while their teacher looks on laughing maniacally. Lastly, we see a familiarly doughy embedded reporter who mentions briefly that it might actually be our fault that we were attacked, but he’s quickly shouted down by Johnny and his friends.

56:00 Johnny and Carmen meet again on the space station and Carmen says “Johnny, it’s different now.” The vow lasted 37 minutes. Winnings can be collected at the ticket office.

56:30 Johnny and Zander meet again. Zander is a smarmy jerk, so Johnny clocks him. Finally, something heroic! That’s for Carmen! And that’s for Kelly! And that’s for Jo Reynolds on Melrose Place! And that’s for starring in “A Boyfriend For Christmas!”

57:31 The fight is broken up, and, despite being suplexed onto a table, Johnny’s hair hasn’t moved an inch. The boy has clearly got some ‘Mega Hold’-level gel in there.

57:53 Drunken tattoos. As part of his duties as Rico’s Giant Douchebag Best Friend, Ace pours whiskey on Johnny’s arm while the Tattoo Machine of the Future does it’s job. The four—Johnny, Ace, Dizzy, and Laughing Guy—scream and pose with their new tats, but, as only three of the four have names, Laughing Guy is pretty clearly on the fast track to the meat grinder. Poor Laughing Guy.

58:00 Go time. The infantry strap in and drop off, heading down towards ‘Big K’. I really like the different expressions on everyone’s faces while they wait to land.

1:00:18 The prerequisite mid-drop “Wooooooooo Hoooooooo!” courtesy of Shujumi.

1:02:05 Mobile Infantry is on the ground and charging. Our first look at ginormous bugs firing blue blobs of plasma out of their butts.

1:02:40 …which are promptly blown to smithereens by shoulder-mounted nuclear bombs.

1:03:00 Boo! Rico’s platoon encounters its first warrior bug, they take it down with only one casualty. Unfortunately, it’s six million bug brothers aren’t too happy about that and stampede towards them. Squad Leader Ace is too petrified to think, but Johnny steps up with the Patton-esque battle plan of “Kill them! Kill them all!”

1:04:04 Shujumi has a bit of a Rambo moment, but loses a leg for his trouble and is quickly devoured. Pregnancy girl freaks out and runs away but falls into a bughole and gets dragged offscreen.

1:05:09 Hey, it’s doughy reporter guy again! Hi, doughy reporter guy! Hi, beginning of the movie! Ooh. Bye, doughy reporter guy.

1:06:04 Laughing Guy bites it and we find out his name is… Kitten. Kitten? I guess I wouldn’t be announcing it either.

1:06:30 Johnny gets stabbed, although from this angle it’s more leg and less groin, which is good news for all men experiencing sympathy pains. He gets left behind during the retreat and starts firing his Shotgun of the Future at the encroaching nasties until…

1:06:58 Newsbreak! We’re informed 100,000 soldiers were killed in one hour on Klendathu and the Sky Marshall has stepped down. Some very Frank Miller-ish talking heads debate the existence of a “Brain Bug.” It reminds me a lot of VerHoeven’s TV personalities in Robocop. I’ll buy that for dollar!

1:09:00 Act 4 starts with a semi-Gone With the Wind shot of wounded soldiers as Carmen and Zander visit the infirmary post-attack. Klendathu Casualties: 308,563 (KIA: 305,615; Wounded: 2,949). 205,791 are MIA. Carmen looks up Johnny and we find out he has been killed in action.

Well, folks, I guess that’s it for Starship Troopers. Thanks so much for reading and… wait, what? Oh, there’s another scene.

1:09:53 Hey! It’s Johnny, floating in a Not A Bacta Tank. His leg wound is getting repaired by one of the machines that constructed LeeLoo in The Fifth Element. It’s both gross and cool. Dizzy and Ace run up to the glass laughing and show him the report the states he’s been killed in action. Ace calls Johnny ‘fish-boy.’ Heh. Dizzy kisses the glass before she leaves. Johnny smiles.

1:11:00 Johnny is back in action and he, Dizzy, and Ace have all been transferred to the ‘Roughnecks’, the squad that killed more bugs than anyone else on Big K. They also learn Zegema Beach, where Johnny would have been if he listened to his parents, has been wiped out. Jake calls the new lieutenant ‘a real nut-buster’ and gets punched in the face. Yay! It seems this mysterious lieutenant has saved the life of nearly everyone in the squad at some point, included rescuing Rico on Big K.

1:12:00 And who’re you gonna call to lead the baddest of the bad asses? Michael Ironside, of course, on loan from the history department.

Rasczak: “This is for you new people. I only have one rule. Everyone fights. No one quits. You don’t do your job, I’ll shoot you. You get me?”

Newbies: “We get you, sir!”

Rasczak: “Welcome to the Roughnecks.”

Lady Who Punched Ace: “Rasczak’s Roughnecks!”

Everyone: “Hooah!”

Awesome.

1:13:00 The fleet firebombs basically an entire planet. The Infantry is sent in to mop up survivors. Our heroes plus another Roughneck named Watkins find a bug and turn it to paste, Watkins gets a bit overenthusiastic.

1:16:05 We see our first gigantic, underground, napalm spewing bug. The lady who punched Ace gets her arm burnt off, but Johnny goes all Luke Skywalker on it and blows it up from the inside with a well-placed grenade. Of course, Luke Skywalker is practically the lovechild of James Dean and John Shaft compared with our boy Casper. Rasczak promotes him to corporal anyway, “until you’re dead or I find someone better.” I cross my fingers.

1:19:02 “I expect the best, and I give the best! Here’s the beer!” The post-battle party. Ace plays a classy, neon green Violin of the Future while Rico plays ball. Watkins compliments him with my favorite line of the movie: “Rico! You kill bugs good!”

1:19:45 Dizzy tries to get Johnny to dance, he stops her cold for no good reason. Michael Ironside advises him to stop being an ass and go for it.

1:20:41 Johnny and Dizzy slow dance while Ace leers at them and looks kind of like The Joker.

1:21:25 Boobies again! Rico and Dizzy hook up, and there’s a moment I really like where she gets her shirt stuck over her head. Then again, Dina Meyer could be fixing sewage pipes and I’d probably say I really enjoyed it. Anyway, just as things start to move outside their MPAA rating, Rasczak pops in and tells Johnny there’s been a distress call and the squad is moving out in ten minutes. He then surveys the situation and changes his mind. “Make that twenty minutes.”

1:23:53 Humping through Planet P, we see our first flying, green dragonfly/bat bug who picks off a sacrificial extra. Rasczak grabs a sniper rifle and shoots the imperiled extra before he is eaten alive. “I’d expect anyone in this unit to do the same for me!” Rico is now promoted to Sergeant. Also, it appears Watkins’ nickname is ‘Sugar.’ I feel okay not hearing the story behind that one.

1:25:21 The Roughnecks show up too late. Everyone at the distressed outpost it dead.

1:26:59 Dizzy finds a corpse with a hole in his head and missing his gray matter. “They sucked his brains out!” Everyone looks mildly repulsed.

1:28:12 One survivor is found, a general. He explains that there’s a bug who controls your mind and makes you do things, like order fake distress calls. The mission is a trap. The general freaks out; Ironside smacks him with his pimp hand.

1:29:15 Millions of bugs come swarming over the hillside. The Roughnecks take positions Alamo-style.

1:30:00 Bug corpses pile up around the perimeter; dragonfly/bat bugs swoop in and decapitate people. Johnny downs one flier and, typical for our hero, the dead body drops straight on the general, turning him into a smear on the deck. Ace laughs because he’s a jerk.

1:31:24 As Johnny radios for pickup, the bugs are using the mounting corpses as a ramp to get inside the compound. It’s neat.

1:33:01 The rescue ship arrives as ammo runs low, but not before a bughole opens up in the ground. Rasczak gets his legs eaten off and tells Rico “You know what to do!”

1:34:10 RIP Michael Ironside. Thanks, hero.

1:34:36 Dizzy celebrates killing a big, nasty napalm bug, but everything goes into slow motion, which is never a good thing in action movies. She takes four pincers in the chest and has to be dragged onto the escape ship.

1:36:03 A neat shot of the overrun compound as the ship takes off. Looks like a job for the Orkin Man.

1:36:44 Dizzy dies in Johnny’s arms. As much as a appreciate VerHoeven’s penchant for realistic violence in his movies, they really could’ve cleaned her up a bit. Bloody teeth? Ick.

1:37:20 Carmen finds out from Zander that Johnny is in the back. Did I mention that they were flying the rescue ship? No? Well, they are. Johnny and Carmen meet again and she tries to be nice, but Johnny basically tells her to go suck an egg. Way to grow a spine, kid!

1:38:00 Carmen looks sad, Zander looks annoyed.

1:38:30 No newsbreak, but our Act 5 starts here, with Dizzy’s funeral. Johnny gives a eulogy and tries to sound battle-hardened, but it comes off as more of a petulant child who really wanted a train set, mom! Dizzy’s coffin is ejected into space, presumably so she can crash on the Genesis planet and make it with Robin Curtis during Pon Farr.

1:39:45 Carl shows up again, looking very much like the Schutzstaffel. He says that they knew it was a trap but everyone is returning to Planet P because now they know that there is definitely a ‘Brain Bug’ on the planet. Johnny is promoted to be the Roughneck’s new Lieutenant because… well… I guess because he shot the old Lieutenant.

1:41:30 Johnny, Ace, and Sugar meet their new team, all of whom look about fourteen. Johnny jokes to Ace about being the ‘old men’ of the unit.

Rico: “This is for all you new people. I only have one rule. Everyone fights. No one quits. You don’t do your job, I’ll shoot you myself. You get me?”

Newbies: “We get you, sir!”

Rico: “Welcome to the Roughnecks.”

Sugar: “Rico’s Roughnecks!”

Everyone: “Hooah!”

As much as Rico is a giant dork and a hopeless tool, it’s still a cool moment.

1:42:45 Up in space above P, the Fleet dodges butt-plasma being launched from the surface. Just as Carmen and Zander are about to initiate ‘Star Drive’, their ship gets hit and breaks in two. It’s pretty cool.

1:44:18 Captain Janeway gets squashed by a blast door while trying to abandon ship.

1:45:20 Carmen and Zander make it to an escape pod. I notice neither of them are wearing their seatbelts (just thought I should mention it). Johnny and Ace watch it crashland inside Bug City.

1:48:00 Johnny hears Zander and Carmen get stabbed over the radio. He cancels the rescue party and trudges forward on his mission.

1:49:52 Johnny gets a funny feel Carmen is still alive. He, Ace, and Sugar split from their troops and go off-mission to go find her. For the record, our heroes have just left their entire squad without any leadership. Good work.

1:51:01 Cut back to Zander and Carmen, who are, indeed, still alive. They meet the brain bug, which looks kind of like a big marshmallow with ten eyes and a brain-sucking straw.

1:52:20 Speaking of brain-sucking: bye, Zander.

1:53:00 And speaking of just plain sucking: Hi, Johnny.

1:53:18 Johnny rescues Carmen and fends off the brain bug with a nuclear bomb. I haven’t mentioned them before, but I like the little helper bugs that carry the Brain around because it’s too fat to move on its own.

1:53:39 The Brain Bug retreats and the warrior bugs attack. Johnny follows in the long, proud tradition of action heroics by running away as fast as he can.

1:54:17 Sugar gets stabbed and takes the nuke from Johnny. He stays behind to buy time.

1:55:40 Johnny, Ace, and Carmen outrun the nuclear explosion (naturally) and head back to the surface to find that the Brain Bug has been captured by someone else. Yep. After watching this goon for two hours, he’s not even the hero of the story.

1:57:00 Johnny, Carmen, and Carl are reunited. Carl doesn’t quite admit he used his psychic powers to guide Johnny to Carmen, but comes close enough.

1:57:40 Of course, by this point you must be wondering who the real hero is. Who stole Johnny’s thunder and saved the day? Who else? Private Clancy Ever-Loving Brown. Oh, yes. Everyone cheers. All is right with the world.

1:58:10 Final newsbreak. Triumphant music plays are scientists in suits stick all sorts of horrible devices into the Brain Bug. We see a cool gun that blows up a mountain. We see Carmen has become a ship captain, God help us. Johnny and Ace have both been fully brainwashed into good little Nazi stormtroopers now, but Rico has almost mastered his tough guy face, so I guess that’s something of a victory. The movie proclaims: They’ll Keep Fighting… And They’ll Win!

1:59:11 The End. Roll credits.

So, that’s my long, long, LONG treatise on Starship Troopers and why it’s so awesome. Looking back over it, I guess I talked less about the Nazi imagery and the cool directorial choices Verhoeven made and more about the hilarious cast and hackneyed dialogue. I’m okay with that, though. Even if you’re not sold on Troopers as a sci-fi masterpiece, it certainly should’ve filled your daily quota for blood, breasts, Michael Ironside kicking ass, and Clancy Brown saving the human race. And, really, what more could you want out of 120 minutes?

Last January, with all of the bright, shiny possibilities for the year, I believe I actually said the words “2008 is going to be a fantastic year!” There were sequels and sequels and sequels to look forward to, like Rambo, Indiana Jones, Harry Potter, Batman, Star Trek, and Narnia. Interesting original projects were popping up like Tropic Thunder, Be Kind Rewind, Pineapple Express, Hancock, and Where in the World is Osama bin Laden? New stuff was in production from Kevin Smith, Spike Lee, Bryan Singer, Simon Pegg, and Pixar. It was a lot to look forward to, and I worked myself up into a frenzy over it.

Then Brad Renfro and Heath Ledger happened. Then Vampira. And Roy Scheider, George Carlin, Isaac Hayes, Paul Newman, Stan Winston, Charlton Heston, Bernie Mac, Don LaFontaine, Michael Critchton, Eartha Kitt, Majel Barrett, and too, too many others. Our forums list twenty-one RIP threads from January to December. Twenty-one!

The movies that I had expected everyone would unite behind left us divided instead. Indiana Jones, Cloverfield, and Quantum of Solace left viewers either hot or cold with very little middle ground. Prince Caspian, X-Files: I Want to Believe, and Zack and Miri Make a Porno fizzled unspectacularly. A few blunders, like Star Wars: The Clone Wars and Speed Racer, made people outright hostile.

And yet 2008 also yielded some of the best movies I’ve seen in years. WALL-E was one I missed theatrically but was a brilliant trip of a film that looked absolutely gorgeous. The Dark Knight lived up to all it’s hype and then some. Iron Man surprised the heck out of me with its personality and wit. Forgetting Sarah Marshall was unexpectedly engaging and intelligent, as was The Ruins, but in a totally different way that involved more amputation and self mutilation.

The Mutant ranks faced the same kinds of extremes. Sue battled giant floods and malignant neoplasms and actually sat all the way through Twilight. Drew became a daddy, while Justin prepped his own sympathy pains by watching Junior. We saw a significant downturn in the number of footnotes-per-review with the loss of Shalen midway through the year, but, like the hydra, compensated by sprouting Kaleb, Heather, and Courtney, who all helped keep the good times rolling.

Now, faced with another January, looking at the possibilities of Harry Potter and Star Trek (there’s another one of those downers—delays!), Watchmen and Wolverine, Terminator and Transformers, Coraline, Fanboys, Dragonball, Inglourious Basterds, and plenty more that I’m sure will keep my interests piqued, I think I can say that things are looking up for 2009. Naturally, some of these will be everything I’ve wanted and more, and others will bomb miserably. I’d like to think that I’m not so foolish as to make another prediction using the world ‘fantastic’ in it, but you know what? Screw it. 2009 is going to be a fantastic year. Yeah, that’s right, I said it. Now hit me with your best shot.

DISCLAIMER
There are two kinds of people when it comes to Battlestar Galactica: those who love it and those who will. For anyone in the latter category, please stop reading now. Seriously, I mean it. The following geek session contains discussion about every season of Galactica so far: events, characters, and episodes that will be MAJOR SPOILERS for anyone who isn’t up to date. BSG is the best show on television right now and for us to cheat you out of experiencing it untarnished simply isn’t fair. So, please, go read Justin’s excellent review of seasons one and two or browse Findaflik for something else to occupy your time today. Or better yet, run down to your local video store and grab it for yourself. Anyway, consider yourself warned.

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With the last half of the last season of Battlestar Galactica primed and ready to launch, Lissa and I have decided to get our geek on and create lists of the moments during the past three-and-a-half seasons that really knocked us out. They could be events that shocked us or left us feeling gutpunched, character moments that helped us define or see another side to those who inhabit the rag tag fleet, or scenes that put our hearts in our throat with adrenaline or anger or sadness or fear.

Of course, not everything in the past five years is worth putting on the ‘For Your Consideration’ reel. Boxey. Pregnant Six. And, of course, Lee whining and whining and whining and whining. And what more fun than tearing down the stuff that bugs you? So grab your gun and bring in the cat, as we present our Top Ten Battlestar Moments Worth Talking About (and Five Where You Can Save Your Breath)!

#10

Lissa’s #10 Battlestar Moment Worth Talking About:
Laura Roslin kidnaps Hera (Downloaded, Episode 218)

LISSA: Okay, the truth is this moment is highly uncomfortable because I adore Roslin and seeing her do something so dark is very disappointing. But at the same time, it’s real. What I really like is that BSG isn’t afraid to tarnish (most of) its heroes, and that’s why I picked this moment. Plus, while I love Laura, she doesn’t get a lot of the big kick-ass moments that other people do. And it led to the awesome line, “Doctor, if I want to toss a baby out an airlock, I’ll say so.”

AL: That is quite possibly my favorite line in the entire show and I like this choice for the same reason. Roslin is a fascinating character to see change from the miniseries to now, and it’s really the first time she did something that I hated her for. I can understand mistrusting Sharon and everything, but faking the murder of a child is just disgusting, especially coming from a character you love so much.

Al’s #10 Battlestar Moment Worth Talking About:
There’s a Baltar in Six’s head! (Downloaded, Episode 218)

AL: Although there are other moments that I rate higher for other reasons, my money says this is the biggest mindfrak of the whole series. When Caprica Six wakes up in the gooey Cylon placenta stuff only to see the face of purported human Gaius Baltar staring back at her, the director gives us just enough time to suck in our breath and go “OH MY GOD, HE’S A CYLON!” before showing us that it’s way more interesting than that. Six in Baltar’s head has been a staple of Galactica since the miniseries, but finding out that Six has an invisible Baltar following her around too just compounds the weirdness ten times over. I love it.

LISSA: Aside from everything that Al has mentioned here, the Head!Baltar just cracks me up. Granted, it’s even funnier when he’s in his own head, but the smooth, sarcastic, jibing ways of the Head!Baltar are fantastic. James Callis isn’t underrated as an actor, but he really does a great job with this.

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#9

Lissa’s #9 Battlestar Moment Worth Talking About:
Tyrol becomes the union head (Dirty Hands, Episode 216)
LISSA: The first time we watched the series, Chief Tyrol was one of my favorite characters. He won me over with his laid back, easy-going attitude and the way he seemed to really care for his crew. Like all the BSG people, he went through a lot of falterings and fumblings, and this was a great moment for me because it seemed like Chief had found his footing. Before they DESTROYED IT! BWAHAHAHAHA!

I also really wish I’d thought to mention Cally’s breakdown at the beginning of The Ties That Bind. Okay, so I watched that episode in the middle of PPD after having T2, but Cally’s desperation as Nicky just refused to sleep was so true to life and so… well, I just sat there crying at that one. It’s nice to see media portray the less glamorous, less-Hallmark side of motherhood.

AL: Chief playing Norma Rae? Really? I like the guy, too, but I would have been happy if they just left it at him throwing his body on the gears and the levers and whatnot from New Caprica. I mentioned in my Babylon 5 article that labor union episodes bore me, and this definitely falls in that category. No thanks.

Al’s #9 Battlestar Moment Worth Talking About:
Gaius convinces Boomer to commit suicide (Kobol’s Last Gleaming I, Episode 112)
AL: This, for me, was the first time I really sat up and took notice of Gaius Baltar. He was always the series’ bad guy, but it was almost by default. He wasn’t knowingly complicit in the Cylon attack and he hadn’t done anything terribly villainous since, except lying to save his own skin and acting like a giant sniveling coward. His situations were really often played more for laughs than anything else. But Baltar’s manipulation of Sharon in this episode snapped him right back into focus for me. He has reasons—and, perhaps even more horribly, they are understandable and justifiable ones—but his behavior here is just chilling.

LISSA: Oh my God, YES. Oh, that was so creepy. I love it. I really, really, really did not expect that, and when that gun went off my jaw was on the floor. This scene was amazing, especially since at first I couldn’t get my mind to believe he was truly convincing her to shoot herself.

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#8

Lissa’s #8 Battlestar Moment Worth Talking About:
Dee has to rescue Starbuck (Rapture, Episode 312)
LISSA: At the express request of Starbuck’s husband and Dee’s husband, who’s as good as Starbuck’s lover. As much as the Quadrangle of Doom annoys the heck out of me, this was so brilliant and the girls played it out so well… Battlestar Galactica isn’t the same show unless they’re all breaking each other’s hearts, and that’s exactly what they’re doing here.

AL: Dee’s character has been pushed in a direction where she doesn’t get a lot of great moments, so I was definitely glad to see her have this little plot all to herself. Of course, in addition finally watching Kandyse McClure get some screentime, I think it also brings an interesting dimension to the aforementioned Quadrangle. We know Sam has trying like hell to hold onto his marriage and Dee has been increasingly frustrated seeing her predictions come to pass, but getting to watch the two women being forced to deal with each other in close quarters is excellent.

Al’s #8 Battlestar Moment Worth Talking About:
The Galactica finds Earth halfway through Season 4 (Revelations, Episode 412)
AL: Ron Moore had long said that the last season of Galactica would see our Rag Tag Fleet finally make it to Earth. I just don’t think anyone expected that there would still be ten episodes left when they did it! I mean, I’m sure the Cylon civil war and the missing skinjob will keep our crew busy, but I’m super curious where the heck the story goes from here. It was always ‘Find Earth,’ ‘Find Earth,’ ‘Find Earth.’ Now that they’re here and it sucks, I’m absolutely clueless about how it’s going to end. Hopefully not with Galactica 1980.

LISSA: Add me into the cluelessness. But yeah, this was such an amazing midseason finale. The whole celebration, the crew… I mean, I was watching and grinning and I think I might have even been crying when they were all celebrating. And then the flat “Earth” from Laura, and everyone (but Gaeta and Tom Zarek) staring around at a nuclear wasteland. Somebody’s Fleet is gonna be really ticked off….

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#7

Lissa’s #7 Battlestar Moment Worth Talking About:
Adama and Cain try to assassinate each other (Resurrection Ship II, Episode 212)
LISSA: The whole return of the Pegasus arc was awesome anyway, and I… well, not liked Cain, but thought she was an excellent character. I always thought she and Adama were interesting foils. But this was great, especially as they each brought their seconds in, and then backed off. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife, and even though I knew they wouldn’t kill Adama (then), I was still on the edge of my seat.

AL: I absolutely love Admiral Cain. Aside from being played by Michelle Forbes, who I think is one of the most underrated actresses in the business; she was a great mirror for Adama, like the Battlestar version of Spock with a goatee. She represents what Adama could have been in different circumstances. And, while I also knew deep down that they weren’t killing off Eddie Olmos anytime soon, BSG is the one show on television where I could ask the question ‘Is our lead character going to shoot another character in the head?’ really believe it might go either way.

Al’s #7 Battlestar Moment Worth Talking About:
Galactica faces off against the Pegasus (Pegasus, Episode 210)
AL: My #7 is from the same story arc as yours, and really rests on the same reasoning: seeing what happens when an irresistible force meets an immoveable object. Both Michelle Forbes and Eddie Olmos are dynamite and on no other show would it be plausible to us that our characters might shoot down the only other group of humans left in the galaxy.

LISSA: Yeah, we’re good, aren’t we? I don’t have much to add, so I’ll take a moment to agree that Michelle Forbes did an awesome job with Cain, and that got even more layered in Razor. And that it was really interesting how different they made the Galactica and the Pegasus look.

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#6

Lissa’s #6 Battlestar Moment Worth Talking About:
Starbuck captures the Raider and appears over Apollo (You Can’t Go Home Again, Episode 105)
LISSA: Ah, Season 1 Starbuck, how I miss you. Aside from the capture of the Raider leading to some of the better comedy moments in the series, this proved that Starbuck was as smart as she was cocky and brave, and just pure awesome. Although where she got the duct tape will remain a mystery, I’m sure.

AL: Yeah, it is kind of sad that we don’t see more of Starbuck kicking ass like this as the series goes on. I also like the little ‘happy dance’ wing shimmy that Apollo and Starbuck do in tandem as they head back to Galactica; it’s a sweet moment.

Al’s #6 Battlestar Moment Worth Talking About:
Gina the Cylon (Pegasus, Episode 210)
AL: Can you tell I’m a little stuck on the whole Admiral Cain arc? This was another instance where my stomach really felt like it dropped into my shoes. When Baltar first encounters the Pegasus’s Cylon prisoner, it’s enough to make you cringe. She is a broken, crippled, nearly catatonic woman, beaten until she has become unrecognizable. The real horror of the scene, though, is the dawning look of recognition of the face of Gaius’s invisible Six. “It’s me,” she says. Six has always been intelligent, sexy, and in control; seeing her so utterly shattered is almost hard to watch.

LISSA: And then add in that Gina and Cain were lovers… ouch. Seriously, I know that there are people who are grumpy about that, but it was a brilliant touch that added so much more pathos and tragedy to that scene. Also, that was the first time I truly liked Baltar, when he saw Gina and obviously felt true, unfaked compassion for her.

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#5

Lissa’s #5 Battlestar Moment Worth Talking About:
Boomer shoots Adama (Kobol’s Last Gleaming II, Episode 113)
LISSA: It should be a warning: every time everyone’s riding high, something bad is going to happen. But of course, this was Season 1, so we didn’t know that. And after Boomer got back from her blow-up-the-basestar mission all triumph and smiles, and then pounded two into the Commander’s chest… WOW.

AL: You know, this actually got halfway spoiled for me and I was still left in shock when it happened. I rather foolishly opened my Season 2.0 DVD before finishing Season 1, and the capsule for Episode 201 starts off with something like “With Adama critically wounded…” But even with that knowledge, this whole episode is so jammed full of plot and characters that Adama’s shooting took me completely by surprise.

Al’s #5 Battlestar Moment Worth Talking About:
Boomer shoots Adama (Kobol’s Last Gleaming II, Episode 113)
AL: Hey, great minds, huh? I’m not sure I have a whole lot else to say about this moment that you didn’t cover. I think it bears mentioning, though, how much time they took handling all the fallout. Adama didn’t get back on his feet for like another five episodes, which is refreshing. Picard would have been striding around the bridge by the end of the next episode.

LISSA: Hmm. I don’t have much to add here either, so I’ll take a moment to say I’m really impressed with the acting from Tricia Helfer and Grace Park. They both play multiple, physically identical characters, but you can always tell which Cylon they are, if it’s a named one. (However, if we could stop with the Eight romance plots, that would make me REALLY happy, okay? But they can still shoot people. That’s fine.)

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#4
Lissa’s #4 Battlestar Moment Worth Talking About:
Gaeta pulls a gun on Baltar (Exodus II, Episode 304)
LISSA: Gaeta is my current favorite character. I say current, because I didn’t really notice him much the first two seasons the first time around. He was always there, but always this fairly happy little do-gooder fanboy of Gaius Baltar. (Incidentally, I have done a complete 180 from my Last Cylon article. I no longer think he’s a Cylon, and I’m now completely convinced he was truly in love with Baltar.) But when he trained that gun on Gaius… aside from the fact he acted the hell out of it, that was the precise moment Gaeta got a third dimension and went from good little military boy to broken idealist. No other character has had that defining of a moment for me.

AL: Gaeta was totally in love with Baltar (though it was something I never considered until you mentioned it) and I think you hit the nail on the head with this moment of his. As much as I liked his double role as Chief of Staff and resistance informant, his pulling the gun on Gaius is such a perfect example of the drastic, life-altering changes that New Caprica has brought on our characters. Becoming suicide bombers and being chained up in freaky dollhouses may make for good television, but it’s a little too dramatic for most of us to relate to. But feeling bitter and lied to by someone who looks like they’re going to get away with it? I can understand that.

Al’s #4 Battlestar Moment Worth Talking About:
Tigh kills his wife (Exodus II, Episode 304)
AL: Saul and Ellen Tigh have been my favorite characters for most of the series. Ellen always presents such a fun, funny contrast to the doom and gloom of everyone else on Galactica, and Saul walks this amazing line between being a total disaster of a man and a steadfast, worthy officer of the fleet. They don’t deliver big, important speeches or make cataclysmic decisions each week, but that’s probably why I gravitate towards them more than the others. And that’s also why Saul’s poisoning of Ellen was so much harder for me to watch than Roslin’s death will be or Starbuck or Helo or whoever else they’re going to kill off before the end of the show. No matter how completely messed up and unhealthy their marriage is, her love for him is so strong that she will do literally anything to keep him safe and he clings so desperately to his code of conduct that he is forced to kill her for it, hating himself all the while. This is my favorite scene of the show, hands down. It didn’t make the top of my list here, but I can watch this over and over and it’s a heartpunch every time.

LISSA: Oh yes. And Michael Hogan and Kate Vernon acted this one like crazy. It’s a heartbreaker. But I am optimistic that they will be reunited, because my current (unspoiled) theory is that Ellen Tigh is the final Cylon. (Honestly- I don’t think the identity of the Cylon can be a shocker, because come on. The internet has guessed everyone from Adama to Jake the dog. But the why or the how… how about something like Ellen’s known she’s a Cylon the entire series, and encouraged Tigh’s drinking because she was hoping that would somehow override his circuitry and get him to remember he’s a Cylon, too?) Gotta agree with Al on this one- this is one heck of a moment.

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#3

Lissa’s #3 Battlestar Moment Worth Talking About:
Tigh’s balls of steel moment (Revelations, Episode 412)
LISSA: I didn’t really like Tigh a lot in the beginning. It was hard to. He was a drunk, he was a lousy officer, and do we even need to discuss his stint at martial law? And yet, somehow, I think starting on New Caprica (I love New Caprica), he started growing on me. But unlike the above mentioned Gaeta moment, my love for Tigh crept up on me. And I didn’t realize how much I had grown to really like and respect the character until that moment when he walked himself down to the airlock, completely willing to put himself out it if it would save humanity and his best friend Bill.

AL: This is a great moment for Tigh, who, like I said above, is not a character that gets a lot of ‘stand up and cheer’ moments. This isn’t really a situation that elicits a great deal of cheering either, but his willingness to suck it up and devastate his best friend is tremendous. The more I think about it, it actually represents a great deal of growth for Tigh, comparing it to how he struggles to make tough decisions during so much of seasons one and two.

Al’s #3 Battlestar Moment Worth Talking About:
Adama gets a moustache (Lay Down Your Burdens II, Episode 220)
AL: Yes, some other stuff happened, too. The timeline jumps forward a year (something that BSG did before every other show on television started to), the cast settles on New Caprica, Starbuck grows her hair, Lee gets fat and married. But a moustache? In space? It just isn’t done, Bill. It just isn’t done.

LISSA: And it was not at all flattering, either. Good thing he shaved it before Laura saw him again, or she would have laughed her butt off at him, and gone off and had a quickie with Tom Zarek.

Hmm. Maybe I shouldn’t take cold medicine before writing Mutant articles.

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#2

Lissa’s #2 Battlestar Moment Worth Talking About:
“I love you.” “About time.” (The Hub, Episode 409)
LISSA: There’s a phrase in fandom called “OTP”, meaning “one true pairing.” It means the pairing you love above all others. Roslin/Adama is my OTP. I liked them from the first season, and have been eagerly watching the evolution of their relationship over time. It’s mature, it’s balanced, it’s flawed, it’s honest, and it’s absolutely amazing. It is easily my favorite relationship in media, period. The above exchange was simply the crystallizing moment of what has already been an amazing chemistry.

AL: Roslin/Adama has been a long time coming and I love that, even when it was acknowledged, they would refuse to do much more than dance around it. The show really worked for that scene and the characters earned it.

Al’s #2 Battlestar Moment Worth Talking About:
Gaius confesses his sins (The Hub, Episode 409)
AL: If there’s one thing you always thought you could count on in the world of Battlestar Galactica, it’s that Gaius Baltar would always be a self-serving, spineless sneak. So, seeing him at the head of a religious movement in Season 4 is something I simply didn’t buy as legitimate; I assumed he was blowing smoke to stay in the good graces of the only people who would still accept him. But then in The Hub, he goes and does something totally unexpected: he confesses his darkest secret—the one that has driven him since the original miniseries—to Laura Roslin, the woman who has spent the last thirty episodes just looking for an excuse to flush him out an airlock. And once I was able to process what he had done, my mind was changed. I think it’s true, folks. Gaius is reformed. You think you know some people…

LISSA: Yes, yes, and more yes.

I hate Gaius Baltar, and I love to hate him. He gets under my skin, he annoys the heck out of me, and I do not respect his code of ethics at all. He’s a strange little man, and yet still manages to sleep with more women than anyone else on the show. (Seriously, the man is a total sex addict, and I’m not convinced he wouldn’t try to have sex with an electrical socket if he thought it would get him off.) And like Al, I just did not believe he had changed… until he made that confession. And then I believed it wholeheartedly.

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#1

Lissa’s #1 Battlestar Moment Worth Talking About:
The New Caprica rescue (Exodus II, Episode 304)
LISSA: Exodus II is my favorite episode thus far, but the rescue! WOW! From the moment the Cylons look out over New Caprica and see the bombs going off, it’s just the biggest adrenaline rush ever. I love the prison break, and Sam finding Kara. I love the Pegasus taking out two basestars. I love the Galactica holding out, even as she’s dying. I love when Adama is hoisted onto the crowd’s shoulders, and Tigh limps away. But more than anything, I love, love, LOVE that moment when the Galactica breaks atmo and lets out the Vipers. BEST. TV. EVER.

AL: You won’t find a more action-packed episode than Exodus II (plus it’s great for showing off your HDTV). The script, the direction, the acting, the effects; they’re all spot on at every turn. Even characters that don’t get a lot to do in the episode, like Laura, get little moments that will make you smile. The whole thing is a fantastic production that not only looks good, but creates shockwaves that will resonate for the entire season. Really stellar stuff.

Al’s #1 Battlestar Moment Worth Talking About:
All Along the Watchtower (Crossroads II, Episode 320)
AL: The other moments on this list have made me cry, laugh, shout, or left me shocked, but this is the only time where I can say I had my mind blown. Hearing the weird strains of music begin to knit together as our characters starting reciting song lyrics is confusing enough, but then the big reveal of the Final Five, the massive Cylon attack, the return of Kara Thrace, and a long awaited glimpse of Earth, all while the soundtrack blossoms into a psychedelic All Along The Watchtower? Whoa.

LISSA: The problem I had here- and the reason it didn’t make my list- is because I accidentally got spoiled for this. Now, I like me my spoilers, and you better believe that when Amazon accidentally released four of the last five webisodes, I watched #10 first. But, I only like certain spoilers. I could watch webisode #10 because I wanted one question answered: did Gaeta and Hoshi stay together? Now, frankly, who cares? How does that remotely affect the plot? It doesn’t. But I don’t want to know who the Cylons are in advance, or what happened to Earth, or what the heck is going on with Starbuck. And because we were behind, when I happened across the Entertainment Weekly article that SAID WHO THE FOUR WERE, I got spoiled.

But it would have been awesome if I hadn’t been.

MOMENTS WE WOULD RATHER FORGET

#5

Lissa’s #5 Battlestar Moment She’d Rather Forget:
The Quadrangle of Doom (Various, Seasons 2 & 3)
LISSA: This is more something that extends over the whole series. I don’t mind Starbuck and Lee, although frankly, I think they work better as friends. I love Starbuck and Anders, and think she’s an idiot for tossing away the best thing that could have happened to her- I don’t care if he’s a Cylon, the guy gets her. I don’t like Dee and Lee, but I don’t think I’m supposed to. I do think Dee and Anders should just ditch the losers and go hook up and be happy, but even when they try to Starbuck and Lee just can’t get it together. And it drags on and on and on. I get how the relationships are important to each character, but I’m sick of it already.

AL: No arguments here. I will say, however, in between all of the relationship sludge, it does allow for some fantastic moments between Sam and Kara after New Caprica, that heartbreakingly uncomfortable scene where they make out in front of Lee at the end of Season 2, and the entirety of Unfinished Business, which is one of my all time favorites.

Al’s #5 Battlestar Moment He’d Rather Forget:
Lee shoots a gangster (Black Market, Episode 214)
AL:
Dear Battlestar,
When you start an episode with a character telling your emotionally unstable leading man that there’s no way he’s going to shoot him, the fact that he will indeed be shot is not only not a foregone conclusion but makes the entire episode a giant waste of our time. Thanks for listening!

Love, Alan

LISSA: YAWN. Um, totally agree with Al, got nothing new to add since I listed Black Market as my #1 moment.

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#4

Lissa’s #4 Battlestar Moment She’d Rather Forget:
The entirety of Hero (Hero, Episode 308)
LISSA: Retconning the entire mythology and the introduction of a character we never see again… oi. Plus, I like me the ensemble cast, and this was a little too single character centric, especially since it was a character we’d never met. (Well, and Adama. And Tigh.) But this one just fell flat for me.

AL: I really liked seeing Carl Lumbley again (Go M.A.N.T.I.S.!), but, yeah, this episode was a bit of a throwaway. The ‘Adama started the war’ retcon doesn’t bother me as much as the ‘Laura was sleeping with the President’ one from Epiphanies, though, because I think it plays nicely into the Cylon perspective that humanity will never leave them alone if they are left to their own devices.

Al’s #4 Battlestar Moment He’d Rather Forget:
The scrolls of Pythia get a little too specific (Home I & II, Episodes 206, 207)
AL: Battlestar Galactica is a story about a lot of things, but searching for pirate treasure has never been one of them. When Roslin and Elosha dove headfirst into the scrolls of Pythia and started announcing that Caprica Sharon represents the “lower demon” of prophecy and they need to follow “high road through the rocky ridge” and pass over “the gates of Hera” to find the Tomb of Athena, I started getting a serious case of sour milk face. I half expected X to mark the spot. Generally, I really like the whole mystical angle that the show has developed—I think it provides a welcome respite to the gloomy, pervasive atheism of our heroes and helps add an epic, ‘walking in the shadows of giants’ feel to the whole thing—but the prophecies play best when they hover in the background. They ought to be a guideline, not a roadmap.

LISSA: Can’t really argue with your logic, although I have to admit I didn’t mind this so much. Prophecies tend to annoy me in general, so I usually flat out don’t think about them and go along for the ride. This was a middling moment for me. Didn’t love it, but didn’t hate it, either. I will take a moment to note that I find it interesting that my bottom five are more character/relationship moments, and yours are more plot/science moments. See, people? There’s lots in here for both genders.

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#3

Lissa’s #3 Battlestar Moment She’d Rather Forget:
Adama’s wife (A Day in the Life, Episode 315)
LISSA: Now, I will defend romantic relationships on BSG. I don’t think they’re pointless, even the above-mentioned quadrangle of doom, which is just more annoying than pointless. But Bill belongs to Laura, darn it. She may flirt with other men, because all must realize how hot and amazing and purely awesome Laura is and that’s fine, but Bill belongs to Laura. Anyone arguing will promptly be put out the airlock. Yes, it’s a double standard. No, I don’t care. And I REALLY didn’t care about Bill’s failed marriage. Especially when it led into Lee’s whole “Mom abused me and brother” wibble. I mean, how many episodes ago did we find out Starbuck had an abusive mother? (Although that one worked for me.) It made Lee’s Daddy issues make more sense, but it was still a little too much.

AL: Mommy Adama was definitely unnecessary. I know every show that runs long enough has to have a ‘this is a typical day’ episode, but I think the writers got scared and started heaping on conflicts and revelations that weren’t that interesting to begin with just serve to throw more angsty fuel on an already overfed fire.

Al’s #3 Battlestar Moment He’d Rather Forget:
Chief establishes a labor union (Dirty Hands, Episode 316)
AL: Enter the difference between me and Liss. I will begrudgingly award a few brownie points to this episode for presenting a legitimate argument on both sides of the labor issue, but I honestly don’t care. The whole thing just feels like a small distraction given too much attention when there are much more interesting things the show could be dealing with. Add to that the fact that the union is never brought up again and that the writers must have known that Chief’s story was changing drastically just a few episodes later, and it all ends up feeling like they were padding out the season.

LISSA: Okay, that’s a fair point about them never bringing it up again and Chief’s story changing drastically. However, what I did find very interesting about this episode was Adama being willing to shoot Cally. I’m wondering if that trait will come up again in Season 4.5, as previews have indicated that mutiny is pretty likely. But I still like Chief, and so anything that gives him that kind of screen time, I’ll stick to it.

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#2

Lissa’s #2 Battlestar Moment She’d Rather Forget:
The Woman King (The Woman King, Episode 314)
LISSA: Do not get me wrong. I love Helo- I really do. If these people were real, I would want Helo to be my best friend. (Because, y’know, I’m happily married and I’d never dare to cross Athena even if I wasn’t.) But for all that I do like Helo as a moral center, Helo needs to fall. He needs to put his faith wrong for once, or pay the consequences for his decisions rather than be patted on the head. However, he does wander around shirtless a lot in this episode, so I suppose it has some redeeming value.

AL: Agreed. I rewatched this episode recently and, while I had really enjoyed it in the past, it definitely stuck out as another unnecessary notch in Helo’s belt. If he had been wrong, then the show could have added Bruce Davison as a regular cast member, too. A missed opportunity, I guess.

Al’s #2 Battlestar Moment He’d Rather Forget:
The Blackbird is destroyed (Resurrection Ship II, Episode 212)
AL: Flight of the Phoenix is probably my favorite standalone episode in the show. I love watching everybody banding together to build The Little Viper That Could. I love what they do with Chief’s character in the aftermath of Boomer’s betrayal. I love Tigh and Tyrol’s scene in the storeroom at the gin still and the unveiling of the stealth ship in front of the President. It’s an episode with a lot of heart in it. So why, oh why, would they take so much time and devote so much praise to their super-duper whoa-isn’t-this-the-coolest-thing-ever Blackbird, if they were just going to destroy it three episodes later? On its first mission? <i>In a flashback?</i> I know they were setting up Apollo for his big story arc and that, given where the rest of the season was headed from that point, the ship may not have seen a lot of action, but it just seems like a real waste of a good concept.

LISSA: Yeah. I can see that. It didn’t bug me nearly as much as it bugs you, but it really is the epitome of anticlimactic. Plus, did they build any more? I know resources were tight, but it seemed like there were lots of scraps to build from.

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#1

Lissa’s #1 Battlestar Moment She’d Rather Forget:
Black Market (Black Market, Episode 214)
LISSA: UGH. BO-RING. Seriously. The whole frakking episode. It’s still not horrendous, but it was an experiment that just didn’t work for me, and it was heavy on Lee. (I don’t really like Lee. Did you notice that?)

AL: Yeah, this was a misfire from start to finish. I recognize that it was part of a very dark character arc for Apollo, one that I don’t think really resolves itself until the last episode of Season 3, but Black Market just stinks. It’s got big, supposedly important backstory information about Lee that has never been mentioned before and never will be again, laughable character inconsistencies from just about everyone, and the whole thing is done with that irritating flashback/flashforward plot device that BSG insisted on using four episodes in a row during Season 2. It’s a waste of time and waste of the awesome guest star Bill Duke. Interestingly, my friend Mike ranks this as one of his favorites in the whole series. I can’t figure it out, but at least the episode has a fan base <i>somewhere</i>.

Al’s #1 Battlestar Moment He’d Rather Forget:
The Midseason Wasteland (Various, Season 2 & 3)
AL: Battlestar Galactica seems to have developed a formula about itself (and I’m not counting Season 1 because it was only 13 episodes.) Each season starts off with a bang to resolve last season’s cliffhanger, then spends a few episodes dealing with the fallout and building on the mythology of the series. The midpoint is a multipart story about a large, unexpected bump in the road for Galactica and the Rag Tag Fleet, and the final few episodes set up the new cliffhanger for the next go-round. In between the midpoint and the drive to the finale, however, are a handful of episodes I have termed the Midseason Wasteland. Be it through network pressure, a lack of ideas in the writer’s room, or simply a misguided belief that we need calm before the storm, these episodes are standalones that tend to focus heavily on one character, present a problem that almost feels beneath our heroes, and generally don’t build on the series in any meaningful way. This is Black Market, Sacrifice, The Woman King, and The Captain’s Hand. They are stories whose overall relevance can be summed up in two sentences or less. I could tolerate them were they sprinkled throughout the year, but each season instead presents you with three or four weeks where you could skip the show entirely and not miss anything that couldn’t be recouped with ten seconds of ‘Previously on Battlestar Galactica.’ A show this good shouldn’t make me feel this ambivalent for this long. Hopefully Season 4 will break the trend and give us a strong finish.

LISSA: I think Season 4 will, just because there’s way too much that needs resolved and we’ve already had our padding. But I don’t mind the mid-season wastelands as much. Sort of. I guess. I mean, I certainly cited Black Market and The Woman King as my two least favorite episodes. I didn’t really like Sacrifice, especially since that’s when they killed Billy. (I really liked Billy.) And yeah, The Captain’s Hand… I just read the Wiki summary and while I can remember the abortion plotline, I still only have vague memories of the rest of it. And Hero falls into that. And Epiphanies. (Oh, definitely must agree about the Roslin/Adar affair.) Okay, okay. You win. But more for Season 2 than Season 3.

So, yeah. Season 4.5 (Now THERE’S a low point- hiatuses!!!!) is starting very soon, and we’ll be gabbing about it on the Forum, I’m sure. (And by “gabbing” I mean “picking it apart and analyzing all the details that most of the world wouldn’t care about.”) So if you haven’t caught up, do it NOW, and join us. You can’t resist.

So say we all!