10 Geek Convention Sights You Will Witness

Last August, I took my dad and his friend to Indianapolis’ ComiCon, not realizing beforehand that neither of them had ever been to a geek convention. An insurance salespeople convention, perhaps, but that’s not quite the same.

Thus I failed my duties as a lifetime card-carrying geek to prepare them for the sheer nerdery that they were about to dive into. But it was pretty fun to watch them get whiplash from all of the double-takes.

Geek conventions are sort of like Halloween for grown-ups, if instead of giving out candy they made you buy really expensive crap that you don’t really need. Not everyone dresses up, but there’s enough folks that do and make such an effort that it boggles the mind when you see sixteen identical Bikini Princess Leias coming down the aisle at you.

Here’s my attempt to help cushion the shock for you, if you’re about ready to embark on your first trip to geek nirvana:

1. People Dressed As Elves

Because even fantasy realms must contain boorish, snobby beings, we are forever plagued by elves in all mediums of fantasy literature, film and games. People just go nuts over the opportunity to “get their elf on” at conventions by slapping on pointed ears (these are completely different pointed ears than Vulcan ears, according to Dwight on The Office), pretending to love nature while secretly destroying it, and acting as aloof as possible. Elves also summon forth people’s inner skankiness.

2. Inappropriate Sexual Displays

So, yeah, let’s just get this out of the way. For some reason, geek conventions throw off a big “YOU HAVE PERMISSION” light to perverts in a 400-mile radius to strut their stuff and make everyone around them incredibly uncomfortable. I’m not just talking humdrum making out or wearing revealing outfits; I’m talking about the dominatrix leading her leather-clad slave around on a leash, stopping occasionally to make her bark in front of my dad. I’m talking about the bird in the corner who is getting way too friendly with the porcupine and grunting in a decidedly non-bird-like fashion. I’m talking about the rich slob who paid what looks like the entire cheerleading squad from a local high school to douse themselves in green paint and follow him around as his personal Orion girl harem. Let’s keep it in the bedroom, or better yet, the class 4 bio facility clean room.

3. Skimpy Armor

“Hey,” my dad said to me in a far-too-loud voice while nodding at a Valkyrie passing by. “That armor is really impractical. Why is all of this armor so… so…”

“Skimpy? Why do you think, dad?”

He’s right, of course; they would probably last no more than five seconds in actual combat without getting sliced open, but at least the enemy would have time to oggle the goods as they did so.

4. Scads of Superheroes and Jedi

Don’t know what else to dress up as? Then join the throngs of superhero wannabes (let’s face it, Jedi are scifi superheroes with less of a personality), don some spandex, and join the throng. For the rest of us, there’s the solid assurance that if some super-villainy went down at the convention, a horde of geeks would instantly leap toward it, completely forgetting that their only real superpower is in dialing 911.

5. Fads of the Moment

As for hopping on the bandwagon of whatever is momentarily popular, geeks are no better than the rest of humanity. If the Dark Knight came out that year, expect to see a billion Heath Ledger Jokers running around. Watchmen? Star Wars? Lord of the Rings? Matrix? Spider-Man? It’s like the thought that dozens and dozens of other people are also trying to dress up the exact same doesn’t even enter their minds as they prepare that morning to stun us all with yet another Neo.

6. People Costumed As Animals They Desperately Wish They Could Become

It’s easy to take potshots at furries — fun too. And the more they whine about being oppressed and misunderstood and maligned, the more I feel okay standing up to them and saying, “Yeah, you have the freedom to dress up like a psycho-sexual seven-foot-tall fox who has a crippling fur-stroking addiction, but in so doing you’ve robbed me of the last vestige of childlike innocence, and I shall never forgive you.”

In short, I don’t want to see people costumed as giant rats unless I’m in a Chucky Cheese, and even there I’m pretty sure the guy wearing the getup doesn’t actually want to be a mouse. Wearing costumes is one thing, but knowing that raccoon girl across the hall really and truly wants to be a raccoon and has to resort to donning a fake outer shell as the only respite from a cruel life trapped in the skin of a human is beyond sad and terrifying. And it’s at your local conventions!

7. Tron Guy

Dude, he makes the scene, if you know what I mean.

8. Some Japanese Anime That You’ve Never Heard Of, But It Has A Following A Billion Strong, Including This Guy

I don’t care how savvy you think you might be re: Japanese anime, it’s a drop in the bucket of the sheer breadth of this genre. Conventions tend to bring out the rabidly loyal fans of franchises that are largely unknown to most folk, and so you’ll end up walking along and spot a bizarre creation and wonder if you’re off your meds or something. Nay, gentle sir! ‘Tis only Yoshippy, from the Narooti manga!

9. Lots Of Very Real Weapons

Imagine that one day you’re walking down the street and you see a guy walking toward you with a two-foot Bowie knife strapped to his hip. And a katana blade across his back. And he’s casually twirling a morningstar in his hand. You’d cross the street to give him wide clearance, wouldn’t you? Or cry out, “TERRORIST!” and throw that loaf of pickled beets that you’ve been hauling around at his head.

Now, imagine you’re in an enclosed space where there are literally dozens of people armed like this, some with real weapons, some with fake weapons that indeed look real. And there are booths that sell more weapons, usually in the “very large scalpel” variety. That’s a convention. It’s a crowd of folks who tote lethal instruments and are just itching for the chance to prove their mettle.

10. Really Stinkin’ Incredible Costumes

Aside from unoriginality and completely inappropriate getups, I totally enjoy checking out the ingenuity and creativity people throw into piecing together an outfit that makes everyone’s head turn in awe. Sometimes, there’s no response other than to give the nod of approval.