STRANGERS IN PARADISE

To sum up Strangers in Paradise is no easy task, but in essence it’s a love story that also happens to be a crime thriller. Except instead of a hardboiled private eye, our hero(ine) is Katchoo, a blonde artist who looks like a model but takes no crap from ANYONE, including you, mister. She also happens to be hopelessly in love with best friend Francine and makes no secret of it; however, Francine loves Katchoo as a friend but is avowedly straight, not at all interested in the love that dare not speak its name. Things get complex when art student David enters their lives and falls head over heels for Katchoo, who for her part couldn’t be less interested. But David isn’t about to let a little thing like sexual orientation stand in the way of true love, and meanwhile Francine doesn’t think David is such a bad catch himself. Everything heats up when Katchoo’s past catches up to her, as we learn she once worked as a high-priced escort/bodyguard for Darcy Parker, one of the biggest crimelords in America, and may have stolen quite a bit of money on her way out. That’s just the tip of the iceberg, though, and before the series is over all of the characters will go through their share of humor, heartbreak, and intrigue.

Much like the comic Blue Monday that I described previously, SiP has nary a cape or supernatural element in sight, taking place in a world that could just as well be our own. (Okay, there’s one superhero parody and one Xena parody, but they’re both dream sequences.) What gives it life, and why it could easily be a great movie, is the characters with all their individual flaws and foibles. Some of those are physical- while Katchoo is a twig, Francine struggles with her weight throughout the series, and while not obese, is never what one would call skinny either. But creator Terry Moore makes it clear through numerous would-be paramours (Katchoo foremost among them) that Francine’s inner beauty shines through and makes her remarkably attractive, in large part due to her compassion and loving personality. (Granted, the boobs don’t hurt either.) Far more interesting, though, are the characters’ personality flaws. While generally good people, all of them have skeletons in their closets and something they’re unwilling to let go of, whether it’s the dream of a relationship with Francine, or Katchoo, or Mr. Right, or something else entirely. The series also does an excellent job of portraying both straight and gay relationships in a highly realistic manner, earning it numerous awards from GLAAD in addition to its Eisner Award for Best Serialized Story.

For all that I love SiP, I do have a few tiny complaints, primarily stemming from the intense “making it up as he goes along” vibe that pervades the series. On multiple occasions we’re given glimpses of the future only to have later events preclude things from actually happening that way, and the series introduces more characters and subplots that are dropped without explanation than any other I’ve ever read. (Wasn’t Katchoo a recovering alcoholic at one point?) I realize this is a backhanded complaint, but Moore brings so much vitality and depth to his characters that when they suddenly disappear without explanation, it’s jarring. Maybe it’s some meta-commentary on how people drift in and out of your life without warning, but by the end you’ll find yourself wondering why minor characters who appear for two issues are developed better than Brad, a major plot-driving character for over half the series. On a related note, the cycle of endless fights and reconciliations gets so repetitive that the characters themselves are forced to address it eventually. And while Katchoo is Moore’s pet character, I’ll admit that for most of the series she was my least favorite. Yes, she’s creative, witty, capable of extreme kindness… she’s also ungodly temperamental, borderline abusive, and (intentionally or not) shows David juuuust enough affection to keep him around while always leaving him wanting more. I know she’s had a tough life and she does improve near the end of the series, but more than once I found myself wishing David would shake off his Katchoo obsession and notice the attractive, stable brunette sitting next to him.

But in the end, those are minor quibbles about a truly remarkable series. If you’re someone who, even with the silly masks and codenames removed, just can’t bring yourself to read any comic involving fantastic powers or situations, do yourself a huge favor and check out Strangers in Paradise. If you don’t believe me, you can take bestselling author and snappy dresser Neil Gaiman’s word for it: “What most people don’t know about love, sex, and relations with other human beings would fill a book. Strangers in Paradise is that book.” ‘Nuff said.

“One man by himself is nothing. Two people who belong together make a world.”

PLANETARY

If your idea of a good time is raiding tombs or lost arks and learning the history of something that never was, have I got the series for you. Elijah Snow, Jakita Wagner, and the Drummer (first name “The,” last name “Drummer”) collectively comprise the field team of Planetary, who bill themselves as “Archaeologists of the Impossible.” Their self-imposed mission is to investigate and document the secret history of the world, all those things that have either through circumstance or careful manipulation remained hidden from the rest of us. In practice, this is an excuse for writer Warren Ellis to play around with the tropes and genre expectations of fiction and plumb just how deep the rabbit hole goes. No corner of literature, cinema, or comics is safe from Planetary’s investigations, and all of them come across looking more interesting than you might originally have thought.

Need an example of what to expect? Elijah Snow’s first mission with the group involves a secret alliance of pulp heroes (thinly-veiled versions of the Shadow, Tarzan, Fu Manchu, Doc Savage, and more) who invented a computer that uses alternate realities to predict the future, only to give their lives fighting off an invasion of Justice League analogues from one of the realities. Later cases include a mysterious island near Japan where giant monsters suddenly appeared in 1950 only to die out by the mid-70s, and a Hong Kong cop who was killed by his partner, but whose ghost appears every night to avenge murders with phantom (but very real) guns until someone else is betrayed and murdered to take his place. As the series progresses the intrigue only deepens, because it turns out Planetary doesn’t just investigate mysteries, they ARE one. Who’s the mysterious “Fourth Man” who funds their operations? Why did they choose to recruit Elijah, and what happened to the previous Third Man? (Killed while investigating the government’s ill-fated attempt at sending a crew into an entirely fictional universe.) And how can they possibly stand against the Four, amoral versions of the Fantastic Four who serve as the dark counterpoint to Planetary’s efforts, explorers who keep their discoveries only for themselves and actively work to cover up or annihilate supernatural beings and occurrences.

If you’ve ever lamented that the two X-Files movies weren’t that great, take note: Planetary is everything the X-Files wanted to be and more. Instead of a gullible wiener who’s a little too fixated on his sister and a bitchy skeptic, you get a century-old newbie, a sardonic British woman who can drop kick a rhino across the Grand Canyon, and a slightly insane young man who would really, really like to be alone with that sexy television of yours. (Okay, Jakita’s also kind of bitchy, but she looks better in leather than Scully.) Rather than bring locked into investigating an alien/mutation/urban legend every week, the comic’s broad remit allows Ellis to explore any genre he wants, and he has quite a vivid imagination. Ergo, a film version could feature Elijah’s recruitment and the pulp hero case to get him up to speed, but then transition into Planetary’s attempts to shut down the Four while Elijah slowly starts to recover his memories… including being trained by Sherlock Holmes and his unrevealed prior connection to Planetary. This movie needs to happen, if only to show that a film version of a comic devoted to exploring the realms of fiction can actually be done right, rather than… well.

”These people need putting down. And you’re getting this briefing now for three reasons. You’re a cranky son of a bitch and no-one really likes you — but we trust you now. You’re always complaining that we never do anything proactive. And we just found out where the Four are. You want to go get them?”

HITMAN

Yet again I’m cheating a bit, in the sense that Hitman was published by DC, one of the big two comic companies. Since it skated along for five years on the outskirts of the DC universe with only rare appearances by superheroes, I’m giving it a pass… besides, it has way more in common with Garth Ennis’ other infamous series, Preacher. Both feature healthy doses of ultra-violence, heroes who don’t take crap from anyone, and philosophical musings hidden between hilariously bizarre scenarios, but Hitman is both slightly more restrained (no cursing or nudity to be found) and played more for laughs. It’s also considered by some to be the better of the two series; that’s debatable, but what’s not is that it’s a hella funny comic with gratuitous violence, outre situations, characters with actual depth, and a surprising amount of heart. Like a Quentin Tarantino flick without the unearned sense of artistic smugness.

Hitman tells the story of Tommy Monaghan, a professional contract killer who accidentally acquires x-ray vision and low-level telepathy and decides to use them to specialize in killing superhuman and paranormal targets… for a modest fee, of course. The thing is, Tommy’s powers are entirely incidental to most stories and, like his codename, are almost forgotten about as the series progresses. Instead, the draw of Hitman is Tommy himself, a smart, funny, and — there’s no way around it — likable professional assassin. Like John Cusack’s character in Grosse Pointe Blank, Tommy has a way of making us empathize with him even as he ends people’s lives, and Ennis writes a poor Irish Catholic son-of-an-immigrant as only an Irishman can. It’s one of life’s great ironies that foreign writers are often the most gifted at articulating exactly what makes this the land of opportunity, and Ennis is one of the best at capturing the greatness of America’s melting pot without glossing over the country’s flaws. As well, there’s the fact that Tommy’s personal ethics lead him to only accept contracts on people who are killers themselves or otherwise (in his mind at least) deserve to die. It doesn’t make it right to cheer him on, of course, but damned if you won’t anyway. It’s an incredibly funny series, but Ennis also knows exactly when to pause the laughs and remind you that, hey- at the end of the day, this man kills people for money. And one of Hitman’s best moments occurs when best friend Natt the Hatt confronts Tommy with the hypocrisy of his self-imposed moral code.

There’s no shortage of great Hitman stories to translate to the silver screen, as Tommy and his assassin pals got themselves into one impossible scrape after another. A personal favorite is a night job at Gotham Aquarium where a chemical spill has mutated the sealife into zombie penguins and dolphins and harp seals; it’s like Evil Dead 2 meets, I don’t know, pixie farts. Something. Anyway, just cast a charming rogue who can pull off an Irish accent but who isn’t a d-bag (not so fast, Colin Farrell) and give Ennis the writing reins. I will caution, however, that one inclusion in the movie is non-negotiable. You see, the success of Hitman can be traced to exactly one thing, which is that it introduced the world to the single greatest superhero to ever grace the printed page: Dogwelder. The result of a bar bet between Garth Ennis and a friend that no one could come up with a stupider superhero name than “Green Lantern,” Dogwelder’s schtick is that he… well, he welds dead dogs to criminals’ faces. This is wonderful and magic. If you do not see the beauty in Dogwelder, stop reading my article immediately.

“You know you my best friend in the entire world, Tommy. Hell, you my brother. I got your back from now ’til the day we both be checkin’ out. But sometimes you so full of it you make me wanna throw up, man. This whole thing you got, this line you draw — like you ain’t gonna shoot anyone good? Who the hell are you to judge that? Like you don’t mind wastin’ wiseguys an’ gangstas by the dozen, but you ain’t gonna kill no cop? What if he’s on the take? Or he likes beatin’ on any brother looks at him funny? You don’t know! An’ I mean what you talkin’ about now, like you gotta atone or somethin’? You a hitman, Tommy! You kill for money! Live wit’ it! You know it an’ I know it, an’ pullin’ crap like showin’ mercy to Big Ears over there — that ain’t gonna change it for a instant.“

MADMAN

If you ever watched the Saturday morning cartoon “Freakazoid!” back in the day, you’re at least slightly familiar with Madman, whose protagonist served as its inspiration. Following in a proud fictional tradition, Frank Einstein (get it?) is a man searching for his past. Unlike most of his forebears, the reason Frank has to search is that he’s a patchwork corpse stitched back up and reanimated by two benevolently mad scientists. Naming him after their two heroes (Frank Sinatra and Albert Einstein), the scientists don’t have time to educate Frank properly because they borrowed heavily from a mafia boss to finance their experiments, and it turns out mobsters aren’t the patient type. Finding his resurrection left him with no memories but imbued him with enhanced reflexes and agility, as well as psychic sensitivity, Frank creates a costume to hide his hideous appearance modeled after the one thing he remembers liking in his past life, a comic book superhero. Thus properly attired, he sets out on a mission to save his creators and ultimately figure out for what higher purpose he’s been given a new lease on life.

Reading over the above description, it sounds pretty melodramatic and serious, but nothing could be further from the truth. In actuality, Madman is all about brightness and pop fun, a lighthearted romp through the surreal side of life. Naturally there’s danger to overcome and villains to be defeated, but Frank’s adventures have an airy quality to them, and the character himself is genuinely a nice, down-to-earth guy… whether he’s having a leisurely picnic with girlfriend Joe or clashing with a gang of mutant street beatniks, Frank always looks on the bright side of life. He doesn’t even have a secret identity- the mask is simply to cover his scars, and while newspapers call him “the Madman of Snap City,” to friends he’s just Frank (and anyone who wants to be is his friend). Creator Mike Allred is indisputably one of the most talented artists in comics — while on the surface Madman’s art may seem plain, it’s refreshing to see clean lines without the need for excessive detail at times, and it perfectly suits the tone of the comic. (That said, one of Allred’s greatest strengths is the ability to replicate nearly any drawing style. One Madman story saw the characters drawn differently in nearly every single panel, each one mimicking the artistic style of a popular comic or children’s book. You haven’t lived till you’ve seen Frank with Popeye arms or in the style of Peanuts characters.) That tone is escapism, by the by, mixed with a healthy dose of existentialism. My one criticism of the book is that it delves a little too deeply into philosophical musings at times, but you can’t come down on it too hard for being both fun to read and overly smart… would that more comics were like that.

I’m not going to lie, you probably couldn’t capture everything that makes Madman so ginchy keen in a film, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth trying. It would have to be animated, as I don’t see Frank’s hyper-colored escapades translating well to real life. That was tried once before with a low-budget live action adaptation of one of Allred’s other creations, the G-Men From Hell, with decidedly mixed results. No, animation is the way to truly do justice to the world’s snappiest comic magazine. Traditional cel animation would do the trick nicely, but The Incredibles proved that CGI is up to the task of handling the hyper-kinetic pop sensibilities of the superhero, so perhaps Frank’s destiny lies in that direction. Either way, Mike Allred (and ideally wife/colorist Laura Allred) has to be onboard as at least Art Director, or we’re not interested, Hollywood. Make a note of that.

“Meanies never win. And you can quote me on that.”

Our fifth entry was going to be Jonah Hex, the legendary scarred gunfighter who was a hero to some, a villain to others, and wherever he rode people spoke his name in whispers. As every man, woman or child knows, he had no friends, this Jonah Hex, but he did have two companions — one was death itself… the other, the acrid smell of gunsmoke. It was going to be Hex, but while doing research for this article I learned that the previously in-limbo Hex movie is now officially set for release in 2010. So, no go. (Although you should still check Jonah Hex out, he’s great.) In its place, we’re going to take a look at the first manga to grace this list:

MAIL ORDER NINJA

I usually steer well clear of manga, but I’m making an exception for Mail Order Ninja because it is quite literally made of awesome. It’s also all-ages, so a movie adaptation would be a great family film in the Pixar mold, aimed toward kids but with jokes that appeal to adults. M.O.N. puts us in the shoes of Timmy McCallister, your average fifth-grader at L. Frank Baum Elementary School. Timmy’s a nice young kid who digs ninjas and comics graphic novels, but he’s sick of getting pushed around by everyone, from rich girl Felicity Huffington to school bully Brock, who’s formed an unholy alliance with Timmy’s bratty sister Lindsay. Fed up, Timmy enters a contest to gain the exclusive services of world famous ninja Yoshida Jiro for a year, and (since it wouldn’t be much of a story otherwise) wins! Soon things are a bit different around school, where Brock’s American Bullying Association license is permanently revoked. With the halls safe for normal kids to walk without fear for their lunch money, Timmy beats out Felicity for class president in a landslide, and plans to celebrate his victory with an immense party after the school dance. But Felicity isn’t ready to cede control without a fight, importing Jiro’s nemesis Nobunaga and the entire White Dragon Clan to help her regain power. Something tells me this school dance is about to get totally ninja…

It’s hard to describe what makes M.O.N. so great, aside from the cliche that author Joshua Elder really does have a great grasp on the voice and motivations of a 10-year-old. The book is crammed with funny asides, many in the form of text boxes that crop up next to characters at random times, pop-up video style. Elder is clearly a Generation Y-er who grew up on the same stuff we did and loves paying homage to it; a perfect example is Timmy’s graphic novel about Jiro’s adventures, where both the dialogue and action mirror Optimus Prime’s assault on Megatron in the 1986 Transformers movie. Occasionally the references feel a bit ham-fisted (”There’ll be no more dark sarcasm in this classroom!” “Hey, teacher! Leave them kids alone.”), but they’re nearly always funny, which excuses a lot. The story itself is kid friendly, by which I mean there won’t be any plot points you don’t see coming, but A) it’s written for young adults, and B) it packs enough laughs that odds are you won’t care. The violence is cartoony, and the stories themselves are quick reads. (Two volumes are out so far; a third was due earlier this year but has been pushed back to November.) I don’t really have much else to add- farm M.O.N. out to Dreamworks or Pixar and let them do what they do best. This one’s got my personal guarantee, you can’t go wrong.

“Son, owning a ninja is a big responsibility. Remember what happened with the iguana?”

As a special bonus, here’s one indie comic that definitely should NOT be made into a movie:

FLAMING CARROT

The Flaming Carrot’s origins are shrouded in mystery. Some say he was once an ordinary man who went insane after reading 5000 comics in one sitting to win a bet. One thing is certain: for reasons all his own, he took to wearing a giant fiery carrot mask and flippers (in case he has to swim) and dispensing two-fisted justice to anyone who threatens Palookaville, a suburb of Iron City. Occasionally taking direction from a mysterious speaker he found implanted in his chest after awaking from a three-day bender, the Carrot is a hard-hitting, hard-living, hard-loving hero who likes his drinks stiff and his women loose. With his trademark battle cry of “Ut!”, he wages lethal yet comedic war on any evildoer who’s man enough to take him on.

I actually really dig the Carrot, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to see him on celluloid anytime soon. The problem is that essentially all of the humor in FC’s adventures is based on surreality. That’s fine as far as it goes, but the surreality isn’t a vehicle for the humor, it IS the humor. For instance, while wandering through a dreamlike dimension, the Carrot might pass by a woman breastfeeding a dictionary. That’s slightly funny from an oddity standpoint, but it’s not the setup for a gag… that IS the gag. With the Carrot’s habit of talking almost exclusively in non-sequiturs, some of them zen but most of them just nonsense, you really have to have a high tolerance for absurdist humor to get much out of his adventures. They’re usually best in small doses, and I definitely can’t see many members of your average audience getting into the Carrot’s vibe. Ultimately, this one’s better left on the comic page.

Interestingly, FC almost, sort of was the inspiration for a movie. See, the Carrot was a founding member of the Mysterymen, a group of working-class heroes with the highest mortality rate of any superteam in history. Alongside members like the Shoveler, Jumpin’ Jehosaphat, and Mr. Furious, who gets so mad at crime he becomes bulletproof, FC battled such menaces as an army of Hitler’s cloned feet. The Mysterymen (with a space added into their name) ultimately did get a movie, but the Carrot was rudely not included, perhaps because ’90s special effects weren’t capable of doing justice to a 5′ carrot mask with flames perpetually shooting out the top. Maybe it’s for the best — the film didn’t have much in common with its avant garde source material, and the world may not be ready for FC’s bizarre brand of vigilantism. But know that whenever evil threatens hot women, the Carrot will be leading the charge on his nuclear-powered pogo stick, ready to win the day through his peculiar blend of raw grit, blinding stupidity, and dumb luck.

Ut!

“In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil’s might, beware my power… Green Lantern’s light!”

The Scoop: 2009 PG-13, directed by Lauren Montgomery and starring Christopher Meloni, Victor Garber and Michael Madsen

Tagline: Beware His Power

Summary Capsule: Fearless test pilot Hal Jordan inherits a power ring that lets him do damn near anything, but first must undergo training with shifty hardass Sinestro. Nothing bad could possibly happen.

Drew’s Rating: “And I shall shed my light over dark evil, for the dark things cannot stand the light, the light of the Green Lantern!”

Drew’s Review: Historically, Green Lantern has been one of DC Comics’ foremost b-listers. You have the Big 3 (Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman), who are untouchable and will never die or go away for long. Beyond them lie the second tier characters like Aquaman and Green Arrow, the ones whose names are recognizable but who aren’t as sacred cows, meaning they can actually die, lose limbs, or be replaced for extended periods of time. Sitting at the very top of that list have traditionally been two names: Green Lantern and the Flash. The Brave and the Bold. In recent years DC has made a major push to have Green Lantern take his place with the big boys in hopes of creating another franchise character, and as part of that we have Green Lantern: First Flight, GL’s first animated movie. (Incidentally, the Flash has just started what looks to be a similar revitalization, so don’t be surprised if 2011 brings us “The Flash: Starting Line” or something.)

Obligatory background: Green Lantern was one of DC’s first superheroes, but the end of the ’40s saw all of them except Supes, Bats, and Wondy cease publication. A decade later, someone at DC decided to borrow the names of the old “mystery men” and update them into streamlined, space age heroes for a new generation, giving us sleek police scientist the Flash, shrinking physicist the Atom, aliens Hawkman and Hawkgirl… and Green Lantern, a test pilot who was chosen to join a galactic police force run by the Guardians, immortal aliens dedicated to keeping peace throughout the universe. By charging his power ring once every 24 hours, Hal Jordan could fly and create anything his mind could imagine, but the ring carried an impurity that made it vulnerable to the color yellow. Periodically other Green Lanterns would temporarily replace Hal: John Stewart, the token angry black guy who overcame his 2-dimensional roots to become a well-rounded character. Guy Gardner, who damaged the part of his brain that controls how much of a douchebag you are and at one point had the bright idea to take the most powerful weapon in the universe off his finger and challenge Batman to a fist fight. (Hint: this became known as the “one punch” incident.) Kyle Rayner, the lucky punk who inherited a magic ring by accident when Hal went insane, but (some would say) eventually rose to the challenge. All did respectable tours of duty, but the best known and most popular Lantern remains Hal, and he’s the focus of our movie.

Like any superhero with five decades of history, Hal’s early days have been retold many times and altered by degrees along the way, like a literary version of Telephone. What Green Lantern: First Flight tries to do is simplify things, jettisoning the parts that don’t work and dispensing with his origin within the first 5 minutes, allowing the rest of the film to focus on his training and early struggles in the Green Lantern Corps. Thus the movie plays out like a hodge podge of several early GL stories, with rookie Hal assigned to veteran Sinestro, the greatest Green Lantern of all, to learn the ropes of ring slinging and investigate his predecessor’s murder. Yes, that’s right – the Guardians, displaying the infinite wisdom accrued over countless millennia, have elected to put a guy named “Sinestro” in charge of the most powerful army in the universe, presumably because there’s no way that could backfire. Surprisingly it does, as Hal discovers that Sinestro maintains order with an iron fist and secretly despises the Guardians, thinking them too weak to truly effect change. After obtaining a yellow ring (and a power battery shaped like the Death Star), Sinestro openly defies the Guardians and lays waste to the Corps. All seems lost, but if only there were some brash young hotshot who’s a bit of a rebel himself, but with enough morality to still fight for what’s right. Wait, you don’t think…?

In a rare moment of frankness, I’ll just come out with it: I thought the film was pretty good, but definitely started stronger than it finished. This is largely due to its strange habit of oversimplifying some elements of the Green Lantern mythos while simultaneously overcomplicating others. Why would Sinestro bring his power battery into battle with him rather than hiding it somewhere safe, since he can create any weapon he wants with his ring? (For that matter, why does it bear a black GL symbol? Sinestro’s not a Lantern anymore, and his uniform gets a new emblem.) We don’t ever see the Green Lanterns recharging their rings before the climax, so the concept of them running out of juice may come out of left field for some viewers. And good grief, could the Guardians be bigger pusses? These are the immortal demigods who power 3600 interstellar policemen, and the best they can do is shoot some vaguely wavy energy and save their own useless troops from falling to their deaths? Why does Hal want to join these losers again? Go back to the Air Force, Jordan, they have REAL badasses there.

I realize this “review” has been about 60% history lesson, 40% actual review, and I don’t know, maybe I’m just burned out on animated superhero movies. (It’s not just me, there have there been a lot of them lately, right?) Regardless, First Flight was enjoyable but just didn’t bring it home at the end. It hurts to say that because I have a lot of time for Hal as a character, but this is not his best story. Like I said, it isn’t a bad film – the animation is impressive, they got some really talented voice actors, and the first 2/3rds really works for me. But it doesn’t capture the mood and intensity of the Batman animated features, nor the grandeur of the Justice League cartoon. It also invites unfavorable comparisons to both the “In Brightest Day” episode of the Superman cartoon, which told a Green Lantern origin story that’s nearly as thrilling in a third of the time, and Justice League: The New Frontier, which depicts the origin of a more fleshed-out Hal, but set against the backdrop of the greater DC universe. Stacked up against those examples, First Flight unfortunately falls a bit short. I’d still recommend you see it, but maybe as more of a rental or a discount buy. So says the Green Lantern!

Didja Notice?

• It is maybe the coolest thing ever that Ch’p, the squirrel Green Lantern, made it into the movie. The only thing better would’ve been G’Nort, the incompetent dog… thing.
• Arisia appears in a minor role, seemingly an adult. In the comics, Arisia (a humanoid alien) became a Green Lantern at age 13, but due to having a crush on Hal Jordan, subconsciously used her power ring to age herself to full adulthood, and she and Hal eventually dated. It was exactly as creepy as it sounds.
• I know it’s just a cartoon, but the scene where Sinestro basically forces drugs on an alien prostitute to make her talk is still pretty uncomfortable.
• Anyone notice how similar Sinestro’s philosophy is to Sean Connery’s from The Untouchables? “They pull a blaster, you pull a power ring. They send one of yours to the hospital, you send one of theirs to the morgue. That’s the Korugar way.”
• Hey, Red from That ’70s Show is Kanjar Ro! “Sinestro, I swear, if you betray me I’ll put my foot so far up your ass…”
• Wow… they actually showed a guy getting sucked out into the vacuum of space through a tiny hole. No blood, but still.
• Okay, so there is some blood. This movie is definitely for teenagers, not kids. In the comics Green Lantern rings were until recently programmed not to allow the use of lethal force, but clearly that’s not the case here.
• The part where Sinestro reanimates a dead corpse and plies it for information is also quite creepy. Way to earn that PG-13!
• Scratch that again, there’s a LOT of blood. We’re a long way from the days when a trickle of AB positive from Batman’s mouth was all the blood the Animated Series team was allowed to use for an entire season.
• Apparently to staff their ultimate police force, the Guardians have been recruiting heavily from preschools, ladies’ auxilary clubs, and chess teams. Seriously, one dude makes 20 Green Lanterns look like total chumps? Sinestro’s supposed to be the best Green Lantern, sure, but better than all of the others combined?
• The whole levitating rocks thing isn’t helping people not compare you to Yoda, Ganthet.
• What does it say about me that I’m more surprised by the use of the word “bastard” than all the violence and blood?
• I could live without the heavy anime influence. Getting pwned with just your “regular” superpowers and having to absorb a mysterious energy source to turbocharge you is a little too Voltron, and there’s no reason Hal freakin’ Jordan should be doing a power ring Hadoken in space. Giant green boxing gloves will do just fine, thank you.

Now you've seen what countless naive young secretaries have seen: Hal Jordan's O face

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

Nope.

Intermission!

The Green Lantern was the brainchild of Martin Nodell, who later retired from comics and went into advertising, creating the Pillsbury Doughboy. Drawing inspiration from the story of Aladdin, Nodell came up with Alan Scott, an engineer who found a strange green railroad lantern that spoke to him, claiming to have been fashioned from a meteor that struck down in ancient China. It instructed Scott to carve a ring out of its base, which he did, finding it allowed him to fly, shoot force blasts, pass through solid walls, and do pretty much whatever his writer wanted, limited only by a vulnerability to wood. Dressing himself as a gay pirate under the theory that a bizarre costume would ensure criminals never forgot him (really), Scott found success as both a solo adventurer and a founding member of the Justice Society of America, the very first superhero team. But his popularity waned by the late 40s, to the extent that he didn’t even appear on the last two covers of his own comic, being replaced by Streak the Wonder Dog. (That’s embarrassing.) As mentioned earlier, Hal Jordan was created a decade later with no connection to the original Green Lantern, but eventually Alan and other Golden Age characters were reintroduced to the DC universe. Though he has never been a member of the Green Lantern Corps, today Alan continues to fight crime and mentor the next generation as one of the elder statesmen of the Justice Society.

It isn’t really made clear in the film, but in the DC Universe green is the color of willpower, which is what Green Lanterns draw on to make their rings work. The rings are vulnerable to yellow because it represents fear, which is what every Green Lantern must be able to overcome. In recent years Sinestro has created his own Corps to oppose the Lanterns, armed with yellow rings like his own. While Green Lanterns are chosen based on their ability to overcome great fear, Sinestro Corps rings are given to beings capable of instilling great fear in others. One yellow ring sought out Batman, who rejected it; another was offered to the Scarecrow, but Batman and Green Lantern prevented it just in time. The Sinestro Corps displayed their originality in coming up with the following oath:

In blackest day, in brightest night,
Beware your fears made into light
Let those who try to stop what’s right
Burn like his power… Sinestro’s might!

Groovy Quotes

Hal: I’ll tell you, Carol, it’s quite a sight up here. All those stars, the blue water… reminds me of that night in Cabo. Remember?
Carol: Hal, stay on the flight.
Hal: A lot of sangria that night. Boy, could you put it away!
Carol: Hal!
Hal: I don’t know how we ever made it back to the hotel–
Carol: Hal, you’re at 91,400 feet. Ten feet higher, the window cracks and you’re tapioca.

Ranakar: I’m afraid the human race of Earth does not have the most stellar reputation. The fact is humans are crude, base, fearful and untrustworthy.
Random Guardian: And then there’s the smell…

Hal: So what now?
Sinestro: Now, I own your ass.

Sinestro: Unlike the others, I like humans. I admire their spirit, and their natural contempt for authority. It’s well founded here.

Sinestro: You defied me!
Hal: You could’ve killed her.
Sinestro: Let me tell you, “friend.” The only way to operate out here is by fear. They hit, I hit harder. They attack, I annihilate. I am the one constant, unassailable force against their chaos, and you made them forget that!

Ganthet: The Green Lantern Corps is an ideal, Sinestro. You don’t save it by ignoring what it stands for.

Sinestro: I could use someone like you who has the stones to get things done. While the gnomes banish you, I offer you power, more power than you can imagine. All I ask for is your loyalty.
Hal: Now, you see, you had me… right up until that last part.

Weaponeer of Qward: The weapon is a mighty force. The most powerful and absolute in your universe. With one exception. One… slight… imperfection.
Sinestro: What?
Weaponeer: The imperfection every weapon has. Its user.

Sinestro: Frankly, Kilowog, you weren’t going to survive this anyway.

Hal: In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil’s might, beware my power… Green Lantern’s light!

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Justice League: The New Frontier
• Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman
• Training Day

“No school like the old school.”

The Scoop: 2004 PG, directed by Brad Bird and starring Craig T. Nelson, Holly Hunter and Jason Lee

Tagline: Save The Day

Summary Capsule: More than a decade after superheroes went into hiding to avoid litigation and public condemnation, one super-powered family is forced to save the world, and in doing so teach us all what it means to be a superhero.

Drew’s Rating: In fairness, Kid Miracleman did the “sidekick gone bad” schtick years ago. Of course, he destroyed London; Syndrome will just give you a chocolate-covered pretzel and a lecture about karma.

Drew’s Review: In a recent article, Lissa made the quite accurate observation that as a group, the Mutant Reviewers have… well, gotten older. Oh, I like to think we still skew toward a younger audience, and thank God for that, because who else is going to influence the Plan 9 From Outer Space-watching cult fans of the future? Harry Knowles? Don’t make me laugh. And we keep a few youngsters on staff at all times for Kyle to leer at. But it’s an inescapable fact that the site begun by two college students now has a median staff age in the late 20s if not early 30s. New father Justin barely has time to crank out three reviews a week anymore. Lissa ceased watching horror films, her favorite genre, and now reviews solely Pixar movies and anything that can be DVRed. And no one’s seen PoolMan since his retirement, though the MRFH kitchen is always well stocked with soylent green.

So it got me thinking about the changes in my own life since coming on board. When I became a staff member I’d been dating a girl from work for less than a year, with college just barely in the rearview mirror. These days I still say “dude” a lot and wear my hat backwards, but my girlfriend is now my wife of three years, we have a 9-month-old daughter, and even though I’m still young (28, thank you very much) and most of my friends remain single and jobless, there’s no denying that my circumstances have changed.

Which brings us in a roundabout way to The Incredibles. In 2004, I saw the movie because I like the Fantastic Four and because Pixar can always be counted on for an entertaining movie. And I was entertained, but I walked out of the theater without feeling a particular connection to any of the characters. They were perfectly likable, they just didn’t especially embody anything I was going through. But a funny thing happened when I watched the film again recently: I found myself identifying with Mr. Incredible. Sure, our situations aren’t identical: I only have one child and she’s Jack-Jack’s age, rather than Bob’s brood of three. Despite averaging 10 pounds heavier than in my college swimming prime, I don’t think anyone would call me fat. And there’s the minor “no superpowers” angle, if you insist on bringing it up. But if I’m not exactly in Mr. Incredible’s shoes yet, I can at least view them in the not-too-distant horizon.

And what are Mr. Incredible’s circumstances? Simply put, a world that seems to have passed him by. The man who once jokingly griped that he wishes the planet could just stay saved for a while is now faced with forced retirement… and even worse, a world that hasn’t ended without him. As much as he might complain about how hard he works in practices and games, no player wants to be put out to pasture before he’s darn well ready, and Bob isn’t. He loves his family, but wife Helen seems far too accepting of their new status quo, daughter Violet echoes the classic teenage girl refrain of just wanting to fit in, and son Dash bristles over not being allowed to use his powers in everyday life. What’s a former all-star to do with his whole life ahead of him and no outlet for his talents? For most of us the answer is, “Hang out with old teammates, relive the glory days over a few beers, and play some increasingly pathetic pickup games.” So it is with Bob as well, but when an opportunity arises to get back in the game, he grabs it… an opportunity that before it’s finished will drag his wife and kids into the fray as well. But you know what they say: the family that combats the forces of evil together, stays together.

There’s not a lot I can say that hasn’t been covered by the other Mutants, so I’ll just reiterate that the animation is superb, everything you’d expect from Pixar. Likewise, the voice casting is pitch perfect- I never once heard Coach Hayden Fox coming out of Mr. Incredible’s mouth, Craig T. Nelson really makes the role his own. Holly Hunter does that spirited but pragmatic wife routine even better than in Raising Arizona, and I hope whoever thought of casting Jason Lee as the smarmy, thinks-he’s-cleverer-than-everyone villain got a large bonus. Samuel L. Jackson sounds a little weird not swearing every fifth word, but I’ll give him a pass. The film moves along at a pretty good pace, and the final action piece excites even if the antagonist itself is a bit underwhelming, just a robot sphere with tentacles. By the way, you can tell I’m a superhero geek because during the final fight, my mind wouldn’t stop coming up with ways for the good guys to destroy it given the powers at their disposal. (Violet creates a force field inside the robot then expands it outward, crushing the internal mechanisms. Dash tries every combination of buttons on the remote in half a second. Frozone freezes the robot’s metal outer layer, making it brittle enough for Mr. Incredible to shatter with one punch. Dash grabs his mom and winds her around the robot’s tentacles, making it topple like an AT-AT.)

As I mentioned, I liked but didn’t love The Incredibles when it first came out because it entertained but seemed lacking in as resonant a theme as some of Pixar’s past offerings. What a difference a few years makes, because I now think that theme is one I just wasn’t in a place to appreciate back then. It’s still not my absolute favorite of the company’s movies, but it’s one I eagerly look forward to watching with my daughter and any other children I may someday be blessed with, as I start them on the long road to datelessness and comic collecting. (You laugh, but if your daughter were as cute as mine, you’d be looking for ways to keep her dateless too.) And for any college students reading this and scoffing at old man Drew, here’s a sobering calculation for you: elapsed turnaround time from graduation to meeting soulmate, getting hitched, and ultimately becoming a parent? 6 years, 5 months, 15 days. Tick, tick, tick…

Drew, this is your life

Didja Notice?

• Mirage tells Mr. Incredible that he’ll be briefed on his second mission in conference room A-113. The number A-113 is a frequent Pixar in-joke based on one of the room numbers for the animation program at Cal Arts.
• Syndrome’s facial features are based on those of the film’s director, Brad Bird.
• In the beginning of the film, when a robber is going through a woman’s purse on the roof of a building, a Mr. Incredible Pez dispenser can be seen among the items scattered on the ground.
• Inside Bob’s cubicle is a “danger” sign. The image is the lightning bolt of Captain Marvel (SHAZAM!), using the red of his uniform instead of the gold. It is in the distinctive shape of the Marvel family (Captain Marvel, Mary Marvel, Captain Marvel Jr., and Black Adam), not that of the various Flash costumes. When Mr. Incredible gets his fancy new car, the emblem on the hood is in the triangular shape of the Golden Age Superman’s symbol. The black ray-like vehicle that delivers Mr. Incredible to the island is a reference to the Black Manta, an enemy of Aquaman and member of the Legion of Doom. And Gazer-Beam is a direct reference to Cyclops of the X-Men.
• The story takes place in a city called “Metroville”. It’s a combination of “Metropolis” and “Smallville,” respectively the cities where Superman lives and was raised.
• The ending scene – with the Underminer emerging from the earth – is an homage to the Fantastic Four’s first enemy, the Mole Man.
• Among the superheroes shown listed in the Kronos database are Universal Man, Psycwave, Everseer, Macroburst, Phylange, Blazestone, Downburst, Hyper Shock, Apogee, Blitzerman, Tradewind, Vectress, Gazerbeam, Gamma Jack, ElastiGirl, Frozone, and Mr. Incredible.
• Syndrome’s unusual way of walking was supposedly inspired by a Pixar employee who someone had noticed had a very strange walk and commented on it. His or her attempts to curb the strange walk were the basis of Syndrome and his “purposeful” walking style.
• When Mr. Incredible first meets Buddy he struggles to remember his name, calling him Brodie at first. Jason Lee, who voices Syndrome, made his big screen debut playing comic book-obsessed character Brodie Bruce in Mallrats.
• The whole anti-capes joke may be a nod to a flashback in Watchmen, where Dollar Bill got his cape caught in a revolving door at a bank robbery and was gunned down.
• Wallace Shawn (Mr. Huph) and John Ratzenburger (The Underminer) both make it into the movie in small roles. They’ve both been in every Pixar movie to date (with the exception that Shawn was not in Finding Nemo).
• So… where did all the supervillains go when the heroes were forced underground?
• Definitely Pixar’s most violent movie to date. Several henchmen and at least one major character die over the course of the film.
• The move Bob and Helen use to save Jack-Jack is called the Fastball Special. It was pioneered by Wolverine and Colossus of the X-Men, wherein the latter would pick the former up and hurl him at an enemy.

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

They certainly look cool, with lots of stylish superhero-esque figures appearing and stirring music playing. Sure, what, are you in a hurry or something?

Intermission!

As with other Pixar productions, the original trailer for this film featured animation made specially for the trailer and not appearing in the final film. It was directed by Brad Bird 18 months before the release of the movie.

John Barry was originally hired to score the film but left the project after recording only a few demo themes.

In order to give Dash a realistic out-of-breath voice, Brad Bird made Spencer Fox run laps around the studio.

The little boy on the tricycle is named Rusty, this is never revealed in the film except for the credits and a comic in Disney Adventures Magazine.

This is the first time Pixar has used only human characters in a film.

The theme from the James Bond film On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, composed by John Barry, is used in the previews for this film. The version used in the first trailer is from the CD “Bond: Back in Action” (Escape From Piz Gloria and Ski Chase). The second trailer uses the remix by David Arnold featuring The Propellerheads as it appears on the 1997 albums “Shaken and Stirred – The David Arnold James Bond Project” and “Decksanddrumsandrockandroll”; this second trailer also uses the song “The Planet Plan” from the album “3rd Perspective” by United Future Organization.

Edna, the costume lady, is based on Edith Head, who worked as a studio costume designer on hundreds of movies over more than fifty years.

Brad Bird originally conceived this as a conventional cel-animated film when he pitched it. The cel-animated sequences seen in the End Credits are a representation of his original concept.

I know they're meant to be heroic, but God help me, those black masks make them look like 1) raccoons, and 2) criminals. Maybe something in red?

Groovy Quotes

Mr. Incredible: No matter how many times you save the world, it always manages to get back in jeopardy again. Sometimes I just want it to stay saved! You know, for a little bit? I feel like the maid; “I just cleaned up this mess! Can we keep it clean for… for ten minutes?!”

Mr. Incredible: Bomb Voyage.
Bomb Voyage: Monsieur Incroyable!

Helen: I love you, but if we’re going to make this work, you have to be more than Mr. Incredible.

Violet: Normal? What do you know about normal? What does anyone in this family know about normal?
Helen: Now wait a minute, young lady-
Violet: We act normal, Mom, I want to be normal! The only normal one is Jack-Jack, and he’s not even toilet trained!

Lucius: So now I’m in deep trouble. I mean, one more jolt of this death ray and I’m an epitaph. Somehow I manage to find cover and what does Baron von Ruthless do?
Bob [laughing]: He starts monologuing.
Lucius: He starts monologuing! He starts this, like, prepared speech about how feeble I am compared to him, how inevitable my defeat is, how the world will soon be his, yadda yadda yadda.

Bob: What are YOU waiting for?
Little Boy on Tricycle: I don’t know. Something amazing, I guess.
Bob: Me too, kid.

Bob: It’s not a graduation. He’s moving from the 4th grade to the 5th grade.
Helen: It’s a ceremony.
Bob: It’s psychotic! They keep creating new ways to celebrate mediocrity.

Bob: Are you saying that we shouldn’t help our customers?
Mr. Huph: The law requires that I answer “no.”

Edna [to Mr. Incredible]: My God, you’ve gotten fat.

Mr. Incredible: You mean you killed off real heroes so that you could pretend to be one?
Syndrome: Oh, I’m real all right. Real enough to defeat you! And I did it without your precious gifts. Your oh-so-special powers. I’ll give them heroics. I’ll give them the most spectacular heroics the world has ever seen! And when I’m old and I’ve had my fun, I’ll sell my inventions so that everyone can have powers. Everyone can be Super! And when everyone’s Super… no one will be.

Edna: Supermodels. Hah! Nothing “super” about them – spoiled, stupid little stick figures with poofy lips who think only about themselves. Feh! I used to design for GODS!

Syndrome: Oh no! Elastigirl? You married ELASTIGIRL?!? [sees kids] And got biz-ZAY!

Lucius: Honey? Where’s my super suit?
Honey: What?
Lucius: Where – is – my – super – suit?
Honey: I, uh, put it away.
Lucius: Where?
Honey: Why… do you need to know?
Lucius: I need it!
Honey: Don’t you think about running off doing no derrin’-do. We’ve been planning this dinner for two months!
Lucius: The public is in danger!
Honey: My evening’s in danger!
Lucius: You tell me where my suit is, woman! We are talking about the greater good!
Honey: Greater good? I am your wife! I’m the greatest good you are ever gonna get!

Evil Henchman Watching TV News: Every time they run, we do a shot!

Old Man #1: Did you see that? That’s the way to do it. That’s old school!
Old Man #2: Yeah. No school like the old school.

Underminer: Behold, the Underminer! I’m always beneath you, but nothing is beneath me! I hereby declare war on peace and happiness! Soon, all will tremble before me!

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Galaxy Quest
• The Specials
• Mystery Men

#1- The Doctor and The Master

The Master attempts to "hug it out".

The Doctor is a compassionate Timelord from the planet Gallifrey who thwarts monsters, aliens, gods, and demons through the use of his intelligence, an intrinsic knowledge of the workings of space/time, and a nifty sonic screwdriver. Throughout time and space, The Doctor has been plagued by his former best friend: a rival Timelord who became determined to utterly conquer all creation after staring into the “untempered schism” and going batpoop crazy. Evenly matched in intelligence, determination and gadgets, these two enemies have battled across tesseracts, supernovas, nebulae and down the street from the Circle K. Along with the desire to control the universe, The Master’s primary driving force seems to be torturing his former friend. When he became desperate to prolong his life after squandering his 13 lifespans, it was The Doctor’s regenerations that he attempted to steal, despite having an entire planet of Timelords (and all their regenerations) at his disposal. After the Time War and the destruction of his home planet, The Doctor spent many years thinking he alone was the only remaining Timelord. Imagine his surprise when the good-natured Professor Yana, a kindly old scientist at the end of the universe turned out to be none other than The Master, long hidden after retreating from the Time War and posing as a human. More of a match for The Doctor than ever after regenerating into John Simm, The Master became the Prime Minister of Great Britain, got married, and utilized his Laser Screwdriver to turn the The Doctor into a little wrinkled monkey-like homunculus.

Little wrinkled monkey-like homunculus

He was ultimately defeated by The Doctor’s companion Martha Jones and shot down by his own wife, and then out of sheer spite didn’t regenerate to save his own life, leaving the Doctor as the “Last of the Timelords” once more.

When you’re willing to die just to be a jerk, that’s true evil.

#2- Spiderman and Venom

Venom: “We live for moments like these spider-man. Me…Eddie Brock beating you down like the week-kneed little boy you are and then leaving you here, broken and bloodied, knowing that anytime we want we can come back and do it again.”

Yeah, he's scary, but that symbiote is gonna be useless after Labor Day.

Peter Parker has more than his fair share of problems. In point of fact, he’s probably the only guy in history whose life actually got worse when he got super powers. When you take the existence of Venom into account, you really have to wonder if all comic book writers don’t just loath not only Spiderman, but also everyone who happens to be standing close to him. Eddie Brock had the all the powers, twice the strength and the added bonus of not setting off Peter’s spider-sense, due to being bonded with Spiderman’s costume from an alien world; a symbiote grafted to his nervous system and feeding off his adrenaline. Venom was the penultimate dark version of Spiderman in terms of powers, looks, and even in terms of personality. Venom had a twisted conscience providing a parallel to Spiderman’s “power and responsibility” schpiel, espousing a fanatical zeal to protect innocents…unless said innocents get in the way of his revenge. Eddie Brock and the Symbiote were permanently separated in recent years and the symbiote was inherited by Mac Gargan, AKA the Scorpion. Sometime later Eddie became a warped version his old self due to the remaining venom cells in his body and a touch from Mister Negative. He became Anti-venom, ironically becoming the new Venom’s arch enemy, after this little exchange:

That's cold, Eddie.

#3- Captain Marvel and Black Adam

Black Adam: “In every shape, color and size, for as long as time is marked, it will always be a world of dictators.”

The driving force behind the aggression of most mirror image arch enemies is the choices that each antagonist chooses to make. The evil counterpart made the wrong choices and now wields their weapons/powers/abilities against humankind, leaving the hero to think “there but for the grace of God go I”. The hero makes all the right choices, defending humankind and making themselves a constant reminder to the villain that they were ultimately too weak to rise above their situations. This dichotomy has never been more clearly pronounced than in the acrimony between the two champions of the wizard Shazam. The first champion of the powerful wizard was imbued with his powers eight thousand years ago in ancient Egypt. His name was Teth Adam, and he was a servant to the pharaoh. It wasn’t long before he figured that since he had the super powers, HE should wear the daddy pants. He overthrew the pharaoh and assumed the throne. Many years later When Captain Marvel was chosen as Shazam’s latest avatar and shared his powers with Mary Marvel and Captain Marvel Jr. to form the Marvel  Family (now on tour with Hannah Montana), Teth, now known as Black Adam devoted himself to becoming a thorn in their side. Gifted with all the strength, speed and intelligence of the big red cheese, Black Adam proves a viable threat to Captain Marvel. It’s too bad most of the time he decided to just go straight and be a good guy. He’s gone from  a super villain to fighting alongside the JSA and most recently has assumed the throne of his ancestral home; the African (re: fictional) nation of Khandaq. Captain Marvel has successfully avoided any character development whatsoever…remaining a cheesy anachronism.

See?

Black Adam also gets extra points for not having that gay little half cape thing.

#4- The Flash and Zoom

Zoom: “Do you not see what I’ve I’ve done? I’ve shifted you into REVERSE!”

Seriously, how does that thing stay on his head when he's running?

For every super speedster that has worn the mantle of the The Flash, there has been a Reverse Flash. The first was Dr. Edward Clariss, a scientist who recreated the formula that gave Jay Garrick (you know, the original Flash with the plate on his head?) his powers. Fortunately for peace loving people everywhere, not so fortunately for Clariss, his formula turned out to be only temporary, allowing The Flash to soundly pwn him muchly. The second Reverse Flash was Eobard Thawn, born in the 25st century with a name so horribly bad, his only allotted course was a life of crime. He used a machine to energize one of the Flashs costumes, still awash with speed force energy so that whenever he wore it he had the Flash’s powers. He called himself Professor Zoom and became a perpetual thorn in the side of the latest Flash, Barry Allen (sans plate). After Barry made us all love him just a little bit more by breaking Thawne’s freaking neck and after his apparent death during the Crisis on Infinite Retcons, Wally West became The Flash. A new Reverse Flash was sure to follow. Hunter Zolomon was a police profiler who became good friends with The Flash, right up until he was paralyzed from the waste down by a giant talking gorilla, which is the kind of thing that’s bound to happen when you hang around super heroes. When Flash refused to go back in time to keep the accident from happening, Zolomon continued on the road towards super villainy and broke into the Flash museum to use the cosmic treadmill himself. It blew up and Zolomon went nuts, but gained the ability to manipulate his own personal timeline effectively faking super speed. He called himself Zoom and targeted not The Flash, but his wife Linda. His reasoning was that a personal tragedy would make The Flash a better hero, proving that not only was he willing to target innocents but also that he wasn’t above using the flimsiest excuse ever to rationalize it.

Douche.

#5- Buffy and Faith

Faith: “Well, look at you. All dressed up in big sister’s clothes.”
Buffy: “You told me I was just like you. That I was holding it in.”
Faith: “Ready to cut loose?”
Buffy: “Try me.”

Even before they became the bitterest of enemies Buffy Summers and Faith Lehane were high school age girls, which gave them ninja-like levels of passive aggressive animosity unknown even to the most diabolical super villain. When Faith first appeared and effortlessly insinuated herself into Buffy’s circle of friends (hereafter known as “the scooby gang” for those of you who have never watched Buffy and found this site accidentally), Buffy was suspicious of Faith’s reckless attitude and unchecked aggression. Ultimately though, it was Faith’s jealousy of Buffy’s stability and relationships (topped off with an accidental murder), that led to her betrayal.  She went to work for the Mayor of Sunnydale (re: evil sunshiny demon) and determined to kill the Slayer. Buffy then got her back by tricking Faith into revealing her true allegiance (with some help from Angel). So Faith shot angel in the chest with an arrow. Then Buffy stabbed her in the gut. After waking up from a coma, Faith then switched bodies with Buffy and assumed her identity while Buffy was captured. She even slept with her then boyfriend Riley (re: *yawn*) while she was disguised as Buffy. When confronted with her own self (in the form of an escaped Buffy) she revealed her own self loathing by beating Buffy all the time screaming at her like she was Faith. Buffy then used the same talisman that caused the switch to put things right.  Faith then walked the path of redemption, accepting the blame for her past crimes and yadda yadda yadda… blah blah blah. Don’t me wrong, I’m all about redemption, but let’s be honest, tell the truth and shame the devil. We like Buffy and Faith best when they’re wailing on each other.

BFF's

#6- Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow

Snake Eyes: “…..”

Waiting to flip out and kill the whole town as soon as some dude drops a fork.

When GI Joe first made it’s debut as the single greatest cartoon of the eighties (outside of Transformers), not much was done with Snake Eyes, the silent masked soldier. Possibly because creators  assumed that a ninja commando was just not interesting enough. But luckily, in the ensuing years someone in charge listened to the fans and so was developed one of the all time great grudge matches. Snake Eyes was a wondering former soldier seeking meaning in life after the death of his parents and sister in a car accident. He found his way to the Arishkage Clan ninjutsu school, where he met Storm Shadow and his uncle, the Hard Master. The two trained together, even becoming sword brothers, but Storm Shadow’s jealousy over his own uncle viewing Snake Eyes as the worthier student ate away at his soul. So in a fit of drastic overreacting he hired Cobra to assassinate the Hard Master. The Arishkage was disbanded, Snake Eyes joined GI Joe, and Storm Shadow joined Cobra. The hostility between them is deep, though I maintain that they’re both so ticked off because even though they’re ninjas and masters of invisibility, Zartan is more stealthy with that whole chamelion thing his skin does.

Making ninjas feel stupid since 1982

The two are both masters of several martial arts and various weapon forms, making them equally matched and making bouts between them equally awesome. But don’t take *MY* word for it… (Warning: The following video is violent yet strangely bloodless.)

#7- Captain Jack Harkness and Captain John Hart

Captain John Hart: “Ok, here’s what’s going to happen – everything you love, everything you treasure will die. I’m going to tear your world apart, Captain Jack Harkness. Piece by piece. Starting now. Maybe *now* you’ll want to spend some time with me.”

In the annals of all arch rivals it’s not unheard of for two enemies to call a truce against a common foe, or for the villain to join the side of the angels, or even for the former adversaries to become friends. Research all you like, to your heart’s content for ages and even so, you’re unlikely to find any canonical instances of a super villain making out with his/her arch enemy. On that note…

...Meet Captain John Hart.

This man wants to either kill you or sleep with you. Actually, it's probably both.

Hart was a rogue time agent and former partner of Jack’s (in *every* sense of the word), who had been through repeated rehabs for alcohol, drugs, sex, and murder addiction. It’s safe to say that none of the aforementioned rehabs stuck. When Captain John Hart made his first appearance, a bar-brawl ensued, followed by some intense second-basing, followed by drinks. After gaining Jack’s trust he managed to take out the entire Torchwood team (as in he incapacitated them, not took them out for cocktails) and tossed Jack off of a roof, assuming he’d killed him. As any fans of the character know, Jack survived (mainly due to the whole immortality thing), and saved John’s life when his scheme to steal a diamond from a former lover backfired. He would go on to trap Jack and the entire team under the rubble of an abandoned building, bomb the living crap out of Cardiff, and bury Jack alive for 2000 years. Jack has yet to do anything in retaliation, possibly because he’s hoping for another make-out session. In addition to the pair’s fondness for period war clothes and similar time watches, John and Jack also share their pansexual preferences, making any meeting between them more than a little creepy. When it was revealed that Hart was under the control of Jack’s long lost brother, Gray, Jack let him go and he opted to wonder the world and see what was so great about the time period. It’s anybody’s guess who’s side he’ll be on when he appears again, but the odds are he’ll probably go to bed with them.

#8- Green Lantern and Sinestro

Sinestro: “What do I want? I want to create a symbol of terror that will wash over the universe. I want that universe controlled with order. And I want all to realize that control comes not out of compassion, love, and hope–but out of fear! Fear leads all!”

They call me Mellow Yellooow...

Imagine a dying alien names you his successor as the keeper of peace in your sector of space and hands you the most powerful weapon on Earth, save one little proviso: it doesn’t work on anything yellow. Now imagine your arch rival, the man sworn to ruin your life, and destroy all you hold dear wields a similar weapon… that makes things that are, you guessed it, yellow. One really is forced to wonder why Hal Jordan never took a look and the situation and called shenanigans, but instead he decided to just deal with it and brutally pwn Sinestro whenever he reared his gigantic purple head. Once Sinestro was the single most highly decorated Green Lantern in the corp, due to the record of peace on his home planet of Korugar. It came to light, however that the reason Korugar was so peaceful was that Sinestro had basically conquered it. He was drummed out of the Green Lantern Corps, due to their “no purple headed despots” rule. Blaming the GL Corps in general and Hal Jordan in particular, Sinestro procured a yellow power ring and declared war. After a pretty distinguished career as a thorn in the side of Green Lantern, Sinestro was finally defeated by Jordan and imprisoned inside the Green Lantern’s power battery on Oa. Strangely, at the time no one was heard to refer to the whole “put-the-super-villain-in-the-source-of-power-for-every-green-lantern-in-the-universe” plan as retarded, or more to the point, suicide. Sinestro awoke the fear entity Parallax, also imprisoned in the battery (seriously, guardians, you never heard of a jail cell?) and the enitity possessed Hal Jordan and caused him to get mideival on reality, breaking Sinestro’s neck in the process. Jordan was finally offed by every superhero ever, who were all of the opinion that they liked reality the way it was, but since there are no pearly gates in superhero heaven, only revolving glass doors, soon both Jordan and Sinestro were resurrected and inflicting power-ring flavored vengeance upon each other. Sinestro has one-upped the corp of late by starting his own “Sinestro Corps” consisting of cosmic bad guys wielding yellow power rings (that run on fear) to counter the green power rings (that run on willpower). Actually, recent writers have gone nuts with the power rings of late; introducing red power rings (that run on rage), blue rings (hope) and rainbow power rings that run on being *FABULOUS*!

No longer the only game in town.

#9- The Hulk and The Abomination

The Abomination: “Any last words?”
The Hulk: “HULK SMASH!”

Kickin' it old school.

They’re big, they’re green and when they get into it, it’s a good bet a few buildings are gonna come down. The real interesting thing about this particular set of brawling behemoths though, lies not in their similarities but in their differences. Bruce Banner was a skinny nerdgeek with anger management issues. Emil blonsky was a KGB spy from Yugoslavia. Who would have thought that a little thing like a gamma bomb would ever bring them together? Some time after Bruce decided to relax in a nice warm gamma radiation bath and found that his temper tantrums now came with a property damage bill, Blonsky was dosed with the same radiation in an attempt to make him into a super being that could go toe to toe with The Hulk. It was a success. Blonsky became The Abomination, a creature with all the strength and regenerative capability of The Hulk, with the added bonus of maintaining his intelligence and self control. The only downside was the tiny, miniscule detail of not being able to revert back to human form (hey nothing’s perfect), and since eleven foot tall reptilian monsters with prehensile tails are kind of hard to snuggle with, Blonsky lost his wife as well. He blamed The Hulk and Bruce Banner for his misfortunes and tried again and again to best him in combat. This proved unsuccessful as punching a creature that’s powered by rage can at best be described as counter-productive. He then went the sneaky route, slowly poisoning Bruce’s wife Betty with his own blood, the idea being that when Bruce saw the gamma radiation in her system, he would blame himself. The ruse was brought to light, however, and Bruce laid the ultimate low blow on Blonsky by forgiving him. If there’s one thing dark reflection super villains can’t stand, it’s being forgiven (see #’s 1 and 5 on this list).

Off Broadway revival of Peter Pan.

#10- Darkwing Duck and Negaduck

Negaduck: “Ooh, Darkwing Duck! I’m so scared!”
Darkwing: “You should be!”
Negaduck: “I’m more afraid of early hair loss!”

The hero is the terror that flaps in the night, the villain is a chainsaw weilding psychopath, and the only hope you have of telling them apart is by the color of their clothes, or perhaps looking out for the one that’ll kick a puppy. The first Negaduck was a being made of particles of negative energy, separated from Darkwing after his good and bad sides were split.

Like so.

Honestly, if you were The Liquidator, would YOU be afraid of a chainsaw? I mean the guy is made of water!

The second was a little more substantial and given a little bit of a backstory. For everything that Darkwing Duck is, Negaduck is the opposite. This has a a lot to do with the fact that he hails from an alternate universe where everything is the opposite of it’s counterpart in the world of St. Canard as we know it. The orange clad feathered foe found his way into Darkwing’s world and proceeded immediately to start trashing the place. He even formed the Fearsome Five, a team of super villains dedicated to crime and destroying Darkwing Duck. One would think that super villains would have trouble getting along but fear of Negaduck kept them all in line. Darkwing in turn gathered the heroes of St. Canard and formed The Justice Ducks to combat this new threat.  Ultimately a three-way showdown was going to appear in a later episode where the first Negadauck mutated off Darkwing’s body and attempted to kill both Darkwing AND Negaduck 2! Unfortunately the show was canceled after the third season and the episode was never realized. Still we’ll always have this little nugget of evil from one of the greatest evil doppelgangers of all time:

Honorable Mention:

Afro Samurai and Afrodroid

Ninja Ninja: ” It’s like I’m watchin’ Afro fighting Afro fighting Afro, or somethin!”

Austin Powers and Dr. Evil

“The wise and powerful Jabba has one more small condition: he demands you bring back the slime who kidnapped his little…punky muffin.”

Tagline: No tagline

Summary Capsule: Anakin, Obi-Wan and friends fight battle droids a lot. Also, Dooku.

Lissa’s Rating: At least I don’t call my kids punky muffin.

Lissa’s Review: I’m a child of the seventies and eighties, and like pretty much everyone else from that era, I love Star Wars. Sure, it’s not pure brilliance in terms of acting, story, cinematics (these days), or anything else, but it’s Star Wars. And like all of us, I had my heart broken by the prequels. But note I went to all three anyway.

However, as much as I like Star Wars, I’m not all that into it. I’ve only ever read one of the novelizations, and I’ve never read any of the tie-in novels, although I’ve heard that some of them are quite good. I don’t write fanfiction for it. (And given that I do actually write the stuff for a couple of other franchises, that’s actually a good indication of my interest level.) Basically, I pretty much stopped at the six movies. But the other day I had an opportunity to see The Clone Wars for free and entertain my offspring at the same time (yay, Regal Family Film Festival!), so we went. And I learned a few things:

1.) Exposition can be really annoying.

Since the movie is geared at kids, I get why they didn’t do the traditional introductory scroll. When your target audience either can’t read or is still sounding out words like “pickles”, tossing words like “separatists” or “Federation” or made-up alien names at them just isn’t the most effective means of conveying information. But at the same time, having Obi-Wan or Anikan reiterate the plot in a “as you know, we are pinned down by the enemy and are now sending for more reinforcements” sort of voice can get a tad… tedious.

2.) It’s really obvious how much of the prequel movies was CGI.

People done in computer-generated animation still have that weird, stick-like look to them, no matter what movie you watch. However, robots and backgrounds look fantastic. While Anikan, Obi-Wan, and any other humans looked a little… funny… the battle droids and the settings looked almost exactly like they did in the prequel movies. Yeah, we all knew George Lucas was more concerned with flash over story, but this REALLY showed it up.

3.) But the Jedi have REALLY cool powers.

This was one area where CGI actually did benefit. Seventies/early eighties effects being what they were, we all could appreciate that light sabers were cool and Jedi were supposed to be powerful, but watching in animation… this was the first time I really saw how having a Jedi around was more of a threat than having a samurai around. Before, they were just guys with cool sticks that could throw things around with their minds. This time, I really got it.

4.) There are ways to make Anakin Skywalker less annoying.

Yes! It’s true! The first? Don’t give him any romantic dialogue. I actually liked the Anakin/Padme romantic hints in this one. But second, give him a sidekick more annoying than he is, and I promise he will start being less annoying simply by comparison. Ahsoka was easily one of the most annoying sidekicks in cinematic history, and wow, I wanted to smack her pretty much every time she opened her mouth.

5.) The majority of the kids of today aren’t as bad as everyone makes them out to be.

But the thing is, she was just annoying. She wasn’t actually bad – just a total know-it-all Mary Sue of a character. But actually, the real reason I had this point was because we were in a packed movie theater with 2/3 of the seats occupied by people under 10. And the behavior was amazing, and I mean that in a good way. Sure, it wasn’t silent, and sure, some of them got restless. But no popcorn throwing, no gum spitting or spitball fights, and the kids were relatively quiet. I was impressed.

6.) Hutts have sex.

It’s a repulsive image, yes, but apparently, it’s true.

The first way we find this out is that Jabba the Hutt has procreated. Someone has kidnapped his infant son “Punky muffin”, and it’s up to the Jedi to get him back. Of course, the fact that we never see a Mrs. The Hutt could imply that Hutts reproduce asexually, and Punky just split off from Jabba one day. However, then you have Ziro.

Okay, who the heck came up with Ziro the Hutt, and what decade do they think it is???? We’re supposed to be making strides forward in the way we view the homosexual community, not strides back. It’s not that I object to a gay villain, per se, but for crying out loud, could he have BEEN any more of a stereotype? Lots of pink, feathers, a lisp… head, meet desk. I’m normally willing to cut a lot of slack, but on this one… no. There is no WAY they couldn’t have known what they were doing.

7.) Not only did The Clone Wars fail at LBGT issues, it failed at gender issues.

Ah, gender issues in scifi. The thing is, I usually wouldn’t accuse Star Wars of having them. For the time period, Princess Leia was pretty forward in terms of butt kickers. Yes, she needed saving, but so did Luke and Han at different points, and as soon as they rescued her she grabbed a gun and took charge. She was competent, sassy, and held her own against Han, making him actually improve to HER level before she’d give him the time of day. So, yeah, I didn’t really have much in the way of gender issues with the original trilogy.

But now, I’d like to see scifi writers and filmmakers thinking more about gender issues. And in the prequels, we still have a strong, male dominated cast. There’s Padme, but aside from that… there aren’t many female characters.

The Clone Wars ups the ante a bit with two. Oooh. But notice how they’re both apprentices. Notice how they both wear revealing clothing while the male Jedi wear armor. (At least Leia dressed practically, and the slave girl bikini doesn’t count as that was supposed to be misogynistic.) I’ll give them the credit of making Ahsoka fairly competent for a young kid, but who also turns to goo in the face of a baby slimeball? I’m just saying- come on guys. It’s the 21st century. A prominent non-apprentice female Jedi with a decent-sized role wouldn’t kill you.

8.) I really split hairs on point 7.

For all that I’ll complain about the female characters being apprentices, and Ahsoka being freaking ANNOYING, I actually found myself liking the mentor relationship between her and Anikan. It was odd, because I couldn’t stand her and I normally can’t stand him and their dialogue was often lame and if I talked to my tae kwon do master like that I would have been kicked out of class, but I still liked the affection they developed.

Go figure.

9.) The Clones are kind of neat. It’s nice to see the Stormtroopers-to-be without helmets.

Hey, it’s the little things in life. Actually, it’s a line in Clerks, about wondering if your average Stormtrooper knows how to install a toilet main. It sort of makes you think a little about what life as a grunt in this society must be like, and it was kind of nice to see a few hints of that.

10.) It’s definitely a kids’ movie, and it’s already leaving my brain.

Granted, Star Wars movies aren’t always the deepest and most ponderable of movies, but they are memorable. At least the first three are, anyway. The Clone Wars had its ups and downs, but 48 hours later, I’m already forgetting a lot of it. While it might partly be because I took the kids and spent half the movie making sure Ducklet didn’t get swallowed by his seat and the other half keeping T2 from bothering the nearest neighbors, I don’t think that’s the whole explanation. It wasn’t terrible, it was fun for a few hours, but it wasn’t something I feel the need to buy myself, either.

Unless I can use Ahsoka for target practice. Then I’m all for it.

Want a second opinion?  Check out Al’s review here!

Jedi Padawan or annoying Thundercat? You decide.

Didja Notice?

• No opening scroll and no John Williams music? Weak.
• Are they fighting a blue, Scottish walrus in the opening battle?
• R2-D2 has a girlfriend?
• Punky Muffin? Ugh.
• A clone trooper Wilhelm Screams at the monastery?
• R2’s jet rockets are way more powerful than I would have thought.
• Anakin and Ahsoka are flying a B-Wing when they escape from Teth?
• Asajj can lock her lightsabers together and form a staff?
• No one says “I have a bad feeling about this.” This was easy fanservice, guys. Bad form.
• I’m not sure if James A. Taylor did a great Ewan McGregor impression or a great Alec Guinness impression, but I applaud it nonetheless.

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

Nope.

Intermission!

Anakin is shown here already sporting the facial scar we see in Episode III. Official continuity states he received the scar from Asajj Ventress approximately thirty months after the Battle of Geonosis (Episode II). According to the opening voiceover, however, the movie is supposed to take place ‘soon after’ the Battle of Geonosis. [Doug] Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder! [/Doug]

Groovy Quotes

Captain Rex: Who’s the youngling?
Ahsoka: I’m Master Skywalker’s padawan. The name’s Ahsoka Tano.
Captain Rex: Sir, I thought you said you’d never have a padawan.
Anakin: There’s been a mix-up. The youngling isn’t with me.
Ahsoka: Stop calling me that! You’re stuck with me, Sky Guy.

Ahsoka: So what’s the plan?
Anakin: I thought you were the one with the plan.
Ahsoka: Nope. I’m the one with enthusiasm. You’re the one with experience which I’m looking forward to learning from.

Anakin: You’re reckless, little one. You never would have made it as Obi Wan’s padawan. But you might just make it as mine.

Jabba’s Protocol Droid: The wise and powerful Jabba has one more small condition: he demands you bring back the slime who kidnapped his little… punky muffin.

Battle Droid #1: Concentrate fire on sector 113274265!
Battle Droid #2: Sector 1132—what was that again?
Battle Droid #1: Just fire right there!

Asajj Ventress: Master Kenobi, always chasing after Skywalker. How predictable.
Obi Wan: Anakin leaves quite a mess — which always leads me to you, Ventress.

Ahsoka: Master Kenboi’s here. Now we’ll see some real fireworks!
Anakin: And what do you call what I’ve been doing all day?
Ahsoka: I dunno. The word ‘reckless’ comes to mind.

Ahsoka: You’ve got that ‘We’re in trouble’ look.
Anakin: There’s a look?

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Star Wars: Clone Wars (2003 miniseries)
• Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
• The Star Wars Holiday Special

Interestingly, it’s not always the sad moments that make me cry. I wrote this list before I wrote the introduction, and only three are officially truly sad moments. The other seven are bittersweet, some even more sweet than bitter. A few are even downright happy (well, by tearjerker standards). What can I say? Strong emotion makes me cry.

So, my ten moments I cry, no matter how many times I’ve seen the movie (and with #7, that one feels like it’s the triple digits.)

1.) Homer Hickam tells his father that he’s his hero in October Sky.

The relationship between Homer and Jack Hickam is one of the foundations between the movie. It’s complex, subtle, and beautifully acted by both Jake Gyllenhaal and Chris Cooper. I love this moment because the two of them spend the entire moment not getting what the other is saying (mainly because they’re not listening to each other), but this is when the deep love that is there boils up through, and they both get it. It’s a lovely, tender moment, and it makes me cry every time.

2.) Satine dies at the end of Moulin Rouge!

When I think of tragic death scenes that make me cry, this one tops my list. It’s impressive that it works, because you know she’s going to die from the very beginning. I mean, that’s how the movie starts, with the quote “The woman I love is dead.” But what I think really tips this over the edge is the way Christian/Ewan McGregor just completely breaks down.

3.) The Schindler Jews give Oskar Schindler his ring in Schindler’s List.

All of Schindler’s List is a heartbreaker, especially the first time you watch it. The brutality and cruelty shown in the movie… well, come on. It’s the Holocaust, graphically portrayed. But while that got me the first time through, I think my mind sort of took defenses when I’ve watched the movie in subsequent viewings. However, the moment Schindler truly realizes what he’s done and thinks he could have done more never, ever fails to twist my guts.

4.) Wat tells his the newly named Sir William “your father heard that” in A Knight’s Tale.

I’m a sucker for redemption stories, and also a sucker for parent child bonds. This is a fun movie where I don’t expect deep emotion, but when William realizes his father just had a life long dream he never expected to happen come true… there go the waterworks again.

5.) The entire ending of Life As a House.

When I was 16, my father passed away from leukemia (a disease I still cannot spell the name of without help from my spellchecker, even though it’s been eighteen years). This movie is about a sixteen year old losing his father to cancer. If you need more of an explanation, I’d be happy to direct you to the Midvale School for the Gifted.

6.) George Banks reflects back on his daughter’s life the night before she gets married in Father of the Bride.

Re-read #5, and then apply. But at the same time, I almost always cry at weddings. It’s so nice to see people celebrate something so happy.

7.) Dory tells Marlin that “when I look at you, I’m home,” in Finding Nemo.

Okay, enough of my Daddy Issues. Sheesh. This is just a great little moment in a great movie, when Dory’s trying to convince Marlin not to leave and go off alone. It’s just such a wonderful summation of what love- any love- is, and delivered with such earnestness from a character whose previous deep lines included “the sea monkeys have my money” and “Es-cap-ee! That’s funny, it’s spelled just like the word escape!”. Perfect moment in a great movie.

8.) The boys stand on their desks to say goodbye to Mr. Keating in Dead Poet’s Society.

Like with Schindler’s List, the big obvious moment (in this case Neil’s suicide) doesn’t really choke me up so much after the first viewing. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still horrible, but it doesn’t make me cry. But much like the moment Schindler gets his ring, the moment that the boys stand on their desks is a total tearjerker. And the beautiful bagpipe music and the boys still sitting hunched over don’t help keep me from crying.

9.) Matt reads the poem at Gareth’s funeral in Four Weddings and a Funeral.

This is one where yes, the death is sad, especially since Gareth’s one of my favorite characters in the movie. John Hannah does an amazing job playing the grieving lover without overdoing it. But I think it’s the poem, “Funeral Blues” by W.H. Auden, that just really gets me every time.

10.) Sam insists on going with Frodo at the end of Fellowship of the Ring.

Self-sacrificing hobbit bromance. Do I REALLY need to say more?

So, yeah. For all the death and chick flicks I’ve probably seen, those are the ten moments that stand out in my mind as making me cry. What can I say? When it comes to movies, I take tissues. It’s a good precaution.

Bah!  Whatever!  Titles that work are just as lame as well though-out introductions!  Let’s do this!

Oh, I will pause to mention that you are strongly encouraged to read first, and then decide whether or not you want to view.  MRFH and its affiliates, subsidiaries and shadow governments are not responsible for any puking or nightmares that may result.

When the Wind Blows

Ah, yes.  The pivotal scene in the prettiest and saddest bit of animation you’ve never heard of.

It sits at the bottom of the five (Did I mention we’re going by order of increasing scariness?  We are.) because it’s less outright scary (and not at all graphic, unless rolling sheep bother you.), more one part spooky to three parts trippy.  And I gotta say, the music works.  So bravo to whoever.

Trivia: Widely regarded as a pioneer film in the then-unexplored “let’s watch an adorable elderly couple die slowly” genre.

The Day After

Yep, it’s preeeeetty scary.

Sorry, but I’m reviewing this movie soon, and I only have so much material.

Oh, I will say that I’m endlessly amused by the pouty-lipped whining of the people in the theater when the lights go off.  “Aw man!  This is even worse than being vaporized like we’re about to be!”  Where have these people been?

Threads

Despite a number of similarities events-wise, Threads edges out The Day After in large part because of the way the sequence is handled.  Where The Day After is like, “Here, have three or four minutes of solid terror,” Threads is more, “We’re going to start you off with an appetizer terror-minute, followed by a brief intermission calibrated to the exact amount of time it takes you to think maybe that was “it”, at which point the terror will resume in earnest.”

Also, The Day After doesn’t have the weirdly ever-present chorus of screaming.  And I don’t know what this says about me, but the woman weeing herself bothers me more than anything else.

Warning for language and pee.  And I might urge you to pay special attention at 4:03.  E.T.!!!  NOOOOOOO!!!

Terminator 2

No me can watch this scene when it first came out.  Hey, gimme a break; I was ten.

And it isn’t the suddenness or the contrast of the nuclear firestorm juxtaposed against the pretty-happiness of just seconds prior, or the screaming, burning-to-death closeups.  No, it’s more that the squeal of baking children was and is just a tad disconcerting to me.  Yeah, I know, me and my little idiosyncracies.

Barefoot Gen

Dang it, Japan.  Why you always gotta be trying to mess up my life?  I hate myself for loving you.

I have the damnedest rationalizations for watching things.  Back when Jakob the Liar came out, I thought, “Yeah, it’s about the Holocaust, but it stars Robin Williams, so it has to be Silly McFuntimes!  His goofballity is going to rewrite history somehow!”

Things didn’t turn out well for either of us.

I went into Barefoot Gen with exactly the same fallacious attitude; knowing full well that it was about the bombing of Hiroshima, but thinking, “Hey, it’s animation, which I have not yet accepted as anything more than an escapist medium circa 2002.  How bad can it be?”

The answer?  Pretty much the worst thing I’ve ever seen.  Unique amongst its contemporaries, in that I’m going to go past cautioning as I would for any of them, and instead just go ahead and recommend that you not watch the clip at all.  And that’s not a veiled dare.

To give you an idea of what I’m simultaneously endangering you with and protecting you from: I couldn’t use the first clip Youtube returned, because the thumbnail featured a little girl with her eyeballs dribbling out.  So instead, I’m going with a partially-cooked dog fused to a melting guardrail.  And that about sums it up.

The Scoop: 1987 NR, directed by Jerry Rees and starring Deanna Oliver, Jon Lovitz, and Timothy Stack

Tagline: Imagine if Your Toaster Went on a Journey of its Own!

Summary Capsule: Loving appliances hit the road in search of their long absent Master.

Al’s Rating: Hug your blender.

Al’s Review: I don’t like the idea of inanimate objects.  It’s weird, but the thought of something simply existing with no thoughts or feelings or dreams and worries bothers me in a way I can’t quite describe.  It just feels wrong.  I prefer to imagine that the couch and the ottoman have conversations when I’m not around and that the kitchen creates its own messes.  I’m one of those people who can’t pass a shoe on the side of the road without wondering where it’s going and I simply cannot throw out anything from my childhood that has a face.  Luckily, my mother never had those scruples or I’d be up to my eyeballs in action figures.

So it seems like The Brave Little Toaster was made for me specifically, confirming all my deepest suspicions about my stuff having fun without me.  Toaster, Lampy, Blanket, Radio, and Kirby (a vacuum) are five dated appliances living in a long-unused summer home.  They spend their days keeping the place in order and lovingly dreaming about the day when The Master, a little redheaded boy, will come back and play with them.  Unfortunately, tragedy strikes when a For Sale sign appears on the front lawn and a cranky air conditioner tells them that they have been abandoned forever.  The appliances despair until Toaster decides that The Master must have simply forgotten them and that they need to travel to the Big City to track him down.  With the help of a portable battery and a rolling desk chair, they brave forests, rivers, mudpits, thunderstorms, junk dealers, and worse in a bid to be remembered.

For a story about walking appliances, The Brave Little Toaster is one dark movie.  Our characters get lost in the woods, get struck by lightening, are smashed to pieces, have freaky clown dreams, and witness the horror of being dissected for spare parts.  Heck, I’m 27 and was squirming as they tried to scale cliffs and cross waterfalls.   But that’s all balanced by some very sweet moments, too, like the Toaster trying to describe what it feels like to be nice to someone (”It’s like being next to a new loaf of bread!”) and the jealous, grumpy Air Conditioner tearing up when he finally gets some attention.

The voices are relative unknowns except for Jon Lovitz as Radio and Phil Hartman in a pair of minor roles, but they all do a good job bringing a lot of life and a lot of definition to their characters.  Toaster is determined and brash, Blanket is immature and clingy, Kirby is grizzled and cantankerous; they are distinctions that the voices are able to sell in a way that the rest of the film simply can’t.  The songs fall pretty flat (especially “The Cutting Edge” by the high-tech machines) and the animation isn’t quite Beauty and the Beast, but the movie does an admirable job nonetheless giving life to the world it’s created.  There are some extremely impressive sequences throughout, including the aforementioned freaky clown dream, the junkyard sequence at the end, and a well-placed “Tutti Frutti” near the beginning, so I can’t get too down on them.

The Brave Little Toaster is a movie that was not a giant hit when it first came out and actually took two years to find a proper theatrical release, but it’s gathered a small, loyal fanbase and I definitely understand why.  It obviously wasn’t made with the biggest budget, but its got a quirky style and unique voice that carry it over the rough patches and make it something really special for those of us who just can’t stomach another Disney princess.

Flying Toasters? I used to have that screansaver!

Didja Notice?

• The movie is based on a novel?  Who knew?
• Toaster’s nickname is Slots?  I like that.
• Kirby is voiced by Thurl Ravenscroft, voice of Tony the Tiger?
• Phil Hartman impersonating Jack Nicholson for the voice of Air Conditioner and Peter Lorre for the Hanging Lamp?
• Radio tells them to head north by northwest, and to watch out for low-flying aircraft?  Ha!
• That clown is absolutely terrifying?
• The “high tech” machines of 1987?

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

Nope.

Intermission!

The main cast is Los Angeles’ Groundling Group, comprised of Jon Lovitz, Timothy Stack, Timothy E. Day, Deanna Oliver, Thurl Ravenscroft, and ‘Phil Hartman’.

Groovy Quotes

Radio: I think Houdini did this once, and if I remember right, he was out of the hospital in no time.
Lampy: Well, that’s encouraging.

Lampy: I really thought I’d turned in my warranty that time!



Ah, children's programming. Wonderful, wholesome children's... OH DEAR GOD!

Radio: Things could be worse you know.
Lampy: How?
Radio: How what?
Lampy: How could they be worse?
Radio: They couldn’t; I lied.

Blanket: Do we have to stop here?
Toaster: Only for a while.
Radio: Just long enough to lose our minds! We’ll be cannibals within a few days, I’ve seen it happen!
Kirby: And you’ll be the first to go, dial-face.

Radio: Why, if we were all wiener dogs, our problems would be solved.
Toaster: What?
Radio: Or maybe it was a basset hound.
Kirby: You’re *all* insane.

DVD Review

Disappointing.  The video and audio transfers are pretty poor, and the only special feature is a poorly disguised advertisement for the sequels.  But the fact that it’s on DVD at all is something to be cheered, so I’ll take what I can get.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Toy Story
• Beauty and the Beast
• Rover Dangerfield

This station was full of funny, thought-provoking, kid-empowering programs when pretty much every other show involved rainbow ponies, bears that shot rainbows from their chest, and even a character with the word “rainbow” in her name. Nickelodeon’s lineup pushed the boundries of kids’ imaginations and just how much sexual innuendo one can fit into children’s programming. None pushed that sexual innuendo barrier better than Rocko’s Modern Life.

Debuting in 1993 and running for four seasons, Rocko’s Modern Life was completely off the wall, off-kilter, off color…you name it this show was off of it. Rocko’s Modern Life was just tame enough, and normal-appearing that it could fool my parents into peeping their heads in and then going along their merry way, satisfied that I wasn’t being “corrupted”. Ah, but they were very, very wrong.

Rocko’s modern life is, from beggining to end, one insane adventure after another, with our main cast of characters being tormented for our viewing pleasure. Some of my favorites are the one where Rocko and Heffer rent a vacuum bent on their destruction, the one where Heffer joins a schnitzel cult, and the one where the Chameleon Brothers put Rocko’s home movies together into an indie film, culminating in Heffer’s prank shots of Rocko headed to the kitchen for a midnight snack in his tighty whities.

I consider myself pretty open-minded, but I watch clips on youtube today and wonder how on earth the crew got by with the stuff they stuck in there. As evidence, in our ever-more PC world Rocko’s Modern Life, when shown on TV, is heavily edited. It’s really upsetting because as a kid I didn’t understand the more adult jokes, but still found the show awesome.

The Characters:

Rocko: An Wallaby who immigrated from Australia. He has a serious crush on the never-glimpsed Melba and spends his days saving his dog from being packaged as deli meat, battling an evil vacuum cleaner “stuck on suck”, and warding off his neighbor Bev’s obvious seduction attempts.

Heffer: He’s a… portly yellow steer raised by a family of loving wolves (one of whom repeatedly fantasizes about eating Rocko, who he insists is a beaver). Somehow he doesn’t realize, until his older brother glibly informs him, that he was adopted. He frequently has completely ridiculous ideas (and a serious eating disorder) that get him and his friends in trouble. His gluttony kills him and sends him to “Heck” in one episode, where he meets the Dark Overlord “Peaches” who presides over an eternal torment of televisions without remotes.

Fliburt: The turtle who taught me the meaning of “hypochondriac”. A complete dork and generally unwilling accomplise to Heifer’s wild schemes (of which there are plenty). At one point he’s even talked into pretending to be Rocko’s “wife” so that he doesn’t get deported (one of the best episodes).

Bev and Ed Bighead: A couple of wild and crazy frogs. Ed Bighead is a career man at the town’s largest industry, Conglom-O. He has a terrible temper and weakness for flies. Bev is a stay-at-home wife with more than one trick up her sleeve to try and seduce her nextdoor neighbor Rocko, though she and Ed seem to have quite an exciting sex life. On more than one occasion we catch them in the midst of very odd kink (Ed tossing and smashing plates with his tongue like they were clay pigeons, Ed rolling around in a ginormous hamster ball chasing Bev around the house…

And those are just the main characters. Every single character in this show is totally off the wall, dysfunctional, just plain nuts…pick your description.

Right now it’s only available as a two-volume “Best of” set. I’m not even sure it’s being re-run on Nickeloden anymore. There are some websites, though, where you can find full episodes. I cannot reccomend enough that you spend just a half hour of your time giving this show a try. I haven’t seen an episode in years and I still use quotes from it in my day-to-day life. Heck, if I could just find Rocko’s blue shirt with the triangles I would totally be rocking that out.

Groovy Quotes:

Heffer: Hey Rock! Do that goofy face you do when you’re buying eggs!

Eagle: A wallaby in a boat waving a fish… That’s odd – yet strangely appetizing!

[Rocko, Heffer and Filburt are about to be hit with bowling balls by the Schnitzel Cult]
Rocko: You can’t chuck bowling balls at us!
Schnitzel Cult Leader: Yes, we can. Says so in the Great Book of Bratwurst. [reads] “And if there is one among you who does not follow the ways of the Schnitzel, let that one go, and do not throw bowling balls at them.”
Rocko: You see? It says let us go.
Schnitzel Cult Leader: It’s a matter of interpretation.

Peaches: I am the Dark Underlord, the Prince of Doom, the King of Eternal Torment! I am Pain! I am Evil! They call me… Peaches!
Heffer: Can you pass the remote?
Peachers: You poor fool. Still don’t realize where you are? There is no remote!
Heffer: Aaaaugh!

Rocko:I’m not a dog, I’m a wallaby!
Dog Catcher: A wallaby?
Rocko: Yeah. It’s like a kangaroo, only smaller.
Dog Catcher: You made that up!

Rocko: Grocery day is a very dangerous day, but at least we got food.

Rocko: [trying to turn the Suck-o-Matic off] I must cease this senseless sucking! [keeps pulling and pushing the switch and nothing happens] It’s stuck in suck!

Grandpa Wolfe: I say we eat the beaver!

Filburt: [About the hard work that goes into reading comic books] You turn the page, wash your hands. Turn the page, wash your hands. Turn the page, wash your hands…

Heffer: [after finding Rocko in the dumpster, his nail-biting problem out of control] All this toe-chewing is making me hungry. Let’s go get some chili!

Rocko: Heff, everybody’s bonkers for me bum!
Heffer: I know. You’ve got the most famous fanny in O-Town!

Rocko, Filburt: [After being interrupted during a fight and opening the door and finding out it's Rocko's deportation officer] WHAT IN THE HELLL… LO?

Ed Bighead: Rocko, what’re you doing?
Rocko: [With a paddle in his hand] We’re playing spank the monkey.

Crappy Jack: Arr, and then, I heard a scream so loud it could be heard down in Davy Jones’ locker. Mickey Dolenz’s locker too, and Peter Tork’s locker. All the Monkees had lockers…

Filburt: [behind the counter at the mall food court] Stuff On A Stick: Stick your face in our stuff.

[Ed Bighead walks into his home. Rocko has no shirt on. Bev is handing him a bit of cash. She sees him, and plants a *large* smooch on him. Rocko steps back]
Rocko: Uh, er… Mr. Bighead! It’s not what you think! I was just [points] … um, and she… [Rocko begins falling apart, like a Jenga game]
Ed Bighead: [angry] You saw my wife in her bath robe? [disturbed] Isn’t it awful?

The Scoop: 2009, directed by Peter Avanzino, starring Billy West, Katey Sagal, and John Di Maggio

Summary Capsule: The Planet Express crew splits down gender lines over Amy’s dad’s attempt to destroy a star system brimming with life to build the galaxy’s largest mini-golf course. Meanwhile, Fry shtupping his own grandmother again puts him in the unlikely position of potential universe savior.

Drew’s Rating: Have you ever noticed how every significant event in a Matt Groening production centers around miniature golf?

Drew’s Review: Well, here we are again, old friends- the (possible) end of Futurama. It seems like only yesterday I was eagerly awaiting the release of the first direct-to-DVD movie, and now the final act is here. After this, the show’s future is uncertain, so one question looms above all others: does it receive a proper sendoff? Can Into the Wild Green Yonder compete with “The Devil’s Hands Are Idle Playthings,” the last episode of the TV series, in terms of emotional impact, or is it… well, The Matrix Revolutions? And the answer is: more of the former than the latter, thank Atheismo.

Their potentially final adventure finds the Planet Express crew watching Leo Wong demolish the old Mars Vegas to build a newer, more extravagant version. In the process, ecosystems are ravaged and species driven to extinction, but payoffs to environmental scientist Professor Farnsworth ensure zero repercussions. Leo’s only opponents are the Feministas, eco-terrorists who fight for both gender equality and the preservation of nature. But when their attack results in Fry gaining the power to read minds, he’s approached by the Legion of Madfellows, an ancient organization devoted to protecting the universe from the Dark Ones, creatures who wish to destroy all life. A violet dwarf star may hold the key to reviving hundreds of extinct species, but Leo Wong plans to destroy it to build an immense miniature golf course, a plan the Dark Ones hope to see come to fruition. While Leela joins the Feministas, Fry goes undercover as Leo’s security guard in an effort to ferret out the Dark Ones and save the dwarf star. But with Leela unaware of Fry’s plan and the male Planet Expressers firmly on Leo’s side (and Bender working for himself, as always), the company threatens to tear itself apart. Can anything bring them together in time to possibly go away forever?

While some people have loved the Futurama movies, others have complained that they don’t live up to the show at its peak, so let’s get it out of the way first: I’m glad to report that Into the Wild Green Yonder is without question the funniest of the four films. It’s weird… I remember liking the previous three when they came out, but they definitely suffer in comparison with Yonder, which reminds you of just how many good lines the show used to pack into each episode. The plot is likewise enjoyable on the whole- while one or two subplots peter out (Bender’s affair with the Donbot’s wife, I’m looking at you), overall it’s fairly coherent by Futurama standards. Yet another longstanding series mystery is resolved (who’s the man in the number 9 shirt who appears in crowd scenes throughout the series?), mmmmostly satisfactorily, and the writing staff gets to take another jab at industrialization while poking gentle fun at the environmentalists who oppose it. Most of the main characters get a chance to shine, though there could always be a little more Zoidberg maybe, and the series continues its trend of unlikely guest stars with Tha Doggfather himself. It’s easy to take the animation for granted because we’ve gotten used to it by this point, but it’s clean and impressive as always.

The few complaints are familiar ones, mostly having to do with consistent characterization (in a cartoon, I know, but still). Fry and Leela are yet again back to mooning over each other, meaning you could pretty much pretend the last three movies never happened and Yonder continues directly from the show. Having recently rewatched classic episodes like “The Sting” where the pair clearly have feelings for each other, I found it hard enough to see them back to being just friends without explanation, but the constant back-and-forth needs to stop. Personally I like their relationship because I’m a giant romantic softie (shhh… don’t tell anyone), but they’re threatening to overtake Ross and Rachel for most drawn out non-relationship on TV, and brother, that’s not a good place to be. Also, the movie format seems to goad the writers into producing more “epic” stories, with three of the four films dealing with galaxy-shaking events. I can understand why they felt the need to amp up the drama, but some of my favorite Futurama episodes were of the quieter, more personal variety that get shoved to the wayside whenever the universe is in danger. No biggie, but if the show ever returns we could use a few episodes where the crew are solely responsible for saving themselves.

Aaaand… there’s really not much else to say. If you’re a diehard Futurama fan, you probably already own this DVD and are mentally composing your rebuttal to me this very moment. (Remember, it’s getbent@whinyfanboy.com.) But if you’re a more casual fan who was thinking of maybe picking up one a them DVD movies and wants to know which to choose, hopefully this answered your question- it’s Yonder. Is it perfect? No. Is it quite as witty as the best episodes of the show? Uh-uh. But does it leave me wanting more and praying Fox sees fit to revive the show again in another format? You bet your shiny-…

Well, you know the rest.

Didja Notice?

• The Simpsons/Futurama and Family Guy teams often poke fun at each other on their shows, but apparently it’s all in good fun, since Seth MacFarlane sings the opening Vegas-style song.
• Sadly, I think New Vegas’s motto — “What you don’t know about your bedspread won’t hurt you” — could just as easily be applied to Las Vegas. I’ve watched C.S.I.
• As a nice callback to the last movie, where dark matter became obsolete, we learn that whale oil is the new fuel source.
• Every environmentally-themed episode of Futurama features a member of the Waterfall family, and Yonder is no exception with Hutch and his sister Frida.
• Snoop Dogg as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court? Fo’ rizzle, y’all.
• The other justices include Scalia, Ginsberg, Thomas, Paula Abdul, Bjorn Bjork, Janeane Garofalo, and a brunette named “Sagal,” a cute nod to Katey Sagal, the voice of Leela.
• If you ever wondered what makes Bender’s ass shiny and metal, wonder no longer: it’s his vanity plate reading “1 DVS BSTD”.

Is It Worth Staying Through The End Credits?

Well, there’s nothing extra, but considering it could be the last time you’ll ever hear that sweet Futurama theme song? Yep.

Intermission!

Into the Wild Green Yonder may or may not mark the end of Futurama. Fox has the option of letting it end here, or if sales of the movies merit it, either ordering another batch of straight-to-DVD films or reviving the show on network TV for another season. In addition, Matt Groening and David X. Cohen have expressed interest in doing a theatrical film if Fox decides to go that route instead.

The Yonder DVD has a ton of special features, including commentary, deleted scenes, a tutorial on how to draw Futurama in 10 very difficult steps, animatics, a spoof featurette about how Futurama is made, Penn Jillette talking about his experience recording his lines, a random mini-documentary about Matt Groening and David X. Cohen going on a Zero-G flight experience, a short featurette made up of clips from past episodes called Bender’s Movie Theater Etiquette, and of course, Zapp Brannigan’s Guide to Making Love at a Woman. (It’s pretty much the same as making love *to* a woman except… uh, never mind. Not going there.) Perhaps the weirdest feature is a brief animation of Bender chugging beers, drawn entirely on toilet paper squares and animated by, well, spinning the roll. Yeah.

Okay, the secret's out- Leela and Bender hook up. Damn, I still can't believe that.

Groovy Quotes

Leo Wong: Okay, okay. Come back when New Vegas opens, I give you all free rooms, free dinner, and free tickets to Celine Dion.
Bender: Lose the Celine Dion tickets and you got yourself a deal.
Leo: All right, damn it, done!

Bender: Man, I’m worried about him. But not enough to stop gambling for even a single second!

Fry: Sign me up for the tournament, please!
Attendant: Okey-doke, Jiffy Pop. Entry fee’s 50,000 smackers.
Fry: 50,000?! Drat, all I have is my life savings and a token for free admission to this poker tournament.
Attendant: Close enough.

Penn: Welcome, viewers who fell asleep with the TV on! It’s the 3009 No-Limit Hold ‘Em Championship. I’m the massive head of Penn Jillette, and here with the color commentary, my partner Teller! …Our act really didn’t change much when he died.

Fry: Bite my shiny metal hat!

Penn: Looks like Boobs Vanderbilt has a decent pair. Also, she’s got two eights.

Hutch: Sorry I bashed your head in, buddy, but I had to. Y’see, the fate of the universe depends on you.
Fry: Yeah, I get that a lot.

Zapp: Bender here has identified the femdito commander as my ex-lover Turanga Leela, whom I once made love at.
Nixon: And he’s willing to fink her out for a few simoleons?
Bender: It’s not about the money, Nixon, though I’d like much more. It’s ’cause Leela’s a threat- a threat to my reputation! She’s committed 30 felonies in 12 star systems. If no one stops her, she’ll break my record for longest rap sheet!
Nixon: Aroooo! That’s a despicable motive, Bender, and I respect it.

Farnsworth: Well, this is it, old friends. Planet Express is done for, what with our delivery crew missing and the abysmal sales of Tickle-Me Bender.
Doll: Teeheehee! Quit touchin’ my junk, pervert!

Zapp: Kif, set coordinates 36, 24, 36. AKA… Leela.

Number 9 Man: As my colleague indicated, the plan cannot come from us, Fry. We were counting on you and your unreadable brain to come up with something.
Fry: That was a mistake.
Number 9 Man: I see that now.

Leela: Wormhole!
Hermes: Sweet topology of cosmology, it’s huge!
Farnsworth: If we fly into it, it could take us trillions of light years away. There’s no knowing if we’ll ever return.
Fry: What do we do? Should we go for it?
Bender: Into the breach, meatbags. Or not. Eh, whatever.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Futurama: Bender’s Big Score
• Futurama: Bender’s Game
• The Simpsons Movie

“I need cats like I need butt implants!”

The Scoop: 1991 NR, directed by Skip Jones, and starring Michael Bell, John Byner and Robin Williams.

Summary Capsule: Opus the penguin wants to fly, and he knows just the jolly old elf to help him do it. Also, stooge-geese and hairballs.

Kaleb’s Rating: AACK! PLBBT!

Kaleb’s Review: As it turns out, I’ve had a connection with Berkeley Breathed and his odd newsprint progeny for many moons now; since long before I knew who he was, or that he had such an obnoxiously hippie-sounding name.

See, back in the halcyon days of the Neighties, ’twas tradition for I and my immediate family to spend New Year’s at my aunt’s house in Colorado. Oh, the memories. Sleeping on the impossibly fluffy sofa; the ice cold linoleum kitchen floor (this was about an hour outside of Denver, meaning it got down to roughly -8000 at night); and the giant grandfather clock which I am still convinced is haunted.

Then there was the house itself; pretty and nondescript on the outside, on the inside, strangely labyrinthine and Escherian. The basement and the attic were accessed by the same staircase! Figure that one out!

But more importantly than all that — for the sake of this review, anyway — was that my aunt’s house was close enough to a major metro to be inside the cosmopolitan safe zone where politically and culturally-divisive comic strips were allowed to exist. In other words, her Sunday paper — of which there always seemed to be one around, regardless of proximity to Sunday — carried Outland.

Wherever I lived at the time, which would’ve either been Smalltown, Kansas, or Smalltown, Oklahoma, we were given Blondie and Family Circus and told to shut up. Although Calvin & Hobbes did slip through somehow. I never have figured that one out.

But I digress. The point is, I was as fascinated with Outland as one can be with something one only reads once a year; vaguely aware in my weeness that a lot of it was over my head, but that did nothing to diminish its weird, inexplicably dark appeal. So, when the characters thereof hit the small screen in the early 90s, I was all up on that all over the place.

A Wish for Wings That Work tells the tale of Opus the penguin, as he deals with life as an earthbound bird — a ridiculous contradiction in terms, in his mind — seeks to overcome his plight with help from the big man up North, and eventually learns that, in his own way, he blah de blah blah.

So, now that the plot summary is out of the way, time for a fatuous statement: This is probably the second or third greatest animated feature ever produced. Now, before you say, “There’s goes Kaleb again, flailin’ ‘is arms about, throwin’ the ‘ole neighbor’ood into a ruckus with ‘is silly claims,” in that cockney old woman voice you have, let me throw a couple of caveats out to let you better realize just how right you are:

1. When I say it’s the greatest animated feature ever, I mean across all divisions; not just Lightweight (it’s only 30 minutes long).

2. Not only does AWFWTW not have any hot robot chicks making out with each other, it doesn’t have any hot robot chicks period. And I still think it’s incredible! Crazy!

But, I stand by my ridiculous assertion. And, just in case you think I’m doing a from-memory review of something that was great fifteen years ago when I was little but is actually crap, note the following: Up until about a month ago, the only copy of AWFWTW I had was the rapidly deteriorating VHS recording of the show’s original airing. Imagine my delight when an Amazon search revealed that some smart guy had decided to release it on Forever Crystal (sometimes referred to as DVD)! Yes! One please!

The point being, I watched it afresh mere days ago, and it has held up beautifully. Even to my grisled and surly present day self, it was as wonderful as the first viewing. Although I still can’t really put my finger on what exactly makes it work so well. A combination of several things, I suppose. First and foremost, Opus and Co. look, sound and animate exactly like they should; there are little sprinklings of absurdist sight gags — Opus’ butt occasionally falling off, for example — to keep you off-balance and perpetually chuckling, and even a couple of laugh out loud moments.

And then there’s the weirder cherry on the already-weird sundae: Bill the Cat. In my opinion, one of the most intriguing cartoon characters ever created, and the first one I ever drew both freehand and well. Bet you didn’t know that.

As to whether or not I recommend AWFWTW; that should be obvious. However, I will caution slightly, in that while I have seen it recently, and did make a game attempt at watching through critical eyes, I’ll allow for the possibility that it sort of has rose tint permanently burned-in for me.

So I guess what I’m saying is, find it, watch it, and if you don’t like it, I never made any recommendation, we’ve never met, and I will flatly deny any allegations to the contrary. Oh, and also, you’re wrong.

And while I’m thinking about it, apologies for not having this done in time for Christmas. I was going to, but then I decided to utilize my tried and true “wait until the second after the second after the last second” method. It’s the same technique that allowed me to sort of come kind of close to almost finishing college. Twice. So far.

One of the greatest minds of our generation.

• The name of the store Opus visits–Stormin’ Norman’s War Toys and Balloons. Hooray for outdated cultural references!
• How great Bill the Cat is?
• When Opus yawns, the paintings in his room yawn as well. I think that may be my favorite part in the whole thing.
• Santa’s arrival is heralded by the main theme from The Magnificent Seven.

Is it worth staying through the end credits?

As a matter of fact, it is.

Intermission!

There are quite a few recognizable names in the voice credits, especially if you’re a total nerd for voice acting and your name is Kaleb. Michael Bell, the voice of Opus, is perhaps better known (to me, at least) as Duke of G.I. Joe fame. Tress MacNeille, here portraying a random crazy chicken, is one of the most prolific voice actresses in American animation, having lent wordage to both Babs Bunny and Dot Warner way back when, as well as a whole mess of stuff since then. Last but far from least, Frank Welker, voice of Santa, is synonymous in the mind of this 80s nerd with the wheezing evil of Megatron, as well as quite a few of the other members of the Transformers cast. And also… roughly every other animated character in existence, ever.

Groovy Quotes

Opus: Some years ago, Father Christmas, I rescued ol’ Bill from the university science lab. They’d replaced his brains with tater tots.

Truffles: Did you know you have a large rutabaga on your nose?
Opus: This is my nose!

George: My puny kiwi wings weren’t good enough for Deloris. Oh no, no, she had to have an ALBATROSS!! With great, big, loooong wiiings!! He was on hormones. You heard me, read my beak; HORMONES!!

George: So what if they’re small? Some women prefer small wings! What does she want, quantity or quality? You wan’t ‘em big; marry the space shuttle, ya shrew!!

Milquetoast: Excuse me; Is this Cockroach Cross-dressers in Crisis?

Opus: That’s it! My cup runneth over with cats! I need cats like I need butt implants! You still smell like brussel sprouts, and look at you; you have hair growin’ out of your eyeballs! You lay around the house eating small rodents like… DING DONGS! And you…
Truffles: Barf on the Chinese rug.
Opus: Barf, on the Chinese rug!

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• How The Grinch Stole Christmas

• Toys

The Scoop: 2008 G, directed by Andrew Stanton and starring Ben Burtt, Elissa Knight, and Jeff Garlin

Tagline: After 700 years of doing what he was built for – he’ll discover what he’s meant for.

Summary Capsule: Two robots, one distinctly female and the other just plain cute, fall in love while humanity gets lazier and lazier by the second.

Courtney’s Rating: Eagerly awaiting the inevitable Wall-E attraction at Disney World.

Courtney’s Review: I am not a huge Disney fan. Anyone who knows me can attest to that. I’m that chick whose always talking about how much better the world would be if children’s films didn’t promote stereotypes or provide shallow storylines. A big part of that is the fact that my family is very much Disney-obsessed, and being around all that magical goodness for two decades can really spoil the inner-child until it turns into a rotted, ironic version of itself. I have been desensitized, and therefore could have been perfectly happy living my whole life without ever having watched Pixar’s Wall-E. Perfectly happy, indeed.

But I would not have been a complete human being.

Okay, that sounds super corny. But it’s cool, ‘cause isn’t that what the Disney magic is all about?

Before I actually watched this movie, I thought I’d already figured it out. It was just a cheap attempt to make big bucks by introducing children to a saccharine love story involving an “adorable” character whose vocabulary is restricted to one word. Toss in a few fat-people gags for good measure. In a way, I guess I was correct, but when I actually did watch it, I was taken aback by its depth.

Knowing that most of the movie contained little to no dialogue, my expectation was that I’d be bored to death. Which is kind of why I watched it in the first place; I was flying home after my semester abroad, and I always have trouble sleeping on planes, so I thought a boring kids’ movie would lure me into a ten-hour coma. Fortunately (or unfortunately, however you wish to see it,) Wall-E proved to be far more interesting than I thought – so much so that I watched it a second time during the same flight.

What I thought was most awesome about it – and I absolutely love it when any movie is like this – was that it was incredibly entertaining and an intelligent piece of cinematic art. Because it works on these different levels, I can watch it while babysitting my neighbors’ kids or I can write a good 10-page analysis on it. And lord knows how much I love both of those! (The sad thing there is that I’m not being sarcastic. I actually do love babysitting and writing analytical papers…I usually don’t have a lot going on.)

The thing that’s frustrating right now is that I can’t quite figure out what was good and what was bad about the movie. I’m a little flummoxed – I think Pixar actually managed to balance everything so perfectly that it’s hard to say. I will let you know that anytime the humans were talking (like, using actual verbal language instead of delightful beeps and whirs,) I got bored. From a narrative perspective, it was a necessary sacrifice to take us out of the “silent film” thing. But I did want to fast-forward through all that and just watch Wall-E get himself into more hilarious predicaments with the evil robot.

Oh, and I really liked the OCD robot. He’s my favorite ever.

And because this is an animated movie, I’m going very easy on it for committing a crime I’d normally butcher a “legit” movie for. Like Lissa said, it’s not subtle. Like, at all. But then again, its target audience is about 7 years of age, and when I was that young, I didn’t know a darn thing about subtlety. Mickey, I grant you my forgiveness.

All I’m really trying to say here is that, despite my best efforts to hate on all things Disney-related, this was a genuinely beautiful movie. I even may have shed a tear or two, but it’s not like I’m gonna actually admit to that on the Internet. You have no proof!

And Peter Gabriel is at least 4 shades of awesome.

M-O: Like Roomba, but cuter. And more likely to clean your room.

Groovy Quotes

Teacher Robot: A is for Axiom, your home sweet home. B is for Buy N Large, your very best friend.

Voice in commercial: Too much garbage in your face? There’s plenty of space out in space! BnL StarLiners leaving each day. We’ll clean up the mess while you’re away.

Captain: AUTO! Earth is amazing! These are called “farms”. Humans who put seeds in the ground pour water on them, and they grow food – like, pizza!

Also check out Lissa’s, Drew’s, and Justin’s review of this film!

]]> http://mutantreviewers.com/blog1/courtney-does-wall-e/feed/ 0 http://mutantreviewers.com/blog1/drew-does-futurama-benders-game/ http://mutantreviewers.com/blog1/drew-does-futurama-benders-game/#comments Wed, 07 Jan 2009 12:33:20 +0000 Drew http://mutantreviewers.com/blog1/?p=242 “Bender, no! When will young people learn that Dungeons & Dragons won’t make you cool?”

The Scoop: 2008 NR, directed by Dwayne Carey-Hill and starring Billy West, Katey Sagal and John Di Maggio.

Summary Capsule: The Planet Express crew attempts to solve the world’s fuel crisis (by… destroying all the world’s fuel), but accidentally gets transported to a land of swords and sorcery. In flagrant violation of alternate universe protocol, no one sports evil goatees.

Drew’s Rating: Okay, I admit it — I fell in with the wrong crowd and played Magic: The Gathering for two years in high school. Dammit, must I be haunted by my mistakes forever? A man can change!

Drew’s Review: If you’re any kind of a Futurama fan (and if not, are you lost or something?), you probably know the story by now: the show aired for 4 seasons on Fox before being cancelled, and has now been revived as a series of 4 direct-to-DVD movies. The most recent entry, Bender’s Game, is the third in the series and the most standalone, which may appeal to those less enamored of dangling plot threads.

Bender’s Big Score reintroduced us to the gang after a long absence and focused on longstanding series continuity, and its cliffhanger led directly into The Beast with a Billion Backs. Likewise, Into the Wild Green Yonder will reportedly clear up at least one ongoing mystery and, if necessary, serve as a final send-off to the series. That leaves us with Bender’s Game, definitely the easiest for a casual fan to pick up and watch, and romance-phobes can take heart: no Fry/Leela, no Amy/Kif, no Bender/hookerbots. This one’s all about the comedy, kids.

The adventure du jour centers around skyrocketing fuel prices thanks to longtime nemesis Mom, the universe’s only supplier of dark matter. Fed up, Professor Farnsworth reveals he was the one who discovered dark matter’s use as a fuel source decades ago, as well as something else: two attuned crystals that, if brought together, will destroy all dark matter in the universe. One is under constant surveillance in Mom’s arctic stronghold, and the other is… being used as a makeshift gaming die by Farnsworth’s son Cubert, his nerdy friends, and Bender Titanius Inglesmith, fancy man of Cornwood. Before you can say copyright infringement, an attempt to bring the crystals together leads to our heroes being thrown into a fantasy world of dungeons, dragons and dorks, with their only hope being to hurl the Die of Power into the geysers of Gygax before evil Momon can recover it. But with Frydo succumbing to the temptation of the ring die and Legola’s efforts to renounce her violent ways, is the fellowship boned before it’s even begun?

Here’s the good news: it’s funny. I mentioned earlier that Bender’s Game doesn’t bog itself down in continuing series subplots – Nibbler’s people get some additional backstory, but you don’t need to know anything else about them to enjoy the movie. With their characters in a new venue, the writers are free to just concentrate on the jokes, and the result is a film that feels more lighthearted and enjoyable than their last offering. It reminds me of one of my favorite episodes of the original series, “The Farnsworth Parabox,” where half the entertainment came from seeing the various alternate versions of themselves the Planet Express crew encountered. In this case, the writers get some good mileage out of Tolkien-izing their cast… Gynecaladriel, queen of the water nymphos is a personal favorite, and predictable gag or not, I defy anyone not to laugh at mighty Hermaphrodite. There’s also some amusing meta-commentary with Fry finding the antics of Mom’s 3 Stooges-esque sons hilarious while Leela and Amy think they’re boring and insipid. (And ladies, you are wrong. So, so wrong.)

If I have any criticism, it’s that Bender’s Game isn’t quite sure what it wants to be. Instead of one cohesive movie, it feels more like two extended episodes jammed together with only the barest of threads connecting them. The fuel shortage storyline and the D&D spoof are funny individually, but they never exactly seem to gel – the chain reaction that tosses everyone into the fantasy world is barely an afterthought, not even given the pseudo-scientific nonsense explanation that comes standard in sci-fi shows and comic books. Say the positrons collided in just the right way, explain that the crystals gained sentience and brought Bender’s fantasy to life, tell me the flux capacitor overloaded, whatever… just give me something. Yes, I know it’s Futurama, not Doctor bloody Who, but if I’ve watched the movie three times and still couldn’t tell you in the slightest how the characters got to or from the fantasy world, that’s a sign that it wasn’t explained clearly. Or that I’m special ed, but as I’m sure we all just got a hearty laugh out of that one, let’s move on.

Bender’s Game is one of those films where it doesn’t really matter what recommendation I give: if you’re a Futurama fan you’re going to see it anyway, and if you’re not you aren’t even reading this, so your mother. Still, I’m happy to report that while it isn’t my favorite of the DVD movies, it is a solid entry in the series and an excellent way to cleanse the palate, as it were, before the (possibly) final Futurama adventure. What else needs to be said? Have at it.

NEEEEERDS!

• A sign in the Planet Express locker room reads “No pointing and laughing.”

• Bender is incarcerated in the “HAL Institute For Criminally Insane Robots,” a reference to 2001: A Space Odyssey. In addition, Nurse Ratchet is a tip of the hat to One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.
• One of the robots in Bender’s group therapy session is Rosie from The Jetsons.
• Nibbler was last seen at the end of Bender’s Big Score yelling “Everyone out of the universe!” and imploding. His reappearance in Bender’s Game isn’t explained, but Fry and Leela mention not being surprised he can talk because he forgot to mindwipe them after the last time.
• Titanius Inglesmith’s family motto (shown on his sleeping bag) is machina ex deo, Latin for “the machine from God.” His coat of arms is a nut and bolt, an alkaline battery, and a chalice of ale.
• After the credits they show a clip from a past Futurama episode of Gary Gygax (creator of D&D) saying “Anyone wanna play Dungeons & Dragons for the next quadrillion years?”

'They wants to steal it, my precioussss'

This is the third of four direct-to-DVD Futurama movies, with the fourth, Into the Wild Green Yonder, due out in February 2009. Producer David X. Cohen has said of the final movie that, while they hope the series may return in some other format eventually, “it ends on a real sweet note and we’ll be content with that if it’s the last we ever do.”

Groovy Quotes

George Takei: Way to kill the franchise, Bakula.

Bender: You’re right. I’m great in every way except I have no imagination. All I ever wanted is to play this magical game, and I can’t.
Dwight: Yes you can. You just have to lose yourself in the fantasy. You have to believe the impossible is merely preposterous.

Professor: The collar will be triggered anytime your thoughts turn to violence-
Leela: OUCH!
Professor: -profanity-
Leela: Son of a- OW!
Professor: -or perversions of a sexual nature.
Leela: …………OW!

Rod Serling: In the end, it was not guns or bombs that defeated the aliens, but that humblest of all God’s creatures, the Tyrannosaurus rex.

Fry: Bender, no! When will young people learn that Dungeons & Dragons won’t make you cool?

Professor: Good God! Just knowing we’re in the same genus makes me embarrassed to call myself homo.

Fry: There are so many killbots behind us, I can’t count them all! Three, I think!

Legola: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but that was really exciting. I’ve never felt so alive! What else can we slay? Is that a hobbit over there?
Titanius Inglesmith: Naw, that’s a hobo and a rabbit. But they’re making a hobbit.

Grayfarn: Of course! Wipe Castle! And while we’re there, we can get some of those greasy little dwarf burgers.

Gynecaladriel: Ooh, I love those! You can eat like eight of them without gaining any weight, ’cause of all the diarrhea!

Frydo: I… I’m too exhausted, I can’t go on.
Zoidberg: I’m here for you, my friend. I’ll drag you onward, even to my last ounce of strength. Grab onto my testicles!
Frydo: …you know, I think maybe I can walk after all.

Frydo: So it’s all come down to this: a dungeon, and dragons.
Zoidberg: I didn’t see it coming.

Classic always triumphs updated. Always.

Feast your eyes on commentary with the directors and voice actors, storyboard animatics, a “D&D&F” (Dungeons & Dragons & Futurama) featurette, a lesson on how to draw Futurama in 83 easy steps, some deleted scenes and bloopers, and a sneak peek at the next Futurama movie. Of special note are the anti-piracy warning where Bender of all people advises you not to steal in his own special way, and a bizarre “genetics lab” where you can mix n’ match pieces of your favorite Futurama characters to create hybrid abominations in the eyes of God and man. If that’s what does it for you.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Futurama: Bender’s Big Score

• Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs
• The Simpsons Movie