“Help! Help! I’m being repressed! Come see the violence inherent in the system!”

The Scoop: 1975 PG, directed by Terry Gilliam & Terry Jones and starring Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Eric Idle and Michael Palin

Tagline: And now! At Last! Another film completely different from some of the other films which aren’t quite the same as this one is.

Summary: Monty Python, that wacky British street gang, travel old England in search for the Holy Grail and a sorcerer named Tim

Sue’s Rating: Is there anyone who hasn’t seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail? Aside from my parents, I mean. And a few of their friends. And Farmer Dave from next door. Oh, and Captain Johnson.

Sue’s Review: Seldom do I let anyone escape a review without the obligatory forced march down memory lane, so come along with me (if ye dare) back to a dimly lit family room in a nice suburban house in Chester County, Pennsylvania. The year is 1983. The hour is late enough that my parents have already hit the proverbial hay (which was probably a good thing) and my sister and a few friends are preparing to watch a movie on our brand new state of the art VCR. Enter the annoying, but persistant younger sibling. Moi. And imagine that younger sibling’s initial befuddlement when faced with opening credits written in what appears to be Swedish… and that the credits involve justifiable violence committed by a moose. Until the credit writers were sacked.

And I, the least among them, laughed my friggin’ head off.

So began a young waif’s (well, maybe not so young or waifish. I was fifteen.) initiation into the world of cult movies in general and Monty Python in particular.

Now flash forward several (eek!) decades to just a few days ago. It was a morning at work, like many other mornings. The daily books were done, the lottery sheets added up, the coffee brewed, the glass doors de-finger-smudged, a few shelves dusted and the day’s headlines perused… all by seven-thirty. (Which is about the same time Kyle probably starts thinking about going to bed.) In my hand, I had a cup of Life’s L’il Elixir (16 ounces of Vanilla Nut java with three creams and two sugars) and I was chatting idly with one of the coffee klatch regulars, a law enforcement officer who I have come to refer to affectionately as “the gun-toting atheist.” (He doesn’t seem to mind too much. At least, he hasn’t hosed me down with pepper spray or written me up for a 10-96. Yet.) During the course of our conversation, which had meandered in the direction of a proposed expansion of a local charter school, I inadvertently used the phrase, “tract of land.” As the words left my mouth, my train of thought derailed and burst into the flames. Hesitating, I winced and muttered under my breath, “Ergh, Monty Python moment.” Immediately, and to my complete surprise, he bellowed with perfect inflection, “HUUUUUUUGE TRACTS OF LAND!”

Wow! You just don’t expect that from someone who is quite dapperly (and officially) attired like the very model of a modern Major-General.

Later, I related the incident to my offspring, Spawn of Mutant 1 and 2 as we dined lavishly at the local Pizza Hut. (SoM2 prefers the pasta. Snob.) In the manner of their teenaged stream-of-consciousness kind, SoM1 launched into a monologue pertaining to the air-speed velocity of the African versus the European Swallow (laden and not) while his sister sighed and reflected dolefully about “poor tortured cats.” From there, we held a retrospective on the instruction manual for the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. (Book of Armaments, Chapter 2, verses 9-21) There are times when I am just… so gosh darn proud of my children. *sniff*

Is there a point to all of this? Does a European swallow’s wings flap forty-three times a second? Well actually, no, but that’s beside the point.

All of this, I think, serves to illustrate the magic of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. To watch this movie is to join a fraternity of sorts. You can’t necessarily tell at first glance who your fellow members are, but they pop up every so often and say Ni again to you, if you do not appease them, to fart in your general direction and to ask you trick questions about your name and favorite color.

They… that is to say, WE are out there and WE are a force to be reckoned with. That’s the essence of a fine cult film and Holy Grail is arguably the finest ever made.

In fact, I am convinced that when the chips are down, and when the team is up against it, and the breaks are beating the boys, and you cry out, “I want…. A SHRUBBERY!” you will hear the unmistakable clopping of many non-migratory coconut shells retreating into the distance to the upraised chorus of “Run away! Run away!”

It’s beautiful when you stop to think about it. Just beautiful.

Want a second opinion?  Check out Justin, PoolMan and Lissa’s reviews here!

Bugs flips out

Didja Notice?

• Cat abuse!
• I’ve always loved how the musical soundtrack cut off in the middle of the first Black Knight fight, which makes the sounds of combat so much more funny
• The Black Knight was first played by John Cleese, but when Arthur cuts off the man’s leg, a real one-legged actor (a local silversmith) was used.
• Most of the castles were cardboard cutouts, and indeed the trailer shows one of them falling over.
• A shrubbery is British slang for a hooker, giving the whole Knights who say Ni scene a double meaning
• When Tim the Enchanter gives the “eccentric performance” about the ferocity of the rabbit, there is a large amount of spit that comes flying out of his mouth. [thanks Jared]
• When Sir Bedevere asks the villagers why witches burn, you can see the villager on the left (Eric Idle) start to crack up. To keep from giggling, he bites onto his scythe. [thanks Jared]
• The picture of Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film is actually Michael Palin’s son, William. [thanks Jared]
• If you watch the monks hitting themselves on the head carefully, you can see one of the monks in the back stagger after hitting himself. [thanks Pat F]

Groovy Quotes

French Soldier: I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

Bedevere: What makes you think she’s a witch?
Peasant: Well she turned me into a newt!
Bedevere: A newt?
Peasant: I got better.
Crowd: BURN HER ANYWAY!

Dennis: Help! Help! I’m being repressed! Come see the violence inherent in the system! Violence inherent in the system!

Bedevere: …and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana shaped.
Arthur: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep’s bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

King of Swamp Castle: We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.
Prince Herbert: But I don’t like her.
King of Swamp Castle: Don’t like her? What’s wrong with her. She’s beautiful, she’s rich, she’s got huge … tracts of land.

Tim: Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.
Arthur: What an eccentric performance.

Knights of Camelot: [singing] We’re knights of the Round Table, we dance whene’er we’re able. We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impec-cable, We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. / We’re knights of the Round Table, our shows are for-mi-dable. But many times we’re given rhymes that are quite un-sing-able, We’re opera mad in Camelot, we sing from the diaphragm a lot. / In war we’re tough and able, Quite in-de-fa-ti-gable. Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable / It’s a busy life in Camelot [solo] I have to push the pram a lot.

King of Swamp Castle: Look Alice…
Prince Herbert: Herbert!
King of Swamp Castle: Herbert…

Minstrel: [singing] Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to being mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes carved out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecap split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis…
Sir Robin: THAT’S, that’s quite enough, Minstrel.

Minstrel: [singing] Brave Sir Robin ran away, bravely ran away away. When danger reared his ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled. Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about, he turned his tail, he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. A brave retreat by Sir Robin.

God: What are you doing now?
Arthur: Averting our eyes, oh Lord.
God: Well, don’t. It’s just like those miserable psalms, always so depressing.

King of Swamp Castle: This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let’s not bicker and argue about who killed who.

Arthur: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
French Soldier: No, now go away before I taunt you a second time.

Black Knight: Have at you!
Arthur: You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine.
Black Knight: Oh, had enough eh?
Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard. You’ve got no arms left!
Black Knight: Yes I have.
Arthur: Look!
Black Knight: Just a flesh wound!

French Knight: You don’t frighten us, English pig dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called “Arthur King,” you and all your silly English K-nig-hts.

Arthur: I am your king!
Woman: Well I didn’t vote for you!
Arthur: You don’t vote for kings.
Woman: Well how’d you become king then?
[Angelic music plays...]
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king!
Dennis: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin’ in ponds distributin’ swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!

Dennis: Oh, but you can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!

Dennis: Oh but if I went ’round sayin’ I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they’d put me away!

[The King gestures to the window.]
King of Swamp Castle: Some day, lad, all this will be yours.
Prince Herbert: What, the curtains?

Knight 1: We are now no longer the Knights who say Ni.
Knight 2: NI!
Other Knights: Shh…
Knight 1: We are now the Knights who say… “Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG! Zoom-Boing! Z’nourrwringmm!”

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Monty Python’s Life of Brian
• Monty Python’s Meaning of Life
• Excalibur

“Dude, I just spent the afternoon in Middle-earth with glee-glop and the floopty-doos, all right?”

The Scoop: 2008 R, directed by David Wain and starring Seann William Scott, Paul Rudd and Elizabeth Banks

Tagline: Danny and Wheeler were just sentenced to 150 hours mentoring kids. Worst idea ever.

Summary Capsule: Uh… I think the tagline did just fine in this case.  Go see him.

Justin’s Rating: “LARP” just sounds dirty…

Justin’s Review: Let’s face it: Some people probably should never be role models.  Britney Spears, for instance.  Gary Busey, for another.  Barry Bonds and Jose Canseco.  Any college professor who extols the excellence of Lolita a little too much.  People whose ideas of intellectual discourse usually end with the phrase “Git er done!” or “That’s what SHE said!”  Mutant Reviewers.  And, it should go without saying, anyone who’s ever appeared on, hosted or produced a reality TV show or talk show.

That leaves us precious few decent role models in the world for today’s whippersnappers, so is it any surprise when you read about some kid who tried to ramp his mom’s SUV off of a snow bank in a Costco parking lot to sail above, and then straight into, a retaining pond?

Two more people we could add to the above list might include Paul Rudd (who’s mastered the sarcastic, depressed and verbose loser) and Sean William Scott (who is at least 40 years old and still playing Stifler in each and every film).  Mothers should be bundling their precious youngsters under their arms and fleeing the streets, like in a Western or something, if they saw this pair approach their children.

So it’ll obviously take a small miracle or great con to see Rudd and Scott placed into a “Big Brother/Little Brother”-type social program, which is delivered via the fickle fairy of movie fate.  As part of the traveling duo of energy drink salespeople, Rudd finally snaps one day and does a bit of GTA in the ‘burbs (with Scott in the passenger seat).  The court, perhaps absolutely delusional and under the influence of crystal meth, orders them to watch over a kid for a month as community service.  Nevermind the inevitable lawsuit from parents, upset that their negligence is being upstaged by felon babysitters – these boys did the crime, and now they’re gonna do the time.  Of their LIFE!

It’s here the movie kind of splits in half, with Scott taking a foul-mouthed punk kid under his wing as Rudd watches over a renaissance faire geek.  The first story is pretty offensive and annoying, as Stifler tries to pass down the collective wisdom of every frat boy into a child who’s far more in need of a firm hand than a walking, talking Playboy encyclopedia.  I guess he learns something in the end or whatever, but most of the time these two were interacting, I kept wincing that someone thought it’d be a terrific idea to shove the M-F word into a 10-year-old’s mouth as entertainment.  I guess we’ve just proved that this movie isn’t an ideal role model either.

Oddly enough, Rudd’s story has far more substance and is incredibly likable – taken by itself, it would most likely bring the film’s rating down to a PG or PG-13, and be enough for a raving endorsement by yours truly.  Rudd’s charge is a complete LARP freak (that’s Live Action Role-Playing, to you non-geeks out there), whose idea of a great time is to dress up in medieval garb, grab a foam sword, and stage elaborate battles in the middle of a park with a horde of fellow geeks.  While at first he’s simply appalled at being thrust into the middle of a D&D nightmare, Rudd starts to see a kid who can only find happiness through this outlet, and he grudgingly joins in.  The end result is… well, I won’t spoil it for you, but for all the uneven laughs that the first 2/3rds of the film provides, the final act is solid gold (or platinum).  It becomes a celebration of a particular geek subset that doesn’t get much else than mockery in other mainstream films, and I have to admire Role Models for taking the path less traveled.

Quite a few friends have gushed about this movie, best of 2008 comedies and whatnot, but I am not quite convinced.  I do think it’s worth another viewing or two – I just wish the Apatow clique would realize that good comedy can exist without extreme gratuitous vulgarity and nudity.  Too much to hope perhaps.

Well. How can you NOT want to see this now?

Intermission!

• A lot of the dialogue was ad-libbed.

Groovy Quotes

Danny: Can I get a large black coffee?
Barista: A what?
Danny: Large black coffee.
Barista: Do you mean a venti?
Danny: No, I mean a large.
Barista: Venti is large.
Danny: No, venti is twenty. Large is large. In fact, tall is large and grande is Spanish for large. Venti is the only one that doesn’t mean large. It’s also the only one that’s Italian. Congratulations, you’re stupid in three languages.

Wheeler: You sexy like a chocolate strawberry.

Gayle Sweeny: You know what I used to have for breakfast? Cocaine. Know what I had for lunch? Cocaine.
Wheeler: What did you have for dinner?
Danny: Was it cocaine?

Danny: Let me tell you something, I am not your big, but I’ll hit you. I will hit a child. I’ve never done that before, but I will punch you in the face.

Augie Farks: Would you like to come in and see my turtle?
Danny: I’m fine.
Ronnie: Of course he has turtle.

Danny: No, I like to rock n’ roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands… I can only rock from like 1-3.

Wheeler: This may be a stupid question. The Get Out of Jail Free Card: Is that real?
Beth: That’s not a stupid question.
Danny: It’s real in the game of Monopoly.
Wheeler: But Monopoly is based on true events.

Danny: Dude, I just spent the afternoon in Middle-earth with glee-glop and the floopty-doos, all right?

Gayle Sweeny: I know why you are here, so don’t BS a BSer, Ok? Your “Presence” here, court ordered.
Danny: Why did you put presence in quotes? Are you implying that we aren’t here?

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• American Wedding
• Knocked Up

“Did I know that I just met the most dangerous dark wizard of all time? No.”

The Scoop: 2009 PG, Directed by David Yates and starring Daniel Raddcliffe, Rupert Grint and Emma Watson

Tagline: Once again I must ask too much of you, Harry.

Summary Capsule: Young wizard learns about evil guy’s past while his friends get all caught up in teen hormones. And somebody dies. Based on some book you might have heard of.

Justin’s Rating: Love in a time of witchcraft and wizardry

Justin’s Review: I’m currently operating under the theory that there are a couple different versions of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. There’s the Good Version, floating out there somewhere, that takes the best qualities of the book and binds them into a terrific film.  And then there’s the version we got, the Daytime Emmy Version, crafted for soap opera fanatics who wanted a tale heavy on the sap and light on the spells.  Seriously, a little romance is well and good for the soul, but HP6 goes overboard with what can only be described as a sitcom-style bumbling of lips, meaningful glances and thinly-guised pining (for the fjords).  This comes, of course, at the cost of removing the weight of what the story wants to be, because you can’t have all of the characters bemoaning how terrible the world is now that the Dark Lord is on the move while at the same time batting eyes at each other and making kissy faces.

Ugh.

My wife, who in the space of a week after seeing the fifth movie, devoured all seven Potter novels (in a week, mind you), joined the ranks of the “That was NOTHING like the book” club that roams the internet countryside.  And I can’t blame her.  While The Half-Blood Prince wasn’t close to my favorite of the series, the movie version squanders what it did have going for it – a growing sense of dread, characters who make decisions that literally shape their lives, and a finale that rends the world of Hogwarts asunder.  Instead: kissy faces!  Oh!  And love potions!  Note passing!  There’s also an entire scene devoted to dessert eating.

More than anything, HP6 is filler and setup, setting the stage for the seventh book without contributing much of a tale of its own.  The mandatory Big Clues are lobbed at us, but the smaller elements go amiss.

Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived To Be A Pain In The Butt For All Who Call Him “Friend”, returns to Hogwarts for another year of laughs and giggles.  There’s a new professor – Slughorn – who Dumbledore brings on staff so that Harry can play a clumsy con game with, but for the most part the year is spent lurching from scene to scene without a greater sense of purpose.  Harry finds an old potions textbook that allows him to excel in the course; Ron gains the attention of a hormonally overcharged harpy; and Hermione exists so that teenagers can realize what a hottie Emma Watson is becoming (oh, sorry, did I call you out on that?).

It’s not a horrible movie by any means, and not even at the bottom of the Harry Potter filmography, but there is definitely something missing from director David Yates’ latest outing.  Many somethings, actually.  For a movie that’s about magic, there’s precious little of it except for a few big scenes – heck, most of the pictures in the background don’t even move any more.  Add to that scene transitions that are, frankly, clunky, and secondary characters that I assume appeared only so that they could be thrown into a two-second spot in the trailer for all they did or said.  There’s very little soul, too little emotion, and a Grand Canyon-sized gap where fun used to be.

The most egregious offense, in my eyes, is tied between two issues.  The first is that this is the first Harry Potter movie where it no longer feels as though they’re in a magical world, just the normal world with magic thrown in as a side garnish.  The second has to do with the bigger plot elements that includes gobs of spoilers, so skip the next couple paragraphs if that sort of thing is antithema to you.

The main threat to Hogwarts comes as evil Lord Voldemort has recruited teen Draco Malfoy to assassinate the headmaster.  Yet, from start to finish, this is all bungled.  In the film, Voldemort never actually shows up, but is relegated to a background “boogeyman” status.  It’s never quite specified why Draco is doing this – it’s hinted at that it has something to do with restoring his family’s honor with the Big V, but I’ll bet you most non-book readers in the audience have no idea why that is necessary (even if they saw the previous film).  Draco’s supposed to be under terrible stress and strain because of this task, but he’s never humanized in doing so – the movie keeps showing him stalking around the school and looking all frowny-like, but since he’s given barely any dialogue until the end, there’s no connection made between him and the audience.

Finally, when the big act happens, nothing really clicks.  Harry stands by without doing a single thing (in the book he was magically bound and inable to help; here he just kind of uselessly observes), there’s barely any tension on Snape’s behalf as he intervenes (which is supposed to be a shocking betrayal, but the movie lobs hint after hint that he’s still a good guy), the final showdown between Harry and Snape is nothing more than a brief chase in which Harry gets smacked down a couple times, and then it… ends.  Oh, and we learn that wizards grieve over one of their most beloved leaders dying much the same way that concert goers honor Metallica – by raising a light to the sky and shouting “ENCORE!”  A climactic battle in the school and a touching funeral that took place in the book were inexplicably cut from the film, because – and this is the reason I’ve seen from the filmmakers – that they didn’t want to steal the thunder from the last film.  So they just go ahead and neuter this one, bravo.  It’s all just so blah.

Hogwarts is no longer a school that teaches anything; it’s just a setting for snooping and snogging and Snape-ing.

Want a second opinion?  Check out Courtney’s review here!

Wizards and their hot dog-themed shirts

Didja Notice?

• The awful, awful scene transitions where a scene peters out without doing or saying much of anything and then just ending so that we could move on?
• Dumbledore uses the line “I bet you’re wondering why I brought you here” twice…
• [Spoiler] Harry tries to use a spell on Snape, Snape reveals that it was his own spell from his potions book… but why would a said-out-loud spell be in a potions book?
• I liked Fred and George’s new store, but it’s a pity nothing really happens in that scene.
• All of the people clearly get off the bridge before it collapses, but then the newspaper reports fatalities?
• Are the Death Eaters the smoke monster from Lost?

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Prisoner of Azkaban
• Order of the Phoenix

“You probably think this world is a dream come true… but you’re wrong.”

The Scoop: 2009 PG, directed by Henry Selick and starring Dakota Fanning, Teri Hatcher and Keith David

Tagline: Be careful what you wish for.

Summary Capsule: Little girl explores her house to find… another house, her house, but not quite.

Justin’s Rating: I just naturally operate under the assumption that behind every door is Narnia.

Justin’s Review: “It’s not CAROline, it’s CORAline,” the star of our motion picture constantly corrects.  We’re not quite sure why her parents up and reversed the vowels to make an odd-sounding name, but that’s the least of her worries in this wonderful fantasy flick from the mind of Neil Gaiman.

Coraline is a young adult/children’s book that Gaiman wrote back in 2002 that explored the fantasy staple of going through a portal to another world (see: Lion, Witch and Wardrobe, et al).  The twist, in both the book and the film, was that the new world in question was just like our current world – a parallel world, if you may – except everything seemed better.

Seemed.

Young Coraline (voiced by Dakota Fanning) is despondant over a family move to the rainy Pacific northwest – I don’t know why she’s down, at least now she can fall in love with a sparkly vampire and have lots of non-sexual snugglies – and takes to exploring her new home as both her parents are too preoccupied with a major writing project to keep her company.  The more she looks, the more reality seems to unravel; perhaps it’s the socially dysfunctional Wybie, the incredibly tall Russian mouse trainer, the eerie black cat that follows her everywhere, or the two retired actresses in the basement.  Or perhaps, even, it’s a small door in a non-descript room that appears to be bricked in, except at night.

Through the door she goes, and into a house exactly like hers – except, as mentioned before, everything’s much better, her parents pay attention to her, the annoying kid is mute, and wonders are just around the corner.  Oh, and everyone has buttons for eyes.

Say what?  It’s here where Neil Gaiman injects his particular blend of dark fantasy, where you’re not quite sure if you should be feeling dread or excitement.  Yes, things are off in the “other” world, but who wouldn’t want to explore this place if given half the chance?

Fans of the stop-motion claymation films The Nightmare Before Christmas and James and the Giant Peach will be tickled pink that director Henry Selick returns to helm Coraline and give it its distinctive Hot Topic look.  (Man, we pick on that store a lot around here, don’t we?)  When compared to hand-drawn animation or CGI, claymation has a certain raw solidity to it that is hard to duplicate otherwise.  Applied to a fantasy setting, it gives the settings and characters the right sort of tone that you’d expect if you were sitting down with a large illustrated storybook.  Your eyes won’t be disappointed in the least, here.  Unless they’re buttoned up.

Your mind might be, however.  Although, taken as a whole, Coraline is a great flick, it’s also a trifle long (odd, for such a painstaking process like claymation) and full of silences and pauses where the story doesn’t halt so much as take a catnap.  One way of looking at it would be to applaud a filmmaker who’s not afraid to let silence have a place in the story, but another way would be to say “hurry UP!”  The plot had to be lengthened from the book, so there’s a lot more dithering back and forth between the worlds, and the main crisis doesn’t take form until well into the third act.

Still, the kids in my theater (and there were legions of them) were utterly silent, entranced by this movie, even through its darker parts, and that speaks to great lengths of how well the ultimate effect of the movie works.  By the end, you really have come to like the unique, odd personalities, including Coraline, and I wasn’t disappointed, even though I couldn’t see the 3D effects with my gimpy left eye.

So kids, if you find a peculiar door in your explorations that goes who-knows-where, don’t be afraid to crawl right on through!  Just be aware that you might lose cell phone reception and your sanity.

Yum!

Didja Notice?

• In the trailer, when they show Coraline’s other father he is wearing Monkeybone slippers. Monkeybone was another film directed by Henry Selick.
• References to Michigan and Detroit
• In the Other World the Other Mother is making Coraline an omelette. She cracks and egg and when it drops in to the bowl you can see that the egg yolk is the face of Jack Skellington from Nightmare Before Christmas

Intermission

• At one hour and forty minutes long, this is the longest stop-motion film to date and was the first stop-motion animated feature to be shot entirely in 3-D.

Groovy Quotes

Cat: You probably think this world is a dream come true… but you’re wrong.

Sweet Ghost Girl: Be clever, Miss. She’ll never let you leave, even if you win the game.

Coraline Jones: How can you walk away from something and then come towards it?
Cat: Walk around the world.
Coraline Jones: Small world.

Coraline Jones: I think I heard someone calling you… Wyborn.
Wybie Lovat: What? I didn’t hear anything.
Coraline Jones: Oh, I definitely heard someone… Why-were-you-born.

Mr. Bobinsky: I am the Amazing Bobinsky! But you- call me Mr. B. Because, amazing, I already know that I am.

Other Father: So sharp, you won’t feel a thing…

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• The Nightmare Before Christmas
• Lion, Witch and Wardrobe

“Did I know that I just met the most dangerous dark wizard of all time? No.”

The Scoop: 2009 PG, Directed by David Yates and starring Daniel Raddcliffe, Rupert Grint and Emma Watson

Tagline: Once again I must ask too much of you, Harry.

Summary Capsule: Young wizard learns about evil guy’s past while his friends get all caught up in teen hormones. And somebody dies. Based on some book you might have heard of.

Courtney’s Rating: I do love the Harry Potter fandom and most of its members, but they can really aggravate me sometimes…

Courtney’s Review: (A preemptive apology for the length and scatter-brained-ness of this review. There’s so much I wanted to touch on a not nearly enough room for it!)

When HBP was first pushed back from November 2008 to July 2009, I was livid. I’d never been angrier at something so trivial in my life (several months later, this honor was awarded to VH1’s pop culture showdown the Great Debate for “officially deciding” that puppies are cuter than kittens. Hello? Puppies pee all over the place, and there is nothing cute about that. Kittens come potty-trained. And evil is inherently adorable.) So after an extra 8 months, the one thing everyone wanted to know was, was it worth the wait?

Let’s get right to it. I don’t care what you think about the movie vs. the book. Of course the book is better, but the two mediums are so different that they shouldn’t be compared. (Contrary to popular belief, there are some movies that are better than their books, but that’s a rant for a different day.) The movie, based on its own merits, is freakin’ awesome. It rivals Prisoner of Azkaban for being the most well-made film of the franchise (the two least well-made being Sorcerer’s Stone and Chamber of Secrets, which, perhaps coincidentally, are the “closest to the books.”) I know there’s a lot of good things to be said for movies that stay true to their source material, but let’s be honest – people do not watch movies the same way they read books. Changes should be more than welcome as long as the message and tone remaion the same. Here, I’m more than certain that HBP got it all right.

One thing that some Potterheads keep complaining about is that there’s too much focus on the romance aspect. I wonder if these people even read the book, as romance was kind of a big thing there, too. The whirlwind relationship between Ron and Lavender Brown is pretty important to the development of Ron and Hermione’s characters. And the Harry/Ginny kiss scene was very different from the scene in the book, but I thought it was sweet. I do wish more focus went to their relationship, but since so much of its development is internal, I guess it was bound to piss off die-hards no matter what the filmmakers did.

I know I’m one of few, but I liked the added scene at the Burrow. It was a cool way to show that there was a lot of danger outside of Hogawarts, and it showed us a little more of some favorite characters without forcing them in. And I fully support the decision to leave out the battle – save it for the big one in Deathly Hallows! But I was disappointed that they left out the funeral scene (you know what I’m talking about) because it seemed so beautiful in the book. I thought it would really look gorgeous and be mood-appropriate.

The acting in this film was by far the best it’s ever been for HP. Daniel Raddcliffe (D-Radd, if you will) is really becoming a strong actor, and Emma Watson didn’t completely annoy me this time, a huge compliment to her. In fact, I daresay she did a more than adequate job here. I loved seeing so much more of Bonnie Wright as Ginny. I think she’s fun and cute and it’s great to see that she actually gets to do more than stand there and recite a couple throwaway lines. I’ve always thought that Rupert Grint was the most talented of the kids, especially after seeing him in Driving Lessons. But as Steve Kloves returned to write the screenplay (he wrote all of the scripts for the series except Order of the Phoenix) Ron’s role was yet again relegated to comic relief and no more. Rupert does a great job with the comedy, but it’s unfortunate that he doesn’t get to show off his serious-drama chops.

The adult actors are all incredible, as they usually are. I’m seriously in love with Alan Rickman’s Snape and props to Potter newcomer Jim Broadbent as Horace Slughorn (and props to the special effects people who turned him into that armchair – how cool was that?) Michael Gambon’s performance has always been a topic of debate. However, I always feel that he gets the job done, and he manages to capture a certain youthful spring in his step that I think is so important to Dumbledore’s character. (SPOILER!) I cried quite a bit when he was drinking the protective potion in the cave. It’s very tragic if you know what he’s seeing in his mind, and I thought he was excellent in that whole scene. (END SPOILER.)

The standout performance was Tom Felton as Draco Malfoy. Up until now, Malfoy’s always just been this annoying, mean,  Billy Zapka-esque jerk, but here we learn that his outward cockiness is just a facade. He’s really just an insecure teenager and a coward, but he doesn’t want to let his family down. Felton did a truly wonderful job at portraying the conflict within Malfoy, and, more impressively, he did it with as few words as possible.

I’m probably one of about 12 people in the world who will see a movie based on the cinematographer (I sure know Christian Bale doesn’t think much of the profession.) Bruno Delbonnel is absolutely my favorite director of photography, and when I watched the first trailer for HBP, I recognized his work. Every scene in this movie looked like a painting, but the colors and movement were so rich and alive that they also felt very real. If I had it my way, Delbonnel would definitely win an Oscar for cinematography this year. He is an artist.

In my opinion, the strongest (and most surprising) aspect of HBP was the comedy. I knew it was going to be funny, but I didn’t expect to be laughing quite as much as I was, and as genuinely. Jessie Cave’s Lavender and Freddie Stroma’s Cormac McLaggen had a lot to do with that, as well as Daniel Raddcliffe (D-Radd – I really want this nickname to catch on) and Rupert Grint.

But most importantly of all, I loved that this movie pumped me up for Deathly Hallows. I think that with this creative team and a studio expecting to rake in millions on opening weekend, we can expect two really fantastic movies, both for fans of the Harry Potter books and for film-lovers.

In summation, I guess I’ll answer the question posed at the beginning of this review: Was it worth the wait? Heck yes.

"And if these movies don't work out, I'm auditioning for a role as a Hammer Bros. in Super Mario!"

Didja Notice?

• Lots of mirrors! There’s a nice visual motif involving mirrors and mirror images.
• There’s also a lot of nice foreshadowing. For example, Malfoy mentions something about jumping off of the Astronomy Tower early in the film, and you know what happens later.
• How much do you want to go to the Weasley Wizard Wheezes shop? It’s like Wonka’s factory, but without all the Oompa Loompas trying to kill you.
• Arnold the pink Pygmy Puff looks like he’d eat your face off while you were sleeping…
• How high you jumped when the Inferi started attacking?
• So at the end of the movie, Harry and Hermione have this really nice conversation, and Ron just sits there the whole time? He says nothing and Hermione gets to speak for him? Kloves, you are truly shameless.
• How did this get a PG rating? I’m still trying to figure that out.

This is an actual photo from Wizstock '69.

Intermission!

Jessie Cave beat over 7000 girls to win the role of Lavender Brown, Ron’s “love-interest” from the book.

Helen McCrory had been cast to play Bellatrix Lestrange in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, but had to back out because she was pregnant. She plays Bellatrix’s sister, Narcissa Malfoy in this film.

Groovy Quotes

Harry: Did you know, sir? Then?
Dumbledore: Did I know that I just met the most dangerous dark wizard of all time? No.

Tom Riddle age 11: I can make things move without touching them. I can make bad things happen to people who are mean to me. I can speak to snakes too. They find me… whisper things.

Ron: I’m in love with her!
Harry: Alright, fine, you’re in love with her! Have you ever actually met her?
Ron: No… Can you introduce me?

Professor McGonagall: Why is it that, whenever anything happens, it’s always you three?
Ron: I’ve been wondering that for six years, Professor.

Ron: How much are these?
Fred and George: 5 galleons.
Ron: How much for me?
Fred and George: 5 galleons.
Ron: I’m your brother!
Fred and George: 10 galleons.

Dumbledore: Horace, could I have this?
Slughorn: What? Oh, of course.
Dumbledore: Thank you, I do love kitting patterns.

Harry: Fight back you coward!

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Prisoner of Azkaban
• Order of the Phoenix
• Just read the books!

“I hate you for making me want you so much.”

The Scoop: PG-13 2008, directed by Catherine Hardwicke and starring Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, and Billy Burke

Tagline: When you can live forever what do you live for?

Summary Capsule: The new girl’s first day at her high school introduces her to all the usual teenage angst, including the boy/man destined to be her immortal vampire boyfriend

Kyle’s Rating: I could fall asleep at night as a rock’n’roll star

Kyle’s Review: Setting the merits or lack thereof in the Twilight book series and blockbuster film adaptation, one really must blame the Harry Potter phenomenon for breaking down the walls between ‘adult entertainment’ and ‘stuff for kids’ and making it perfectly acceptable and commercially encouraged for ‘old people’ to read books about teenage wizards, vampires, and so on. Growing up a voracious reader of comic books, I personally found it difficult in the years before the whole Harry Potter thing to convince people that comics were worth reading as literature. Nowadays, anything goes. Whether that indicates a wider appreciation of the arts or further evidence of increasing levels of idiocy amongst the populace depends upon your own personal perspective on our progress as a society.

I find if one isn’t obviously included in the primary intended audience for something like Twilight, subsequently the possibility for enjoyment depends upon a quirk of taste and one’s current in life. If you’re a teenage girl, Twilight was designed to strike your fancy with razor-sharp precision. If you’re anyone else, you’ll need a little/lotta open-mindedness, a penchant for teenage vampire romance, or some mysterious other variable that renders you ready and willing to say “Hey, this isn’t so bad.”

I am in no way ready and willing to say that Twilight isn’t so bad. Circumstances when Twilight hit the DVD scene were perfectly attuned for enjoying it ‘Mystery Science Theater 3000’-style: I was early in my third and most promising serious relationship of 2009, we and a group of like-minded cynical and witty friends had made plans to drink and mock Twilight, and it had at least the power of Kristen Stewart to render it ‘worth seeing once.’ My girlfriend and I watched it ahead of time, just to see what all the fuss was about, then we watched it again during our little viewing party.

While I found Twilight to be perfectly adequate and not as offensive as I expected, I will admit that I recall very little of the film itself. There was a lot of teenage-y angsty conversation, plenty of ‘man kids are stupid nowadays’ moments of mockery to fuel our MST3K party, and jaw-droppingly bad special effects that made already-dicey vampire elements rival the lame-ness of the mechanical shark effects in the Jaws sequels. But overall, I was left much more entertained than I expected. I think the film, and admitted-ridiculous ‘heartthrob’ Robert Pattinson, finally won me over when Edward and Bella pull into the school parking lot for their first appearance as a couple. The whole ‘the entire school is looking at US!’ scene, done literally a MILLION times before, worked perfectly, and Pattinson’s goofy yet sincere attempt to calm down a mortified Bella by trying to find the one person NOT looking at them drew an amused smile out of me. From then on, I was no longer rooting against the film for its perceived pop culture sins, and saw it for the meaningless and cheesy fun it had to offer.

I guess I feel about the Twilight film like I do about the Harry Potter film series. I have tried and failed to sit through the first two HP films; they seem really overdone and too focused on the OMG! elements of magic as a child would view them (at least as Hollywood, and specifically Chris Columbus, views children. Modern children would more likely view magic, post-video gaming, a lot differently than old-fashioned thinking would suggest. But I digress.) to be worth my time. But then, based on some enthusiastic reviews, I checked out the third HP film and haven’t looked back. Though no film since has rivaled Prisoner of Azkaban in quality or assured storytelling, they have been satisfying enough to leave me looking forward to the next installment.

What saved the Harry Potter series, it seems, was bringing in different and increasingly talented directors. Not to knock anyone in particular, but the universe and acting dynamics of the Twilight film series seem ripe for a great or even good director to come in and tell a legitimately interesting story. I don’t know that that will happen, and having learned a bit more about how the story progresses in the Twilight books has me slightly skeptical on that front. Regardless, I remain convinced that deft direction and a little bit of luck could converge and help create a Twilight sequel where Pattinson’s dorky charm and Kristen Stewart’s unsurpassed ability to sketch twitchy, vaguely emo female heroines meld perfectly with the setting and secondary cast to catch some so-called “movie magic.” I don’t know for certain it’ll happen. But I’ve seen enough promise to have hope.

I’ll never read the books, though. Lame!

Want a second opinion?  Check out Sue and Justin’s review here!

Vampires: awesome at staring contests TOO!

GROOVY QUOTES!

Isabella Swan: How old are you?
Edward Cullen: Seventeen.
Isabella Swan: How long have you been seventeen?
Edward Cullen: A while.

Isabella Swan: Are you going to tell me how you stopped the van?
Edward Cullen: Yeah. Um… I had an adrenaline rush. It’s very common. You can Google it.

Jessica Stanley: Hey you’re from Arizona right?
Isabella Swan: Yeah.
Jessica Stanley: Aren’t people from Arizona supposed to be like, real tan?
Isabella Swan: Yeah, maybe, that’s why they kicked me out.

Edward Cullen: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.
Isabella Swan: What a stupid lamb.
Edward Cullen: What a sick, masochistic lion.

Edward Cullen: I only said it would be better if we weren’t friends, not that I didn’t want to be.
Isabella Swan: What does that mean?
Edward Cullen: It means if you’re smart… you’ll stay away from me.
Isabella Swan: Okay, let’s say for argument’s sake that I’m not smart.

IF YOU LIKED THIS MOVIE, TRY THESE:

• The Lost Boys
• Adventureland
• Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Let’s start with the necessary introduction for any of you sane/lucky enough to steer clear from the Twilight trend: it’s a crappy romance between a high school girl and a century-old vampire I’m calling Cedward for obvious reasons. I got dragged into it by a couple friends who insisted I give it a chance. And I gave it a very generous chance. Because I read the whole dang series, which is pure crap. The first book is crap, each book after that is crap, and the movie is crap. I mean, it’s not just that Stephanie Meyer is a terrible writer and the story sucks; I was actually deeply offended by it’s message. But it’s got some great comedy material, so I think this is going to actually be fun!

01:32 – Words can’t describe how much I hate Bella. Who calls their mom “erratic” and “harebrained?” People don’t talk like that.

02:34 – Forks is a terrific name for a town.

08:45 – And now we meet the Cullens. Cue dramatic music.

09:08 – Why does everybody think Cedward’s so great when Emmett’s right there next to him? Kellan Lutz is such a dreamboat! I think I’m in love.

If this guy was stalking me in my sleep, I might not be that mad...

09:49 – Here comes Cedward. Excuse me while I swoon.

10:34 – Nice effect with that fan blowing her hair. That doesn’t look over the top at all.

11:08 – He looks so pained sitting next to her. That’s how you know it’s love at first sight!

14:00 – The voiceover in this movie is completely pointless. Play music instead.

15:40 – Oh, Bella’s clumsy and not at all glamorous! I so relate to her now!

16:50 – “Let a playa play!”

17:35 – “Ladies first.” What a gentleman. I bet he thinks women should get the vote, too! Swoon.

20:29 – Ew. Don’t be a Creepy McCreepster. Stop asking her probing questions.

23:31 – Bella’s being really reasonable by getting mad at Charlie. If I was almost crushed by a VW van and miraculously saved by a vampire with super human agility and my dad told my mom about it, I’d be angry too.

25:10 – Cedward’s a stalker. Swoon.

32:32 – Yeah, Angela! You’re a strong, independent woman! Unlike Bella, who would literally rather stop living than be separated from her first high school crush.

33:43 – Jacob’s adorable. If Taylor Lautner was like 5 years older, I might be in love with him.

34:19 – Just looked him up on IMDb. He’s 4 years younger than me, and at an age where it makes a difference. I’m a creeper.

35:07 – You know these are the villains because they don’t look like they stepped off the pages of an LL Bean catalogue like the well-kempt Cullens. And the girl’s a redhead, which equals evil. Just take a look at me.

37:41 – The girls are dress shopping and Bella isn’t into it. Which is weird, because what girl doesn’t absolutely love shopping, you know? She’s so different!

40:36 – And now they’re mocking seatbelt safety. Good role models.

46:44 – Mace will stop all kinds of wild animals and bloodsucking demons. Good thinking, Charlie!

49:33 – Good to know that Forks High School celebrates diversity.

50:28 – “How long have you been 17?” “A while.” Winning dialogue!

52:16 – Oh, sparkles! Swoon.

53:13 – Nothing about Cedward draws me in. Guess nature kind of flubbed up the design there.

They're young, beautiful, and brooding. And people wonder why I loathe them.

54:36 – Bella’s thought process as Cedward reveals that he vants to suck her blooood: You wanted to kill me? That’s so sweet! And I’m heroin to you? OMG, romance!

55:55 – “And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.” Who says that?

1:00:24 – Vegetarians don’t kill animals, stupid!

1:04:33 – Kellan actually has some lines in this scene! Hooray!

1:05:11 – Rosalie’s shoes are ridonkulous. I must own them.

1:06:16 – Not to be mean, but the girl who plays Alice is a dreadful actor.

1:07:41 – No, Bella. Cedward does not have a bed. You know why? Because he’s a freakin’ vampire!

1:09:30 – “You better hold on, Spider-Monkey!” …what?

1:10:58 – Of course. He plays piano. Swoon.

1:15:53 – I have to admit – that is a marvelous kiss.

1:17:55 – Cocking the shotgun. Way to go, Charlie.

1:20:01 – The baseball game is the only good part in the movie. But it’s kind of beyond awesome. The effects don‘t look to bad, the costumes look great, and the song rocks. I legitimately enjoy this scene.

1:23:58 – “You brought a snack.” Yup! Kettle-corn for everyone!

1:25:45 – So all of a sudden she’s Model Daughter? I detest this girl.

1:33:12 – What good is the gift of prophesy if the future’s always changing? Doesn’t that render it pointless?

1:36:51 – Don’t make a video, James. Just kill her. Please.

1:37:34 – Because I’m a Potterhead, I have to ask: Battle Royale between the Cullens and Dumbledore’s Army – who wins? My money’s on the DA, provided that they‘ve mastered Occlumency. After that, it’s just a “sectumsempra” here, an “incendio” there. Done deal.

1:39:51 – “Remember who you are!” I like how Carlisle stops Cedward from killing James, but he has no problem with his other sons tearing him to shreds and burning the pieces. Somebody’s playing favorites!

1:41:48 – Kill her, Cedward! KILL HER!

1:42:31 – Shut up, Voiceover!

1:45:19 – Bella has to choose between sunny Jacksonville (which is sure to be filled with hot college guys and baseball players) or boring Forks, where all she has is a bloodthirsty boyfriend with no personality to speak of. And she chooses Forks. This girl’s a smart one.

My prom shoes. The white-balance is thrown off by my vampishly pale skin.

1:47:37 – Fun Courtney Fact: Like Bella, I wore Chuck Taylors to my prom, but I spray-painted mine gold to match my dress.

1:53:52 – Victoria’s so badass right here. I hope they change the end of the series to her killing all of them. It would be a vast improvement over the real ending.

1:54:19 – I really do not like Twilight. I don’t get how it’s popular. The movie is at least kind of fun and really funny, but the books are just terrible. Why do they exist? They are a plague upon literature!

1:54:47 – I do like this soundtrack, though. My sister just downloaded it for me and I’m pretty happy about it.

Okay, it’s over. And I have to say, I had a really good time watching it! I may have to do this again someday. But for now, I think I’m gonna go rent season 1 of True Blood. I hear that’s pretty good. Anywho, thanks for joining me! Hope everybody enjoyed the movie as much as I did, whether it was in “the right way” or not!

The Scoop: 1964, directed by Ishiro Honda and starring Haruo Nakajima, Katsumi Tezuka and Shoichi Hirose

Tagline: The Three-Headed Monster battles Godzilla, Mothra and Rodan for the world!

Summary Capsule: Giant monsters fight, then unite against a common foe as the series takes its first steps toward humanizing its star.

Drew’s Rating: If you think “Hey baby, how’d you like to meet my three-headed monster?” is a good way to pick up women, then you are wrong. Dead wrong.

Drew’s Review: I was a stupid kid, apparently. I didn’t think so at the time; if anything I remember being a bit overly confident in my intelligence, a trend that continues to this day. But that’s the only explanation I can think of for the fact that I devoured Godzilla movies one after another in my youth, whereas now I can’t sit through a single one without falling asleep or needing to be doing something else at the same time. I still like the Transformers, so what gives? My slow slide into antiquity notwithstanding, Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster has a reputation as one of the most famous and enjoyable of the Godzilla oeuvre, so let’s see if I can muster up the energy to get through a full review.

The plot is typical 1960s Japanese craziness: a meteor crashes to Earth just as a foreign princess is seemingly assassinated en route to Japan. Before long a woman matching her description appears wandering the streets, claiming to be a Martian and warning of the Earth’s imminent destruction. Meanwhile, Rodan escapes his volcanic prison and Godzilla rises again from the sea, and immediately begin battling each other because why the hell not? As a police officer and his sister try to guard the princess/Martian from further assassination attempts, the meteor opens to release space dragon Ghidorah (AKA Ghidrah, AKA King Ghidorah, AKA Bitch, Where’s My Money?), who immediately sets upon Japan and starts wrecking stuff up. With three marauding monsters at large, the land of the rising sun is well and truly boned until the humans recruit Mothra to, um, talk to Godzilla and Rodan and convince them to xenophobically unite against this alien monster who’s destroying the buildings they’re supposed to destroy. Look, just roll with it, okay?

Depending on what you’re expecting, you may be in for a bit of a surprise here. In many ways GtTHM pounds the final nail into the coffin of the early, more serious Godzilla movies and officially kicks off the bizarre highjinx that will comprise the big G’s next decade. No more will the camera give us low shots of colossal titans from the human viewpoint… from here on out it’s all MEL (Monster Eye Level). Any social commentary is gone, replaced by a broad slapstick element at play for the first time, including Godzilla getting dropped testicles-first onto an electricity tower (ouch) and grabbing his rear after it’s singed by Ghidorah’s gravity beams. Then there’s the volleyball match Godzilla and Rodan have with boulders, capped off by three giant monsters having a screeching conversation with each other, which incidentally sounds exactly like my six-month-old when she talks to herself. While not bad necessarily, this is a far cry from the mindless engine of destruction from the original film, so if you like your Godzilla dark, titanic and terrible, you should have stopped with Mothra vs. Godzilla. Whereas if you have an ironic appreciation for giant lizards busting a move and roughhousing like 300-foot toddlers, this is where the series truly begins for you.

To be fair, it’s not all giant kaiju battling, and the human plotline is more engaging than some later entries. The actors seem to do a good job, though my appreciation is obviously limited a bit by the fact that all of their dialogue is dubbed. There’s an espionage angle at play in Shindo’s efforts to safeguard the princess from her would-be killers, leading to a couple of slightly tense standoffs. It’s a little hard to care about people who might be trampled or accidentally eaten any second, but give them points for trying. Shindo definitely should’ve gotten that kiss at the end, though.

Final verdict? Not bad, though not as great as I remembered. (Ain’t that always the way?) I still have some of that cheesy appreciation in me, and I hope I never lose it; but I’m finding that these days, a little ‘zilla goes a long way. While I have no doubt Kyle will eventually review every James Bond movie, don’t look for Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster to be popping up on MRFH anytime soon. Unless Gigan’s in it, because dude, that guy is harsh.

Three enemies, three heads... what's the problem?

Didja Notice?

• Previously depicted as a mindless force of nature, this is the first film in which Godzilla displays human characteristics like talking, laughing, and knowing kung fu.
• The planet the priestess is from, the one Ghidorah had previously razed, is Venus in the original Japanese film but changed to Mars in the English translation.
• Godzilla’s radioactive breath attack, formerly fire and later an atomic ray, here appears to be just, uh, steam. Lame.
• The previous film in the series, Mothra vs. Godzilla, ended with two surviving Mothra larvae. In this movie, the fairy princesses mention that one of the larvae died, leaving the remaining one as the sole living Mothra.
• The only thing stupider than Godzilla and Rodan laughing at each other while covered in silk is the victory dance Godzilla does in the sequel, Invasion of Astro-Monster.
• How Mothra’s entire strategy was “grab onto his tail and hang on”? Brilliant tactics, larvae.

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

It doesn’t say “And Godzoooooky!” if that’s what you’re wondering.

Intermission!

GtTHM is the first movie in which Godzilla takes on a defender role. All previous films had depicted him as an enemy of mankind, wreaking destruction for no discernable reason. When Toho executives learned that many children had become fans of Godzilla, they decided to make him more heroic and give him human characteristics. All subsequent movies until the 1984 reboot would feature Godzilla either protecting the earth or, at worst, as the lesser of two evils.

Largely in response to this, Ghidorah would take on the villain role that had previously been Godzilla’s in several later films in the series. He remains one of Toho’s most popular monsters and consistently ranks as Godzilla’s #1 opponent among fans of the franchise. Interestingly, this is the only movie in the original series where Ghidorah acts of his own accord rather than being controlled by aliens.

Groovy Quotes

Naoko: Oh, it looks like they’re having a conversation. Oh Shindo, what do you think they’re saying to each other?
Shindo: Huh, how would I know? You expect me to understand monster talk?

Shobijin: Oh Godzilla, such terrible language!

Shindo: Ahhh, these monsters are as stupid as human beings!

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Godzilla, King of the Monsters
• Invasion of Astro-Monster
• Godzilla: Final Wars

The Scoop: 1990 R, directed by Clive Barker and starring Craig Sheffer, David Cronenberg and Anne Bobby

Tagline: Lori thought she knew everything about her boyfriend… Lori was wrong!

Summary Capsule: Guy goes on a quest, of sorts, to join the underworld monster kingdom. This doesn’t go over so well with the locals.

Justin’s Rating: Where the wild things are, indeed

Justin’s Review: To be honest, I’m not the biggest Clive Barker fan in the world. I’ve read some of his books, seen a few of his movies (including the first three Hellraisers), and generally came away with an icky feeling that necessitated an hour-long shower to cleanse. I don’t know if it’s his twisted sexual overtones, the extreme gore or the fact that I’m just more of a Stephen King guy at heart, but he just doesn’t do it for me.

With that said, I have more praise than condemnation for Nightbreed, his attempt at a 1990 dark fantasy epic that was in and out of theaters in a blink, and has struggled for years to gain any amount of recognition. This struggle is due in part to a lack of any major studio support. Right before its release, the studio went and chopped a ton of footage from the print, gave it pathetic marketing (they wouldn’t even spring for an original poster, instead reusing another horror movie’s poster from two years previous), and left it to die in an alleyway. Clive Barker, to say the least, was not pleased, and has promised a “Director’s Cut” as soon as he can find all that lost footage. There’s a movie to be made in that story, I’m sure.

In any case, we at the Mutant Reviewers Humane Society are all about rescuing stray cult classics and giving them good homes. Would you like to adopt a pet monster?

Nightbreed begins in a bizarrely muddled fashion: Aaron Boone (the ambiguous Craig Sheffer) is having nightmares of being a monster and killing folks, and his psychiatrist, Decker (director/actor David Cronenberg) gets him locked up for his homicidal tendencies. It turns out that Boone is being drawn to a mysterious graveyard that is the doorway to a place called “Midian” – a realm of monsters – and Decker is using him as bait to find it.

Cue some tedious scenes of Boone and his sweater-donning girlfriend Lori (Anne Bobby), and some additional chases around Midian before the plot gets to anything good. Eventually, Boone is killed and returns as a monster Luke Skywalker, the destined one who was meant to lead the underrealm to safety. Lori is just there to look vaguely unsettled at all of the monster getups around her, and Decker is there to put on a Scarecrow-like mask and murders people with knives to get to the truth. It turns out that we – stupid, clumsy, five-fingered humans – are the bad guys, and the monsters are all noble as Native Americans in any post-Dances With Wolves film. It’s a neat twist, but nothing to piddle your pants over.

The main problem with this is that the film asks you to believe that the nearby Canadian townies are the biggest bunch of monster bigots in the world, willing to saddle up and commit mass murder and lynching if only given the slightest opportunity. I mean, these monsters never did anything to anyone, other than exist, so it’s not like they’re bearing a past grudge that needs revenge, just some unpleasant racism. And I can’t speak for Canada the 90’s but I kind of doubt that there were enough people with that many guns who were willing to drop everything and go to war against the things that go bump in the night, just because.

While Barker apparently wanted this to be the Star Wars of monster movies, the plot and dialogue simply do not bear up to this aspiration. I never liked or cared about any of the protagonists (or antagonists, for that matter), and often I’d be whistling in shared discomfort when awkward conversations would fill up the screentime.

Yet Nightbreed’s greatest accomplishment is something beyond this, as money and love and attention to detail was given to creating the over 200 monsters that fill up the caverns of Midian. Certain scenes featuring creatures are stunningly awesome in imagination and appearances – something I certainly did not expect from 1990 cinema. Instead of characters running through these places all willy-nilly on a mission, I found myself wishing that the movie would slow down to allow more monster interaction and character development. Mos Eisley spaceport has nothing on Midian, believe you me. I totally love dark fantasy as a genre, and the level of creativity they put into making this world is to be admired. There’s an obvious setup for a sequel, which would’ve been welcomed by me, at least.

So as a story, Nightbreed fails, but as a concept, it is wildly exciting. If only I could say that about my breakfast.

You don't think these guys are hot? You're a MONSTER RACIST!

Didja Notice?

• Danny Elfman did the score

• Horror writers John Skipp and Craig Spector have “cameos” as corpses in the hotel room scene.
• The song “Skin” by Oingo Boingo from the album “Dark at the End of the Tunnel” is playing on the radio

Groovy Quotes

Peloquin: It’s all true. God’s an Astronaut. Oz is Over the Rainbow, and Midian is where the monsters live.

Captain Eigerman: You are a freak and a cannibal and you’ve come to the wrong town.

Decker: Miss Winston, EVERYBODY has a secret face!

Rickman Boy: There’s a bad man in our house.

Decker: See I’ve cleaned up a lot of breeders, families like cesspools; filth making filth making filth. And I did it over and over and over again, but it was all leading me here… I was born to destroy them… and the breed together.

Ashberry: I saw their god master… He burned me! I want to burn him back!

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Little Monsters

• Hellraiser
• Beetlejuice

Interestingly, it’s not always the sad moments that make me cry. I wrote this list before I wrote the introduction, and only three are officially truly sad moments. The other seven are bittersweet, some even more sweet than bitter. A few are even downright happy (well, by tearjerker standards). What can I say? Strong emotion makes me cry.

So, my ten moments I cry, no matter how many times I’ve seen the movie (and with #7, that one feels like it’s the triple digits.)

1.) Homer Hickam tells his father that he’s his hero in October Sky.

The relationship between Homer and Jack Hickam is one of the foundations between the movie. It’s complex, subtle, and beautifully acted by both Jake Gyllenhaal and Chris Cooper. I love this moment because the two of them spend the entire moment not getting what the other is saying (mainly because they’re not listening to each other), but this is when the deep love that is there boils up through, and they both get it. It’s a lovely, tender moment, and it makes me cry every time.

2.) Satine dies at the end of Moulin Rouge!

When I think of tragic death scenes that make me cry, this one tops my list. It’s impressive that it works, because you know she’s going to die from the very beginning. I mean, that’s how the movie starts, with the quote “The woman I love is dead.” But what I think really tips this over the edge is the way Christian/Ewan McGregor just completely breaks down.

3.) The Schindler Jews give Oskar Schindler his ring in Schindler’s List.

All of Schindler’s List is a heartbreaker, especially the first time you watch it. The brutality and cruelty shown in the movie… well, come on. It’s the Holocaust, graphically portrayed. But while that got me the first time through, I think my mind sort of took defenses when I’ve watched the movie in subsequent viewings. However, the moment Schindler truly realizes what he’s done and thinks he could have done more never, ever fails to twist my guts.

4.) Wat tells his the newly named Sir William “your father heard that” in A Knight’s Tale.

I’m a sucker for redemption stories, and also a sucker for parent child bonds. This is a fun movie where I don’t expect deep emotion, but when William realizes his father just had a life long dream he never expected to happen come true… there go the waterworks again.

5.) The entire ending of Life As a House.

When I was 16, my father passed away from leukemia (a disease I still cannot spell the name of without help from my spellchecker, even though it’s been eighteen years). This movie is about a sixteen year old losing his father to cancer. If you need more of an explanation, I’d be happy to direct you to the Midvale School for the Gifted.

6.) George Banks reflects back on his daughter’s life the night before she gets married in Father of the Bride.

Re-read #5, and then apply. But at the same time, I almost always cry at weddings. It’s so nice to see people celebrate something so happy.

7.) Dory tells Marlin that “when I look at you, I’m home,” in Finding Nemo.

Okay, enough of my Daddy Issues. Sheesh. This is just a great little moment in a great movie, when Dory’s trying to convince Marlin not to leave and go off alone. It’s just such a wonderful summation of what love- any love- is, and delivered with such earnestness from a character whose previous deep lines included “the sea monkeys have my money” and “Es-cap-ee! That’s funny, it’s spelled just like the word escape!”. Perfect moment in a great movie.

8.) The boys stand on their desks to say goodbye to Mr. Keating in Dead Poet’s Society.

Like with Schindler’s List, the big obvious moment (in this case Neil’s suicide) doesn’t really choke me up so much after the first viewing. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still horrible, but it doesn’t make me cry. But much like the moment Schindler gets his ring, the moment that the boys stand on their desks is a total tearjerker. And the beautiful bagpipe music and the boys still sitting hunched over don’t help keep me from crying.

9.) Matt reads the poem at Gareth’s funeral in Four Weddings and a Funeral.

This is one where yes, the death is sad, especially since Gareth’s one of my favorite characters in the movie. John Hannah does an amazing job playing the grieving lover without overdoing it. But I think it’s the poem, “Funeral Blues” by W.H. Auden, that just really gets me every time.

10.) Sam insists on going with Frodo at the end of Fellowship of the Ring.

Self-sacrificing hobbit bromance. Do I REALLY need to say more?

So, yeah. For all the death and chick flicks I’ve probably seen, those are the ten moments that stand out in my mind as making me cry. What can I say? When it comes to movies, I take tissues. It’s a good precaution.

The Scoop: 2006 R, directed by Timur Bekmambetov and starring Konstantin Khabenskiy, Mariya Poroshina and Vladimir Menshov

Tagline: The second chapter in the epic fantasy trilogy

Summary Capsule: Um… it’s kind of like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. If you were watching it under the influence of heavy drugs and a clown was laughing at you in the room.

Justin’s Rating: From Russia With Strangeness

Justin’s Review: Seriously, what is up with Russia these days? It was so much easier pre-1989, when we knew how things worked in that crazy land of long bread lines and red commies. You could expect them to curse James Bond in ridiculous accents, wear floppy fluffy earhats, and spend their weekends defecting with super-submarines to the USA. After the Iron Curtain fell? I can’t say. I hear a lot about the kooky Russian Mafia, and there was that T.A.T.U. phase that the world unfortunately rallied to one week in October 2004, but that’s about it.

If Night Watch and Day Watch are to be my only glimpses into this fascinating new free culture, then I’m going to need stronger medication to handle it. Day Watch continues on in Night Watch’s grand tradition of obstinately refusing to adhere to linear storytelling – or reality, for that matter. Nothing is spelled out for you; you’re dragged along at a merciless pace through disjointed scenes, trying to filter out the noise to ascertain the plot’s shadow. In a way, it’s like watching Twin Peaks on fast-forward, letting your mind skip over the backwards-talking midgets to figure out who killed Laura Palmer and what the owls and logs have to do with it.

Here’s what I could figure out, with the help of dubbing, subtitles and flash cards that the Day Watch training school sent me. Anton, as you remember, is a “Light Other”, which is less of a calorie-free sweetener and more of a supernaturally-powered police officer, tasked with keeping the “Dark Others” in line. There’s a truce between the two sides, but everything is glum and grim and Sean Connery warns us about shooting guns in confined spaces. Anton’s life is on the up – he’s making a little teacher-student romance on the side – but he’s still depressed, what with his kid deserting to the dark side of the force after finding out that his dad tried to abort him back in the 90’s.

Following that, there’s some vampires, car chases, a murder, a frame, bouncing balls, a camera that stops time, and the CHALK OF FATE. The CHALK OF FATE (legally I’m required to use all caps in this case, as the characters pronounce it such) is some mystical writing instrument that can change reality by just scribbling nonsense, and its inclusion in Day Watch is no more or less confusing than everything else. People from both sides want the CHALK OF FATE and Anton tries to reunite with his son and then there’s a birthday party where Anton gets stoned and stuff is happening and if I keep typing in run-on sentences that’s because this entire film feels like a giant run-on sentence with no subject, verb or point.

So why watch? Why can I honestly recommend this above, say, licking a poisonous Amazonian tree frog and watching your wallpaper melt into psychedelic patterns?

Visuals, my friend. Visuals. In fact, just mute the TV and introduce this movie to your friends as an artsy-fartsy expressionist film project, and you might make it out with their respect. Day Watch rewards your unending patience with payoff scenes of indescribable awesomeness. Sure, you don’t know what is going on, but when you see one truck literally drive through another truck, with slo-mo destruction and twisted metal abounding, something inside of you is made happy. Day Watch obviously blew wads of money on its effects, which makes it a true shame that the story can’t match.

Funny, that makes me think of Matrix Reloaded for some reason…

Well. This is peachy.

• Wilhelm scream!

• That’s one heckuva sex change

Intermission!

In January 2006, this became the highest-grossing movie in post-communist Russia.

Groovy Quotes

Narrator: Why does the wind blow? It wipes the tracks where we have passed. So that no one can tell, whether we still exist.

Yegor: Uncle Zavulon, why are we the Dark Ones?
Zavulon: Imperfections are hidden in darkness, Yegor. And people always have their imperfections.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Night Watch

• Men In Black

The Scoop:

Tagline: Saving the world is a hell of a job.

Summary Capsule: The best damn demon hunter in the world (sorry, Buffy) has to contend with an uptight new boss, an indestructible army, and a hormonal girlfriend. Guess which one he’s dreading most?

Drew’s Rating: Like what would happen if George Lucas and Barry Sonnenfeld had a baby. (And, ew.)

Drew’s Review: For a filmmaker, there’s only one way to guarantee yourself a sequel: make the first one profitable. Right or wrong, studios care about the bottom line, period. You can drop the biggest cinematic deuce ever committed to celluloid, but if people go see it in droves, rest assured you’ll be making Scary/Date/Epic/Disaster Movies until the end of time. Whereas if you create a masterpiece that makes Roger Ebert cry but that just breaks even, the studio will congratulate you heartily and let you know that your story has reached its logical conclusion. It’s scary but true – if Star Wars had tanked, there never would have been an Empire Strikes Back. Think about it.

But there are rare exceptions to that rule, which almost always boil down to two things: goodwill and respect for the director, and sheer force of will on the part of those trying to get the sequel made. Which brings us to Hellboy II and Guillermo del Toro, acclaimed filmmaker and avowed Hellboy fan. del Toro has never made a secret of his love for Mike Mignola’s creation, and while the first Hellboy movie wasn’t a flop, neither was it the Spider-Man-esque hit studios were hoping for. It took a good few years and more than a little effort to get a sequel made, but it finally arrived with del Toro at the helm, promising to deliver the same horrific fairy tale creatures seen in Pan’s Labyrinth. Ah, but in what context?

'Don't look at me, Abe, that's what your mom said would happen.'

Let’s get it out of the way: if your favorite part of Star Wars was the cantina scene, you’re not going to be disappointed. Hellboy II answers back with a lengthy scene set in a troll market, and the numerous beasties Nuada throws at our heroes (including, spoiler, the golden army itself) can’t fail to impress with their unique and bizarre looks. From the bustling activity of the market to the helmet of new hero Johann Krauss, del Toro clearly subscribes to the theory that there should always be some random machinery or creatures in motion at all times. Speaking of Krauss, Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane makes his motion picture debut as Hellboy’s officious new boss who happens to consist of ectoplasm occupying a containment suit. I have no idea how accurate MacFarlane’s accent might be, but he’s both amusing and reasonably restrained, something I wasn’t sure he could pull off. Perlman is great once again as Hellboy, striking the pitch perfect notes of the working man’s demon smasher, while Doug Jones gets a chance to shine as Abe Sapien, this time with more to do. Selma Blair is fine as Liz, but doesn’t get to emote as much this time around… ironic, given her circumstances. That said, the heavy makeup and prosthetics of the elf twins means Nuada never seems as angry as he should, and the tenderness Nuala is supposed to be showing is always tempered by a slight ick factor. But maybe that’s what del Toro was going for… they are outcasts, after all.

While Hellboy II gets a lot of things right, I think in one area it reaches a bit further than it probably should have. We all saw the first Hellboy movie, and more importantly we saw X-Men… the notion of a hero protecting a world that fears and hates him is old hat. One of the things I like about the Hellboy comics is that his existence has always been public, so nobody bats an eye at the giant devil creature standing next to them. Here we’re treated to more of the standard “once the novelty wears off, people start to hate him because he looks different” vibe, and it just feels so tired. I know they’re building up the theme of Hellboy having more in common with his enemies than those he protects (see also: the first movie), but did we really need the angry mob who turn on him for rescuing a baby? I expected more subtlety from a director of del Toro’s ability; as is, it’s so over the top that HB might as well be bellowing “Fire bad!” at the top of his lungs. (Mind, they actually do show a clip from The Bride of Frankenstein on a TV in the background of the very next scene. Y’know, in case you didn’t get it.)

That’s a relatively minor complaint, though, and Hellboy II does far more right than wrong. Granted, I’m a little disturbed that both Abe and Liz make decisions to save their loved ones at the theoretical expense of the rest of the world — so much for the greater good, I guess — but if you’re a romantic at heart, you’ll probably appreciate a movie filled with so many pariahs in love. On the other hand, if you’re someone like me who just likes watching gruff heroes take on mad (but slightly sympathetic) villains who respond by unleashing a cavalcade of horrors on them, this film has got you covered. We may never know exactly what convinced movie execs to take another chance on Hellboy, but be glad they did, and hope that someday Hellboy III is just as strong of an effort.

If anyone yells 'Go team!', I'm leaving.

• Young Hellboy is… terrifying, frankly. Guess he grew into those ears and teeth, huh?
• Agent Myers from the first Hellboy movie doesn’t appear because the actor who played him, Rupert Evans, was committed to appearing in a play in London. He’s mentioned in passing, Hellboy claiming to have had him transferred to Antarctica.
• I’ll admit it’s kind of badass, but the twirling blade thing is so overplayed, don’t you think?
• The Elf King’s guards remind me of Pyramid Head from Silent Hill.
• In the first Hellboy movie, all of HB’s fellow agents were named after things found in the earth: Lime, Moss, Quarry, Stone, and Clay. The Golden Army continues the trend, with the agents named after slightly tougher materials: Marble, Flint, and Steel.
• At one point a theater marquee can be seen reading “See You Next n sday”. This is a nod to John Landis, who references the fictional film “See You Next Wednesday” in all of his movies.
• When Hellboy holds a baby he’s rescuing with his tail and comments “First piece of tail, kid,” my DVD subtitles interpreted that as “First praise the tail, kid.” Which is good advice for everyone, really.
• In the comics, Hellboy is simply said to be the son of *a* high-ranking devil; The Golden Army takes this one step further, labeling him as the son of the Fallen One.

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

Nah.

Intermission!

In the comics, Johann Krauss is a professional medium who was conducting a seance when his physical body was destroyed, leaving his ectoplasmic spirit without a form to inhabit. A containment suit was quickly devised for him by the B.P.R.D., whom he subsequently joined. The movie version combines elements of Johann and another comic character, Captain Benjamin Daimio, a no-nonsense military veteran brought in to lead the B.P.R.D.’s field team after Hellboy’s departure; his by-the-book style often clashed with Liz. Interestingly, neither Johann nor Daimio has ever met Hellboy.

In Hellboy, Abe Sapien was physically played by Doug Jones, but voiced by an uncredited David Hyde Pierce. Jones would go on to voice Abe in the two animated Hellboy movies, and in The Golden Army he portrays Abe both physically and vocally. Jones also played the Angel of Deat h- the vocal effect was achieved by him recording each line twice, once in a high-pitched voice and once lower-pitched, and overlaying the two.

Nuada’s henchman, the one-eyed troll Mr. Wink, was named after Selma Blair’s one-eyed dog Wink.

She's certainly no uggo, but with all respect, I'll still take Liv Tyler, thanks.

Nuada: Sit down! Proud, empty, hollow things that you are. Let this remind you why you once feared the dark.

Manning: Officially we do not exist, you see. So that’s the problem when we get these. Subway. Highway. Ah, park. And he posed for this one and gave an autograph. I suppress each photo. Cell phone videos. They cost me a fortune and they show up on YouTube! God, I hate YouTube.

Liz: We have no survivors, no bodies.
Hellboy: Same story here, babe.
Liz: Don’t call me “babe.”
Hellboy: “Abe,” I said. “Abe.” Wrong channel. *flips button* Phew. Abe, I think Liz is still mad at me.
Liz: Still the same channel.

Abe: There are no corpses because there are no leftovers. Have you noticed the floor?
Hellboy: Aw, crap.
Abe: Precisely. All these things do is eat and eat, then poop, and then eat again.
Liz: Remind you of anyone?

Johann: Nice baby!
“Infant”: I’m not a baby, I’m a tumor.

Johann: You will learn to obey me, follow protocol, and stay focused at all times.
Hellboy: Oh, that word, “fockused”? Yeah, with your accent, I wouldn’t use it that much.

Hellboy: You’re in love. Have a beer.
Abe: Oh, my body’s a temple.
Hellboy: Well, now it’s an amusement park.

Liz: We are looking for Prince Nuada.
Goblin: Ah, him I know. Trade me something and I’ll take you to him.
Liz: Here- I have a shiny belt.
Goblin: But I have no pants.
Liz: Look! A wonderful set of magic eyes.
Goblin: I already have binoculars.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Hellboy
• Men in Black
• Ghostbusters

The Scoop: 1969, G, starring Arnold “Strong” Schwarzenegger, Arnold Stang, Deborah Loomis, and Ernest Graves

Tagline: See him topple two ton newspaper rolls! See him toss tough men like toothpicks!

Summary Capsule: Almost 40 years ago a ginormous Austrian was unleashed upon filmgoing audiences. His name was Hercules. And he went to New York.

Heather’s Rating: I find it really weird that my spellchecker accepts “Schwarzenegger” as a real word now.

Heather’s Review: Allow me to nerd out for a second, because I think I can best sum up my feelings (or at least have the most fun) by using the space-bound hosts of MST3K for reference (non MSTIES bear with me…I’m not going too far off the beaten path. Just a paragraph, I swear).

Years ago the show’s original host, Joel, left the show. He was a great comedian and greatly missed. He was followed by another man named Mike, who was also great, but very different. Fans were outraged, wars were pitted between the Mike camps and the Joel camps during which arrows were slung and much grog was ingested (or whatever it is those Renaissance Faire-types drink). Mike’s style was acerbic, ruthless, scathing. He ripped movies to shreds and left them no dignity. This was hilarious. Joel, on the other hand, had a more laid-back approach much like a tolerant husband with his overbearing wife. He rolled his eyes at the movie, pointed out its flaws, and just sat back frustrated. This, and his use of prop humor, was also hilarious. Generally I see myself as a “Mike” when viewing a bad film. I revel in insulting it in on every level and getting downright nasty. It’s what I do. But this movie confused my inner critic and just can’t bring myself to drown it in a pool of acidic wit. My point is the movie made me feel like a “Joel”.

Now don’t get me wrong. There was nothing “good” about this movie. But it just exudes some sort of “I didn’t mean to hurt you” charm that makes it hard for me to destroy it. In the end all I can say is that if you enjoyed “so bad it’s good” movies then I think you’re gonna like this one.

The plot is so thin it would make (insert current overly thin celebrity) jealous. Hercules, son of Zeus, is bored with Mt. Olympus. He wants to go to Earth and does (against his father’s wishes). Hercules traipses around New York and gets to be a pretty big thing in the wrestling world. Oh, and he sorta kinda has a love interest. Meanwhile Zeus sits up on Mt. Olympus and bounces maniacally back and forth between being angry at his son and protective of him. His menopause-like mood changes are a weird quirk that never made much sense in the original mythology and don’t translate well to the screen.

While we’re on the subject of Zeus I would like to mention something that really bugged me. “Zeus” is the Greek name for the king of the gods. Throughout the movie Hercules is even referred to as being Greek. And yet every other god on Mt. Olympus is referred to by his/her Roman name (Juno, Venus, Mercury, Pluto..). Come on, movie! Decide! Are we using Greek or Roman mythology here? I realize that you made attempts to rectify this, movie, but they were bad attempts. Bad!

The sound in this film is awful. It’s slightly too loud when the camera is close up on the characters and barely audible when we see them in a long shot. The funniest sound goof of all is that whoever edited this film forgot/didn’t know how to edit out the car engines and honking during the Mt. Olympus scenes (which were obviously shot outdoors in New York). It made me laugh out loud to watch Zeus trying to make his orders heard over New Yorker road rage.

As for the acting? *face palm* Hercules’s little friend Pretzie comes from the School of Overacting Don Knotts Wannabes, which is a stark contrast to Hercules himself. I could spend a few pages on the Governator, but I’ll try to hold back. This was Beefules’s first film and boy, did it show. I don’t know the intricate details about Schwarzenegger’s past, but from what I can tell the man couldn’t speak a lick of English in 1969. I say that not only because of his accent, which was so thick that his voice was dubbed over in theater and VHS versions, but also because when he spoke he acted as if he had no idea what was coming out of his mouth. There was no intonation, no emotion, no pauses or accents. Just “blah blah mumble ooa amm bleh”. An Olsen twin on Valium emotes more. I like to think I have a good ear for accents and languages, but at one point I turned to my husband and asked “Did he just say he ‘cracked some nekkies’?”

There camerawork had its not-so-bad qualities. The movie was mostly shot pretty well. The camerawork wasn’t too jerky, the screen was generally in focus with nothing chopped off, and the color was vibrant. Not a common feat in 1969. There were even a couple of early scenes that I thought were artfully done. But this movie didn’t even have the courtesy to shoot nighttime scenes with blue filter. The movie just said “screw it” and did it all in the daylight, leaving the audience to guess what time of day was supposed to be. Annoyingly the chase scenes were sped up, Munsters-style. That’s not nearly as funny as people thought it was back then.

When you ask me, in light of all these flaws, what it is that makes this movie “charming” I’m going to mumble and try to distract you with something shiny. If you insist that I explain myself I must admit that I can’t, really. The whole movie was just one big excuse for Schwarzenegger to take his shirt off. It’s just that there were funny parts, and the movie somehow managed not too try too hard. There was a good balance in that the movie didn’t try to be overly humorous (like today’s “Movie” titled strain of crap) and neither was it gunning to be the next Hamlet.

I have no other place for this next bit in my review so it’s just going to be tacked onto the end here. Like a piece of gum stuck to my shoe that I can’t scrape off. It just won’t let go! There’s a scene where Hercules steals some actor’s chariot and takes it through New York on a car-chariot chase. The owner (an actor in what looks like caveman attire) goes running after him and the hot dog vendor he was patronizing chases after him to put the sauerkraut on his hot dog. The joke continued all the way to Central Park where the chase scene ended. The vendor finally catches up to his customer and puts the kraut on the his dog as the guy looks forlornly at his ruined chariot. Stupid, yes, but it made me laugh. Somehow this movie made me hate it and love it at the same time. I empathize, Joel, I empathize.

Here my 'plot' and 'dialogue'. Is all need for good movie.

• Why would a guy who just overturned a cab run away like a schoolgirl from the unarmed cab driver?

• At the beginning of the movie Hercules is rescued by what is supposed to be a Navy ship and crew. Hercules emerges from the ship in Navy utilities (a work uniform). My husband made a good point: How would the skinny crew have found a pair of utilities to fit that guy?
• Yes, everyone. Gaze on in complete shock as the man as large as a Clydesdale throws a disc a long way. Marvel as the dude with calves the size of Plymouth Rock jumps better than the skinny college dork.
• This is one of two movies I’ve seen that have mentioned Arnold Schwarzenegger holding public office. Here Juno mentions that Hercules could be made king among the mortals, and Nemesis corrects her by saying America has presidents. In Demolition Man Arnold Schwarzenegger was president.
• This movie grapples with Santa Claus Conquers the Martians for Worst. Bear costume. Ever. And, um…grizzly bears lumber around like gorillas?
• Hercules’s “love interest” is one of the most stuttery, bobbleheaded creatures I’ve ever seen.
• “Easy Rider” was playing at one of the theaters Hercules passed during the chariot chase.

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits:

Nocules.

Intermission!

Schwarzenegger took the role at the urging of his friend Reg Park, who had previously played Hercules in three films (Ercole alla conquista di Atlantide (1961), Ercole al centro della terra (1961) & Sfida dei giganti, La (1965)).

To help Arnold get the role, his agent said he had years of “stage” experience, implying theater, but Schwarzenegger had only appeared on bodybuilding stages.

Groovy Quotes:

Hercules: Haha. You have striked Hercules!

Pretzie No, his first name is Hercules. His last name is Zeus. It rhymes with “booze”.

Nemesis: How have you been, Pluto?
Pluto: Pretty nifty, except it’s been a hell of a day. New shipload.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Disney’s Hercules
• Hercules Against the Moon Men
• The Terminator

So, squatting in front of my DVD rack, I considered my choices for a long time, until one day, out of the blue, a little fairy with a nasty cough knocked on my door and thrust a copy of The Princess Bride into my hands.

“Here ya go,” said the fairy, hacking a chunk of lung into a hanky. “Stop yer whining and do this. You know you gotta, yadda yadda, do you know where the nearest emergency room is?”

He was right, of course, even if he stopped breathing. How could I be so incredibly blind? It’s been there in front of my nose for years – a long-loved cult favorite with a rich history of viewing pleasure in my life, spanning back to my early teenage years. It’s a “good” movie, but there’s a lot of fun to be had in analyzing it and generally spewing my unique brand of verbal cologne across its surface. And it would allow me to vent even more about the sheer idiocy that is Buttercup.

It’s funny to think that The Princess Bride spans aaaaaaall the way back to 1973, when author/screenwriter William Goldman (All the President’s Men, Misery) created this in the form of a giant shaggy dog tale. Instead of just launching into a subversive twist on the old fantasy/romance genre, he also subverted novel writing itself. Goldman felt the need to make up an enormous backstory of TPB’s alleged writing by a guy named “S. Morgenstern”, and how Goldman took an often-boring novel and boiled it down to what he called “The Good Parts Version”. Thus, like the movie itself, Goldman continually breaks into the narrative of the novel to mention that he took out, say, 29 pages devoted to a woman choosing which hat to wear. If you didn’t know better, it was entirely possible to be fooled by this setup. And that’s the sort of tongue-in-cheek attitude TPB had when it came onto the silver screen.

(Interesting side note number one: when Goldman re-released TPB in a 30th anniversary edition, he included the first chapter of the sequel: Buttercup’s Baby. Naturally, Goldman created an even more complex tale of how he was trying to acquire the rights to abridging that text from, of all people, Stephen King. Shaggy dog again. Then, it gets even better – as the chapter itself ends with a terrific cliffhanger, readers became eager to know when the sequel would finally hit the shelves. The answer? Never. Seriously, as far as we know, Goldman wrote the cliffhanger chapter as one last TPB practical joke on his readers. I love this guy so much, it hurts.)

(Interesting side note number two: Goldman inserted another practical joke into the text, where he mentions that he himself wrote only one scene, a reunion scene between Buttercup and Westley, but his publisher rejected it. He then urges readers to write in asking for the scene, which they did in spades. The readers got back a long – and again, fictitious – letter about some lawyer who has blocked the release of the scene.)

But enough about the book – we’re here for the movie! I’ve been constantly amazed at how TPB has changed for me over the years as my perspective has grown wiser and more amazingly intelligent. Or… I’m just bored and new things pop out at me. As a kid, TPB was nothing more than a fairly funny fantasy flick, but it took a few years before I began to catch on to the extreme undercurrent of satire and goofy weirdness that was going on here. Everyone does everything “straight” in TPB, yet what they’re saying or doing is almost completely ridiculous or stupid. If they did it all with a wink and a jolly skip, it would’ve been forgettable; as it is, the sincerity of the characters is what makes this outright awesome.

Thus, let us go, you and I, back to 1987, and a world filled with large rodents, six-fingered men, and the… * cough * cough * … the pit… of despair!

The Princess Bride, like many other classic films, is not a case of one thing done extremely well, but many things done extremely well. I’ll probably find myself saying, “One of the things I love about this movie is…” quite a bit, and you’ll just have to bear with me through it. Fozzy, Teddy Ruxpin, Smokey or Yogi are your choices.

One of the things I love about this movie is the clever little framing device of the grandfather and the grandson. Sure, they could’ve gone the traditional route of just throwing us into a fairy-tale setting, perhaps with some lame title cards, scrolling text or a narrator who would much rather be back performing Shakespeare on stage, thankyouverymuch. But instead we get a brilliant device that works on so many levels: it eases the audience into the fantastical setting; it provides moments of great comedy when we’re suddenly “yanked” out of the story for some comment or another; and it gives an ally to people who complain about healthy servings of romance and glitzy fantasy into their otherwise bland cinematic diets.

But more than that, more than anything else, it helps to rekindle our love of simply having someone tell us a story. Good storytellers are a rare and cherished breed in our world, people who can spin us a tale and make us care with only the power of their words and our imagination. For centuries, it was the way people across the world passed on their stories, real and imaginary, for future generations to experience. It’s good we haven’t totally lost that.

The movie opens to a shot of Accolade’s C64 “Hardball”. Sports fans are thrown a bone (it’s a hit, and the batter makes it to first!), and little kids in the audience find something to connect to. The camera shows us the player – it’s a somewhat-sick Fred Savage, who’s both a Chicago Bears fan and a shill for Cheetos. He’s got a cool room, one of those setpieces that studio prop departments go nuts for over-decorating with devil masks, toy cars, and posters galore. His mom comes in, feels his forehead and establishes that, yes, he is on the threshold of death’s grim doorway, a mere second or two from pressing that eternal doorbell.

Mom lets the kid know that his grandfather is there to see him; kid is less than thrilled, knowing his grandpappy’s penchant for cheek pinching. Lo and behold, the cheek gets violated. Hey everyone, it’s Peter Falk (Columbo)! As the movie progresses, we get a great sense of their relationship. Like any kid on the verge of annoying adolescence, he’s not a huge fan of old people and their old ways, like walking and communicating verbally. The grandfather knows he’s an embarrassment, but gives it the faithful college try anyhow. Surprisingly, it works – but not without a few bumps in the road.

Grandfather gives the kid a present, which thrills him for the 0.2 seconds opening it, until… “A book?” he says unimpressed, his eyebrows climbing to teenage disbelief. From here on out, grandfather knows that he’s going to be fighting an uphill battle to win over this newfangled generation of gadget geeks. Not trying to oversell it, grandfather describes it as having “Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles!” So now we have something to look forward to, I guess. We’ll try to stay awake.

Okay, no matter how cynical I could ever become, the moment when the grandfather begins reading, the scene fades into the countryside, and the music leads in, I get a big ol’ smile on my face. It’s just charming, nothing more or less to it. “Isn’t that a wonderful beginning?” “Yeah. It’s really good.” Haha…

I do appreciate that a bulk of the “getting together” part of the romance is front-loaded into the first ten minutes or so, leaving the rest of the movie to examine what romance is really all about: being hounded and tortured for devoting your life to another human being. More romance flicks need to learn this lesson. Thus, we are introduced to freshly-scrubbed Wesley (Cary Elwes) and snobbish prig Buttercup (Robin Wright). Wesley is a meek farmboy who is the source of amusement for the torments of Buttercup, who barks orders like a dominatrix or a teenage drama queen (same difference?).

Wesley, overcome by what we’ll hope are the toxic fumes of barnyard animals and not hormones, does not instantly crush her skull with a nearby hoe, but instead meekly replies to her demands with the phrase, “As you wish.” Eventually – as in, 35 seconds – she realizes he loves her, she loves him, and death will have to go on to other venues for the time being. Then they start to kiss against the backdrop of a perfect sunset, the moment frozen in time out of respect for their love, and…

“Hold it hold it!” the grandson interjects, taking us away from this Hallmark Hell. “Is this a kissing book?” Good call there, junior. I suspect, without that little protest, about 90% of the male audience would’ve dashed out of the theater doors by this point. Back into the book we go!

So here we have our happy couple, who we literally just met about twenty seconds ago as they fell in love, and the story suddenly has to rip them apart. Because, y’know, we couldn’t just watch two people mooning over each other for a couple hours without taking our fury out on the cat. Or something. I used “cat” there because I’m not very fond of them, and I highly suspect that they see our skin as a forbidden – yet tantalizing – barrier to the pounds of catnip stashed away inside.

Also, Garfield sucks.

“This is true love,” Wesley says with dead earnestness. “Do you think this happens every day?” The answer to that is “no”, since the True Love™ that he’s talking about has the power to reverse death and decay, storm castles, and thwart polydactyly wherever it rears its superfluous appendage.

To escape from Buttercup’s fantasy-romance stereotype and find sultry wenches (more on that later), Wesley leaves to make his fame and fortune on the open sea. Good idea. Except he is instantly (off-camera) killed. Bad idea. “Murdered by pirates is good!” says the grandson. Yes, junior. Yes it is. If only we were all so fortunate.

Buttercup takes the mourning period way out of proportion to the two minutes of true love™ that she had, and begins a mope-a-thon to rival any teenage kid who finds out they have to take advanced calculus. “I will never love again,” she snivels. “Where am I going to find hired help that I can abuse in such a sado-masochistic fashion that they’ll end up falling for me? I mean, a second time?”

I’m not a big fan of Buttercup, for many reasons, but the overarching reason is this: she is beyond useless. Taken seriously, this movie might even be misogynistic. What does she do, other than look halfway pretty, stumble around in a dress, try to attempt at verbalizing anger, and fail in a battle of wits against grown-ups? She does jump out of a window, I think, but that’s hardly in her favor. She’s just a witless pawn being moved around to keep the plot going. I guess that’s true of a lot of romance novels, come to think of it.

Grandfather goes on to read to us that Prince Humperdink (awesome name, +10 character points!) has chosen Miss Mopey to be his lawfully wedded wife. We assume that he hasn’t actually met her at any close range, otherwise he’d find out quickly that her emotions are limited to either spastic jerk or woeful melancholy.

In the “introducing Princess Buttercup” scene, there’s a couple funny things going on in the background that are interesting to notice. The first is that the senile King is doing his own hand-waving, pretending that he’s still in charge. The second is when Humperdink asks the crowd if they want to meet Buttercup, they all raise their fists and shout “YEAH!” in perfect unison. I can’t imagine the logistics behind the practices of the peasant masses in this country.

Buttercup comes in, but she’s not happy. You could even say she’s… mopey? You could say that. Quickly, we switch to Buttercup taking on yet another fantasy-romance cliché, which is The Horse Whisperess. Once, just once, I’d love to see a fantasy-romance chick who is frightened or appalled by these four-legged stomping machines, and prefers to ride a tortoise instead.

Finally, the movie takes us away from the dreadful saccharine plight to get things moving along (just like classic fairy tale stories — if you’re not into the thick of the action by paragraph three, it ain’t worth telling). And the best way to do that is to have a (not so) random encounter on a path with Goldilock’s three bears: shorty, skuzzy and hefty. Shorty is Vizzini, the “brains” of this diabolical criminal syndicate; skuzzy is Inigo, the drunk swordsman; and hefty is Fezzik, the World Wrestling Federation Champion, ANDRE THE GIANT!!!!. Sorry, I felt as if that bit of coolness needed some formatting assistance. Buttercup’s in trouble, but she drinks deep from the well of self-pity, and could not climb out in time to realize that she’s still on a speedy horse, and these three guys have to take turns giving piggy-back rides. Fezzik gives Buttercup the Vulcan nerve pinch, and she’s out.

As they load Buttercup’s worthless carcass onto a boat, Vizzini tries to put the uncomfortable trouser tights he’s wearing out of his mind by offloading some exposition to the others. They’re making it look as if another country kidnapped Buttercup, and a war will soon erupt. Father will turn against son, Yoda will flee to Degobah, and proton torpedoes will be fired into exhaust ports. It’s a prestigious line of work, Vizzini informs us. Fezzik balks at killing Buttercup (this is because he does not yet know her), but Vizzini verbally beats the both of them to the ground. “Do you want me to send you back from where you were? Unemployed? In Greenland?” always gets a laugh from me.

Then begins a little odd moment between Inigo and Fezzik, where we eventually realize that Inigo is teaching his landmassian pal how to think of rhymes. That’s also a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition — moreso if you work for Hallmark. The rhyming drives Vizzini mad. Good.

Later that night, the boys are celebrating their mild villainy on the boat, but Inigo is concerned about being followed. Vizzini demonstrates his love of his Word of the Day Calendar (1448 A.D. edition) by spouting the word “inconceivable” every two minutes for the remainder of his screen time. Buttercup gives them some lip, and Fezzik silently contemplates keelhauling her. Westley? My man? I know the farmland offers few dating alternatives, but I’m sure there were more attractive and less bitter sheep out there than this woman. Just sayin’.

A mysterious ship is following them, and Vizzini gives a plausible theory: “Probably some local fisherman out on a pleasure cruise… at night… through eel-infested waters.” Eel-infested? Sign me up for that cruise!

Buttercup’s had enough — she bails over the side. Her sharp wit has not quite caught on to the fact that (a) she’s trying to swim in a full dress, (b) there’s no land anywhere nearby, (c) she has yet to develop mature gills, and (d) dude just said “eel-infested”. Maybe she has a weird kink for eels, but this being a family-friendly flick, I’m going to carefully lay that thought aside and smash it with a sledgehammer. Inigo cannot swim, and Fezzik (doing charming little hand motions) claims he can only dog-paddle. Buttercup is shocked to learn that the territorial waters she’s now co-habiting with eels are not home to your garden variety toxin-saturated Moray Eels or even the battery-charging Electric Eels. Nope, these are the stomping grounds of the elusive Shrieking Eels, who used to be forum-posting fanboys before their transformation by a witch and dumped into the sea. “No original paint job on Optimus Prime!” they wail, as Buttercup looks anxious. “Greedo can’t shoot first!” One swims closer and closer to Buttercup, opens its mouth (“Uwe Boll should leave video games alone!”) and starts to charge.

I’ll admit it: when I was a kid, this scene made me the most anxious out of any in the movie. I have a life-long fear of the ocean and everything that swims around and under you, and Mr. Shrieking Eel didn’t help my sleep patterns any. However, in a moment of cinematic brilliance (and I am not being sarcastic at all), right as Buttercup’s about to be eaten the scene abruptly cuts to the Grandfather, who looks up at the Grandson and reassures him: “She doesn’t get eaten by the eels at this time.” This short interlude, right here, is the best part of the movie for me. Without descending into outright satire and goofy comedy, the filmmakers rapidly shift from tense horror to a moment of pealing laughter — who wouldn’t want to be reassured that their favorite character (let’s pretend, for Buttercup’s sake) would be okay during a scary part? The Grandson is non-plussed: “What?” You can tell he was really getting into the tale (and so were we — by this point, we more or less forgot that it’s being narrated by the Grandfather).

Back into the story. Buttercup’s okay (sigh), the mysterious boat is gaining speed, and Vizzini wishes he had more hair so that he had something to pull out. Question: if they were going to kill Buttercup anyway later on, why not just do away with her now, and lug her blessedly-quiet corpse around for the remainder of the journey? You have a giant, after all, and a guy who’s really really good at cutting big things into smaller things.

Morning breaks over the Cliffs of Insanity, and the criminals break for coffee and crumpets. Then Fezzik is called on to carry all four of them up, while the Man in Black™ follows up from behind. At the top, Vizzini cuts away the rope and is dismayed when the Man in Black™ does not fall to the rocks and rupture his abdomen. A side note: Vizzini has the most girly dagger I’ve ever seen. I have more manly butter knives in my drawer, I swear.

Vizzini leaves Inigo to kill the MIB (Tommy Lee? Fresh Prince?) once he reaches the summit. Nobody thinks to just sit at the edge and have a ball by throwing fist-sized boulders down onto MIB’s head. I can just picture the plunking. “Men in masks are not to be trusted,” Frezzik pontificates. As a kid, this statement blew by me; as an adult, it casts a wicked light on all superhero franchises. After all, would you vote for a masked President or trust a high school English teacher who always wore a scarf around their mouth and eyes? Yeah, me too.

Playing against moviegoers’ expectations, instead of quickly arriving at a fast and furious battle between Inigo and the MIB, the film grins evilly and grinds to a halt. The MIB is taking forever to climb up the cliff. Inigo is impatient. Inigo offers to help. MIB declines. Inigo practices his swordplay a bit on the obviously-not-a-soundstage. MIB climbs more. It’s both infuriating and hilarious. Eventually, MIB allows Inigo to help him up – and pause for a warm heart-to-heart conversation, solely because Inigo made up some Spanish-sounding name to swear by. If I knew that worked, I’d be telling police officers “I swear on the sword of my father Domingo Montoya, I will drive 55.”

During this little verbal tête-à-tête, which is all the more surreal for the fact that these two well-spoken men are about to try to hack each other’s limbs off, we find out a few interesting facts. Mostly it’s about Inigo’s quest for revenge against the six-fingered man who killed his father, but we can’t discount the MIB’s boot full of enormously large rocks. But seriously, Inigo’s monologue about his father is one of the most captivating in the film, and that is saying something. “Next time, I will not fail. I will look him in the eye and say, ‘Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.’”

Finally, we get some down and dirty fighting. I won’t be going into great detail, since this is a mutant viewing and not a comprehensive history of Russia, and we need to get moving. With flailing rapiers and wordy exchanges, Inigo is eventually bested and knocked unconscious by the MIB. There’s also a completely superfluous high bar flip that was included because Rob Reiner accidentally budgeted for a gymnast and needed to justify the cost.

With skuzzy out of the way, the MIB catches up with hefty. Andre the Giant gets his biggest part of the movie, which plays against his two weaknesses: his ability to manipulate the English language so that it doesn’t sound like he’s talking through a twenty-foot tube, and his (at the time) serious back problems. Still, with the aid of ramps and his charming smile, we can’t help but root for Fezzik a little more than the huggy MIB. Fezzik’s inquiry about the mask is a snarky barb aimed at hack fantasy writers, as is the MIB’s reply: “They’re terribly comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them in the future.” Eventually, the MIB chokes Fezzik until he passes out and starts bleeding from the nose and ears. Oxygen deprivation! It’s just as fun as it sounds! I don’t know how Andre kept a still face while he’s told to “dream of large women”, but I admire him the more for it.

We cut to Prince Humpbackwhale, hot on the trail of the kidnappers. For a self-proclaimed badass, his frilly skirt and extreme lack of armor make me wonder why his nation hasn’t staged a coup against his lilly-white buttocks yet.

MEANWHILE… the MIB catches up with shorty, who stages a “battle of the minds”. They each cut open their skulls, fling their brains at each other, and pray for a quick resolution before bodily functions shut down. Nah… it’s more along the lines of a poisoned cup of wine Vizzini has to avoid, which he profoundly does not after a long rambling speech that somehow references the Vietnam War (!). Buttercup mute and blindfolded makes this – easily – the best scene she’s in. Vizzini dies, rather abruptly. I know, I know. It’s inconceivable.

A quick aside: since the MIB is the one who comes up with the whole poisoned-wine challenge, it makes me wonder what Vizzini’s plan entailed. After all, he’s managed to set up a rather extravagant picnic feast – wine, goblets, apples, bread, cheese – all on top of a tablecloth. Where was he stashing all of this during his flight from the law?

Team Black intercepts the football from Team Stooge, and makes off for the horizon. Upset at being used as a piece of equipment in a sports metaphor, Buttercup resumes her mouthy nature as the MIB yanks her along. MIB reveals that he’s spent “the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder”, which begs the question: um, WHY? Either he had incredible foresight for this bizarre hostage situation, or he just wanted to win some bar bets.

To keep the suspense up, we get yet another scene of Prince Humperdink analyzing the second fight scene. I spend more time admiring how purple, fuzzy and poofy his ensemble is. It’s like someone abducted Christopher Guest from his bathroom right after a shower and made him latch on a sword belt around his wife’s bathrobe. His horse has no problems being leapt upon (Sue? Do horses like this?)

The MIB yanks Buttercup across the country like a man very late for his Oscar acceptance speech and the woman that he’s towing behind is the reason for that tardiness, then abruptly halts for a few minutes of casual small talk. Is it a spoiler to anyone at this point if I reveal that the MIB is Wesley? Was it ever a surprise to anyone?

Anyway, Wesley is obviously pissed beyond belief at Buttercup (“Ha ha ha, and what is that worth the promise of a woman?”), but he’s still rescuing her. Buttercup must be the only woman on the planet with more than three teeth, considering how much Wesley puts up with her instead of moving on to another motion picture. Wesley even goes so far as to almost slap her. “My hand flies on its own,” he warns. Yes, I’m sure that defense holds up in divorce courts across the country.

A quick cutaway to Humperdink’s mighty morphin’ rescue squad, then we’re right back with the honeymooners. They’ve gone, like, two feet, and Wesley throws Buttercup to the ground again. Geez, man, I don’t like her either, but she’s wearing high heels and a hundred feet of curtain strapped around her – you might want to give her a little bit of leeway on the travel situation.

Buttercup accuses the MIB of being the “Dread Pirate Roberts” (the Dread Pirate Bob?). ‘Tis true. MIB/Roberts/Wesley moans about how hostage taking is “work work work”, and Buttercup sobs, “You mock my pain!” Why yes. Yes he does. Because your tears are so deliciously sweet, my dear. Wesley spouts the immortal line: “Life IS pain, highness. Anyone who says different is selling something.”

Buttercup takes a rare moment away from her self-pity and shoves the MIB down the steep hill. Go Team Mary Kay!

In perhaps the greatest instance of cinematic rolling down a hill, Wesley reveals his true nature with a hearty (and somewhat pained) “Aaaaas youuuuuu wisshhhhh!” Good move, there, Buttercup. I, too, like to start the day by pushing my love off a cliff. “Crap!” she thinks, then launches herself down the hill in the second greatest example of cinematic rolling down a hill. It’s quite the romantic moment. I feel bad for their stunt doubles.

Wesley’s mask and dew rag fly off, but Buttercup’s clothes are fastened with all the tightness that the MPAA provides. Cue a few kissy-touchy-sappy moments of reunited bliss that I shan’t be covering. Instead, I’ll provide you with this picture to test your gag reflex:

Wesley asks Buttercup why she didn’t wait, fool, and she’s all like, “Well, you were a rotting corpse and I’m just not into that, thank you very much.” Tsk, girl, you’re in a romance movie. You should know better. “Death cannot stop true love,” Wesley croons. “All it can do is delay it for a little while.” MRFH dares you to use this line to a grieving widow or widower at a funeral.

More kissing. Grandson objects. OBJECTION!

As they flee into the Fire Swamp, Wesley lays into Humperdink with a witty “Pig Fiancee” remark. The Swamp itself is a pit of vines and roots of the completely artificial variety. Wesley remarks how beautiful it all is, and Buttercup looks at him as if he’s completely mad. Or a man. Strange how often those two things coincide.

The Fire Swamp greets the happy couple by setting Buttercup’s alcohol-drenched dress on fire (yes!), and she unhelpfully kicks at Wesley while he’s valiantly attempting to put it out with his bare hands. As they wander through this terrific set – Justin loves the atmosphere – Wesley explains how he ended up kidnapped by pirates and eventually granted the mantle of “Dread Pirate Roberts”. The concept of deliberately crafting a legend comes into play, which is sort of interesting.

Buttercup’s been physically carried throughout this entire speech, so it goes without saying that as soon as Wesley puts her down, she steps straight into a vat of oatmeal. Seriously, this woman is more death-prone than a dog who’s raised to think of all cars as its “mother”. Wesley sighs, grunts, lets out a healthy belch, reads the sports section of Guilder Today, scratches his rear, then relunctantly goes into the oatmeal pit to pull out his corpse bride. Oh, wait, guess she’s still alive. Hooray.

More hugging. Wesley spots a giant rat, but fails to comment on it. I know exactly the chain of events that he’s predicting in his mind at this point:

1. “Oh, hey, it’s a giant rat!” he says calmly.

2. Buttercup looks, screams, and promptly runs in the opposite direction.

3. Wherein lies the oatmeal vat of death.

4. She falls back into it while making the sound of a rapidly deflating tire (“eeee”).

5. Wesley sighs, grunts, lets out yet another healthy belch, reads the funnies, pulls out a massive wedgie from all that cliff climbing earlier, then goes for round two in Quaker Oats Land.

“Thanks, but no thanks,” he thinks, and flat-out lies when Buttercup asks him about the R.O.U.S.s (that’s Rodents of Unusual Size, winner of the most awkward acronym award of 1987). His bold gambit of lying nets him a hefty R.O.U.S. on the chest. Her man in severe, life-threatening danger, Buttercup reaches deep within herself only to find wispy dreams and flights of fancy. She screams. She grabs a stick and pokes – not swipes, mind you, or bashes, but pokes – at the critter. She fails to get Wesley his sword when he’s grabbing for it. There’s also a good two minutes where she just stands around, twirling her hair, like she’s waiting for the mall to open.

Bitten, burned and a bit cheesed off, Wesley shoves the R.O.U.S. into a fireball, then stabs it no less than three times with his pig sticker. A dozen new chest hairs erupt due to this display of incredible manliness.

In summary: Buttercup – pokes things with sticks. Wesley – skewers things with Detroit steel.

The couple casually stroll out of the Fire Swamp into what appears to be the same exact location where Buttercup was kidnapped at the start of the flick. After their fifteen-minute stay in the Fire Swamp, the two are confident that they’ve lost their pursu… oh, hey, it’s their pursuers!

“Surrender!” Humperdink demands. Wesley gets all cute and presents his tail feathers in a valiant attempt at bravado, but to no avail. Buttercup sizes up the situation – she has a difficult time with math, but she’s fairly sure that the bad guys have more numbers on their side than her Team Snugglybear. So here she makes what I consider to be an unforgivable sin: she betrays Wesley and surrenders for the both of them.

Ugh. Now, yeah, they weren’t in the most advantageous position, but Buttercup, baby, you just got your man back from the dead. He’s proven he’s nigh invincible, and you yourself are a decent target decoy. Why would you give him up like that? Even if you were both going to die, wouldn’t it be better to die together than to surrender your One True Love to be tortured to death?

Oh, wait. She naively assumes that Humperdink’s gonna let Wesley go. Because guys love having threats to their manhood running around all willy-nilly if they have a say about it.

I like how Humperdink tells Rugen to go ahead and throw Wesley in the Pit of Despair, not at all quiet-like, and standing about ten feet away from Buttercup. My wife can hear every single under-my-breath mutter I utter, so you’re telling me that Butternuts couldn’t pick up on that slice of deception?

The look on Wesley’s face is near priceless as Buttercup is whisked away. “Dude,” he’s thinking. “I just sailed through a sea of screaming fish, free-climbed a sheer rock cliff, battled three bandits, and plowed through a merciless swamp, and for what? A vacation at thumbscrew central? No woman is worth this. No Swedish female volleyball team is worth this.”

Count Rugen, it is noticed, has six fingers on his right hand. I wonder if that will be on the final exam.

Enter the Pit of Despair. Located in south Harlem, the Pit boasts an impressive array of staircases without handrails, scores of candles and ominous torches, and some fun looking exercise equipment. Wesley is cleaned up by a cheery albino – and what little boy doesn’t dream of that one day? The albino mentions “The Machine”, which I’m assuming doesn’t make smoothies. Wesley looks a tad worried.

Grandpa informs us that the king died that night and Buttercup and Humperdink tied the knot the very next day. I sincerely hope that when I die, my kids skip out on my funeral to go get hitched. Stupid kids. Always wanting a bigger allowance. I’m not made of money, do you hear?!?!?!?

Grandkid is upset with this turn of events, but Grampa states “Who said life is fair? Where is that written? Life isn’t always fair.” and plows ahead to one of the best scenes in this movie:

BUTTERCUP GETS HER COMEUPPANCE

That’s right, ladies and gents. For all her mind-boggling incompetence, for her betrayal, for her infidelity and self-centered whinings, Queen Buttercup (sporting a crown that has to weigh 45 pounds, easy) is visited by a nasty old crone. “You had love in your hands,” she says, “and you gave it up!” Buttercup tries to defend her stupidity, but the crone drowns her out with some well-deserved “BOO! BOO! RUBBISH! FILTH!”

Honestly? This is the moment in the movie where I could shut it off and consider it a happy ending.

Oh yeah, it was all a dream. Again. Buttercup rises from her bed at the Ohio Renaissance Faire, stalks around the booths selling outrageously marked-up prices, and confronts Humperdink about her mistake. She wants Wesley back, which is honorable enough, yet she goes about it in a typical Buttercup way, by going to the one guy who has nothing to gain from fulfilling her proposal. Humperdink promises to send non-existent ships after Wesley, but presents Nutterbutts with a counter-proposal: that she’ll marry him if Wesley doesn’t come back.

Humperdink: [with sincere eyes] If not… consider me, as an alternative to suicide?

I think they need to make that quote and picture into some sort of inspirational poster for high school counseling offices. Buttercup agrees because… well, she’s an imbecile. Haven’t you figured that out yet?

Cut to Rugen and Humperdink eviling it up in the forest as Humps talks about Buttercup’s upcoming murder and Rugen muses on how much he loves to torture. I suddenly get a flash of insight – these two guys must’ve been in the same college dorm room together, probably with a lot of dead birds and cats hidden away in their sock drawers. Urgh. Rugen and his bitchin’ goatee enter the (cough) Pit… of Despair! Humperdink bows out – he’s swamped.

Inside the PoD, Wesley is getting intimately aquainted with a number of suction cups, and Rugen makes himself at home behind his Junior Executive Play Desk. It’s here we get a good look at the Machine, which accomplishes the task of looking vaguely menacing without giving us any proper idea of what it does. Rugen claims that he’s writing his Ph.D. thesis on pain, a common approach that most action hero stars take nowadays. The Machine, he explains, will suck a year or more of your life away in less than a minute. So, it’s like watching Gigli, just an hour and fifty-nine minutes faster.

Wesley is milked by the Machine, and as a kid, I was properly disturbed by this torture. As an adult, I’m just amused all over the place. “Remember, this is for posterity, so be honest.”

Back at the castle, Humperdink is interrupted in the midst of his warmongering by previously-unseen Gillian, the chief enforcer of all Florin. There’s a funny little moment when Gillian kneels by Humperdink’s chair but ticks off the Prince by putting his arm on the rest in place of his liege’s. Humperdink orders Gillian to start clearing the forest of all potential assassins (irony alert!), and Buttercup arrives wearing her Princess Barbie Dream Gown. It’s really, really, really pink. She mews about Wesley a bit, then leaves. Important, that was! Gillian gets orders to form a “Brute Squad” to help him out.

Dude. I want a Brute Squad.

In the Thieves Forest (aka the Renaissance Fair Food Court), the Brute Squad is living up to their name. They’ve recruited Bluto, The Rock, Ving Rhames, Jean Claude Van Damme, Ogre, Biff Tannen, and the entire Cobra dojo. There, that should be enough pop culture references to keep this going. The lone holdout in the forest is a “Spaniard”. Could it be? Wonder of wonders? Miracle of miracles? It’s!

A very drunk Inigo! Even drunk, he’s more than a match for the Brute Squadees, slurring “I am waiting for Vizzini…” while slashing the air with his rapier.

“You surely are a meanie!” I can’t tell you how many times I saw this movie before I caught that Fezzik (for it is he) was continuing the “rhyming” gag from earlier on. Also, Inigo says “It’s you!” and Fezzik slyly inserts “True!” before knocking out the other Brute Squad guy.

Grampa narrates how Fezzik nursed Inigo back to health, with what looks like a spoonful of Campbell’s Chunky Potato soup. Inigo thanks him by passing out face-first into the stew. Fezzik also passes along messages about Vizzini (dead) and Rugen (six fingers), even though Fezzik wasn’t really present for either of these revelations. Maybe he saw the dailies.

Revenge in sight, Inigo despairs that Rugen’s not only locked up in a castle, but the gate is guarded by 30 extras. 10 for Fezzik, 20 for Inigo. Inigo doesn’t like those odds, so he decides to recruit a new strategist: the Man in Black. The where’s and how’s of this don’t concern him!

Buttercup, wearing the fourth outfit that day (robin’s eggshell blue), finally catches Humperdink in a bald lie, as he didn’t actually send out any ships to catch up with Wesley, unless you count the vessels “Censorship”, “Hardship”, “One Upmanship” and “Dictatorship”. Fool Buttercup once, and you’re in the majority. But… ooh, fool her, like, ten times, and she’ll suddenly get mildly more whiny about it! “Wesley will come for me anyway!” she preens.

Yup. Way to get your boyfriend more tortured, there. Why don’t you go ahead and insult the guy holding him by calling him a “coward” and “slimy weakling” while you’re at it? You did? Good.

Humperdink runs down to the Pit of Despair, rants a tad, and shoves the Machine up to 50. Huh, Wesley’s gonna be collecting Social Security after that round, I bet. His screaming – which sounds like a fleet of Tie Fighters swooping down – disturbs the inhabitants of the area, including Buttercup (“did I make a whoopsie?”) and Inigo. Inigo starts to rush toward the sound, but is blocked by milling peasants. Fezzik proves that he’s there for a reason: he’s great at parting crowds and bonking albinos on the head.

Inigo kneels down and prays to his sword (?), which doesn’t work so well in finding the incredibly not-hidden secret door planted in the middle of a tree. But he gets in anyway, and they find Wesley somewhat deceased. Yes, again.

Grandkid has a major spaz-out at this revelation, echoing most geeks in their livingroom whenever a beloved character of theirs dies on a TV show. Grandpa even goes so far as to spoil the end of the book: Humperdink will live. Bummer.

Fezzik and Inigo lug their ripe corpse of a strategist to a quaint little cabin where Miracle Max resides. Miracle Max… how shall I put this? In a movie full of scene-stealing bit parts, Billy Crystal absolutely dominates comedy – and you can take that any way you like – even underneath a heavy layer of old man wrinkles and fluffy white hair. Miracle Max is a cantankerous fellow with an ongoing shpiel about death and gambling and lemon juice and love. Reportedly, Rob Reiner had to leave the set during Crystal’s scenes, since he (Reiner) was laughing so hard.

The long and the short of this is that Inigo doesn’t have much money to pay Max, so Max tries to wiggle out of a good life-injecting miracle. Inigo counters with a bad bald lie (“his wife is crippled… his children are on the brink of starvation”), which Max calls as he sees it. Then Inigo tells the truth: Wesley needs to live for True Love. Don’t we all?

Max reveals that Wesley is only “almost dead”, which are the less frightening version of zombies. He starts to create a story about how Wesley wants to live for gambling… “LIAR! LIARRRRR!” comes the voice of yet another shrill crone (a good fantasy movie has at least two). It’s Max’s wife! The two bicker and futz over Wesley and Max’s inability to “perform” “miracles” since Humperdink fired him.

That’s all Inigo needs: “If you save this man, then Humperdink suffers. Humiliations galore.”

Presto! One magic, chocolate-coated resurrection pill coming up. If Max only had contacts in the pharmaceutical world, you know he’d be living in his own castle by the end credits. Can you imagine what a bottle of resurrection pills would go for? It’d bankrupt the system!

As the pill will take time to do its hokus-pokus, Inigo and Fezzik have to drag a very limp Carey Elwes across the fake forest and to the fake castle. They manage to get on top of the battlements about forty feet from 60 armed troops in broad daylight, which is pretty impressive when you consider that one is dead, one is a drunk, and one is about as large as New Jersey. Take some time to check out how cheesy Wesley’s moustache is. Pop goes the pill, Wesley wakes right back up (probably with a killer of a hangover), and they consider how bad the odds are. Inigo sums up, to which Wesley notes, “That doesn’t leave much time for dilly-dallying.”

By the by, if you’re not laughing at Fezzik’s continued excitement and verbal encouragement of Wesley’s physical healing, I pity your soul.

“What I wouldn’t give for a holocaust cloak,” Wesley complains. Up to this point in my life, this is the single and only place I’ve ever heard of that term, and according to an extensive search of one page of a Google search, that’s pretty much the same for everybody else. In any case, Fezzik immediately whips out a large cloak from under his shirt (what else does he have down there, Brazilian soccer teams?), which he apparently received from Miracle Max even though they were in a hurry and at no time did Fezzik wander away from Inigo… oh, well, we’ll just go with it. Holocaust cloak. Yes. A plan is formed.

A plan that depends largely on Fezzik being set on fire, 60 guards having no spine whatsoever, and the only guy with a gate key being on the outside of the gate. Happily, the script ordered just such an arrangement of events. The boys do a… a whatever you call that thing where you all put your hands in the middle and yell “Go team us!”

“I hope we win!” Fezzik exclaims. Me too, buddy.

Inside the castle, Humperdink and Buttercup are enjoying a night-time ceremony (really? At night?). In perhaps one of the most famous scenes in this movie – and yes, I’ve been saying that a LOT in this viewing – a very pompous-looking priest with impressive sideburns looks solemnly over the crowd… and then opens his mouth to unleash a very silly accent upon us all. “MAWWAGE. Mawwage is what bwings us togethah, today…” Seriously, I wish the deleted scenes had the entirety of this ceremony, because I could listen to this guy talk for a good hour or so. Bet he does a killer homily on Leviticus.

Outside – by the sounds of it, about six feet away from the castle chapel – Fezzik and his Holocaust Cloak™ is wheeled in by a concealed Wesley and Inigo. I’m not quite sure why they had to have a wheelbarrow, as Andre the Giant is already, y’know, a giant. I guess that’s how he just rolls. Inigo sets Fezzik on fire, as Fezzik continues to try to master monosyllabic words. “THE GREAT PIRATE ROBERTS IS HEREYOU’RE YOUR SOULLLLLLL!” Naturally, the guards freak, and the boys storm the castle.

Buttercwup, shrewd as always, chooses the middle of a marriage ceremony, surrounded by guards, a priest and rulers, to antagonize Humperdink further. Sheesh, girl, it’s like you want him to kill Wesley a good ten times before you’ll be happy! Two seconds later, she’s married and in shock that Wesley didn’t come, because every other guy she’s dated has bounced back from the dead sprinting like an Olympic marathoner to return to her presence for more abuse. If Wesley wanted the best revenge on her, leaving her in a loveless marriage and soon to be pseudo-assassinated would be prudent.

In one of the castle’s hallways (probably the only one built, to be honest), Inigo cuts down four guards in record time, spies Count Rugen, and gives his whole “this is who I am, this is what you did, and now you’re gonna get spanked before a theatrical audience” speel. Rugen, who has more smarts than any ten people in this movie, hikes up his skirt and flees. How awesome is that?

Fezzik helps Inigo by knocking down a door, but loses Wesley in the process. In another hallway but definitely the same set, Buttercup mopes alongside the king, kisses him on the cheek, and announces her impending suicide.

Wait, what?

I guess she was really into the Leonardo and Clare version of Romeo + Juliet. Buck up, girl! Be a man! What, you don’t get your way because you condemned your love to be executed and now it’s all about “woe is me and I must end it all”? At least take down Humperdink with you, if you must. The king is just happy he got a bit of lip-action. It’s good to be the king.

Rugen and Inigo run through several sets before Rugen turns around to throw a dagger into Inigo’s midsection. I’ll admit, this whole bit is just excellently done. It’s not expected (the first time around, at least), and you really think the bad guy might just get away with it after all – this being an unconventional flick. However… however, Inigo wards off a killing blow with a flick of his sword, repeats his line over and over again, and finds the will to stand up and fight with renewed vigor, even though we can’t imagine what sort of lower colon trauma is occurring. Watching Rugen unravel under both a physical and verbal assault is one of the great revenge scenes of movie history. Note that Inigo gives Rugen the same exact wounds Rugen gave him (two cheek slices, two shoulder pokes, sword in the belly).

Elsewhere, Buttercup preps to kill herself, which is unfortunately put to a halt by Wesley – why, Wesley, why? – with the awesome line of “There’s a shortage of perfect breasts in this world, ‘twould be a pity to damage yours.” And now we know why Wesley keeps her around. But this wouldn’t be a classic Buttercup reunion if she didn’t give him a concussion while making out, and thus she does.

Wesley slowly walks the mentally slow Buttercup through realizing that she didn’t actually get married, even though her eyes lose focus for a minute there. Humperdink walks in, and in one of the best scenes in movie history (okay, okay, last time I’ll say that), Wesley disarms and captures him with only words – scary, terrifying words, I’ll admit. “I’ll use small words so you’ll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon.” It really is a great speech.

Wesley gets up, brandishes his weapon, and growls “Drop. Your. Sword.” I love how Humperdink gets very childlike here – “I knew you were bluffing! I knew it!” A reunion takes place – Inigo runs in (“Hey guys, do you know where the urgent care center is? My spleen just popped out…”) and Fezzik shows up with four horses. Buttercup leaps out of a window into Fezzik’s arms, who then spikes her and does a touchdown dance. Wesley passes on the Dread Pirate Roberts legacy to Inigo, everyone rides into the sunset, and there Wesley and Buttercup…

Hold it! Hold it! Oh, I guess it’s okay to kiss now, says the grandson. They kiss (Wesley and Buttercup, not the grandfather/grandson), and the grandson asks if he could hear the story again tomorrow.

“As you wish.”

And that’s why I’ll be showing this movie to my own grandkids some day.

P.S. – I apologize for the sheer length of this viewing. It took me, no lie, about a year or so to write, not because I was that slow, but just because I took about 8 months between working on it, only to rediscover it recently. Loads of fun – totally reinvigorated my love of this wonderful film.

The Scoop: 2008 PG, directed by Gil Kenan and starring Bill Murray, Tim Robbins and Harry Treadaway

Tagline: Escape Is The Only Option

Summary Capsule: Two kids save their city and humanity when no adults will listen to them.

Lissa’s Rating: The costume people raided the old Battlestar Galactica wardrobes, I think.

Lissa’s Review: Fantasy gets a bad rap for some reason, especially among the movie-going public. Unless it’s preceded by Harry Potter and the…, fantasy movies almost always get lukewarm reviews. Oh, sure, you have your exceptions, like Pan’s Labyrinth. But in general, the critics and so many people just don’t like fantasy. Now, me, I love fantasy, so it’s only natural that I’m going to say what I say next: I just don’t get that. Why are magic and dragons and all that considered so much more unbelievable than the lifestyles on Sex In the City? Okay, maybe I can answer that, but why are fantasy novels deemed so irrelevant by so many people?

Well they are, and it’s a shame, because when a movie like City of Ember comes out, it gets lambasted as boring and trite, and really, I found it to be neither. I’m not saying it’s a work of cinematic genius, but I am saying that I really enjoyed it and would see it again in a heartbeat, as long as there was nothing else playing I wanted to spend money on. (Obligatory fantasy statement: I have not yet read the book, so I have no idea how loyal an adaptation it is.)

City of Ember takes place in an underground city after humanity has devolved into nuclear winter. It’s a pretty fascinating premise, and actually a little reminiscent of the Noah’s Ark idea I liked in Deep Impact. However, in the two hundred years that the survivors and their descendents have been down here, some things have gone wrong. For one, the city’s infrastructure is starting to go. But the bigger thing is the Escape Plan – and the whole reason for being down here in the first place – was lost when one of the Mayors of Ember died unexpectedly. But no one really knows that, since it was kept in a locked box, so the crumbling infrastructure (particularly the generator) is of more interest to the townspeople.

So, enter Doon Harrow (Harry Treadaway). Doon wants to work with the generator, but he has to accept the job he’s given. In a typical dystopian future society move, jobs are not selected but assigned. In this case, children pull them out of a hat. Doon is assigned the job of messenger, which he promptly swaps with his friend Lina (Saoirse Ronan) for a pipe worker’s job. As the two begin to fit themselves into their roles, they both happen across important clues for the survival of humanity. And of course there’s a villain who wants to stop them – Mayor Cole (Bill Murray, lazily doing a little scenery chewing).

What captivated me the most about City of Ember was the world that was created. I always like seeing worlds that have some grounding in our society, but have some interesting laws, structures, or stories born out of the circumstances. The film makers did a pretty seamless job introducing us to that world without too much clunky exposition. The city of Ember came to life quite nicely, and although I was left with some hanging questions that may or may not be cleared up in either the books or the sequels, they were minor and not too distracting. It was interesting to see how the people dealt with their dwindling resources, and I’ve gotta say, apocalyptic fiction with a bit of hope is always fun.

To be specific, I think one of the things that made City of Ember so appealing and human to me was Lina’s home situation. Like all good fantasy heroines, Lina is an orphan. However, instead of being fairly carefree or tied to an abusive family, Lina lives with her three year old sister and her grandmother, who seems to be succumbing to Alzheimer’s. The way Lina copes with that – and heck, even the situation – just made her very real to me.

'Look at the suckers. Hehe.'

If you are looking for swinging swords and lots of action, you’ll probably be disappointed. But I think that’s a fantasy stereotype, and one that’s often quite limiting. There isn’t a lot of action, but I don’t think there really needs to be. The exploration of this society and the implications that we’re left to ponder are interesting enough.

Loris Harrow is a little unclear on how microwaves work.

• Costuming by old school Battlestar Galactica. Well, that’s what it made me think of, anyway.

• Giant bugs. Yeach.
• This is presumably set in the future. So what’s with the Cold War-style pamphlets? (Rhetorical. I get the symbolism.)
• Bicycle powered answering machines!
• Yarn. Lots of yarn.
• See, girls? This is what desperation looks like. Just don’t go there, okay?
• Can you imagine some of the messages Lina had to repeat? Really, that could be entertaining.

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

No.

Intermission!

‘Ember’ is a Hungarian word which means ‘man’ and ‘human’ in English.

Doon and Lina escape from Mordor.

Lina Mayfleet: Count down to nothing, it sounds like doomsday.

Mayor Cole: We stand united against the darkness.

Loris Harrow: If you want proof, you have to pursue it.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Stardust

• Solarbabies
• Pee Wee’s Big Adventure

“But things look black, business is slack, there’s no one on the rack but meeeee!”

The Scoop: 1988 PG, Directed by Terry Gilliam and starring John Neville, Eric Idle, Sarah Polley, Oliver Reed, and Uma Thurman.

Tagline: Adventure, Comedy, Romance. He was full of it.

Summary: So it’s like that weird uncle of yours getting drunk again at Christmas and telling his usual weird stories, except they’re true and he’s dragging you along on his “adventures”. Only this is much cooler than that would be.

Heather’s Rating: I can’t be bothered. It’s Wednesday.

Heather’s Review: I can’t believe I’ve never seen this before. How many times has that been said in a review, I wonder? Regardless, I mean it one hundred percent. This movie is the best surprise I’ve had in a while.

A friend of my husband’s and mine came over Sunday to store some stuff at our house for a couple of months. Once everything was brought in he plopped down a huge case of DVDs and told me we could keep that at the house, too, knowing how much I love movies. I feel like I won the lottery. Our friend said something along the lines of “I have the Adventures of Baron Munchausen in there, too!” Without much enthusiasm I told him I’d heard of that before, but never seen it. He gasped and began furiously flipping through his DVD case to find it. “You have to see it!” He cried. “Mandatory!” Thus began my forced watching and unforced loving of this film.

As the first scene began I thought “Oh great. He has me watching some depressing period piece. I’m not in the mood for Les Miserables today.” Then we see a girl mark out “son” on one of the many town announcements and write in “daughter”. As her face turns toward the camera the music gets a hit of whimsy and she smiles. So then I thought “Well then this is like Amadeus. Goofy and enjoyable, but still going to be depressing overall. ” I was so wrong. This movie, in fact, was a monster unlike any I could have imagined.

The story begins with a play that pays tribute to the amazing adventures of Baron Munchausen. In the middle of it all a crotchety old man comes storming in (as crotchety old men are wont to do) . Waving his arms about and shouting that he is the real Baron he heads up onto the stage, upsetting everyone and eventually using his sword on a poor, defenseless stage nose. The curtain falls and eventually the geriatric adventurer comes out in full Baron regalia to tell the audience how it all really went down. I won’t go too far into detail. I don’t want to spoil this movie for you. You have to see this play out to fully appreciate it. But suffice it to say this is not your typical “someone interrupts the present to tell us about the past” movie. The past and the present and fantasy and fiction become so intertwined that I promise you you’ll be guessing throughout the movie. It’s like Monty Python and the Holy Grail and The Princess Bride had an illegitimate child nursed by The Labyrinth.

The camerawork in this film is amazing. It plays with your mind and emotions, causing you to think and feel something one second and then turning it all upside down the next. I was particularly impressed by the camera work that seamlessly brought the movie from the stage where Baron was telling his tale to the sultan’s palace in Constantinople. The scenery is gorgeous. Imaginative and beautiful. You’ll fall in love with fairy tales again.

Speaking of the Constantinople scene, I cannot ever laugh as hard as I did at seeing Baron’s face while the sultan played “The Torturer’s Apprentice” on an organ. Made of humans. Having knives and anvils attack them at every key he played. The camera just holds on his face and I can’t help but laugh out loud every time.

Speaking of John Neville, who plays Baron, he did a spot-on job a the Baron. The whole cast is fantastic, actually. You have John Neville, Eric Idle, Jonathon Pryce, Oliver Reed (who was also amazing), Uma Thurman…I could go on but you get my point. This was a very good cast. Uma Thurman alone is going to keep this movie alive on youtube. At least for the 60 or so seconds that she’s sans clothing. There! Got all the males to watch this. Half my job is done.

Save for the first time Sally destroys Death, the special effects are great. So impressive that I don’t have to follow that last sentence with “for the time”. Some other reviewers *cough*who use thumbs as ratings*cough* say the effects overshadow the film. They do not! In a fantasy the intention is to make what isn’t real seem real by way of the effects. Be it effects told in excruciating detail by a talented storyteller or effects created through a well talented movie effects team, the result is the same. Your imagination gets to be told/shown what’s going on while trying to fill in the rest.

I love the juxtaposition of fantasy and reality. Probably my favorite example is when Berthold is chasing down a speeding bullet and tries to grab it. Of course when he tries to grab it he yelps and lets go immediately, it being really darned hot as a speeding bullet would be. So we’re to believe a man can catch up with a bullet but not be able to hold it. It’s just the kind of thing that really surprises a person watching this movie. You never know what part of reality they’ll twist and what will stay the same.

For any cult fan this movie is an absolute have-to-see. If you’re like me then a lot of times the quotes can sell you on a movie. And this movie’s loaded chock-full of stuff to relentlessly spout out in any social occasion.

Read Clare’s review of this movie here!

I think I can I think I can I think I CAN!

Didja Notice:

• Vulcan arguing with his workers like a company vs. the union

• Why does old Adolphus sound like Daffy Duck with layrngitis(?)
• Sting as the heroic officer!
• Vulcan created the nuclear missile.

Groovy Quotes:

Sally confronting her father about the playbill: So why does it say Henry salt and son? I’m your daughter.
Henry: I knew I should never have taught you to read.

Baron to the three ladies: You so remind me of Catherine the Great, empress of all the Russias, whose hand in marriage I once had the honor to decline.



'SOFT! What LIGHT Through yonder window BREAKS?!'

Desmond: They all remind you?
Baron: Yes, why not!? Some bits here, some bits there.

Sultan: We begin with the arrival of the eunuch’s chorus, who sing ‘Cut Off In My Prime’

King of the Moon: No, let me go! I’ve got tides to regulate! Comets to direct! I don’t have time for flatulence and orgasms! I hate that face you make me make!

Baron to the sleepy guards: “Gentleman, don’t you think it would be a good idea to silence those enemy cannons?”
Sleepy Guard: No, sir.
Baron: No?
Sleepy Guard: It’s Wednesday.



I had this same look on my face when I saw Epic Movie

Baron: I didn’t fly miles. It was more like a mile and a half. And I didn’t precisely fly. I merely held on to a mortar shell in the first instance and then a canonball on the way back.

Baron: Reality, sir, is lies and balderdash! And I’m delighted to say that I have no grasp of it whatsoever!

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Monty Python and The Holy Grail
• The Princess Bride
• Labyrinth